JAMES  A  WO 


• 


BAYNARD  RUSH  HALL 
First  Professor  of  Indiana  Seminary  1824 


Copyright  1916,  by 
PRINCETON  UNIVERSITY  PRESS 


Published,  October,  1916 


534 


INTRODUCTION 

The  Princeton  University  Press  offers  a  worthy  contribution 
to  the  centennial  celebration  of  Indiana's  admission  to  statehood 
by  issuing  a  Centennial  Edition  of  the  "New  Purchase"  by 
Baynard  R.  Hall.  This  work  has  been  pronounced  "one  of 
the  best  books  ever  written  concerning  life  in  the  West."  Its 
reproduction  will  be  appreciated  by  all  who  are  interested  in 
western  history.  It  makes  available  a  handsome  reprint  of  a 
volume  long  since  out  of  print,  the  original  edition  being  now 
very  difficult  to  find  and  expensive  to  buy.  This  reprint  contains 
the  original  copy  without  modification  or  expurgation.  There  is 
certainly  no  more  valuable  book  on  early  Indiana.  Judge  D.  D. 
Banta,  himself  very  thoroughly  informed  on  early  Indiana  life, 
has  called  it  "the  best  and  truest  history  of  pioneer  life  and 
pioneer  surroundings  in  Indiana  that  can  anywhere  be  found. 
Hall  evidently  entered  with  zest  into  the  life  and  scenes  about 
him,  and  he  writes  graphically  of  all  he  sees  and  hears."  It  is  my 
privilege  in  this  Introduction  to  speak  of  the  man  and  his  work — 
the  man  who  has  realized  his  youthful  ambition  to  be  enrolled 
among  the  earliest  literary  pioneers  of  the  romantic  west  and 
the  book  which  has'  long  since  been  recognized  of  such 
acknowledged  excellence  and  historic  value. 

In  1818  the  United  States  Government  obtained  by  treaty  with 
several  tribes  of  Indians  what  is  known  in  the  history  of  the 
Middle  West  as  the  "New  Purchase".  In  that  year  Governor 
Jennings,  of  Indiana,  Benjamin  Parke,  then  Federal  Judge  for  the 
District  of  Indiana,  and  General  Lewis  Cass,  Territorial  Gov- 
ernor of  Michigan,  acting  as  a  commission  of  the  Federal  Gov- 
ernment, met  the  representatives  of  the  Indian  tribes  at  St. 
Marys,  Ohio.  The  Weas,  the  Kickpoos,  the  Pottawattomies 
and  the  Miamis  were  there  in  the  persons  of  their  chieftains 
and  their  spokesmen.  The  Pale  Face  Commission  succeeded 
in  purchasing  nearly  all  the  land  east  and  south  of  the  Wabash 


iv  INTRODUCTION 

not  previously  relinquished  by  the  Indians.  This  new  acquisi7 
tion  may  be  described  as  the  tract  of  land  bounded  on  the  north 
and  west  by  the  Wabash  river,  on  the  south  and  west  by  what 
is  known  as  the  "ten  o'clock  line", — a  line  going  in  the  direction 
a  shadow  would  fall  at  ten  o'clock  forenoon,  running  from  a 
point  in  Jackson  County,  Indiana,  to  a  point  on  the  Wabash  in 
Yermillion  county.  The  eastern  line  of  the  Purchase  was  the 
uneven  boundary  line  of  the  counties  already  formed  in  the 
State  in  the  White  Water  region.  The  Delawares  agreed  to 
take  a  grant  of  land  west  of  the  Mississippi,  and  the  other  tribes, 
all  having  claims  to  the  ceded  territory,  agreed  to  withdraw 
to  the  north  of  the  Wabash.  The  Delawares  were  to  have  three 
years  in  which  to  gather  up  their  property  and  leave  the  State. 
"In  the  fall  of  1820  the  remnants  of  this  once  powerful  tribe 
whose  ancestors  had  received  Henry  Hudson  (1610)  took  up 
their  western  march,  the  disheartened  train  passing  through 
Koskaskia  about  the  middle  of  October."1 

Thirty-seven  new  counties  were  made,  in  whole  or  in  part, 
from  the  lands  embraced  in  the  New  Purchase.  As  the  Indians 
went  out  the  pioneer  settlers  came  in.  When  the  Indian  titles 
were  extinguished  and  the  new  lands  were  opened  to  settlement 
the  immigrant  tide  of  humanity  began  to  pour  in.  The  Govern- 
ment land  was  offered  at  $2.00  an  acre.  It  was  lowered  to  $1.25 
an  acre  after  1820  which  proved  to  be  quite  a  step  for  the 
encouragement  of  western  settlement.  The  preemption  system 
had  been  put  into  operation  in  1801,  by  which  a  settler  who 
could  not  pay  cash  for  his  land  might  "preempt"  it  and  pay 
for  it  by  installments  after  he  had  settled  on  it  and  begiun  to 
work  it.  The  homestead  policy,  instituted  later,  was  even  more 
liberal  to  the  home-seeker,  but  the  fact  that  one  could  preempt 
good,  cheap  land  and  have  a  chance  to  own  it  in  fee  simple 
brought  many  enterprising  and  hopeful  men  to  a  region  which 
was  heralded  in  the  East  as  an  Eldorado  of  rich  and  productive 
lands.  Some  shiftless  and  worthless  "movers"  and  "squatters" 
came;  many  came  who  had  not  much  of  worldly  goods;  and 
some  came  who  had  once  lived  a  favored  life  under  Fortune's 
smile  but  who  had  lost  their  all  in  the  contraction  and  hard 

1  Esarey,   History  of   Indiana,  p.   229. 


INTRODUCTION  v 

times  following  the  war  of  1812.  Among  the  latter  were  the 
Halls  and  their  relatives.  (See  p.  56).  There  were  others 
like  them,  cultivated  people,  some  imbued  with  the  missionary 
spirit,  some  moved  by  spirit  of  adventure,  and  some  endowed 
with  a  fair  amount  of  worldly  goods,  who,  while  seeking  new 
homes  and  better  fortunes  for  themselves  in  a  new  country, 
were  capable  and  desirous  of  helping  to  build  the  new  common- 
wealths for  the  American  Union  in  the  promising  west.  True, 
most  of  these  western  settlers  were  poor,  and  most  of  them 
were  ignorant;  but  most  of  them,  also,  were  men  and  women 
of  the  fundamental  virtues,  courage,  honesty,  hospitality,  and 
of  self-reliant  manly  independence.  Hall  was  sensitive  to  these 
noble  qualities,  and  he  was  unstinted  in  his  tribute  in  honor  of 
the  backwoodsmen,  "the  open-hearted  native-born  westerner." 
"Ay,  the  native  Corncracker,  Hoosier  or  Buckeye,  and  all  men 
and  women  born  in  a  cane-brake  and  rocked  in  a  sugar  trough, — 
all  born  to  follow  a  trail  and  cock  an  old  fashioned  lock 
rifle, — all  such  are  open-hearted,  fearless,  generous,  chivalric!" 

(P-  369). 

When  Hall  came  into  the  midst  of  this  backwoods  life,  Indiana 
was  but  a  little  over  four  years  old.  It  had  a  population  of 
about  150,000  souls,  by  far  the  greater  number  of  these  being 
below  the  Old  National  Road.  The  greater  part  of  Hall's  life 
in  Indiana  was  to  be  given  to  education,  and  in  that  noble 
service  he  was  certainly  one  of  the  earliest  of  our  pioneers. 
In  1820,  two  or  three  years  before  he  came,  the  Legislature 
at  Corydon  created  what  was  named  in  the  act  as  "The  Indiana 
Seminary."  This  in  1828  became  the  "Indiana  College"  and 
in  1838  the  "Indiana  University",  by  legal  title.  The  Constitu- 
tion of  1816  had  decreed  that  the  State  should  provide,  as 
soon  as  circumstances  should  permit,  "for  a  general  system  of 
education  ascending  in  a  regular  gradation  from  township 
schools  to  a  State  University,  wherein  tuition  should  be  gratis 
and  equally  open  to  all."  The  act  creating  the  "Seminary"  in 
1820  was  saved  in  the  State  Senate  only  by  the  casting  vote  of 
the  Lieutenant  Governor  Ratliff  Boon  and  it  was  signed  by  the 
first  Governor  of  the  State,  Jonathan  Jennings.  S.ix  Trustees 
were  appointed  and  they  selected  a  site  for  the  Seminary,  a 


vi  INTRODUCTION 

quarter  of  a  mile  due  south  of  the  little  village  of  Bloomington, 
then  but  a  clearing  in  the  woods  only  two  years  old. 

Log  cabins,  whether  of  hewed  logs  or  round,  could  be  put 
up  in  short  order  by  the  pioneers  of  the  early  days,  but  it  was 
more  than  three  full  years  before  there  could  be  completed  the 
two  small  brick  buildings  with  which  the  "Seminary"  began, — 
one  a  house  for  a  professor  at  a  cost  of  $891,  the  other  the 
Seminary  building  itself,  at  the  elaborate  cost  of  $2400!  This 
old  State  Seminary  opened  its  doors  for  students  in  May  1824. 
In  the  fall  of  1823,  as  the  buildings  were  nearing  completion,  the 
first  professor  was  elected.  This  was  the  author  of  our  book 
and  the  hero  of  our  story. 

It  was  altogether  likely  that  it  was  the  prospect  of  this  new 
State  Seminary  that  had  influenced  Hall  to  come  to  the  New 
Purchase.  There  was  an  advantage  of  being  at  hand  when  a 
new  teacher  was  needed.  Mrs.  Hall's  mother  was  living  with 
her  son,  John  M.  Young,  near  Gosport.  Besides  these  relatives, 
Hall  had  another  brother-in-law  living  near  Bloomington,  and 
serving  the  various  settlements  round  about  as  a  missionary. 
This  was  Rev.  Isaac  Reed,  one  of  the  early  pioneer  Presbyterian 
ministers  of  Indiana.  Dr.  Maxwell,  one  of  the  founders  and  a 
devoted  friend  of  the  Seminary  and  the  President  of  its  Board 
of  Trustees,  was  also  an  ardent  Presbyterian.  Reed  recommend- 
ed Hall  to  Maxwell,  and  these  connections  may  fairly  account  for 
Hall's  election  as  the  first  professor  of  the  Seminary.  Presby- 
terian ministers  were  likely  to  be  educated  men  even  in  those 
days  and  there  were  not  many  men  in  the  Indiana  woods  so 
well  educated  as  to  be  deemed  qualified  for  a  professorship.  For 
a  Princeton  man  to  be  on  the  ground  was,  indeed,  a  decided 
advantage.  So  when  the  time  came  for  the  opening,  Hall  was 
here  ready  to  be  placed  in  charge. 

Baynard  Rush  Hall  was  born  in  Philadelphia  in  1793.  He 
died  in  Brooklyn,  N.  Y.  in  1863.  In  his  childhood  he  was  left 
an  orphan  and  he  had  to  hew  out  his  own  way  in  the  world 
with  what  assistance  could  be  afforded  him  by  friends  and  distant 
relatives.  He  became  a  type-setter  in  his  youth  and  worked 
at  the  printer's  trade.  He  was  one  of  "the  boys  of  ink  and 
long  primer,"  working  at  the  printer's  desk,  still  in  his  teens, 


INTRODUCTION  vii 

when  he  first  heard  of  Harrison  at  Tippecanoe.  It  was  then 
his  soul  "was  stirred  to  phrensy  and  swelled  with  burnings  and 
longings  after  fame!"  (p.  354).  The  stories  of  western  battle 
and  adventure  stirred  in  his  soul,  no  doubt,  a  longing  to  see 
the  unknown  western  land.  He  made  his  way  through  school, 
graduated  at  Union  College  and  at  Princeton  Theological  Semi- 
nary. He  became  a  Presbyterian  clergyman.  He  followed  his 
childhood  sweetheart  of  many  years,  after  years  of  separation, 
to  Danville,  Ky.,  where  (p.  320)  he  was  married.2  He  re- 
turned to  Philadelphia  where  he  suffered  deep  domestic  affliction 
in  the  loss  of  two  of  his  children  in  their  infancy.  He 
then  set  out  with  his  wife  to  join  some  relatives  in  the  New 
Purchase.  He  had  encountered  disappointment  in  the  crushing 
of  some  of  his  high  hopes  and  purposes,  so  he  turned  to  the 
New  West  as  an  opportunity  for  a  new  life.  Weary 
of  a  prosaic  life  in  the  East,  he  sought  a  life  "of 
poetry  and  romance  amid  the  rangers  of  the  wood."  He  found 
poetry  here  as  well  as  a  mission.  In  his  day-dreams  he  heard 
the  call  of  the  wild,  and  he  felt  the  "resistless"  invitation  to  an 
enchanting  land  in  what  was  then  known  as  the  "Far  West." 
He  affirms  that  he  came  influenced  by  disinterested  motives,  fired 
with  enthusiasm  for  advancing  solid  learning,  desirous  of  seeing 
western  institutions  rival  those  of  the  East,  willing  to  live  and 
die  in  the  new  country,  to  sacrifice  eastern  tastes  and  prejudices, 
and  to  become  in  every  proper  way  a  "Western  man", — hopes 
and  expectations  which  college  jealousies  and  quarrels  were 
destined  to  cut  short  before  many  years.  The  Halls  came, 
lured  partly  by  the  spirit  of  romance  and  adventure,  persuaded 
to  exchange  "the  tasteless  and  crowded  solitude  of  Philadelphia 
for  the  entrancing  and  real  loneliness  of  the  wilds, — the  prom- 
enade of  dead  brick  for  the  living  carpet  of  the  natural  meadow." 
When  Hall  was  chosen  to  become  the  Principal  of  the  new 
Indiana  Seminary  in  the  fall  of  1823,  he  had  been  living  for 
more  than  a  year  on  the  edge  of  the  New  Purchase,  with  his 

2  "I  was  married  in  Danville,  Ky.,  by  Rev.  Mr.  Nelson,  brother  of 
'Infidelity'  'Nelson.  Perhaps  that  may  sell  some  books  there.  Dr. 
Breckenridge  is  my  friend."  Hall's  letter  to  his  New  Albany  publisher, 


viii  INTRODUCTION 

brother-in-law,  John  M.  Young,  and  other  friends,  at  "Glenville" 
near  White  River  about  four  miles  north  of  Gosport.  In  that 
first  long  winter  in  the  woods  he  worked  at  various  occupations 
including  carpentry  and  cabinet  making.  He  made  a  closet  for 
his  study,  two  scuttles  for  the  loom,  putting  in  and  taking  out 
pieces  and  thus  becoming  adept  in  the  mysteries  of  woof  and 
warp,  of  hanks  and  reels  and  cuts.  He  "mended  water-sleds, 
hunted  turkeys,  missed  killing  two  deer  for  want  of  a  rifle, 
played  the  flute,  practiced  the  fiddle,  and  ever  so  many  other 
things  and  what-nots."  But  his  "grand  employment"  was 
a  review  of  all  his  college  studies,  and  he,  therefore,  claimed 
to  be  "the  very  first  man  since  the  creation  of  the  world  that 
read  Greek  in  the  "New  Purchase" — a  somewhat  doubtful  claim, 
since  other  Presbyterian  ministers  and  some  Jesuit  Fathers  had 
set  foot  in  these  parts  before  Hall  came. 

It  is  certain,  however,  that  during  this  year  and  in  the 
years  immediately  following,  Hall  entered  with  spirit  and  sym- 
pathy into  all  the  life  of  the  backwoods.  He  became  a  skilled 
marksman  with  the  rifle;  he  enjoyed  the  shooting  matches;  he 
learned  the  art  of  rolling  logs ;  he  became  a  skilled  and  practiced 
hand  at  the  wood  choppings ;  he  learned  the  manners  of  the 
quilting  parties;  he  became  an  interested  spectator  but  never 
a  participant  at  the  pioneer  camp-meetings;  he  clerked  in  a 
country  store,  ground  bark  in  a  tannery,  driving  "Old  Dick"  on 
the  tread-mill;  he  preached  often,  ministering  to  the  sick  and 
dying,  and  with  two  of  his  fellow  preachers — Isaac  Reed  and 
George  Bush, — he  organized  the  Wabash  Presbytery  in  Reed's 
cabin  in  the  woods,  and  as  a  Presbyter  he  went  horse-back  on 
long  journeys  to  attend  church  councils,  fording  the  swamps 
and  rivers  and  following  the  traces  through  the  forests.  Indeed, 
his  life  in  early  Indiana  gave  him  a  rich  story  to  tell.  That 
story  is  found  in  the  pages  of  this  book. 

One  of  Hall's  forest  horse-back  journeys  took  him  from 
Bloomington  to  LaFayette,  and  some  one  has  said  that  "for  the 
author's  fine  description  of  the  Tippecanoe  battle  ground  and 
for  his  poem  on  the  battle  of  Tippecanoe,  Indiana  must  ever 
owe  him  gratitude".  He  stood  at  Tippecanoe  "some  twelve 
years  after  the  battle."  He  had  power  to  express  his  soul's 


INTRODUCTION  ix 

emotions  and  appreciations.  He  saw  the  Battle  Ground  in 
''its  primitive  and  sacred  wilderness,  unfenced,  unscathed 
by  the  ax,  unshorn  by  the  scythe,  unmarked  by  roads."  He 
felt  himself  standing  and  walking  among  the  slain  warriors. 
Here  was  reality.  No  longer  was  he  beholding  Tippecanoe  as 
he  had  beheld  it  in  his  youthful  dreams.  "Here  mouldering 
are  trunks  of  trees  that  formed  the  hasty  rampart.  Here  are 
scars  and  seams  in  the  trees  torn  by  balls.  Ay!  here  is  the 
narrow  circle  of  skeletons  of — let  me  count  again — yes,  of  four- 
teen war  horses !  But  where  are  the,  riders  ?  Here  under  this 
beech — see  the  record  in  the  bark — we  stand  on  the  earth  over 
the  dead, — 'rider,  horse,  friend  and  foe  in  one'  red  burial  blent " 
(p.  355).  Such  are  some  of  the  themes  of  this  volume. 

This  young  rr*an  of  college  culture,  of  "book  larnin,"  as  his 
neighbors  would  say,  lived  in  this  new  country  almost  a  decade 
of  years,  and  after  he  had  gone  back  to  his  home  in  the  East, 
he  wrote  this  book  about  what  he  had  seen  and  heard.  He 
called  it  "The  New  Purchase,  or  Seven  and  a  Half  Years  in 
the  Far  West,"  the  author  appearing  under  the  pseudonym 
Robert  Carleton.  It  deserves  to  be  called  an  immortal  book. 
Dr.  Samuel  W.  Fisher,  of  Cincinnati,  called  it  that  in  1855.  It 
will  prove  to  be  so,  at  any  rate  to  Indianians,  since  among 
Hoosiers  this  work  will  be  a  memorial  to  the  name  of  its  author 
as  long  as  interest  in  Indiana  history  lives,  and  we  are  entitled 
to  believe  that  that  interest  will  be  immortal.  This  may 
be  said,  not  because  of  the  literary  excellence  nor  because  of 
any  special  human  interest  attaching  to  its  stories,  but  because 
it  contains  the  most  valuable  history  of  this  Hoosier  land  in 
its  early  beginnings ;  because  it  relates  in  graphic  and  racy 
style  personal  adventures,  western  scenes  and  characters,  college 
jealousies  and  dissensions,  the  state  of  popular  culture  or  lack 
of  culture,  and  the  social  conditions  in  a  large  part  of  this  new 
country  in  its  early  days.  Here  are  found  vivid  descriptions 
of  the  varied  aspects  of  frontier  life  that  Hall  witnessed  and 
of  which  he  was  a  part, — the  modes  of  travel,  the  roads,  the 
cabin  homes  and  inns,  the  settler's  hospitality,  his  food,  his 
clothing,  the  games,  the  weddings,  the  barbecues,  the  rifle- 
matches,  the  stump  speeches,  the  college  exhibitions,  the  court 


x  INTRODUCTION 

trials,  the  "shiv-ar-ree",  the  pigeon  shooting.  Here  is  history, — 
not  of  wars  and  dynasties  and  states,  but  of  the  life  of  a  people. 

Hall  was  a  lover  of  nature.  Amid  the  mire  and  the  briars 
of  the  field,  the  wallows  and  the  mudholes  in  the  road,  amid 
the  pawpaws,  the  sassafras  and  the  sycamores,  he  saw  not 
only  the  homely  sides  of  life  but  he  had  an  eye  and  a  heart 
for  the  grandeur  and  beauty  of  his  primeval  surroundings, — 
the  warbling  birds,  the  bounding  deer,  the  racing  squirrels,  the 
giant  trees,  the  everlasting  shades,  the  gleaming  sun-light  by 
day,  the  clear  blue  sky  at  night  over  the  camp-meeting  tents  like 
a  dome  radiant  with  golden  stars.  In  his  eyes  "no  artificial 
dyes  could  rival  the  scarlet,  the  crimson,  the  orange,  the  brown, 
of  the  sylvan  dresses, — giant  robes  and  scarfs  hung  with  in- 
describable grandeur  and  grace  over  the  rough  arms  and  rude 
trunks  of  the  forest." 

Here  was  a  young  man,  who  had  eyes  to  see,  with  a  cultured 
background,  with  a  power  to  discriminate  and  to  distinguish 
the  significant;  and  above  all,  he  had  the  virtue  of  intent  and 
industry  (for  which  Heaven  be  praised)  to  write  down  what 
he  saw  and  understood,  to  preserve  it  for  us,  for  posterity  and 
for  history.  For  this  we  shall  ever  be  his  debtor. 

The  schools  and  libraries  and  readers  that  are  cooperating  in 
the  revival  of  interest  in  Indiana  history  will  give  a  responsive 
welcome  to  the  generosity  and  enterprise  of  Hall's  University, 
whose  Press  has  made  the  "New  Purchase"  again  easily  available. 

Over  sixty  years  ago,  in  1855,  a  New  Albany  publisher  was 
given  unstinted  praise  for  redeeming  so  deserving  a  work  from 
oblivion  by  bringing  out  a  second  edition.  The  New  Purchase 
was  then  generally  recognized  as  a  book  that  "ought  to  find 
its  way  into  every  Western  domicile,  especially  into  the  home- 
steads of  Indiana."  The  book  was  originally  published  by  the 
Appletons.  The  first  edition  of  1000  copies,  in  two  volumes, 
sold  chiefly  in  the  East,  only  few  copies  finding  their  way  to 
the  West.  This  was,  as  the  author  says,  "in  the  middle  of 
the  cheap  literature  age  when  English  works  were  selling  for 
a  shilling".  The  Appletons  were  pleased  with  the  circulation 
of  the  work  and  suggested  a  second  edition  of  6000  copies; 


INTRODUCTION  xi 

but  the  elder  Appleton  died  while  the  contract  was  pending, 
his  sons  lost  sight  of  it,  and  in  1855  when  the  book  had  been 
nearly  twelve  years  out  of  print,  Mr.  John  R.  Nunemacher,  of 
New  Albany,  Indiana,  stimulated  by  inquiries  for  the  book, 
opened  negotiations  with  the  author  with  a  view  to  bringing 
out  a  new  edition.  Professor  Hall  was  then  living  in  Brooklyn, 
N.  Y.,  preaching  twice  every  Sunday  and  teaching  at  Park  In- 
stitute five  hours  a  day  during  the  week.3  Hall  gave  a  ready  ear 
to  the  proposal  to  reprint  the  New  Purchase.  His  friend,  Pro- 
fessor Bush,  who  had  been  one  of  the  characters  of  the  book 
encouraged  the  venture  and  was  sanguine  of  its  success,  saying 
that  "not  a  copy  can  be  obtained  anywhere  for  love  or  money" 
and  that  he  ''had  in  vain  looked  over  all  the  old  bookstores  for  a 
stray  copy."  Nunemacher,  had  to  search  diligently  in  the  West 
before  he  could  find  one. 

The  author  and  publisher  had  sanguine  hopes  for  the  success 
of  the  new  edition.  There  had  been  many  fulsome  reviews 
of  the  first  edition  and  the  second  one  was  also  favorably  re- 
viewed by  the  press.  But  it  created  no  excitement  in  the  book 
market  Its  sales  were  disappointing  and  in  July  1856  Hall 
wrote  to  Nunemacher,  "Our  book  appears  to  be  dead."  The 
book  however,  sold  slowly  and  it  continued  to  sell  for  half 
a  centuiy  and  now  a  copy  of  the  second  edition  is  about  as 
difficult  to  obtain  as  is  one  of  the  original  edition  of  1843.  The 
second  edition  was  published  in  one  volume  with  fanciful  illus- 
trations of  "Old  Dick  at  the  "Tread-mill,"  the  "Young  Doctor" 
running  through  the  river  to  escape  from  "Hunting  Shirt  Andy," 
and  "Mizraim  Ham  'doing'  David  and  Goliath",  etc.  The 
second  edition  also  omitted  about  130  pages, — all  the  chap- 
ters relating  to  President  Wylie  and  the  college  quarrel.4 
These  parts  of  the  book  had  a  personal  and  local  color — 
rather  yellow — and  they  attracted  attention  beyond  their  merits, 
as  if  they  were  the  chief  features  of  the  book,  so  much 
so  that  the  Indianapolis  Sentinel  said  of  the  book  when  the 
second  edition  appeared,  "the  original  design  of  the  work  was 
principally  to  hold  up  to  public  indignation  and  ridicule  the 

3  His    daughter    sang   in    Dr.    Cheever's   church. 

4  See  Note  pages  481-511  and  accompanying  Notes. 


xii  INTRODUCTION 

late  Rev.  Dr.  Wylie,  President  of  the  University,  with  whom 
the  author  had  a  disagreement  which  led  to  his  leaving  the  col- 
lege, and,  also,  the  late  Governor  Whitcomb,  General  Lowe,  and 
others." 

While  Hall's  strictures  on  Whitcomb  and  Wylie  are  by  no 
means  unbiased  nor  truly  historic,  and  while  it  may  be  thought 
best  by  some  to  let  the  account  of  this  unseemly  quarrel  drop 
from  the  record  and  be  utterly  forgotten,  yet  the  publishers  and 
editors  of  the  present  edition  are  convinced  that  they  should  allow 
the  readers  of  the  New  Purchase  to  have  it  exactly  as  it  came 
from  the  press  in  the  original  edition  of  1843.  That  edition  is 
therefore  reprinted,  college  quarrel,  personalities  and  all,  with- 
out change  or  expurgation.  The  author  in  his  preface  to  the 
second  edition  said  that,  perhaps,  "in  time  a  'Key'  may  be 
forged  for  the  Lock."  We  think  that  time  has  come  after  the 
lapse  of  nearly  a  hundred  years.  The  "Key"  here  offered  is 
made  up  largely  from  manuscript  letters  of  Hall  himself,  and 
from  a  comparison  with  "Keys"  in  early  copies  of  the  work, 
and  from  manuscripts  of  Judge  Banta  and  Dr.  James  D.  Max- 
well. It  is  believed  that  the  "Key"  here  presented  is  as  complete 
and  as  correct  as  any  "Key"  extant  or  as  can  be  made  from 
information  now  available. 

There  was  at  first  some  Indiana  resentment  at  what  was 
considered  unjust  caricature  of  the  early  settlers  in  the  "New 
Purchase"  but  this  has  long  since  passed  away.  Hall  claimed  that 
he  had  truthfully  described  the  life  that  he  had  seen  and  of  which 
he  was  a  part.  The  general  truthfulness  of  the  book,  the  integrity 
and  sincerity  of  its  author  and  the  great  value  to  history  of  Hall's 
descriptions  and  portraitures  are  now  recognized  by  all  and  I  do 
not  hesitate  to  say  that  his  book  will  ever  remain  what  Hall  richly 
deserved  that  it  should  prove  to  be,  an  imperishable  Indiana 
classic. 

JAMES  A.  WOODBURN. 


KEY  TO  CHARACTERS  AND  PLACES 

IN   BAYNARD   RUSH    HALL'S 
THE  NEW  PURCHASE 

Persons 

ALLHEART,  VULCANUS,  AUSTIN  W.  SEWARD/'OHC 

of  kindest  of  men,"  Hall's  letter  to  pub- 
lisher of  the  2nd  edition.  Aug.  14,  1855. 

BALTIMORE,  LORD  BISHOP, DR.  R.  BRECKENRIDGE. 

BLODUPLEX,  DR PRESIDENT  ANDREW 

WYLIE,  of  Indiana  University. 

"BLUE  FIRE,"  RED  FIRE  OR  BIG  FIRE,  a 

Pottawattomie  Indian  Chief,  p.  223. 

BROWN,  MR MR.  BROWN,  of  Ireland. 

BROMPTON,  SQUIRE SQUIRE  HARDIN,  OR  JONA- 
THAN NICHOLS. 

BRASIER,  MR was  the  man  who  denied 

the  shape  of  the  earth. 

BRUSHWOOD,  STURGIS  HUCKBERRY. 

CARLTON,  ROBERT, BAYNARD  R.  HALL.  Hall 

was  also  Rev.  Charles  Clarence,  and  also 
the  Mr.  Merry  who  gave  the  touching 
,  sermon  in  Forsters'  saw-mill. 

CHARILLA,  Miss CHARILLA  DURKEE,  of 

Tippecanoe  Co. 

CLARENCE,  REV.  CHARLES, PROF.  BAYNARD  R.  HALL. 

CRABSTICK,   FELIX  HIGHT. 

COMPTON,  COL.  RETCHEM. 

CUTSWELL,  INSIDIAS Gov.  JAMES  WHITCOMB. 

In  the  second  edition  of  the  New  Pur- 
chase (1855)  Hall  changed  "Insidias"  to 
"William,"  saying  that  "Poor  Whitcomb 
became  a  religious  man  before  he  died." 

CRAVINGS,  LAWYER C.  P.  HESTER. 

DOMORE, PETER  BATTERTON. 

FAT  MODEST  ENGLISHMAN,  THE THOMAS  HEWSON. 

FINISHED  YOUNG  LADIES,  THE   MISSES   OWEN. 

GLENVILLE,  Miss  EMILY,  . .   MARTHA  YOUNG. 


xiv  KEY  TO  CHARACTERS 

GLENVILLE,  JOHN JOHN  M.  YOUNG.  After- 
wards moved  to  Jersey  City,  N.  J.  Mrs. 
Glenville  was  buried  near  the  Tannery. 
Mr.  Young  had  a  store  in  Gosport.  In 
his  store  Brasier  and  Hall  talked  about 
the  earth's  shape.  There  the  "yellow 
buttons"  were  sold. 

GEORGE JAMES  DUNN,  a  favorite 

pupil  of  Hall's,  who  re-wrote  his  compo- 
sition thirty-six  times. 

HAM,  REV.  MIZRAIM,  UNCLE  AARON  WALLACE 

(colored). 

HARLEN,  MR.,  JOHN  ORCHARD. 

HARWOOD,  PROF.,  PROF.  J.  H.  HARNEY,  of 

Louisville,  Ky.,  afterwards  editor  of  the 
Louisville  Democrat. 

HILLSBURY,  REV., REV.  ISAAC  REED,  broth- 
er-in-law of  the  Author. 

HENRY,  Gov.  JOSEPH  A.  WRIGHT. 

The  boy  who  dug  the  author's  well  and 
•went  after  his  cow.  In  the  old  record 
of  the  State  Seminary  is  this  entry : 
"Ordered  that  Joseph  A.  Wright  be  al- 
lowed for  ringing  the  college  bell,  mak- 
ing fires,  etc.,  in  the  college  building  dur- 
ing the  last  session  of  the  State  Semi- 
nary the  sum  of  sixteen  dollars  and 
twenty-five  cents." 

JACOBUS,  BRIG.  GEN'L GEN'L.  JACOB  LOWE. 

JAMES  JIMMY BEVERLY  W.  JAMES, 

School  Teacher. 

JOSEY  JACKSON  THE  POSTMASTER, JAMES  ALLISON,  P.  M. 

at  Spencer. 

KITTY,  AUNT,  MRS.  HALL'S  aunt,  "lives 

with  us,  aged  84."  (In  Brooklyn,  1855.) 

KETCHUM,  PEGGY  ("Mrs.  Compton")  "MRS  MARY  ANN  KET- 

CHEM  who  thought  "a  piano  was  as  far 
afore  a  fiddle  as  a  fiddle  is  afore  a 
jusharp." 

LIEBUG,   MENDAX,    «•........ LEE. 

LEATHERLUNG,  EOLUS,  JOSEPH  BERRY,  Preacher. 

LOBELIA JOSEPH  BERRY,  Preacher. 

MENNIWATER,  REV., REV.  MAYFIELD,  Cumber- 
land Presbyterian. 


KEY  TO  CHARACTERS  xv 

"MERCATOR,"  pp.  13-14  Vol.  I DELANY  R.  ECKLES 

(probably). 

MERRY,  REV., PROF.  BAYNARD  R.  HALL. 

Novus,  THE  REV.  REMARKABLE, REV.  I.  STRANGE,  OR  REV. 

JAS.  ARMSTRONG. 
"NEVY,"  THE  "DOCTOR'S  NEVY"  JAMES  MAXWELL,  nephew 

of  Dr.  David  H.  Maxwell,  who  was  a 

medical  student  under  Dr.  Maxwell.    He 

afterwards  lived  at  Grand  Gulph,  Miss. 
PARSONS,  REV., Rsv.  WILLIAM    MARTIN, 

Chap.  X. 
PAUNCH,  BISHOP,  JOHN  HENDERSON,  "Uncle 

Johny." 
PILLBOX,  PROF.,  DR.  JOSLIN,  OR  JOCELYN, 

of  Spencer. 

RAPID,  WILLIAM,    JAMES  BATTERTON. 

REDWHITE,  MR.,  JOHN     CONNER,     Indian 

Trader  and  Agent. 
ROBINSON,  TOM  (the  chopper) THOMAS     ROBINSON,    of 

Owen  County,  Indiana. 
ROWDY  SCHOOL  MASTER,    MR.   MILLS,    who   taught 

school    south     of     Woodville,     in     the 

Ketchem  neighborhood,  and  had  himself 

reported  as  drowned  in  Lost  River,  in 

Orange  county. 

SYLVAN,  DR.,   DR.  DAVID  H.  MAXWELL. 

SECOND  FIDDLER, ALBERT  LITTRELL. 

SEYMOUR,  UNCLE  JOHN UNCLE  JOHN  HOLMES,  he 

died  at  age  of  80,  at  Hanover,  Indiana. 
SMITH,  MR.,   MR.      DARRAH      MAYER, 

Pittsburgh,    Pennsylvania. 
"SOLOMON  RAPID," Commonly  known  as  JIM 

BATTERTON   or    SAGE   BATTERTON. 

SPRIGHTLY,  REV.  ELDER,  REV.WILLIAM ARMSTRONG. 

SEYMOUR,  THOMAS, THOMAS  HOLMES. 

SCRAPE,  DAN,  COL.    SAM'L    CRAVENS. 

STRANGE,  ELDER, REV.  JOHN  NEVENS. 

STANLEY,  NED,  JAMES  BORLAND. 

SHRUB,  BISHOP,  REV.    GEORGE    BUSH,    of 

Brooklyn,  formerly  of  Indianapolis,  then 

became  a  Swedenborgian  minister. 
THORNTREE,  HAMILTON  STOCKWELL  OR 

LEROY  GREGORY. 
WOOLLEY,  BEN,  NOBLE  BAKER. 


xvi  KEY  TO  CHARACTERS 

WILMER,  COL. GEN.  JOHN  MCCALLA,  of 

Washington  City,  and  of  Lexington,  Ky. 

"WHACKUM,"— School  teacher,  SHIELDS. 

WESTLAND,  MAJ.  BILLY,  WILLIAM  ALEXANDER, 

brother-in-law  of  Dr.  D.  H.  Maxwell. 

YOUNG  DOCTOR PARIS  C.  DUNNING,  who 

splashed  across  White  River  to  escape 
the  Indians  who  were  avenging  the  dese- 
cration of  Chief  Redfire's  grave,  later 
elected  Lieut.  Gov.  and  became  Governor 
of  the  States,  1848-49. 

UNCLE  TOMMY,  brother  of  John  Holmes, 

(Uncle  'John  Seymour').  Uncle  Tom- 
my died  in  Michigan,  aged  86. 

Places. 

ASHFORD  SETTLEMENT ASHBAUGH    SETTLEMENT. 

BIG  POSSUM  CREEK, BIG  RACCOON. 

CAVE,  THE TRUIT'S  CAVE,  later  called 

Mayfield's  -  Cave,  six  miles  west  of 
Bloomington. 

GLENVILLE, "two  or  three  miles 

above"  Gosport.  Mr.  Hall  in  his  letters 
to  Mr.  Nunemacher,  his  second  publish- 
er in  New  Albany,  says  the  Glenville 
settlement  was  "in  Monroe  county  about 
three  miles  from  Gosport."  In  this  he 
was  in  error  as  the  Glenville  settlement 
is  known  to  be  in  Owen  county  about 
three  and  a  half  miles  north  of  Gosport 
on  the  west  side  of  White  river.  See 
Note  p.  224. 

GUZZLETON,  GOSPORT. 

MOXVILLE, MARTINSVILLE. 

NUT  CREEK BIG  WALNUT. 

SHINING  RIVER,  OR  "THE  SHINEY," WHITE  RIVER. 

SLIPPERY  RUN,  EEL  RIVER. 

SPICEBURGH,    SPENCER. 

SPROUTSBURGH .LAFAYETTE. 

SUGARTOWN,  CRAWFORDSVILLE. 

TIMBEROPOLIS,    INDIANAPOLIS. 

TIPPECANOE, BATTLE  GROUND. 

WELDEN  SETTLEMENT,  PAYNE  SETTLEMENT,  west 

of  Gosport. 

WOODVILLE,  BLOOMINGTON,  the  site  of 

an  Indian  wigwam  village. 


PREFACE. 

BEFORE  my  friend,  ROBERT  CARLTON,  Esq.,  left*  he  handed 
me  the  MS.  of  "THE  NEW  PURCHASE,"  with  a  request  to  get  it 
published:  in  which  case  I  promised  to  write  the  Preface.  The 
best  Preface  will  be,  perhaps,  a  part  of  our  conversation  at  the 
time: 

" But,  Robert,  I  cannot  call  the  book  a  History." 

"Why  not,  Charles?" 

"It  contains  Fiction." 

"Granted:  but  is  that  not  the  case  with  other  Histories?" 

"To  some  extent:  yet  your  Fictions  will  be  taken  for  Truths, 
and  your  Truths  for  Fictions." 

"Maybe  so — yet  that  sometimes  happens  with  other  Histories." 

"Well,  what  shall  I  say,  Robert?" 

"Oh!  say  what  you  know  is  the  fact: — that  the  substratum  is 
Truth;  nay,  that  the  Truth  is  eight  parts  out  of  ten,  the  Fiction 
only  two : — that  the  Fiction  is  mainly  in  the  colouring  and  shading 
and  perspective,  in  embodying  the  Genus  Abstract  in  the  Indi- 
vidual Concrete ;  in  the  aggregation  and  concentration  of  events, 
acts,  actors,  like — let  us  see — like  flowers  culled  in  many  places  and 
bound  in  one  bouquet: — that  the  Chronology  of  the  whole  and 
the  parts  is  in  need  of  some  rectification,  and  so  on." 

"May  I  not  say,  however,  that  places,  persons,  things,  &c.  are 
essentially  as  you  found  them?" 

"Well,  Charles,  I  do  not  know  that  it  is  important.     Let  the 

*Took  Yankee  leave. 

xvii 


XV111 


PREFACE 


book  pass  for  what  it  is  worth:  if  taken  for  History,  it  will  be 
thought  I  had  a  somewhat  remarkable  experience,  if  for  Fiction, 
that  I  have  tolerable  Invention ;  and  then  my  scull  will  be  in  the 
market — for  the  booksellers  in  my  lifetime, — and  the  Phrenolo- 
gists afterwards.  And  yet,  on  second  thought,  you  may  say,  that 
had  I  not  told,  sometimes,  less  than  the  truth,  the  undiminished 
Truth  would  have  seemed  more  like  Fiction  than  ever." 

"Robert,  may  I  not  alter  or  suppress" 

"No — Charles — no: — I  know  your  modesty  and  timidity.  But 
let  the  blame  of  dragging  you  forward  be  on  me.  As  Editor  you 
may  correct  grammar,  rhetoric,  and  so  on — but  do  not  meddle 
with  the  text.  If  necessary,  you  may  add  notes." 

"Well,  what  shall  I  call  or  name  the  book?" 

"I  can  give  a  title — but  it  is  as  long  as  your  arm: — 'Where- 
abouts? or  Seven  and  a  Half  Years  in  a  New  Purchase  of  the 
Far  West;  being  a  Poetic  Dream  at  Sun  Rise,  with  a  Prosaic 
Reflection  at  Sun  Set — a  Novel-History,  and  a  Historic-Novel, 
with'  "- 

"Stop!  stop! — Robert,  that  will  never  do.  Suppose  we  call  It 
simply  The  New  Purchase,  or  Seven  and  a  Half  Years  in  the 
Far  West :  by  Robert  Carlton,  Esq'  ?" 

"That  will  do ;  with  a  Latin  sentence  or  two" 

"The  Latin  age  is  past;  people  read  now  by  intuition;  it  will 
hurt  the  sale  in  warm  weather;  and,  in  the  winter  the  days  are 
too  short  to  be  wasted  in  puzzling  out  meanings." 

"Still,  Charles,  let  us  have  in  a  little  scrap ;  for  instance — alter 
et  idem" 

"Oh !  Robert — yet  if  you  do  not  care  /  do  not ;  it  shall  go  in." 

"And  suppose  you  add,  per  multas  aditum,  &c.  ?" 


PREFACE 


xix 


"That  would  be  honest;  but  folks  do  not  want  to  be  got  at, 
and  you  must  not  put  them  on  guard:  if  all  readers  were  in- 
genuous, and  wished  to  be  profited  as  well  as  entertained" 

"Ah!  dear  Charles,  let  us  hope  enough  of  the  proper  sort  may 
be  found  to  reward  a  publisher." 

"Yes,  dear  Robert,  but  perhaps  even  such  may  say,  after  reading 
the  book,  they  are  disappointed  and  wish  to  have  their  money 
back." 

"Oh!  that  would  be  very  unpleasant,  indeed!  Do  you  think 
that  might  happen,  Charles  ?" 

"I  hope  not;  but  what  if  the  honest  and  ingenuous  we 
disappointed  ?" 

"Why,  that  is  a  thing  to  be  considered — you  have  taken  me 
unawares — let  us  see — why,  really; — and  yet,  to  be  honest  and 
candid  myself,  if  the  good,  and  the  honest,  and  the  frank-hearted, 
all  say,  after  reading  and  understanding  my  book,  that  they  are 
very  sorry  I  ever  wrote  it." 

"You  appeal  then,  dear  Robert,  to  the  good,  the  ingenuous,  the 
merry,  and  even — the  religious?" 

"I  do." 

"Then  to  such,  if  we  can  find  a  publisher,  you  shall  go." 

CHARLES  CLARENCE. 
Somwhersburgh,  1843. 


CONTENTS 


JOURNEY. 

CHAPTER     I. 

Reasons  of  some  for  going  West,  prosaic;  of  others,  poetic:  the  latter 
the  Author's Day  dreaming Injurious  to  Dilworth's  spelling- 
book how  dispelled What  was  hoped  in  early  manhood.... 

Prepared   I 

CHAPTER      II. 

How  long  once  a  journey  to  Pittsburg Antiquated  one  wheeled  car 

....  Stage-office,  imposition,  who  could  it  be  ? Stages,  wore  no 

boots ....  Exercise  in  Etymology. . . .  Mysterious  disappearance. . . . 

Believing  spirit How  to  fill  a  stage  with  tiers Mr.  Brown 

enters. ...  .Dialogue  between  Foote  and  Put Democrats  made. . . . 

Solo  talker,  and  wonderful  history iCurious'  effect  of  nodding 

....Making  up Interesting  scene  at  washing  faces A  dis- 
covery  Apology.  3 

CHAPTER      III. 

A  horn What  to  do  with  a  new  bonnet. . . .  Space  for  fut,  and  other 

articles Introductions Mr.  C.,  and  his  reasons  for  We-ing, 

&c Mr.  Smith Mr.  Brown,  and  his  ignorance Col.  Wil- 

mar haracter Gen.  Winchester.  . .  .River  Raisin Ad- 
ventures  Story  interrupted What  Jacob  and  little  Peggy 

could  do Mr.  Brown  repairing  breach  of  a  battering  ram 

Wilmar's  narrative Charles  Clarence,  how,  he  went  to  Niagara, 

what  he  was  going  to  Kentucky  after,  recommended  to  ladies. 

. . .  .Sudden    flash. . .  .Lancaster. . .  .Caoutchouc    stages Reader 

yawns    9 

CHAPTER     IV. 

How   to   set   out Ribbon   of   fice Slower Growling Why 

ended Very  interesting  talk Answers . . .  .Consequences 

Rref  reshments ....  Evil    spirits Danger    of    pocket   pistols 

Effect  of  music  on  an  extra  driver,  his  ballad Earthquake 

Geometrical Twelve  and  a  half  cents  worth  of  sleep Sleep 

by  the  job Sleep  off  hand Exclamation 15 

CHAPTER    V. 

Departure  from What  we  have  said,  though  we  should  not 

Ascent Usual   feat Waiting 'Bonnet  in   and   out Not 

afraid  of  robbers  at  a  distance Still  going  up Reflections 

up  there Dreams ....  Interruption . . .  .Descent. . . .  Peril ....  Cau- 
tion and  effect  of  it How  to  hold  up  a  stage View  over  ear- 
tips Look!  look! What  is  it?.... Data  for  calculation 

Dreadful   fall ! Not   ready   either Why 'Described   as   a 

model    18 

xxi 


xxii  CONTENTS 

CHAPTER      VI. 

Greek  imitated. ..  .Col.  Wilmar's  adventure Mr.   Smith's  remark, 

and  interesting  narrative Miss  Wilmar  begs  Clarence  to  tell 

something His  compliance And  throat  nearly  cut.... Ex- 
clamation   Story  resumed.  Cool  bed Bad  words Clar- 
ence ends  by  beginning,  and  is  prevented A  deer Conse- 
quences  Wonderful  adventure  at  night  by  Mr.  and  Mrs.  C 

Gallant  action A  long  skip owing  to  the  reader's  impatience    24 

PITTSBURG. 

CHAPTER     VII. 

Iron  age  and  musical  hexameters Milton's  devils  did  not  load  scien- 
tifically...  .Scenes  when  the  wind  blows Folly  of  rash  judg- 
ment  Beautiful  womem What  takes  from  adds  to 

Coelebs Tribute  to  Mr.  Smith 35 

VOYAGE 

CHAPTER    VIII. 

Spit-fire Ark How      built Captain His      affection All 

aboard Poetical  burst Rude  interruption Curious  result 

of  "the  slue.".. .  .Farewell! An  apostrophe Wilmar's  pro- 
position  Meeting  constituted The  chair 'Brown  not 

elected Debate Officers Orders Stores   and    furniture 

Fixing A  tie ....  Figurative  grammar Dangers Sleep- 
on  system. ..  .Whistling  against..  ..A.  fix. . .  .Expisode  during  an 

embargo Untying Planter Snag Sawyer Curious 

male Slick    feller Palinurus Beats Sings,    and    leaps 

Grand  flotilla Superior  to Romance Old  fashioned 

shower. . .  .Witchery. . . .  Echo  and  Muses. . .  .Indignant  lament. . . . 

Seventh  day Hard  spelling "Halloo  !" Going  over  an  old 

lesson Liberal  proposal  to  reader Broke  up Farewell. . .     36 

THE  SEARCHING 

CHAPTER     IX. 

A  question no  reply First  lessons Travelling  in  Autumn  and 

Spring Why,    and  :how Instincts    of    Hoosiers    and    Corn>- 

crackers,   &c First   night The    fan Second    night A 

rite-dite! Poetry    cooling..  A    description    and    inventory 

Poetic  justice  for  a  ghost Shifting Talk  between  a  woman 

and  a  lady Two  things  done  at  once Bending  according  to 

nature Shorter    by    position The    "set-up"    performed .... 

Half-and-half Answer  to  Mr.  Nice Ditto  to  Miss Call- 
ing names 49 

CHAPTER    x. 

Agrees  with  the  reader Whither Great  peril Vengeance.... 

Two  sorts  of  oases Reception Why  the  children  were  mod- 
est   Humanities Tribute  to  the  Clergy No  pay  taken 

Episode  about  50  cents A  very  novel  and  useful  society 

proposed Contrast  between   preaching   fortunately  interrupted 

at  Bishop  Baltimore's   55 

CHAPTER     XI. 

Woodville  capital  of  New  Purchase A  halt Strange  animals 

Dr.  Sylvan Doubt  about  class Dress  and  undress Sweat 


CONTENTS  xxiii 

rag Adroit    manipulations Governor Leaden    casket.... 

Aborigines Arrows Grand      buildings Wizard's      box — 

how  not  to  get  in Churches. . . .  Steeple  saints Household 

churches Elocution Scenes Inscription Anecdotes 

"who  keeps  house  ?"....  "Put  on  the  pat,".  . .  .Taverns. ..  .Private 

houses ....  Dr.    Sylvan's Red    fire Doctor   as   a  hunter 

House  proper  and  L Lamp-lighters. . .  .Expostulation Mys- 
terious perforations  in  a  wall "O  fye"  retaliated Hydrau- 
lics  Diplomas A  regret Hint  to  Uncle  Sam Hark 61 

CHAPTER     XII. 

Solemn   league   broken Generosity Start   again First    snake 

story . . .  .Path    to     Glenville Legislative     road Stumps 

Straddling Exercises    of    taste    and    fancy Auxiliaries. . . . 

whither   they   do   not   go (Curious    illumination   of   roads 

Corner  tree Enormous  Serpent  coiled Mr.  C.  rushes  for- 
ward in  a  phrenzy  and  seizes  it  by  the  tail Screeching Es- 
capes unhurt Third  snake  hit  on  the  tail,  but  the  author  does 

not  venture  to  seize Error  detected  in<  a  mathematical  axiom 

Neighbourhood  roads — in  actue — in  posse Wide  bottom — 

Sun  caught  at  last  in  an  out  of  the  way  place — poetry  reviving 

Apparition    of   a   hamadryad — poetry    dying    again Difference 

between  halloa!  and  "holler !"...  .Elocutional  lesson  gratis  to  all 

who    buy   the    book Perspicuous    directions    to    Glenville 

Poetry  of  the  whale Getting  into  bed  a  mystery — how  Mrs. 

Major  Billy  Westland  did — and  our  "Jess" Good  night 72 

THE  FINDING 

CHAPTER      XIII. 

What    the    Brushwoods    thought Straight    directions Thrilling 

accident. .  ..great  snortings A   rational  conjecture — an  abrupt 

ending Suburbs slipping  down — uproar — looking  out — what 

Mr.   C.   and   his   consort  tumbled  into Dear   reader — hugged 

over. . . .  Tenderness ....  Thanksgiving    81 

FIRST  YEAR 

CHAPTER      XIV. 

In  the  woods ....  Reader  overcome  by  entreaties,  and  introduced  to  the 
Settlement. ..  .Terms    explained — origin    of    "absquatulate"    and 

cognates What  names  a  Settlement Patriarchal  cabin — Mr. 

Hillsbury's — Tannery — Squatteree  of  a  Leatherstocking Other 

Settlements Ranges. ..  .Praises  of  semi-wild  boars S.  East 

of  Glenville — West — N.  East Timberopolis — seat  of  two  evils 

— Ins  and  Outs Map-towns — Snail  shell  towns Compressi- 
bility of  elastic  families History  of  the  Seymours Mr.  iCarl- 

ton/'s  courtship Why  here — and  wider  awake! Disagreeable 

visitor — what  the  woman  did — what  Mr.  C.  did  with  the  end  of  a 

tail — fair  offer   for  a  box   of   rosin! Enormous   expense.... 

Cabin    architecture1 — Rough — Scotched — Double — Composite,    &c. 

&c Way  to  hang  a  door,  and  have  it  eaten  off — C-liding  to  next 

chapter 84 

CHAPTER      XV. 

Thrifty  housewives — 289  feet Puncheoned  area — grand  divisions — 

sub-dividings Adroitness Imaginary     lines Potato 


xxiv  CONTENTS 

Carlton's  study Kitchen  proper  and  improper Plunder.... 

History  of  a  waiter  and  a  cake  of  sugar Great  peril  of  Mrs. 

Seymour — remarkable  escape  of  something  else the  old  pier- 
glass — what  mistaken  for — packed  away — alas !  94 

CHAPTER    XVI. 

Two  arts  learned . . .  .Grinding  and  kindred  topics Graecian  bark 

Curious    round   thing   described Old    Dick   named — perpetual 

motion,  and  e  pluribus  unum. ..  .Instrument  of  torture  recom- 
mended for  the  spread  of  the  gospel New  mode  of  calculat- 
ing the  contents  of  a  circular  area — another  last  word — puncheons  ! 

Old  Dick  trots  up— his  age — apprenticeship,  and  how  stunted, 

&c.   &c His  practical   jokes   moral   character — how   many  he 

would  carry — how  steered,  &c His  idosyncracy Blackboard 

—brass  band — Hogarth  99 

CHAPTER     XVII. 

A  secret  whispered Making  believe Scene  on  meeting  a  curious 

person — his  incredulity  and  surprise How  skill  is  acquired 

Squirrel  killed  by  concussion Why  Western  folks  use  rifles — 

what  was  done  at  the  Tannery Captivating  offer  to  the  reader 

....The  author  refuses  "to  bore"  with  a  rifle Sequel  contains 

the  story  of  something  in  behalf  of  the  Temperance  Society, 
which  commenced  will  be  read  through  by  all  cold  watermen  and 
members  of  the  Peace  Society Gathering  quadrupeds 105 

CHAPTER     XVIII. 

Meetings — little  and  big Riding  twice Dick's  cargo — advantage 

of  heavy  loads.... How  "crkturs"  are  hung — and  how  they  dance 

. . .  .Advertisements Mistakes    of    some    missionaries 

Character  of  missionaries — 'hardships — zeal — poverty,  &c "Half 

a      loaf" — applied      ecclesiastically Salaries — Paul — Luke. . . . 

Cruel   logic Recommendation   to    some    at   ease    in   Zion 

Something  very  wet Apropos!  of  buckskin  breeches Inci- 
dents— Glenville's — Leatherstocking's — Peggy's  panthers — Mission- 
ary's bears 'Cries Danger  and  escape  117 

CHAPTER      XIX. 

A   Bishop's   whisper The  salam Talk   about   " 'mense   heap   of 

woods,  &c." Breaking  ice — freezing  and  thawing. ..  .Copy  of 

remarkable    writing Giving   the    "invite" ....  Episode    about   a 

bride  elect  and  her  friends — Mr.  Ashmore  and  his  "idees" — dia- 
logues about  tiie  earth — the  sun — two  pennies Susan  rose  of 

wilderness — lovers Day  arrives — Glenville  folks,  in  several  di- 
visions, march Old  Dick  and  a  hurricane — defence  of  his  non- 
sense  'Place  reached — a  change — dead  calm — a  descent Mrs. 

Ashford  at  the  foot  of  a  ladder — what  was  seen — how  to  hook  a 
women Solemnization Terror — with  an  appendix ....  Put- 
ting out  and  chasing. ..  .Noon — and  ferment Holiday  in  a 

clearing Old  Dick  can't  stand  it  any  longer What  happened 

to  three  chaps  on  his  back Story  telling — "tarrifying  a  ba'r" 

—"gobbling  a  turkey," — snake  affair — 'Uncle  Tommy's  long  story 
Dinner — "eating  twice". ..  .Inversion  of  matrimonial  chord — a 
short  prayer Amazing  pot  pie ! Fried  leather ! — other  deli- 
cacies  Natural  curiosity  Hint  taken Volunteers Pulling 

up  and  stopping  a  frolic  130 


CONTENTS  xxv 

CHAPTER     XX. 

Occupation — merry  time — treadles   versus  pedals. .'.  .closet — shuttle — 

Flute  and    Fiddle — Greek  and  Latin — "Tyture  tu  pat" Hebrew 

Evenings  and  crackings. ..  .Family  lamp. ..  .Axe-craft — Tom 

Robinson Fire  making — back  log — puffs  and  jumping  back — 

hipping  a  log — 'puncheons  wriggling Fire — bursting  out — com- 
bustion not  supported  by  a  bladder,  of  gas A  tong Bah !. . . . 

Hurraw-aw    157 

CHAPTER      XXI. 

Monotony  interrupted  by  a  cow ....  Story  of  the  skins A  deer  hunt, 

in  which  are  introduced  two,  and  the  theory  of  opinion  and  in- 
stincts ....  Uncle  Tommy's  cabin,  inside,  outside  and  all  around, 

and  the  way  to  get  water Sabbaths Neighbour  Sturgis 

answer  to  a  crack  question ....  Description — a  pulpit,  and  how  to 

handle   it inspiration,   suckspiration   and   expiration Awful 

storm,  effect  on  two  bounds Logic,  cause  and  effect Advan- 
tage to  a  preacher  of  the  modern  chemical  nomenclature.... 
Happy  escape  165 

SECOND  YEAR 

CHAPTER      XXII. 

Campaign candidates. . ..  Grounds  of  electioneering. . .  .Consequen- 
ces of  laughing  in  meeting Defences  of  laughing Certificates 

Poor    Philip's    logic    spouted ....  Price    of    Liberty Pure 

Democracy — what  boys  do Stump  speeches,  action  in  oratoy 

Isam    Greenbriar's    cart Sam    Dreadnought's     wagon 

Munificence  and  meanness  of  some  candidates ....  Nobleness  of 

others. ..  .Political  baptism  no  dry  joke A  history  called  for, 

and  treated  in  next  three  chapters 175 

CHAPTER     XXIII. 

Sameness  of  age Born  and  educated Difference  between  Quaker 

school  and  quackery  one Duff  Green How  to  see  the  World 

Party  50  miles  beyond  white  settlement Visit  returned,  a 

rich  breakfast,  and  a  reflection  like  Unole  Tommy's De  gusti- 

bus  non  ? Encountered ;  scene  between  a  little  and  a  big  man 

A  pet  dream ;   savage  propensities Peril   in   Missouri ;   moral 

courage — affection  of  a  hunter  for  a  rifle — anxiety tenderness 

....heroism escape Rifle   lost Squatter's   hut..  ..Hospi- 
tality      181 

CHAPTER  XXIV. 

Rendezvous Bee    tree Roundabout-abilitudiness !  ....  English 

tourists  Biggest  tree  in  the  world! Bees  again How  to  get 

fruit  contrary  to  a  proverb.. .  .How  a  mighty  heart  was  broken 

What  the  sun  saw  after  a  Millenium! Honour — sublimity 

and   littleness i 190 

CHAPTER  XXV. 

Return    home Produce Medical    recipe Out    of    frying   pan 

Episode — what's    in   our   dark    forests.. "18   injins — 15    wites 

&c." Interlude — a    farce    between    tragedies — encouraging    to 

humble  Democrats A  stock  vanishing a  robber — a  lynching, 

commended  to  canting  infidels  and  puling  moralists Prepar- 


xxvi  CONTENTS 

ing  for  peril — incident  on  the  way — robbers'  retreat — a  scene, 
in  which  is  shown  the  efficacy  of  powder  and  ball — editors  that 
recommend  firing  on  mcbs  and  abolishing  capital  punishments 

"Well!  we  might  have  had  better  luck!" — and  "Well    what 

next  ?" 193 

CHAPTER  XXVI. 

Hardness  of  a  politician's  way Directions  about  eating — brimstone 

— and  so  forth Hints  to  Tract  Societies Benefit  of  young 

lawyers  consulted Rabblerousing  intentions  of  Mr.  C Nig- 

gering — off Copy  book  sentence  illustrated Martyrdom 

How  to  make  candidates  work  to  some  useful  end Our  first 

speech,  and  whence  none  before  was,  and  never  can  be  again ! 

political  balance,  recommended  to  Fence  people Gratitude  for 

favours  not  received Tempest  of  Fire !   200 

CHAPTER    XXVII. 

Courteous    dialogue.. Post-office— famished     mail — diluted     news 

Mutual     indifference Going    to    office — alarm — 'wheel-about — 

wonderment — and  wonderful  downfall ! . . . .  Dissertation  on  thing- 

amies Spiceburg — catching     a      postmaster Dialogues 

Uncle  Sam's  Cabinet — a  search  there — what  was  buried  alive 
resuscitated defence  of  buyers — and  how  to  circulate  a  wood- 
chopper. ..  .Dialogue  between  Sam  and  Mr.  Johnson. ..  .How  to 

spend  a  fip How  to  do  justice  by  gulling  a  man Sam  and 

Mr.  C.  start  for  home — melancholy  interruption — and  how  Sam 
used  irreverent  words. ..  .Gratitude,  with  an  offer  to  row  a  man 
up  a  certain  creek Mistake  in  "katter-korner'd  like."  208 

CHAPTER   XXVIII. 

The   grave Surprised   there  by   the    Indians Story   about   Red 

Fire  and  two  young  doctors. . .  .Hunting-shirt  Andy Remark- 
able interruption  of  the  story Andy's  request — puts  off — per- 
forms several  parts 'Doubtful  gender  221 

CHAPTER  XXIX. 

Miscalculation. ..  .Disappointed. ..  .Dick  scampers  off  and  brings  back 

a  wonderful  little  man  and  another  horse No.  6  and  No.   I 

Modus    loquendi Effect   of    an    "acquotical    solution." 

Terror  occasioned  by  "dental  surgery  and  principal  molares." 
Infallible  inferences  from  external  symptoms ....  Blameable 

negligence  of  Mr.  C.  in  not  "exhibiting." Amazing  power  of 

a  'Republican  Legislature Journal  of  the  House  229 

CHAPTER  XXX. 

A  court  constituted. ..  .Difference  between  "Mister"  and  "Brother." 
....Brother  Hillsbury — his  labours  and  perils. ..  .Bishop  Shrub 
of  Timberopolis. . .  .Mr.  Merry. ..  .Decrees. ..  .Expedition. ... 

Coming  to  a  mill — Solitude  sweetened,  but  not  with  sugar 

"Come,   let's   have   that   preaching,"   &c Mr.    Merry   prepares 

The  saint  end  of  a  log What  scratches  next  to  a  large 

saw — and  what  deserves  it.... Mr.  M.  begins  and  quits,  and  be- 
gins again Sudden  shot — with  its  consequences Deserted 

Indian   town- Preaching  at   Mr.    Redwhite's — his    history — his 

wife's,  with  massacre  at  Wyoming Supper   234 


CONTENTS  xxvii 

CHAPTER  JOXXI. 

Sets  out  alone.. A  family  in  bed  in  the  day  time Thanks  to  the 

reader The  author  seized — at  first  laughs — exposes  hypocrisy 

— is  visited  again  by  Monsheer  Tonson Serious — yet  tells  an 

anecdote  of  Dr.  Sylvam  in  kicking  an  enemy  off Delirious 

Jet  black  mammoth! A  frail  canoe! A  visit — bold  practice 

— curious  paper — how  to  say  "oohh  !" Advice The  author 

receives  an  appointment  from  Legislature — writes  to  Charles 
Clarence Three  ends  249 

THIRD  YEAR 

CHAPTER   XXXII. 

Sad  event A  character An  angel  of  beauty A  funeral 255 

CHAPTER  XXXIII. 

Changes Speculations Separation Imitation  of  Dr.  Pillbox. . . 

Surprise   of    Hoosierina Ah!   come   now Parting   with   an 

old  friend Indignant  flourish Melancholy  ending Relief 

for  the  reader. ..  .Sixteen  reasons  for  an  advertisement First 

Piano  ever  "heern  tell  of" Notes  of  invitation  to  soirees 

"Them'  are  little  jumpers !" Man  of  the  Woods  with  a  soul 

A  respectable  lady "Encore !" A  profitable  study  for  certain 

religious  people Study  for  young  gentlemen  about  to  marry 

A   concentrated    Moral    257 

CHAPTER   XXXIV. 

The  reader  will  remember  something Mr.  C.,  a  Trustee  and  Com- 

mitteeman Surprise Kind    offer    to    find    a    chair    and    fill 

it Charles  Clarence Competition Mr.  Jimmey Dia- 
logues on  "cream" — on  Algebra. ..  .Offer  to  black  shoes  to  boot, 
and  cherry  bitters. ..  .Mr.  Rapid ....  Dialogue  on  learning  three 

or    four   of   the    dead    languages Meeting    of    the    Board 

Disappointment "Darnations."     264 

CHAPTER    XXXV. 

Visitation Sacred  Phrenology  and  Mesmerism Bulls  of  Bashan 

and  bronchitis Amazing  effects  of  a  very  simple  machine 

Difference  between  Barton  Stone  and  Peter  Stone Persever- 
ance...  .Power  of  pressure  in  conversion. ..  .Pomelling  better 

than  switching Importance  of  accuracy  in  names Fanaticism 

always  fatal  to  morals Lawyer  Insidias  Cntswell — appearance 

in    full    dress.  ..  .pinch    of    snuff    performed Bishop's    prayer 

against   catgut A   venture    2/0 

CHAPTER   XXXVI. 

Allheart — a  master — a  "Lyon" — and  recommended  to  all  Blacksmiths, 

learned  and  unlearned His  skill  in  rifle  making Mr.  C.  takes 

fire  and  challenges Returns  to  Vulcanus — what  his  "left  eye 

ketch'd  a  glimpse  of"  once Curious  experiment  in  optics 

An    offer A    rule    of    grammar A   musical    blacksmith 

Paga/nini Handling   fingers    in    flute-playing A  painter 

Rare  art Worth  the  price  of  the  book  to  portrait-painters 

A  chef  d'ceuvre American  goddess Mr.  C.  regrets  not  hav- 
ing studied  composition Gutswell's  speech  on  the  "hoss-block !" 

. .  Woodville  House  277 


xxviii  CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  XXXVII. 

Flying  visit Fording Evil  report  confirmed. . .  .Dear  old  politi- 
cal   friends    absquatulated Desolation Farewells Bishop 

Shrub,  Uncle  John  and  Mr.  C.  set  out First  glimpse  of  the 

prairie    world Stopping   to    hold    meeting getting   into    anx 

odd    scrape Wanting   to,    and   not   daring Mr.    C.    laughs, 

whether  the   reader  does  or  not Led  by  an   abrupt  question 

into  a  very  undignified  ending  286 

CHAPTER  XXXVIII. 

Vincennes Light  and  darkness Puritanical  views  dangerous  to 

the  religion  of  the  01  roXXoi Baleful  effects  of  reading  history 

forbidden  by  Mother  Mystery Meeting  of  Suckers,  Pukes,  and 

other  natives House  of  Bishops Dialogue  on  Swearing 

Grave  of  a   Soldier 292 

CHAPTER   XXXIX. 

Going   to    Ilinois    with    a    Mister Patriarchal    Sucker. ..  .Arabian 

Nights ....  Preface   to   a*i  odd   talk,   during   which   Uncle   John 

shuffles  out His  unchristian  revenge  for  the  razor  business 

Solemn  league  of  offence  and  defence Attack  on  the  enemy — 

how  we  conquered,  and  beat  ourselves A  sin  to  be  scourged. . . . 

Homeward   trail    297 

CHAPTER    XL. 

Razorville Aboriginal    Egyptian    or    Greek   colony    met   with 

A    non-descript   pony   described. . .  .The    way   to    drive    one.... 

What's  better  than  to  live  in  clover Starting The  way  to 

follow  two  trails  at  once Led  into  it advantage  of  equal 

reasons Echo  to  the  sense Getting  further  in Advantage 

of  the   precise   sort  of   Phrenology Bursting  through   to   an 

adventure Temptation  resisted Escape  from  danger Old 

man   Staffords ....  Getting  into  and  out  of  it Prairie  late  at 

night. . .  .Lone  Woman. . .  .How  two  beds  were  "tuk  up.". . .  .Dis- 
agreement between  Uncle  John  and  Mr.  C Dialogue  in  two 

places   at  once Mr.  C.   begs   for   information  in   fashionable 

grammar Four  meals  devoured  at  once  among  the  stars 

Snug 301 

CHAPTER    XLI. 

Change Christmas — joy  in  the  morning — a  messenger  at  night 

Woman  as  she  was  and  should  be A  nobleman Homer's 

heroes  imitated  in  spite  of  modern  critics 314 

FOURTH  YEAR 

CHAPTER    XLII. 

Augustan    age    of    the    Purchase New    actor. ..  .Chastisement 

Character Uncle  Sam Big  and  Little  recalled  to  memory, 

with  a  piece  of  Mr.  Carlton's  mind An  opening  in  1800,  and 

so   f  orth ....  Master  arrives Sprinkle  of   boy. ...  .Speech — nat- 
urally   interrupted — resumed Fixing Growlings Liberty 

and  equality Compliments Dialogue  on  "trousers,"  and  con- 
sequence different  from  the  reader's  fears A  Yankee  trick 

Getting  used  to  it  319 


CONTENTS  xxix 

CHAPTER    XLIII. 

A  favourite  doctrine  badly  understood  from  theory Paper  models 

The    People — universal — general — special — peculiar,    &c.    &c. 

....What  the  special  people  did  for  the  general  people,  and  what 

the  particular  people  said  and  did  about  it The  people's  people 

advance A  Grand  Dignity  with  eight  tails! Board  in  ses- 
sion— his  Rowdy  Royalty's  speech Dr.  Sylvan's  compound.... 

Why  the  Conscript  Fathers  do  bullyism  naturally  and  grace- 
fully...  .History  struts  in  new  moccasins  or  buskins,  and  ends 
in  a  hell-a-blow ! 327 

CHAPTER    XLIV. 

"What  now?" Girls. ..  .Eleven  persons — ten  and  a  half  horses.... 

Contrast Ready  —  mounted  —  off ! Screechings  !  —  flappings 

Slower — talking — eating Slippery  river '^Girls !  and  all !" — 

yes Dr.    Hexagon Hey! Crossing — forgetting    the    legs 

Chattering "Where's    pony  ?". . . .  Passage    of    Nut    creek 

in    a    new    line — dizzy Neptune Crocket Preparing    to 

digress  334 

CHAPTER    XLV. 

Big  possum "Do  you  want  to  see,  &c,  &c. ?".  .  ..Whip  ! — start! — 

go-o "Well  done,  &c." Amazing  effect  of  praise. . . .  A  true 

Indian  trace. ..  .Course  by  sunshine,  yet  not  by  the  sun Sub- 
limity...  ."Ay !  ay!  go  on !"....  A  new  road,  and  new  grammars, 
&c The  dry  world All  safe 344 

CHAPTER    XLVI. 

Fresh  start One  young  lady..  ..A  number  of  things  told,  but  not 

narrated. . .  .Romantic  curtain Wha£  dispelled,  and  yet  formed 

part  of  a  dream ...  .Robert  Dale  Owen  and  diagrams Path  to 

Tippecanoe ! Picturesque Sprotttsburg  and  Indian Blind 

path ....  Getting  out  the  right  side  of  a  slough Funeral  tree! 

First  glimpse  of  the  field How  the  author  forgets  him- 
self, and  turns  out  only  a  common  man. . .  .Where  the  dead?. . . . 

What  is  this?  with  the  squatter's  tale Tippecanoe  descirbed 

Squatter's  story  of  the  sentinel The   departed  President 

"Joe  Davis,"  an  old  story  revived — how  he  died ! Farewell  to 

....  Poetry  up  to  fever  heat  at  last,  and  breaks  out  in  a  battle . . .  348 

CHAPTER    XLVII. 

Return  to  the  Doctor's Setting  out  for  home Detail  before  a 

skip,  TOO  yards  wide  and  more plausibility circumnaviga- 
tion  Skip  performed  unexpectedly Remarkable  coincidence 

in  opinion  of  Aunt  Kitty  with  the  reader 362 

CHAPTER    XLVIII. 

Doubts  dissipated Dialogue  about  "bonnit." Character  of   Mr. 

Carlton resolves    to    imitate    the    Vicar Camp-meeting 

some  prosaic  poetry reasoning  and  inferences Amount  of 

spiritual  labour Master  spirits Sprightly Novus anec- 
dotes and  sermons,  which  the  reader  may  skip  if  he  can,  and 
go  on  to  the  prayer  on  "moonshine". ..  .Mizraim  Ham  and  his 

mellow-drama Venerable   old   warrior,   and   the   way   to   fire 

at  the  Devil Mr.  Carlton  almost  knocked  down  himself! 


xxx  CONTENTS 

Terrific  fight  between  two,  and  the  way  one  made  the  Devil  let 

go  a  grip The  author  goes   away  unconverted  himself,   but 

gives  a  favourable  testimony  to  the  efficacy  of  camp-meetings 364 

CHAPTER    XLIX. 

Love  and  matrimony! His  "galling"  expeditions How  he  was 

once    caugiht    in    a    trap Miss    Brown Dialogue    between 

Carlton  and  Glenville — a  double  compound  plot. . .  .Letter  to  Miss 
Stnythe — letter  to  Miss  Brown's  papa "What  luck?". . .  .Catas- 
trophe properly  deferred  by  a  Composition  on  Hunting 

Letter — and  something  else "I  told  you  so  "  A  difficulty  and 

a  promise  390 

FIFTH  YEAR. 

CHAPTER    L. 

Clarence  versus  the  Commonwealth A   march   and   other  patent 

things. . .  .Fortunate  times !. . .  .Letter  from  Clarence  to  the  author 

— recommended  to  trustees  of  levelling  schools Reminiscences 

of  Clarence's  Lectures Foreign Amazing  utility  of  colleges 

and  churches ! Take  care,  pedagogue !  A  star  in  the  ascendant 

mistake  in  the  nature  of  the  Vox Squally Tom-cat 

Haw-Buck Carlton's  head-quarters — why Condensation  and 

filtration  of  talks  and  dialogues Ned  Stanley  introduced  in.  a 

"bust,"     < 397 

CHAPTER    LI. 

Arrival  of  the  Major Danger  to  the  State Castle-building  in- 
terrupted ...  .A     monster     seen Large     crescit     eundo A 

procession  through  a  ot  TO\\OI  ....  Dead-calm — speech Trial  in- 
terrupted by  a  "hurra w !" Major  disconcerted A  proposal — 

followed  by  "busf'-'mgs Clarence  makes  a  god  speak — thunder 

on  the  proper  quarter Mr.  Liebug A  question  and  answer 

"Huh!  haw," Talk,  between  Ned  and  Carlton Ned  in 

parlour Consequence  of  administering  patent  twaddle  in  edu- 
cating  Mr.  Brass,  Sen.,  and  Prof.  Harwood — how  settled 

Quietude    406 

CHAPTER  LII. 

Exhibition Mr.    C.   busy Fixings Loss   on   shoes. ..  .Signals 

Orchestral Blaze Exclamations ! Cow-bell   shaken — 

inaudible  fiddles Primo Secundo Triangle Speech 

interrupted — exhibition  goes  on Contrast  in  seven  particulars 

between  young  men  and  young  gentlemen,  with  threat  of  farther 

infliction Two  young  men Fixed  and  wandering  stars 

A  heavy  bet  on  one  side 415 

CHAPTER    LIII. 

How  to  spend  a  vacation  in  the  Purchase An  abstract  embodied 

and  seen  marching  by  the  author !...  .Grand  party  to  explore  a 

cave — invitations — ready — starting — dignity    let    down Solemn 

advice  to  persons,  made  up  nicely  by  milliners  and  other  artists 

Things  growing  bigger,  and  why.... Mrs.  Hunter's  directions 

Found Domore's      report Refusals Why       Polly 

wouldn't,  although  Peggy  would Backing  one  another  before 

the   rest What  was  not  seen Squall  prevented. . .  ."Hark ! 


CONTENTS  xxxi 

what's  that?". ..  .Going  down  deeper,  and  coming  back  quicker 

Retreat Dpmore's      policy — his     apology What     came 

down — quick  writing What  retarded  civilization  a  whole  year.  428 

CHAPTER    LIV. 

Learning  to  spell  441 

CHAPTER    LV. 

Married  at  last Incipient  refinement — consequences. . .  .Grand  affair 

determined  on — why — how — effect The  time — room — company 

—misgivings "Shiver- ree" Inside  versus  Outside Per- 
formers— human,  inhuman,  and  superhuman Something 

squealy  in  a  parlor True  hog  superior  to  all  others. ..  .Piggy- 
back  Scalp  taken Danger — "knock  'em  down !" Rescue 

Difference  between  Hoosier-mobs  and  scum-mobs Orpheus  442 

SIXTH  YEAR 

CHAPTER    LVI. 

How  to  oversee White  crow A  committee A  party Curi- 
ous cloud — sneer  away ! . . .  .Horseback. . . . Churches. . .  .Council 
of  Nice Another  party The  Great-North-American-Re- 
publican-Horsefly ! Mrs.  Troll  ope  wanted Scene — sticking 

on — sticking  to  it — wading  out. . . .  Alone. . . . Dreams. . . . Set  over 
.  . .  .Wilderness. . .  .Dialogues  with  Kate Mrs.  King Some- 
thing nice  to  eat Off  again Lost-like Praise 451 

CHAPTER     LVII. 

A  petition What  Ned  and  Domore  did Insidias  Cutswell,  Esq., 

ad   hoosierandum    463 

CHAPTER    LVIII. 

Wild  pigeons Ned's  opinion  of  shot-guns They  make  their  own 

shot Accidents. . .  .Alarm  and  excitement A  question  evaded 

A  bag  and  string Puzzled Enlightened Belittled 

Dialogues,  and  execration  of  shot-guns Melancholy 466 

CHAPTER    LDC 

The  King  of  Terror. . .  .The  dying  one The  two  coffin^, Funeral 

train Reader !    475 

SEVENTH  YEAR. 

CHAPTER    LX. 

Something  new  and  prodigious ! Mystic  letters — branding Hard 

riding — blotted — puff  s!«— (nervous) — a  conversation Suspi- 
cious  Resolved  on  a  believing  spirit Leaky Faces  and 

consciences Cow-bells — crotch  of  a  tree — cows  and  procession 

.... Episodial  about  biggest  college Lights — omens. . . . Dreams 

not  accounted  for  477 

CHAPTER   LXI. 

Particular   introduction History   and  character Story  about  a 

t  donkey. . .  jHow  to  roll  up  and  down  at  once Fiction  acknowl- 
edged    486 


xxxii  CONTENTS 

CHAPTER    LXII. 

Mystery    defended Conjectures How     to     use     professors 

What  Professor  Spunk  would  have  done (Note) A  letter 

Several  dialogues  and  two  or  three  scenes.... A  resignation.... 
Refreshments  in  the  next  chapter 488 

CHAPTER    LXIII. 

The     Guzzleton     barbecue Preface.  . . .  Description — plateau — table 

seats — arcade — kitchen — curious  iron — artillery — processions — 

flags — music — "the  set-up"  performed Uses  of  a  barbecue,  and 

talks  about  cost Domore  and  others  clenching  rifles A  deep 

sigh 496 

CHAPTER    LXIV. 

Verification Preface   to    thrilling    scenes "Hark — the   bell" 

The  celebrated  Saturday's  show Court  of  appeals  and  repeals 

Speeches,  talks,  and   interruptions Something  excessively 

tender    and    touching Terror — knife     drawn — assassination — 

wrath — big   words — voting — dividing  and  taking   sides Grand 

Jury Ecclesiastical    Court Body    Guard 502 

CONCLUDING  SIX  MONTHS 

CHAPTER    LXV. 

Ha!  I  see!  I  see! Reader  calls  out  three  times Mr.  C.  comes 

back Firm  of  Glenville  &  Carlton. . .  .Some  very  deep  water 

Literary    topics    resumed Board    met Deeply    interest- 
ing  A  long  speech  that  did  nothing,  and  a  short  one  that  did 

all  things Polyphemus  and  his  two  meals Curtain  falls 511 

CHAPTER    LXVI. 

Farewells A  church   full A  house  empty A  rainy  morning 

Domore  and  Ned *****  Pinnacle  of  a  mountain.... 

Soliloquy *  *  *  A    lesson    519 


MAP  OF  NEW  PURCHASE  1818 


THE  NEW  PURCHASE. 


CHAPTER  I. 
THE  JOURNEY. 
"Westward,  ho!" 

THE  ordinary  causes  of  seeking  new  homes  in  the  West  are 
well  known.  There,  it  is  sometimes  expected,  a  broken  fortune 
may  be  repaired,  or  one  here  too  narrow,  become,  by  change  of 
circumstances,  ample  enough  for  a  growing  family,  or  a  larger 
ambition.  Indolence  leads  some  thither,  a  distaste  of  conventional 
trammels  others ;  while  not  a  few  hope  to  find  a  theatre,  where 
small  talents  and  learning  may  figure  to  better  advantage. 

But  some  are  led  away  to  the  West  by  poetical  inducements. 
To  persons  of  tender  sensibilities  and  ardent  enthusiasm,  that  is 
a  land  of  beautiful  visions ;  and  its  gorgeous  clouds,  like  drapery 
around  the  golden  sunsets,  are  a  curtain  veiling  other  and  more 
distant  glories.  Such  persons  are  not  insensible  to  worldly  ad- 
vantages, yet  they  abandon  not  the  East  from  the  love  of  gain. 
They  are  rather  evoked  and  charmed  away  by  a  potent,  if  an 
imaginary  spirit,  resident  in  that  world  of  hoary  wilds.  From 
the  prairie  spreading  its  grassy  and  flowery  plains  to  meet  the  dim 
horizon,  from  the  river  rolling  a  flood  across  half  a  continent,  from 
the  forest  dark  and  venerable  with  the  growth  of  many  cen- 
turies, come,  with  every  passing  cloud  and  wind,  the  words 
of  resistless  invitation ;  till  the  enchanted,  concealing  the  true 
causes,  or  pretending  others,  depart  for  the  West.  They  are 
weary  of  a  prosaic  life;  they  go  to  find  a  poetic  one. 

To  much  of  this  day-dreaming  spirit  is  the  world  indebted  for 
the  author's  sojourn  of  seven  and  a  half  years  in  a  part  of  what 
was,  at  the  time  of  this  journey,  the  FAR  WEST.  In  early  boyhood, 


2  THE  JOURNEY 

Mr.  Carlton  was  no  ordinary  dreamer :  nay,  in  the  sunshine,  as  by 
moonlight,  shadows  of  branching  antlers  and  flint-headed  arrows 
caused  many  a  darkness  in  his  path,  as  visionary  deer  bounded 
away  before  the  visionary  hunter.  At  school  a  boy  of  kindred 
soul  occupied  the  adjacent  seat;  and  this  boy's  father  had  left 
him,  as  was  then  believed,  countless  acres  of  rough  mountains 
and  woods  undesecrated  by  civilized  feet.  How  far  away  this 
sylvan  territory  may  have  been,  was  never  asked,  but  it  was  near 
enough  and  easy  of  access  to  day-dreamers ;  for  we  had  actually 
devised  a  plan  to  steal  off  secretly  at  some  favourable  moment  and 
find  a  joyous  life  in  that  forest  elysium.  Before  the  external  eye 
lay,  indeed,  Dilworth,  his  columns  of  spelling  in  dreadful  array  of 
single,  double,  and  treble  files,  surrounded  by  dog-ears  curling  up 
from  the  four  corners  of  the  dirt-stained  page ;  but  the  inner  eye 
saw  them  not.  And  if  our  lips  moved,  it  was  not  to  call  over  the 
names  of  the  detested  words,  no,  it  was  in  mysterious  whispers: — 
we  were  wrapt  in  a  vision,  and  talked  of  bark  huts  and  bows  and 
arrows — ay,  we  were  setting  dead- falls  and  snares,  and  arranging 
the  most  feasible  plans  for  the  woods  and  the  mountains. 

Such  talks  would,  indeed,  begin,  and  for  a  while,  continue  so 
like  the  inarticulate  buzz  and  hum  of  an  old-fashioned  school-boy 
"getting  by  heart,"  as  to  awaken  no  suspicion  in  Master  Strap. 
As  enthusiasm,  however,  kindled,  tones  became  better  defined 
and  words  more  and  more  articulate.  Then  ensued,  first  a  very 
ominous  and  death-like  stillness  in  all  parts  of  the  school-room 
except  ours,  and  then — the  sudde"h  touch  of  a  wand  came  that 
broke  a  deep  spell,  and  alas !  alas !  awoke  us  to  our  spelling !  Poor 
children!  we  cried  then  for  pain  and  disappointment!  The  hour 
came  when  we  shed  more  bitter  tears  at  sorer  disappointments, 
and  in  a  severer  school!  Even  as  I  write  there  is  a  thrill  of 
boyhood  in  my  soul,  and  in  despite  of  philosophy  tears  are 
trembling  in  my  eyes ; — as  if  the  man  wept  for  the  crushed  hopes 
of  the  boy! 

Experience  may  curb  our  yearning  towards  the  earth,  yet  even 
amidst  the  longings  after  immortality  and  the  things  that  eye  hath 
not  seen,  there  do  remain  hungerings  and  thirstings  after  a  possi- 
ble and  more  perfect  mundane  state.  At  the  dawn,  therefore,  of 
manhood  Mr.  Carlton  still  hoped  to  meet  in  the  Far  West  visions 


THE  JOURNEY  3 

embodied  although  pictured  now  in  softer  lights  and  graver 
colours.  Shortly,  then,  after  our  marriage  in  the  first  quarter  of 
the  present  century,  after  the  honey-moon,  indeed,  but  still  within 
the  "love  and  cottage"  period,  Mrs.  Carlton  was  persuaded  to 
exchange  the  tasteless  and  crowded  solitude  of  Philadelphia  for 
the  entrancing  and  real  loneliness  of  the  wilds,  and  the  promenade 
of  dead  brick  for  the  living  carpet  of  the  natural  meadow. 

Having  no  immoveables,  and  our  moveables  being  easily  trans- 
muted into  baggage,  preparation  was  speedily  made;  and  then 
hands  were  grasped  and  cheeks  kissed,  alas!  for  a  long  adieu: — 
for  when  we  returned  with  sober  views  and  chastened  spirits, 
these,  our  first  and  best  loved  friends,  were  sought,  but  "they 
were  not." 


CHAPTER  II. 
"Who  goes  there? A  friend." 

FROM  Philadelphia  to  Pittsburgh  was  formerly  a  journey  of 
days.  Hence,  to  avoid  travelling  on  the  Sabbath  it  was  arranged 
by  us  to  set  out  at  three  o'clock  A.  M.,  on  Monday.  A  portert 
however,  of  the  stage-office  aroused  us  at  one  o'clock;  when, 
hurrying  on  our  garments,  we  were  speedily  following  our  baggage 
trundled  by  the  man,  in  that  most  capacious  of  one-wheeled  car- 
riages— an  antiquated  wheel-barrow. 

Arrived  at  the  office,  then  kept  by  the  Tomlinsons,  the  agent 
affected  to  consider  me  and  my  wife  as  only  one  person,  and 
hence  while  I  paid  for  two  seats,  he  forced  me  to  pay  for  all 
my  wife's  baggage  as  extra; — an  imposition  only  submitted  to, 
because  in  running  my  eye  over  the  names  booked  as  passengers, 
while  the  vexatious  record  of  the  baggage  was  making,  travelling 
associates  were  seen  written  there  who  were  too  delightful  to  be 
lost  for  a  trifle.  These  names  were  Colonel  Wilmar  of  Kentucky 
and  his  cousin,  Miss  Wilmar,  of  Philadelphia.  In  addition  were 
three  strange  names  booked  for  Pittsburgh,  a  Mr.  Smith  and  a 
Mr.  Brown,  and  also  a  name  hardly  legible,  but  which,  if  I  had 


4  THE  JOURNEY 

decyphered  correctly,  seemed  very  like  Clarence — strange,  indeed, 
and  yet  familiar; — surely  it  had  been  known  to  me  once — Clar- 
ence ? — who  could  it  be  ? 

None  of  these  persons  had  yet  reached  the  office  (the  stage, 
however,  being  ready  and  waiting  only  their  arrival),  and  when 
they  did  come,  owing  to  the  dim  light  of  the  room  and  the  bustle 
of  an  immediate  movement  towards  the  stage,  countenances  could 
not  be  distinguished ;  and  even  the  Wilmars  could  not  have  been 
recognised  without  the  premonition  of  the  way-bill. 

The  stages  of  that  day  wore  no  boots.  In  place  of  that  leathern 
convenience,  was  a  cross-barred  ornament  projecting  in  the  rear 
to  receive  the  baggage  or  at  least  half  of  it.  This  receptacle  was 
called  the  "Rack."  Perhaps  from  its  wonderful  adaptation  for 
the  utter  demolition  of  what  it  received,  it  was  originally  named 
"Wrack;"  and  this  word,  in  passing  through  the  ordeal  of  vulgar 
pronunciation,  where  it  was  called  first  "Wreck,"  having  lost  its 
"W,"  remained  what  indeed  it  so  much  resembled — the  Rack. 
In  binding  Mrs.  Carlton's  trunk  to  this  curious  engine,  the  porter 
broke  the  rope,  and  her  trunk  falling  down,  the  articles  within,  in 
spite  of  an  old  lock  and  a  rotten  strap,  burst  from  their  confine- 
ment and  were  scattered  over  the  street.  The  porter  was  very 
prompt  in  his  aid  in  gathering  the  articles  and  securing  the  lid, 
and  as  some  compensation  for  his  blunder  and  its  consequences,  he 
refused  the  usual  fee  of  the  wheel-barrow  service.  Of  course  he 
received  now  thanks  for  generosity  instead  of  rebukes  for  negli- 
gence: but  on  inspecting  afterwards  our  trunk,  the  absence  of  a 
purse  containing  seven  dollars  and  of  a  silver  cup  worth  twice  as 
much,  awakened  suspicions  of  less  honourable  cause  for  the 
porter's  conduct. 

Here  then  were,  at  the  outset,  extortion  and  theft,  and  felt, 
too,  as  evils;  but  there  was  present  a  believing  spirit  mingling 
sweetness  with  the  wormwood.  Ay !  were  we  not  actually  on  our 
way  to  the  land  of  vision !  Surely  no  such  baseness  is  there !  The 
sanctity  of  that  Far  West  is  inviolate ! 

Inside,  our  stage  was  most  judiciously  filled  with  three  tiers. 
The  lower  tier  was  composed  of  saddle-bags,  valises,  small  trunks 
and  carpet-bags ;  the  second,  of  human  beings  supported  upright 
by  an  equal  squeeze  on  all  sides ;  and  then,  on  the  condensed  laps 


THE  JOURNEY  5 

of  the  living  tier,  rested  the  third  tier,  made  up  of  extra  cloaks, 
some  band-boxes  and  work-baskets,  several  spare  hats  in  paste- 
board cases,  half  a  dozen  canes  and  umbrellas,  and  one  fowling- 
piece  done  up  in  green  baize.  Notwithstanding  the  great  felicity 
of  this  arrangement,  the  inquietude  of  the  upper  and  lower  tiers 
when  the  stage  first  started,  occasioned  in  the  sentient  tier  some 
inarticulate  growling  and  a  little  half-smothered  cursing;  which 
crusty  symptoms,  however,  presently  yielded  to  a  good-natured 
laugh  at  the  perseverance  with  which  Mr.  Brown  remained  on  a 
French  gentleman's  foot,  through  a  misapprehension  of  a  very 
polite  and  indirect  request  not  to  stand  there — a  laugh  in  which 
the  parties  themselves  joined. 

Our  driver  had,  at  the  office,  seated  between  two  way-passengers 
with  the  curtain  behind  them  dropped,  given  the  signal,  when 
away  dashed  the  horses;  and  then  commenced  the  incon- 
siderate restlessness  of  the  internal  baggage  and  the  ill-concealed 
surliness  of  the  passengers.  But  at  the  end  of  a  few  squares  the 
stage  suddenly  stopped  at  a  hotel,  when  the  door  of  the  vehicle 
being  instantly  opened,  the  space  was  filled  with  the  head  and 
shoulders  of  Mr.  Brown,  who  began  as  follows : — 

"Ladies  and  gentlemen,  you  seem  to  be  full  in  here,  I  suppose 
it  is  no  use  to  be  looking  for  my  seat  in  the  dark — " 

"Sare" — responded,  evidently  by  the  accent,  a  Frenchman,  and 
in  a  most  complaisant  and  supplicatory  tone — "Sare,  do  not  you 
know  my  foote  is  under  yours  ? 

"No,  sir," — replied  Mr.  Brown  standing  up  as  well  as  he  could 
in  the  stage,  and  feeling  about  for  some  space. 

"Sare,  do  not  you  know  my  foote  is  under  yours?" — voice 
higher  and  quicker. 

"No,  sir,  I  don't"— surprised,  but  not  budging. 

"Sare,  do  you  not  know  my  foote  is  under  yours?" — on  the 
octave,  and  getting  higher  and  more  emphatic. 

"O !  I  beg  your  pardon,  sir, — do  you  mane  I'm  raelly  treading 
on  your  fut?" — without,  however,  moving  off,  but  generously 
waiting  for  information. 

"Yes!  sare!  I  do!" 

"Oh !  I  beg  pardon,  sir — raelly  I  thought  I  was  standing  on  a 
carpet-bag" — when,  satisfied  he  was  wrong  in  his  conjecture,  and 


6  THE  JOURNEY 

that  it  was  "raelly  the  fut,"  Mr.  Brown  instantly  removed  the 
aggravating  pressure. 

Our  friends  thus  introduced  by  the  "foote"  and  the  "fut"  as 
the  gentleman  from  France  and  the  gentleman  from  Ireland  were 
welcomed  by  no  inaudible  laughter,  in  which  they  also  participated, 
while  at  the  moment  the  door  was  violently  slammed,  and  that 
instantly  followed  by  a  startling  crack  of  the  impatient  whip. 
This  was  of  great  advantage  to  Mr.  Brown,  as  it  helped  him  to  a 
seat  somewhere;  although  from  some  peevish  expressions,  he 
must  have  alighted  on  other  quarters  as  well  as  his  own.  All 
outcries  and  growlings,  however,  occasioned  by  hats  and  bonnets 
innocently  dashed  into  neighbouring  faces,  or  by  small  trunks 
unable  to  keep  their  gravity,  and  elastic  sticks  and  umbrellas  that 
rubbed  angrily  against  tender  ancles  or  poked  smartly  into  de- 
fenceless backs,  all  were  drowned  in  the  rattling  thunder  of  the 
rolling  wheels ;  and  the  tiers,  rather  loosely  packed  at  first,  were 
soon,  by  the  ferocious  and  determined  jerking  and  plunging  of 
the  vehicle,  shaken  into  one  compact  quiescent  and  democratical 
mass. 

Unsuccessful  attempts  then  came  to  sustain  a  general  talk  on  the 
weather,  the  time  of  reaching  the  breakfast,  the  hour  of  the  night, 
and  the  like  novel  and  interesting  topics ;  the  questions  being  com- 
monly put,  and  the  replies  hazarded  by  six  or  eight  voices  together, 
and  in  as  many  intervals  of  pitch,  from  the  grumbled  bass  to  the 
most  tremulous  and  piteous  treble.  To  these  succeeded  equally 
abortive  efforts  to  sustain  duos  and  trios,  till  the  whole  perform- 
ance of  the  talk  remained  a  solo.  This  performer,  when  day 
peeped  in  upon  us,  proved  to  be  a  middle-aged  and  corpulent  lady, 
who  sang  out  in  a  very  peculiar  and  most  penetrating  tone ;  herself 
both  asking  and  answering,  often  categorically,  but  for  the  most 
part  in  the  "guess  and  may  be"  style  of  recitative.  Encouraged 
by  the  silence  of  the  company,  the  lady  at  length  in  the  same  lofty 
strains  sang  out  portions  of  her  own  history,  introducing  the 
pleasing  variations  of  "may-be-it-would"  and  "may-be-it-wouldn't" 
— "I  guessed  and  he  guessed" — and  "says  and  says  he,"  &c.  The 
burden,  however,  of  the  piece  was  this: — it  was  her  first  trip  to 
the  city,  although  from  a  little  girl  she  had  lived  within  thirty 
miles — but  her  mother  could  never  spare  her — and  when  she 


THE  JOURNEY  7 

married  Jacob,  her  and  him  could  never  leave  home  together,  and 
Jacob,  he  would  never  let  her  go  alone  by  herself,  being  "right 
down  sarten  she'd  never  come  back  again  alive  or  without  some 
of  her  bones  broken." 

Soon,  however,  we  began  to  go  "slowly  and  sadly"  over  the 
Schuylkill  bridge,  when  something  not  unlike  snoring  admonished 
the  lady  of  our  seeming  inattention  and  her  musical  narrative  sud- 
denly ceased,  like  the  sudden  holding  up  of  a  hard  rain ;  and  then 
all  were  quickly  either  practising  sleep  at  random,  or  with  troubled 
thoughts  wandering  to  the  absent  or  indulging  fitful  dreams  of 
the  future. 

Morning  revealed  by  degrees  the  incumbents,  and  in  very  im- 
posing attitudes.  For  instance,  there  was  the  Frenchman, — his 
head  on  the  Irishman's  shoulder,  and  keeping  pretty  tolerable  time 
to  the  music  of  the  jolting  carriage;  while  the  Irishman  revived 
now  and  then  by  a  desperate  lurch  extra,  as  in  atonement  for  his 
fault,  made  no  attempt  to  be  rid  of  his  burden,  but  slowly  closing 
his  eyes,  nodded  away  with  his  own  head  in  the  direction  of  our 
solo.  But  all  noddings  in  this  book  will  be  indulged  by  the  classic 
reader,  who  knows  well  enough : 

"Aliquando  bonus  dormitat  Homerus." 

"The  excellent  'Homer  takes  a  nap  now  and  then." 

Fronting  myself  was  a  person  with  hands  holding  to  a  strap 
pendent  from  the  roof,  his  head  inclined  towards  his  breast,  and 
his  hat  fallen  off,  but  intercepted  by  Col.  Wilmar,  his  sleeping 
neighbour.  This  stranger,  on  several  elevations  01  his  head,  pre- 
sented a  countenance  that  set  me  to  recalling  past  scenes  and  as- 
sociates, and  I  was  in  a  fair  way  of  making  some  discovery,  when 
all  were  fiercely  jerked  into  wakefulness  by  a  most  unnatural 
and  savage  plunge  of  the  stage,  followed  on  the  instant,  like 
severe  lightning,  by  an  explosion;  the  tiers  becoming  all  vocal 
with  "bless  my  soul's" — "my  goodnesses !" — and  vulgar  "ouches !" 
Above  all,  however,  sounded  this  pathetic  remonstrance  in  our 
talking  lady's  inimitable  style: — "La!  Mister!  if  you  aint  nodded 
agin  this  here  right  bran  new  bonnit  of  mine,  till  I  vow  if  it 
aint  as  good  as  spiled!"  To  this  no  reply  was  permitted  as  the 
horses  suddenly  halted,  and  a  venerable  and  decent  landlord  hav- 


8  THE  JOURNEY 

ing  opened  the  door  of  the  carriage,  requested  us  to  alight,  adding 
that  "the  stage  breakfasts  here." 

The  live  stock  accordingly  was  unpacked  and  extricated  from 
the  dead,  no  important  damage  being  visible,  except  in  "the  bran 
new  bonnit;"  and  sure  enough  it  was  curiously  sloped  contrary 
to  nature,  with  an  irregular  concave  in  the  front  and  suitable 
enlargements  sideways.  Sceptics  like  Hume  would  doubtless  have 
raised  a  query,  if  the  width  was  entirely  owing  to  the  noddings 
of  the  Irish  gentleman,  or  the  very  ample  rotundity  of  the  cherry- 
cheeked  and  good-humoured  face  expanded  within  the  bonnet; 
but  Mr.  Brown  himself  at  once  admitted  his  inconsiderate  butting 
as  the  cause,  and  with  every  appearance  of  concern  he  busied 
himself  with  assisting  the  matron  to  alight  and  looking  after 
her  baskets  and  boxes.  This  so  won  on  her,  that  when  at  the 
first  opportunity  Mr.  Brown  attempted  an  apology  and  condolence, 
he  was  interrupted  by  her  saying — "Oh!  never  mind  it,  Mister, 
it  aint  no  odds  no  how,  and  I  guess  we  can  soon  fix  it." 

During  our  ablutions  I  caught  the  eye  of  the  young  stranger 
already  named,  fixed  with  an  inquiring  look  on  my  face ;  and  then 
we  both,  towel  in  hand,  gradually  advanced,  yet  embarrassed  and 
hesitating  as  if  both  recollected  the  incident,  "you  thought  it  was 
me  and  I  thought  it  was  you,  and  faith  its  nather  of  us,"  till,  ar- 
rived at  proper  distance,  he  extended  his  hand  and  hazarded  the 
affirmative  inquiry: 

"If  I  mistake  not  this  is  Robert  Carlton !" 

My  reply  showed  it  was  each  of  us : 

"Clarence!  Charles  Clarence! — is  it  possible! — is  this  you!" 

Reader,  this  Charles  Clarence  was  the  identical  boy  of  the 
adjacent  seat,  whose  enthusiasm  for  bark  cabins  and  forest  life, 
like  my  own,  had  beguiled  us  of  many  a  hateful  lesson,  and  gained 
for  us  many  a  smart  application  of  birch  and  leather  in  parts 
left  defenceless  by  scant  patterns  of  primitive  roundabouts 

Shortly  after  this,  in  the  parlour  of  the  Warren  tavern,  a 
general  introduction  took  place  among  the  Pittsburgh  travellers: 
viz.  Mr.  Brown,  Mr.  Smith,  Col.  Wilmar  and  Miss  Wilmar,  Mr. 
Clarence  and  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Carlton ;  who  all,  in  due  season,  shall 
be  more  particularly  introduced  to  our  readers,  as  the  Party.  At 
present  we  must  obey  the  signal  for  breakfast;  that  meal  being 


THE  JOURNEY  9 

really  prepared  for  the  passengers,  although,  by  metonomy,  it 
was  in  old  times  said  to  be  for  the  stage. 


CHAPTER    III. 


"Hominem  pagina  nostra  sapit.".. 
"Our  page  describes  some  gentlemen.' 


WHEN  summoned  to  the  stage  by  the  driver's  horn,  it  seemed 
we  had  lost  some  way-passengers,  room  being  thus  obtained  for 
the  lady  of  the  bonnet;  who,  however,  appeared  wearing  the  old 
article,  having,  with  a  corrected  judgment,  consigned  the  damaged 
one  to  the  band-box.  So,  also,  greater  space  was  found  for  the 
French  gentleman's  foot,  who  had,  from  apprehension  of  cold 
or  from  gout,  so  encased  his  pedalic  appendages  in  socks  of 
carpet-stuff  as  to  lead  a  careless  observer,  even  by  day-light,  to 
mistake  his  feet  for  two  of  the  many  travelling  bags  on  the  floor. 
Opportunity  also  was  afforded  now  of  a  more  judicious  disposal 
of  various  rubbing,  poking  and  punching  articles,  so  that,  aided 
by  a  good  breakfast  and  a  morning  cold  but  bright,  we  were  soon 
engaged  in  a 'conversation,  general,  easy,  and  animated. 

And  now  we  may  properly  proceed  to  introduce  the  gentlemen 
of  the  party.  Please  then,  reader,  notice  first  that  pleasant-looking 
personage  bowing  so  profoundly,  and  evidently  r.nxious  to  win 
your  favour.  That  is — hem! — that  is  Robert  Carlton,  Esq.  He 
takes  the  opportunity  of  soliciting  your  company  not  only  for 
the  journey  but — all  the  way  through  his  two  volumes.  He  would 
also  say,  it  is  his  purpose  to  imitate  Julius  Caesar  occasionally,  and 
use  the  third  instead  of  the  first  person  singular,  and  to  adopt  now 
and  then,  too,  the  regal  style,  in  employing  nominative  we,  pos- 
sessive our  or  ours,  objective  MS.  These  imitations,  it  is  supposed, 
will  give  a  very  pleasing  variety  to  the  book,  enable  the  author  to 
utter  complimentary  things  about  Mr.  Carlton  and  his  lady  with 
greater  freedom,  and  not  run  so  hard  upon  capital  I's,  or,  in 
technical  phrase,  not  exhaust  the  printer's  sorts. 


io  THE  JOURNEY 

This  next  gentleman  is  my  friend  Mr.  Smith.  Like  so  many  of 
the  name,  he  was  in  all  respects  a  worthy  man,  and  honoured,  at 
the  time,  with  a  high  station  in  the  magistracy  of  Pittsburgh.  Our 
party  shared  his  liberal  hospitality  there,  and  since  that  hour 
we  have  been  quite  partial  in  our  regard  of  the  Smiths,  and  their 
relatives  the  Smythes.  Happy  partiality  this ;  for  if  all  classed  and 
sorted  under  that  grand-common-proper-noun  take  a  correspond- 
ing liking  for  our  author,  where  will  be  the  limit  to  the  number  of 
copies  and  editions? 

Ladies  and  gentlemen,  this  is  Mr.  Brown.  He  was  an  Irish 
gentleman,  had  travelled  extensively  in  Europe,  and  had  the 
manners  of  the  best  society.  At  present  he  was  at  the  commence- 
ment of  a  tour,  to  be  extended  over  most  of  the  United  States. 
Among  his  oddities,  not  the  least  was  his  odd  person,  entitling  him 
to  Noah  Webster's  word,  lengthy, — he  appearing  alternately  all 
body,  when  one  looked  up,  and  all  legs  when  one  looked  down : — 
a  peculiarity  I  am  led  the  more  to  notice,  as  I  found  his  elonga- 
tion very  unfavourable  to  skiff  navigation  afterwards  on  the 
Ohio  river;  and  indeed  it  put  us  in  jeopardy,  if  not  of  life,  yet  of 
immersion.  In  spite  of  all  his  reading — (Mr.  Boz,  however,  had 
not  then  published  his  American  notes) — Mr.  Brown  was  re- 
markably ignorant  of  our  country,  expressing  unfeigned  surprise 
that  our  road,  only  twenty  miles  from  Philadelphia,  in  place  of 
leading  into  dark  forests  filled  with  wild  beasts  and  naked  savages, 
did  really  run  amid  open  farms  and  smiling  scenery,  abounding 
with  domestic  animals  and  civilized  agriculturalists.  Pittsburgh 
was  his  Ultima  Thule,  beyond  which  he  expected  to  find  no  place, 
or  even  something  worse.  Distinguished,  however,  for  his  agree- 
able manners  and  frank  disposition,  cheerfully  confessing  and 
laughing  at  his  own  mistakes,  he  became  of  course  a  universal 
favourite. 

Col.  Wilmar  was,  however,  my  beau  ideal  of  a  gentleman.  To 
a  manly  beauty  he  had  added  the  qualities  of  good  education  and 
the  grace  of  many  accomplishments.  He  was  courteous,  brave 
and  even  chivalrous ;  his  attention  to  others  resulting  from  benev- 
olence and  not  from  prudence.  Ladies  under  his  care  (and  that, 
from  a  knowledge  of  his  character,  was  often  the  case),  were  re- 
garded by  him  more  as  sisters  having  claims  on  a  brother's  atten- 


THE  JOURNEY  11 

tions,  than  as  strangers  committed  to  his  trust.  With  pleasure 
we  thought  such  a  specimen  of  our  citizens  could  be  contemplated 
by  Mr.  Brown;  and  Mr.  Carlton  rejoiced  that  he  knew  one 
worthy  to  live  in  the  land  of  poetry  and  dreams :  for  the  colonel 
was  an  inhabitant  of  the  West. 

In  the  last  war  with  Great  Britain,  Col.  Wilmar,  then  a  very 
young  man,  commenced  his  military  career  as  a  volunteer,  and 
after  being  actively  engaged  in  many  skirmishes  and  other  war- 
like enterprises,  he  served  finally  as  an  aid  to  Gen.  Winchester  in 
the  disastrous  battle  of  the  river  Raisin.1  Taken  prisoner  he  es- 
caped the  massacre  made  of  his  associates  by  the  Indians,  and 
was  then  marched  to  Fort  Maiden;  whence,  after  a  detention  of 
some  months,  he  was  restored  to  his  home.  Here,  his  military 
feelings  being  yet  dominant,  he  was  soon  honoured  with  an  im- 
portant command  among  the  militia  and  volunteers  of  Kentucky — 
his  native  State. 

When  we  became,  as  a  party,  the  sole  occupants  of  the  stage, 
and,  in  the  ascent  of  the  mountains,  had  opportunities  for  pro- 
longed narratives,  among  other  matters  the  colonel  gave,  at  our 
request,  a  sketch  of  his  military  adventures.  And  one  story  may 
properly  find  a  place  here  by  way  of  episode  in  the  description  of 
my  companions. 

But  hark ! — some  one  hails  our  driver,  and  the  stage  stops. — 

"Law !  bless  my  senses,  if  there  aint  Jacob  in  his  cart  come  out 
for  me  at  the  end  of  our  road !" — was  the  immediate  exclamation 
that  burst  from  our  heroine.  The  unexpected  sight  of  her  hus- 
band and  the  thoughts  of  home  (where  we  learned  she  expected 
to  see  "little  Peggy"),  were  too  powerful  for  the  prudent  resolves 
or  secret  awe  that  had,  for  the  last  hour,  kept  our  dame  silent ;  and 
out  rushed  nature's  feelings  as  above  described.  Nor  did  the 
torrent  exhaust  itself  at  one  gushing — it  paused  and  then 
continued : 

"I  vow  I  thought  he'd  a  met  one  at  the  tavern  in  Dowington — 

1  In  Michigan  just  north  of  Toledo,  Ohio.  On  Jan.  22,  1813,  the  British 
General  Proctor,  commanding  1,000  whites  and  Indians,  defeated  the 
Americans  under  General  Winchester.  The  500  American  prisoners,  left 
without  a  sufficient  guard,  were  massacred  by  the  Indians.  "Remember 
the  Raisin"  became  the  battle  cry  of  the  western  frontiersmen.  Ft. 
Maiden  is  in  Canada  across  the  Detroit  river  below  Windsor. 


12  THE  JOURNEY 

but  Jacob's  so  monstrous  afeard  of  a  body's  gittin  hurt,  that  he's 
staid  out  here — I  do  wonwer  how  he  left  them  all  at  home  ?" 

In  the  meantime,  Mr.  Brown,  pleased  with  her  self-satisfaction, 
good  nature,  and  forgiving  temper,  had  got  out  and  stood  receiv- 
ing first  the  band-box  containing  the  pummelled  bonnet,  and  then 
aiding  its  owner  to  alight;  for  which  he  received  a  cordial 
"thankee,  sir,"  and  pressing  invitation  to  call  and  see  her  and 
Jacob  if  ever  he  should  be  travelling  that  way  again. 

All  that  could  be  heard  of  the  conjugal  dialogue  was — "Well 
I  vow,  Jacob,  who'd  a  thought  of  seeing  you  at  our  road!" — to 
which  was  answered — "And  so,  Peggy," — the  rest  being  lost  in  the 
renewed  thunder  of  our  wheels.  Jacob  was  evidently  pleased  to 
receive  Peggy  safe;  and  his  calm  quaker-life  dress  and  counte- 
nance seemed  to  look  and  say,  he  was  by  no  means  the  Mercury 
or  chief  speaker  in  the  domestic  circle. 

Return  we  to  our  episode,  Col.  Wilmar's  narrative. 

"Among  our  volunteers  was  a  young  man,  a  tailor  I  believe,  but 
in  all  respects  decidedly  our  best  soldier.  He  was  tall,  well  pro- 
portioned, and  fit  for  any  feat  of  strength  and  dexterity ;  besides, 
he  was  observant  of  every  duty,  and  ready  at  any  time  for  either 
parade  or  battle.  Without  being  myself  a  member  of  the  church, 
I  believe  the  many  excellences  of  his  brave,  benevolent,  and  self- 
sacrificing  spirit  were  owing  mainly  to  religious  principles.  He 
was,  I  know,  a  professor  of  religion. 

"In  one  battle  at  the  Raisin,  he  was  slightly  wounded — a  knowl- 
edge of  which  must  have  led  to  the  tragedy  that  followed  our 
capture.  Turner,  for  that  was  the  soldier's  name,  did,  indeed, 
try  to  conceal  his  wound  from  the  Indians ;  and  I  well  know  it  did 
not  retard  his  progress :  but  unless  our  captors  were  determined 
to  avoid  even  the  possibility  of  any  hinderance,  we  never  could 
conjecture  any  other  plausible  reason  for  what  followed. 

"My  friend  was  in  the  same  division  of  prisoners  with  myself, 
the  assistant  surgeon  and  several  of  our  townsmen ;  and  at  night 
when  we  halted,  Turner  was  seated  near  me  at  the  fire  in  the 
woods,  while  the  Indians  dealt  us  out  a  little  bread  and  beef.  On 
my  left,  and  nearly  opposite  the  poor  fellow,  I  saw,  for  some  time, 
an  Indian  who  kept  his  eye  on  Turner,  with  an  expression  that 


THE  JOURNEY  13 

looked  like  mischief ;  and  then  I  saw  the  savage,  as  if  by  stealth, 
grasp  his  tomahawk  and  move  round  without  any  noise,  till  he 
came  up  immediately  behind  us.  Why,  I  cannot  tell,  but  perhaps 
Turner,  too,  had  noticed  all  this ;  he  sprang,  however,  suddenly  to 
his  feet  and  with  the  most  amazing  activity,  arrested  the  blow 
of  the  weapon  with  his  arm,  receiving  a  deep  gash  in  his  shoulder, 
and  thus  warding  off  the  blow  from  his  head.  And  then,  gentle- 
men, that  wounded  man  darted  upon  that  Indian,  and  actually 
wrested  the  hatchet  from  his  hand,  and  in  the  next  instant  raised 
it  to  aim  a  deadly  blow  at  his  enemy's  head — ay,  gentlemen,  I  saw 
the  hatchet  tremble  in  his  grasp — I  saw,  as  I  think,  the  weapon 
almost  descending  with  its  fatal  stroke — and  yet,  at  that  very 
moment,  it  was  stayed — and  the  next  it  was  thrown  down  upon 
the  ground. 

"For  on  the  instant  our  surgeon,  who  had  noticed  the  Indians 
drawing  their  knives  and  hatchet  for  our  massacre,  cried  out — 
"Turner!  Turner  for  God's  sake,  don't  kill  him!"— And  then, 
Turner,  our  noble,  godlike  comrade,  comprehending  at  a  glance 
our  danger,  looked  up  a  moment,  as  if  in  prayer — flinging,  at  the 
same  time,  the  weapon  on  the  earth.  And  there  he  stood! — his 
arms  calmly  folded  across  his  breast,  and  with  such  a  look  of 
self-devotion  and  Christian  resignation,  until  the  demon-like  sav- 
age having  picked  up  the  hatchet,  approached  his  victim,  and 
buried  it,  with  one  terrific  blow,  deep  in  his  head !" 

A  tear  trembled  in  the  colonel's  eye  as  he  concluded;  and  al- 
though many  years  have  passed  since  I  heard  him  tell  this  story, 
I  am  moved  when  I  think  of  that  godlike  warrioi  so  dying ! — but 
then  the  story  was  better  told. 

Charles  Clarence  my  new  found  friend  was  an  orphan.  His 
parents  both  had  died,  he  being  scarcely  three  years  old,  leaving 
him  however,  heir  nominally  to  large  and  valuable  tracts  of  land. 
But  he  succeeded  to  nothing,  at  last,  more  valuable  than  a  very 
large  mass  of  useless  papers;  unless  we  except  some  trinkets  in- 
dicative of  an  ancient  and  wealthy  family :  and  even  these  the  sole 
mementos  of  departed  parents  were  sacrificed  to  supply  the  urgent 
necessities  of  Clarence,  when  he  found  himself  a  deserted  boy. 
Some  relatives  did  not  then  know  of  his  existence — and  some 
only  found  it  out  when  he  did  not  need  either  recognition  or  as- 


14  THE  JOURNEY 

sistance.  A  maternal  uncle,  however,  in  the  far  South,  prevented 
by  sudden  death  from  adopting  my  friend  as  a  son,  had  left  him  a 
legacy:  and  from  this  he  had  been  liberally  educated,  with  many 
interruptions,  however,  and  many  distressing  inconveniences, 
owing  to  the  interception  of  his  small  dividends  on  some  occa- 
sions by  dishonest  agents. 

Still  the  apparent  neglect  of  some  relatives,  the  want  of  a 
guardian  and  other  seeming  evils  had  been  of  service  to  Clarence 
in  giving  stamina  to  his  character,  wanting,  naturally,  in  bone  and 
sinew.  Even  the  interruption  of  his  studies  had  led  to  several 
voyages  and  journeys  with  peril  indeed,  to  life  and  health,  but 
with  advantage  to  his  mind  and  manners.  His  fondness,  too,  for 
adventure  was  indulged,  and  he  was  rendered  thus  a  more  in- 
teresting and  instructive  companion  friend.  Sobered,  it  is  true,  by 
disappointment  and  grief,  my  friend  was;  yet  I  found  him  now 
sufficiently  sanguine  and  confident  to  venture  on  enterprises  con- 
sidered praiseworthy,  if  one  succeed,  but  not  so,  if  unsuccessful. 
Indeed  but  lately  had  he  returned  from  a  visit  to  the  Falls  of 
Niagara,  in  which  from  want  of  money,  he  had  been  induced  to 
use  the  vulgar  mare  that  required  only  rest  and  no  oats — in  other 
words,  with  a  knapsack  on  his  back  he  had,  in  company  with  two 
associates,  made  a  tour  of  three  hundred  miles  on  foot.  He  had 
also  travelled  many  thousand  miles  in  various  directions  and  in 
various  capacities,  so  that  he  abounded  in  anecdotes  and  incidents, 
which  he  could  so  relate  as  to  make  himself  a  companion  for  a 
journey  by  no  means  undesirable. 

At  this  very  time  Clarence  was  going  to  Kentucky  on  a  very 
grand  adventure : — he  was  on  his  way  to  be  married.  When  only 
sixteen  years  of  age  he  became  affianced  to  a  maiden,  whose 
family  shortly  after  emigrating  to  the  West,  thus,  for  a  long 
time,  had  separated  the  lovers.  But  now  at  the  end  of  seven 
years,  during  which  the  parties  had  never  met,  Clarence  was 
going  as  he  pretended  to  see  the  family ;  but  in  reality,  reader,  to 
marry  his  sweetheart.  Ladies!  will  you  please  note  this  as  an 
offset  to  instances  of  faithlessness  in  our  sex?  And  were  not 
these  specimens  of  long  cherished  love  and  unbroken  faith 
worthy  the  poetical  land  ? 

But  what  lights  in  the  distance?    Oh!  that  is  Lancaster, 


THE  JOURNEY  15 

and  there  we  eat  supper  and  change  stages:  excuse  me,  then, 
reader,  we  have  no  time  to  introduce  our  ladies. 


Supper  ended,  we  found  a  new  stage,  if  by  new  is  understood 
another,  for  old  enough  it  was  and  a  size  (?)  less  than  our  old 
stage; — which  after  all  was  nearly  a  new  one.  True,  excepting 
monsieur,  we  had  before  stopping  let  out  all  our  way  passengers ; 
but  fortunately  on  attempting  to  get  in  ourselves  now,  we  dis- 
covered enough  new  way  passengers  not  only  to  take  the  seats  of 
the  former  ones,  but  our  seats  also — so  remarkably  accommodat- 
ing were  the  old-fashioned  accommodation  stages  and  stage  own- 
ers! Alas!  for  us  that  night!  that  it  was  before  the  era  of 
caoutchouc  or  gum  elastic ! — stages'  bodies  of  that  could  have  so 
easily  become,  almost  at  will,  a  size  larger  and  a  size  less,  expand- 
ing and  contracting  as  passengers  got  in  or  out!  Oh!  the  cram- 
ming— the  jamming — the  bumping  about  of  that  night!  How  we 
practiced  the  indirect  style  of  discontent  and  cowardice,  in  giving 
it  to  the  intruders  over  the  shoulders  of  stage  owners,  and  agents, 
and  drivers,  and  horses !  And  how  that  crazy,  rattling,  rickety,  old 
machine  rolled  and  pitched  and  flapped  its  curtains  and  walloped 
us  for  the  abuse,  till  we  all  were  quashed,  bruised,  and  mellowed 
into  a  quaking  lump  of  passive,  untalking,  sullen  victims ! 


CHAPTER    IV. 
"Pshaw !" 

DASHED  away  from  the  hotel  the  stage  with  such  vengeance  and 
mischief  in  the  speed  that  the  shops  ran  backward  in  alarm  and 
lights  streamed  mere  ribbons  of  fire,  as  when  urchins  whirl  an  ig- 
nited stick!  Discontent,  therefore,  found  a  present  alleviation 
in  the  belief  that  such  driving,  by  landing  us  in  Harrisburg  speed- 
ily, would  soon  terminate  our  discomforts.  But  the  winged  horses, 
once  beyond  Lancaster,  turned  again  into  hoofy  quadrupeds  mov- 
ing nearly  three  miles  per  hour !  And  then  the  watering  places ! 
— the  warming  places — the  letting  out  places! — the  letting  in 


16  THE  JOURNEY 

places! — the  grog  stations! — and  above  all!  the  post-offices! — 
and  oh !  the  marvellous  multiplication  of  extra  drivers ! — and 
extra  driver's  friends — and  extra  hostlers! — it  was  like  the  sud- 
den increase  of  bugs  that  wait  for  the  darkness  before  they  take 
wing!  And  then  the  flavour  of  the  stable  considerately  tempered 
with  the  smell  of  ginseng  and  apple  whiskey! — both  odours  oc- 
casionally overpowered  by  the  fragrance  of  cigars  bought  six 
for  a  penny. 

At  first,  so  decided  a  growl  arose  from  the  imprisoned  travellers 
whenever  a  cigar  was  lighted,  that  the  smoking  tobacco  was  at 
once  cast  away ;  but  the  rising  of  the  numberless  other  gases,  soon 
taught  us  "of  two  evils  to  bear  the  least,"  and  the  cigars  were 
finally  tolerated  to  the  last  puff. 

And  then  the  talk  on  the  driver's  seat! — how  interesting  and 
refreshing! — For  instance,  the  colloquies  about  Jake!  and  Ike! 
and  Nance!  and  Poll!  The  talk,  too,  first  about  the  horses,  and 
then  the  talk  with  the  horses ;  on  which  latter  occasions  the  four 
legged  people  were  kindly  addressed  by  their  Christian  names 
and  complimented  with  an  encomiastic  flourish  and  cut  of  the 
lash.  To  these  favours  the  answer  was  commonly  an  audible 
and  impatient  swing  of  the  horse  tails;  sometimes,  however,  it 
came  in  form  of  a  sudden  and  malicious,  dislocating  jerk  of  the 
stage;  and  sometimes,  I  am  sorry  to  add,  the  answer  was  alto- 
gether disrespectful,  indicating  an  indulged  and  pampered 
favourite. 

Within  the  den,  the  ominous  pop,  at  irregular  intervals  (but 
not  like  angel's  visits  in  the  number  and  length),  and  the  smell 
of  fresh  brandy,  intimated  dealings  with  evil  spirits,  and  that 
some  carried  bacchanalian  pocket  -pistols — more  fatal  even  and 
much  nastier  than  the  powder  and  bullet  machines  used  in  other 
murders  and  suicides.  Olfactories  were  regaled  also  with  essence 
of  peppermint,  spicy  gingerbread,  and  unctuous  cold  sausage; 
such  and  other  delicacies  being  used  by  different  inmates  to 
beguile  hunger  and  tedium. 

At  length  a  jew  pedlar  with  a  design  of  selling  the  article  as 
well  as  gratifying  a  musical  penchant,  exhibited — not  to  our  eyes, 
it  was  an  Egyptian  night  within — but  to  our  ears,  a  musical  snuff 
box,  if  not  enchanting  yet  certainly  enchanted,  as  it  possessed  the 


THE  JOURNEY  17 

art  of  self-winding,  to  judge  from  the  endless  and  merciless 
repetitions  and  alternations  of  the  Copenhagen  Waltz  and  Yankee 
Doodle.  Its  tinkling,  however,  was  ultimately  drowned  by  a  more 
powerful  musician  on  the  driver's  seat.  His  was  an  extra  driver, 
so  wrought  up  by  the  pedlar's  box,  that  his  feelings  could  be  no 
longer  controlled,  but  suddenly  exploded  with  the  most  startling 
effect  in  the  following  exquisite  lyric  or  ballad.  Perhaps  the 
words  were  not  extempore,  yet  from  the  variations  of  the  won- 
drous hum-drum  fitted  to  them,  and  the  prolongation  and  shorten- 
ing of  notes,  and  a  peculiar  slurry  way  to  bring  in  several  syllables 
to  one  note,  it  may  be  supposed  our  songster  chose  not  to  halt  or 
stump  from  any  defect  of  memory. 

THE  EXTRA-DKJVER'S  SONG. 

"Come  all  ye  young  people,  I'm  going  for  to  sing, 

Concarnin  Moolly  Edwards  and  her  lovyer  Peter  King, 

How  this  young  woman  did  break  her  lovyer's  heart, 

And  when  he  went  and  hung  hisself  how  hern  did  in  her  smart. 

"This  Molly  Edwards  she  did  keep  the  turnpike  gate, 
And  travilyers  allowed  her  the  most  puttiest  in  our  state, 
But  Peter  for  a  'livin  he  did  f oiler  the  drovyer's  life, 
And  Molly  she  did  promise  him  she'd  go  and  be  his  wife. 

"So  Peter  he  to  Molly  goes  as  he  cums  through  the  gate, 
And  says,  says  he,  oh !  Molly,  why  do  you  make  me  wait, 
I'm  done  a  drovin  hossis  and  come  a  courtin  you, 
Why  do  you  sarve  me  so,  as  I'm  your  lovyer  true? 

"Then  Molly  she  toss'd  up  her  nose  and  tuk  the  drovyer's  toll, 
But  Pete  he  goes  and  hangs  hisself  that  night  unto  a  pole, 
And  Molly  said,  says  she,  I  wish  I'd  been  his  wife, 
And  Pete  he  come  and  hanted  her  the  rest  of  all  her  life." 

The  performance,  rapturously  encored  ex  animo  by  the  drivers 
and  some  cognate  spirits  within,  but  mischievously,  it  is  to  be 
feared,  by  Mr.  Carlton,  Col.  Wilmar  and  the  gentlemen  of  the 
party,  was  handsomely  repeated  and  then  succeeded  by  other 
poems  and  tunes  equally  affecting,  but  which  we  shall  not  record. 

So  passed  the  memorable  night,  till  at  long,  very  long  last  we 
reached  the  suburbs  of  Harrisburgh.  Here,  whether  the  horses 
smelled  oats,  or  the  road  was  better,  or  the  driver  would  eradicate 


i8  THE  JOURNEY 

doubts  about  his  team,  expressed  by  us  every  half  mile  lately, 
here  we  commenced  going  not  like  thunder  but  certainly  in 
thunder  and  earthquake,  till  in  a  few  moments  the  carriage  stopped 
at  the  hotel.  And  this  was  where  the  stage  was  to  sleep — but, 
alas!  it  lacked  now  only  one  hour  of  the  time  when  we  must 
proceed  on  our  journey  anew!  The  vehicle,  however,  disgorged 
its  cramming  over  the  pavement;  and  then,  how  all  the  people, 
with  countless  bags,  boxes,  cloaks,  sticks,  umbrellas,  baskets, 
bandboxes,  hatboxes,  valises,  &c.,  &c.,  had  been  or  could  be  again 
stowed  in  that  humming-bird's  nest  of  a  stage,  seemed  to  require 
a  nice  geometrical  calculation.  Pack  the  inhabitants  of  our  globe 
stage-fashion  by  means  of  dishonest  agents  and  greedy  owners, 
and  be  assured,  a  less  number  of  acres  would  serve  for  our  ac- 
commodation than  is  generally  supposed. 

It  was  arranged  now  that  our  two  ladies  should  share  one  bed 
at  25  cents,  and  take  each  i2l/2  cents  worth  of  sleep  in  an  hour, 
the  gentlemen  to  snooze  gratuitously  on  the  settees  in  the  bar 
room;  and  it  is  wonderful  how  much  sleep  can  be  accomplished 
in  a  short  time  if  it  be  done  by  the  job!  Oh!  it  seemed  cruelty 
to  summon  us  from  that  deep  repose  to  renew  the  journey;  yet, 
as  all  our  innumerable  way  passengers  but  one  had  swarmed  off, 
we  had  more  room,  and  so  were  able  to  nurse  the  ladies  during  the 
day  into  some  uneasy  slumbers  and  to  sleep  off  hand  ourselves, 
or  in  other  words,  without  a  rest.  Pshaw ! 


CHAPTER    V. 
"  'Tis  distance  lends  enchantment  to  the  view." 

WE  left  Chambersburgh  in  good  spirits  after  a  comfortable 
night's  rest,  the  sole  occupants  of  the  stage  too;  and  by  a  rare 
chance  we  remained  sole  occupants  during  the  remainder  of  our 
journey.  And  "though  we  say  it  that  shouldn't"  never  was  a 
more  agreeable  party  in  all  respects  than  ours — the  present  com- 
pany, viz.,  the  reader  and  author  excepted.  Among  other 
excellences,  none  of  the  party  chewed  tobacco,  smoked  tobacco, 
spit  tobacco,  drank  alcoholic  liquors,  or  used  profane  language — 


THE  JOURNEY  19 

evils  that  may  be  separated,  but  which  still  are  often  united.  Of 
course  no  one  took  snuff,  all  being  then  greatly  too  young  for 
powdered  tobacco:  that  very  appropriately  belongs  to  "the  sere 
and  yellow  leaf"  time. 

Not  long  after  sun-rise  we  were  at  the  ascent  of  the  grand 
mountain — a  frowning  rampart  shutting  by  its  rocky  wall  from 
the  east  that  world  beyond!  From  the  base  to  the  apex  the 
road  here  ascends  about  four  miles;  which  ascent  the  gentlemen 
resolved  to  walk  up: — a  feat  usually  achieved  at  the  first  moun- 
tain, especially  if  the  first  one  has  ever  seen.  To  be  sure  people 
afterwards  will  walk  when  politely  requested  by  a  good  natured 
driver,  out  of  pity  to  the  poor  brute  horses:  but — (shame  on 
his  poetry  and  romance),  Mr.  Carlton  having  in  subsequent  years 
passed  and  repassed  the  mountains  twenty-four  times,  used  to 
remain  in  the  stage  and  sleep  up  the  ascents !  Yet  not  infrequently 
would  he  be  musing  on  the  past,  and  recalling  with  smiles  and 
tears,  that  delightful  party  and  that  delightful  walk  on  that  sweet 
morning,  and  all  the  glorious  visions  and  castle  buildings  of  that 
entrancing  day! — gone,  gone,  "like  the  baseless  fabric  of  a 
dream !" 

We  soon  left  the  stage  behind  us,  and  sometimes  out  of  sight 
and  hearing.  Then,  under  pretext  of  concern  for  the  ladies,  but 
really  I  fear  to  have  a  pretext  for  resting,  we  called  a  halt,  where 
we  could  sit  on  a  rock  and  blow,  till  the  noise  of  wheels  and  the 
sight  of  a  bonnet  peeping  from  the  stage  gave  us  liberty  to 
proceed ;  or  rather  took  away  the  excuse  for  sitting  still.  At  the 
same  time  the  bonnet  would  disappear,  lest  it  should  be  construed 
as  a  token  of  fear — robbery  in  those  times  not  only  of  solitary 
travellers  but  of  whole  stage  companies  often  happening.  How- 
ever we  had  a  host  in  Col.  Wilmar,  and  even  thought  with  a 
peculiar  thrill  of  the  poetry  of  an  attack  from  bandits ; — although 
when  in  after  years  we  encountered  the  danger  it  was  not  so 
poetical  as  romance  writers  make  it,  but  simply  a  very  disagree- 
able affair  better  to  read  about  than  transact. 

The  time  of  the  present  journey  was  late  in  April,  the  nights 
being  often  very  cold,  but  the  days  only  moderately  cool  and 
sometimes  even  warm.  Snow  was  yet  in  spots  near  the  summit 
of  the  mountains,  although,  in  places  lying  towards  the  south  and 


20  THE  JOURNEY 

east  vegetation  was  in  rapid  progress:  so  that  nothing  could  be 
more  in  unison  with  our  feelings  than  the  renovated  world  amid 
the  Alleghanies.  Hope  was  springing  so  fresh  and  green  from 
the  decayed  hope  of  boyhood !  and  nature  so  budding  forth  from 
the  deadness  of  winter !  but  alas !  if  buds  and  flowers  burst  forth, 
they  die  again  and  soon!  And  renovated  hope  is  renewed  only 
for  blighting. 

We  stood  now  on  the  pinnacle  of  the  great  Cove  mountain 
and  were  gazing  on  the  mingled  grandeur  and  beauty  of  the 
scene.  Few  are  unmoved  by  the  view  from  that  top ;  as  for  my- 
self I  was  ravished.  Was  I  not  on  the  dividing  ridge  between 
two  worlds — the  worn  and  faded  East,  the  new  and  magic  West  ? 
And  yet  I  now  felt  and  painfully  felt,  that  we  were  bidding 
adieu  to  home  and  entering  on  the  untried:  still,  hope  was 
superior  to  fear,  and  I  was  eager  to  pass  those  other  peaks,  some 
near  as  if  they  might  be  touched  and  glorious  with  the  new  sun- 
beams, and  some  sinking  down  away  off  till  the  dim  outline  of  the 
farthest  visible  tops  melted  into  blue  and  hazy  distance!  Years 
after  I  stood  on  that  pinnacle  alone  and  the  two  worlds  were  seen 
again — but  no  hopes  swelled  then  into  visions  of  glory,  at  sight 
of  the  dim  peaks ;  no  consolations  awaited  me  in  my  native  valleys 
of  the  East !  Death  had  made  East  and  West  alike  to  me  a  wilder- 
ness !  Poor  Clarence !  did  he  ever  stand  again,  where  I  noticed 
him  standing  that  morning?  How  buoyant  his  heart!  and  so 
melted  with  tender  thoughts,  so  raptured  with  imaginings !  Could 
it  be? — after  years  of  separation — is  he  now  hastening  to  one 
dearer  to  him  than  the  whole  world  beside !  Will  they  know  one 
another?  Both  have  changed  from  childhood  to  maturity — but 
why  so  speak  ?  Our  lovers  ever  thought  each  the  other  unchanged 
in  size,  in  look,  in  voice;  and  when  they  did  meet  at  last,  they 
shed  tears,  for  while  both  were  in  all  respects  improved,  both 
were  altered,  and  they  were  no  more  to  love  as  boy  and  girl,  but 
as  man  and  woman !  Clarence  saw  no  dark  spectres  in  the  bright 
visions  of  that  morning! 

Upon  Smith,  long  ago  the  scenes  of  that  other  life  opened^ 
and  doubtless  they  were  of  an  undying  glory,  for 

But  here  comes  the  stage  to  hurry  us  onward;  and  so  the 


THE  JOURNEY  21 

bustle  of  life  interrupts  serious  meditations  with  the  whirl  of 
cares  and  enterprises. 

We  were  all  once  more  seated  in  the  vehicle,  which  instantly 
darted  upon  the  descent  with  a  velocity  alarming,  and  yet  ex- 
hilarating to  persons  unusued  to  the  style  of  a  mountain  driver. 
The  danger  is  with  due  care  less,  indeed,  than  the  appearance ;  yet 
the  sight  of  places  where  wagons  and  stages  are  said  to  have 
tumbled  gigantic  somersets  over  miniature  precipices,  will  force 
one  involuntarily  to  say  in  a  supplicatory  tone  to  Jehu, — "Take 
care  driver,  here's  where  that  stage  went  over,  and  poor  Mr. 
Bounce  was  killed!"  To  this  caution  Jehu  replied — "Oh!  no 
danger — besides  he  wan't  killed — he  only  smashed  his  ribs  'gin 
that  rock  there,  and  got  his  arm  broke:"  and  then  to  quiet  our 
fears,  he  sends  forth  his  endless  lash  to  play  a  curve  or  two 
around  the  ears  of  the  prancing  leaders,  and  with  a  pistol-like 
crack  that  kindles  the  fire  of  the  team  to  fury;  and  away  they 
all  bound  making  the  log  crowning  the  rampart  of  wall  tremble 
and  start  from  its  place  as  the  wheels  spin  round  within  eight 
inches  of  the  dreaded  brink. 

Thundering  down  thus,  our  stage  dashed  up  the  small  stones 
as  if  they  leaped  from  a  volcano,  and  awaked  the  echoes  of  the 
grim  rocks  and  the  woody  caverns :  while  ill-stifled  "Oh !  my's  " 
and  a  tendency  of  the  ladies  to  counteract,  by  opposite  motions, 
the  natural  bias  of  the  stage  body  for  the  sideway  declivity,  were 
consoled  with  the  usual  asseverations — "O  don't  be  afraid — no 
danger — no  danger!"  But  when  the  horses,  on  approaching  a 
sudden  turn  of  the  road,  seemed,  in  order  to  secure  a  good  offing, 
to  shy  off  towards  the  deep  valley,  and  nothing  could  be  seen 
over  the  tips  of  their  erect  and  quivering  ears,  save  blue  sky 
and  points  of  tall  trees,  then  the  ladies,  spite  of  rebukes  and  con- 
solations— (and  one  at  least  of  the  gentlemen) — would  stand 
tip-toeish,  labouring,  indeed,  to  keep  a  kind  of  smile  on  the  lips, 
but  with  an  irepressible  "good  gracious — me!"  look  out  of  the 
eyes.  And — 

But  oh!  what  a  beautiful  village  belows  us!  How  neat 

and  regular  the  houses !  See !  there's  one  spun  and  woven — like  a 
Dutch  woman's  petticoat! — yes,  petticoat  is  the  word — only  the 
stripes  of  the  petticoat  do  not  run  horizontally,  and  those  of  the 


22  THE  JOURNEY 

house  do.  I  declare  if  there  are  not  brick  houses!  and  stone 
ones! — and  how  the  smoke  curls  up  to  us — we  can  smell  break- 
fast! What  noiseless  streets!  What  green  meadows!  Do  you 
ever  see  any  thing  so  picture  like — so  like  patchwork!  It  would 
be  so  pleasant  to  live  in  that  nice,  quiet  snug,  picturesque  village ! 
Mr.  Smith,  what  place  is  it?  Mr.  Smith  smiling  replied — 
McConnelstown."  McConnelstown !  oh!  what  a  beauty — there 
it  is  hid — no — there — look  through  there — where  ? — there — ino 
'tis  gone! 

We  soon  had  reached  the  valley  three  miles  below  the  point 
of  descent;  and  as  Jehu  said  it  was  done  at  the  rate  of  twelve 
miles  to  the  hour,  the  reader  being  skilled  in  the  modern  knowl- 
edges, can  calculate  our  time  for  himself.  "There  is  the  town," 
said  Mr.  Smith.  Yes!  there  it  was  sure  enough,  as  it  had  never 
budged  from  its  site  since  we  had  first  spied  it;  but — 

"Quantum  mutatus  ab  illo !" 

"What  a  fall!  was  there!  my  countrymen!" 

Is  that  jumble  of  curious  frame,  brick,  log,  and  stone  habitations 
our  picture-town !  Ay !  truly,  there  is  the  petticoat-house,  with  a 
petticoat  as  a  curtain  before  the  door,  and  an  old  hat  or  so  in 
the  glassless  sash,  and  fire  light  gleaming  between  the  logs.  There ! 
the  door  opens  to  see  us  pass — just  see  the  children — one,  two, 
three — nine  at  least,  and  one  in  very  deed  at  the  breast ! — but  how 
dirty  and  uncombed !  Did  you  ever  see  such  a  set  as  the  scamps 
lounging  about  that  tavern  ? — and  one  reeling  off  drunk,  the  morn- 
ing so  fresh  yet !  See !  that  duck  puddle  and  swine  wallow  full  of 
vile  looking  mud  and  water — certainly  it  must  be  sickly  here, 
"Driver,  what  noise  is  that?"  "Dogs  fighting."  "Dreadful! — Mr. 
Smith  what  are  you  laughing  at?"  "Oh,  nothing — only  I  should 
not  like  to  live  here  as  well  as  some  ladies  and  gentlemen."  And 
yet,  reader,  while  a  near  view  had  dispelled  the  illusion  of  a 
distant  prospect,  good  and  excellent,  and  even  learned  and  talented 
people  lived  there,  and  yet  live  in  McConnelstown. 

At  all  events  we  shall  have  a  good  breakfast  at  this  fine  looking 
stage-house.  But  whether  we  had  arrived  too  soon,  or  the  folks 
usually  began  preparation  after  counting  the  number  of  mouths, 
or  the  wood  was  green  or  we  most  vulgarly  hungry  and  sharp 
set,  very  long  was  it,  very  long  indeed,  before  we  were  sum- 


THE  JOURNEY  23 

moned.  And  then  the  breakfast !  Perhaps  it  was  all  accidental, 
but  the  coffee  (  ?)  was  a  libel  on  a  diluted  soot,  made  by  nurses 
to  cure  a  baby's  colic:  the  tea  (  ?) — for  we  had  representatives  of 
both  beverages — the  tea,  was  a  perfect  imitation  of  a  decoction 
of  clover  hay,  with  which  in  boyhood  we  nursed  the  tender  little 
calves,  prematurely  abstracted  from  the  dams,  the  silly  innocents 
believing  all  the  while  that  the  finger  in  the  mouth  was  a  teat! 
Eggs,  too ! — it  may  have  been  unlike  Chesterfield — but  it  certainly 
was  not  without  hazard  to  put  them  in  the  mouth  before  putting 
them  to  the  nose: — the  oval  delicacies  mostly  remained  this 
morning  to  feast  such  as  prefer  eggs  ripe.  Ay!  but  here  comes  a 
monster  of  a  sausage  coiled  up  like  a  great  greasy  eel !  Such  often 
in  spite  of  being  over-grown  or  over-stuffed  are  yet  palatable: 
this  rascal,  however,  had  rebelled  against  the  cook,  and  salaman- 
der-like, had  passed  the  fiery  ordeal  unscorched.  Hot  rolls  came, 
a  novelty  then,  but  much  like  biscuits  in  parts  of  the  Far  West, 
viz.,  a  composition  of  oak  bark  on  the  outside,  and  hot  putly  with- 
in— the  true  article  for  invalids  and  dyspeptics.  We  had  also 
bread  and  butter,  and  cold  cabbage  and  potatoes,  like  oysters, 
some  fried  and  some  in  the  shell;  and  green  pickles  so  bounti- 
fully supplied  with  salt  as  to  have  refused  vinegar — and  beets — 
and  saltsellars  in  the  shape  of  glass  hats — and  a  mustard  pot  like 
a  salve-box,  with  a  bone  spoon  glued  in  by  a  potent  cement  of  a 
red-brown-yellow  colour — and  a  light-green  bottle  of  vinegar 
dammed  up  by  a  strong  twisted  wadding  of  brown  paper. 

Reader,  what  more  could  we  wish? 

"Nothing." 

Let  us  go  then  to  a  new  chapter. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

"hair-breadth  escapes  in  the  imminent  deadly  breach — " 

"Is  that  a  dagger  that  I  see  before  me?" 

"Fee!  faw!  fum!    I  smell  the  blood  of  an  Englishman!" 

IN  imitation  of  the  ingenious  Greek,  with  his  specimen  brick, 
we  have  given  bits  of  our  roads,  drivers  and  so  forth,  to  stand  for 
the  whole  of  such  matters:  but  as  the  reader,  unless  he  skips, 
must  have  something  to  cheat  him  of  the  tedium  during  the  re- 
maining journey,  we  shall  here  give  parts  of  conversations,  after 
we  had  abandoned  walks  up  mountains  and  dreams  on  their 

summits. 

****** 

"I  shall  never  forget  that  spot,"  said  Col.  Wilmar,  one  day. 

"Why,  Colonel?" 

"I  was  so  near  shooting  a  fellow  we  mistook  for  a  highway- 
man." 

"Indeed!  why  how  was  that?" 

"My  wife,"  proceeded  the  Colonel,  in  answer,  "is  a  native 
of  the  South.  Directly  after  our  marriage,  we  sailed  from  Phila- 
delphia, there  spending  some  weeks  prior  to  our  going  home  to 
Lexington.  When  the  visit  was  over,  having  purchased  a  carriage, 
we  prevailed  on  our  cousin,  the  sister  of  Miss  Wilmar  here,  to  go 
with  us  to  the  West:  and  then  set  out,  the  two  ladies  and  myself, 
with  a  hired  coachman.  I  need  hardly  say  I  then  travelled  with 
weapons,  and  as  we  entered  the  mountainous  country,  a  brace 
of  pistols  was  kept  loaded  usually  in  a  pocket  of  the  carriage. 
Perhaps  I  may  with  propriety  add,  that  we  were  worth  robbing 
and  that  our  travelling  'fixins'  excited  some  interest  along  the 
road — the  fact  is,  I  was  just  married,  and  you  all  know  what 
young  fellows  do  in  the  way  of  extra  then.  Hence  I  do  confess 
I  felt  more  anxiety  than  I  chose  to  exhibit,  and  looked  upon  it  as 
more  than  possible  that  we  might  light  on  disagreeable  company. 

"The  road  was  most  execrable,  except  on  occasional  section 
of  the  turnpike  then  making  and  partially  completed.  We  na- 
turally, therefore,  entered  on  any  chance  section  of  this  new 
road  not  only  in  good  spirits  from  the  exchange,  but  with  a  kind 

24 


THE  JOURNEY  25 

of  confidence  as  to  our  safety: — for  I  believe  one  looks  out  for 
bad  fellows  in  bad  roads  and  places  more  than  in  the  good  ones. 
Well,  just  off  there — you  see  where  that  old  road  ran — that  deep 
narrow  gulley — there  we  emerged  into  a  piece  of  superb  turnpike ; 
or,  in  fact,  we  were  compelled  to  take  it,  an  impediment  being 
manifestly  placed  in  the  old  road  to  turn  travellers  into  the  new : 
— and  as  I  knew  the  turnpike  would  give  out  in  a  mile  or  two, 
I  ordered  the  coachman  to  go  ahead  as  fast  as  possible.  This 
he  did  for  about  half  a  mile,  when  suddenly  a  loud  and  gruff 
voice  called  out — 'Stop !' — which  order  was  obeyed  by  our  coach- 
man in  an  instant. 

"With  a  hand  instinctively  on  a  pistol,  I  looked  out  of  the 
carriage-window, — and  there,  fronting  the  horses  stood  a  stout 
fellow  with  a  formidable  sledge  hammer,  raised,  as  in  the  very 
act  of  knocking  down  a  horse; — while  several  other  rough  chaps 
advanced  towards  us  with  bludgeons  and  axes  from  the  side  of 
the  road! 

"Drawing  the  pistol  from  the  pocket,  as  I  spoke,  I  demanded — 
'What  do  you  mean?' 

"  'A  dollar  for  trav'lin  the  new  road — and  buggur  your  eyes  if 
you'll  git  on  till  you  pay — and  blast  my  soul  if  your  man  tries  it, 
if  I  don't  let  drive  at  a  horse's  head.' 

"To  lean  out — cock  the  pistol,  and  level  straight  at  the  fellow's 
head,  was  the  work  of  a  moment — and  I  then  said — 'Out  of  the 
road,  you  rascal! — only  shake  that  sledge  again,  and  I'll  shoot 
you  dead  on  the  spot.' 

"The  instant  I  spoke  my  wife  threw  an  arm  around  my  neck, 
and  my  cousin  hung  on  my  other  arm,  and  both  screamed  out — 
"Oh.  colonel,  don't  kill  him — oh !  don't " — and  then  to  the  fellow 
—"Oh!  do!  do!  do!  go  away!— he'll  kill  you!— oh!  go!"  "How 
far  the  gang  had  designed  to  proceed,  I  was  then  doubtful — nor 
do  I  know,  if  the  ladies  would  not  have  destroyed  the  accuracy 
of  my  aim — yet,  when  that  fellow  caught  sight  of  the  muzzle 
directed  at  his  head,  and  heard  the  frantic  cries  of  the  ladies, 
he  dropped  the  sledge  hammer  as  if  his  arms  were  paralyzed ;  and 
the  whole  company  suddenly,  but  quickly,  retreating,  our  driver 
went  ahead.  The  ladies  had  interfered  involuntarily  from  instinc- 


26  THE  JOURNEY 

tive  horror  at  seeing  a  sudden  and  violent  death,  and  partly  for 
fear  the  leader's  fall  would  be  the  signal  for  our  massacre— but 
then  I  had  you  know,  the  other  pistol ;  and  beside  I  depended  on 
a  stout  dirk,  worn  under  my  vest,  and  some  little  on  the  alarm  of 
the  gang  and  the  assistance  of  the  driver.  That,  however,  is  the 
adventure." 

"Had  you  made  no  resistance,"  observed  Mr.  Smith,  "you 
would  at  least  have  paid  a  dollar  and  perhaps  have  been  insulted 
with  foul  language:  but  the  fellows  were  not  robbers  in  the 
worst  sense.  A  number  of  workmen,  it  was  said,  had  been  de- 
frauded of  their  wages,  and  to  make  up  the  losses,  they  decoyed 
passengers  into  the  turnpike  and  then  exacted  toll.  Your  affair, 
by  the  way,  colonel,  reminds  me  of  a  narrow  escape  I  once  made 
in  returning  from  New  Orleans " 

"Ay!— what  was  it?" 

"I  had  gone,"  resumed  Mr.  Smith,  "down  the  river  with  a  load 
of  produce,  and  having  turned  both  cargo  and  boat  into  bills  and 
cash,  I  was  obliged  to  venture  back  alone.  Accordingly,  I  bought 
a  fine  horse,  provided  weapons,  and  stowed  my  money  and  a  few 
articles  of  apparel  into  my  saddle-bags,  which  at  night  were  put 
under  my  head  and  made  fast  round  my  person  with  a  strap. 
One  day,  when  I  had  nearly  reached  the  state  of  Tennessee,  I 
found  myself  at  sunset,  by  some  miscalculation  or  wrong  direction, 
about  fifteen  miles  from  the  intended  halting-place,  but  was  pre- 
vented from  camping  out  by  coming  unexpectedly  on  a  two  story 
log-house  lately  built,  and  of  course,  for  a  tavern.  The  landlord 
took  my  saddle-bags  and  led  the  way  into  the  house,  where  a 
couple  of  suspicious-looking  men  were  standing  near  the  fire.  I 
called  for  something  to  eat,  and  pretty  quick  after  supper  I  took 
up  my  plunder,  under  pretence  of  being  very  sleepy,  and  went  up 
to  a  small  room  furnished  with  only  one  bed ;  but  I  did  not  really 
intend  to  go  to  bed,  for  the  conviction  kept  haunting  me,  that 
some  attempt  would  be  made  on  my  property — may  be  on  my  life. 
Of  course,  I  barricaded  the  door  as  well  as  possible,  and,  without 
noise,  examined  my  pistols — and  got  out  my  dirk — and  after  a 
while  blew  out  the  light  and  made  a  noise  as  if  getting  into  bed — 
but  I  only  sat  on  the  edge  and  waited  the  result. 


THE  JOURNEY  27 

"Between  one  and  two  hours  after,  I  heard  other  persons  enter 
the  house  below ;  and  then,  amidst  a  sort  of  premeditated  bustle,  I 
could  plain  enough  distinguish  a  lower  tone,  a  gentler  stepping  up 
and  down,  and  once  or  twice  a  very  cautious  attempt  or  two  to 
open  my  door,  till  at  last  the  landlord  came  up  and  hailed  me — 

"  'Hullow !  stranger  in  thare  ?' 

"  'Well !  hullow ! — what's  wanting? 

"  'Won't  you  take  in  another  traveller  ? — all's  full  but  you.' 

"  'No — there's  only  one  bed  in  here,  and  that's  a  plaguy  narrow 
one.' 

"The  landlord,  after  some  unavailing  entreaty,  went  away,  but 
soon  returned  with  the  pretended  traveller;  and  although  they 
meant  I  should  believe  only  two  persons  were  outside,  I  knew 
from  the  whispering  there  were  more,  and  that  confirmed  me  in 
my  suspicions  of  mischief. 

"The  traveller,  however,  now  opened  the  conference: 

"  'Hullow !  I  say,  mister,  in  thare,  won't  you  'commodate  ?' 

"  'Gentlemen,'  said  I,  in  a  decided  tone,  'nobody  can  come  into 
this  room  to-night  with  .my  consent.' 

"  'Well,  d n  me,  then,  if  I  won't  come  in  whether  you  like 

it  or  no : — I've  as  much  right  to  half  a  bed  as  you  or  any  other 
man.' 

"  'If  you  attempt  it,  stranger,  you  may  take  what  comes.' 

"The  only  answer  was  a  long  strain  at  the  door — till  at  last  the 
door  was  forced  a  little  open,  and  the  rascal  got  his  whole  hand  in 
and  would  soon  have  worked  in  all  his  arm ;  when,  with  a  single 
thrust,  I  dashed  my  dirk  right  through  his  hand  and  pinned  him 
that  way  to  the  door-cheek. 

"He  screamed  out,  you  may  be  sure,  in  agony;  but  it  was  in 
vain,  I  held  him  fixed  as  fate:  and  when  the  others  found  it  im- 
possible either  to  relieve  him  or  get  at  me,  they  willingly  agreed 
and  with  the  most  solemn  and  energetic  promises  to  let  me  alone 
if  I  would  release  their  comrade.  I  took  them  at  their  word  and 
drew  out  the  dirk,  and  strange  as  it  may  seem,  the  fellows  kept 
their  promise — and  although,  for  a  day  or  two  I  travelled  in  fear 
of  an  ambuscade,  I  was  never  molested,  and  by  the  Divine  favour, 
reached  home  not  long  after  in  safety." 

"Mr.  Clarence,"  said  Miss  Wilmar,  "I  have  heard  that  you  had 


28  THE  JOURNEY 

some  alarming  adventures  in  the  South,  and  as  we  are  quite  in 
the  robber  vein  to-day,  may  we  not  hear  a  story  from  you  ?" 

"It  would  be  difficult,  Miss  Wilmar,"  replied  Clarence,  "to 
refuse  after  such  an  invitation :  but  only  one  part  of  the  story  to 
which  you  probably  allude  is  certainly  true — that  I  was  pretty 
well  scared;  when  possibly  there  was  no  good  reason  for  alarm. 
However,  here  is  the  adventure,  and  you  can  judge  of  probabilities 
for  yourselves. 

"On  my  last  visit  to  South  Carolina,  being  sick  of  seasickness, 
I  determined,  winter  as  it  was  and  contrary  to  advice,  to  return  to 
Philadelphia  by  land: — in  which  mode  of  travelling,  however,  if 
the  endless  and  deep  lagoons,  and  bayous,  and  swamps  of  the 
lower  or  coast-road,  are  considered,  there  was  nearly  as  much  of 
navigation  and  hazard  of  wrecking  and  drowning  as  in  the  other 
way,  by  sea.  Indeed,  more  than  once  our  narrow  triangular  stage, 
with  its  two  horses,  harnessed  tandem,  did  really  float  a  moment : 
— and  by  night  as  by  day,  did  we  ford  the  middle  of  submerged 
roads  between  drains  and  ditches,  where  the  water  must  have 
been  four  or  five  feet  deep. 

"From  Charleston  we  had  not  only  a  new  but  a  new  order  of 
stage,  which  though  crowded  at  starting,  lost,  by  the  time  we 
reached  Georgetown,  all  the  passengers  but  myself  and  two  others. 
These  unfortunately  were  slave-dealers,  and  of  that  very  sort  that 
John  Randolph,  or  my  friend  here  the  colonel,  would  not  have 
greatly  scrupled  to  shoot  down  like  any  other  blood-thirsty  brutes. 
Their  diversion  often  was,  to  entice  dogs  near  the  stage  and  then 
to  fire  pistol-balls  at  them — usually,  however,  without  effect, 
owing  to  the  motion  of  the  stage  and  the  sagacity  of  the  dogs. 
Of  all  wretches,  these  were  superlatively  pre-eminent  in  pro- 
fanity :  and  this  I  once  had  the  temerity  to  tell  them,  but  with  no 
good  result.  Had  the  ancient  persecutors  chained  Christians  to 
such  reprobates,  the  torture  to  a  good  and  pious  man  would  have 
been  the  most  exquisitely  fiendish — if  the  tormentors  could  have 
cursed  all  the  time  like  these  demons. 

"Just  before  leaving  Georgetown,  I  was  not  a  little  alarmed, 
on  their  learning  that  I  was  going  North,  by  an  abrupt  query  if 
I  had  not  Philadelphia  or  New- York  money:  and  then,  as  this 
could  not  be  denied  nor  even  evaded,  by  their  immediate  offer  to 


THE  JOURNEY  29 

give  me  Virginia  paper  for  it  all  and  at  an  enormous  premium  in 
my  favour.  From  their  whole  manner  I  conjectured  their  Virginia 
notes  were  counterfeit;  which,  added  to  their  open  and  reckless 
wickedness,  rendered  me  uneasy  and  disposed  to  interpret  their 
subsequent  conduct  in  accordance  with  my  fears. 

"Late  at  night  in  a  violent  storm  of  snow  and  sleet  we  left 
Georgetown.  The  driver,  pretending  it  was  solely  for  our  com- 
fort, had,  in  order  to  carry  food  for  his  horses,  crowded  the  stage 
body  even  above  the  seats  with  cornblades,  like  a  farm-wagon 
with  a  load  of  fodder.  I,  slender  and  powerless,  of  course  kept 
still,  but  the  two  did  not  hush  down  to  their  muttering  state  of 
quiescence  till  after  the  usual  tempest  of  raving  curses ;  and  then 
we  all  three  crawled  in  and  mixed  ourselves  with  the  fodder  as  we 
best  could.  Within  an  hour  the  driver  lay  back,  and  with  the 
reins  somehow  secured  in  his  hands  went  to  sleep — at  all  events, 
his  hat  was  over  his  eyes  and  he  snored.  And  then  the  men-steal- 
ers,  supposing  me  to  be  asleep  also,  began  a  whispering  and  rather 
inarticulate  colloquy,  in  which  I  at  length  clearly  distinguished  the 
ominous  words — 'Cut  his  throat!' 

"Good  gracious !  Mr.  Clarence,  and  were  you  not  greatly  terri- 
fied?" 

"Yes,  greatly  at  first ;  but  keeping  wide  awake  and  listening  with 
my  mouth  open,  I  ascertained  that  the  scoundrels  did  verily  intend 
to  cut  a  throat,  although  not  mine : — it  was  the  throat  of  a  poor 
slave  that  had  just  given  them  the  slip.  Yet  dreading  lest  men 
who  could  coolly  resolve  to  cut  one  throat  for  revenge,  might  cut 
another  for  money,  I  squeezed  nearer  the  driver,  and  whenever  he 
snored,  nestled  and  moved  about  in  the  fodder  till  it  waked  him. 
So  passed  most  of  the  night,  till  shortly  before  day-break,  we 
halted  on  the  edge  of  a  river — perhaps  the  Pedee — where  the 
driver  said  our  journey  was  at  an  end  till  to-morrow ;  as  the  other 
contractor  had  failed  to  be  there  with  his  stage !  At  the  same  time 
he  pointed  to  a  miserable  and  solitary  hut  on  the  bank,  where  we 
should  be  well  accommodated  till  the  stage  arrived!  And  so  I 
had  before  me  a  very  agreeable  prospect — twenty-four  hours  with 
my  precious  associates — almost  alone — in  the  woods — and  on  the 
bank  of  a  deep  and  rapid  stream !  But  the  fury  of  these  fellows, 
when  the  driver's  meaning  was  fully  comprehended! — (who  had, 


30  THE  JOURNEY 

at  first,  uttered  himself  in  a  saucy  and  indistinct  mutter,  as  he 
untackled  his  team  and  we  crawled  out  of  the  hay-mow) — it 
baffles  description  And  yet,  even  in  the  very  tempest  height  and 
rage  of  their  godless  words,  up  stepped  my  imperturbable  man  of 
the  whip,  and  with  the  most  invincible  gravity  and  assurance 
demanded,  with  outstretched  and  open  palm,  twenty-five  cents 
each! 

"  'Twenty-five  damnations! — what  for?' — roared  one  of  them 
in  unaffected  surprise. 

'  'What  for? — echoed  and  mimicked  the  driver,  as  if  amazed 
at  a  silly  question — 'What  for!  !' — why,  the  nice  bed  I  made  you 
last  night  out  of  that  'are  fodder  thare! 

"This  matchless  impudence,  fun  or  earnest — it  was  in  fact  a 
little  of  both — was  so  preposterously  ridiculous  to  me  at  least, 
that  I  laughed  fairly  out  in  spite  of  fear  and  chagrin ;  nor  was  the 
laughter  abated  by  the  attitude  and  amazement  of  the  two  slavers. 
Figure  them  accosted  by  the  driver  with  his  demand  in  the  very 
midst  of  outrageous  cursings  and  frantic  gestures — the  pause — the 
call  for  explanation — it  given; — and  there  the  wretches  standing 
a  few  seconds  speechless,  not  from  fear,  but  dumb  with  a  madness 
that  was  really  unutterable!  But  then,  when  they  could  speak, 
out  came  the  unholy  torrent  as  if  the  prince  of  darkness  had  be- 
come incarnate  and  was  spouting  forth  brimstone  and  blasphemy  ? 
And  all  this  time  my  wonderful  driver,  cool,  grave,  unflinching — 
(on  his  guard  evidently,  and  he  was  a  very  athletic  fellow) — kept 
at  suitable  intervals  repeating  the  demand  for  twenty-five  cents 
each  for  the  fodder  bed !  till  our  heroes  closed  their  profane  exhi- 
bition, by  consigning  driver — stage — horses — fodder — contractors 
— and  all  the  Carolinas  and  the  whole  pine  barren  world  to  the 
swearer's  own  diabolical  father,  and  his  red-hot  furnaces,  and 
finally  hoping  and  praying  that  they  themselves  might  be  damned 
three  or  four  times  over — 'if  ever  they  travelled  that  road  again!' 
To  all  this  Satanic  rhetoric  my  nonpareil  of  impudence  only  re- 
plied, and  with  the  most  astonishing  coolness — 'We  never  expect 
nobody  to  travel  this  way  but  once!' 

"This  ended  the  affair — our  heroes  were  used  up. 

"At  the  hut  however  we  found  a  man  who  gave  us  a  few 
sweet  potatoes  and  some  rice,  and  then  offered  to  take  us  over  the 


THE  JOURNEY  31 

river  in  a  scow,  that  we  might  get  to  the  stage-house  about  two 
miles  across  the  opposite  forest.  Here  then  was  a  situation  any 
thing  but  pleasant :  and  the  behaviour  of  the  chaps,  after  we  were 
left  alone  in  the  woods,  did  not  render  it  any  more  so.  Among 
other  things,  they  lagged  behind  together — seemingly  engaged, 
whenever  I  looked  around,  in  an  earnest  and  low  conversation, 
their  eyes  occasionally  on  me — then  they  would  come  up  on 
each  side  of  me — one  going  ahead  as  if  to  reconnoitre — till  at 
last  they  evidently  had  resolved  on  something  of  which  I  suspected 
I  was  the  subject,  and  advanced  to  execute  it — when,  unexpectedly 
to  my  great  relief,  a  negro  man,  the  first  and  the  only  person  we 
met  that  morning,  came  in  sight,  driving  a  horse  and  cart!  I 
hurried  up  to  the  poor  negro,  and  learned  that  a  plantation  was  on 
our  left,  and  that  the  stage-tavern  was  scarcely  half-a-mile  dis- 
tant. After  this  the  slavers'  conduct  was  less  alarming  towards 
me;  yet  I  never  felt  at  ease  till  we  reached  Fayetteville,  where 
they  took  another  road  into  Virginia  and  left  me  sole  occupant  of 
the  stage. 

"This,  Miss  Wilmar,  is,  I  confess,"  continued  Clarence,  "not 
a  very  tragic  conclusion — but  I  had  rather  be  here  to  tell  the 
story  as  it  was,  than  to  have  Carlton  here  to  tell  it  in  a  book  as 
it  might  have  been;  and  yet  perhaps  the  rascals  only  meant  to 
terrify  me  as  did  the  wag,  on  meeting  a  traveller " 

"How  was  that,  Mr.  Clarence?" 

Before  Clarence  could  reply,  Mr.  Brown  exclaimed — "Look 
there ! — look  there !"  and  below  us,  in  the  meadows  bordering  the 
Juniata,  was  a  hunted  deer  bounding  away  for  life!  The  timid 
creature  ere  long  leaped  into  the  water,  swam  some  hundred  feet 
down  the  stream,  and  emerging  speeded  away  to  the  mountain. 
No  pursuers  were  in  sight,  and  from  appearances  the  poor  crea- 
ture escaped  for  that  time:  it  certainly  had  our  wishes  in  its 
favour.  This  incident  naturally  introduced  stories  about  hunting 
and  Indians,  with  numberless  episodial  remarks  on  dogs,  rifles, 
shot-guns,  tomahawks  and  the  like;  so  that  when  the  shadows 
of  the  mountain  began  at  the  decline  of  day  to  darken  the  valleys, 
and  silence  and  thoughtfulness  pervaded  the  party,  fancy  easily 
brought  back  the  red-man  to  his  ancient  haunts  and  made  robbers 
crouch  in  ambush  in  every  thicket  and  behind  every  tree.  Yet 


32  THE  JOURNEY 

we  reached  our  lodging  place  in  safety,  where,  late  at  night,  w( 
severally  retired  to  bed;  and  then,  if  the  day  had  brought  Mr 
Carlton  and  his  amiable  wife  no  danger,  they  were  destined  tc 
find  a  somewhat  curious  adventure  at  night.  And  this  we  shal 
contribute  to  the  chapter  as  our  share  of  its  accidents. 

Our  sleeping  room  was  on  the  first  floor,  and  opened  by  three 
windows  into  a  piazza;  which  circumstances,  together  with  the 
stories  just  narrated  to  the  reader  and  other  matters  of  the  sort 
inclined  us  to  examine  the  fastenings  before  going  to  bed.  Th< 
bolts  were  faultless,  but  the  shutters  or  slappers  were  so  warpec 
and  swollen  that  no  efforts  could  induce  them  to  come  together  anc 
be  bolted;  hence,  our  only  course  was  to  jump  into  bed,  and  ii 
any  thing  happened,  to  do  like  children — put  our  heads  under  the 
covers.  In  about  an  hour  I  was  cautiously  awakened  by  Mrs 
Carlton  who  whispered  in  a  low  and  agitated  voice : — 

"Oh!  my  dear!— what's  that?— listen!" 

Instead  of  pulling  up  the  bed-clothes,  I  sat  up  to  listen;  anc 
strange — a  solemn  and  peculiar  and  thrilling  note  was  filling  the 
room,  swelling  and  dying  away,  and  changing  now  to  one  spol 
and  then  to  another!  What  could  it  be?  The  sound  resemblec 
nothing  I  had  ever  heard  except  once,  and  that  was  in  a  theatrical 
scene,  in  which  a  huge  iron  wheel  turned  at  the  touch  of  a  magi- 
cian and  slowly  raised  the  heavy  trap  door  of  an  enchanted  cavern 
I  sprang  out  of  bed  and  began  a  search — yet  all  in%  vain — I  fell 
along  the  walls,  crawled  under  the  bed,  poked  my  head  up  the 
chimney,  and  even  ventured  into  the  closets — and  all  the  while  thai 
mysterious  noise  playing  as  wild  and  frightful  as  ever!  At  lasl 
I  pushed  open  the  shutters  and  looked  into  the  piazza;  still 
nothing  was  visible  either  there  or  within  the  room,  while  the 
strange  tones  swelled  Jouder  than  ever ! 

Puzzled,  but  less  alarmed,  we  at  last  retreated  to  bed — I  say  we, 
for  Mrs.  C.  had  been  trotting  after  me  during  the  whole  search, 
being  too  cowardly  to  stay  in  bed  alone  even  with  the  covers  ovei 
her  head, — we  retreated  to  bed,  and  after  a  while,  I,  at  least,  fell 
asleep;  but  soon  I  was  suddenly  and  violently  awakened  by  my 
good  lady,  who  in  attempting  to  leap  away  from  something  on 
her  side,  had  in  extra  activity  accomplished  too  much,  and  landed 
clear  over  me  and  out  of  bed  entirely  on  the  floor ! 


THE  JOURNEY  33 

"Why,  Eliza  — Eliza ! — what  ? — what  is  the  matter !" 

"Oh!  Robert! — listen!"  said  my  wife;  in  bed  again,  however, 
and  be  assured,  on  the  safe  side. 

A  basin  of  water  we  knew  stood  near  Mrs.  Carlton's  side  of 
the  bed,  and  on  a  small  table : — and  now  into  that  basin,  drop  by 
drop,  something  was  trickling!  Could  it  be  blood  from  some 
crack  in  the  floor  over  us !  With  Mrs.  C.  clinging  to  me,  I  went 
to  the  table,  and  seizing  the  basin,  carried  it  hastily  to  a  window, 
and  pushing  open  its  shutter,  we  plainly  perceived  by  the  dim 
light  that  blood  it  really  was — not — 

"Well,  what  was  it,  then  ?" 

Reader!  it  was  a  little  mouse  dead  enough  now,  but  which, 
having  by  accident  tumbled  into  the  water,  had,  by  its  struggles  for 
life,  caused  what  to  us  then  seemed  like  the  trickling  down  of 
some  liquid  or  fluid  substance. 

Day  now  dawning,  and  Mrs.  C.  being  willing  to  stay  alone,  I 
went  into  the  yard  to  discover  the  cause  of  the  mysterious  music, 
satisfied  that  it  lay  there  somewhere;  and  no  sooner  did  I  reach 
the  corner  of  the  house  than  I  was  fortunate  enough  to  catch 
the  very  ghost  in  the  act  of  performing  on  the  extraordinary  in- 
strument that  had  puzzled  us  with  its  strange  noise.  Against  the 
house  had  been  nailed  part  of  an  iron  hoop  to  support  a  wooden 
spout;  but  the  spout  had  rotted  away  and  fallen  down,  and  the 
projecting  hoop  was  alone.  This  iron  had  on  it  some  saline  sub- 
stance pleasant  to  the  taste  of  a  quiet  old  cow ;  and  there  stood  the 
matron-like  quadruped  licking  away  with  very  correct  time  at  the 
hoop,  and  whenever  her  tongue  finished  a  stroke,  and  according 
to  its  intensity,  the  instrument  vibrated,  and  thus  discoursed  the 
wondrous  music  of  the  enchanter's  wheel  and  trap!  Indeed,  I 
even  tried  the  performance  myself — (not  with  my  tongue) — and 
succeeded,  my  wife  says,  and  she  is  a  judge  of  music,  succeeded 
as  well  as  the  cow  herself.  And  so,  dear  reader,  if  this  is  not  "a 
cock  and  bull  story" — it  most  certainly  is — a  mouse  and  a  cow 
one. 

Adventures,  like  misfortunes,  are  sometimes  in  clusters.  The 
next  morning  after  the  descent  from  some  mountain,  as  our  stage 
was  entering  a  small  village,  we  were  met  by  a  noble-looking 
young  man,  mounted  on  a  spirited  horse,  scarcely  broken,  and 


34  THE  JOURNEY 

certainly  not  "bridle-wise" — and  met  exactly  on  the  middle  of  a 
bridge.  This  bridge  crossed  a  stream  not  ordinarily  wide  or  deep, 
but  swollen  by  melting  snows  it  now  was  foaming  and  thundering 
along  almost  a  river:  it  was  truly  formidable. 

The  horse,  as  we  met,  stopped,  and  with  ears  erect  and  pointed, 
with  nostrils  dilated,  and  eyes  fierce  and  staring,  he  answered 
every  effort  to  urge  him  forward  only  with  trembling  and  fitful 
starting;  while  the  horseman  himself  sat  indifferent  to  conse- 
quences, and  with  ease  and  grace.  The  man  and  horse  were  one. 
At  length  the  rider  unable  to  compel  the  creature  to  pass  us,  at- 
tempted to  wheel — when,  instead  of  obeying  the  bridle,  the  spirited 
animal  reared,  and  at  one  superb  bound  cleared  the  barrier  of  the 
bridge,  and  both  rider  and  horse  in  an  instant  disappeared  under 
the  foaming  waters.  But  scarcely  had  fright  among  us  uttered  its 
exclamations,  when  up  rose  that  horse,  and  up  rose,  too,  seated  on 
his  back,  that  rider, — ay — seated  as  though  he  had  never  moved 
and  the  whole  performance  had  been  done  expressly  for  exhibi- 
tion !  In  a  few  moments  the  horseman  landed  below  the  bridge, 
then  galloping  across  the  meadow  he  passed  the  fence  at  a  flying 
leap,  and  advancing  to  the  stage  now  over  the  bridge,  this  match- 
less rider  taking  off  his  hat  and  bowing  to  the  party,  asked,  as  if 
the  affair  had  not  been  purely  accidental : — 

"Gentlemen !  which  of  you  can  do  that  ?" 

We  most  heartily  congratulated  him  on  his  miraculous  preser- 
vation, and,  as  he  rode  gallantly  off,  gave  him  three  loud  cheers 
for  kis  unsurpassed  coolness  and  intrepidity. 

Reader!  it  is  yet  a  long  way  to  Pittsburgh,  and  I  cannot  get 
you  properly  there  without  telling  my  own  robber  story — a  pet 
adventure; — or  without  we  skip — but  I  should  like  to  tell  the 
story — 

"Well,  Mr.  Carlton,  we  should  very  much  like  to  hear  the 
story — but,  perhaps,  just  now  we  had  better — skip." 

Skip  it  is,  then,  and  all  the  way  to — PITTSBURGH. 


CHAPTER   VII. 

"Ferrum  exercebant  vasto  Cyclopes  in  antro 

Brontesque  Steropesque  et  nudus  membra  Pyracmon. 

******** 

*     alii  ventosis  follibus  auras. 
"Accipiunt  redduntque :  alii  stridentio  tingunt 
Aera  lacu:  gemit  impositis   incudibus  antrum. 
Illi  inter  sese  nrulta  vi  brachia  tollunt 
In  numerum,  versantque  tenaci  forcipe  massam." 

AND  be  assured,  reader,  it  is  not  "all  smoke"  you  now  see — 
there  is  some  fire  here  too.  This  black  place  reminds  us  of 
the  iron-age — of  Jupiter  too,  and  Vulcan  and  Mount  ^Etna.  Virgil 
would  here  have  found  Cyclops  and  pounders  of  red-hot  thunder- 
bolts sonorous  enough  to  set  at  work  in  his  musical  hexameters. 
And  some  here  make  tubes  of  iron,  with  alternate  and  spiral 
"lands  and  furrows,"  better  by  far  to  shoot  than  Milton's  grand 
and  unpatent  blunder-busses;  into  which  his  heroic  devils  put 
unscientifically  more  powder  than  probably  all  burned — but  that 
was  before  the  Lyceum  age. 

Whenever  that  soot-cloud  is  driven  before  a  wind,  long  streets 
are  revealed  lined  with  well-built  and  commodious  dwellings,  with 
here  and  there  a  stately  mansion,  and  even  the  dusky  palace  be- 
longing to  some  lord  of  coal-pits  and  ore-beds. 

Hark!  how  enterprise  and  industry  are  raging  away! — while 
steam  and  water-power  shake  the  hills  to  their  very  foundation ! — 
and  every  spot  is  in  a  ferment  with  innumerable  workmen  as 
busy,  and  as  dingy  too,  as  the  pragmatical  insects  in  Virgil's 
poetic  ant-hill!  Every  breeze  is  redolent  with  nameless  odours 
of  factories  and  work-shops ;  and  the  ear  is  stunned  by  the  cease- 
less uproar  from  clatter  and  clang  of  cog  and  wheel — the  harsh 
grating  of  countless  rasps  and  files — the  ringing  of  a  thousand 
anvils — the  spiteful  clickings  of  enormous  shears  biting  rods  of 
iron  into  nails — the  sissing  of  hot-tongs  in  water — and  the  deep 
earthquaking  bass  of  forge-hammers  teaching  rude  masses  how 
to  assume  the  first  forms  of  organic  and  civilized  metal ! 

Mr.  Brown  said  he  was  not  yet  fully  awake,  but  that  he  was  in 
a  dream  amid  scenes  of  Birmingham  and  Sheffield;  and  that  in- 

35 


36  THE  VOYAGE 

stead  of  astonishing  the  natives,  th«  natives  had  surprised  and 
astonished  him. 

Why  do  some  speak  disparagingly  of  Pittsburgh  complexion? 
Is  it  ordinarily  seen  ?  The  citizens  move  enveloped  in  cloud — like 
^neas  entering  Carthage — and  hence  are  known  rather  by  their 
voice  than  their  face.  Their  voice  is  immutable,  but  their  face 
changes  hourly :  hence  if  the  people  here  are  loud  talkers,  it  arises 
from  the  fact  just  alluded  to,  and  because  loud  talking  is  neces- 
sary to  cry  down  the  din  of  a  myriad  mingled  noises. 

In  very  civilized  districts,  ladies  owe  their  sweet  looks  to  what 
is  put  on  their  faces ;  in  this  Cyclopean  city,  sweet  looks  are  owing 
to  what  is  taken  off  their  faces.  Instead,  therefore,  of  advising 
bachelors  before  popping  the  question,  to  catch  the  inamorata  "in 
the  suds,"  we  advise  to  catch  her  in  the  soot.  If  beautiful,  then 
let  Ccelebs  bless  himself,  for  he  has  a  gem  which  water,  unlike  its 
baleful  effect  on  some  faces,  will  only  wash  brighter  and  brighten 

As  to  hearts  and  manners,  if  our  Mr.  Smith  be  a  correct  speci- 
men, go  reader,  live  in  Pittsburgh.  He  was  a  Christian  gentle- 
man :  and  in  those  two  words  is  condensed  all  praise.  When,  as 
was  necessary,  our  party  proceeded  on  the  voyage  without  this 
friend,  so  great  was  the  vacancy,  we  seemed  alone — alas !  he  is  no 
more! 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

THE   VOYAGE. 

"facilis  descensus  Averni,  sed  revocare  gradum " 

"Easy  is  it  to  float  down  the  Ohio — try  to  float  up  once !" 

AT  the  time  of  the  voyage,  a  steamboat  was  a  very  rara  ains  on 
the  Ohio  river;  at  least  such  a  smoke-belcher  and  spit-fire  could 
not  be  found  at  any  hour  of  the  day  and  night  ready  to  walk  off 
with  passengers  like  "the  thing  of  life."1  The  usual  mode  then 

1  Navigation  by  steam  on  the  Ohio  was  being  introduced  from  1811  to 
1814.  (Turner,  F.  J.,  Rise  of  the  New  West,  p.  73.)  Nicholas  J.  Roose- 
velt made  a  voyage  by  steam  down  the  Ohio  and  Mississippi  in  1809. 
(McMaster,  U.  S.  Vol.  IV,  p.  401.)  But  several  years  elapsed  before  the 


THE  VOYAGE  37 

of  going  down — (getting  up  again  was  quite  another  affair) — was 
in  arks,  broad-horns,  keel-boats,  batteaux,  canoes  and  rafts.  Col. 
Wilmar,  who  knew  the  way  of  doing  business  in  these  great 
waters,  decided  in  favour  of  the  ark ;  and  into  the  ark,  therefore, 
we  went :  viz.  Col.  Wilmar  and  his  cousin,  Mr.  Clarence  and  Mr. 
Brown,  and  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Carlton,  and  also  the  two  owners — 
eight  souls.  Noah's  stock  of  live  animals  went  in  to  be  fed,  ours 
went  in  to  be  eaten — and  we  had  also  smoked  hams — so  that  the 
likeness  between  us  and  that  remarkable  navigator  principally 
failed  after  the  number  of  the  sailors  was  compared. 

Our  captain  and  mate  being  gone  after  their  own  stores,  let  us 
in  the  meanwhile  examine  the  mechanique  of  our  ark.  And  first, 
its  foundation, — for  the  structure  is  rather  a  house  than  a  boat, — 
its  foundation.  This  is  rectangular  and  formed  of  timbers  each 
fifteen  cubits  long,  tied  by  others  each  eight  cubits  long;  the  tim- 
bers being  from  three  to  four  hands-breadths  thick.  The  side 
beams  are  united  by  sleepers,  on  which  is  a  floor  pinned  down, 
and  as  tight  as  possible,  so  that  when  swollen  by  the  water,  water 
itself  could  not  get  in — except  at  the  cracks,  and  then  it  could  not 
be  got  out  without  the  aid  of  science.  Above  the  first  flooring, 
at  an  interval  of  a  foot,  was  laid  on  other  joist — (jic<e} — a  second 
floor.  Hence  by  virtue  of  a  primitive  pump  peculiar  to  the  raft 
and  ark  era,  our  "hold" — (and  it  held  water  to  admiration) — 
could,  when  necessary,  be  freed. 

Scantling  of  uncertain  and  unequal  lengths  rose  almost  per- 
pendicular around  the  rectangle,  being  morticed  into  the  founda- 
tion ;  and  so  when,  from  without,  planks  were  pinned  as  high  as 
necessary  against  these  uprights,  the  ark  had  nearly  all  its  shape, 
and  all  its  room. 

This  room  or  space  was  portioned  into  cabin  and  kitchen ;  the 
latter  intended  by  the  architect  to  take  the  lead  in  the  actual  navi- 


steam  boat  method  of  travel  became  general  on  the  western  rivers  and  the 
method  was  still  an  unusual  and  expensive  one  when  Hall  made  the 
voyage  in  1822  or  1823.  The  National  Gazette,  Sept.  26,  1823,  gives  a  list 
of  steamboats,  rates  of  passage,  estimate  of  products,  at  approximately  the 
time  of  Hall's  journey.  See,  also,  Annals  of  Congress,  17  Cong.  2  Sess., 
p.  407,  nd  Niles  Register,  XXV,  95,  and  Treble's  Steam  Navigation,  cited 
by  Turner,  pp.  73,  103. 


38  THE  VOYAGE 

gation,  but  which  in  a  struggle  for  pre-eminence  would  often  tech- 
nically slue  round,  and  yield  that  honour  to  the  cabin. 

Next  the  kitchen.  In  one  part  was  a  hearth  of  brick  and  sand, 
and  furnished  with  three  iron  bars  that  straddled  their  lower  ex- 
tremities to  the  edges  of  the  hearth,  and  united  their  upper  ones 
over  its  centre  or  thereabouts.  And  this  contrivance  was  to  sus- 
tain in  their  turn  our — hem ! — "culinary  utensils  ?" — ay — yes — 
culinary  utensils.  Forwards  were  the  fin-holes,  and  behind  these 
and  projecting  towards  the  cabin,  were  boxes  as  berths  for  the 
captain  and  mate.  The  fins — (improperly  by  some  called  horns) 
— where  rude  oars,  which  passing  out  of  the  opposite  fin-holes 
just  named,  used  when  moved  to  flap  and  splash  each  side  the 
kitchen ;  and  by  these  the  ark  was  steered,  kept  kitchen  end  fore- 
most, brought  to  land,  and  kept  out  of  harm's  way — the  last  re- 
quiring pretty  desperate  pulling,  unless  we  began  half  an  hour  be- 
fore encountering  an  impediment,  or  escaping  a  raft.  The  fins 
would,  indeed,  sometimes  play  in  a  heavy  sort  of  frolic  to  get 
us  along  faster;  but  usually  they  were  idle,  and  we  were  left  to 
float  with  the  stream  from  three  to  four  miles  in  an  hour. 

The  cabin,  like  other  aristocrats,  had  the  large  space,  and  was 
planked  two  cubits  higher  than  the  other  places,  and  covered  with 
an  arched  roof  on  their  boards  to  ward  off  sun,  direct  and  perpen- 
dicular rain.  Against  sun  and  rain  oblique,  it  was  often  no  bar- 
rier. The  cabin  was  also  sub-divided  into  parlour  and  state  room: 
The  latter  was  for  the  ladies'  sole  use,  being  sumptuously  furnish- 
ed with  a  double  box  or  berth,  a  toilette  made  of  an  upturned  flour 
barrel,  and  similar  elegancies  and  conveniences,  and  a  window 
looking  up-stream;  which  window  was  a  cubit  square  and  had  a 
flapper  or  slapper  hung  with  leathern  hinges  and  fastened  with  a 
pin  or  wooden  bolt.  The  parlour  contained  the  male  boxes  or 
sleeperies;  and  was  the  place  where  we  all  boarded — but  here 
comes  the  captain  and  his  mate,  and  we  shall  be  off  in  what  they 
call  a  jiffey — i.  e.  in  a  moment  or  two.  Among  other  articles, 
these  persons  brought  a  coffee-mill,  a  saw,  about  half  a  bushel 
of  sausages,  and  above  all,  a  five  gallon  keg,  which  the  captain 
himself  hugged  up  under  his  arm  next  the  heart.  What  was  in  it 
I  do  not  exactly  know — it  could  not  have  been  water,  not  having 
a  watery  smell,  and  beside  we  all  drank  river  water — it  must  then 
remain  a  secret. 


THE  VOYAGE  39 

Reader !  all  is  ready !  Oh !  how  soft  the  blossom-scented  balmy 
air  is  breathing!  See!  the  sun  light  dancing  from  one  sparkling 
ripple  to  another !  A  most  delicious  April  morning  is  inviting  us 
with  the  blandest  smiles  to  come  and  float  on  the  beauteous  river 
far,  far  away  to  the  boundless  prairies  and  the  endless  forests  of 
the  New  World!  Yes!  yes!  here  is  a  vision  real — and  in  the 
midst  of  fragrance,  and  flowers,  and  sunshine,  and  with  those  we 
love  for  comrades,  and  those  we  love  awaiting  us,  we  are  entering 
the  land,  the  glorious  land  of  sunsets!  Ah!  Clarence — I  wonder 
not  at  that  tear — 

"Bill !  slue  round  your  'are  side  there  and  we're  off,"  interrupted 
the  captain,  addressing  his  mate.  Bill,  of  course,  performed  that 
curious  manoeuvre  with  great  nautical  skill,  and  off  we  were :  first 
one  end  struggling  for  the  precedence  and  then  the  other,  with 
alternate  fins  dipping  and  splashing,  till  the  ark  reached  the  con- 
fluence of  the  Alleghany  and  Monongehala;  and  then  one  grand 
circular  movement  accomplished  that  forced  the  lordly  cabin  to 
the  rear,  away,  away,  we  floated,  kitchen  in  the  van  down  on  the 
current  of  the  noble,  beauteous,  glorious  Ohio! 

Farewell !  Pittsburgh,  last  city  of  the  east !  Long  may  the  din 
and  the  smoke  of  thy  honest  enterprise  be  heard  and  seen  by  the 
voyager  far  down  the  flood!  Farewell! — the  earth-born  clouds 
are  veiling  thee  even  now!  There!  I  see  thee  again! — Oh!  the 
flash  of  that  tall  spire  sending  back  the  sunbeam,  like  gleams  of 
lightning  from  a  thunder  cloud ; — it  gleams  again — we  change  our 
course — and  all  is  dark! — Pittsburgh!  Farewell. 
****** 

"Ladies  and  gentlemen"  said  the  Colonel,  after  we  were  fairly 
under  weigh,  "suppose  we  proceed  to  arrange  our  domestic  estab- 
lishment, each  agreeing  to  perform  his  part  either  assumed  by 
himself,  or  imposed  on  him  by  vote — (he,  his,  him,  were  used  in 
the  sense  of  homo — and  were  so  understood  by  the  ladies  al- 
though unacquainted  with  Latin  and  lectures) — and  so  suppose 
we  have  a  regular  assembly — 

"I  move  Col.  Wilmar  take  the  chair," — said  Mr.  Brown.  And 
this  being  seconded  by  Mrs.  Carlton,  the  Colonel  took  the  chair 
the  best  way  he  could ;  and  that  was  only  metaphorically  by  mov- 


40  THE  VOYAGE 

ing  off  a  little  from  the  common  members  and  leaning  against  a 
berth.  Miss  Wilmar  was  next  elected  Secretary,  and  accommo- 
dated with  a  trunk  for  a  seat,  and  using  her  lap  as  a  table,  she 
prepared  to  record  in  her  pocket  book  the  resolutions  of  the 
household  house. 

Mr.  Brown  then  was  nominated  as  cook;  but  as  he  insisted  that 
he  could  cook  "never  a  bit  of  a  male  but  only  roast  potatoes," 
and  we  had  unluckily  no  potatoes  stored,  the  important  office  was 
after  due  deliberation  bestowed  on  the  chairman  himself.  This 
was,  indeed,  very  humbly  declined  by  the  Colonel,  who  left  the 
chair  (calling  thither  for  the  time  Mr.  Clarence,)  to  exhibit  in  a 
very  handsome  speech  his  unworthiness ;  yet  it  was  at  last  unan- 
imously decided  in  his  favour,  and  mainly  on  the  argument  of 
Mr.  Carlton,  that  the  Colonel  had  doubtless  learned  cooking  in  his 
campaigns  and  when  hunting.  From  some  inaccuracy  in  wording 
the  resolutions,  however,  the  business  after  all  only  amounted 
to  the  cook's  having  to  carry  the  victuals  to  and  from  the  kitchen 
— lift  the  culinary  articles  about — and  poke  the  fire  at  the  order 
of  the  ladies. 

Next  came  a  resolution  that  the  ladies  should  prepare  the  cook- 
ables — i.  e.  stuff  the  chickens  with  filling — beat  eggs  for  puddings, 
and  the  like.  Then  it  was  ordered  that  Clarence,  Brown  and 
Carlton  should  in  turn  set  the  table — clean  plates,  &c, — or  in  a 
word — be  scullions.  The  dignity  of  history  forbids  me  to  conceal, 
that  spite  of  all  our  scouring,  and  wiping  and  washing,  the 
cleaned  articles  retained  an  unctuous  touch,  and  looked  so 
streaked,  that  at  meals  the  ladies  deemed  a  polish  extra  necessary. 
But  non  possumus  onnia,  you  know,  reader — i.  e.  we  cannot  all 
clean  dishes,  as  the  Latins  say. 

There  were  also  other  resolutions,  such  as,  that  the  gentlemen 
rise  betimes  and  make  their  beds  before  the  appearance  of  the 
ladies;  that  two  by  two  they  should  take  the  skiff  and  go  to 
market,  i.  e.  buy  at  the  cabins  on  the  banks  whatever  they  had 
for  sale  that  was  eatable,  viz.,  milk,  butter,  cheese,  eggs,  chickens, 
ducks,  venison  hams  cured,  and  fresh  venison,  &c.  &c.  The  stores 
laid  in  at  Pittsburgh  were  smoked  meats,  sausages,  flour,  cornmeal, 
tea,  coffee,  sugar,  salt,  spices  sweatmeats,  some  fruits,  and  many 
other  things  unknown  to  Noah.  We  had  also  our  own  plates, 


THE  VOYAGE  41 

knives,  lead  spoons,  and  a  superb  Dutch-looking  set  of  Pitts- 
burgh Liverpool  ware  for  tea  and  breakfast  service.  For  a 
"consideration"  the  captain  allowed  us  the  use  of  his  big  pot, 
skillet,  and  Dutch  oven;  we  had  our  own  coffee-pot  and  other 
tins. 

From  our  nicnacries  2  we  often  supplied  the  captain's  table  with 
a  desert ;  and  finally,  when  about  six  hundred  miles  down  the 
river,  these  extemporaneous  sailors  received  the  $16  paid  for  our 
passage,  they  became  residuary  heirs  to  all  our  unbroken  crockery 
and  hardware,  and  to  the  remnant  of  our  flour  and  smoked  meats. 
The  goodies  had  disappeared  two  hundred  miles  higher. 

After  the  adjournment  of  our  assembly,  we  proceeded  to  ar- 
range the  cabin  as  described,  spending  the  whole  day  in  "fixing ;" 
an  Americanism  extended  to  unfixing,  removing,  and  deranging, 
as  well  as  to  placing  and  rendering  permanent.  But  at  ten  o'clock, 
p.  M.,  the  pitchy  darkness  rendered  longer  floating  hazardous,  and 
we  accordingly  came,  not  to  anchor,  but  to  a  tie,  i.  e.  working 
the  ark  to  the  nearest  bank,  we  tied  her  (an  ark  contains,  if  it 
does  not  breed)  tied  her  to  a  tree,  and  in  the  very  way  formerly 
done  by  the  pious  .tineas  and  his  wandering  Trojans.  Yet  we 
did  not,  as  those  heroes,  sleep  on  the  sand  or  the  grass,  but  retired 
to  our  berths  or  boxes,  setting  a  watch,  however,  to  guard  against 
two  dangers  of  diametrically  opposite  characters.  First,  it  was 
necessary  to  take  care  that  the  tie-rope  neither  got  loose  nor 
broke,,  when  we  should  float  off  into  the  perils  of  a  dark  river — 
that  is,  find  too  much  water;  and,  secondly,  we  must  watch  the 
subsidence  of  the  river,  lest  she  (the  ark)  be  left  grounded  some 
two  or  three  feet  from  her  natural  element — that  is,  lest  we  find 
too  little  water:  a  bad  fix  in  English-English  as  in  American- 
English. 

It  is  very  delightful  when  travellers  go  to  sleep  content  in 
being  one  hundred  miles  advanced  in  their  journey  by  the  time 
they  are  called  to  breakfast ;  but  not  so  with  the  party — we  went 
to  bed  of  necessity  and  slept  on  system.  True,  we  awoke,  and 
got  up,  and  ate  breakfast  and  dinner,  and  even  tea  and  supper, 
and  played  away  the  intervals  at  checkers  with  white  and  red 
corns,  and  then  tried  push-pin  and  tee-totum — and  tried  to  read, 

2  Nicknacks. 


42  THE  VOYAGE 

and  wished  for  fishing-lines  and  guns — and  walked  up  the  bank 
and  then  walked  down  again,  whistling  every  now  and  then 
most  devoutly,  not  for  wind,  but  against  it:  but  alas!  the  wind 
would  not  be  whistled  against, — it  continued  to  blow  all  day 
long  dead  ahead  up  stream,  as  if  it  had  never  heard  us ;  and  there 
we  were  all  day,  all  the  evening,  and  part  of  the  night,  in  the 
self-same  identical  spot  where  we  came  to  a  tie  at  ten  o'clock, 
p.  M.,  the  night  before !  And  that  was  deservedly  called  a  pretty 
considerable  of  a  fix.  This  happened  often  enough,  however,  on 
other  occasions,  to  practice  and  improve  our  patience. 

One  day,  when  thus  wind-bound  about  two  hundred  miles 
below  the  first  fix,  all  the  common  expedients  of  beguilement  being 
tried  and  exhausted,  Colonel  Wilmar  proposed  marbles — of  which 
he  had  made  a  large  purchase  for  his  little  sons.  And  at  it  we 
went  with  the  zest  of  boyhood.  Happy  day!  how  the  blue-col- 
oured gentry,  that  haunt  the  inactive,  took  wing  at  the  sound  of 
our  merry  and  innocent  shouts  and  laughter !  No  human  habita- 
tion was  in  sight;  and  forests  that  told  their  age  by  centuries 
stretched  their  giant-arms  over  our  ring ;  and  from  their  venerable 
depths  Echo,  for  the  first  time  since  the  creation,  called  back,  in 
amazement,  the  words  of  our  game,  to  her  more  incomprehensible 
than  the  heathenish  terms  of  the  native  Indians!  Oh!  how  she 
reiterated  "Man-lay !  —  Clearings !  —  'fen ! — knuckle-down ! — toy 
bone ! — go  to  baste !  (  ?) — fat ! — histings ! — comins  about ! — hit 
black  alley! — knock  his  nicker! — 'tan't  fair! — you  cheat! — my 
first — cum  multis  aliis!"  These  terms  are  spelled  according 
to  nature — indeed,  my  soul  becomes  indignant  when  I  find  print- 
ed, instead  of  that  spirit-stirring,  frank-hearted  "Hurraw!" 
that  pitiful,  sneaking,  soulless,  civilized,  "Huzza".  Dare  any 
man  say  that  sounds  like  the  thing?  No  more  than  it  looks  like 
it.  Freeman  let  nice,  pretty,  mincing,  lady-like  dandies  huzza! 
by  note — do  you  ever  cry  out  Hurraw!  ex-tempore. 

But  at  length  we  waked  something  more  substantial  than  that 
bodiless  noun — Echo;  for  lo!  on  a  sudden  came  answers,  very 
near  and  very  distinct,  if  not  very  melodious,  and  from  the  top 
of  the  idential  bank  beneath  which  we  were  playing.  We  looked 
up,  and  there  stood  two  hunters,  long  silent  spectators  of  the 
strange  game,  but  who  having  imbibed  the  fun  of  the  thing,  were 
now  laughing  and  roaring  away  as  merry  as  our  party ! 


THE  VOYAGE  43 

After  the  wind  had  blown  out,  we  weighed  anchor,  that  is,  un- 
tied ark,  and  floated  away  till  after  midnight,  when  some  clouds 
so  increased  the  darkness  as  to  prevent  our  seeing  snags,  sawyers 
and  planters,  and  also  the  ripples  indicative  of  shallows,  and  we 
tied  again.  Perhaps  it  may  be  proper  here  to  say  a  word  relative 
to  the  above-named  impediments  in  the  Western  waters. 

A  planter  is  the  trunk  of  a  tree,  perpendicular  or  inclined,  with 
one  end  fixed  or  planted  immoveable  in  the  bottom  of  the  river, 
and  the  other  above  or  below  the  surface,  according  to  the  state 
of  the  water.  A  snag  is  a  miniature  or  youthful  planter,  or 
sometimes  it  is  made  by  an  upright  branch  of  a  large  tree  itself 
imbedded  horizontally  in  the  bottom.  A  sawyer  is  either  a  long 
trunk,  or  more  commonly  an  entire  tree,  so  fixed  that  its  top  plays 
up  and  down  with  the  current  and  the  wind,  and  is  therefore 
periodically  perilous  to  the  navigator.  Ripples  are  often  indices 
of  an  ascending  sawyer,  and  also  of  shoals,  as  one  approaches 
islands  wholly  or  partially  submerged.  Large  and  heavy  rafts 
frequently  go  against  and  over  most  of  the  smaller  obstacles  with 
impunity,  but  arks  like  ours  would  have  been  staved ;  so  our  night 
floating  especially  was  never  free  from  jeopardy. 

I  shall  not  inflict  our  whole  log-book  on  the  reader  and  his 
friends : — how  often  we  tied  and  untied — went  ashore  after 
butter  and  eggs  and  the  cum  multis — nor  how  it  was  once  my  lot 
to  be  with  Mr.  Brown  in  the  skiflf  when  he  could  not,  owing  to  his 
extreme  longitude,  trim  boat,  and  how  the  vixen  of  a  boat  threat- 
ened to  upset,  and  I  had  to  pull  both  oars  till,  weary  and  long 
after  dark,  we  overtook  our  ark,  where  fears  began  to  be  enter- 
tained about  us.  No,  no, — why  should  we  trespass  on  patience 
with  the  account  of  our  cookery ;  our  batter  cakes,  eggs  and  ham, 
biscuit  and  loaf,  johnny  cakes,  steaks,  filled  chickens,  plum  pud- 
dings, and  the  curious  dish  of  what-nots?  And  yet  it  was  really 
marvellous  that  our  endless  varieties  could  all  be  turned  out  of 
four  utensils:  viz.  a  tea-kettle  and  a  dutch  oven,  and  a  big  pot, 
and  a  little  skillet.  Mrs.  Goodfellow  did  well  enough  with  all 
her  fixtures — but  it  was  reserved  for  our  ladies  to  cook,  what 
most  cooks  and  confectioners  knew  nothing  about — the  multum 
in  parvo.  Let  me,  then,  in  place  of  the  whole  log,  introduce  a 
new  friend. 


44  THE  VOYAGE 

In  the  third  day  of  the  descent  we  began  to  overhaul  an  ark,  a 
size  (  ?)  less  than  ours ;  but  this  ark,  instead  of  getting  out  of  the 
way,  was  evidently  striving  to  get  into  it ;  and  so,  arrived  within 
speaking  distance,  we  were  hailed  from  the  strange  float  with  a 
proposition  to  link  arks.  Longing  for  something  new,  and  ap- 
prised that  combined  arks  floated  better  than  single  ones,  our 
assent  was  instantly  given,  and  then  our  arks  were  soon  amicably 
united  and  floating  side  by  side.  And  what  would  you  imagine 
the  neighbour  ark  contained  ?  A  solitary  male  Yankee !  Ay,  and 
such  a  merry,  facetious,  fearless,  handy,  'cute  specimen  of  the 
genus  as,  I  guess,  was  never  encountered. 

This  wonderful  biped  had  left  the  land  of  deacons,  hard  cider, 
and  other  steady  habits,  in  imitation  of  Jack  in  the  good  old-fash- 
ioned story  book — to  seek  his  fortune ;  and  now,  after  trying  his 
luck  in  twenty  different  places,  and  in  as  many  different  and  even 
opposite  ways,  behold !  here  was  Do-tell-1 -want-to-know,3  lord  of 
a  whole  ark,  a  solitary  Noah  floating  to  a  new  world  at  the  far 
end  of  a  flood,  if  not  beyond  one !  He  had  cast  off  at  Pittsburgh 
some  hours  before  ourselves,  and  had  sung,  whistled,  rowed  and 
eaten  his  way  alone,  till  we  overtook  him,  when  he  had  hailed  us  in 
a  very  jocose  and  half  singing  style,  and  then  brought  up  his  ark 
with  a  laugh  and  a  tune.  "He  was  tired,"  he  said,  "of  his  com- 
pany, and  had  ought  to  get  into  better  society, — and  seeing  we 
were  in  a  tarnation  tearing  hurry,  he  had  ought  to  tow  us  down 
to  what-d'-ye-call-the-place  ? — and  as  he  didn't  intend  taking  ad- 
vantage of  our  weakness,  he  wouldn't  ask  any  thing  for  his  help — 
except  his  boarding  and  a  dollar  a  day." 

What-say,  however,  was  very  far  from  vulgarity,  and  towards 
ladies,  very  respectful;  still,  he  was  a  choice  specimen  of  the  uni- 
versal nation,  and  Mr.  Brown  looked  on  him  with  astonishment 
for  his  peculiarities,  but  with  respect  for  his  independence  and 
enterprise.  Our  hero's  name  was,  oddly  enough,  Smith.  And 
as  he  was  always  called  among  us  by  his  surname,  I  forget  whether 
he  told  that  his  Christian  name  was  Thankful  or  Preserved — his 

3  "Do  tell!"  "I  want  to  knowl"  were  common  exclamations  of  some 
"down  east  Yankees"  upon  hearing  any  surprising  narrative  or  startling 
piece  of  news. 


THE  VOYAGE  45 

cognomen,  however,  was  destined  to  be  a  proper  noun,  for  our 
Yankee  was,  par  excellence,  the  Smith. 

Notwithstanding  his  demand  for  boarding,  we  could  not  in- 
duce him  to  eat  with  us,  anxious  as  we  were  to  pay,  if  not  for 
towing  services,  yet  for  fun.  True,  he  could  apply  "soft  sawder" 
very  judiciously,  and  indeed,  even  sometimes  out-general  Mr. 
Brown:  who,  to  tell  the  truth,  could  "do  the  nate  thing  with  the 
blarney"  himself.  I  shall  make  no  attempt  to  record  their  quirks, 
and  quizzes,  and  repartees,  and  puns — good  things  of  the  sort,  like 
soda-water,  had  better  be  taken  at  the  fountain.  What  became 
of  Smith  when  we  parted  at  Limestone,  I  never  learned.  But 
never  do  I  hear  of  a  Smith  pre-eminent  in  handicraft,  from  simple 
clock-making  all  the  way  up  to  patent  nutmeg  making;  or  in  the 
give-and-take-line,  from  limited  auctioneering  to  enlarged,  and 
liberal,  and  lo'comotive  peddling  of  notions;  or  in  modern  litera- 
ture, from  magazine  writing  clean  up  to  magnetisms  and  ly- 
ceums,  that  Noah  Smith  of  the  little  ark  comes  not  in  remem- 
brance. Verily,  if  not  really  metamorphosed,  as  I  sometimes 
guess,  into  Sam  Slick  or  Jonathan  his  brother,  he  certainly  is,  if 
living — a  very  Slick  Feller. 

The  twin  arks,  as  our  sailors  became  bolder  and  more  skilful 
or  rash,  were  allowed  at  last,  the  wind  permitting,  to  float  all 
night.  One  night  Smith,  then  our  Palinurus,  suddenly  beat  to 
quarters,  by  drumming  his  heels  against  the  partition  and  ringing 
his  skillet  with  the  only  weapon  he  carried, — an  oyster  knife  worn 
usually  in  his  bosom  like  a  dirk,  and  with  its  handle  exposed. 
At  the  same  time,  as  accompaniment,  he  whistled  "Yankee  doodle" 
in  superb  style,  and  then  exchanged  his  whistling  to  the  singing 
of  this  extemporaneous  lyric: — 

"Get  up,  good  sirs,  get  up  I  say, 

And  rouse  ye,  all  ye  sleepers ; 

See !  down  upon  us  comes  a  thing 

To  make  us  use  our  peepers. 

Yankee  doodle,  &c. 

"Yet  what  it  is,  I  cannot  tell — 
But  'tis  as  big  as  thunder; 
Ah!  if  it  hits  our  loving  arks, 
We'll  soon  be  split  asunder. 
Yankee  doodle,"  &c. 


46  THE  VOYAGE 

Roused  we  were,  yet,  misled  by  the  manner  of  our  pilot,  not 
as  fast  as  the  case  really  demanded:  for  just  then  the  ladies 
looking  from  their  little  window  up  the  river,  cried  out  in  great 
alarm,  "Col.  Wilmar! — Mr.  Carlton! — make  haste! — something 
is  coming  down  like  an  island  broke  loose ! — it  is  almost  on  us !" 
Of  course  the  fins  were  soon  manned,  and  flapped  and  splashed 
with  very  commendable  activity,  and  just  in  time  to  escape  the 
end  of  an  immense  raft  now  sweeping  past  and  within  a  very  few 
inches  of  Smith's  side;  while  four  or  five  men  on  the  raft  were 
labouring  away  at  their  sweeping  oars,  showing  that  our  escape 
was  due  to  their  exertions,  and  not  our  own.  Smith,  however, 
who  had,  it  seems,  made  his  calculation,  as  soon  as  he  perceived 
the  raft  likely  to  pass  very  near,  now  leaped  upon  it  with  a  rope 
in  his  hand ;  and  with  the  permission  of  the  men,  and  indeed  with 
their  assistance  too,  held  on  till  he  gained  the  far  end  of  the 
great  float,  when,  our  arks  made  fast  behind  it,  we  began  to  go 
a-head  in  earnest. 

Safe  now  from  all  attacks  in  the  rear — for  nothing  could  out- 
float  us — and  bidding  defiance  to  planter,  snag,  and  sawyer,  we 
boxed  ourselves  up  for  the  remainder  of  the  night  and  enjoyed  a 
profound  sleep,  awakening  in  due  season  to  the  full  reality  of 
our  improved  condition.  And  here,  writing  in  the  very  noon  of 
gas  and  steam,  I  do  deliberately  say,  after  all  my  experience  of 
cars  and  boats,  that  for  a  private  party  of  the  proper  sort  nothing 
is  so  delightful,  so  exhilarating,  so  truly  bewitching  to  travel  in, 
as  twin-arks  towed  along  by  an  almost  endless  raft.  To  say  noth- 
ing of  our  state  room  for  ladies,  parlour  for  company,  kitchen 
for  cookery,  and  Smith's  whole  ark  extra  for  dining  and  sitting 
— there  was  our  grand  promenade  deck  on  the  raft, — a  deck,  full 
three  hundred  feet  long  and  fifty  broad!  What  cared  we  for 
bursting  boilers ; — what  for  snag  and  sawyer?  And  if  any  serious 
injury  happened  to  one  of  the  trio,  or  even  two,  the  third  un- 
harmed afforded  retreat  and  shelter.  In  comfort,  convenience,  and 
freedom,  two  arks  and  a  long  raft  carry  away  the  palm. 

Indeed,  our  flotilla  was  truly  poetic  and  romantic.  And  never 
before,  certainly  never  since,  was  there  or  has  there  been  such  a 
season;  it  was  an  old-fashioned  April,  and  of  the  most  delicious 
sort.  Spring  her  very  self  was  enticed  by  it  from  her  southern 


THE  VOYAGE  47 

retreats,  and  came  to  meet  and  conduct  us  to  her  beauteous  do- 
mains. How  bright  and  warm  and  soft  the  sunlight  of  that  sea- 
son !  encouraging  flower  and  leaf  to  unfold  their  modest  glories  to 
the  genial  rays !  Did  a  bank  of  clouds  rest  on  the  horizon?  That 
was  no  portent  of  storm :  it  was  only  that  a  single  cloud  might  be 
detached  to  sprinkle  river  and  hill  withj'the  sunshiny  shower  that 
won't  last  an  hour!"  Oh,  the  joy!  then,  to  watch  the  contest 
between  the  rainbow-tinted  drops  and  misty  sunshine, — the  con- 
test for  victory!  And  how  the  fish  leaped  out  to  catch  a  pure 
crystal  drop  before  it  fell  and  mingled  with  the  flood  of  turbid 
waters !  And  the  birds — they  plunged  into  the  shower  of  liquid 
light,  bathing  their  plumage  of  gold  and  scarlet  and  purple,  till  it 
seemed  burnished  still  brighter  in  such  a  bath ! 

But  the  sunsets,  and  the  twilight !  The  witchery  then  entranced 
the  very  soul!  All  of  poetry,  and  of  shadowy  forms,  and  of 
sinless  elysium, — all  of  magic  in  musings  and  dreams — all  was 
embodied  there !  The  etherial  floated  on  the  river's  bosom,  while 
its  now  unruffled  waters  floated  our  rude  vessels.  It  dwelt  in 
the  dark  mirror,  where  shadows  of  cliff  and  forest  pointed  to  a 
depth  down,  down  away,  far  beyond  the  sounding-line.  It  was 
melting  in  the  blazing  river,  whence  farewell  rays  were  reflected 
as  the  sun  hid  behind  some  tall  and  precipitous  headland.  Ayf 
we  heard  the  unearthly  in  the  whispers  of  eddying  waters  sport- 
ing around  us;  and  in  the  sweet  and  thrilling  evening  songs  of 
happy  birds!  We  saw  it,  till  the  soul  was  phrenzied,  as  gliding 
past  one  island,  another  in  front  arose  to  intercept,  and  we  were 
seemingly  shut  within  a  fairy  lake,  never  to  find  an  egress !  And 
here  when  the  breath  of  day  was  done,  and  the  songs  of  the  birds 
hushed,  and  Wilmar  or  Clarence  was  seated  on  the  raft  and  with 
a  flute — oh  the  pure,  sweet,  plaintive,  joyous,  wild,  ravishing 
cries  of  the  echoes! 

If  one  would  hear  the  "magic  flute,"  it  must  be  as  then  and 
there.  The  Muses  haunted  then  the  forest-clad  banks  and  cliffs ; 
and  startled  and  pleased  with  the  melody  of  a  strange  instrument, 
they  caught  its  strains — and  called  to  one  another,  imitating  its 
tones,  till  they  died  away  in  the  distance.  Years  after  I  passed 
up  and  down  that  same  river  in  steamboats — but  in  vain  did  I 
look  for  the  visions  and  listen  for  the  strains  of  the  by-gone 


48  THE  VOYAGE 

evenings.  Alas  !  April  had  such  showers  no  more !  The  noise  and 
fierce  and  fiery  spirit  of  the  steamers  had  driven  away  the  gentle 
birds  and  heavenly  echoes — and  with  an  oppressed  and  melancholy 
heart  I  heard,  returning  from  the  banks,  only  the  angry  roar  of 
deserted  and  sullen  and  indignant  forests ! 

The  seventh  day  was  at  its  close,  when  we  deemed  ourselves 
so  near  Limestone  (the  modern  Maysville),  that  it  was  deter- 
mined to  send  the  colonel  and  the  author  in  the  skiff  to  that  place, 
in  order  to  have  arrangements  made  before  the  arrival  of  the 
grand  flotilla ; — for  there  the  raft  was  to  be  broken  up  and  scat- 
tered, and  so  was  our  party.  Accordingly,  before  day-break  on 
the  eighth  morning,  we  set  off  with  the  skiff,  agreeing  to  row 
and  steer  alternately,  each  a  mile,  as  near  as  could  be  guessed  at : 
and  this  agreeable  alternation  was  called — spelling  one  another. 
At  the  end  of  nine  spells,  we  discovered  on  a  bank,  just  about 
"sunup,"  a  full  grown  male  Buckeye,  a  little  in  advance  of  his 
cabin,  watching  our  progress — we  hailed: 

"Hallow ! — how  far  to  Limestone  ?"  * 

"Ten  miles." 

Ten  miles! — we  had  thought  it  now  about  a  mile — but  the 
recitation  in  rowing  was  not  yet  ended;  and  so  we  went  to  spell- 
ing it  ten  times  more.  We  were,  of  course,  perfect  by  the  time 
we  did  reach  Limestone ;  at  all  events,  I  was  so  pleased  with  my 
improvement,  that  from  that  hour  I  have  never  touched  an  oar! 
In  about  an  hour  after  the  colonel  and  Mr.  Carlton  arrived  at 
port,  the  raft,  its  caboose  in  the  centre,  and  our  arks  in  its  rear, 
hove  in  sight;  and  we  hurried  to  the  landing  with  separate  con- 
veyances hired  for  our  separate  journeys : 

****** 

Reader !  which  way  will  you  go  ?  With  the  gallant  colonel  and 
the  lovely  Miss  Wilmar,  and  the  faithful  Mr.  Clarence  to  Lexing- 
ton? or  will  you  stay  with  Mr.  Brown  and  Mr.  Smith  at  Lime- 
stone? or  will  you  not  accompany  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Carlton  to  the 
New  Purchase?  Perhaps  you  prefer  to  shake  hands  with  all: — 
we,  however,  of  the  party  found  that  no  easy  task.  Many  were 

4  Probably  Louisville.  The  Halls  drove  north  through  Indiana  from 
New  Albany. 


THE  SEARCHING  49 

our  pretexts  for  lingering — till  at  last  all  pretences  exhausted — 
with  emotion,  ay,  with  tears  that  would  come,  hands  were  grasped 
— good  wishes  exchanged — and  we  uttered  with  tremulous  voices 
Farewell ! 


CHAPTER   IX. 
THE  SEARCHING. 

"In  medias  res " 

"Floundering  into  rnud  holes " 

"WHO  could  have  dreamed,  my  dear,"  said  Mrs.  C.  to  her 
husband,  "these  forests  so  picturesque  when  seen  from  the  Ohio, 
concealed  such  roads?" 

Mr.  C.  made  no  reply;  although  the  phenomenon  was  cer- 
tainly very  remarkable; — in  fact,  his  idea  about  the  Muses  was 
passing  in  review — and  he  thought,  maybe  after  all,  it  was  some- 
thing else  that  had  echoed  the  flute  notes.  The  lady's  query,  how- 
ever, and  the  gentleman's  silence  occurred  about  thirty  miles 
due  north  of  the  Ohio  River,  in  a  very  new  State  of  the  far  west. 
They  were  seated  in  a  two-horse  Yankee  cart, — a  kind  of  mongrel 
dearborne — amid  what  was  now  called  their  "plunder" — with  a 
hired  driver  on  the  front  seat,  and  intending  to  find,  if  possible,  a 
certain  spot  in  a  very  uncertain  part  of  the  New  Purchase — about 
one  hundred  and  twenty  honest  miles  in  the  interior,  and  beyond 
Shining  River.  This  was  the  second  day  of  practice  in  the 
elementary  lessons  of  forest  travelling;  in  which,  however,  they 
had  been  sufficiently  fortunate  as  to  get  a  taste  of  "buttermilk 
land," — "spouty  land," — and  to  learn  the  nature  of  "mash  land" — 
"rooty  and  snaggy  land"— of  mud  holes,  ordinary  and  extraordi- 
nary— of  quick  sands — and  "corduroys"  woven  single  and  double 
twill — and  even  fords  with  and  without  bottom. 

The  autumn  is  decidedly  preferable  for  travelling  on  the  virgin 
soil  of  native  forests.  One  may  go  then  mostly  by  land  and  find 
the  roads  fewer  and  shorter;  but  in  the  early  spring,  branches — 
(small  creeks) — are  brim  full,  and  they  hold  a  great  deal;  con- 


50  THE  SEARCHING 

cealed  fountains  bubble  up  in  a  thousand  places  where  none  were 
supposed  to  lurk;  creeks  turn  to  rivers,  and  rivers  to  lakes,  and 
lakes  to  bigger  ones;  and  as  if  this  was  too  little  water,  out  come 
the  mole  rivers  that  have  burrowed  all  this  time  under  the  earth, 
and  which,  when  so  unexpectedly  found  are  styled  out  there — 
"lost  rivers!"1  And  every  district  of  a  dozen  miles  square  has  a 
lost  river.  Travelling  by  land  becomes  of  course  travelling  by 
water,  or  by  both :  viz.,  mud  and  water.  Nor  is  it  possible  if  one 
would  avoid  drowning  or  suffocation  to  keep  the  law  and  follow 
the  blazed  road ;  but  he  tacks  first  to  the  right  and  then  to  the  left, 
often  making  both  losing  tacks;  and  all  this,  not  to  find  a  road 
but  a  place  where  there  is  no  road, — untouched  mud  thick  enough 
to  bear,  or  that  has  at  least  some  bottom. 

Genuine  Hoosiers,  Corn-crackers,  et  id  omne  genus — (viz.  all 
that  sort  of  geniuses) — lose  comparatively  little  time  in  this  spe- 
cies of  navigation ;  for  such  know  instinctively  where  it  is  proper 
to  quit  the  submerged  road  of  the  legislature,  and  where  they 
are  likely  to  fulfill  the  proverb  "out  of  the  frying  pan  into  the 
fire."  And  so  we,  at  last,  in  utter  despair  of  finding  royal  road 
to  the  New  Purchase,  did  enter  souse  into  the  most-ill-looking, 
dark-coloured  morasses,  enlivened  by  steams  of  purer  mud  cross- 
ing at  right  angles,  and  usually  much  deeper  than  we  cared  to 
discover. 

The  first  night  we  had  stayed  at  a  "public;"  yet  while  the 
tavern  was  of  brick,  candour  forces  me  to  record  that  affairs 
so  much  resembled  the  hardware  and  crockery  in  their  streaked 
and  greasy  state  after  Messrs.  Brown  &  Co.  had  cleaned  them, 
that  we  were  rejoiced — prematurely  however — when  morning 
allowed  us  half-refreshed  to  resume  our  land  tacking.  But 
more  than  once  afterwards  did  we  sigh  even  for  the  comforts 
of  the  Brick  Tavern,  with  its  splendid  sign  of  the  sun  rising  and 
setting  between  two  partitions  of  paint  intended  for  hills;  and 
which  sun  looked  so  much  like  spreading  rays,  that  a  friend 
soberly  asked  us  afterward — "If  we  didn't  put  up  the  first  night 
at  the  sign  of  the  Fan?" 

1  Lost  river  in  Indiana  runs  west  through  Orange  County,  near  French 
Lick,  emptying  into  the  West  Fork  of  White  (River.  Hall  crossed  it  on 
his  way  to  the  Purchase. 


THE  SEARCHING  51 

It  was  now  after  sunset  on  our  second  day,  that  we  inquired 
with  much  anxiety  at  a  miserable  cabin,  how  far  it  was  to  the 
next  tavern,  and  we  were  answered — "A  smart  bit  yet — maybe 
more  nor  three  miles  by  the  blaze — but  the  most  powerfullest 
road!"  Since  early  morning  we  had,  with  incessant  driving, 
done  nearly  twenty  miles ;  if  then  we  had,  in  a  bad  road,  done  by 
daylight  about  one  and  a  half  miles  per  hour,  how  were  we  likely 
to  do  three  miles  in  the  dark,  and  over  what  a  native  styled — 
the  "most  powerfullest  road  ?"  Hence,  as  the  lady  of  the  cabin 
seemed  kind,  and  more  than  once  expressed  compassion  for  "my 
womin  body" — (so  she  called  Mrs.  C.)  and  as  she  "allowed" 
we  had  better  stop  where  we  were,  with  a  sudden  and  very  re- 
spectful remembrance  of  the  Rising  or  Setting  Fan  Tavern,  we 
agreed  to  halt.  And  so — at  long  last — we  were  going  really 
and  actually  to  pass  a  night  in  a  veritable,  rite-dite,  cabin ! 2 — in 
a  vast  forest  too — and  far  enough  from  all  the  incumbrances  of 
eastern  civilization! 

"And  did  you  not  thrill  Mr.  Carlton?" 

"I  rather  think,  dear  reader, — I  did"; — at  least  I  felt  some 
sort  of  a  shiver;  especially  as  the  gloom  of  the  frightful  shades 
increased;  and  the  deafening  clangour  of  innumerable  rude 
frogs  in  the  mires  and  on  the  trees  arose;  and  the  whirl  and 
hum  and  buzz  of  strange,  savage  insects  and  reptiles,  and  of 
winged  and  unwinged  bugs,  began  and  increased  and  grew  still 
louder;  and  vapours  damp,  chilly  and  foetid  ascended  and  came 
down;  and  the  only  field  in  sight  was  a  few  yards  of  "clearing," 
stuck  with  trunks  of  "deadened"  trees  and  great  stumps  blacken- 
ed with  the  fires !  And  I  think  the  thrill,  or  whatever  it  was, 
grew  more  and  more  intense  on  turning  towards  the  onward 
road,  and  finding  a  suspicion  in  my  mind  that  it  only  led  to  the 
endless  repetition  of  the  agreeable  night  scene  around  us — ah! 
ha! — maybe  so — and  then  came  retrospective  visions  of  friends 
in  the  far  East  now — till — "what?" — I  hardly  know  what — till 
something,  however,  like  a  wish  came,  that  it  were  as  easy  to  float 
up  the  Ohio  as  down.  Heyho! 

Nor  was  the  cabin  a  fac-simile  of  those  built  in  'dreams  and 

2  In  the  second  edition  this  is  spelled  "rity-dity  cabin," — a  true  back- 
woods cabin,  "all  right." 


52  THE  SEARCHING 

novels  and  magazines.  Mine  were  of  bark,  and  as  neat  as  a 
little  girl's  baby  house!  This  had,  indeed,  bark  enough  about, 
but  still  not  put  up  right.  It  was  in  truth  a  barbarous  rectangle 
of  unhewed  and  unbarked  logs,  and  bound  together  by  a  gigantic 
dove-tailing  called  notching.  The  roof  was  thick  ricketty 
shingles,  called  clapboards ;  which  when  clapped  on  were  held 
down  by  longitudinal  poles  kept  apart  by  shorter  pieces  placed 
between  them  perpendicularly.  The  interstices  of  the  log-wall 
were  "chinked" — the  "chinking"  being  large  chips  and  small 
slabs  dipping  like  strata  of  rocks  in  geology ;  and  then  on  the 
chinking  was  the  "daubing" — viz.  a  quant,  suff.  of  yellow  clay 
ferociously  splashed  in  soft  by  the  hand  of  the  architect,  and 
then  left  to  harden  at  its  leisure.  Rain  and  frost  had  here,  how- 
ever, caused  mud  daubing  to  disappear;  so  that  from  without 
could  be  clearly  discerned  through  the  wall,  the  light  of  fire  and 
candle,  and  from  within,  the  light  of  sun,  moon  and  stars — a 
very  fair  and  harmless  tit  for  tat. 

The  chimney  was  outside  the  cabin  and  a  short  distance  from 
it.  This  article  was  built,  as  chaps,  in  raining  weather,  make 
on  the  kitchen  hearth  stick  houses  of  light  wood, — it  consisted 
of  layers  of  little  logs  reposing  on  one  another  at  their  corners 
and  topped  off  when  high  enough  with  flag  stones : — it  was, 
morever,  daubed,  and  so  admirably  as  to  look  like  a  mud  stack! 
That,  however,  was,  as  I  afterwards  found  inartistical — the 
daubing  of  chimneys  correctly  being  a  very  nice  task,  although 
just  as  dirty  as  even  political  daubing. 

The  inside  cabin  was  one  room  below  and  one  loft  above 
— to  which,  however,  was  no  visible  ascent. — I  think  the  folks 
climbed  up  at  the  corner.  The  room  contained  principally  beds, 
the  other  furniture  being  a  table,  "stick  chairs"  and  some  stools 
with  from  two  to  three  legs  apiece.  Crockery  and  calabashes 
shared  the  mantel  with  two  dangerous  looking  rifles  and  their 
powder  horns.  The  iron  ware  shifted  for  itself  about  the  fire 
place,  where  awkward  feet  feeling  for  the  fire  or  to  escape  it, 
pushed  kettle  against  pot  and  skillet  against  dutch  oven. 

What  French  cook  committed  suicide  because  something  was 
not  done  "to  a  turn?"  Ample  poetic  justice  may  be  done  to 
his  wicked  ghost  by  some  smart  writer,  in  chaining  him  with  an 


THE  SEARCHING  53 

iambic  or  two  to  the  jamb  of  that  cabin  hearth — there  for  ever 
to  be  a  witness  of  its  cookery.  Here  came  first  the  pettish  out- 
cries of  two  matron  hens  dangled  along  to  a  hasty  execution; 
then  notes  of  preparation  sung  out  by  the  tea-kettle;  then  was 
jerked  into  position  the  dutch  oven  straddling  with  three  short  legs 
over  the  burning  coals;  and  lastly  the  skillet  began  sputtering 
forth  its  boiling  lard,  or  grease  of  some  description.  The  in- 
struments ready,  the  hostess  aided  by  a  little  barefooted  daughter, 
and  whose  white  hair  was  whisped  at  the  top  of  the  head  with 
a  string  and  horn  comb,  the  hostess  put  into  the  oven,  balls  of 
wet  corn  meal,  and  then  slapped  on  the  lid  red  hot  and  covered 
with  coals,  with  a  look  and  motion  equal  to  this  sentence — "Get 
out  of  that,  till  you're  done."  Then  the  two  fowls,  but  a  moment 
since  kicking  and  screeching  at  being  killed,  were  doused  into  the 
skillet  into  hot  oil,  where  they  moved  around  dismembered,  as  if 
indignant  now  at  being  fried. 

We  travellers  shifted  quarters  repeatedly  during  these  solemn 
operations,  sometimes  to  get  less  heat,  sometimes  more,  and 
sometimes  to  escape  the  fumes  direct ;  but  usually,  to  get  out  of 
the  way.  That,  however,  being  impracticable,  we  at  length  sat 
extempore,  and  were  kicked  and  jostled  accordingly.  In  the 
meanwhile  our  landlady,  in  whom  was  much  curiosity,  a  little 
reverence,  and  a  misty  idea  that  her  guests  were  great  folks,  and 
towards  whom  as  aristocrats  it  was  republican  to  feel  enmity, 
our  landlady  maintained  at  intervals  a  very  lively  talk,  as  for  ex- 
ample : 

"From  Loo'ville,  I  allow !" 

"No— from    Philadelphia." 

A  sudden  pause — a  turn  to  look  at  us  more  narrowly,  while 
she  still  affectionately  patted  some  wet  meal  into  shape  for  the 
oven. 

"Well ! — now ! — I  wonder !— hem ! — Come  to  enter  land,  'spose 
— powerful  bottom  on  the  Shining — heavy  timber,  though.  He's 
your  old  man,  mam?" 

Mrs.  C.  assented.  The  hostess  then  stooped  to  deposit  the 
perfect  ball,  and  continued: 

"Our  wooden  country's  mighty  rough,  I  allow,  for  some  folks 
— right  hard  to  get  gals  here,  mam — folks  has  to  be  their  own 
niggurs,  mam — what  mought  your  name  be?" 


54  THE  SEARCHING 

Mrs.  C.  told  the  lady,  and  then  in  a  timid  and  piteous  sort 
of  tone  inquired  if  girls  could  not  be  hired  by  the  year?  To 
this  the  landlady  replied  at  first  with  a  stare — then  with  a  smile 
— and  then  added: 

"Well !  sort  a  allow  not — most  time,  mam,  you'll  have  to  work 
your  own  ash-hopper" — (viz.  a  lie-cask,  or,  rather,  an  inverted 
pyramidical  box  to  contain  ashes,  resembling  a  hopper  in  a  mill) 
— "Nan" — (name  of  little  flax  head) — "Nan,  sort  a  turn  them 
thare  chickins." 

And  thus  the  cabin  lady  kept  on  doing  up  her  small  stock  of 
English  into  Hoosierisms  and  other  figures ;  now,  with  the  ques- 
tion direct — now,  with  the  question  implied;  then,  with  a  solil- 
oquy— then,  an  apostrophe :  and  all  the  time  cleaning  and  cutting 
up  chickens,  making  pones,  and  working  and  wriggling  among 
pots,  skillets  and  people's  limbs  (  ?)  and  feet,  with  an  adroitness 
and  grace  gained  by  practice  only ;  and  all  this,  without  upsetting 
any  thing,  scalding  any  body,  or  even  spilling  any  food — except- 
ing, maybe,  a  little  grease,  flour  and  salt.  Nor  did  she  lose  time 
by  dropping  down  curtsey  fashion  to  inspect  the  progress  of 
things  baked  or  fried;  but  she  bent  over  as  if  she  had  hinges  in 
the  hips,  according  to  nature  doubtless,  but  contrary  to  the 
Lady's  Book ;  although  the  necessary  backward  motion  to  balance 
the  head  projected  beyond  the  base,  did  render  garments  short 
by  nature  still  shorter,  as  grammarians  would  say,  by  position. 

Corn-bread  takes  its  own  time  to  bake;  and  therefore  it  was 
late  when  the  good  woman,  having  placed  the  "chicken  fixins" 
on  a  large  dinner-plate,  and  poured  over  them  the  last  drop  of 
unabsorbed  and  unevaporated  oil,  set  all  on  the  table,  and  then, 
giving  her  heated  and  perspiring  face  a  last  wipe  with  the  corner 
of  her  tow-linen  apron,  and  also  giving  her  thumb  and  finger 
a  rub  on  the  same  cleanser,  she  sung  out  the  ordinary  summons : 

"Well!  come,  sit  up." 

This  sit-up  we  instantly  performed — as  well,  at  least,  as  we 
could — while  she  stood  up  to  pour  out  the  tea,  complimenting  all 
the  time  its  quality,  saying — "  Tisn't  nun  of  your  spice-wood 
or  yarb  stuff,  but  the  rele  gineine  store  tea."  Nanny  remained 
near  the  dutch  oven  to  keep  us  supplied  with  red-hot  pones,  or 
corn-balls — and  hard  enough  by  the  way,  to  do  execution  from 


THE  SEARCHING  55 

cannon.  The  teacups  used  held  a  scant  pint;  and  to  do  exact 
justice  to  each  cup,  the  mistress  held  the  teapot  in  one  hand  and 
the  water-pot  in  the  other,  pouring  from  both  at  once  till  the 
cup  was  brim-full  of  the  mixture: — an  admirable  system  of  im- 
partiality, and  if  the  pots  had  spouts  of  equal  diameters,  the  very 
way  to  make  precisely  "half  and  half."  But  sorry  am  I  to  say, 
that  on  the  present  occasion,  the  water-pot  had  the  best  and  easiest 
delivery. 

"And  could  you  eat,   Mr.    Carlton?" 

How  could  we  avoid  it,  Mr.  Nice?  Besides,  we  were  most 
vulgarly  hungry.  And  the  consequence  was,  that,  at  the  arrival 
of  the  woodman  and  his  two  sons,  other  corn-bread  was  baked, 
and,  for  want  of  chicken,  bacon  was  fried. 

"But  how  did  you  do  about  retiring?" 

We  men-folks,  my  dear  Miss,  went  out  to  see  what  sort  of 
weather  we  were  likely  to  have;  and  on  coming  in  again,  the 
ladies  were  very  modestly  covered  up  in  bed — and  then  we — 
got  into  bed — in  the  usual  way.  I  have  no  doubt  Mr.  Carlton 
managed  a  little  awkwardly :  but  I  fear  the  reader  will  discover, 
that  in  his  attempts  at  doing  as  Rome  does,  and  so  forth,  Mr. 
Carlton  departed  finally  from  the  native  sweetness  and  simplicity 
of  eastern  and  fashionable  life;  still  we  seemed  to  leave  rather 
an  unfavorable  impression  at  the  cabin,  since,  just  before  our 
setting  out  in  the  morning,  the  landlady  told  the  driver  privately 
— "Well!  I  allow  the  stranger  and  his  woman-body  thinks  them- 
selves mighty  big-bugs — but  maybe  they  aint  got  more  silver 
than  Squire  Snoddy  across  Big  Bean  creek;  and  his  wife  don't 
think  nuthin  on  slinging  round  like  her  gal — but  never  mind, 
maybe  Mrs.  Callten  or  Crawltin,  or  somethin  or  nuther,  will  larn 
how  too." 


CHAPTER  X. 
"The  voice  of  one  crying  in  the  wilderness." 

"Really,   Mr.   Carlton,   unless  you   tell   us   whither  you   are 
travelling  we  will  proceed  no  further." 

And  really  I  could  not  blame  you,  friends,  since,  had  it  not 


56  THE  SEARCHING 

been  for  very  shame  and  impracticability,  we  ourselves,  on  the 
third  morning,  would  have  imitated  Sawney  of  apple-orchard 
memory,  and  "crawled  back  again."  But  I  am  on  the  very 
point  of  telling  as  distinctly  as  possible  about  our  destination — 
and  as  you  have  got  thus  far,  and  have  paid1  (?)  for  the  book, 
you  may  as  well  finish  it. 

We  are  proceeding  as  slowly  as  we  can  in  search  of  the  Glen- 
ville  /Settlement,  a  place  somewhere  in  the  New  Purchase. 
Among  other  persons  we  hope  to  find  there,  my  wife's  mother, 
my  wife's  aunt,  my  wife's  uncle,  and  her  sisters  and  her  brother, 
John  Glenville.  One  of  my  purposes  is  to  become  Mr.  Glen- 
ville's  partner  in  certain  land  speculations,  and  with  him  to  es- 
tablish a  store  and  also  a  tannery.  Of  the  New  Purchase  itself 
we  will  speak  at  large  when  we  reach  that  famous  country — 
famous  in  itself  out  there — and  to  become  so  elsewhere  when 
its  history  is  published.  As  to  Glenville  Settlement  itself,  lofty 
opinions  of  its  elegancies  began  to  fall,  and  misgivings  began 
to  be  felt,  that  its  houses  would  be  found  no  better  than  they 
ought  to  be :  and  in  these  we  were  not  disappointed,  as  the  reader 
may  in  time  discover. 

The  third  night  of  the  Searching  now  approached;  and  we 
had  come  to  a  very  miserable  hut,  a  ferry-house,  on  the  top  of 
a  high  bluff,  and  fully  a  quarter  of  a  mile  from  the  creek  below. 
An  ill-natured  young  girl  was  apparently  the  sole  occupant ;  and 
she,  for  some  reason,  refused  to  ferry  us  over  the  water,  stating, 
indeed,  that  the  creek  could  as  yet  be  forded,  but  giving  us  no 
satisfactory  directions  how  to  find  or  keep  the  ford.  Judge  our 
feelings,  then,  on  getting  to  the  bank,  to  find  a  black,  sullen  and 
swollen  river,  twenty  yards  wide — a  scow  tied  at  the  end  of  the 
road — and  that  road  seeming  to  enter  upon  the  ford,  if  indeed, 
any  ford  was  there!  I  stepped  into  the  boat  and,  with  its  "set- 
ting-pole," felt  for  the  ford;  and  happily  succeeded  in  finding 
the  bottom  when  the  pole  was  let  down  a  little  beyond  six  feet! 

No  house,  except  the  ferry-hut  on  the  bluff  above,  was  on 
this  side  of  the  water  for  many  a  long  and  weary  mile  back ;  and 

1  Persons  that  borrow  this  work,  and  all  who  rent  it  of  some  second 
rate  book-establishment  at  a  ifippenny-"bit  a  volume,  will  of  course  read 
it  through. 


THE  SEARCHING  57 

beyond  the  water  was  a  low,  marshy  and,  at  present,  a  truly 
terrific  beech-wood,  and,  from  its  nature,  known  to  be  necessarily 
uninhabited :  so  that,  unless  we  could  help  ourselves,  nobody  else 
was  likely  to  help.  With  great  difficulty,  therefore,  and  no  small 
danger  from  our  want  of  skill  and  hands  enough,  we  "set"  our- 
selves over  in  the  scow:  and  when  safely  landed  in  the  mud  be- 
yond, we  at  first  determined  to  let  the  boat  go  adrift  as  a  small 
punishment  to  the  villany  of  the  ferry  people ;  but  reflecting  pos- 
sibly some  benighted  persons  might  suffer  by  this  vengeance,  we 
tied  the  scow — (but  of  course  on  the  wrong  side  of  the  river) 
and  splattered  on.  In  half  a  mile,  strange  enough,  we  met  a 
large  party  of  women  and  children,  to  whom  we  told  what  had 
happened  and  what  had  been  done  with  the  scow:  on  which 
they  cordially  thanked  us,  it  being  necessary  for  them  to  cross 
the  river,  and  in  return  assured  us  of  a  better  road  not  very 
far  forward,  and  which  led  to  "a  preacher's"  house,  where  we 
should  find  a  comfortable  home  and  a  welcome  for  the  night. 

What  the  oasis  of  dry  deserts  is,  all  know;  but  the  oasis  of 
waste  woods  and  waters  is — a  clearing  with  its  dry  land  and 
sunlit  opening.  Such  was  now  before  us,  not  indeed  sunlit, — 
for  the  sun  was  long  since  set — such  was  before  us ;  and  in  the 
midst  of  a  very  extensive  clearing  was  not  a  cabin,  but  a  veritable 
two-story  house  of  hewn  and  squared  timbers,  with  a  shingle 
roof  and  smoke  curling  gracefully  upward  from  its  stone  chim- 
ney! Yes,  and  there  were  corncribs,  and  smoke-house,  and 
barn  and  out-houses  of  all  sorts:  and  removed  some  distance 
from  all,  was  the  venerable  cabin  in  a  decline, — the  rude  shell  of 
the  family  in  its  former  chrysalis  state! 

But  our  reception — it  was  a  balm  and  a  cordial.  We  found, 
not  indeed  the  parade  and  elegant  variety  of  the  East,  but  neat 
apartments,  refreshing  fire  after  the  chill  damps  of  the  forest,  a 
parlour  separate  from  the  kitchen,  and  bedrooms  separate  from 
both  and  from  one  another.  There,  too,  if  memory  serves  right, 
were  six  pretty,  innocent  girls — (no  sons  belong  to  the  family) — 
coarsely  but  properly  dressed;  and  who  were  all  modest  and  re- 
spectful to  their  elders  and  superiors — a  very  rare  thing  in  the 
New  Purchases,  and,  since  the  reign  of  Intellect,  a  rarer  thing 
than  formerly  in  most  Old  Purchase  countries.  The  mere  dif- 


58  THE  SEARCHING 

fusion  of  "knowledges,"  without  discipline  of  mind  in  their  at- 
tainment, is  not  so  favourable  to  virtue  and  good  manners  as 
Lyceum  men  think.  Our  six  little  girls  were  mainly  educated 
on  Bible  principles — living  fortunately  in  that  dark  age  when 
every  body's  education  was  not  managed  by  legislatures  and 
taxes.  The  law  administered  by  irreligious  or  infidel  statesmen, 
or  by  selfish  and  sullen  demagogues,  is  ahvays  opposed  to  the 
Gospel. 

No  pains  were  spared  by  the  whole  family  in  our  entertain- 
ment: and  all  was  done  from  benevolence,  as  if  we  were  chil- 
dren and  relatives.  The  Rev.  William  Parsons  and  his  lady, 
our  hosts,  had  never  been  in  the  East,  or  in  any  other  school 
of  the  Humanities;  and  yet  with  exceptions  of  some  prejudices, 
rather  in  favour,  however,  of  the  West  than  against  the  East, 
this  gentlemen  and  lady  both  beautifully  exemplified  the  innate 
power  of  Christian  principles  to  make  men  not  only  kind  and 
generous,  but  courteous  and  polite. 

In  my  dreams  no  oasis  of  this  kind  had  appeared — yet  none  is 
so  truly  lovely  as  that  where  religion  makes  the  desert  and  the 
wilderness  blossom  as  the  rose.  I  have  been  much  in  the  com- 
pany of  clergy  and  laity  both,  and  in  many  parts  of  the  Union, 
and  my  settled  belief  in  consequence  is,  that  the  true  ministers 
of  the  Gospel,  in  spite  of  supposed  characteristical  faults  and  de- 
fects, and  prejudices,  are,  as  a  class,  decidedly  the  very  best  and 
noblest  of  men. 

We  discovered  that  Mr.  Parsons,  like  most  located  and  per- 
manent pastors  of  a  wooden  country,  received  almost  literally 
nothing  for  ecclesiastical  services.  Nay,  Mrs.  Parsons  incidentally 
remarked  to  Mrs.  C.  that  for  seven  entire  years  she  had  never 
seen  together  ten  dollars  either  in  notes  or  silver!  Hence,  al- 
though suspecting  he  would  refuse,  and  fearing  that  the  offer 
might  even  distress  him,  I  could  not  but  sincerely  wish  Mr.  P. 
would  accept  pay  for  our  entertainment:  and  the  offer  was  at 
last  made  in  the  least  awkward  way  possible.  But  in  vain  was 
every  argument  employed  by  me,  that  decorum  would  allow,  to 
induce  his  acceptance — he  utterly  refused,  only  saying: — "My 
dear  young  friend,  pay  it  to  some  preacher  of  the  Gospel,  and 
in  the  same  way  and  spirit,  the  present  service  is  rendered  to 


THE  SEARCHING  59 

you."  And  here,  in  justice  to  ourselves,  we  must  be  permitted 
to  record  that  we  did  most  gladly,  and  on  many  more  occasions 
than  one,  repay  our  debt  to  Mr.  Parsons  in  the  way  enjoined. 

Formerly  it  was  indeed  rare,  that  anyone  in  the  Far  West, 
however,  poor,  a  ferryman  or  a  tavern  keeper,  would  ask  or  take 
if  offered,  a  cent  for  his  services  from  any  man  known  as  a 
preacher.  True,  the  immunity  existed  in  a  few  places  under  a 
belief  that  preachers  ought  not  to  expect  or  receive  the  smallest 
salary ;  and  sometimes  a  preacher  was  actually  questioned  on  that 
point,  and  treated  according  to  his  answer,  but  still  in  the  primitive 
times,  especially  of  the  New  Purchase,  the  vast  majority  of 
woodsmen  would  have  indignantly  scouted  the  thought  of  de- 
manding pay  from  a  preacher,  and  that  whether  he  received  a 
small  stipend  for  his  own  services,  or  as  was  the  common  case, 
nothing.  Once  a  clerical  friend  of  the  author's  travelled  nearly 
one  thousand  miles  in  woods  and  prairies,  and  brought  back  in 
his  inexpressibles-pocket,  the  identical  pecunia  carried  with  him 
for  expenses — viz.  Fifty  Cents !  That,  on  leaving  home,  he  had 
supposed  would  be  enough ; — it  proved  too  much ! 

During  my  Western  sojourn,  I  was  powerfully  impressed 
with  the  importance  and  necessity  of  forming  a  new  Society; 
nor  has  the  notion  been  abandoned  since  leaving  that  country. 
I  have  been  indeed  always  deterred  from  making  the  attempt, 
from  its  internal  difficulty,  from  its  entire  novelty,  and  a  deep 
settled  conviction  of  its  great  unpopularity  the  moment  it  is  an- 
nounced. Indeed,  I  fear  the  thing  is  wholly  impracticable  in 
an  age  when  all  kinds  of  public  instruction  is  gratuitous — and  it 
is  deemed  enough  to  be  honored  with  a  hearing  in  public,  and  to 
hear  the  criticisms  of  audiences  that  all  know  all  things,  and 
even  something  to  boot,  as  well  and  maybe  a  little  better  than 
the  literati  themselves ;  but  so  much  would  my  scheme,  if  adopt- 
ed, do  to  alleviate  the  great  distresses,  anxieties  and  privations  of 
many  very  worthy  clergymen,  that  I  will  venture  to  give  a  hint  of 
the  plan,  even  though  I  may  be  deemed  a  visionary.  The  Society 
I  propose  is  to  bear  this  title: — 

"The-make-congregations-PAY-what-ihey-voluntarily-pROMiSE- 
Society."  For  which  I  shall  only  now  name  one  reason — viz. 
that  most  clergymen  do  perform  all  they  ever  promise — and  of- 


60  THE  SEARCHING 

ten  a  very  great  deal  more.  If  the  Society  is  now  ever  formed  by 
others,  I  must  here  once  for  all,  however,  positively  decline  the 
honour  of  being  one  of  the  travelling  agents — I  can  stand  some 
storms,  but  not  all. 

Certain  wits  sneer  here,  and  reversing  the  Indian's  remark, 
say  "poor  preach — poor  pay ;"  and  please  themselves  with  draw* 
ing  contrasts  between  the  Western  and  the  Eastern  styles  of 
preaching.  But  take  away  libraries  from  our  preachers,  take 
away  the  sympathy  and  the  applause;  make  such  work,  not  with 
small  and  very  often  incompetent  stipends  as  is  the  case  pretty 
generally  here,  but  with  no  salary  whatever;  make  them  work, 
chop  wood,  plough,  ride  day  after  day,  and  night  after  night  in 
dim,  perilous,  endless  wilds;  bid  them  preach  in  the  open  air  or 
between  two  cabins,  or  in  an  open  barn,  or  even  bar-room,  with- 
out notes  or  preparation,  and  all  this  weary,  sick,  jaded;  smoke 
and  suffocate  them  in  a  cold,  cheerless  day,  with  a  fire  not  within 
but  without  the  house,  to  which  the  congregation  repair  during 
the  sermon  in  committees  both  for  heat  and  gossip — do  all  this 
and  we  shall  hear  no  more  of  the  contrast.  And  yet  within  those 
grand  old  woods  you  shall  often  hear  bursts  of  eloquence — 
stirring  appeals — strains  of  lofty  poetry — ay,  the  thundering  of 
resistless  speech,  that  would  move  and  entrance  through  all 
their  length  and  breadth  the  cushioned  seats  of  our  bedizzened 
churches!  True,  as  a  whole,  even  such  discourses  may  not  do 
to  print.  What  then?  Is  a  sermon  the  best  adapted  to  be 
spoken,  always  the  best  to  be  printed?  Does  not  the  patent 
steam  press  squeeze  the  very  life  and  soul  out  of  most  sermons? 
Granted  that  the  notes  of  a  preacher  may  be  printed  as  the  notes 
of  a  musician — still  that  preacher  himself  must  be  present  to 
makes  his  notes  speak  forth  the  latent  sense — and  if  he  find  not 
the  sense  and  spirit  there  he  expected — to  put  them  there  at  the 
impulse  of  the  moment.  The  very  Reverend  Lord  Bishop  Bal- 
timore— 

"Mr.  Carlton! — we  are  impatient  to  continue  the  search  for 
Glenville." 

Oh!  yes — true — true! — advance  we  then  to  a  new  chapter. 


CHAPTER   XI. 

/Cum  subito  e  sylvis,  macie  confecta  suprema 
Ignoti  nova  forma  viri,  miserandaque  cultu. 
Respicimas :  dira  illuvies,  immissaque  barba, 
Consertum  tegmen  spinis. 

On  the  morning  of  the  fourth  day,  about  ten  o'clock,  A.  M., 
we  emerged  from  the  forest  upon  a  clearing  one  mile  in  length, 
and  a  half  mile  in  breadth :  and  nearly  in  its  centre  stood  Wood- 
ville,  the  capital  of  the  New  Purchase — a  village  just  hewed  and 
hacked  out  of  the  woods,  fresh,  rough  and  green.  And  this  iden- 
tical town,  reader,  is,  we  are  informed,  somewhere  about  twenty 
miles  from  Glenville — unless  in  the  contraction  of  the  roads  in 
dry  seasons,  when  the  distance  is  variously  estimated  at  from 
sixteen  to  nineteen  miles.  And  as  we  have  a  letter  of  introduc- 
tion to  Dr.  Sylvan  of  the  capital,  and  shall  remain  here  an  hour, 
it  seems  the  very  time  to  describe  Woodville,  in  and  about  which, 
as  the  centre  of  our  orbit,  we  moved  for  nearly  eight  years. 

Woodville  was  now  almost  three  years  old;  large,  however, 
for  its  age,  and  dirty  as  an  undisciplined,  neglected  urchin  of  the 
same  years,  and  rough  as  a  motherless  cub.  It  was  the  destined 
seat  of  a  University:  hence  when  Mind  whose  remarkable  tramp 
was  now  being — (hem!) — heard,  halted  here  in  its  march  some 
years  after,  in  the  shape  of  sundry  learned  and  great  men,  we 
were  all  righted  up,  licked  into  shape  and  clarified.  But  to  day, 
never  were  strange  animals  so  stared  at,  walked  around  and 
remarked  upon  near  at  hand  by  the  brave,  and  peeped  at  by  the 
modest  and  timid,  from  chinks  and  openings,  as  were  we,  tame 
and  civilized  bipeds,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  C.,  by  our  fellow-creatures  of 
Woodville.  Why,  we  could  not  then  conjecture — unless  be- 
cause Mr.  C.  wore  a  coat  and  was  shaved — or  because  Mrs.  C. 
had  on  no  cap,  and  a  cap  there  was  worn  by  all  wives  old  and, 
young — a  sign  in  fact  of  the  conjugal  relation — and  so  it  was 
"suspicioned"  if  Mrs.  C.  was  not  my  wife,  she  ought  to  be. 
N.  B.  The  caps  most  in  vogue  then  were  made  of  dark,  coarse, 
knotted  twine,  like  a  cabbage  net — and  were  worn  expressly  as 
the  wives  themselves  said — "to  save  slicking  up  every  day,  and  to 
hide  dirt!" 


62  THE  SEARCHING 

But  here  comes  Dr.  Sylvan,  and  we  must  introduce  him. 
First,  however,  be  it  understood  that  Woodville  even  then,  had 
two  classes,  the  superior  and  the  inferior;  the  former  shaved 
once  a  week,  the  latter  once  in  two  weeks,  or  thereabouts.  At 
our  first  meeting,  which  was  accidental,  I  was  at  a  loss  where 
to  class  my  friend ;  and  had  we  not  already  acquired  some  art  in 
decyphering  character  by  studying  the  countenance  and  the 
mien,  and  not  by  looking  at  the  dress,  or  rather  the  want  of  it, 
we  should  have  fallen  into  a  great  mistake  about  this  true 
Christian  and  gentleman. 

Shoes  he  wore,  it  is  true — but  one  a  coarse  cow-hide  laced 
boot,  the  other  a  calf-skin  Jefferson,  or  some  other  presidential 
name.  And  this  latter  was  well  blacked,  though  not  shiney ;  but 
the  cow-hide  had  been  too  stiff,  stubborn  and  greasy,  to  receive 
its  portion.  Above  the  Jefferson  was  a  stockingless  ancle — 
presumptive,  and  even  a  fortiori  evidence  that  the  ancle  in  the 
boot  was  in  a  natural  condition.  Coat  he  wore  none;  but  he 
had  on  a  Kentucky-jean  vest,  open  to  its  lowest  button,  and  al- 
lowing the  display  of  a  reddish-yellow  flannel  shirt  bosom,  his 
arms  being  encased  in  sleeves  of  thick  cotton  something,  and 
all  unembroidered.  As  a  rare  extravagance,  and  which  placed 
him  in  the  aristocratic  class  of  democrats,  the  Doctor  wore,  not 
carried,  a  pocket-handkerchief;  and  he  wore  it  circumambient, 
the  cotton  bandana  going  over  one  shoulder,  and  under  the  op- 
posite afm,  and  then  both  ends  met  and  were  tied  just  above 
his  os  femoris.  This  luxury,  however,  was  used  only  as  "a 
sweat  rag,"  and  not  as  "a  nose-cloth," — delicate  names  applied 
appropriately  to  a  handkerchief,  as  it  was  employed  to  wipe  off 
perspiration  or  to  blow  the  nose.  As  to  the  Doctor's  nose,  it 
was,  in  its  necessities,  most  cruelly  pinched  and  twisted  between 
his  finger  and  thumb;  and  these  were  then  wiped  on  the  rag  just 
mentioned — on  the  plan  of  the  man  that  topped  the  candle  with 
his  fingers,  and  then  deposited  the  burnt  wick  in  the  snuffers. 
The  operation  was  certainly  performed  with  great  skill,  yet  it 
seemed  unnatural  at  the  time;  and  it  was  not  till  I  had  seen  the 
governor  himself  in  a  stump  speech,  and  the  judge  on  the  bench, 
perform  the  same  instinctively  and  involuntarily,  that  I  came  to 
regard  the  affair  as  natural,  and  to  conclude  that,  after  all,  hand- 
kerchiefs were  nothing  more  than  civil  conveniences. 


THE  SEARCHING  63 

Such  was  the  leaden  casket — the  outer  man ;  but  reader,  within 
was  a  rare  jewel.  With  a  little  fixing,  this  gentleman  would 
easily  have  adorned  and  delighted  the  best  company  in  the  best 
places.  He  was  a  brave  soldier,  an  able  statesman,  and  a  skilful 
physician;  and  if  not  learned,  he  was  extensively  and  even  pro- 
foundly read  in  his  favourite  studies,  medicine  and  politics.  His 
person,  disfigured  even  by  his  dress,  was  uncommonly  fine,  his 
countenance  prepossessing,  and  his  conversation  easy,  pleasant, 
and  instructive.  In  the  legislative  assemblies  he  was  highly  re- 
spected, and  often  his  influence  there  was  unbounded;  and  hap- 
pily that  influence  was  usually  well  directed.  The  Doctor,  in 
short,  would  have  graced  the  halls  at  Washington.  As  a  hus- 
band and  a  father,  no  man  was  ever  more  affectionate;  and  as  a 
physician,  none  more  kind,  tender,  and  anxious — indeed  he  not 
only  prescribed  for  a  patient,  but,  as  far  as  possible,  nursed  him. 
A  little  more  moral  courage  would  have  made  Dr.  Sylvan  a  still 
more  valuable  friend.  It  was  strange,  however,  that  so  brave 
a  man  in  the  field,  should  have  been  occasionally  cowed  in  the 
presence  of  political  foes — but  so  it  was;  and  this  was  the  only 
material  blemish  in  a  man  otherwise  good,  noble,  and  generous.1 

Other  citizens  may  be  introduced  hereafter;  at  present,  we 
shall  speak  of  Woodville  itself.  This  was,  as  has  been  stated, 
the  capital  of  the  New  Purchase — the  name  of  a  tract  of  land 
very  lately  bought  from  the  Indians,  or  the  Abor'rejines,  as  the 
Ohio  statesman  had  just  then  named  them,  in  his  celebrated 
speech  in  the  legislature: — "Yes,  Mr.  Speaker,  yes  sir,"  said  he, 
"I'd  a  powerful  sight  sooner  go  into  retiracy  among  the  red,  wild 
Abor'rejines  of  our  wooden  country,  nor  consent  to  that  bill." 
The  territory  lay  between  the  north  and  south  Shining  Rivers — 
called  sometimes  the  Shinings,  sometimes  the  Shineys,  from  the 
purity  of  the  waters  and  the  brightness  of  the  sands — and  it 
contained  fine  land,  well  timbered  and  rolling.  The  white  popula- 
tion was  very  sparse,  and  mainly  very  poor  persons,  very  illiter- 
ate, and  very  prejudiced,  with  all  the  virtues  and  vices  belonging 
to  woodsmen.  Among  them  were  very  few,  indeed  scarcely  any, 

a  This  reflection  on  Dr.  Sylvan,  as  well  as  the  hit  on  another  page  was 
probably  because  in  a  subsequent  difficulty  between  Hall  and  President 
Wylie,  Dr.  Sylvan  did  not  support  Hall  or  approve  of  his  course. 


64  THE  SEARCHING 

persons  born  east  of  the  mountains;  and  our  community  was  a 
pure  Western  one — men  of  the  remote  West  being  by  far  the 
majority  of  the  settlers. 

As  a  tribe,  the  Indians  had  themselves  "gone  into  retiracy," 
away  beyond  the  great  father  of  waters;  yet  many  lingered  in 
their  favourite  hunting-grounds  and  around  the  graves  of  war- 
riors and  chieftains;  and  we  often  met  them  in  the  lonely  parts 
of  the  wilderness,  seemingly  dejected;  and  now  and  then  they 
came  gliding  like  sad  spectres  into  Woodville.  The  town  itself 
stood  on  the  site  of  their  own  wigwam  village.  Here  they  spent 
hour  after  hour,  with  unerring  arrows  splitting  apples  and  knock- 
ing off  six-pences  some  fifty  or  eighty  yards  distant;  and  once 
when  taunted  for  want  of  skill,  on  assurance  of  immunity,  they 
gratified  and  surprised  us  by  sending  two  arrows  against  the 
ball  of  the  court-house  steeple,  fully  seventy  feet  high,  and  with 
force  enough  to  leave  two  holes  in  its  gilt  sides — and  these,  the 
Doctor  writes  me,  remain  to  this  day.2 

The  grand  building  then  was  this  very  court-house.  Its  order 
of  architecture  I  never  ascertained — it  was,  however,  most  cer- 
tainly a  pile.  The  material  was  brick  of  a  fever-colour;  the 
building  being  kept  under  and  down  by  the  steeple  just  named, 
which  topped  off  with  its  gilded  ball  and  spire,  straddled  the 
roof,  determined  to  keep  the  ascendency.  The  vane  was  an  un- 
commonly wise  one,  utterly  refusing,  like  earthly  weathercocks 
and  demagogues,  to  turn  about  by  every  wind ;  and  yet  when  in  the 
humour  it  whirled  about  just  as  it  pleased,  and  without  any  wind 
— emblem  of  our  hunters  and  woodsmen,  who  seemed  to  like 
the  vane  for  its  very  inconsistency  and  independence.  From  the 
road  or  street  a  double  door  opened  immediately  into  the  court- 
room. This  was  paved  all  over  with  brick,  to  cool  the  bare  feet 
in  summer,  and  in  winter  to  bear  the  incessant  stamping  of  feet 
shod  with  bull-skin  boots  armed  to  the  centre  of  the  sole  with 
enormous  heels,  and  with  the  sole  and  all  fortified  with  rows  of 

2  At  the  top  of  the  steeple  above  the  old  court  house  in  Bloomington 
there  were  a  ball  and  cup  above  a  large  brass  fish.  The  editor  has  heard 
old  settlers  tell  of  seeing  the  Indians  shoot  their  arrows  at  the  fish  and 
cup  fully  as  high  as  Mr.  Hall  indicates.  The  old  court  house  was  not  re- 
placed by  a  new  one  till  1907. 


THE  SEARCHING  65 

shingle  nails: — four  such  feet  were  equal  to  one  rough-shod 
horse.  The  pave  was,  of  course,  dust  sometimes,  sometimes 
mortar.  Each  side  the  door  and  within  the  room  were  stairs. 
These  were  deflected  from  a  perpendicular  just  enough  to  rest  at 
the  top,  like  a  ladder  to  a  new  building  in  a  city;  so  that  we 
climbed,  ladder-like,  to  our  second  story,  where  several  rooms 
were  found  well  finished  and  convenient  for  their  uses — the  sole 
excellency  in  the  structure. 

West  from  this  citadel  of  justice  was  the  guardian  of  liberty — 
the  jail;  the  close  vicinity  of  the  two  reminding  one  forcibly  of 
a  doctor's  shop  adjoining  a  grave-yard.  This  keep,  in  its  con- 
struction, was  in  imitation  of  a  conjuror's  series  of  box  within 
box;  for  first  was  an  exterior  brick  house,  and  then  within  it 
another  house  of  hewed  logs.  No  wall,  however,  surrounded 
the  prison;  hence,  from  its  only  cell  prisoners  used,  through  a 
little  grated  window  open  to  the  public  square,  to  converse  un- 
restrained with  their  friends  or  attorneys.  The  consequence 
uniformly  was  a  very  magical  trick,  the  exact  reverse  of  what 
happened  with  the  wizard  boxes:  for  while  the  piece  of  silver 
conjured  from  your  fingers  would  most  miraculously  be  found 
in  the  very  last  of  the  indwelling  series,  the  condemned  thief  or 
murderer  safely  caged  in  our  interior  cell,  at  the  very  moment  the 
officers  wished  him  to  come  and  be  hung,  or  some  other  exalta- 
tion, lo !  and  behold !  then  and  there — the  criminal  was  not !  And 
at  every  renewal  of  this  curious  trick,  which  was  two  or  three 
times  a  year,  we  were  as  much  amazed  as  ever! 

Getting  out  was  still  a  little  troublesome,  more  so  at  least  than 
not  getting  in;  and  so  a  rowdy  school-master  of  the  Purchase, 
against  whom  were  charges  of  assault  and  battery,  used  this 
preventive.  He  had  given  bail  for  his  appearance,  but  the  day 
before  the  trial  the  following  was  inserted  in  our  Woodville 
paper — the  "Great  Western  Republican  Democrat:"— 

"Melancholy. — The  body  corporate  of  Mr.  Patrick  Erin, 
school-master  of  Harman's  Bottom,  was  found  lodged  in  some 
brush  below  the  log  across  Shelmire's  Creek.  It  is  known  he 
left  town  yesterday  in  a  state  of  intoxicated  inebriety,  and  with 
a  jug  of  the  creature,  so  that  as  he  tried  to  cross  in  the  great  fresh 
he  slipped  off  and  was  drowned." 


66  THE  SEARCHING 

Accounts,  indictments,  charges,  and  so  on,  were  all  quashed — 
and  then  the  day  after  Mr.  Patrick  Erin,  that  was  lately  drowned, 
or  somebody  exactly  like  him,  was  reeling  about  the  court-yard, 
pretty  well  corned,  to  the  amazement  of  all,  judge,  grand  jury, 
and  citizens.  The  scamp  had  written  the  "Melancholy"  for  the 
paper  himself, — and  for  that  time  escaped  all  prosecutions. 

Churches  at  the  era  of  the  Searching,  if  by  a  church  be  meant 
according  to  certain  syllogisms  in  school  logic,  "a  building  of 
stone,"  did  not  grace  our  capital.  But  if  by  church  we  under- 
stand "a  congregation,"  then  churches  were  as  plenty  as  private 
houses.  We  numbered  five  hundred  citizens,  and  these  all  be- 
longed to  some  one  or  more  of  our  Ten  Religious  Sects — hence 
almost  every  house-keeper  had  a  "meeting"  of  his  own  and  in 
his  own  dwelling.  I  fear  we  were  in  all  things  too  superstitious, 
and  that  some  of  us  worshiped  an  unknown  God.  Indeed  most 
that  was  done  at  most  of  our  meetings,  was  to  revile  others  and 
glorify  ourselves.  Judge,  however,  reader,  of  the  nature  of  our 
fanacticism  by  an  instance  or  two  that  occurred  when  I  resided 
afterwards  in  Woodville.  I  had  a  neighbour  who  conducted 
private  prayer,  not  by  entering  his  closet  and  shutting  the  door, 
but  by  opening  his  doors  and  windows,  and  praying  so  awfully 
loud,  that  we  could  distinctly  hear  and  see  him  too,  from  our 
house  distant  from  his  a  full  half-furlong.  But  again,  some  ex- 
tra saints,  wishing  to  worship  on  a  high  place,  used  to  resort  to 
the  top  of  the  court-house  steeple!  A  peculiar  grumble  repeat- 
edly heard  thence  several  evenings  in  succession,  just  after  sun- 
set, induced  several  profane  persons  to  clamber  up  to  ascertain 
the  cause — and  there,  sure  enough,  were  the  steeple  saints  away 
up  towards  heaven,  at  their  devotions! — pity  they  ever  came 
down  to  earth  again — they  fell  away  from  grace  afterwards,  and 
died,  I  fear,  and  made  no  sign! 

Household  churches  are  sometimes  very  unfavourable  to  de- 
votion and  elocution,  especially  if  children  belong  to  the  estab- 
lishment. If  such,  indeed,  are  of  the  class  mammilla,  they  may 
be  nursed  into  order:  but  no  apples,  cookies,  maple-sugar,  little 
tin  cups  and  hardware  mugs  of  milk  or  spring  water,  can  keep 
quiescent  those  that  are  independent  of  the  milky  way.  True, 
they  are  at  last  captured,  after  eluding  a  dozen  hands,  and  laugh- 


THE  SEARCHING  67 

ing  at  nods,  frowns,  and  twisted  faces,  are  then  hurried  out, 
kicking  away  at  the  air  and  knocking  off  a  sun-bonnet  or  two  near 
the  door-way — but  then  the  "screamer!" — and  this  followed  by 
the  clamour  between  the  belligerents  outside — she  administering 
a  slapping  dose  of  the  wise  man's  prescription,  and  it  exclaiming, 
indignant  and  outrageous  at  the  medicine! 

In  one  house  where  we  often  went  to  meeting,  the  owner 
annoyed  in  the  week  by  customers  leaving  an  inner  door  open, 
posted  up  within  the  room  and  on  that  door  the  following,  and  in 
large  letters: 

"If  you  please,  shut  the  door,  and  if  you  don't  please — shut  it 
any  how !" 

The  preacher  did  not  seem  greatly  disturbed  at  the  first  glance 
— but  alas ! — my  weak  thoughts  wandered  away  to  the  apostolic 
churches  somewhere,  and  fancied  the  surprise  of  clergy  and  laity, 
if  by  any  modern  miracle,  this  ingenious  caution  had,  late  on  Sat- 
urday night,  taken  the  place  of  certain  golden  inscriptions ! 

The  universal  address  on  entering  a  house,  after  a  premonitory 
rap  or  kick  at  the  door,  was — "Well !  who  keeps  house  ?"  It  was 
a  kind  of  visiting  appogiatura  to  smooth  the  abruptness  of  in- 
gress. Once  in  a  domestic  meeting,  we  were  listening  devoutly 
to  the  preacher,  when  a  neighbour  came,  for  the  first  time  indeed, 
but  by  express  invitation,  to  our  meeting;  and  after  tying  his 
horse,  putting  the  stirrups  over  the  saddle  and  pulling  down  his 
tow-linen  trowsers,  he  advanced  to  the  house  and  startled  both 
minister  and  people  by  administering  a  smart  prefatory  rap  to 
the  door  cheek,  and  drawling  out  in  a  slow,  but  very  loud  tone, 
the  usual  formula — "W-e-11 — who — keeps — house?" — when  he 
squeezed  in  among  us  and  took  a  seat  as  innocent  as  a  babe. 
Query  for  casuists — Is  it  always  sinful  to  laugh  in  meeting? 

One  more,  dear  reader,  from  our  string  of  onions,  and  we 
suspend  at  present  the  ecclesiastical  history.  A  hostess  who  had 
a  church  in  her  house,  found  her  dinner  often  delayed  by  the 
length  of  the  services,  and  therefore  insisted  that  a  friend  of 
mine,  who  was  the  preacher,  should  shorten  the  exercises,  which 
occasioned  the  following  colloquy: 

"Sister  Nancy,  we  must  not  starve  our  souls." 

"Well,  I  allow  we'll  starve  our  bodies  then!" 


68  THE  SEARCHING 

"By  no  means,  sister,  is  that  necessary — " 

"Well — how  in  creation  is  a  body  to  have  dinner  if  a  body 
aint  time  cook  it?" 

"Well,  sister,  as  soon  as  you  hear  amen  to  the  sermon — clap 
on  the  pot!" 

Sister  Nancy  ever  after  obeyed,  and  so  the  pork,  cabbage,  and 
all  that  constitute  a  regular  Sunday  mess,  were  bubbling  away 
in  the  prophet's  pot  about  the  time  the  final  hymns,  prayers,  ex- 
hortations, and  other  appendices  to  the  regular  worship  were 
ended : — a  beautiful  verification  of  the  remark,  that  "some  things 
can  be  done  as  well  as  others,"  and,  as  may  be  added,  at  the  very 
same  time  too. 

As  to  our  private  edifices,  the  description  of  one  will  aid  an 
ordinary  imagination  to  picture  the  rest.  And  we  select  Dr. 
Sylvan's ;  he  being  of  the  magnates,  and  his  house  being  builded 
by  special  order. 

This  domicile  was  of  burnt  clay,  rough  as  a  nutmeg  grater, 
and  of  no  decided  brick  shape  or  colour — each  apparently  having 
been  patted  into  form,  and  freckled  in  the  drying.  It  was  a  story 
and  a  fraction  high,  and  fastened  at  one  end  to  a  wing  containing 
the  shop.  Here  we  kept  "the  doctor-stuff,"  and  also  the  skeleton 
of  Red  Fire,  an  Indian  chief,  about  whom  the  reader  may  ex- 
pect a  story  in  due  time.  Here  too  was  the  doctor's  rifle  and  all 
his  hunter's  apparel:  for,  once  or  twice  a  year,  our  "Medicine" 
put  on  his  leather  breeches,  his  leggins,  his  moccasins,  his  hunt- 
ing shirt,  and  fur  cap,  and  with  that  long  and  ponderous  rifle  on 
his  shoulder,  shot-pouch  and  powder-horn  at  his  hip,  and  toma- 
hawk and  knife  in  the  belt,  off  went  he  to  the  uninhabited  part 
of  the  wilds.  There  he  continued  alone  for  days  and  even 
weeks — killing  deer,  and  turkeys,  and  bears,  &c.,  and  camping 
out ;  stoutly  and  conscientiously  maintaining  all  was  for  the  good 
of  his  health,  while  it  supplied  him  at  a  small  expense  with  fresh 
meat.  My  heart  always  warmed  towards  this  genuine  and  noble 
woodsman  thus  apparelled!  oh!  the  measureless  gulf  between 
this  Man  and  the  Thing  with  curled  hair,  kid  gloves,  and  anointed 
head ! — the  curious,  bipedalic  civet-cat  of  the  East.  I  plead  guilty, 
reader,  tp  a  spirit  of  Nimrod  and  Ramrodism — ay!  again  could 
I  at  times,  shutting  my  eyes  to  the  bitter  past;  again  could  I 


THE  SEARCHING  69 

exchange  my  now  solitary  native  land  for  the  cabin  and  the 
woods !  Alas !  the  doctor's  age  would  now  forbid  our  occasional 
hunts  together — and  Ned  Stanley  and  Domore 

"Go  on  with  the  doctor's  house,  Mr.  Carlton." 

Well,  on  the  first  floor  were  two  rooms,  and  connected  with 
a  Lilliputian  half-story  kitchen  forming  an  L  as  near  as  possible. 
Between  house  proper  and  kitchen  was  the  dining-room,  a  mag- 
nificent hall  eight  feet  wide  by  six  feet  long,  with  a  door  on  each 
side  opening  into — vacancy ; — threats  to  put  steps  to  the  doors  made 
two  or  three  times  a  year  with  great  spirit  being  never  executed. 
Indeed,  at  last,  Mrs.  Sylvan  herself  declared  to  Mr.  Carlton,  that 
"there  was  no  use  in  steps,  any  way,  as  the  children  were  mighty 
spry,  and  the  grown  folks  had  got  used  to  it."  And  to  tell 
the  truth,  the  little  bodies  did  climb  up  and  down  like  lamp- 
lighters ;  and  I  certainly  never  heard  of  more  than  half  a  dozen 
accidents  to  grown  folks,  owing  to  those  stepless  doors  all  the 
while  of  our  sojourn  in  the  Purchase.  Nor  was  the  space  for 
eating  any  inconvenience  in  a  country  where  families  rarely  all 
sat  at  the  same  time  to  the  table,  but  came  to  their  feed  in  squads. 

The  two  rooms  named  contained  each  several  beds,  couches 
by  night,  and  settees  by  day.  Indeed,  even  when  the  doctor's 
lady — (an  accident  that  occurred  maybe  once  in  two  years) — 
was  confined  by  a  slight  illness  to  her  bed  in  the  day-time,  citizens 
of  all  sexes  on  visits  of  friendship  or  business,  might  be  seen  very 
gravely  and  decorously  seated  on  the  side  and  foot  of  madame's 
bedstead,  knitting  or  talking 

"Oh!  fye!" 

Ladies,  it  was  unavoidable;  and  not  more  surprising  than 
when  French  Ladies  admit  exquisites  of  the  worthier  gender  to 
aid  at  their  toilette.  How  much  of  the  person  may  be  exposed 
in  stage  dancing  and  French  toilettes,  we  have  never  been  well- 
bred  enough  to  ascertain;  but  in  Mrs.  Sylvan's  levee  nothing,  I 
do  know,  could  be  discerned,  save  the  tip  of  the  nose  and  the  frill 
of  the  cap. 

From  the  rooms  doors  apiece  opened  into  the  street;  and  as 
these  were  very  rarely  ever  shut,  summer  or  winter,  the  whole 
house  may  be  said  to  have  been  out  of  doors.  In  fact,  as  the 
chimneys  were  awfully  given  to  smoking,  it  was  usually  as  com- 


70  THE  SEARCHING 

fortless  within  the  rooms  as  without.  But  in  each  of  the  small 
rooms  a  large  space  was  cut  off  in  one  corner  for  a  staircase; 
each  stairway  leading  to  separate  dormitories  in  the  fractional 
story — the  dormitories  being  kept  apart,  as  well  as  could  be  done, 
by  laths  and  plaster.  Often  wondering  at  this  dissocial  wall  up- 
stairs, I  once  inquired  of  Mrs.  Sylvan  what  it  was  for,  who 
answered, 

"Oh !  sir,  I  had  it  done  on  purpose " 

"On   purpose! — it   wasn't   accidental,   then?" 

"Law !  bless  you,  no ! — it  was  to  keep  the  boys  and  girls  apart." 

Now  where,  pray,  had  modesty  in  the  far  east  ever  built  for 
her  two  staircases  and  a  plastered  wall,  and  to  the  discomfort 
of  a  whole  family?  Yet,  vain  care!  The  boys  had  perforated 
the  partition  with  peep-holes;  but  these  were  kept  plugged  by 
the  girls  on  their  side  with  tow,  so  that  their  own  consent  was 
necessary  to  the  use  of  said  apertures.  Still  I  was  told  the 
syringes  from  the  shop  were  often  used  on  both  sides  of  the 
wall,  to  give  illustrations  and  lessons  in  hydraulics,  little  perhaps 
to  edification,  but  very  much  to  the  fun  of  both  squirters  and 
squirted :  proof  that  even  among  Hoosiers  and  sll  other  wild  men, 
"love  laughs  at  locksmiths." 

South  of  Woodville  (distance  according  to  the  weather), 
and  in  the  very  edge  of  the  forest,  were,  at  this  time,  two  un- 
finished brick  buildings,  destined  for  the  use  of  the  future  Uni- 
versity.3 As  we  passed  to-day  in  our  vehicle,  the  smaller  house 

8  It  has  been  difficult  to  ascertain  the  year  of  Hall's  journey  down  the 
Ohio  and  to  the  Purchase.  It  was  probably  in  1823.  His  description  of 
his  journey  from  New  Albany  indicates  that  it  was  in  the  spring  of  the 
year.  The  Board  of  Trustees  of  the  State  Seminary  located  its  site  on 
June  15,  1820.  The  buildings  were  let  to  contract  on  March  22,  1822, 
after  the  sale  of  some  lands.  The  "two  unfinished  brick  buildings"  which 
Hall  mentions  in  this  passage  were  probably  under  roof  when  Hall  passed 
through  Bloomington  (Woodville)  on  his  original  journey  to  Glenville 
when  he  first  met  Dr.  Maxwell.  This  is  indicated  by  the  fact  that  an 
order  was  passed  by  the  Board  on  January  n,  1823,  allowing  a  bill  to 
David  Batterton  for  tin  guttering.  These  facts,  as  from  the  record,  are 
taken  from  an  old  manuscript  marked  "Old  Record"  and  "Notes  on  the 
New  Purchase,"  containing  data  which,  obviously,  have  been  taken  from 
the  Records  of  the  Seminary  Trustees.  These  early  Records  have  been 
lost ;  they  were  probably  burned  in  the  University  fire  of  1884.  This  date 
for  Hall's  journey  (1823)  is  not  consistent  with  some  later  passages  in 
his  book.  He  may  have  come  to  Indiana  in  1822  and  this  description  may 
relate  to  the  buildings  as  he  saw  them  on  a  later  visit  to  Bloomington. 
He  was  elected  to  teach  in  the  Seminary  in  November,  1823. 


THE  SEARCHING  71 

was  crammed  with  somebody's  hay  and  flax ;  while  the  larger  was 
pouring  forth  a  flock  of  sheep — a  very  curious  form  for  a  college 
to  issue  its  parchments — which  innoxious  graduates  paused  a 
moment  to  stare,  possibly  at  a  future  trustee,  and  then  away  they 
bounded,  a  torrent  of  wild  wool,  to  the  shelter  of  the  woods. 

The  larger  edifice  was  called  Big  College.  Its  site  was  a  beau- 
tiful eminence ;  but  it  was  no  more  fit  for  a  college  than  any  other 
moderately  large  two-story  double  house.  The  other  edifice  was 
for  the  "master,"  and  called,  very  appropriately,  Little  College; 
being  a  snivelling,  inconvenient  thing,  like  those  in  Pewterplatter- 
alley,  ranged  each  side  a  gutter, — the  whole  fragrance  and  pros- 
pect!  We  shall  resume  this  subject,  saying  only  now  that  a 
most  sumptuous  area  had  been  already  marred  by  the  ignorance 
and  paltry  cupidity  of  planners  and  builders ;  and  among  other 
irremediable  evils,  not  a  grove  of  forest  trees  had  been  left 
standing  in  the  campus. 

Excellent  lands  adjacent  to  the  college  site  had  been  given 
by  the  Federal  Government  for  its  foundation;  the  judicious 
sale  of  which,  and  also  of  other  fine  lands  elsewhere  seated,  it 
was  thought  would  create  a  fund  of  nearly  200,000  dollars  4 :  but, 

4  In  the  Enabling  Act  of  Congress  (April  19,  1816)  by  which  the 
people  of  Indiana  were  authorized  to  elect  a  convention  to  form  a  State 
constitution,  preparatory  to  statehood,  certain  donations  were  granted  to 
the  prospective  .State.  Among  these  was  one  entire  township  of  land  for 
the  use  of  a  seminary  of  learning,  which  is  known  as  the  Indiana  Univer- 
sitiy  land  grant.  President  Madison  designated  Perry  township,  Monroe 
County,  on  the  southern  edge  of  Bloomington,  as  the  seminary  town- 
ship. From  the  sale  of  these  lands  was  derived  the  early  small  endow- 
ment of  Indiana  University.  The  sale  was  made  too  early  for  profitable 
returns.  The  first  constitution  of  the  State  (1816)  provided  that  no  lands 
granted  for  the  use  of  schools  or  seminaries  should  be  sold  prior  to  1820, 
but  sales  were  promoted  rapidly  at  low  price  soon  after  this  date.  On 
Jan.  22,  1822  the  Indiana  General  Assembly  authorized  the  sale  of  the 
seminary  lands  in  Gibson  county  belonging  to  Vincennes  University,  and 
the  proceeds  of  these  sales  were  turned  to  the  State  Seminary  at  Bloom- 
ington, on  the  ground  that  the  Vincennes  University  Trustees,  by  neglect 
and  failure  to  meet,  had  permitted  the  corporation  to  lapse  and  die. 
Vincennes  University  had  been  chartered  by  the  Territorial  Legislature 
of  Indiana  in  1806.  Congress  in  1804  had  granted  Indiana  Territory  a 
township  of  land  for  a  seminary  of  learning  and  Albert  Gallatin,  Jeffer- 
son's Secretary  of  the  Treasury,  selected  for  this  use  a  township  located 


73  THE  SEARCHING 

until  that  easy-natured  and  rather  soft-pated  old  gentleman,  Uncle 
Sam,  shall,  at  the  time  of  his  gifts,  prescribe  plans  and  times  of 
commencing  colleges,  and  make  restrictions  to  obtain  for  some 
twenty-five  or  thirty  years  after  the  opening  of  the  institutions, 
and  himself  appoint  a  portion  of  the  trustees  (non-residents 
even  of  the  State),  for  at  least  ten  years  after  things  are  pro- 
perly organized,  then  must  we  naturally  expect  waste  and  stupid 
and  ridiculous  applications  and  uses  of  the  people's  money.  May 
be,  after  all,  sectarianism  is  not  so  bad  for  colleges. 

Hark— the  rattle  of  our  carriage;  so  we  must  hastily  wind 
up  with  saying,  that  east  of  Woodville  was  a  wilderness,  and 
uninhabited  for  forty  miles ;  south,  cabins  were  sprinkled,  on  an 
average,  one  to  the  league ;  south-west,  the  same ;  but  north  and 
north-west,  settlements  and  clearings  were  more  abundant. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

"Horrcsco  referens,  immensis  orbibus  angues 
Incumbunt  pelago,  pariterque  ad  litora  tendunt." 

OUR  driver  finding  the  roads  worse  than  his  expectation,  now 
contrary  to  the  solemn  league  and  covenant  between  us,  refused 
to  proceed  another  step  towards  Glenville  without  additional  pay. 
While  the  controversy  was  tending  upward  in  pitch  and  intensity 
(for  a  very  liberal  price  had  been  already  paid),  Dr.  Sylvan  said, 

"Come,  driver,  don't  leave  the  strangers  this  way.     I  consider 

in  Gibson  county.  This  land  was  assigned  to  Vincennes  University.  This 
institution  after  a  few  years  of  life  seemed  to  be  non-existent,  but  several 
years  after  the  unsold  Gibson  county  lands  had  been  appropriated  by  the 
State  for  the  use  of  the  State  Seminary  at  Bloomington,  the  corporation 
of  Vincennes  University  awoke  (it  had  not  been  legally  dead)  and  en- 
tered suits  for  the  recovery  of  its  lands.  These  suits  were  first  brought 
against  the  holders  of  the  lands,  but  later  the  State  assumed  the  burden 
for  the  relief  of  innocent  purchasers,  and  consented  to  a  suit  against 
the  State,  to  ascertain  the  law  and  equity  in  the  case.  The  case  was 
pending  for  several  years  to  the  embarrassment  of  the  State  University, 
and  judgment  was  finally  given  for  $66,000  in  favor  of  the  Vincennes 
institution.  The  State  made  good  the  amount  to  the  University  at 
Bloomington. 


THE  SEARCHING  73 

the  price  Mr.  Carlton  has  already  paid  you  to  be  very  fair,  and 
that  you  are  bound  to  go  on  with  him  to  Glenville — but  here— 
(action  to  word)— here  I'll  pay  you  a  dollar,  rather  than  this  lady 
should  not  see  her  mother  to-night."  Of  course  Mrs.  C.  never 
allowed  that  dollar  to  be  paid — yet  such  was  the  generous  spirit 
of  the  man !  Alas !  that  politics  should  ever  have  made  him  lost 
to  some  friends!  and  for  what?  ay!  for  what? — the  good  of 
the  people!  Ay!  yes — and  times  come,  when  politicians  sacri- 
fice first  their  friends  and  then  cut  their  own  throats,  for  that 
ignis  fatuus,  and  are  laughed  at! 

*  ***** 

It  was  noon,  and  the  roads  less  bad,  and  sometimes  almost 
good,  we  were,  for  awhile,  in  hopes  of  seeing  our  friends  in  a 
few  hours.  The  day,  too,  was  pleasant;  and  on  the  dry  ridges 
being  free  from  great  perils,  we  began  to  enjoy  the  wildness 
of  the  primitive  world.  And  what  grander  than  the  column-like 
trees  ascending,  many  twenty,  many  thirty,  and  some  even  forty 
feet,  with  scarce  a  branch  to  destroy  the  symmetry !  Unable,  from 
their  number  to  send  out  lateral  branches,  like  stalks  of  grain 
they  had  all  grown  straight  up,  hastening,  as  in  a  race,  each  to  out- 
top  its  neighbour,  till  their  high  heads  afforded  a  shelter  to  squirrels, 
far  beyond  the  sprinkling  of  a  shot-gun,  and  almost  beyond  the 
reach  of  the  rifle!  The  timber  in  the  Purchase  was  only  trunk 
and  top !  Yet  where  a  hurricane  had  passed,  and,  by  destroying 
a  part,  allowed  room  for  the  others  to  grow,  there  plainly  could 
be  seen  how  such  could  "toss  giant  branches" — branches  in 
amplitude  and  strength  greater  than  the  trunks,  or  rather  slim 
bodies  of  puny  trees  in  modern  groves  and  parks! 

But  here  comes  our  first  snake  story.  In  answer  to  some 
query  about  snakes,  our  landlord  at  Woodville  had  replied  that 
"there  was  a  smart  sprinkle  of  rattlesnakes  on  Red  Run,  and 
that  it  was  a  powerful  nice  day  to  sun  themselves."  We  were 
now  drawing  near  to  the  dragon  district,  and  began  to  experience 
that  vibratory  sensation  belonging  to  snake  terror,  when  lo!  a 
crackling  and  rustling  of  leaves  and  sticks  on  our  left — and 
there,  sure  enough,  was  a  living  snake!  It  was  not,  indeed  a 
rattlesnake,  but  a  very  fierce,  large,  and  partly  erect,  black  one, 
with  a  skin  as  shiney  as  if  just  polished  with  patent  blacking,  a 


74  THE  SEARCHING 

mouth  wide  open  and  astonishingly  active  tongue!  Several  feet 
of  head  and  neck  were  visible,  but  how  many  of  body  and  tail 
were  concealed  can  never  be  told  except  by  Algebra;  for  when 
with  curiosity  still  stronger  than  fear,  the  driver  and  myself  got 
out  for  a  nearer  inspection,  not  only  did  her  ladyship  increase 
her  vengeful  hissing  but  she  was  joined  in  that  unpleasant  music 
by  some  half  dozen  concealed  performers;  and  then  our  new  and 
yet  long  acquaintance,  instead  of  vanishing,  as  had  been  supposed 
on  our  nearer  approach,  darted  head  foremost  at  us,  and  believe 
me,  reader,  in  the  true  western  style,  like  "greased  lightning." 
Had  a  boa  made  that  attack,  our  retreat  could  not  have  been 
more  abrupt  and  speedy — we  pitched  and  tumbled  into  our 
wagon — and  on  looking  round,  our  queen  snake  was  leisurely 
retiring,  attended  by  more  of  her  subjects  than  we  even  dared 
to  shake  a  stick  at.  Some  of  these  were  apparently  infant  black 
snakes;  for  the  protection  of  which  we  then  conjectured  the 
dam  (  ?)  snake  had  endeavoured  to  intimidate  us — in  which  at- 
tempt she  had  very  reasonable  success. 

Every  noise  now  by  bird  or  squirrel  seemed  serpentish; 
and  every  perfume  of  wild  flower  or  blossom,  was  like  cucum- 
bers, the  odour  of  which  resembles  the  fragrance  of  a  rattle- 
snake; and  every  crooked  dark  stick  in  the  leaves  or  twisting 
vines  was  a  formidable  reptile.  At  length,  however,  we  had 
exhausted  our  snake  stories,  conquered  our  apprehensions,  and 
gliding  into  other  topics,  had  reached  a  point  in  the  forest  where 
was  to  be  sought  the  path  leading  off  to  Glenville. 

Reader,  do  not,  when  we  speak  of  roads  and  paths,  figure  a  lane 
between  fences;  such  trammel  on  the  liberty  of  travellers,  and 
the  freedom  of  cattle  would  be  intolerable.  No,  a  road  author- 
ised by  law  is  achieved  by  levelling  the  trees  between  given  points, 
and  thus  making  an  avenue  in  the  woods  from  twenty  to  thirty 
feet  wide:  the  small  stumps  being  often  removed,  but  all  a  sice 
larger  left,  only  (theoretically)  dressed  down  so  as  to  permit 
wagons  to  pass  over  without  striking  the  axle— if  they  can. 
This  delicate  performance  of  wagons  is  called— straddling,  and 
is  done  by  rough  ones  without  fear;  other  vehicles  utterly  refuse 
traddle.  As  to  saplings,  such  are  cut  off  by  one  or  more 
oblique  blows,  some  six  or  eight  inches  from  the  ground,  the 


THE  SEARCHING  75 

remaining  stumps  thus  conveniently  sharpened,  and  threatening 
to  impale  whoever  may  be  pitched  on  to  them  from  horse  or 
carriage. 

On  one  side  usually,  some  times  on  both,  of  large  stumps 
was  a  hole  from  one  to  two  feet  deep.  Where  the  stumps  fol- 
lowed in  a  serrated  series,  the  wheels,  but  only  of  straddling 
wagons,  performed  the  most  exhilarating  seesaw,  with  the  most 
astonishing  alternations  of  plunge,  creak,  and  splash,  till  the 
uproar  of  a  single  team  would  fill  a  circle  completely  of  half  a 
mile  radius!  Indeed,  nothing  so  enlivened  the  wilderness! 
When  vehicles  refused  to  straddle,  driving  became  a  work  of  the 
most  laborious  skill  in  the  perpetual  windings  among  holes  and 
stumps  that  was  then  necessary;  or  when  that  was  too  perilous, 
it  became  a  matter  of  taste  and  fancy  to  choose  among  the  dozen 
extemporaneous  roads  inviting  from  the  right  and  left.  Her- 
cules himself  would  have  been  puzzled  to  select  sometimes, 
where  all  offered  equal  inducements,  or  equal  hindrances.  These 
auxiliary  ways  have  themselves  other  helps,  and  these  even  other 
subsidiaries,  so  that  a  person  not  a  woodsman,  aiter  an  agreeable 
ride  of  some  hours  discovers  often  that  a  very  long  lane  has  no 
turn,  but  a  very  unexpected  end,  and  leads  exactly — no  where. 

We,  of  course  were  chock  full  of  instructions  and  with  all  our 
windings  and  turnings  still  kept  our  eye  steadily  on  the — blazes. 
The  blaze  is  a  longitudinal  cut  on  trees  at  convenient  intervals 
made  by  cutting  off  the  bark  with  an  axe  or  hatchet :  three  blazes 
in  a  perpendicular  line  on  the  same  tree  indicating  a  legislative 
road,  the  single  blaze,  a  settlement  or  neighborhood  road.  Hence, 
if  desirous  to  escape  smoky  blazes,  we  willingly  kept  on  through 
this  sort;  although  unlike  the  smoky  blazes,  this  sort  is  of  use 
only  in  the  day  time. 

Well, — (to  come  back) — we  began  to  look  through  the  legal 
blazes  to  espy  a  corner  tree  cut  and  notched  in  a  peculiar  way,  at 
which  turning  off,  we  should  discover  a  single  blaze  leading  to 
Glenville— when— could  it  be  possible!— up  that  very  tree  was 
coiling  an  enormous  and  frightful  serpent! 

"Obstupuri !  steteruntque  comae !  et  vox  faucibus  haesit  " — in 
spite  of  which  all  of  us  spoke  out,  and  Mrs.  Carlton  really 
screamed.  Of  course  we  halted;  and  it  being  seen  that  cutting 


;6  THE  SEARCHING 

across  was  prevented  by  a  ravine,  it  was  at  last  concluded  that 
Mr.  C.  be  a  committee  to  reconnoitre,  while  the  others  should 
remain  in  the  dearborne — a  retreat  from  snakes  equal  to  covering 
up  in  bed  or  shutting  one's  eyes  in  danger.  Accordingly,  on 
went  capital  /  with  a  slow  and  cautious  step,  an  eye  to  the  rear 
as  well  as  to  the  fore,  and  flourishing  in  my  hands  a  very  long 
pole  to  intimidate  his  snakeship  before  it  came  to  blows,  or  run- 
ning away  on  one  or  both  sides — but  the  scaly  rascal  budged 
neither  head  nor  tail,  and  yet  seemed  to  swell  larger  and  larger, 
as  we,  i.  e.  I  and  the  pole  advanced — till,  strange !  now  his  very 
form  was  changing  yet  remaining — when  all  at  once  inspired 
with  a  seeming  phrenzy,  I  threw  away  my  pole  and  dashing 
headlong  on  the  serpent  I  seized  him  by  the  tail — 

"Oh!— Mr.  Carlton!"— 

Precisely  as  my  own  wife  cried  out  at  first;  but  as  I  maintained 
the  hold  and  the  enormous  reptile  still  remained  inflexibly  bent 
around  the  tree,  on  came  at  last  our  friends,  wagon  and  all; 
and  soon  all  capable  of  laughing,  were  joined  in  the  merriment 
on  finding  our  frightful  enemy  subsiding  into  the  mere  form  of 
a  snake  very  ingeniously  wrought  with  a  hatchet  into  the  corner 
tree  and  blackened  with  charcoal !  That  indeed  was  "notching  in 
a  peculiar  way,"  as  Dr.  Sylvan  had  said;  and  true  enough  as  he 
said  also,  "we  should  be  sure  enough  to  see  it." 

I  may  as  well  add  here  that  some  years  after  as  I  rode  in  com- 
pany with  a  lady  near  this  very  spot,  and  I  had  just  ended  the 
story  for  her  entertainment,  we  both  were  no  little  startled  to 
see  a  veritable  serpent  enacting  that  same  part  on  a  different 
tree  indeed,  and  propria  persona — i.  e  in  his  own  skin.  How  he 
could  adhere  almost  perpendicularly  to  the  smooth  bark  of  a 
large  beech  I  know  not— yet  there  and  thus  the  reptile  was  about 
eight  feet  from  the  ground  and  ten  below  any  branch !  On  pass- 
ing I  administered  him  a  smart  switch  on  the  tail  with  my  riding 
whip;  a  compliment  he  returned  by  detaching  his  head  from 
the  bark,  and  fiercely  hissing  forth  his  acknowledgements.  Our 
amusements,  you  perceive,  reader,  are  masculine  in  a  country 
of  men:  and  yet  we  play  in  civilized  places  with  very  sleek  and 
cunning  snakes — ay,  that  hiss  and  bite  too! 

The  Glenville  road  was  a  mere  path  marked  by  a  single  blaze, 


THE  SEARCHING  77 

which  we  very  pertinaciously  followed  although  it  lighted  us 
along  a  very  circuitous  route.  In  theory,  the  shortest  line  be- 
tween two  points  is  the  straight  line;  it  is  not  so  in  practice  out 
there :  at  least  it  is  not  prudent  to  be  so  mathematically  correct 
in  the  neighbourhood  paths  of  a  New  Purchase.  More  than 
once  especially  when  going  by  the  moss  and  the  sun,  and  even 
with  experienced  woodsmen,  the  mathematical  travelling  had 
occasioned  our  being  lost  for  hours,  sometimes  for  days.  Hence 
our  backwoods  axiom — "the  longest  is  the  shortest." 

Notice  here,  a  neighborhood  road  does  not  imply  necessarily 
much  proximity  of  neighbours.  I  have  travelled  all  day  long  upon 
a  neighbourhood  or  settlement  road  and  seen  neither  neighbours 
nor  neighbours'  cabins.  Such  road  leads  sometimes  not  to  a  set- 
tlement in  actu — (i.  e.  under  the  axe) — but  to  a  settlement  in 
posse — (i.  e.  among  the  possums) — viz.  a  paper  settlement — a 
speculator's  settlement.  And  even  along  an  inhabited  path, 
"neighbour"  in  the  Purchase  was  to  be  interpreted  scripturally, 
and  I  rejoice  to  say,  was  extended  to  comprise  the  Samaritans. 
Indeed,  out  there,  we  were  very  kind  to  neighbours — whenever 
we  could  find  them;  circumstances  there  created  a  kindness  and 
a  hospitality  wholly  unknown  in  here. 

And  now  we  reached  the  two  story  log  house  at  the  entrance 
of  the  bottom  of  "Big  Shiney,"  and  where  was  to  be  encountered 
"the  most  powerful  slashy  land."  That  the  said  slashy  land  was 
no  better  than  it  should  be,  may  be  inferred  from  the  fact,  that 
it  occupied  us  from  half  past  three  P.  M.  until  seven  o'clock  pre- 
cisely in  the  evening  to  do  three  miles — a  speed  less  considerably 
than  that  of  birds  and  even  that  of  steam  cars. 

The  river  was  still  swollen  and  turbulent  from  recent  rains, 
and  although  within  its  banks,  it  had  barely  retired  from  its  over- 
flowings. And  now  a  glorious  sunset  was  there,  far  away  in 
the  grand  solitudes,  where  century  after  century  the  god  of 
day  had  gone  down  while  his  last  beams  were  pouring  the  rich 
mellow  haze  of  evening  over  the  distant  homes  of  the  East! 
Gay  birds  were  warbling  farewell  songs  with  distinct  and  thrilling 
articulation,  while  some  darting  from  bank  to  bank  seemed  rays 
of  sunlight  winged  and  glancing  over  the  waters— such  was  their 
plumage !  And  squirrels  without  fear  raced  and  sported  on  hoary 


78  THE  SEARCHING 

and  patriarchal  trees  so  inclined  towards  the  river,  that  from 
opposite  banks  they  united  their  umbrageous  tops  in  green  and 
flowery  arches  above  its  bosom!  It  did  seem  as  if  for  once  we 
had  surprised  nature's  self  in  her  wild,  unpruned,  rich,  varied, 
luxurious  negligence;  and  were  beholding  the  sun,  not  coming 
from  his  chamber  a  strong  man  rejoicing  to  run  a  race,  but  a 
glorious  bridegroom  retiring  to  the  bridal  chamber  of  his  spouse ! 

On  the  far  bank  was  a  small  wigwam  hut,  and  below  in  the 
water  was  tied  a  clumsy  scow ;  but  who  was  to  ferry  us  over  was 
not  instantly  apparent,  our  shoutings  simple  and  compound  being 
answered  only  by  Echo,  senior  and  junior.  At  last  rose  in 
answer  the  voice  of  an  invisible  wood-nymph,  and  that  was  fol- 
lowed shortly  by  the  appearance  among  the  bushes  of  the 
hamadryad  in  the  shape  of  an  athletic  woman  with  a  red  head; 
who  girding  up  her  loins — (anglice,  pinning  up  her  petticoat) 
stepped  barefooted  and  bareheaded  into  the  boat,  her  little  boy 
at  the  moment  casting  loose  the  grape  vine  rope — its  fastening. 
She  then  poled,  or  "set  up  stream"  about  100  yards,  and  after- 
wards, by  a  large  oar  on  a  pivot  at  the  end  of  the  scow,  she  kept 
the  boat  nearly  at  right  angles  with  the  banks  until  the  current 
brought  the  ferrywoman  as  diagonally  correct  to  where  we  stood, 
as  if  all  had  been  in  a  fashionable  school  on  a  black  board. 

Alas!  all  this  as  nearly  as  unromantic  as  mathematics  them- 
selves ;  for  our  heroine  was  not  at  all  like  the  Lady  of  the  Lake 
or  any  other  lady  made  to  paddle  a  skiff  in  poetry  or  painting. 
She  worked  a  scow  to  admiration,  better  truly  than  the  most 
poetic  creature  could  have  done — but  then  an  ugly,  shapeless, 
clusmy  scow !  and  a  hearty,  red-headed  woman  in  bare  legs  and 
Elssler  petticoats! — what  had  such  to  do  with  the  sunset 
and  the  birds?  Poetry,  therefore,  being  sufficiently  cooled  down, 
we  embarked;  and  while  the  good  hearted,  and  honest  woman 
insisted  she  needed  no  aid,  both  Mr.  C.  and  the  driver  helped  to 
navigate  her  boat.  It  seemed,  then,  our  ferrywoman  had  never 
heard  our  shouts,  telling  us  we  had  not  "larn'd  to  holler;"  and 
that  having  accidently  caught  sight  of  our  wagon,  she  "know'd  we 
wanted  over  *  and  so  had  hollered  naterally."  And  the  way  she 

1  "I  want  over,"  "I  want  in,"  "I  want  out,"  etc.,  are  pioneer  forms  of 
speech  that  are  still  not  uncommon  in  certain  regions  of  the  Middle  West. 


THE  SEARCHING  79 

could  lift  up  the  voice  made  crag  and  cliff  and  forest  far  and 
wide  speak  with  a  dozen  tongues!  Ay,  reader,  and  we  our- 
selves finally  learned  to  sing  out  "O-o-o-o-ver !"  till  the  rebellow- 
ing of  the  woods  brought  the  ferry  person  to  the  scow,  even  if 
at  work  in  the  clearing  hundreds  of  yards  behind  his  cabin. 
This  wondrous  art  cannot  be  l^ught  on  paper;  nor  by  question 
and  answer,  like  other  equally  valuable  matters  now  a  days:  but 
buy  this  book,  and  then  we  will  add  when  you  visit  us,  this  im- 
portant lesson  in  Wildwood  Elocution,  gratis. 

But  happy  we!  the  ferrywoman  could  tell  us  all  about  the 
Glenville  settlement!  and  then,  unhappy  we — in  her  directions, 
which  were  sufficiently  ample,  she,  like  many  other  instructors, 
took  for  granted  that  we  knew  well  the  elements  and  data  of 
which  we  were  profoundly  ignorant: — said  she,  "Wei,  I  allow 
you  can't  scarcely  miss  the  path  to  the  tan  house — little  Jim  here's 
bin  thare  many  a  time — and  'cos  the  nabers  go  thare  all  round 
the  settlemints.  Howsoever  keep  rite  strate  along  the  bottim  till 
you  come  to  the  bio — (bayou) — then  sort  a  turn  to  the  left,  but  not 
quite — 'cos  the  path  goes  to  the  rite  like — but  you  can't  cross  thare 
now — well,  s>trate  on  is  Sam  Little's  cleren,  till  you  come  to  the 
Ingin  grave — and  after  that  the  path's  a  sort  a  blind — but  then  it 
ain't  more  nor  a  mile  to  ole  man  Sturgisses,  and  he  lives  rite 
fornence  the  tan  house  over  the  run." 

Of  course,  reader,  the  above  and  most  other  directions  and 
speeches  in  this  book  like  the  above,  are  the  filtered  condensation 
of  our  own  translation :  the  full  vernacular  you  could  not  under- 
stand and  perhaps  might  not  relish.  But  interrogation  only  ren- 
dered our  labyrinthical  direction  more  implicated;  and  so,  not 
wishing  to  seem  less  sagacious  than  little  Jim,  off  we  splashed 
for  the  bayou,  and  here  we  succeeded  so  well  in  "a  sort-er  turn 
to  the  left  but  not  quite,"  that  we  soon  lost  sight  of  all  roads, 
paths,  and  blazes ;  and  then  we,  hearing  the  sound  of  an  axe  still 
more  to  the  left,  travelled  that  direction  by  ear,  through  a  won- 
derous  wilderness  of  spice-wood,  papaw,  and  twenty  unknown 
bushes,  briars,  and  weeds,  till  we  fell  suddenly  into  a  clearing, 
supposed  to  be  our  neighbour's,  Sam  Little's. 

Happily  it  proved  to  be  Squire  Brushwood's.  For  Sam  Little's, 
it  seems,  was  nothing  save  a  clearing  destitute  of  any  cabin; 


80  THE  SEARCHING 

while  Brushwood's  was  adorned  with  a  double  cabin  and  all  sorts 
of  out-houses :  and  but  for  the  lucky  loss  of  our  blaze,  we  should 
here  be  recording  a  night  in  the  woods,  to  us  then  as  deplorable  as 
the  prophet's  loding,  thus  poetically  lamented  in  some  ancient 
version : 

"Jonah  was  three  days  and  nights  in  the  whale's  belly, 

Without  fire  or  candle! 
And  nothing  had  he  all  the  time 
But  cold  fish  g— ts  to  handle!" 

Whereas,  now  we  were  comfortably  shedded  and  had  more  corn- 
bread  and  bacon  than  we  could  devour.  And  instead  of  being 
alone,  our  wife  had,  in  addition  to  us  and  the  driver,  a  guard  in 
her  bed-room,  or  rather  around  her  very  bed,  a  guard  of  four 
other  men — the  squire,  the  squire's  two  sons,  and  a  journeyman 
chopper,  whose  axe  had  invited  and  guided  us  to  the  clearing; 
add  women  and  girls  too  numerous  to  mention — so  that  Mrs.  Carl- 
ton  never  felt  the  least  lonesome  the  livelong  night. 

How  getting  to  bed  was  managed  could  not  be  told,  as  Mrs.  C. 
made  an  extemporary  screen  by  hanging  something — "what" — 
oh !  a  utility  on  a  rope  or  grape  vine  stretched  near  our  quarters : 
only  no  one  went  out  to  see  about  the  weather,  and  from  first  to 
last  a  very  animated  talk  went  on  in  voices  of  opposite  genders, 
and  even  amid  the  creaking  of  ricketty  bedsteads  and  after  the 
dying  of  the  fire  light.  Great  adroitness  is  acquired  by  women- 
bodies  especially  in  going  to  repose  amidst  company.  For  in- 
stance, we  were  at  Major  Billy  Westland's  in  Woodville,  once  in 
company  with  several  male  magnates,  when  the  major's  lady  with- 
drew from  our  circle  at  the  fire,  as  for  some  domestic  duty ;  but 
on  my  accidentally  looking  around,  three  minutes  after,  lo !  there 
was  a  night-cap  peering  above  the  "kiver-lid,"  and  Mrs.  Major 
Billy  Westland's  head  in  it ! 

Men- folks  oversleeping  themselves  often  find,  on  opening  their 
eyes,  the  girls  fixing  the  table  for  breakfast ;  and  then  they  con- 
trive to  put  on  their  indispensables  under  the  cover  and  in  bed. 
Hence,  on  one  memorable  occasion,  when  we  were  at  a  wedding, 
our  groom  having  overslept  the  early  morn,  made  this  covert  ar- 
rangement with  his  inexpressibles,  and  then  most  courageously 
thrust  out  among  us  his  invested  limbs.  But  woful  ingenuity ! — 


THE  FINDING  81 

just  then  was  entering  at  the  opposite  door,  our  groom's  brother, 
a  gawkey  young  gentleman,  with  a  green  gosling  countenance, 
who  seeing  first  the  pantalooned  limbs,  suddenly  exclaimed  in 
utter  amazement  at  such  conduct: — 

"Hey !  if  our  Jess  didn't  sleep  in  his  breeches !" 
****** 

Reader ! — good  night !  we  are  sleepy. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

THE  FINDING. 

"Ilionea  petit  dextra  laevaque " 

"A  shaking  with  both  hands " 

YEARS  had  passed  since  Mrs.  C.  parted  with  her  nearest  rela- 
tives, and  among  these  her  mother.  We  were  naturally  in  haste 
then  to  leave  Brushwood  in  the  morning,  Glenville  being  only  two 
miles  distant.  What  was  thought  of  us  at  Brushwood  could  now 
be  only  conjectured;  but  we  learned  afterwards,  that  the  screen 
made  by  Mrs.  C.  was  deemed  "powerful  proud  doings  of  stuck-up 
folks."  And  sorry  am  I  to  say  that  in  the  Purchase,  as  in  some 
other  places,  such  opinion  is  formed  and  similarly  expressed  about 
extra  cleanliness,  decency,  modesty,  learning,  and  the  like :  if  these 
things  exceed  your  neighbour's  they  subject  you  to  suspicion, 
often  to  dislike,  and  not  infrequently  to  rancorous  persecution. 
Perhaps  the  thoughts  about  you  in  a  New  Purchase  are  boldly 
uttered,  yet  still,  in  an  Old  Purchase,  scorn,  envy,  hatred,  are  felt 
for  your  real  or  supposed  excellences,  and  acted  out  at  the  first 
fair  opportunities.  However,  Mr.  Carlton  himself  got  so  far 
rubbed  down  in  time  as  to  need  considerable  rubbing  up  after- 
wards ;  for  he  at  last,  in  the  Purchase,  earned  the  appellation  of 
a — "most  powerful  clever  feller,  what  could  lay  down  ahind  an 
ole-log  and  hide  raw  bakin  like  the  best  on  'em — as  naturally,  too, 
as  if  brung  up  to  it." 

Receiving  very  straight  directions  for  a  very  crooked  path,  we 
set  out  for  Home !  The  path  was  rarely  ever  travelled  by  wheels 
and  indeed  unblazed;  and  hence  we  proceeded  partly  by  instinct 


82  THE  FINDING 

and  partly  by  trace  of  ruts  seen  usually  by  the  eye,  but  often  felt 
after  by  the  feet — one  of  us  always  walking  before  the  dearborne, 
while  the  other  drove.  This  path  I  had  always  great  difficulty  in 
finding.  And  once  the  whole  Glenville  community  nearly,  having 
to  deviate  from  its  direction  on  account  of  high  waters,  were 
actually  lost  in  the  bottom  for  three  long  hours!  To  imprint 
the  affair  more  deeply  we  met,  too,  an  accident  at  that  time. 
Endeavouring  then  to  drive  along  a  slippery  and  very  steep  in- 
clination, away  suddenly  pitched  horse  and  wagon,  and  away  also 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Carlton,  and  one  young  lady,  and  two  little  babies, 
all  in  an  indescribable  and  mixed  succession  of  somersets,  down 
into  the  ravine ;  and  yet,  strange  to  tell !  no  one  was  hurt,  nothing 
important  broken,  although  when  about  half  way  to  the  bottom 
of  the  hill,  the  vehicle  was  caught  by  sapling  and  bush,  the 
wagon  there  sticking,  wheels  uppermost  and  the  horse  on  his 
back  with  the  whole  four  legs  turning  their  shod  hoofs  into  thin 
air  instead  of  thick  earth !  What  it  was,  in  such  a  false  position, 
I  cannot  tell ;  but  so  did  the  two  dumb  things  look,  so  patient,  so 
resigned,  appealing  so  touchingly  with  outstretched  limbs  for  help, 
that  it  was  long  before  laughter  would  permit  Mr.  Glenville  and 
myself  to  restore  wheels  and  legs  to  the  order  of  nature.  And 
when  restored  to  a  proper  standing  in  society,  never  surely  did 
horse  and  wagon  move  with  more  unanimity! — never  did  a  horse 
before  so  snort,  so  toss  his  head,  so  shake  mane  and  tail,  till  by 
practising  all  parts  of  his  body  he  was  convinced  it  was  only  a 
very  curious  dream,  just  passed,  and  he  was  truly  himself  again! 
Consequently  after  that  I  preferred  the  better  path  of  Sam  Little's 
clearing  and  the  Indian  grave.  But  on  the  present  morning  of 
the  Finding,  Brushwood  had  directed  us  "the  short  cut"  to  Glen- 
ville Settlement. 

The  reader  will  of  course  conjecture  what  happened  to  novices 
— we  lost  our  way.  What  with  turning  aside  for  logs-unstrad- 
dleable,  brush  impenetrable,  briars  intolerable,  and  for  holes  we 
cared  not  to  fathom,  we  made  the  short  path  considerably  longer 
than  the  long  one,  till  all  at  once  on  clambering  up  a  steep  hill, 
farther  progress  was  barred  by  a  lofty  and  tortuous  fence,  worm- 
ing around  a  clearing!  At  the  unwonted  noise  of  cracking  brush 
and  bush  in  this  quarter,  soon,  however,  came  forth  from  a  good 


THE  FINDING  83 

log-house  in  the  centre,  an  almost  gigantic  yet  venerable  old  gentle- 
man, who,  to  our  great  surprise,  said  he  was — the  Mr.  Sturgis — 
i.  e.  "ole-man  Sturgis — fornence"  the  tannery  in  the  very  suburbs 
of  Glenville!  Very  near!  Reader! 

After  helping  to  extricate  and  get  our  carriage  in  front  of  his 
settlement,  the' old  man  advised,  that,  instead  of  now  going  away 
round  by  a  very  obscure  path,  we  had  better  proceed  right  down 
the  hill  in  the  direction  of  the  tan-house:  especially  as  to  drive 
down  the  hill  would,  after  all,  be  not  much  worse,  than  the  way  up 
the  hill  just  come. 

Accordingly  we  prepared  to  alight  in  Glenville :  not  indeed  by 
flying,  but  by  slipping  and  sliding  down  on  them  from  our  sylvan 
summit.  And  this  was  accomplished  as  follows: — our  historian 
and  his  lady  advanced  in  pedibus — (Latin  is  more  ancient  than 
French,) — or  more  vulgarly,  on  foot,  some  yards  before  the 
wagon;  then  the  author  judiciously  presented  one  side  towards 
the  bottom  of  the  declivity,  and  the  other  towards  its  top;  and 
then  the  author's  wife  did  ditto's;  after  which  her  lower  hand  in 
his  upper,  the  happy  couple  commenced  the  glide  in  that  pictur- 
esque attitude  and  series  of  linked  cadences,  he  with  his  dextral 
and  unimpeded  hand  retarding  the  velocity,  when  becoming  peri- 
lous, by  seizing,  at  suitable  intervals,  bushes  and  saplings,  until, 
without  accident,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Carlton  had  almost  alighted  on 
the  border  of  a  delightful  and  pellucid  little  creek.  While  above, 
on  foot  too,  and  holding  his  horse  near  the  bit  of  the  bridle,  and 
his  wagon,  were  tearing  and  crashing  and  thundering  down,  the 
man  partly  on  his  knees,  and  the  horse  in  a  sitting  posture  like  a 
pet-dog  at  dinner-time,  till  all  seemed  like  an  avalanche  of  horses 
and  wagons  from  the  clouds — or  at  least,  in  western  parlance,  "a 
right  smart  sprinkle"of  the  articles.  At  all  events,  the  unwonted 
uproar  and  shouts,  and  voices  and  merriment,  had  announced  that 
some  wonder  was  raining  down  on  the  settlement — and  hence, 
they  rushed  from  the  tannery  to  see  what  was  descending — lo! 
dear  reader — we,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Carlton,  now  ended  our  descent 
by  gliding  into  the  open  arms  of  uncle  John  Seymour  and  his 
nephew  John  Glenville!  And  was  not  that  stumbling  upon  luck? 


84  FIRST  YEAR 

Did  you  ever  go  away  off,  when  travelling  was  the  work  of 

months — away  off,  a  thousand  miles,  in  search  of  the  nearest  and 
dearest  kindred — and  then,  unexpectedly,  on  a  bright  and-fragrant 
May  morning,  find  those  dear  ones  in  the  dark  depths  of  an 
almost  impervious  wilderness?  Then  did,  at  that  moment, 
thoughts  of  the  past — happiness — homes — comforts — ay!  of  a 
thousand  nameless  past  things  rush  like  a  torrent  to  your  heart — 
then  you  know  how  we — met  and  rejoiced — and  wept!  How  we 
crossed  the  creek  I  never  knew — all  were  shaking  hands  right  and 
left — some  asking  questions — some  answering — some  sobbing — 
and  how  could  one  see  with  eyes  full  of  tears? — But  still  I  do 
believe  we  were  both  hugged  over ! 

But  see !  all  Glenville  is  coming — and  the  daughter  is  once 

more  upon  the  bosom  of  her  mother! — yet  the  voice  of  weeping 
are  not  tears  of  lamentation — they  are  tears  of  joy! 

That  morning  thanksgiving  prayers  went  up  to  heaven  from 
three  households  united,  and  hymns  of  praise  resounded  amid  the 
wilds :  for  these  families  were  Christian — and  wherever,  in  their 
many  wanderings,  they  halted  as  pilgrims  for  a  day  or  a  year, 
there  rose  the  domestic  altars. 

God  is  every  where! 


CHAPTER  XIV. 
FIRST  YEAR. 

" locus  est  et  pluribus  umbris." 

" a  shady  place  for  several  friends." 

WELL!  this  is  Glenville.  Has  any  body  accompanied  our  for- 
tunes thus  far? — that  body  may  as  well  see  us  also  "out  of  the 
woods."  A  sojourn  for  a  few  years  amid  the  privations  and 
hardships  of  the  New  Purchase  will  fit  you  better  for  a  home 
in  the  East — in  case,  we  mean,  you  stay  not  so  long  as  to  be  for- 
gotten by  the  time  you  go  back.  And  even  then — after  the 
first  bitter  feelings  of  natural  sorrow,  of  surprise,  and  perhaps 
of  chagrin — believe  me,  such  a  force  and  independence  will  have 
been  added  to  the  character,  so  much  self-reliance  gendered,  as 


FIRST  YEAR  85 

to  furnish  an  almost  perpetual  and  complete  substitute  in  your 
own  resources.  One  perhaps,  after  a  sojourn  of  the  proper  kind 
in  the  New  Purchase,  is  rather  in  danger  of  too  great  a  contempt 
for  the  things  of  the  old :  at  all  events,  one,  whose  spirit  is  not 
naturally  bad,  is  very  much  inclined  to  feel  and  say,  with  the  good 
humor  of  Bernadotte,  when  he  finds  on  his  return  that  the  world 
"does  not  care  a  fig"  for  him,  "well,  tell  the  world,  I  do  not 
care  a  fig  for  it." 

The  man  who  has  practised  doing  with  little,  and  is  fully 
satisfied  with  it,  and  for  years  has  been  very  happy  with  it,  is 
really  superior  to  the  man  even  of  large  fortune,  and  of  many 
wants.  Can  he  be  vexed  for  the  want  of  grand  houses,  fine 
furniture,  sumptuous  food,  gay  equipage,  costly  apparel  and 
the  like,  who,  if  he  despise  not  such  matters,  is  soberly  and 
philosophically  indifferent  to  them?  He  has  really  so  schooled 
himself  amid  rough  huts,  rude  furniture,  coarse  food,  and  home- 
spun clothes,  as,  in  his  very  heart,  to  prefer  them  with  their 
freedom  and  independence,  to  the  wearisome  and  silly,  and  end- 
less anxiety  and  toil  of  living  for  mere  show. 

On  your  return,  if  you  have  your  health,  in  what  can  any 
one,  who  fancies  himself  superior,  excel  you?  He  knows  not 
as  much — he  can  eat  no  more — see  no  more — drink  no  more — 
sleep  no  better — live  no  longer.  Can  he  drive  a  gig?  you  can 
drive  it  where  he  dares  not  venture.  Suppose  he  outrides  you 
— you  can  outwalk  him.  Does  the  chap  shoot  a  double-barrelled 
gun  ?  so  can  you,  if  you  would — but  you  transcend  him,  oh !  far 
enough  with  that  man's  weapon,  that  in  your  hands  deals,  at 
your  will,  certain  death  to  one  selected  victim,  without  scattering 
useless  wounds  at  a  venture  in  a  little  innocent  feathered  flock. 

Stay  with  us,  then,  reader;  and  when  you  do  return,  you  will 
certainly  enjoy  some  plain  every-day  conveniences  at  home,  once 
undervalued,  perhaps  despised,  but  which  belong  to  the  tenor 
of  life ;  you  will  bear,  with  good  humour,  a  thousand  petty  dis- 
quietudes of  civilized  life,  that  once  kept  you,  and  still  keep  the 
self-indulged,  undisciplined,  fashionable  vulgar  in — "a  stew." 
Yes !  you  will  be  cured  of  a  very  common  and  dreadful  malady, 
rendering  one  miserable  in  himself  and  hateful  to  others— "the 
fidgets."  Nay  you  will  be  purged  of  the  "struts  and  swaggers" 


86  FIRST  YEAR 

— the  emptiness  of  a  puffy,  self-important  inflation,  generated  by 
too  long  an  acquaintance  among  brick  and  mortar  houses,  and 
medicated  wooden  pavements.  In  a  word,  if  you  become  not 
quite  as  great  a  man  as  you  formerly  designed  to  be — (and  as 
city  and  town  folks  all  at  one  time  intend) — you  will  unques- 
tionably, if  disposed  to  learn  by  a  few  years  residence  in  a  bran 
New  Purchase,  become  a  better  and  a  happier  man. 

Come,  then,  I  will  introduce  our  settlement.  And  first,  this 
term  is  applied  to  a  place  where  one  or  more  families  having 
bought  lands  at  the  government  price  from  Uncle  Samuel,  have 
actually  located  on  it;  and,  not  to  a  place  merely  bought  for 
speculation,  or  merely  trespassed  upon  by  any  of  that  nondescript 
and  original  race — the  squatters.  Indeed,  to  these  a  settlement 
is  so  odious,  that  they  either  pay  for  land  and  turn  into  settlers, 
or,  as  in  the  more  frequent,  they  become  indignant  at  the  legal 
invasion  of  their  domain,  and  hastily — absquatulate;  that  is, 
translated — they  go  and  squat  in  another  place.  And  such  is 
the  effect  of  settlements  often  in  here,  up  north,  down  east,  and 
so  on,  where  well  looking  and  fine  dressed  gentlemen  become  so 
offended  at  the  impertinence  of  neighbors,  that  they  too  absquat- 
ulate: and  perhaps  better  so,  as  a  civilized  squatter  would  rarely 
make  a  good  neighbour,  either  in  or  upon  a  settlement. 

Out  there,  a  settlement  usually  takes  its  name  from  the  person 
that  first  "enters  the  land,"  i.  e.  buys  a  tract  at  the  land  office. 
Often  it  takes  the  name  from  the  family  first  actually  settling 
or  owning  the  largest  number  of  acres ;  and  very  frequently  from 
the  person  that  establishes  a  ferry,  a  smifhery,  a  mill,  a  tannery, 
and,  above  all,  a  Store.  Hence,  whilst  our  brother-in-law  was 
no  patriarch  in  looks  or  age,  owned  no  boundless  territory,  and 
was,  in  stature,  "the  least  in  his  father's  house,"  yet  because  he 
tanned  hides — (for  shoes  we  mean) — and  intended  soon  to  sell 
tape  by  the  yard,  and  buy  pork  by  the  cwt. — we  were  The  Glen- 
ville  Settlement.  And  this  colony  had,  within  its  territories,  as 
many  as  three  human  habitations;  two  occupied  by  actual  set- 
tlers, and  one  by  a  very  special  sort  of  a  squatter — the  Leather- 
stocking  of  our  tribe.1 

1  In   Cooper's   novel,   "The   Pioneers,"   Leatherstocking   was   the   nick- 
name of  Natty  Bumpo,  a  half  civilized  chevalier  of  wild  American  life. 


FIRST  YEAR  87 

On  an  eminence  between  the  others — and,  provided  you  knew 
how  "to  holler"  within  hearing  of  both,  but  owing  to  inter- 
vening trees,  not  within  sight — stood  the  primitive  and  patriarchal 
cabin — the  capitol.  South-west,  distant  a  quarter  of  a  mile  was 
the  cabin  of  the  Reverend  Mr.  Hilsbury,  lately  married  to  one 
of  Mr.  Carlton's  sisters ;  and  directly  south  of  the  episcopal  resi- 
dence, was  the  tannery,  to  which  John  Glenville,  of  Glenville, 
owed  the  honour  of  giving  his  name  to  the  colony.  Due  east 
from  the  capitol  about  a  furlong,  was  the  squateree  of  uncle 
Tommy  Seymour,  our  Leatherstocking.  So  much  of  his  long 
life  had  passed  in  the  wild  woods,  and  among  the  Indians, 
that  he  had  thoroughly  imbibed  their  feelings  and  their  senti- 
ments, and  had  adopted  some  of  their  habits;  and  therefore  he 
had  not  only  acquired  an  utter  distaste,  but  even  a  sovereign 
contempt  for  most  usages  and  trammels  of  civilization.  And 
Uncle  Tommy  was  also  a  preacher — hence  Glenville  was  two- 
thirds  sacred  and  only  one  secular! 

Around,  were  a  few  other  settlements,  Sturgis' — Hackberry's 
— Undergrowth's — Brushwood's,  and  some  more:  all  distant 
from  us  and  one  another — some  one  mile,  some  ten.  The  un- 
entered and  unsettled  tracts  between,  were  our  commons,  called 
the  Range — used  for  hunting,  swine-feeding,  and  the  like.  The 
range  had,  however,  inhabitants  innumerable : — viz.,  deer,  wolves, 
foxes — blue,  gray,  and  black — squirrels  ditto,  ground-swine,  vul- 
garly called  ground-hogs,  and  wild  turkeys,  wild  ducks,  wild  cats, 
and  wild  all  the  wild  what-y'-callums : — opposums  too,  up,  down, 
in,  and  under  gum  trees: — snakes,  with  and  without  rattles,  of 
all  colours,  from  copper  to  green  and  black,  and  of  all  sizes, 
from  ever  so  little  to  ever  so  big.  Add— "the  neighbours'  hogs," 
so  wild  and  fierce,  that  when  pork-time  arrives,  they  must  be 
hunted  and  shot,  like  other  independent  beasts.  Especially  is  this 
the  case  if  mast — (nuts  and  acorns) — is  abundant;  when  swiney 
becomes  wholly  savage,  and  loses  all  reverence  for  corn-cribs  and 
swill-tubs.  Ay,  gentle  reader,  our  semi-wild  boar  is  a  fellow 
something  different  in  look,  and  rather  worse  to  encounter,  when 
saucy  or  angry,  than  the  vile  mud-hole  wallower  of  the  Atlantic ! 
If  one  would  understand  the  wild-boar  hunts  of  Cyrus,  or  the 
feudal  barons — go,  get  acquainted  with  the  semi-wild  fellow  of 


88  FIRST  YEAR 

the  Purchase.  The  range  is  perambulated  by  cattle  horned  and 
unhorned;  by  cows,  belled  and  unbelted;  and  by  horses,  some 
with  yokes  and  some  without : — but  notice,  yokes  are  not  to  pre- 
vent jumping  out  of  inclosures,  but  into  them.  In  the  range  are 
also  wonderful  colts  with  cunning  saucy  faces,  shaggy  manes 
done  up  with  burrs,  and  with  great  long  tails,  so  tangled  that 
Penelope  herself  could  never  disentangle — creatures  almost  un- 
catchable,  and,  if  caught,  nearly  untameable. 

Nearly  south  of  Glenville  was  the  grand  town — our  Woodville. 
And  nearly  west,  some  eight  or  nine  miles  and  a  piece,  was 
Spiceburgh — at  least  in  dry  times;  for  the  town  being  on  the 
bottom  of  Shining  River  was,  in  hard  rains,  commonly  under 
water,  so  that  a  conscientious  man  dared  not  then  to  affirm  with- 
out a  proviso,  where,  Spiceburgh  was,  precisely.  North-east  from 
us,  some  fifty  long  lonesome  miles,  was  the  capital  of  the  State 
— Timberopolis ;  the  seat  of  the  legislature  and  of  mortality.2  But 
death  in  later  times  there  domineered  less.  Whether  the  legis- 
lature reformed  and  refrained  from  common  mischief  is  not  so 
easy  to  say.  Parties  are  to  this  hour,  I  am  informed,  themselves, 
divided  on  that  subject — the  opposite  partizans,  however,  exactly 
agreeing  in  this : — viz.  that  the  Ins  are  a  set  of  ignorant,  selfish, 
truckling,  snivelling  humbuggers,  while  the  Outs  are  the  men  to 
save  the  state — mutatis  mutandis. 

In  different  directions,  from  Glenville  were  also  Mapville,  Map- 
borough  and  Maptown:  in  all  which  the  difficulty  in  seeing  the 
towns  was  not  owing  to  the  houses,  but  the  trees.  A  skillful 
woodsman  could,  indeed,  sometimes  find  a  single  house — the 
whole  village :  but  as  the  citizens  were  all  absent  hoeing  corn  or 
the  like,  except  one  or  more  dirty  bare-legged  babies  fastened 
inside,  the  lucky  hunter,  except  for  the  name  of  being  in  town, 
might  nearly  as  well  be  in  the  country.  Unexpectedly,  too,  would 
a  traveller  sometimes  come  into  a  town  of  thirty  or  forty  habita- 
tions but  without  a  solitary  inhabitant — the  cabins  all  standing 
cold  and  empty  like  snail-abandoned  shells !  For,  know,  reader, 
that  genuine  agues  out  there  are  often  so  powerful  and  vindictive 

2  In  the  early  days  of  the  settlement  of  Indiana,  amid  the  dampness  of 
the  uncleared  forests  and  especially  on  the  river-bottom  lands,  there  was 
heavy  mortality  from  malaria  and  "milk  sickness."  Indianapolis  on  the 
White  River  bottom  was  in  the  heart  of  this  region  of  maladies. 


FIRST  YEAR  89 

as  to  shake,  not  only  individuals  out  of  their  skins,  but  whole 
communities  out  of  their  towns  and  villages !  In  this  latter  case 
the  folks  swarm  like  bees  and  re-settle  where  the  legislature 
appoints  a  new  seat,  passing  at  the  time  a  law  that  the  ague  shall 
shake  them  out  no  more. 

This,  then,  is  Glenville,  its  suburbs,  its  environs,  its  neighbour- 
hoods, its  ranges — all  on  that  grand  scale  belonging  to  Nature 
in  the  Far  West,  where  we  have  grand  woods,  grand  prairies, 
grand  caves,  grand  rivers,  grand  bears,  grand  swine — grand 
everything!  except,  maybe,  grand  rascals,  in  which  we  doubtless 
excel  here  in  the  East. 

Let  us  next  enter  the  patriarchal  cabin.  Here  we  become  ac- 
quainted with  Uncle  John  Seymour  and  his  two  sisters,  widows, 
Mrs.  Glenville  and  Aunt  Kitty  Littleton.  Here  are  also  encabin- 
ed  John  Glenville  and  Miss  Emily  Glenville,  the  youngest  of  the 
family.  Here  too  is  a  young  woman  for  help — in  fact  "the  gal ;" 
and  here  are  to  abide  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Carlton — 

"All  in  one  cabin?" 

All  in  one  cabin.  But  a  family  you  know  is  the  most  com- 
pressible and  yet  the  most  expansive  of  bodies.  Yes!  here  we 
two  and  a  half  families  endured  the  compression  and  lost  no 
breath,  and  even  seemed  to  have  a  few  spare  inches  of  room! 
And  yet  many  years  after,  in  a  different  part  of  the  world,  did 
Mr.  Carlton's  own  single  family  expand  and  spread,  and  without 
any  violent  effort  whatever,  their  importance  through  a  mansion 
containing  fourteen  apartments,  with  cellars,  and  garrets,  and 
kitchens  and  all — and  still  fret  for  the  want  of  room ! 

"But  what  led  to  the  formation  of  your  colony,  Mr.  Carlton? 
what  induced  gentlemen  and  ladies  of  your  education  and  en- 
dowments to  settle  in  so  remote  an  obscurity?" 

Thank  you,  Sir — the  reasons  alluded  to  in  the  commencement 
of  this  history  operated  in  our  case  as  in  the  cases  of  a  thousand 
others;  but  it  was  mere  accident  that  turned  our  folks  to  their 
location  in  the  New  Purchase. 

The  Seymours  at  the  close  of  the  last  war  with  Great  Britain 
resided  in  Philadelphia.  Like  others  they  risked  their  capital 
during  the  war  in  the  manufactories  of  that  era ;  and  like  others, 


90  FIRST  YEAR 

when  peace  was  proclaimed,  the  Seymours  were  ruined.3  John 
Seymour — familiarly  known  among  us  as  Uncle  John — on  his 
arrival  from  the  South,  where,  during  a  residence  of  many  years 
he  had  acquired  a  handsome  fortune,  found  his  sisters  Mrs.  Glen- 
ville  and  Mrs.  Littleton,  in  great  distress,  their  husbands  being 
recently  dead;  and  having  not  long  before  his  return  buried  his 
wife  (who  however  had  borne  him  no  children),  he  immediately 
took  under  his  protection  the  two  widowed  ladies,  his  sisters, 
together  with  the  four  children  of  Mrs.  Glenville.  Fearing  his 
means  were  not  sufficient  to  sustain  the  burden  providentially  cast 
upon  him,  at  least  in  the  way  that  was  desirable,  he  resolved  to 
remove  to  Kentucky.  Accordingly,  the  newly  organized  family 
all  removed  to  the  West ;  with  the  exception  of  Miss  Eliza  Glen- 
ville, who  was  left  to  complete  her  education  with  the  excellent 
and  justly  celebrated  Mr.  Jaudon.  With  this  amiable  and  in- 
teresting creature.*  Mr.  Carlton,  who  somehow  or  other  always 
had  a  taste  for  sweet  and  beautiful  faces,  became  acquainted — 
"Oh!  Mr.  Carlton!— do  tell  all  about  this—" 
Not  now,  young  ladies,  something  must  be  reserved  for  future 
works.  But  after  the  usual  courtships,  lovers'  quarrels,  scenes 
and  walks  in  the  garden — (Pratt's,)  versifications,  notes  on  gilt- 
edged,  flame-coloured  paper,  ornamented  with  cooing  doves  and 
little  fat  dumpling  cupids — in  short,  after  the  most  approved 
meltings,  misgivings,  misapprehensions  and  so  forth,  came  the 
customary  Miss-taking — and  with  the  consent  of  friends  east 
and  west  we  were  married. 

It  had  been  part  of  the  arrangement  that  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Carlton 
should  join  the  family  in  Kentucky,  and  that  we  should  establish 
there  a  Boarding  School  for  Young  Ladies ;  but  now  came  a  let- 
ter from  John  Glenville  that  Uncle  John  unfortunate,  not  in 

3  The  experience  of  the  Seymours  as  related  here  was  similar  to  that 
of  the  many  others  in  the  East  following  the  War  of  1812.  The  hard  times 
and  panic  of   1817-19  sent  jobless  workmen  and   landless  and  bankrupt 
debtors  to  the  West  in  droves  and  the  New  Purchase  received  its  share 
of  the  hardy  and  adventurous  pioneers  who  were  coming  West  to  seek 
out  new  fortunes  and  to  grow  up  with  the  country.    The  author  here  indi- 
cates an  economic  influence  of  prime  importance  leading  to  the  settlement 
of  the  West. 

4  The  young  lady. 


FIRST  YEAR  9I 

selling  a  very  valuable  property  at  a  fair  price,  but  in  receiving 
that  price  in  worthless  notes  of  Kentucky  banks  (which,  like 
most  banks  every  twenty  or  thirty  years,  had  failed),  had  with 
his  remaining  funds,  as  his  only  resort,  bought  a  tract  of  govern- 
ment lands  in  the  New  Purchase;  and,  that,  if  I  could  join  him 
with  a  few  hundred  dollars  in  a  little  tanning,  store-keeping,  and 
honest  speculation,  we  might  gain,  if  not  riches,  at  least  indepen- 
dence. He  added  that  maybe  something  could  be  done  in  the 
school  line. 

Sorry  so  good  a  man  as  Uncle  John — and  the  world  boasts  none 
nobler — should  be  the  victim  of  fraud,  yet  strange!  I  found 
mingled  with  the  feeling  of  distress  a  secret  joy  that  so  plausible 
an  inducement  existed  for  a  life  in  the  genuine,  far  away,  almost 
unfindable  backwoods !  Less  poetic  indeed  than  her  husband,  yet 
Mrs.  C.  earnestly  wished  to  see  her  relatives;  and  so  off  we  started, 
as  the  reader  knows,  in  Chapter  Second,  and  here  we  are  waking 
up  a  little  from  a  curious  dream,  in  Chapter  Fourteenth.  Some 
folks  dream  all  the  way  through  to  the  very  last  chapter! 

Here  we  found  our  new  relative  the  Rev.  James  Hilsbury, 
who  had  married  Sarah  Glenville  in  Kentucky,  and  was  now  a 
missionary  in  the  Purchase,  in  order  to  look  up  "a  few  sheep 
scattered  in  the  wilderness."  And  to  our  great  amazement  here 
we  found  too,  Uncle  Leatherstocking ;  for  about  him  Glenville 
in  his  letter  had  been  silent,  willing  us  to  be,  as  all  had  been, 
taken  by  surprise ;  because  the  family  on  removing  to  their  new 
world  had  found  the  old  gentleman  comfortably  squatted  in  a 
little  nook  of  their  territories,  when  he  was  supposed  all  the 
time  to  be  yet  among  the  Indians  on  Lake  Michigan! 

At  the  time  of  our  arrival  Uncle  John  was  barely  recovered 
from  a  very  serious  hurt  received  in  the  early  settlement  of  the 
colony.  In  order  to  prepare  a  cabin  he  left  the  family  in  Ken- 
tucky and  went  to  the  Purchase  alone;  it  being  arranged  that 
the  family  under  the  care  of  John  Glenville  should  join  him  as 
soon  as  information  came  that  things  were  ready.  But  one 
day  Mr.  Seymour,  being  with  his  guide  in  the  woods,  and  in 
the  act  of  mounting  a  restive  horse,  the  animal  scared  at  the 
near  and  sudden  leap  of  a  deer,  plunged  and  knocked  down  Mr. 
Seymour,  causing  the  fracture  of  one  arm  and  several  ribs.  For 


92  FIRST  YEAR 

six  dreadful  weeks  he  there  lay  in  consequence,  under  a  shantee 
of  poles  and  bark  actually  built  over  him  as  he  lay  unable  to  be 
moved,  by  some  neighbours  called  by  the  guide.  And  these  set 
the  bones  and  dressed  the  wounds,  according  to  Mr.  Seymour's 
directions,  as  well  as  they  could;  and  then  leaving  the  sufferer 
alone  most  of  the  day,  as  was  unavoidable,  they  brought  his 
victuals  at  iregular  intervals,  and  slept  near  him  by  turns  at  night. 
On  one  occasion,  however,  our  wounded  friend  would  have  re- 
ceived a  very  disagreeable  visitor,  but  for  the  fortunate  arrival 
at  the  moment  of  a  neighbour  woman  with  his  dinner — who 
exclaimed, 

"Grammins !  neighbour  Seymour,  if  there  ain't  a  powerful  nasty 
varmint  coming  to  see  you !" 

The  nature  of  the  visitor  was  soon  revealed  to  Uncle  John; 
for  alarmed  at  the  approach  of  the  woman,  the  "nasty  varmint" 
close  to  the  patient's  head  but  behind  his  camp,  raising  his  terrific 
head,  made  at  the  same  time  the  whole  woods  tremulously  vocal 
with  that  rattle  so  peculiar  and  so  startling  even  to  the  accustom- 
ed ear.  But  scarcely  had  Uncle  John  time  for  alarm  before  the 
fearless  woman  had  stopped  the  music;  and  then  dragging  his 
dying  snakeship  in  front  of  the  camp,  she  first  measured  his 
length,  more  than  five  and  a  half  feet,  and  secondly  pulled  off 
what  she  called  "a  right  smart  chance  of  rattles"  and  gave  them 
to  Mr.  Seymour.  And  this  memento  of  his  escape,  Uncle  John 
one  day  as  he  narrated  the  affair,  handed  over  to  me  to  hang  to 
the  sounding  post  of  my  fiddle — such  being  the  western  secret 
of  converting  common  violins  into  cremonas.  I  tried  the  ex- 
periment of  course;  but  not  being  willing  to  take  out  a  patent, 
I  now  offer  the  said  rattles  to  any  ingenious  Yankee  (who  wishes 
to  try  the  thing) ,  for  a  box  of  clarified  rosin ! — the  rattles  count 
sixteen  and  a  button;  just  sixteen  semi,  and  part  of  a  demisemi- 
quaver  to  every  shake ! 

As  soon  as  Mr.  Seymour  could  be  carried,  he  was  conveyed  to 
Mr.  Sturgis'  house,  and  then  he  wrote  for  his  family;  who  has- 
tening on  through  many  inconveniences  and  perils,  all  arrived  in 
safety  and  found  Uncle  John  just  able  to  walk  without  assistance. 
But  as  to  the  cabin  it  was  as  yet  unchinked,  undaubed,  and  with- 
out its  stack  chimney;  yet  into  that  deplorable  hovel  all  were' 


FIRST  YEAR  93 

forced  to  remove  and  complete  it  at  their  leisure!  Ay,  folks 
that  knew  all  about  three  story  brick  houses  in  Philadelphia! 
and  who  had  ridden  in  their  own  carriages,  in  the  settlements  of 
the  Old  Purchase!  and  promenaded  Chestnut-street,  some  of 
them  haughtily,  and  proudly,  and  delicately! 

Ye  that  have  paid  $20,000  for  a  dwelling,  what  do  you  think 
of  a  dwelling  that  cost  20,000  cents? — for  that  our  cabin  cost — 
.and  experienced  woodmen  said  that  was  too  much — that  Uncle 
John  had  been  cheated — and  that  our  cabin  could  have  been 
finished  off  for  $10!  from  the  laying  of  the  first  stick  to  the 
topping  of  the  chimney ! ! 

Our  cabin  was  in  truth  a  cabin  of  the  Rough  Order;  for 
reader,  the  orders  of  cabin  architecture  are  various  like  those 
of  the  Greek;  for  instance — the  Scotched  Order.  In  this,  logs 
are  hacked  longitudinally  and  a  slice  taken  from  one  side,  the 
primitive  bark  being  left  on  the  other  sides.  The  scotching, 
however,  is  usually  done  for  pastime  by  the  boys  and  young 
women,  while  the  men  are  cutting  or  hauling  other  timbers. 
The  Hewed  Order — in  which  logs,  like  the  stones  for  Solomon's 
Temple,  are  dressed  on  purpose.  The  Stick-out-Corner  Order 
— the  logs  left  to  project  at  the  corners;  and  the  reverse  of  this, 
the  Cut-off-Corner  Order.  I  might  name  too,  the  Doubtful  or 
Double  Order.  In  this,  two  cabins  are  built  together,  but  until 
the  addition  of  chimneys,  it  is  doubtful  whether  the  structure  is 
for  men  or  brutes ;  and  also  the  Composite  Order — i.  e.  loggeries 
with  stone  or  brick  chimneys. 

But  our  abode  was,  from  necessity,  of  the  Rough  Order — its 
logs  being  wholly  unhewed  and  unscotched — its  corners  project- 
ing and  hung  with  horse  collars,  gears,  rough  towels,  dish  cleaners 
and  calabashes  !5  it  had  moreover  a  very  rude  puncheon  floor,  a 
clapboard  roof,  and  a  clapboard  door;  while  for  window  a  log 
in  the  erection  had  been  skipped,  and  through  this  longitudinal 
aperture  came  light  and — also  wind,  it  being  occasionally  shut 
at  first  with  a  blanket,  afterwards  with  a  clapboard  shutter. 
Neither  nail  nor  spike  held  any  part  of  the  cabin  together;  and 
even  the  door  was  hung  not  with  iron,  but  with  broad  hinges  of 

5  The  usual  water  dippers  in  the  pioneer  cabin  homes  were  made  from 
the  calabashes,  or  gourds. 


94  FIRST  YEAR 

tough  bacon  skin.  These,  however,  our  two  dogs,  (of  whom  more 
hereafter,)  soon  smelled  and  finally  gnawed  clean  off,  when  we 
pinned  on  thick  half  tanned  leather,  which  swagging  till  the  door 
dragged  on  the  earth,  we  at  last  manufactured  wooden  hinges; 
and  these  remained  till  the  dissolution  of  our  colony.  The  en- 
tire structure  was,  in  theory,  twenty  feet  square,  as  measured  by 
an  axe-handle  having  set  off  on  itself  two  feet  from  the  store 
keeper's  yardstick,  where  the  cabin  builder  bought  his  handle  at 
Woodville.  But  I  ever  believed  the  yardstick  itself  must  have 
shrunk  in  seasoning,  because  our  carpets  stretched  inside,  as  will 
be  described  in  the  next  Chapter,  made  the  gross  length  only 
nineteen  feet  two  inches,  and  the  neat  length  inside,  an  average 
about  seventeen  feet  one  inch.  As  our  arrival  caused  a  new  ar- 
rangement of  the  interior  cabin,  we  shall  start  on  this  subject 
afresh  in 


CHAPTER  XV. 

" Qui  miscuit  utile  dulci." 

" Which  mixes  soap  and  sugar." 

THRIFTY  housewives  in  cutting  little  boys'  roundabouts  and 
trowsers  always  contrive  out  of  a  scant  pattern  of  pepper  and  salt 
stuff,  to  leave  enough  for  patches ;  but  for  the  Glenvillians  it  re- 
mained to  subdivide  two  hundred  and  eighty  nine  square  feet 
of  internal  cabin  into  all  the  apartments  of  a  commodious  man- 
sion. Hence  ours  became  the  model  cabin  in  the  Purchase. 

And  first,  the  puncheoned  area  was  separated  into  two  grand 
parts,  by  an  honest  Scotch  carpet  hung  over  a  stout  pole  that 
ran  across  with  ends  rested  on  the  opposite  wall  plates;  the 
woollen  portion  having  two-thirds  of  the  space  on  one  side  and 
the  remaining  third  on  the  other. 

Secondly,  the  larger  space  was  then  itself  subdivided  by  other 
carpets  and  buffalo  robes  into  chambers,  each  containing  one 
bed  and  twelve  nominal  inches  to  fix  and  unfix  in ;  while  trunks, 
boxes  and  the  like  plunder  were  stationed  under  the  bed.  Ar- 
ticles intended  by  nature  to  be  hung,  frocks,  hats,  coats,  &c., 


FIRST  YEAR  95 

were  pendent  from  hooks  and  pegs  of  wood  inserted  into  the 
wall.  To  move  or  turn  around  in  such  a  chamber  without  mis- 
chief done  or  got  was  difficult;  and  yet  we  came  at  last  to  the 
skill  of  a  conjuror  that  can  dance  blindfolded  among  eggs — we 
could  in  the  day  without  light  and  at  night  in  double  darkness, 
get  along  and  without  displacing,  knocking  down,  kicking  over, 
or  tearing! 

The  chambers  were,  one  for  Uncle  John  and  his  nephew ;  one 
for  the  widow  ladies  and  Miss  Emily,  who,  being  the  pet,  nestled 
at  night  in  a  trundle  bed,  partly  under  the  large  one ;  and  one  very 
small  room  for  the  help,  which  was  separated  from  the  Mistress' 
chamber  by  pendulous  petticoats.  Our  apprentices  slept  in  an 
out-house.  These  chambers  were  all  south  of  the  grand  hall  of 
eighteen  inches  wide  between  the  suites ;  on  the  north,  being  first 
our  room  and  next  it  the  stranger's — a  room  into  which  at  a 
pinch  were  several  times  packed  three  bodies  of  divinity  or  cler- 
ical dignitaries.  Beyond  the  hospitality  chamber  was  the  toilette 
room,  fitted  with  glasses,  combs,  hair-brushes,  &c.,  and  after 
our  arrival,  furnished  with  the  first  glass  window  in  that  part  of 
the  Purchase.  The  window  was  of  domestic  manufacture,  be- 
ing one  fixed  sash  containing  four  panes,  each  eight  by  ten's, 
by  whose  light  in  warm  weather  we  could  not  only  fix  but  also 
read  in  retirement. 

Thirdly,  the  smaller  space,  east  of  the  Scotch  wall,  was  sub- 
divided, but  like  zones  and  tropics,  with  mere  imaginary  lines. 
Front  of  the  fire-place  was  the  parlour.  Into  it  were  ushered 
visitors,  mainly,  however,  to  prevent  curiosity  or  awkwardness 
from  meddling  with  the  corners  and  their  uses;  but  against 
which  we  were  forced  finally  to  place  a  table  or  two  as  pre- 
ventives. 

The  right  hand  corner  was  the  ladies'  private  sitting  room.  It 
was  fitted  with  clap-board  shelves,  and  on  these  were  arranged 
work-bags,  boxes,  baskets,  paint-boxes,  machinery  for  sewing, 
knitting,  &c.  The  left  side  and  whole  corner  was  the  library, 
or  as  usually  styled — Carlton's  study. 

Our  artificial  rooms  were  indeed  connected  with  some  anom- 
alies: for  instance,  under  the  parlour,  was  the  Potato  Hole! 
And  that  held  about  twenty  bushels.  The  descent  into  this 


96  FIRST  YEAR 

spacious  vault,  was  accomplished  by  raising  a  puncheon  and 
vaulting  down  on  the  vegetables ;  the  ascent,  by  resting  the  hands 
on  the  edges  of  the  parlour  floor  and  weighing  the  body  up. 
Again,  Carlton's  study  had  in  it  a  species  of  dresser-closet,  in- 
vented and  constructed  by  the  author  himself.  It  was  construct- 
ed of  clap-boards  dressed  with  a  hatchet,  and  held  on  some 
shelves,  books  in  several  languages,  writings,  plates,  knives,  fid- 
dle, pepper-box,  flute,  mustard-box,  and  box  of  rosin,  and  so  on; 
while  some  modest  and  light  cooking  utensils  were  lodged  in 
the  basement  story  shelves.  To  conceal  the  structure  was  hung 
over  as  much  of  its  front  as  could  be  covered,  an  invalid  table 
cloth,  very  white  and  very  patched. 

The  kitchen  proper  had,  about  ten  yards  from  the  mansion 
house,  a  whole  cabin  to  itself.  Here  were  all  the  vulgar  pots, 
kettles,  frying-pans,  homminy-block,  and  the  like;  here  the  com- 
mon cooking,  the  washing  and  ironing,  and  weaving,  and — oh! 
ever  so  many — common  and  uncommon — common  things  besides. 
Pickling,  preserving,  cake-baking,  clear-starching,  sugar-refining, 
ruffle-ironing,  candy-making,  and  all  such  polite  affairs  were 
commonly  honoured  with  attention  in  the  parlour. 

Like  most  grandee  people  brought  low  and  "flitting"  to  the 
West,  our  plunder  was,  like  the  Vicar's  Family  Picture,  too 
large  for  the  house.  We  had  also  no  small  quantum  of  envy 
and  jealousy  exciting  articles,  "the  like  of  which  had  never  been 
seen  growing  among  corn,"  at  least  in  the  Purchase — and  such, 
policy  required  should  be  hid.  Many  things,  therefore,  were  left 
packed  and  deposited  in  lofts  and  outhouses.  Still  some  impolitic 
articles  were  unpacked,  being,  however,  kept  concealed  behind 
the  curtain — like  sacred  mysteries  from  the  eyes  and  hands  of 
the  profane.  But  an  accident  soon  after  our  arrival  delivered 
the  colony  from  part  of  these. 

A  large,  antique,  and  elegantly  Japanned  waiter  had  been  nicely 
balanced  on  a  shelf  in  the  toilette  chamber;  and  on  this  grand 
affair  were  tastefully  set  numerous  anti-tee-total  glasses,  jelly 
glasses,  remains  of  a  gilded  French  china  tea  set,  and  ever  so 
many  Reliquiae  Danaum — all  regarded,  I  fear,  with  half  repress- 
ed elation,  as  shining  remembrances  of  departed  glory  and  great- 
ness. Anyhow,  more  than  once  on  my  sudden  appearance  behind 


FIRST  YEAR  97 

the  woolly  rampart,  there  was  Mrs.  C,  ay,  and  even  Aunt  Kitty 
herself,  a  handling,  and  a  dusting,  and  a  refixing  the  relics,  as 
devout  as  if  all  had  been  saints'  bones — often  with  smiles  of 
complacency — but  sometimes  with  tears!  And,  after  all,  per- 
haps, that  was  not  so  very  unreasonable : — friends  far  away  now 
— yes  some  no  more  on  earth — dear  friends  had  once  surrounded 
that  very  waiter — sipped  tea  from  those  very  cups — and  in  the 
fashion  of  bygone  days,  had  drunk  healths  from  those  glasses. 
Reader!  may  be  you  have  shed  secret  tears  yourself  over  such 
things?  We  think  of  friends  then,  do  we  not?  Mournful  shad- 
ows of  the  past  are  in  the  vision !  But  the  Genius  of  the  Woods 
was  incensed :  and  mark  the  consequences. 

One  day  Mrs.  Seymour  entered  the  parlour  with  a  cake  of 
sugar-tree  sugar  in  her  hands,  and  nearly  as  large  and  heavy  as 
she  could  conveniently  carry.  After  our  unanimous  admiration 
of  its  size,  and  breaking  off  lumps  to  taste,  the  dear  old  lady  dis- 
appeared to  deposit  the  saccharine  treasure  on  the  great  store 
shelf  constructed  immediately  over  the  waiter  of  idols.  Now  oak 
pins  are  very  strong,  tough  and  tenacious,  and  of  most  Job-like 
endurance — but  the  creatures  will  not  bear  every  thing;  hence 
the  two  enormous  pins  under  the  store  shelf  had  repeatedly  sighed 
forth  remonstrances,  as  extra  pound  after  pound  of  hard  soap, 
sugar,  tallow,  and  jugs  of  vinegar  and  molasses,  and  what  nots, 
were  cruelly  and  inconsiderately  added  to  the  already  almost 
insupportable  weight.  But  to-day,  when  that  hugeous  lump  of 
sugar  was  suddenly  added  to  the  grievance,  the  indignant  pins 
would  stick  to  it  no  longer:  in  a  moment — without  one  further 
premonitory  creak,  off  they  both  snapped  simultaneously — and 
down  came  the  soap  and  sugar  and  tallow — down  came  the  store 
tea  and  the  true  coffee-coffee,  and  the  rye-coffee,  and  the  ocra, 
and  the  spices  in  brown  paper  bags,  and  the  pepper,  red  and  black 
in  exiled  tea  cups!  Ah!  yes!  alas!  alas!  and  down  came  that 
japanned  waiter  and  its  gilded  cups,  and  conical  glasses  for 
wine,  and  bell-mouthed  ones  for  ices  and  jellies!  and,  moreover, 
down  went  the  dear  old  lady  of  the  crimped  cap,  all  rolling, 
heaped,  mixed  higgledee-piggledee,  into  one  bushel  and  a  peck  of 
yellow  corn  meal  reposing  in  a  wash  tub,  and  thirty-one  and  a 
half  pounds  of  wheat  flour  in  a  half-bushel  measure,  below!  So 


98  FIRST  YEAR 

much  can  a  big  lump  of  unclarified  backwoods  sugar  do!  Ah! 
had  it  been  double  rectified  loaf,  in  blue  paper,  of  a  conical  form 
and  neatly  bound  with  hard  twisted  twines,  dividing  off  circles 
and  parabolas!  But  a  lump  of  uncivilized  sweetness  just  turned 
out  of  a  pot! 

Mrs.  Seymour,  however,  was  soon  extricated  amid  the  almost 
endless  oh's — ah's  who-could-have-thought-it's — and  similar  ex- 
clamations, queries,  reproaches  and  extenuations,  pertaining  to  ac- 
cidents created  by  ourselves;  and  happily  she  had  sustained  no 
injury  whatever,  although  the  outer  woman  was  considerably 
well  sugared,  well  mealed,  well  vinegared,  and  not  a  little  soaped ! 
But  the  glory  of  the  brittle  ware  shone  only  in  pieces — multiplied 
but  not  increased !  Not  an  idol  escaped,  save  a  little  punch  goblet 
belonging  to  the  Carlton  ancestry,  and  at  the  time  considerably 
more  than  a  century  old!  and  whether  the  sagacity  of  age  was 
the  cause  or  not,  this  ancient  relic  contrived  to  roll  by  itself  into 
an  untouched  part  of  the  meal  tub,  where  after  the  pell-mell 
ended,  it  was  discovered,  whole  and  sound.  If  any  one  is  in- 
credulous we  will  show  him  when  he  calls,  the  venerable  article 
yet  preserved  in  cotton ! 

About  the  time  of  the  accident  just  told,  the  venerable  old  pier 
glass,  suspended  opposite  the  only  door  of  the  cabin  was  threat- 
ened with  a  very  great  danger.  A  neighbour  having  ended  a 
morning  call,  that,  according  to  the  etiquette  of  the  Purchase, 
had  lasted  from  a  short  time  after  breakfast  till  past  noon,  rose 
to  depart  with  the  farewell  formula,  "Well,  I  allow  I  must  be  a 
sort  a-goin,"  and  then  off  he  started  with  great  activity  in  the  di- 
rection of  the  door  visible  but  not  real.  In  other  words  mistaking 
the  open  door  reflected  in  the  glass  for  the  true  door,  he  began 
kicking  his  heavy  shod  feet  towards  the  mirror ;  but  as  he  ducked 
his  head  to  clear  the  lintel  of  the  scant  door,  he  naturally  en- 
countered a  rough  looking  personage  seemingly  butting  against 
himself  from  the  apparent  door — when  round  he  wheeled,  con- 
fused indeed,  but  just  in  time,  (and  before  we  could  have  ar- 
rested him)  to  avoid  stepping  into  the  very  bosom  of  the  old 
reflector. 

Such  risk  was  too  great  for  the  glass  to  encounter  again,  and 
so  it  was  carefully  re-packed  and  put  away  'till  we  removed  some 


FIRST  YEAR  99 

years  after  to  Woodville;  where,  as  it  could  be  placed  so  as  to 
imitate  neither  door  nor  window,  it  was  brought  again  into  the 
light  and  permitted  to  renew  its  reflections.  Alas !  then,  however, 
a  dear  face  that  had  been  familiar  to  the  old  mirror  for  nearly 
three-fourths  of  a  century,  was  seen  pictured  there  no  more! 
Young  and  joyous,  and  pleasant  faces,  have  often  since  peeped 
from  its  bosom;  but  never  one  so  mild,  so  resigned,  so  radiant 
even  on  earth  with  beams  from  the  heavenly  world,  as  that 
venerable  and  venerated  countenance  gazing  now  and  with  out  a 
medium  upon  the  resplendent  and  ravishing  scenes ! 

Pulvis  et  umbra  sumus ! 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

"Quadrupedante  putrem  quatit  ungula  canipum." 
"A  horse   a  'horse !  my  kingdom  for  a  horse !" 

J.  GLENVILLE  and  myself,  not  being  able  to  complete  certain 
arrangements  immediately,  my  first  summer  and  autumn  were 
spent  in  learning  two  arts,  the  one  tending  to  the  preservation  of 
hides,  the  other,  to  the  destruction  of  hides : —  grinding  bark,  and 
rifle-shooting.  The  present  chapter  is  devoted  to  the  former,  the 
subsequent  one,  to  the  latter  art. 

Our  bark-house  was  of  the  Grecian  architecture  in  its  infancy, 
being  almost  wholly  upright  poles  as  columns,  on  which  reposed, 
(when  the  grinding  ceased,)  the  calm  moonlight  horizontals,  kept 
from  falling  off  by  the  crotches  of  the  perpendiculars.  On  the 
horizontals  were  laid  other  poles,  and  on  these  the  roof,  the 
latter  being  with  due  regard  itself  made  of  bark.  Under  this 
shelter  was  our  store  of  bark,  mostly  oak  and  chestnut,  with  here 
and  there  a  pile  of  beech;  and  here,  at  one  end,  was  our — ay! 
what  shall  it  be  called;?  Ye  tanners  and  curriers,  and  all  ye  other 
hide  dressers!  Shall  ye  say  our  bark-masher — or  breaker — 
or  mill — or  pounder — or  tritterer?  However,  I  will  describe, 
and  you  name. 

First,  was  a  hexagonal  beam.  This  stood  up  nearly  perpen- 
dicular, its  iron  pivots  at  each  inserted  into  iron  sockets  fastened 
above  and  below ;  and  by  means  of  these  pivots  the  beam  could, 


ioo  FIRST  YEAR 

when  required,  circulate  with  entire  freedom.  Next,  into  this 
hexagonal,  was  fixed  at  right  angles  an  hexagonal  axis,  yet  free 
to  move  at  the  end  inserted;  while  its  other  end,  passing  first  the 
nominal  centre  of  a  wheel  (the  axis  there  being  wedged  in  theory 
immoveable) ,  it  continued  beyond  the  lateral  surface  of  said  wheel 
far  enough  to  admit  fixtures  for  Old  Dick — a  quadruped  pre- 
sently to  be  introduced,  not  fashionably  and  formally  by  the  tip 
of  a  hat  and  the  tip  of  a  finger,  but  in  detail,  i.  e.  from  head  to 
tail. 

But  the  wheel! — ah!  had  we  that  wheel  and  dear  Old  Dick  in 
here  to  grind  bark  as  a  show!  It  came  nearer  perpetual  motion, 
that  is,  when  Dick  was  harnessed,  and  I  had  the  rake  in  my  hand, 
nearer  than  anything  I  have  ever  known  since  Redheifer's.  The 
article  was  composed  of  eight  large  white-oak  blocks;  the  four 
interior  ones  being  parallelogramic,  the  four  circumferential, 
plano-convex ;  and  all  bound  by  long  wooden  pins  driven  from  the 
circumference,  and  by  enormous  clamps  on  the  lateral  surfaces. 
In  this  state  of  e  pluribus  unum,  the  affair  was  as  near  a  circle  as 
is  the  earth  to  a  sphere ;  and  when  art  so  closely  resembles  nature 
wheelwrights  should  be  satisfied.  But  when  motion  began,  the 
sections  and  segments  not  moving  unanimously,  circles  were 
evolved  whose  circumferences  did  not  obey  the  definition,  in 
preserving  equal  distances  from  the  centre — nor  did  the  centre 
stick  exactly  to  its  own  point.  Especially  were  these  irregularities 
visible,  if  old  Dick  became  fidgetty,  or  "suspicioned"  I  was  going 
to  rake  him — when  he  would  jerk  the  whole  concern  with  so  sud- 
den a  vengeance,  as  not  only  to  displace  the  central  wedges  in- 
tended to  confine  the  axis  in  the  wheel,  but  to  threaten  the  disso- 
lution of  the  whole  bark  house. 

The  wheel  (by  courtesy),  was  fourteen  inches  thick;  and  its 
circumference  was  pierced  with  many  holes  by  an  inch-and-quarter 
auger  to  the  depth  of  eight  inches  in  towards  the  centre ;  and  these 
holes  were  armed  with  strong  pegs  or  wooden  teeth,  driven  to  the 
entire  depth,  and  left  projecting  from  the  circumference  about 
four  inches  each: — the  whole  thus  forming  as  tremendous  and 
effective  an  engine  of  torture  as  the  best  inquisitors  could  desire 
for  the  extension  of  the  Church.  Indeed,  if  any  saint,  after  his 
Holiness  shall  have  converted  our  pagan  countries,  shall  wish 


FIRST  YEAR  I0i 

with  young  Doctor  Oxford  to  break  ungodly  heretics,  either  on 
or  under  the  wheel,  for  offences  against  the  State,  ours  would  be 
the  very  dandy.  But  let  no  Mr.  Dominick  think  Old  Dick  could 
have  been  either  persuaded  or  goaded  to  pull  the  wheel  over  human 
beings:  hardly  could  he  be  frightened  or  coaxed  to  pull  it  over 
lifeless  bark !  No !  no !  godly  people  must  work  the  wheel  them- 
selves, unless  they  prefer  to  turn  it  into  a  treadmill,  or  employ 
steam. 

Lastly,  the  floor.  This  had  the  perpendicular,  hexagonal  rotary 
shaft  first  described,  as  its  centre,  or  thereabouts;  whence  ex- 
tended imaginary  radii,  some  five,  others  nearly  six  feet,  render- 
ing it  doubtful  if  three  times  the  diameter  was  precisely  equal 
to  the  circumference.  Still  the  circumference  being  bounded  by 
a  border  rising  above  the  floor  an  average  of  ten  inches,  the  con- 
tents of  the  area  could  easily  be  known  by  the  wheelbarrow  loads 
of  ground  bark  carried  thence  to  the  vats — near  enough  at  least 
for  a  popular  lecture  before  some  institute  of  practical  science. 

Another  last  word,  however,  seems  necessary  here,  about  our 
floor.  It  was  of  puncheons.  Not,  my  friend,  the  puncheons  of 
brandy  stores,  distilleries,  or  other  alcoholic  abodes,  but  back- 
wood  puncheons.  And  these  are  a  species  of  Robinson  Crusoe 
board,  being  planks  from  three  to  ten  feet  long,  and  from  two  to 
five  inches  thick ;  and  wide  as  the  size  of  the  trees  whence  they 
are  severally  hewed  by  the  means  of  axe  and  adze.  On  such 
gigantic  flooring  do  primitive  Buckeyes,  Hoosiers  and  the  like 
tread  and  sleep,  after  the  departure  of  the  red  aboriginals. 

But  come,  Dick,  my  nonpareil  of  "hoss  beasts,"  trot  up,  for  thy 
history  and  portrait. 

When  this  remarkable  quadruped  was  foaled  is  uncertain. 
No  satisfaction  on  this  point  could  be  gained  even  from  his  own 
mouth:  not  that  Dick  would  utter  a  deliberate  falsehood— 
that  was  impossible— but  still  the  answers  he  gave  by  his  mouth, 
to  different  experienced  jockeys,  made  some  say  he  was  sixteen, 
and  others  twenty-six  years  old !— I  have  known  some  even  insist 
he  must  be  at  least  thirty !  and  some  even  forty !  I  incline  to  the 
opinion,  however,  that,  like  certain  human  bachelors,  Dick  was 
of  no  particular  age. 

It  is  agreed  by  all  that  he  was  foaled,  however,  and  in  Penn- 


102  FIRST  YEAR 

sylvania,  among  the  mountains  about  the  Bear  Gap.  Here  he 
was  brought  up  to  the  wagoning  business,  having  served  his  ap- 
prenticeship with  the  famous  teamster,  Mr.  Conestoga  Dutchy. 
Acting  in  his  tender  years  as  wheel-horse,  he  was  so  constantly 
squeezed  between  the  wagon  pushing  him  forward  from  his  tail, 
and  his  master  pulling  him  backward  from  his  head,  that  his 
longitudinal  growth  was  very  greatly  impeded,  and  it  could  be  said, 
not  that  Dick  was  longer  than  any  other  brief  horse,  but  only 
not  quite  so  short.  Happily,  what  was  wanting  to  the  fellow's 
longitude  was  added  to  his  latitude ;  and  after  all,  he  had  as  much 
weight  of  character  as  longer  horses,  and,  like  a  French  bullet, 
more  too  in  a  lump.  On  emergencies,  although  Dick  was  edu- 
cated as  a  wheel-horse,  he  could  act  in  the  lead,  and  well  under- 
stood the  difference  between  the  line  jerked  and  the  line  pulled 
— indeed,  better,  I  must  confess,  than  Mr.  Carlton  himself,  who 
often  managed  the  line  wrong,  to  the  great  jeopardy  of  his  load; 
only  Dick,  out  of  generosity,  would  usually  go  the  way  the  driver 
meant,  but  for  which  in  ignorance,  he  had  given  the  improper 
signal. 

At  the  earnest  recommendation  of  their  mutual  friends,  Dick 
was  bought  as  a  family  horse  by  Uncle  John,  when  in  Northum- 
berland. Accordingly  the  fellow,  after  performing  wonders  on 
the  journey  from  Philadelphia  to  the  West,  in  hawing  and  geeing, 
and  in  pulling  right  dead  ahead  up  one  side  a  mountain  and  hold- 
ing back  down  the  other;  and  after  having  ploughed,  and  har- 
rowed, and  thrashed,  &c.  in  Kentucky,  came  at  last  with  the 
family  to  the  Purchase,  where  at  our  arrival  he  was  cherished  as 
no  unimportant  member  of  the  Glenville  community. 

Here  he  hauled  logs  for  cabins  and  fires,  bark  for  the  tannery, 
went  to  mill  both  with  and  without  the  cart,  and  sometimes  to 
meeting  and  sometimes  to  Woodville.  In  going  to  mill  without  the 
cart  he  usually  carried  one  man  and  two  bags,  bag  No.  i,  full 
of  wheat,  bag  No.  2,  full  of  corn,  and  this  was  always  the  case  in 
freshets,  for  Dick  forded  creeks  like  a  sea-horse;  although  the 
things  on  his  back  might  keep  dry  if  they  could,  his  own  being 
under  water:  as  to  being  floated  away — phoo! — preposterous! — '• 
Dick  could  stay  a  creek  like  a  dam!  He  could  grind  bark  too; 
carry  raw  hides  and  hides  tanned,  having  no  fears  either  about 


FIRST  YEAR  103 

his  own !  It  was  almost  like  that  of  a  rhinoceros,  and  would  have 
resisted  every  process  to  transmute  it  into  leather,  patent  or  un- 
patent — and  we  used  both. 

But  nothing  so  endeared  Dick  to  his  friends  as  his  mental  and 
moral  qualities.  He  was  for  these  worthy  of  the  fairy  age;  and 
had  he  lived  in  the  days  of  Beauty  and  the  Beast,  I  do  think  he 
would  have  talked  right  out  as  well  as  the  best  of  the  brutes 
belonging  to  the  era.  He  was,  among  other  matters,  the  only 
horse  that  had  a  relish  for  practical  jokes.  Let  any  one  leave  a 
nice  flitch  of  fat  bacon  in  the  sun  till  the  pot  was  ready,  under  the 
notion  too,  that  greasing  a  horse's  teeth  will  stop  his  eating  oats, 
the  rascal  was  sure  to  smell  out  and  devour  it!  Let  the  girl  set 
out  a  swill  for  Sukey,  and  turn  away  a  few  moments — you  might 
catch  sight  of  the  tip  of  Dick's  ear  as  he  peeped  from  behind  the 
smoke  house  till  the  coast  was  clear,  and  the  next  instant  he 
would  be  gobbling  the  mess,  lifting  his  black-brown  head  to  grin 
at  the  stupid  cow,  and  with  a  keen  twinkling  eye  watching  the  re- 
turn of  the  girl.  And  when  the  help  came  in  a  whirlwind  of 
wrath  not  indeed  on  but  with  a  broomstick — bah !  how  he  would 
heel  it  snorting  and  showing  his  teeth  equivalent  with  him  to 
saying — "catch  a  duck  asleep!"  Or  when  Dick  was  regaling  on 
his  own  allowance  of  corn  on  the  ear,  in  the  front  of  the  inclined 
cart,  and  swiney  ran  grunting  up  for  a  chance  grain  or  so  dropped 
on  the  ground,  our  wag  would  on  a  sudden  with  his  teeth  seize 
the  unschooled  creature  just  back  of  the  shoulders,  and  then  lift- 
ing him  up,  shake  him  so  as  to  fill  all  Glenville  with  the  squealings 
of  terror  or  pain ;  making  it  evident  to  all  untutored  beasts  that 
Dick  himself  had  lived  when  the  schoolmaster  was  abroad. 

He  was  kind  to  men ;  but  to  women  he  was  specially  kind.  For 
fun  he  would  carry  males  double  and  even  treble;  but  females 
might  be  packed  from  stem  to  stern  and  the  kind  soul  would  trot 
away  with  an  evident  care.  True,  he  would  now  and  then  turn 
his  quizzical  head  with  a  make-believe  snap  at  the  dangling  feet, 
but  it  was  manifest  all  was  sham  from  his  peculiar  grin — (his  way 
of  laughing) — when  any  not  acquainted  with  the  trick  would 
scream  or  jump  down.  When  thus  used  for  sport,  no  saddle  or 
bridle  was  needed,  the  passengers  on  the  forecastle  holding  by  the 
mane,  those  on  the  poop,  by  the  helm,  and  those  amidships  sitting, 


104  FIRST  YEAR 

a  la  squaw,  with  ancles  on  both  sides.  The  steering  was,  how- 
ever, done  at  the  prow  by  boxing  his  ears ;  when  he  turned  at  right 
angles  with  the  slap,  and  if  fun  was  to  be  made,  which  was  always 
indicated  to  him  by  a  peculiarity  in  the  slapping,  he  turned  so 
suddenly  as  to  occasion  the  rise,  the  fall,  and  the  flourish  of  petti- 
coats. And  indeed  this  was  the  grand  recreation  and  sport  in  the 
whole  affair !  and  a  ride  on  old  Dick  was  one  of  the  inducements 
to  the  young  ladies  from  the  neighbourhoods  to  visit  Glenville! 

Ay!  you  may  suspend  all  this  on  your  nose:  but,  believe  me, 
in  no  way  is  the  fear  of  the  East  before  people's  eyes  out  there ; 
secondly,  folks  will  play ;  and  thirdly,  remember  "de  gustibus  nori" 
— i.  e.  literally  translated  "some  love  hog  and  homminy." 

But  I  must  not  make  too  large  a  picture ;  so  with  the  mention 
of  Dick's  idyosyncracy — (for  since  the  birth  of  Phrenology  that 
disease  is  quite  fashionable) — we  shall  for  the  present  suffer  him 
to  trot  away.  Like  other  celebrated  persons  he  had  then  his 
antipathies:  he  never  could  bear  the  sight  of  a  dead  owl!  and, 
unless  blindfolded,  would  never  carry  on  his  back  the  carcass  of 
a  dead  deer !  And  this,  after  carrying  barn-hill  fowls  a  dozen  at 
a  time  tied  by  the  legs  and  dangling  against  his  sides !  and  tanned 
and  raw  hides  innumerable!  Hence  his  enemies  may  suppose  it 
was  all  affectation — but  it  was  no  such  thing — it  was  real  and  un- 
controllable idyosyncracy — as  real  as  Dr.  Reverence's  towards  a 
live  cat,  or  Col.  Butcher's  towards  a  drawn  sword ! 

Such  then  was  our  barkery,  our  bark,  and  our  bark  grinder — 
and,  such  was  old  Dick.  But  all  in  motion!  Can  one  without  a 
black  board  and  diagrams  exhibit  the  cycloids  of  that  uncircular 
roundity — the  wheel  ?  Can  we  without  brass  bands  and  bad  play- 
ers make  audible  the  skreaking  of  the  ungreased  pivots? — the 
curious  moaning  and  growling  of  the  axis? — and  the  dreadful 
cracking  and  crashing  of  the  bark  under  the  miniature  Jugger- 
naut? And  who  has  skill  to  catch  and  fix  on  paper,  or  canvas, 
the  look  and  manner  of  that  more  than  half  reasoning  horse? — 
after  resting  the  full  hour  I  had  been  in  chase  of  a  playful 
squirrel,  starting  off  at  the  crack  of  the  rifle,  and  trying  to  prove 
by  his  manner  that  he  had  been  going  all  the  time! 

If  any  one  is  Hogarth  enough  when  he  undertakes  this  work 
with  "picters  to  match,"  let  him  not  fail  to  illustrate  old  Dick 
and  the  Bark  Mill. 


CHAPTER   XVII. 

"Omne  tulit   punctum," 
"Centre  every  time." 

READER,  were  you  ever  fired  with  the  love  of  rifle  shooting? 
If  so,  the  confidence  now  reposed  in  your  honour  will  not  be 
abused,  when  told  my  love  for  that  noble  art  is  unabated :  nay,  let 
me  whisper  in  your  ear — 

"What  yet?" 

Yes — in  the  corner  of  my  bed  chamber  a  genuine  New  Purchase 
rifle !  And  all  the  forest  equipments, — otter  skin  bullet  pouch  with 
a  tail  gracefully  pendent — a  scalping  knife  in  a  sheath  adorned 
with  porcupine  quills — a  savage  little  hatchet — a  powder  horn, 
and  its  loader  of  deer-horn,  tied  on  with  a  deer  sinew  and  holding 
enough  to  prime  a  shot  gun — a  mould  running  three  hundred 
and  twenty-five  to  the  pound — wipers — an  iron  hook  to  tote 
squirrels — and  some  hundred  and  fifty  patches  all  strung  and  fast- 
ened to  the  leather  strap  of  the  pouch — ay !  and  a  pair  of  mocca- 
sins and  pair  of  green  leggins,  and — 

"Do  you  ever  yet  go  a  gunning?' 

Gunning ! — alas !  is  that  degrading  appellation  to  be  applied  to 
hunting ! — but  how  should  they  know  ?  Yes,  I  do  steal  off  some- 
times and  try  to  fancy  myself  in  the  woods.  But  what  are  these 
scrawney  little  trees  fenced  in  to  prevent  cattle  from  eating  them 
down  ?  Where  is  a  squirrel,  or  a  raccoon,  or  a  fox,  or  a  turkey  to 
hide?  And  where  can  one  lose  himself  and  camp  out?  No 
grand  and  centurial  trees  here  reaching  up  to  heaven  and  sending 
roots  to  the  centre  of  the  earth !  No  hollow  caverns  in  enormous 
trunks,  where  wolves  and  bears  may  lurk !  No  vast  sheltering  ex- 
panse of  tops  where  panthers  and  wild  cats  may  find  security 
How  vain  to  think  of  crawling  through  a  thicket  of  undergrowth 
to  the  leeside  of  a  deer,  stopping  with  moccasined  foot — stirring 
no  leaves — cracking  no  twig — shaking  no  bushes — till  one  can  get 
within  the  magical  distance,  a  hundred  yards.  Nothing,  nothing 
here,  to  excite  dread,  call  forth  skill,  reward  toil,  and  show  the 
independence  of  the  hunter. 

True,  I  make-believe,  like  little  girls,  playing  baby  house;  I 

105 


io6  .  FIRST  YEAR 

say  to  myself,  "Now  Carlton,  'spose  that  old  log  away  off  there 
was  a  bear? — or  that  tame  turkey  a  wild  one? — or  that  cream- 
coloured  calf  a  deer— or  that  sharp  eared  dog  a  wolf?"  And 
instinctively  I  catch  myself  with  my  side  that  way,  drawing  a 
bead  with  one  eye  into  the  hind  sight  and  fixing  the  other  on  the 
may-fee  game,  and  then,  clicks  goes  the  trigger.  Fortunate,  the 
rifle  is  not  cocked.  Indeed,  these  rehearsals  are  always  without 
a  load;  if  not,  farewell  to  the  integrity  of  the  little  knot  in  the 
old  log — and  to  the  gambols  of  calf  and  dog — good  night  to  the 
eyes  of  farm  turkies  and  dunghill  roosters ! 

In  vain  do  flocks  of  black-birds  and  robbins,  and  torn-tits  rise ! 
— they  might  perch  on  my  shoulders:  for  who  but  a  wretched 
dandy  and  shot-gun  driveller,  with  a  double-barrelled  gun,  a 
whole  pound  of  powder!  and  four  pounds  of  shot!  will  fire  at  a 
flock,  killing  two  and  wounding  twenty?  To  be  sure  a  curious 
stranger  will  sometimes  meet  us  and  politely  request  to  see  "a 
rifle  discharged!"  and  with  an  incredulous  smile  wonder  if  a 
man  can  really  hit  a  solitary  single  bird  with  so  "minute"  a  ball ! 
And  then  we  cannot  but  show  off,  and  so  we  begin  with  amazing 
condescension : 

"Sir!  do  you  see  that  little  blue  bird?" 
"Oh !  yes !  that  tiny  creature  on  the  next  tree." 
"  Tut,  no ! — that  to  your  right,  on  the  post." 
"What!  that  away  there?    too  far,  Sir,  too  far." 
"Too  far ! — forty-five  yards  in  a  straight  line ! !" 
Reader,  we  hit  at  any  height  or  in  any  direction ;  but  a  horizon- 
tal or  a  little  below  is  our  preference.    The  rifle  is  better  balanced, 
and  the  light,  especially  in  opposition  to  the  sun,  is  thus  less 
dazzling  and  makes  the  cleanest  bead.    Hence  I  select,  if  possible, 
on  occasions  like  the  present  a  bird  so  placed  as  to  render  the 
affair  more  like  our  target  firing. 

"Now,  Sir."— we  continue— "I  shall  hit  that  bird." 
"If  you  do,  I  will  eat  it." 

"Then  you  will  have  your  supper  in  a  second  or  two." 

And  with  that  I  set  triggers — toss  down  my  hat — feel  for  a 

level  with  my  feet — cock  rifle — turn  left  side  to  the  mark — raise 

the  piece  with  my  thumb  on  the  cock — incline  shoulders  back  with 

knees  bending  outward — till  the  mass  of  man  and  gun  rest  on 


FIRST  YEAR  107 

the  base — let  fall  the  rifle  a  little  below  object — and  then,  ceasing 
to  breathe  and  stopping  my  pulse,  and  bringing  into  the  hind  sight 
a  silver  bead  like  a  pin's  head,  I  rapidly  raise  that  bead  till  dark- 
ened by  the  feathers  under  the  throat — and  the  next  you  see  is  a 
gentle  flutter  of  spread  wings  as  if  the  poor  little  creature  was 
flying  down  for  a  worm  or  a  crumb. 

"Ah!  Sir,  you've  only  inflicted  a  severe  wound;  but  really  this 
is  wonderful !  I  could  hardly  believe  in  this  skill  unless  I  saw  it." 

"Well,  sir,  please  pick  it  up;  the  poor  tit  is  dead  enough,  and 
never  knew  what  hurt  him."  And  of  course,  reader,  it  must  be 
so,  for  the  bird's  head  is  off. 

Such  skill  was  of  course  not  the  work  of  a  day.  Ounces  of 
powder  and  pounds  of  lead  were  spent  in  vain  first,  and  many  a 
squirrel,  at  the  crack  of  the  rifle,  would  remain  chattering  or 
eating  a  nut,  imagining  somebody  was  shooting  somewhere ;  until 
conjecturing  by  the  third  or  fourth  ball  pealing  bark  some  two  or 
three  feet  from  him,  that  the  firing  was  rather  in  his  direction, 
away  he  would  scud  for  fear  a  chance  bullet  should  maybe  hit 
him !  But  my  heart  was  in  the  matter  in  those  days.  Hence  it  is 
no  great  marvel  if  in  due  time  my  rifle  dealt  out  certain  death 
second  to  none  in  the  Purchase.  What  avail  then  concealment  in 
the  topmost  branches;  there  was  the  dark  spot  of  a  body  or  a 
head  amid  the  green  leaves.  What !  a  retreat  behind  crotches  or 
into  holes;  there  was  yet  the  tip  of  an  ear  or  point  of  a  nose, 
or  twinkle  of  an  eye.  Or  did  a  squirrel  expand  on  a  small  limb 
till  his  body  above  was  a  mere  line  of  fur  on  the  bark  like  feathery 
hair  on  a  caterpillar?  in  vain,  "the  meat"  was  mine. 

A  squirrel  once  so  stretched  himself  as  to  create  a  doubt 
whether  a  squirrel  was  above  the  branch  or  not;  tout  firing 
secundum  artem  down  he  came,  and,  as  was  necessary,  dead. 

Yet  wound  external  had  he  none;  he  had  been  killed,  as 
is  often  the  case,  although  it  occurred  but  once  with  me,  by 
concussion;  the  ball  having  struck  the  limb  of  the  tree  exactly 
under  his  heart. 

Let  none  think  we  western  people  follow  rifle  shooting, 
however,  for  mere  sport;  that  would  be  nearly  as  ignoble) 
as  shot  gun  idleness  The  rifle  procures,  at  certain  seasons,  the 
only  meat  we  ever  taste ;  it  defends  our  homes  from  wild  animals 


io8  FIRST  YEAR 

and  saves  our  corn  fields  from  squirrels  and  our  hen-roosts  from 
foxes,  owls,  opossums  and  other  "varments."  With  it  we  kill  our 
beeves  and  our  hogs,  and  cut  off  our  fowls'  heads :  do  all  things 
in  fact,  of  the  sort  with  it,  where  others  use  an  axe,  or  a  knife, 
or  that  far  east  savagism,  the  thumb  and  finger.  The  rifle  is  a 
woodman's  lasso.  He  carries  it  everywhere  as  (a  very  degrading 
comparison  for  the  gun,  but  none  other  occurs),  a  dandy  a  cane. 
All,  then,  who  came  to  our  tannery  or  store  came  thus  armed ;  and 
rarely  did  a  customer  go,  till  his  rifle  had  been  tried  at  a  mark, 
living  or  dead,  and  we  had  listened  to  achievements  it  had  done 
and  could  do  again.  No  wonder,  in  these  circumstances,  if  I 
should  practice ;  especially  when  it  needed  but  the  flash  of  a  rifle 
pan  to  set  off  our  in-bred  magazine  of  love  and  tendencies  towards 
bullet  moulds  and  horn  loaders!  No  wonder,  that,  after  many, 
failures,  even  in  hitting  a  tree,  Mr.  Carlton  could  be  seen  in  his 
glory  at  last,  standing  within  lines  of  beholders  right  and  left,  and 
at  forty-five  yards  off-hand  planting  bullet  after  bullet  into  the 
same  auger  hole !  Reader !  may  you  live  a  thousand  years ;  but  if 
you  must  die,  unless  somebody  will  save  your  life  by  splitting  an 
apple  on  your  head — (William  Tell  size) — at  fifty  yards  off-hand 
with  a  rifle  ball,  send  for  me — shut  your  eyes  for  fear  of  flinching 
— and  at  the  crack — go,  your  life  is  your  own. 

Old  Dick  is  one  hobby  often  mounted  literally  and  maybe  now 
too  often,  metaphorically,  the  rifle  is  my  other:  But  with  this 
by  no  means  must  we  bore  you;  and,  therefore,  after  narrating 
my  famous  shots  in  behalf  of  the  Temperance  Society,  we  shall 
for  the  present  put  the  gun  on  the  rack  over  the  fireplace. 

Glenville  and  myself  were  once,  on  some  mercantile  affairs, 
travelling  in  an  adjoining  county,  when  we  came  suddenly  on  a 
party  preparing  to  shoot  at  a  mark;  and  from  the  energy  of 
words  and  gestures  it  was  plain  enough  a  prize  of  unusual  im- 
portance was  proposed.  We  halted  a  moment,  and  found  the 
stake  to  be  a  half-barrel  of  whiskey.  If  ever,  then  and  there  was 
to  be  sharp-shooting;  and  without  question,  then  and  there  was 
present  every  chap  in  the  settlements  that  could  split  a  bullet  on 
his  knife  blade  or  take  the  rag  off  the  bush. 

"Glenville,"  said  I,  seized  with  a  sudden  whim,  "lend  me  fifty 
cents;  I  mean  to  shoot." 


FIRST  YEAR  109 

"Nonsense !  Carlton ;  you  can't  win  here ;  and  if  you  could,  what 
does  the  president  of  a  temperance  society  want  with  a  barrel  of 
whiskey  ?" 

"John,  if  I  can  find  a  gun  here  anything  like  my  own,  I  can 
win.  And  although  I  have  never  before  won  or  lost  a  penny,  I 
shall  risk  half  a  dollar  now  for  the  fun  of  the  thing,  and  to  have 
the  satisfaction  of  knocking  yonder  barrel  in  the  head  and  letting 
out  the  stuff  into  the  branch  here." 

After  some  further  discussion  Glenville  acquiesced,  and  we 
drew  near  the  party;  where  dismounting,  I  made  the  following 
speech  and  proposal : 

"Well,  gentlemen,  I  think  I  can  outshoot  any  man  on  the 
ground,  if  you  will  let  us  come  in  and  any  neighbour  here  will 
allow  me  to  shoot  his  gun,  in  case  I  can  find  one  to  my  notion; 
and  here's  my  fifty  cents  for  the  chance.  But,  gentlemen  and  fel- 
low citizens,  I  intend  to  be  right  out  and  out  like  a  backwoods- 
man ;  and  so  you  must  all  know  we  are  cold  water  men,  and  don't 
believe  in  whiskey;  and  so,  in  case  we  win,  the  barrel  is,  you 
know,  ours,  and  then  I  shall  knock  the  article  in  the  head.  But 
then  we  are  willing  to  pay  either  in  money  or  temperance  tracts 
the  amount  of  treat  every  gentleman  will  get  if  anybody  else 
wins." 

To  this  a  fine,  hardy  looking  farmer  apparently  some  sixty 
years  old  and  evidently  the  patriarch  of  the  settlement,  replied : 

"Well,  stranger,  come  on;  you're  a  powerful  honest  man  any 
how;  and  here's  my  hand  to  it;  if  you  win,  which  will  a  sort  a 
tough  you  though,  you  may  knock  the  stingo  in  the  head.  And 
stranger,  you  kin  have  this  here  gun  of  mine,  or  Long  Jake's 
thare ;  or  any  one  you  have  a  notion  on.  How  do  you  shoot  ?" 

"Off-hand,  neighbour;  any  allowance?" 

"Yes;  one  hundred  yards  with  a  rest;  eighty-five  yards  off- 
hand." 

"Agreed." 

"Agreed." 

Arrangements  and  conditions,  usual  in  grand  contests  like  that 
before  us,  were  these: 

ist.  A  place  level  as  possible  was  selected  and  cleared  of  all 
intervening  bushes,  twigs,  &c.  2d.  A  large  tree  was  chosen. 


I  io  FIRST  YEAR 

Against  this  the  target  shingles  were  to  be  set,  and  from  its  roots 
or  rather  trunk,  were  measured  off  towards  the  upper  end  of  the 
cleared  level,  the  two  distances,  eighty-five  and  one  hundred  yards. 
A  pair  of  very  fine  natural  dividers  were  used  on  this  occasion; 
viz.  a  tall  young  chap's  legs,  who  stepped  with  an  elastic  jerk, 
counting  every  step  a  yard ;  a  profitable  measure  if  one  was  buy- 
ing broadcloth;  but  here  the  little  surpluses  on  the  yards  were 
equally  to  the  advantage  of  all.  3d.  Cross  lines  at  each  distance, 
eighty-five  and  one  hundred  yards,  were  drawn  on  the  measured 
line ;  and  on  the  first  the  marksman  stood  who  fired  off-hand,  while 
on  the  second  the  rests  were  placed  or  constructed.  Rests  de- 
pended on  taste  and  fancy ;  some  made  their  own — some  used  their 
own — some  used  their  comrades' — and  some  rested  the  rifle  against 
the  side  of  a  tree  on  the  line :  and  of  all  the  rests  this  is  the  best, 
if  one  is  careful  to  place  the  barrel  near  its  muzzle  against  the 
tree  and  not  to  press  hard  upon  the  barrel.  Some  drive  in  two 
forked  stakes  and  place  on  them  a  horizontal  piece;  and  some 
take  a  chair,  and  then  seated  on  the  ground,  they  have  the  front 
of  the  chair  towards  them  and  its  legs  between  their  feet,  resting 
the  whole  gun  thus  upon  the  seat  of  the  chair.  Again,  many  set 
a  small  log  or  stone  before  them,  and  then  lying  down  flat  on  their 
bellies,  they  place  the  muzzle  on  the  rest  and  the  butt  of  the  gun 
on  the  ground  near  their  face ;  and  then  the  rifle  seems  as  move- 
less as  if  screwed  in  a  vice.  In  this  way  Indians  and  woodsmen 
often  lie  in  ambuscade  for  deer  at  the  licks,  or  enemies  in  war. 

4th.  Every  man  prepared  a  separate  target.  This  was  a  poplar 
single,  having  near  its  middle  a  spot  blackened  with  powder  or 
charcoal  as  a  ground ;  and  on  this  ground  was  nailed  at  its  four 
corners  a  piece  of  white  paper  about  an  inch  square  and  its  centre 
formed  by  a  diamond  hole ;  two  corners  being  perpendicularly  up 
and  down.  From  the  interior  angles  of  the  diamond  were 
scratched  with  a  knife  point  two  diagonals,  and  at  their  inter- 
section was  the  true  centre.  With  a  radius  of  four  inches  from 
this  centre  was  then  circumscribed  a  circle :  if  beyond  this  circum- 
ference any  one  of  the  allotted  shots  struck,  ay!  but  a  hair's 
breadth,  all  other  shots,  even  if  in  the  very  centre,  were  nugatory — 
the  unlucky  marksman  lost. 

5.     Each  man  had  three  shots.    And  provided  the  three  were 


FIRST  YEAR  in 

within  the  circle,  each  was  to  be  measured  by  a  line  from  the 
centre  of  the  diamond  to  the  near  edge  of  the  bullet  hole — except 
a  ball  grazed  the  centre,  and  then  the  line  went  to  the  centre  of 
the  hole — and  then,  the  three  separate  lengths  added  were  esti- 
mated as  one  string  or  line,  the  shortest  securing  the  prize.  This 
is  called  line  shooting. 

6th.  Each  one  fixed,  or  had  fixed,  his  target  against  the  tree 
as  he  pleased ;  and  then,  each  man  was  to  fire  his  three  shots  in 
succession,  without  being  hurried  or  retarded.  We  occupied  on 
an  average  to-day  every  man  about  fifteen  minutes. 

More  than  thirty  persons  were  assembled,  out  of  whom  had 
been  selected  seven  as  the  best  marksmen ;  but  these,  induced  by 
the  novelty,  having  good-naturedly  admitted  me,  we  were  now 
eight.  Of  the  eight,  five  preferred  to  shoot  with  a  rest;  but  the 
old  Achates,  the  sapling1  woodman  that  had  stepped  off  the  dis- 
tances, and  myself,  were  to  fire  off  hand.  All  the  rifles  were 
spontaneously  offered  for  the  stranger's  use.  I  chose,  however, 
Tall  Jake's;  for  although  about  a  pound  too  heavy,  it  sighted 
like  my  own,  and  went  as  easy  on  the  triggers,  and  carried  one 
hundred  and  eighty  to  the  pound — only  five  more  than  mine  which 
carried  one  hundred  and  seventy-five. 

Auditors  and  spectators  now  formed  the  double  lines,  standing, 
stooping,  and  lying  in  very  picturesque  attitudes,  some  fifteen 
feet  each  side  the  range  of  the  firing,  and  that  away  down  towards 
the  target  tree  even,  behind  which  several  chaps  as  usual,  planted 
themselves  to  announce  at  each  crack  the  result  of  the  shot.  All 
this  seems  perilous;  and  yet  accidents  rarely  happen.  In  all  my 
sojourn  in  the  Purchase  we  had  but  two.  The  first  happened  to  a 
fine  young  fellow,  who  impatient  at  some  delay,  peeped  out  it  is 
supposed,  to  ascertain  the  cause,  when  at  the  instant  the  rifle 
was  fired,  and  its  ball  glancing  entered  his  head  and  he  fell  dead 
in  his  tracks.  The  next  happened  to  an  elderly  man,  who  was 
stationed  behind  a  large  tree  awaiting  the  report,  and  who  at  the 
flash  of  the  gun,  fell  from  behind  with  one  piercing  cry  of  agony, 
bleeding  and  dying: — the  trunk  was  hollow  and  in  and  opposite 
the  place  where  our  neighbour  stood  in  apparent  safety,  was  a 
mere  shell,  through  which  the  ball  had  gone  and  entered  his  heart ! 

1  Tall  Jake. 


112  FIRST  YEAR 

Well,  the  firing  at  length  began.  I  have  no  distinct  recollection 
of  every  shot.  Now  and  then,  a  central  ball  was  announced, 
and  that  followed  by  two  others  a  full  inch  or  may  be  an  inch  and 
an  eighth  even  from  the  centre;  and  once,  where  two  successive 
balls  were  within  the  diamond,  the  third,  by  some  mischance  of 
the  rest  depended  on,  struck  on  the  very  edge  of  the  grand  circle. 
Balls,  too,  were  sometimes  planted  in  three  different  corners  of 
the  paper — very  good  separate  shots — yet  proving  want  of  steady 
and  artistical  sighting,  or  even  a  little  experimenting  with  the 
edges  of  the  hind  sight;  which  was  owing  doubtless  to  drawing 
the  bead  to  the  edge  and  not  the  bottom. 

A  smart  young  fellow  having  made  two  very  fair  shots,  boasted 
so  grandly  about  his  new  rifle,  that  a  grave,  middle-aged  hunter 
offered  to  bet  a  pound  of  lead,  that  if  the  young  chap  would  al- 
low him  after  the  gun  was  rested  for  the  shot,  to  rub  his  hand 
from  the  lock  to  the  muzzle,  he  would  so  bewitch  the  rifle  that 
she  should  miss  the  big  tree.  This  was  all  agreed  to ;  and  then, 
such  as  knew  how  to  bewitch  rifles  rapidly  retreated  to  our  rear, 
and  such  as  did  not,  were  beckoned  and  called  till  they  came.  All 
ready,  the  young  man  on  the  ground,  and  his  rifle  on  its  rest,  our 
conjuror  ran  his  hand  slowly  along  the  barrel,  pausing  an  instant 
at  the  muzzle,  and  uttering  an  incantation,  and  then  going  behind 
the  marksman,  he  bade  him  fire  when  he  liked.  This  he  did ;  and 
marvellous  enough  it  was — the  ball  not  only  missed  the  shingle, 
but  struck  no  where  in  the  tree !  Great  was  the  astonishment  and 
mortification  of  the  youth ;  but  as  we  magnanimously  allowed  him 
a  shot  extra  and  without  witchcraft,  his  countenance  brightened 
and  especially  when  his  ball  now  spoiled  the  inner  edge  of  his 
diamond. 

Perhaps  you  are  curious,  and  wish  to  learn  how  to  bewitch  a 
rifle?  I  will  tell  on  one  condition: — all  the  spectators  when  a 
rifle  is  bewitched  must  be  made  to  come  to  the  rear  of  the  firing 
party.  Here  is  the  recipe :  let  the  rifle-doctor  conceal  in  his  hand 
a  bullet  small  enough  for  the  purpose,  and  on  rubbing  as  far  as 
the  muzzle,  let  him  as  adroitly  as  possible  deposit  said  bullet  just 
within  the  said  muzzle — safely  betting  any  number  of  pounds 
of  lead,  that  whatever  else  the  marksman  may  hit,  he  cannot  hit  his 
shingle.  N.B.  See  that  the  rifle  to  be  bewitched  has  no  triggers- 


FIRST  YEAR  113 

set,  and  is  not  on  cock,  otherwise  two  tartars  of  a  very  unpleasant 
character  may  be  caught  by  the  rifle-doctor  instead  of  one. 

One  man  only  took  to  his  belly  (the  technical  term  was  to  fire 
on  his  belly),  but  as  his  log-rest  turned  a  little  at  the  third  shot, 
the  unerring  bullet,  following  the  guidance  of  the  barrel,  stuck 
itself  plump  outside  the  circumference  named,  and  thus  nullify- 
ing one  true  central  ball,  and  one  in  the  lower  interior  point  or 
angle  of  his  diamond.  Another  man  was  still  more  unfortunate. 
After  two  most  excellent  shots,  his  gun  hanging  fire  at  the  third, 
he  bawled  out,  "No  shot!"  which  being  a  notification  before  the 
shot  could  be  examined  and  reported,  entitled  him  to  another  trial ; 
but  alas!  the  ball  thus  tabooed  had  grazed  the  centre!  Again 
his  gun  hung  fire;  but  now  he  did  not  veto;  and  his  bullet 
was  found  sticking  in  the  tree  an  honest  foot  above  the  top  even 
of  his  shingle ! 

And  now  we,  who  fired  off-hand,  and  thereby  professed  to  be 
"crack"  shots — (yet  most  marksmen  make  a  noise  there) — we 
began  to  make  ready.  We  higgled  a  little  as  to  who  should  lead 
off;  not  to  show  politeness  as  well  bred  folks  in  entering  rooms 
and  carriages,  but  because  all  were,  the  least  bit  however,  cowed, 
and  each  wished  to  see  what  his  neighbour  could  do  first.  When 
that  kind  of  spirit  comes  crawling  over  a  body  in  rifle-shooting, 
it  must  be  banished  in  an  instant.  The  effect  in  oratory  may  be  a 
very  good  speech — (unless  you  stump) — but  in  our  art,  it  is 
always  a  very  bad  shot.  Our  noble  art  demands  calmness  and 
the  most  imperturbable  self-possession ;  and  that,  at  the  beginning, 
the  middle,  the  ending  of  the  exercises.  And  so  I  said : — 

"Well,  gentlemen,  if  you  want  to  see  where  to  plant  your  balls, 
I'm  the  one,  I  think,  to  show  you" — 

"Why  no;  stranger" — replied  the  old  Achates — "I  allow  that 
aint  fair  nither,  to  let  you  lead  off.  We're  all  neighbour-like  here, 
and  'tis  only  right  you  should  see  what  we  kin  do  fust.  I  sort  a 
suppose  maybe  it  will  save  you  the  trouble  of  shootin  anyhow.  So 
come,  Long  Jake,  crack  away  and  I'll  foller — and  arter,  you, 
stranger,  may  shoot  or  not  jist  as  you  like  best." 

"Agreed,  grandaddie,"  responded  Long  Jake,  "so  here  goes." 
And  then  Jake,  after  returning  from  the  old  beech,  where  he 
had  put  up  his  target,  took  his  rifle,  left  a  moment  leaning  against 


114  FIRST  YEAR 

a  tree,  and  with  firmness  and  grace  stepped  on  the  line.  Two 
things  and  only  two  gave  me  hopes,  viz.,  he  shut  his  left  eye  and 
held  on  the  diamond  without  rising  or  falling  perpendicularly  to 
it :  but  then  he  held  that  rifle  as  if  it  were  the  true  horizon — and 
then — click — snap — but  no  report.  Lucky  snap  for  me2  I  knew 
it  must  have  been  a  central  ball ;  but  still  better  for  me — Jake  was 
embarrassed  a  little.  Shaking  out  the  damp  powder  he  primed 
afresh,  and  again  began  his  aim.  Now,  however,  a  very  slight 
vibration  seemed  to  glimmer  on  his  barrel,  and  when  he  did  fire, 
I  was  not  disappointed  nor  greatly  displeased  at  the  cry  from 
the  fellows  that  leaped  from  behind  the  target  tree — "rite  hand 
corner,  grazin  the  dimind !"  Again  Jake  loaded,  raised  his  piece, 
and  fired  at  first  sight,  and  the  cry  now  came — "centre!"  This 
increased  my  neighbour's  confidence,  and  happily  lessened  his 
carefulness;  for  sighting,  as  he  himself  afterwards  confessed,  "a 
leetle  bit  coarseish  like,"  the  cry  now  was — "line  shot,  scant 
quarter  'bove  centre !" 

"Come,  grandaddie,"  said  Jake  to  the  old  gentleman  as  he 
walked  up  to  the  line  from  adjusting  his  shingle,  "you  must  do  a 
little  better  nor  that,  or  maybe  we'll  lose  our  stingo,  for  I  know 
by  the  way  this  stranger  here  handles  my  rifle,  he's  naturally  a 
hard  chap  to  beat." 

This  speech  was  occasioned  by  my  handling  the  gun,  taking  aim, 
setting  triggers,  &c.,  in  order  to  get  better  acquainted  with  the 
piece ;  and  which  experiments  resulted  in  a  secret  and  hearty  wish 
for  my  own  gun. 

"Well,  Jake,  I  allow  yours  kin  be  beat  a  bit,"  replied  our  veteran 
taking  his  position  on  the  line.  At  a  glance  towards  his  "toot  en 
sembell,"  Mr.  Carlton  too,  allowed  he  had  met  his  match — and, 
perhaps  even  with  his  own  gun.  How  grand  the  calmness — as  if 
in  no  battle!  How  alive  muscle  and  feature — as  if  in  the  midst 
of  enemies !  There  he  is  dropping  his  bead — ay,  his  eyes  both  wide 
awake,  and  he  raises  the  piece  till  that  bead  dims  on  the  lower 
point  of  his  diamond — a  flash — and  from  the  tree — "centre !"  He 

2  I  am  sorry  to  say  it,  but  nobody  in  rifle-shooting  is  an  Emmonite,  or 
even  a  Hopkinsian;  he  wishes  his  neighbour  to  make  good  shots — but  not 
too  good.  And  where  perfect  first-rate  marksmen  contend,  an  accident 
only  can  give  any  of  them  the  victory. 


FIRST  YEAR  115 

was  soon  again  ready,  and  at  his  second  flash,  came  the  cry — ' 
"upper  edge,  fust  hole!" — and  that  cry  was  answered  along  the 
gradually  narrowing  and  crowded  lines,  by  the  whole  company 
— "hurraw  for  grandaddie — hurraw-aw !"  His  third  shot,  brought 
from  the  tree — "lee-e-tle  tor'ds  rite  corner  of  dimind — jeest  grazed 
centre!" — and  was  answered  by — "grandaddie  forever,  hur- 
raw-aw-aw !" 

"Carlton,"  maliciously  whispered  Glenville,  "the  stingo  is  safe 
— anti-temperance  beats !" 

I  felt  honour  demanded,  however,  a  trial;  and  so  requesting 
Glenville  to  fix  as  I  should  direct  my  target,  I  stood  on  the  line 
of  firing,  sighting  several  times  with  open  pan  and  no  priming; 
until  the  mark  exactly  suited,  when  I  cried  out  "stand  clear!" 
And  now,  supposing  Jake's  rifle  sighted  like  my  own,  and  threw  its 
ball  a  little  above  its  head  (as  indeed  is  best),  I  drew  up  as  usual, 
with  rapidity,  and  fly  just  as  the  bead  caught  the  lower  tip  of 
my  diamond,  the  report  instantly  returned  being — "inside  lower 
pint  of  dimind,  scant  quarter,  b'low  -centre !" 

"Blame  close,  stranger,"  said  the  old  hero,  "but  I  allow  you'll 
have  to  mend  it  to  beat  me." 

"Praise  from  you,  my  old  friend,  is  worth  something — I'll  try 
my  best  to  satisfy  you." 

Jake's  rifle  was  now  understood:  she  sent  balls  exactly  where 
she  aimed,  and  not  as  mine,  and  most  good  rifles,  an  eighth  of  an 
inch  above.  Making,  therefore,  my  front  sight  a  hair  thicker  and 
fuller  in  the  hind  sight,  and  coming  full  on  the  lower  angle  of  my 
diamond — "Centre!" — was  echoed  from  the  tree  and  along  the 
lines — "hurraw-aw !  for  the  stranger !" 

"You're  most  powerful  good  at  it,"  said  the  old  gentleman, 
"but  my  line's  a  leetle  the  shortest  yet." 

"Well,  my  good  old  friend,  here  goes  to  make  yours  a  little  the 
longest" — and  away,  along  between  the  unflinching  lines  of  excited 
spectators,  whistled  my  third  and  last  ball,  bringing  back  the  cry 
— "lee-e-tle  b'low  the  centre — broke  in  first  hole !"  But,  while  all 
rushed  to  the  examination  and  measurements,  confined  to  our  two 
shingles,  no  exultation  burst  forth,  it  being  doubtful,  or,  as  the 
hunters  said,  "a  sort  of  dubus  whether  the  stingo  was  grandaddie's, 
or  the  stranger's."  In  a  few  moments,  however,  and  by  the  most 


ii6  FIRST  YEAR 

honourable  and  exact  measurements,  it  was  decided  that  the  old 
Achates  had  "the  shortest  string  by  near  about  half  the  brenth  of 
his  bullit!"  And  then  such  uproar  rose  of  mingled  hurraws, — 
screams, — shrieks, — yells, — and  outcries !  an  uproar  none  but  true 
honest-hearted  far  westers,  unadulterated  by  foreign  or  domestic 
scum,  ever  did  or  can  make. 

The  hurricane  over,  the  victor  mounting  a  log  made  the  following 
speech : — 

"Well,  naburs,  it's  my  sentimental  opinyin  this  stranger's  acted 
up,  clean  up,  to  the  notch,  and  is  most  powerful  clever.  And  I 
think  if  he'd  a  fired  his  own  gun  as  how  he  mought  a  come  out 
even,  and  made  up  the  lettle  matter  of  diff'runce  atween  us — and 
that  would  be  near  about  shootin  a  little  bit  the  closest  of  any  other 
chap,  young  or  old,  in  these  'are  diggins — and  so,  says  I,  let's  have 
three  cheers  for  the  stranger,  and  three  more  for  his  friend." 

Oh!  dear  reader!  could  you  have  heard  the  old,  dark  woods 
ring  then ! — I  struggled  hard,  you  may  be  sure ;  but  what  was  the 
use,  the  tears  would  come ! 

We  both  made  replies  to  the  compliment;  and  in  concluding, 
for  I  mounted  the  log  last,  I  touched  on  the  wish  we  really  had  to 
do  good,  and  that  nothing  was  better  for  hardy,  brave,  and  noble 
woodsmen  than  temperance. 

"Well,  strangers,  both  on  you,"  replied  that  very  grand  old 
man,  "you  shan't  be  disapinted.  You  depended  on  our  honour — 
and  so,  says  I,  if  these  'are  naburs  here  aint  no  objection,  let  them 
that  want  to,  first  take  a  suck  of  stingo  for  a  treat,  and  then,  says 
I,  lets  all  load  up  and  crack  away  at  the  cask,  and  I'll  have  fust 
shot." 

"Agreed !  agreed !  hurraw  for  grandaddie  Tomsin — hurraw  for 
strangers! — hurraw  for  the  temperance  society! — load  up,  boys, 
load  up! — nobody  wants  a  suck — crack  away,  grandaddie — crack 
away,  we're  all  ready !"  And  crack  went  old  Brave's  rifle — crack, 
long  Jake's— crack  the  brave  Gyas,  and  the  brave  Cloanthus — and 
crack  every  rifle  in  the  company:  and  there  rolled  the  wounded 
half-barrel,  pouring  its  own  death-dealing  contents  through  its 
perforated  heads  and  sides,  till  soon  the  stingo  was  all  absorbed 
in  the  moist  earth  of  the  forest. 

Glenville  and  I  now  "gathered  hossis   and    put    out,"    highly 


FIRST  YEAR  117 

pleased  with  the  events :  and  a  few  weeks  after  we  were  still  more 
pleased,  at  hearing  that  all  the  company  at  the  prize  shooting  that 
day  had  become  members  of  the  temperance  society.  If,  there- 
fore, any  old  fashioned  temperance  society  (such  as  it  was  before 
fanaticism  ruled  it,)  wishes  champions  to  shoot,  provided  "gran- 
daddie  Tomsin"  will  be  one,  I  know  where  can  be  found  another. 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

"Thou  shalt  not  muzzle  the  ox  when  he  treadeth  out  the  corn." — 
(Obsolete — since  the  use  of  patent  threshing  machines.) 

From  the  time  of  our  arrival  in  and  at  Glenville  (it  being  both 
a  big  and  a  little  place),  we  commenced  forming  acquaintance 
with  our  neighbours.  And  this  business  was  promoted  by  the 
many  "little  and  big  meetings"  held  by  Mr.  Hilsbury  in  all  direc- 
tions, over  and  above  the  regular  monthly  ones  in  Glenville,  and 
on  three  successive  Sabbaths  in  old  man  Welden's  settlement — for 
everybody,  man,  woman  and  child,  was  found  at  meeting.  Nor  does 
it  interfere  with  attendance,  if  it  be  rainy  or  shiney,  or  mighty 
cloudy,  or  powerful  skyey ;  but  in  all  weathers  and  seasons,  and 
from  all  quarters  of  the  woods,  along  roads,  traces,  paths,  or  short 
cuts,  come  horses  to  the  preaching ;  some  with  single  riders  of  any 
sex,  bursting,  at  a  gallop,  into  view,  through  underwood  thickets 
of  spicewood  and  papaw,  or  clearing  log  after  log,  in  a  kind  of 
hop,  skip  and  jump  gait.  Many  horses  indeed  have  two  riders,  a 
mode  of  horsemanship  called  in  the  Purchase  "riding  twice/.'  And 
some  horses  come  with  folks  riding  even  twice  and  a  half,  or  may 
be  thrice :  for  instance,  with  a  man  and  his  wife,  the  latter  holding 
in  her  lap  a  two  year  old  child,  although  the  child  is  very  often 
carried  by  the  father ;  or  with  three  girls ;  or  with  one  beau,  having 
two  sun-bonnetted  damsels  behind.  Dick  always  figured  on  such 
occasions  with  a  cargo  on  his  back  that  doubtless  made  a  lively 
impression  on  his  feelings  of  past  times,  and  of  the  loads  he  had 
in  his  earlier  days  seem  crammed  into  a  Conestoga  wagon:  and 
never,  in  fact,  did  he  look  so  like  a  family  horse  as  on  Sundays, 
when  he  usually  carried  so  much  of  our  family  on  his  back. 


ii8  FIRST  YEAR 

In  fording  swollen  waters,  if  the  water  came  up  no  higher  than 
the  saddle  skirts,  and  if  depending  articles  (legs  and  so  on)  could 
be  crooked  up  or  neatly  packed  on  the  mane,  in  plunged  all, 
whether  riding  once,  twice,  or  mo  re  fold:  nay,  it  was  contended 
that  the  more  riders  the  better ;  the  heavier  weight  preventing  the 
horse  from  being  floated  or  losing  his  foothold  in  a  strong  cur- 
rent. But  if  it  was  certain  that  the  creek  was  ''swimming  high," 
then  the  riders  crossed  on  a  log,  the  horse  swimming  by  its  side 
and  the  bridle  being  held  by  the  rider.  Afterwards  the  furniture 
(saddle  and  so  on)  was  transported  over  the  natural  bridge. 

Arrived  at  meeting  "the  critters"  (alias  the  horses,  or  "hoss 
beasts")  are  hung  to  a  swinging  branch  of  some  tree;  for. such, 
yielding  to  the  inquietude  of  the  horses,  prevents  the  snapping  of 
reins,  and  yet  affords  ample  space  for  the  curvilinear  play  of  the 
hind  quarters.  Nor  are  the  horses  at  all  backward  in  using  their 
ecclesiastical  privileges;  especially  if  we  are  favoured  with  "a 
powerful  smart  preacher,  that  is,  a  fellow  with  a  very  glib  tongue, 
who  preaches  by  inspiration,  and  has  the  wonderful  power  of  say- 
ing nothing,  or  something  worse,  over  and  over  again,  for  hours. 
Then  the  hung  animals,  impatient  maybe,  begin  and  carry  on  extra 
dancings,  rump-rangings,  branch  shakings,  and  other  exercises. 
They  champ  bits! — snap  their  teeth  at  neighbouring  horses! — 
kick,  as  quadrupeds  should,  in  quadruple  time! — and  stamp, 
squeak,  and  squeal !  In  fact,  they  make  as  much  noise  and  behave 
as  foolishly  as  if  they  held  a  fanatical  meeting  themselves ! 

Often  too,  among  the  horses,  are  a  few  knowing  old  codgers 
(and  Dick,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  cultivated  their  acquaintance),  who 
have  slipped  their  own  bridles,  and  are  now  misspending  the  time 
in  eating  off  the  bridle  reins  of  quiet  animals,  or  in  kicking  and 
biting,  with  most  provoking  sang-froid,  fastened  horses,  already 
furious  and  indignant.  Most  horses  when  liberated  usually  start 
home  at  full  speed,  inconsiderately  leaving  folks  that  rode  once  or 
twice  to  meeting,  to  walk  away  in  single  or  double  file,  or  to  get  a 
lift  from  a  neighbour.  Dick,  however,  never  ran  home:  he  pre- 
ferred, like  luke-warm  Christians,  Sunday  visiting;  and  so  went 
to  see  his  neighbours  in  settlements  directly  opposite  the  way  to 
Glenville.  Yet  I  must  say  he  never  made  the  least  objection  to 
be  caught  and  bridled  again — provided  you  could  find  him. 


FIRST  YEAR  119 

Let  none  understand  me  to  say  that  religious  meetings  in  the 
wooden  world  are  not  by  very  many  attended  from  serious  and 
devout  motives :  yet  there,  as  elsewhere,  many  attend  such  meet- 
ings from  secular  motives,  and  some  from  very  improper  ones. 
Numbers  go  to  see  their  neighbours  or  to  hear  the  news,  and  not 
a  few  to  electioneer.  A  very  frequent  cause  is  to  "advertise 
strays." 

Dignity  is  given  to  our  pulpit  gazetteering  by  confining  the 
business  to  the  clergy ;  but  in  the  Purchase,  lay  members,  and  even 
"a  worldling"  give  out  notices :  and  that,  not  by  reading  the  ad- 
vertisement in  the  reverential  manner  of  the  civilized  churches, 
but  extemporaneously  and  orally.  Sometimes  the  affair  assumes 
the  form  of  the  question  implied,  as  thus : — 

"Neighbour  Bushwhack,  livin  down  the  lower  end  of  Sugar 
Holler,  would  like  to  hear  if  any  body  in  this  here  settlement  has 
heern  or  seed  a  stray  critter  of  hissin,  as  his  hoss-beast,  a  three 
year  old  black  geldin,  come  next  spring,  with  a  switch  tail,  but  a 
kind  a  eat  off  by  his  other  colt,  slipt  his  bridle  on  Hick'ry  Ridge 
last  big  meetin,  and  he  aint  heern  or  seen  nothin  of  him  sense." 

To  which  indirect  query  one  or  more  neighbours  rising  up  will 
answer  in  this  style ; — 

"Well,  I  allow  the  critter  didn't  come  over  here,  as  he'd  been 
heern  on  or  seed  by  some  of  us — but  if  any  body  hears  or  sees  sich 
a  stray,  we'll  put  him  up,  and  let  neighbour  Bushwhack  know 
of  it." 

Perhaps  a  notice  thus  given  and  answered  in  a  city  church 
would  do  as  much  to  discountenance  Sabbath  advertising,  as  the 
rebukes  of  the  religious  press.  Try  it. 

A  big  meeting  is  often  held  in  the  woods  in  our  delicious 
autumns.  And  nothing  is  more  welcome  to  our  young  people 
hard  at  work  till  then,  and  needing  a  holiday,  than  such  a  gath- 
ering. Then  is  the  grand  sparking  time,  and  young  men  go  ex- 
pressly as  they  say,  to  find  "a  most  powerful  heap  of  gals!" 
Nor  is  this  curious  heap  of  sun-bonnets  and  calico  frocks  adverse 
to  a  little  extra  attention;  and  hence,  compound  parties  steal 
away  at  intervals  to  the  springs,  where  they  contrive  accidentally 
to  have  a  little  meeting  of  their  own,  whose  merry  and  loud  notes 
return  as  strange  echoes  to  the  voice  of  psalmody  and  prayer. 


120  FIRST  YEAR 

A  small  meeting  extra,  is  often  held  at  night  in  a  friend's  cabin. 
Then  it  sometimes  happens,  by  reason  of  a  storm  or  very  long 
sermon,  or  both,  that  the  folks  conclude  to  stay  all  night;  and 
then  if  the  author's  memory  is  faithful,  we  used  to  see  what  was 
called  "a  leetle  fun."  Nothing  immoral  or  gross  ever  takes  place ; 
but  certainly  we  had  something  more  lively  than  praying  and 
singing. 

It  was,  therefore,  with  some  surprise  we  used  to  read  reports 
from  new  missionaries,  in  which  "the  large  numbers  that  came 
in  all  weathers  and  from  great  distances  to  attend  protracted 
meetings,  and  who  seemed  unable  to  tear  themselves  away  from 
the  exercises,  &c.  &c."  was  considered  as  conclusive  evidence  that 
we  New  Purchase  people  had  uncommon  anxieties  to  hear  the 
truth.  Now,  the  result  of  all  our  experience,  and  we  had  a 
pretty  rich  one,  is  and  was — that  unregenerate  hearts  are  pretty 
much  out  there  as  in  here — that  men  born  of  log  cabins  and  stick 
chimneys,  and  men  born  of  silks  and  broadcloths,  are  all  equally 
"born  of  the  flesh"  and  "are  flesh."  Maybe  the  German  popula- 
tion about  central  Pennsylvania  are  exceptions,  as  a  certain 
learned  young  Doctor  of  Divinity  seems  to  think ;  but  then,  they 
are  the  sole  exceptions. 

The  occasion  offers  to  say  a  few  words  about  the  missionaries 
themselves.  But  while  we  profess  to  be  very  good-natured  and 
social,  we  are  not,  reader,  so  charitable  as  to  extend  our  term 
beyond  pretty  well  educated,  talented  and  evangelical  mission- 
aries. We  made  Glenville  head-quarters  for  missionaries  and 
we  ever  found  uneducated  preachers  and  even  small  talented 
gentlemen,  an  inconvenience  and  an  evil  more  than  a  blessing; 
and  as  to  the  unevangelical  sort,  learned  or  unlearned,  they  were  a 
nuisance  and  a  pest. 

As  a  body,  then,  the  true  missionaries  in  the  New  Purchase 
were  very  excellent  men;  eminent  in  self-denial,  in  ardent  zeal, 
in  endless  labours,  in  disinterestedness.  They  were  considered 
Domestic  Missionaries ;  but  they  endured  as  much  as  their  breth- 
ren in  the  foreign  field,  and  that  without  the  incidental  excite- 
ment and  support  derived  from  the  eclat  of  a  mission :  especially 
when  the  wood's  preacher  comes  to  depend  for  his  entire  susten- 
ance on  two  or  more  weak  settlements,  the  aid  of  the  missionary 


FIRST  YEAR  121 

society  being  declined  or  withdrawn.  For  a  year  or  two  an 
approximate  salary  may  be  paid,  a  few  shillings  in  cash  and 
the  balance  in  "trade."  Still,  educated  men  need  a  few  other 
articles  beyond  pork,  corn,  tow-linen,  leather,  &c. — a  few  books 
for  instance.  And  they  are  forced  to  go  a  few  journeys;  wish  to 
educate  their  children;  pay  doctor's  fees,  and  the  like.  Nor  is 
it,  maybe,  an  unpardonable  sin  to  aspire  after  furniture  one  de- 
gree above  rough  cabin  apparatus.  Hence  the  missionary  must 
have  a  little  hard  cash ;  and  hard  enough  for  them,  poor  fellows, 
it  is  by  the  time  they  handle  it. 

The  outposts,  therefore,  must  be  either  wholly  abandoned  to 
profoundly  ignorant,  vain,  empty,  conceited,  self-confident,  and 
snarling  fanatical  preachers;  or  proper  preachers  must  do  some 
things  that  are  secular.  And  if  the  New  Purchasers  are  abandon- 
ed, then  must  they  be  cursed  out  there  with  inspired  clergy, 
such  as  we  have  heard  thus  reciting  their  apostolic  creed : — 

"Yes,  bless  the  Lord,  I  am  a  poor,  humble  man — and  I  doesn't 
know  a  single  letter  in  the  A  B  C's,  and  couldn't  read  a  chapter 
in  the  Bible  no  how  you  could  fix  it,  bless  the  Lord ! — I  jist  preach 
like  old  Peter  and  Poll,  by  the  Sperit.  Yes,  we  don't  ax  pay  in 
cash  nor  trade  nither  for  the  Gospel,  and  arn't  no  hirelins  like 
them  high-flow'd  college-larned  sheepskins — but  as  the  Lord 
freely  give  us,  we  freely  give  our  fellow  critturs." 

Hence  a  few  of  the  true  preachers  betake  themselves  to  teach- 
ing as  the  least  uncanonical  avocation.  And  all  would  gladly 
do  this,  if  scholars  were  plenty  enough;  and,  if  after  all  the 
extra  labour  in  teaching,  pay  came  not  also  in  the  shape  of  fat- 
flitch,  cord-wood,  eggs,  and  butter.  Most  true  preachers  and 
pastors  are,  therefore,  compelled  to  enter  some  land;  and  then 
after  long  and  arduous  toils  they  contrive  to  barter  some  pro- 
duce at  the  settlement  store  for  sugar,  tea,  coffee  and  paper.  But 
to  jingle  a  few  silver  dollars,  the  person  must  sell  a  cow,  or  calf, 
or  even  a  horse! 

The  proverb,  "half  a  loaf  better  than  no  bread,"  applies  here ; 
for  if  proper  ministers  out  West  do  not,  in  very  many  places,  in 
a  great  measure  maintain  themselves,  settlements  now  half  served 
by  those  noble  men  would  not  and  could  not  be  served  at  all. 
True,  the  folks  out  there  might  have  husks  from  fanatical  fel- 


122  FIRST  YEAR 

lows;  but  Christ's  sheep  ought  to  have  pastors  and  proper  food 
— they  are  not  hogs  to  be  fed  by  the  Devil's  swine-herds. 

Very  nice  and  classic  essays  used  to  find  their  way  sometimes  to 
Glenville,  which  were  full  of  very  proper  rhetorical  words  against 
secular  clergy,  and  commanding  them  to  reform  and  give  them- 
selves wholly  to  the  work  of  God  and  the  ministry:  essays  no 
doubt  well  intended,  but  written,  we  apprehend,  by  inexperienced 
young  gentlemen,  just  married,  and  seated  in  the  parsonage  in  the 
midst  of  a  well  furnished  library.  Sometimes,  too,  such  essays 
were  penned  by  learned  gentlemen,  with  sons  and  daughters  at 
good  boarding  schools ;  and  the  writers,  maybe,  received  so 
much  hard  silver  per  page,  especially  if  a  prize  essay;  and  our 
far  east  censors  not  only  had  the  pleasure  of  pelting  our  poor 
frogs,  but  found  it  profitable  too.  In  such  essays  the  Proton 
Pseudos  was,  "all  pastors  and  preachers  must  give  up  secular 
employments — their  schools — their  farms — their  merchandise — 
their  trades — and  imitate  the  Apostles,  &c."  In  extraordinary 
times  men  are  sustained  by  the  providence  of  God  in  extraordin- 
ary ways,  and  purse,  scrip,  and  books  in  the  Apostles'  time  were 
not  needed ;  and  few  then  had  the  care  and  expense  of  a  family, 
except  Pope  Peter! — and  he,  unlike  some  Unholinesses,  was 
wicked  enough  to  prefer  a  Wife  to  a  Harlot ! 

And  even  in  those  days  Paul,  whilst  aiding  to  erect  a  spiritual 
tabernacle,  supported  himself  at  secular  tent-making!  It  is  not 
improbable  that  Luke,  the  beloved  and  benevolent  physician,  pre- 
scribed and  took  fees  in  emergencies.  May,  then,  modern 
ministers  in  no  cases  do  secular  things,  without  being  subjected 
to  unkind  suspicions,  and  not  rarely  denounced  as  merchants, 
farmers,  speculators,  and  even  jockies?  Nay,  many  thus  stig- 
matized are  among  the  best  of  men;  and  that,  however  warned 
by  hasty  young  clerks  and  clergy  to  look  out  for  the  doom  of 
unfaithful  stewards  to  bid  to  expect,  after  a  life  of  toil  for  the 
gospel  and  after  bestowing  the  spiritual  without  reaping  the 
carnal,  bid  to  look  out  for  banishment  into  the  outer  darkness ! ! 
Ah!  ye  hasty  censors!  God  will  never  forget  labours  of  love  in 
that  far  West  or  elsewhere ;  even  if  a  preacher,  to  put  bread  into 
the  mouths,  and  garments  on  the  bodies  of  his  family,  do  work 
secularly  with  his  own  hands! 


FIRST  YEAR  123 

It  is  even  granted  by  hasty  writers,  too,  that  the  penuriousness 
and  dishonesty  of  congregations  may  drive  the  minister  to  secular 
labour ;  and  that  surely  is  ample  and  sufficient  apology,  one  would 
think,  for  the  minister's  irreverent  conduct.  Why  then  this  per- 
petual cannonade  against  the  Clergy?  Does  it  never  occur,  that 
the  niggardly  Mr.  Miser,  the  close-fisted  Mr.  Grip,  the  narrow- 
minded  Miss  Snarl,  and  the  dishonest  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Finepromise, 
may,  at  the  grand  assize,  have  to  appear  as  defendants  and  show 
cause  why  the  preacher  was  driven  to  be  secular?  Strange? 
passing  strange,  if  a  hunted,  defrauded,  broken-spirited  man,  who, 
because  he  wishes  yet  to  preach,  maintains  himself,  should,  in 
addition  to  all  his  sufferings,  be  decried  and  rebuked  as  faithless 
and  money-loving! — as  needing  reform! — as  passing  to  a  severe 
doom  and  vengeance  in  the  life  to  come!  Oh!  you  that  in  one 
sense,  at  least,  are  "at  ease  in  Zion,"  and  have,  therefore,  so 
much  time  to  buffet,  go,  visit  a  New  Purchase ! — and  then  write — 

"Mr.  Carlton ! !— keep  cool." 

Well,  then,  I  will  go  on  to  say  that  meetings  in  the  Purchase 
were  not  always  dry  affairs.  Once,  this  very  autumn,  a  two 
days'  meeting  was  to  come  off  on  Saturday  and  Sunday  in  the 
Welden  settlement.  At  the  close  of  the  first  day,  while  Glen- 
ville  and  Carlton  were  "settin  the  toone  for  them,*  a  heavy 
shower  began  suddenly  to  fall;  and  as  we  clerks  could  not  get 
out  to  secure  our  saddles  they  became  well  soaked.  Many,  indeed, 
hurried  out  to  secure  their  own  accoutrements  and  those  of  the 
"wimmin  folks's,"  but  they  forgot  the  clerks  and  the  rector's: 
hence  after  service  we  found  seats  cool  and  refreshing  as  a  wet 
sponge.  We  had  been  invited  to  spend  the  night  at  a  chieftain's  x 
in  the  settlement:  and  as  we  were  without  umbrellas  or  cloaks, 
and  the  rain  kept  mizzling  away,  we  had  a  very  agreeable  ride  of 
it,  receiving  too,  from  overhanging  branches  and  thick  bushes 
frequent  "baby-sprinklings"  until  the  whole  amounted  to  "be- 
liever's baptism" — a  thorough  immersion. 

However,  we  were  neither  salt  nor  sugar.     On  we  splattered 

and  splashed,  laughing  and  talking,  while  our  saddle-seats  added 

to  the  noise  very  hearty  and  peculiar  notes  or  sounds,  which  may 

be  called — soggings;  and  we  comforted  one  another  with  mutual 

1  White,  of  course. 


124  FIRST  YEAR 

promises  of  a  dry  house  and  a  drying  fire.  But — ah!  me! — our 
dear  good  landlady,  and  expressly  to  honour  her  guests,  had  de- 
termined to  have  ''things  fixed !" — and  a  wet  fix  it  was.  First  and 
foremost,  the  puncheon-floor  had  undergone  a  deluge  of  scrub- 
bing, effected  by  pouring  over  it  forty  great  calabashes  of  water, 
or  one  great  calabash  forty  times  emptied!  Then  the  floor  had 
been  violently  assaulted  with  stiff  brooms,  till  its  dirt  was  raked 
and  floated  away  to  form  an  alluvion  in  the  cellar  below;  but 
much  of  the  flood  having  eluded  the  swabbing  process  that  fol- 
lowed, there  remained  many  Lilliputian  lakes  of  muddy  water  in 
the  cavities  and  gulleys  of  the  puncheons.  Secondarily,  chairs, 
tables,  benches,  and  even  bedsteads  had  undergone  Pharisaical 
ablutions:  and  although  things  did  dry  in  process  of  time,  yet, 
as  the  good  woman  remarked,  "Things  were  a  leetle  dampish, 
to  be  sure!"  Indeed,  chairs  and  benches  on  which  persons  of 
a  sanguine  temperament  sat,  exhibited,  on  their  rising,  a  decided 
Mosaic  of  dark  and  light  shades.  Thirdly,  when  we  washed 
before  supper  and  dinner  in  one,  we  were  offered  a  wet  towel 
to  dry  on !  the  lady  apologizing  for  the  anomaly  by  saying,  "Thar'd 
been  sich  a  rite  down  smart  chance  of  rain  that  their  wash 
wouldn't  dry."  Of  course  this  apology  accounted  for  the  undried 
table-cloth  at  the  meal ;  where,  by  the  way,  we  recognized,  in  the 
midst  of  other  good  things,  and  full  of  milk,  the  republican  bowl 
that  a  few  moments  before  had  enacted  the  part  of  wash-basin. 
In  anticipation  of  its  complex  and  yet  desultory  character,  we  of 
Glenville,  instead  of  dipping  at  the  time  our  hands  into  the  bowl 
had  poured  from  it  the  water  over  the  hands.  All  the  guests, 
we  must  say,  were  not  so  considerate. 

But  a  most  sumptuous  fire  was  roaring  away  for  our  comfort ; 
and,  be  satisfied,  in  no  sense  was  it  cold  comfort.  And  soon 
all,  and  at  a  very  respectable  distance,  were  steaming  away,  and, 
in  the  midst  of  haze  and  vapour,  snuffling  the  savoury  odours  of 
ham  fried  in  lard — of  venison  and  wild-turkey  in  ditto — and  of 
chickens  in  cream  and  butter!  Generally,  meats  of  every  sort 
in  the  Purchase  were  fried,  and  that  so  perfectly  as  to  be  not 
only  done,  but  actually  done  up;  till  the  pieces  curled  at  the 
edges,  and  the  taste  of  one  kind  of  flesh  could  not  be  distinguished 
from  another,  like — like — oh  like  the  carcasses  of  one  horse  and 


FIRST  YEAR  125 

two  cows  burnt  to  death  in  the  conflagration  of  Mr.  Forgethis- 
name's *  livery  stables  in  the  Northern  Liberties.  And  yet  a 
cookery  of  squirrels  or  chickens,  a  la  Kaintuc,  in  cream,  butter, 
and  dusted  flour,  excels  any  fry  in  the  world. 

By  bed-time  affairs  had  become  dryish.  Still,  much  vapour 
hung  in  our  atmosphere;  and  towards  the  arctic  regions  of  the 
cabin,  matters  were  puddly.  However,  ten  of  the  company  were 
accommodated  in  the  beds,  and  as  many  others, — indeed,  I  do 
not  know  where :  yet  we  all  retired ;  when  a  spirited  and  general 
confabulation  was  maintained  till  most  of  the  trebles,  tenors,  and 
basses  grew,  some  flat  and  others  muttering,  and  there  was  a 
subsidence  into  a  colloquy  between  two.  At  last,  one  of  these 
returning  a  mumbling  kind  of  response,  Mr.  Holdon,  despairing 
to  extract  any  more  talk,  cried  out,  "Well!  good  night:"  which 
signal  was  followed  by  a  farewell  crackling  of  bedsteads,  and  an 
audible  rustling  of  "kivers;"  and  then  all  lately  so  active  and 
chatty,  was  turned  into  sleeping  and  snoring.  Bah! — tell  me 
not  about  the  sleep  of  innocence!  nothing  comes  up  to  the  sleep 
of  a  backwoodsman ;  and  as  to  his  snoring,  beat  it  if  you  can ! 

Well,  I  dreamed  a  dream.  Methought  old  Dick  was  harnessed 
to  our  bedstead,  and  was  pulling  us  through  showery  bushes  and 
nettles,  and  that  I  had  the  tooth-ache,  and  so  uncomfortable  all 
seemed  that  I  determined,  as  is  the  case  in  some  dreams,  to  wake 
myself.  Happy  resolution!  for  whilst  Dick  had  vanished,  and 
we  were  safe  enough  in  the  cabin,  yet  the  interpretation  of  the 
dream  was  present: — a  gentle  stream  was  trickling  from  above 
through  a  hole  in  the  clapboard  roof,  the  eau  d'esprit  having  al- 
ready saturated  my  rag-pillow,  and  more  than  a  foot  of  the 
adjoining  covers! — and,  what  was  very  remarkable! — I  had  the 
toothache ! ! 

"Indeed!" 

"Yes !  indeed.  I  whipped  out  of  bed ;  quietly  worked  the  bed- 
stead from  under  the  unelectric  water  spout;  doubled  my  end 
of  the  bolster  in  place  of  the  pillow  removed ;  got  once  more  into 
bed,  and  began  to  lull  the  grumbling  tooth  by  holding  my  mouth 
shut  and  breathing  through  the  nose,  and  occasionally  counting 
slowly  and  deliberately  as  high  as  a  hundred.  And  in  this 

1  Said  accident  happened  once  upon  a  time,  when  we  was  a  boy. 


126  FIRST  YEAR 

laudable  work  I  had  at  last  succeeded,  and  was  sinking  away  into 
dryer  dreams,  when  I  was  suddenly  aroused  to  my  last  and  severest 
"trial  by  water"  by  a  rude  shake  from  Glenville,  who  also  thus 
addressed  me : — 

"Carlton ! — are  you  going  to  sleep  all  day  ? — get  up  if  you  don't 
want  your  boots  full  of  water — " 

"My  boots! — my  boots!! — man  alive!  don't  let  them  get  any 
wetter — I  shall  never  get  them  on — never!" 

"Up  then — or  Tom  Hilton  will  clean  yours  as  he  has  mine — 
he'll  dip  them  in  the  rain-trough." 

Fortunately  all  were  up  and  out  but  myself — and  yet  it  would 
have  been  the  same  if  Queen  Victoria  had  been  there — my  boots 
were  not  to  be  trifled  with,  even  when  dry; — what!  if  provoked 
by  such  a  ducking !  I  thought,  therefore,  of  neither  man,  woman, 
nor  child — I  thought  only  of  my  boots — and  I  leaped  out  of  bed 
without  regard  to  the  ordinary  precautions — and  slipping  on  the 
limbs- of  the  indispensables — (anglice,  jerking  on  my  breeches) — 
and  holding  up  and  buttoning  as  I  moved,  I  rushed  to  the  door! 
and  in  the  very  nick  of  time  to  witness  the  catastrophe.  Yes ! 
there  on  the  muddy  earth  stood,  sad  and  sullen,  boot  the  first, 
clean  and  soaked  as  a  scrubbed  puncheon!  and  there  descended 
into  the  rain-trough  boot  the  second,  up  to  the  strap-stiches ! ! 

"Tom!  Tom! — why  didn't  you  let  my  boots  alone! — you've 
fixed  me  now — I  shan't  get  them  on  to-day!" 

"Well,  sir,  I  was  only  a  sort  of  cleanin  them — they  was  most 
powerful  muddy  like — hope  no  harm  done,  Mr.  Carltin?" 

"Well,  Tom,  thank  you — but  I  am  afraid  we  have  tight  work 
now — please  let's  have  the  articles,  any  how." 

And  our  fear,  reader,  was  not  unfounded.  Never,  since  the 
origin  of  boots,  and  the  abolition  of  sandals,  was  there  such  a 
tugging  at  straps!  It  did  seem  as  if,  at  last,  the  grand  philos- 
ophical achievement  would  be  effected,  and  with  a  leetle  harder 
pull  we  should,  boots  and  all,  be  raised  clean  up  from  the  punch- 
eons!— nearly  equal  to  lifting  one's  self  over  a  fence!  And  oh! 
what  soaping  of  heels! — what  numerous  and  contradictory  sug- 
gestions and  advices  from  commiserating  and  laughing  friends! 
tears  in  all  eyes!  Oh;  the  rubbing  of  insteps! — the  contortions 
of  the  os  sublime!  And  then,  withal,  when  a  boot  had  reached 


FIRST  YEAR  127 

a  certain  point,  the  creature  could  be  neither  pulled  on  nor  pulled 
off!  But  there  limped  Mr.  Carlton,  his  two  limbs  glued,  some- 
where about  the  junction  of  ancle  and  foot,  in  two  remorseless 
leathers;  a  very  "odd  fellow,"  indeed,  hobbling  with  four  feet, 
two  of  his  own  treading  downward,  and  two  of  the  boots  treading 
sideways — and  all  with  vain  hopes  of  stretching,  and  thus  coax- 
ing further  on  or  off  the  half-tanned  conveniences! 

At  last  it  seemed  necessary  to  cut  the  articles,  as  all  ordinary 
and  extraordinary  attempts  to  move  them  up  or  down  had  failed, 
when,  at  the  crisis,  in  came  a  Goliah-like  woods-man,  who,  un- 
derstanding the  fix,  declared;  "if  them  'are  straps  thare  would 
a  sort  a  hold,  he  allow'd  he'd  pull  on  Mr.  Carltin's  boots."  We 
agreed  to  a  new  trial.  Accordingly,  Mr.  Goliah  placed  himself 
behind  the  patient,  with  his  own  back  to  the  wall,  and  then  work- 
ing two  fingers  apiece  into  each  strap — (all  he  could  get  in) — he 
did  pull  the  boots  on,  sure  enough ! !  Ay !  and  that  he  would  have 
done  if  both  of  Mr.  Carlton's  legs  had  been  in  the  same  boot,  in- 
stead of  one  leg  per  boot ! 

King  William  was  of  opinion  that  thumkins  was  logic  enough 
to  make  him  confess  to  a  lie — what,  if  he  had  tried  the  logic  of 
my  boots !  If  the  iron  boot  is  any  more  forcible — I  cannot  stand 
it  at  all — I  should  scream  out  my  belief  in  the  Pope  or  the  Devil, 
or  any  other  dogma  of  the  particular  catholic  church!  The  holy 
church  will  of  course  canonize  a  man  who  has  already  discovered 
two  efficacious  ways  to  make  Christians — our  bark-wheel — and 
now  our  boots! 

Apropos!  de  botte,  this  reminds  me  of  the  Kentuckian  saved 
from  the  massacre,  at  the  Blue  Licks,  by  a  pair  of  wet  buckskin 
breeches.  He  was  pursued  by  two  Indians,  and  on  reaching  the 
river,  was  forced  to  plunge  in  and  swim  over.  Emerging,  he 
soon  discovered  that  to  run  with  his  former  speed,  his  buckskins 
must  be  left  for  booty:  hence,  he  halted  an  instant  to  unskin 
himself,  whilst  his  nimble  foes  had  now  reached  the  opposite  bank 
of  the  stream.  But  now  the  wet  unmentionables,  half-way  off, 
became  obstinately  adhesive,  and  could  be  drawn  neither  up  nor 
down — and  the  enemy  coming  nearer  and  nearer. 

"Poor  fellow ! — what  a  dreadful  situation !" 

Very ;  and  so  he  made  up  his  mind,  like  a  gallant  man,  to  die — 


128  FIRST  YEAR 

in  his  breeches.  And  yet,  being  a  Presbyterian,  his  predestined 
time  had  not  come:  for,  to  his  amazement,  his  red  friends,  on 
arriving,  burst  into  loud  laughter,  and,  instead  of  knocking  him 
on  the  head,  they  only  spanked  him  on  the  antipodes  and  took 
him  prisoner;  and  the  Kentuckian,  being  ransomed,  got  home  to 
tell  his  adventure — and  was  one  of  the  very  few  brave  gentlemen 
that  survived  the  battle  of  the  Blue  Licks. 

"Yes — but,  Mr.  Carlton,  what  has  this  deliverance  to  do  with 
the  Pope  or  the  Devil?" 

"Oh!  nothing — it  was  owing  to  the  Indians: — other  torturers 
do  not  let  off  folks  so  easily.  But  talking  of  one  thing,  you  know, 
makes  us  think  of  another." 

However,  after  the  second  edition  of  wet  towels,  wet  table- 
cloths, and  other  dampers,  we  all  went  to  church — or,  by  courtesy, 
the  dissenters'  conventicle — where  seats  and  floor  were  also 
dampish:  yet  none  of  these  little  affairs  killed  us  then,  and  even 
now,  most  of  the  Glenvillians  live  and  talk,  occasionally,  of  Carl- 
ton's  Wet  Time." 

During  the  present  summer  and  fall,  others  of  our  colony  had 
little  adventures.  For  instance,  John  Glenville,  in  moving  a 
piece  of  bark  to  throw  under  the  wheel,  was  bitten  in  the  wrist 
by  a  copper  head  coiled  under  the  bark ;  but,  by  a  timely  applica- 
tion of  proper  remedies,  he  escaped  very  serious  injury.  Uncle 
Leatherstocking  also  came  something  nearer  being  killed  than  Sir 
Roger's  ancestor,  that  had  a  narrow  escape  from  being  slain  in 
a  battle  by  arriving  on  the  field  the  very  day  after  the  fight :  for 
our  uncle,  stooping  to  examine  a  fine  cabbage  in  his  patch,  dis- 
covered a  rattlesnake  ready  to  salute  him,  and  yet  time  enough 
to  leap  'back  and  avoid  the  favour.  And  then  a  young  woman 
coming  from  Welden,  by  herself,  to  return  a  call  due  to  Glen- 
ville Settlement,  just  as  she  had  reached  the  outskirts  of  our  ter- 
ritory, was  gratified  by  the  sight,  a  little  way  from  her,  of  a  lady 
panther,  affectionately  sporting  with  two  rampant  pantherines — 
each  as  big  as  a  pair  of  domestic  tom-cats. 

"La! — and  did  she  not  scream?" 

Scream! — Miss  Peggy  Whatmore  scream!  Fortunate  for  the 
quadrupeds,  Peggy  was  within  reach  of  no  rifle !  No,  no !  to  use 
her  own  language,  she  only  "a  sort  a  skued  round  towards  ole- 


PRKSIDENT  ANDRKVV  WYLIE 
First  President  of   Indiana  College   1828 


FIRST  YEAR  129 

man  Ashmoresis — and  didn't  say  nuthin  to  them,  as  they  didn't 
seem  like  wantin  to  say  nuthin  to  her — yet  it  was  a  leetle  skary 
as  they  was  powerful  nasty  lookin  varmints." 

A  missionary,  also,  coming  to  fulfill  an  appointment  among  us 
saw  in  the  edge  of  our  clearing  "three  barr" — i.  e.,  three  bears ; 
there  being,  in  western  phrase,  "a  powerful  sprinkle"  of  such 
shaggy  coats  in  our  borough.  At  this  information,  all  our 
domestic  and  neighbourhood  forces  being  mustered,  we  succeeded 
in  overtaking  and  killing  the  growling  trio;  and  in  due  time,  the 
largest  skin,  properly  prepared  at  our  tannery,  was  presented  to 
the  missionary  who  ever  after,  till  the  day  of  his  death,  used  it 
as  a  bruin-saddle  cover. 

Perhaps  we  may  here  say,  that  at  night,  on  many  occasions, 
were  around  invisible  serenaders,  that  gave  exact  imitations  of 
wolves  howling,  foxes  barking,  and  owls  screaming,  hooting  and 
screeching,  with  interruptions  now  and  then  from  sudden  cries 
and  growls  so  strange  that  we  could  not  say  what  bird  or  beast 
precisely  was  designed  or  represented.  The  whole,  however, 
riveted  the  conviction  that  we  were  no  longer  dreaming  about  the 
woods,  but  were  actually  living  there;  and,  to  be  candid,  I  had 
never  in  visions  seen  single  serpent,  and  could  not  have  guessed 
the  wild  beasts  would  turn  out  so  very  wild.  But  to  all  things 
I  got  used,  except  snakes.  To  the  very  last  of  my  sojourn  in  the 
Purchase,  I  was  slow  to  crawl  through  dark  thickets ;  and  never 
did  step  over  or  off  a  log,  till  satisfied  no  serpent  was  there  to 
be  tramped  upon:  and,  that  it  was  necessary  so  to  ponder  our 
ways,  may  be  believed  by  the  incident  with  which  we  now  end  the 
chapter. 

One  night  Mr.  and  Mrs.  C.  were  on  a  visit  at  Mr.  Hilsbury's; 
and,  though  pressed  to  remain  till  morning,  and  warned  of  the 
danger  in  walking  in  the  dark  at  that  season  of  the  year,  we  de- 
cided on  returning  to  Uncle  John's.  The  path  between  the  cabins 
was  only  a  few  inches  wide,  and  running  through  high  grass  and 
tall  weeds,  was  pretty  invisible  in  the  day :  yet  having  travelled  it 
some  half  dozen  times  daily,  I  was  familiar  with  every  stone, 
stick  and  root,  lying  in  or  across  the  path ;  and  any  thing  new 
there  would  be  sure  to  arrest  my  attention.  Furnished  with  a  light 
in  a  small  glass  lantern,  we  proceeded  homeward,  myself  in  front 


130  FIRST  YEAR 

and  my  wife  following,  till  at  the  end  of  about  two  hundred 
yards,  an  unexpected  root  presented  itself,  running  seemingly 
from  the  nearest  beach :  but  as  the  root  ought  not  to  be  there,  be- 
fore taking  the  next  step  I  stooped  to  examine,  holding  the  light 
down  towards  the  root — which  turned  not  into,  but  was  in  reality 
nothing  more  nor  less  than  the  head  and  neck  of  an  enormous 
rattlesnake ! 

Perhaps  a  novice,  as  I  then  was  in  backwood  life,  may  be 
pardoned  for  feeling  a  momentary  sickness  when  the  glare  of 
the  serpent's  eye  fell  on  mine,  as  the  rays  of  the  lamp  disclosed 
and  struck  on  his !  The  distance  between  us  was  only  eighteen 
inches;  another  step,  therefore,  would  have  carried  me  over  or 
upon  the  reptile:  in  the  former  case  /  should  have  been  safe,  in 
the  latter,  one;  or  both  Mrs.  C.  and  myself  would  have  been 
wounded,  perhaps  killed!  And  no  sooner  had  I  said — It  is  a 
snake!  than  Mrs.  C.  too  alarmed  to  reflect,  instantly  from  behind 
clasped  me,  holding  down  both  my  arms;  and  thus  allowing  me 
neither  to  advance,  nor  retreat,  nor  stir,  she  at  the  same  time 
began  a  series  of  most  piercing  shrieks,  to  which  as  nothing  better 
could  be  done,  Mr.  C.  added  loud  cries  of  "Hullow-ow!  down 
there ! — hullow-ow ! !" 

Of  course,  this  uproar  brought  them  all  up  from  down  there, 
and  a  clerical  visitor  among  the  rest — Bishop  Shrub  of  Timber- 
opolis.  In  the  meantime  the  snake  had  retreated  or  passed  on ; 
and  as  there  was  too  great  risk  in  poking  after  him  amid  the 
weeds  and  grass  at  night,  and  the  central  cabin  was  the  farthest 
away,  our  whole  party  returned,  and  all  spent  the  night  at  the 
parsonage. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

"Ab  ovo 

Usque  ad  mala " 

"From  the  cackle  to  the  cluckle." 

I  was  sitting  one  day,  towards  the  end  of  September,  with 
Bishop  Hilsbury,  when,  through  his  modest  little  sash  were  seen 
two  young  men  riding  up ;  who  tying  their  horses,  after  a  short 


FIRST  YEAR  131 

consultation,  advanced,  to  the  door.  On  this  the  Bishop  whisper- 
ing— "a  wedding  without  doubt,"  hastened  to  receive  his  visitors, 
who  yet  administered  the  usual  rap  to  the  door,  and  entered  with 
the  universal  salaam — "Well !  who  keeps  house  ?" 

Evidently  the  parson  had  been  supposed  alone;  and  my  pres- 
ence seemed  to  disperse  the  courage  mustered  by  the  youngsters, 
and  they  stumbled  into  seats  in  manifest  distress.  But  we  soon 
engaged  them  in  conversation  on  land,  timber,  corn,  swine,  muddy 
roads,  dry  ridges,  high  waters,  and  all  sylvan  topics:  and  on  all 
and  each,  our  friends  rung  the  changes  of  all  the  powerfuls,  big 
and  little ;  and  all  the  chances  and  sprinkles,  the  smarts  and  right 
smarts  and  right  down  smarts,  till  they  were  talked,  not  out  of 
countenance,  but  into  it;  nay,  till  they  had  more  than  a  dozen 
times  (while  the  clatter  lasted)  seemingly  collected  brass  suffi- 
cient for  their  special  affair  to  be  introduced  at  the  next  pause. 
Yet  alas !  with  the  calm,  returned  the  sheepishness ;  and  there  sat 
our  rustics  red  as  boiled  lobsters,  not  at  any  thing  said,  but  at 
what  was  to  be  said,  and  grinning  a  smileless  kind  of  contortion 
at  each  other,  equal  to  asking — "Won't  you  begin?"  Then  they 
gnawed  their  spice  wood  riding  whips — wriggled  on  their  seats 
— crossing  leg  after  leg,  as  if  the  legs  were  all  equally  opposed  to 
being  undermost,  till  convinced  nothing  by  way  of  expose  was 
coming  this  gap,  off  set  afresh  on  the  circle  of  old  topics  thus: — 

"Immense  forests  here,  sir!" 

"Yes — most  powerful  'mense  heap  of  woods.  Allow  woods  is 
most  considerable  cut  off  in  them  'are  settlements  you  come  from, 
Mr.  Carltin?  They  say  you've  no  barr  no  turkey  out  thare,  in 
Filledelfy?" 

"No :  no  bears  on  four  legs.  But  still  we've  a  smart  sprinkle 
of  dandy  out  our  way" — 

"Huh!  haw!— them's  the  fellers  with  hair  on  their  faces  and 
what  goes  gallin  all  the  time — powerful  heap  a  fun  in  that,  Mr. 
Hilsbury,  though." 

Here  the  speaker  stopt  short;  for  what  he  had  said  about  our 
hairy  creatures  was  out  of  no  disrespect  for  the  animals,  but  only 
to  lighten  his  own  load ;  but  then  he  had  found  it  still  too  heavy, 
and  broke  down  at  the  lift.  Retreat,  however,  did  not  offer,  and 
so  suddenly  rising  and  winking  to  the  parson,  they  both  went 


132  FIRST  YEAR 

together  into  the  yard,  leaving  myself  and  the  other  young  man 
in  the  cabin.  When  outside,  the  groom — for  he  it  was,  thus 
commenced : 

"Well— hem— Mr.  Hilsbury— hern !" 

"Yes — Joseph — I  think  I  understand — don't  I  ?" 

"Well — allow,  maybe  you  do." 

"I  was  down  in  the  Welden  settlement,  and  I  heard  something 
about  our  losing  neighbour  Ashford's  Susan." 

"He!  he! — yes! — well  I*am  a  sort  a  goin  to  git  married — and 
Susan's  the  very  gal.  Well  now,  Mr.  Hilsbury,  Billy  Welden's 
come  along  for  a  groomsman  and  he's  got  the  invite — I'll  just 
call  him  out  and  git  it." 

Billy  accordingly  was  now  summoned,  and  taking  off  his  new 
fur  hat,  he  extracted  the  "invite"  from  the  lining  and  handed  it 
over  to  the  preacher.  As  the  Bishop  allowed  me  to  see  the  docu- 
ment as  a  specimen  of  New  Purchase  literature,  I  took  the  fol- 
lowing exact  and  literal  copy: 

"Rev.  Mr.  Hilsbury  asqr., — you  are  pertikurly  invited  to  atend 
the  house  of  mr.  Abrim  Ashford  asq.  to  injine  upon  i  the  yoke  of 
konjegal  mattrimunny  with  his  dater  miss  Susan  Ashford  as 
was — thersday  mornin  next  10  aklok  before  dinner  a.  m. 

mr.  Joseph  Redden 
your  humbell   sarv't, 

mr.  William  Welden,  groomsman." 

"p.  s.  dont  say  nuthin  about  this  'ere  weddin  that's  to  be — as  its 
to  be  sekrit — and  to  morrer  Billy  Welden's  goin  to  ride  round 
and  give  the  invites — and  all  your  settlemint's  to  be  axed." 

The  reader  will  err  if  he  think  this  the  worst  specimen  of  our 
New  Purchase  authorship.  It  was,  in  fact,  the  best  our  literati, 
near  Glenville  at  least,  could  furnish,  (and  like  Andrews  and 
Stoddard's  Grammar,)  it  was  a  joint  reproduction;  it  was  done 
by  Joseph  Redden  and  William  Welden,  both  aided  by  the  school- 
master of  the  Welden  settlement.  And  it  was  got  up  with  great 
care  and  done  in  the  very  best  round  hand.  Few  persons  around 
us  at  this  time,  could  even  read,  much  less  write ;  and  the  ladies 
of  Glenville  were  regarded  with  wonder  as  soon  as  it  was  known 
that  they  could  not  only  read  and  write,  but  even  "sifer,  and  cast 


FIRST  YEAR  133 

'counts !"  We  men  of  Glenville  had  from  the  first  been  deemed 
"powerful  smart,"  and  the  above  note  had  been  got  up  and  per- 
formed expressly  to  show  us  that  other  folks  had  learning  too, 
*nd  could  do  a  thing  up  to  Gunter. 

Next  day  Mr.  Welden  appeared  in  the  edge  of  the  woods,  be- 
ing too  much  in  a  hurry  to  dismount  and  let  down  the  bars,  and 
according  to  etiquette  in  such  cases,  he  exclaimed,  "Hullow!  the 
house!"  Upon  this,  Mr.  Seymour  proceeded  to  the  fence,  and 
on  his  return  to  the  house  announced  that  we  all  had  the 
anticipated  invite. 

And  now  as  it  is  sometimes  before  we  go  to  the  wedding,  we 
may  properly  in  the  interval  introduce  the  bride  elect  and  her 
family.  Abraham  Ashford,  the  father,  was  the  patriarch  of  the 
Ashford  settlement,  which  joined  Glenville  on  the  north-west.  Af- 
ter a  life  of  some  years  in  a  cabin  of  the  roughest  order,  the 
family  had,  within  the  past  year,  removed  into  a  good  two  story 
log-house  of  the  hewed  order ;  and  hence,  he  himself  being  a  very 
tall  man  and  having  sons  tending  rapidly  upward  to  his  summit 
level,  and  having  a  two  story  house,  neighbour  Ashford  is  to  be 
regarded  as  an  eminent  man.  He  had,  too,  scraped  a  spelling 
acquaintance  with  easy  reading,  and  that  made  him  affect  the 
company  of  the  Glenvillians — not  so  much  I  fear  to  increase  his 
knowledge  as  to  display  it.  For  instance,  once  on  bringing 
his  stock  of  ginseng  to  our  tannery,  where  we  bought  the  article 
on  speculation,  Mr.  Ashford  on  laying  it  on  a  dry  hide  thus  began : 

"Well,  Johnny,  my  buck,  what  do  you  allow  sang's  (ginseng) 
done  with  out  thare  in  Chi-ne?" 

"Oh !  probably  the  Chinese  smoke  it,  or  chew  it !" 

"Well,  that's  your  idee ;  but  I  knows  better  nor  that  comes  to, 
according  to  my  idee." 

"What  is  your  opinion  ?" 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you.  A  sailor-man  was  once  out  here  in  sang 
time  a  buying  up — long  afore  you  come  out — and  he'd  been  in  all 
them  parts  about  Chi-ne  in  a  ship  or  the  like — and  he  told  me  all 
about  what  them  fellers  done  with  it." 

"Indeed!" 

"Yes — and  he  told  me  as  how  they  biled  the  sang  up,  and  put 
it  in  to  clarify  chany  tea  cups  and  sassers." 


134  FIRST  YEAR 

Neighbour  Ashford  was,  moreover,  a  philosopher;  but  as  his 
views  may  perhaps  expose  him  to  a  visit  from  the  Inquisition,  I 
shall  give  no  greater  insight  into  his  physical  creeds,  than  by  a 
narration  of  our  talk  on  the  shape  of  the  earth. 

"Mr.  Ashford,"  said  Glenville,  one  day  I  was  present,  "I  wish 
you  would  let  Carlton  here  understand  your  idea  about  the  shape 
of  the  earth;  he's  just  from  college  and  don't  think  as  you  do." 

"Well,  Johnny,  my  buck,  I'm  willing  to  talk  with  Mr.  Carlton, 
or  any  larn'd  man;  and  I've  no  idee  this  here  world  of  ourn  is 
round.  Them's  my  sentiments,  Mr.  Carlton." 

"I  do  not  quite  agree  with  you  there,  Mr.  Ashford;  I  have 
been  taught  that  our  earth  is  an  oblate  spheroid !" 

"Oh !  I  don't  know  nuther  consarnin  high-flow'd  diksionary 
shapes ;  all  my  idee  is  the  world's  not  ublate,  nor  no  sort  of  round, 
and  I  kin  prove  it  straight  as  a  rifle." 

"I  only  meant  to  say  I  was  taught  to  think  the  world  was  a 
sort  of  roundish;  but  I'm  ready  to  give  up  if  you  can  prove  as 
you  say." 

"Well,  I'm  powerful  glad  to  see,  Mr.  Carlton,  you  aint  proud 
for  all  your  high  larnin — and  so  I'll  jist  tell  you  how  I  kim  to  find 
it  out.1  You  see,  sir,  I  was  one  day  a  ploughing  with  them  two 
brown  mares,  to  put  in  corn,  and  as  we  ploughed  along,  I  gets  into 
a  solelo'que  on  this  diffikilt  pint,  and  so  sez  I  to  myself,  sez  I, 
what's  the  use  in  filloserfers  a  sayin  our  world's  round.  Don't  my 
ole-womin's  dry  apples  git  off  the  plank  and  then  role  rite  down, 
smack  down  the  pitch  of  the  ruf ?  'Cos  why?  Why  'cos  it  aint 
flat.  And  so  I  argefied  the  pint  agin  this  way ;  sez  I,  kin  a  feller 
go  spang  up  the  round  of  a  big  punkun?  And  then  I  stops  the 
mares;  and  sez,  wouldn't  this  here  plough  and  them  'are  hoss- 
beasts  role  down  like  the  dry  apples  if  this  here  world  was  round 
like  a  big  punkun — and  aint  it  more  powerful  harder  to  go  up  and 
stick  on  a  big  round  thing  nor  a  little  one?  And  then  I  jist 
minded — and  I  slapped  agin  my  head  so,  (action  to  word,)  and  I 
hollows  out  aloud,  so  that  the  mares  started  to  go — but  I  cries 
"woh!  won't  you?" — and  they  stops  agin — and  I  kept  on  a  hol- 
lowin — "I've  got  it ! — I've  got  it " — and  slaps  rite  off  to  make 
tracks  home — and  when  I  gets  in,  sez  I  to  the  ole  womun,  "Molly," 

1  Speech  only  translated  and  contracted  and  improved. 


FIRST  YEAR  135 

sez  I,  "hand  us  the  ole  book — I've  got  it!"  "Got  what,  Abrum?" 
— sez  she.  "Why  hand  us  the  ole  book,  I  tell  you,"  sez  I.  (Dur- 
ing the  progress  of  his  lecture,2  Mr.  Ashford  had  taken  up  our 
family  bible ;  and  now  with  his  finger  resting  on  the  third  verse  of 
Genesis,  he  did,  on  a  sudden  for  me,  what  he  had  previously  done 
for  his  wife.)  And  so  she  hands  me  the  ole  book,  and  I  lays  it 
out  afore  her  jist  so,  (opening  and  spreading  the  book  before 
me,)  "thare  sir,  thare,  read  that  thare  varse — its  proved  from  the 
Bible,  sir — thare  read  that  are !"  viz : — "And  the  earth  was  with- 
out FORM  !  sir." 

Here  we  held  down  our  head  as  close  to  the  page  as  possible, 
as  if  absorbed  in  thought  and  inspecting  the  words  most  closely, 
till  with  an  unsteady  voice  we  could  reply : — 

"I  confess,  Mr.  Ashford,  I  never  did  see  the  passage  in  that 
light  before;  and  it  only  proves  that  plain  men,  if  left  to  them- 
selves, will  often  discover  what  learned  folks  never  can ;  but  what 
shape  is  the  earth  do  you  say  ?" 

"Do  /  say! — why  doesn't  the  ole  book  itself  say  the  earth  aint 
no  shape  at  all? — its  got  no  form — its  nuthin  but  a  grate  stretched 
along  place  like  a  powerful  big  prararee  without  any  ind — yes,  sir, 
and  as  flat  as  a  pancake." 

"True,  Mr.  Ashford,  and  the  Bible  says  also  the  earth  is 
VOID! — empty,  sir,  and  hollow  as  a  nut  shell!" 

For  a  moment  Mr.  Ashford  was  staggered  at  so  unexpected 
an  addition  to  his  theory;  he  seemed  alarmed  at  the  utter  empti- 
ness of  a  shapeless  earth!  Yet  at  the  very  next  log-rolling,  he 
proclaimed  both  Glenville  and  Carlton  to  be  converts  to  his  "idee," 
adding  in  the  latter  gentleman's  praise,  "he  wan't  nere  so  stuck 
up  a  feller  as  folks  said."  And  so,  reader,  we  are  Amorphorites ; 
with  more  belief,  however,  in  the  emptiness  of  the  world,  than  in 
its  want  of  shapes. 

As  to  the  sun,  Mr.  Ashford  had  a  very  peculiar  and  original 
theory;  "I  am,"  said  he,  "sentimentally  of  opinion  that  the  sun, 
after  all,  is  nothing  but  a  great  shine !"  Like  many  other  forest 
patriarchs,  our  neighbour  often  did  his  own  preaching;  being  in 
advance  of  this  age,  when  we  all  do  our  own  doctoring,  write  our 
own  poetry,  tales,  essays,  and  every  man  is  his  own  lawyer;  and 

2  Could  not  some  Lyceum  send  for  Mr.  Ashford  ? 


136  FIRST  YEAR 

of  course  in  theology,  like  people  in  an  enlightened  era,  he  had 
his  own  notions.  Hence,  in  one  discourse  about  the  good  Samari- 
tan, he  took  occasion  to  illuminate  us  as  to  its  "Speretil  meaning ;" 
and  among  other  things  said,  "some  folks  think  that  the  two 
pennies  left  the  Jerickoo  man,  was  nuthin  but  cash  pennies — but 
my  friends,  there's  a  speretil  and  bettersome  idee: — one  penny 
is  the  law,  and  tother's  the  gospel." 

The  Ashfords  were,  however,  remarkable  for  nice  housekeep- 
ing, and  for  cleanliness  of  person.  They  all  were,  too,  thrifty  and 
ingenious.  Unable  in  the  early  times  of  their  settlement  to  obtain 
hemp  or  flax,  they  gathered  a  peculiar  species  of  nettle,  (called 
there  nettleweed,)  which  they  succeeded  in  dressing  like  flax,  and 
in  weaving  it  into  cloth.  By  some  accident,  they  had  been  then 
destitute  of  food  for  several  days,  and  during  that  time  they  had 
lived  on  squirrels  and  elm-bark.  But  the  rose  of  our  wilderness 
was  Susan  Ash  ford,  the  intended  bride.  Ignorant,  indeed,  she 
was  of  all  things  out  of  the  woods ;  but  she  was  of  good  natural 
capacity,  merry  disposition,  lofty  notions,  and  withal  a  very  pretty 
and  modest  maiden.  From  the  first,  she  took  a  strong  liking  for 
the  Glenville  people;  and  was  evidently  glad  to  find  friends  able 
and  willing  to  teach  her  many  important  matters  of  which  she 
frankly  and  voluntarily  would  confess  her  ignorance.  And  as  far 
as  her  mother  would  permit,  Susan  by  degrees  conformed  their 
own  domestic  economy  and  fixtures  to  ours,  defending  us  when- 
ever her  mother  would  object  and  intimate  that  the  "Glenville 
folks  were,  maybe,  a  leetle  prouder  nor  they  should  be." 

Susan  had,  of  course,  many  offers ;  yet  as  she  told  Emily  Glen- 
ville, her  confidante — "she'd  no  idea  of  marrying  any  rough  body 
without  no  more  manners  than  a  barr ;  and  for  her  part  she'd  have 
somebody  that  know'd  how  to  dress  up  on  Sundays  in  store  cloth 
and  yaller  buttins,  a  sort  a  gentleman  like." 

Now  Susan  did  not  really  think  that  dress  made  the  man ;  she 
did  only  think,  and  properly  think,  that  no  decent  young  fellow 
would  on  proper  occasions  boorishly  neglect  his  dress,  and  espe- 
cially when  he  came  a  courting. 

One  answering  externally  became  a  suitor.  He  was  morally, 
however,  unworthy  Susan ;  and  her  escape  was  owing  to  his  per- 
sonal dirtiness — with  which  a  curious  accident  made  her  ac- 


FIRST  YEAR  137 

quainted.  She  caught  sight  of  his  naked  feet,  as  he  in  a  moment 
of  f orgetf ulness  took  off  his  shoes  and  stockings  in  her  presence ; 
upon  which  she  declared  next  day  to  Emily  Glenville,  "that  she 
never  would  have  sich  a  dirty  feller,  if  he  did  wear  store  cloth 
and  yaller  buttins."  This  fellow,  a  pretty  well  educated  Scotch- 
man, had  courted  some  by  letters,  which  the  Ashfords  not  fully 
comprehending  had  now  and  then  brought  to  Emily  to  be  de- 
ciphered, especially  the  letter  in  which  the  suitor  said,  "he  had  a 
predilection  for  his  mistress !"  On  this  occasion,  Susan  remarked, 
"there  was  sich  a  powerful  heap  of  diksenery  words,  she  could'nt 
quite  see  the  drift  on  'em.  Happily  the  above  accident  saved  our 
protege  from  a  disastrous  union  with  an  atheist  and  a  distiller. 

But  now  Joseph  Redden  was  accepted;  a  very  honest,  indus- 
trious, and  upright  young  man ;  and  who  not  only  dressed  up  to 
Susan's  rule,  but  more  than  that,  he  kept,  about  twenty-five  miles 
distant,  a  small  store  himself,  and  sold  store  cloth  and  yellow 
buttons  to  others.  And  thus  Susan,  and  all  her  old  friends,  and 
we  her  new  ones,  were  well  satisfied.  Having  no  occasion  to 
mention  our  young  folks  after  the  wedding,  we  think  the  reader 
will  be  glad  to  know,  that  when  we  re-emigrated  from  the  west, 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Redden  were  living  in  comfortable  circumstances, 
respected  and  beloved. 

In  due  time  the  wedding-day  came.  Mr.  Hilsbury,  however, 
had  not  yet  got  home  from  a  distant  missionary  tour,  and  we  of 
Glenville  were  forced  to  set  out  without  the  bishop ;  in  hopes  in- 
deed, he  would  be  yet  in  time  at  Mr.  Ashford's.  Between  our 
settlement  and  his,  the  distance  was  little  more  than  two  miles; 
and  for  want  of  conveyances  enough  for  all,  it  was  concluded  in  a 
general  assembly  of  our  colony  the  day  before,  that  the  ladies  and 
helps  of  the  borough,  should  ride  to  the  wedding,  and  the 
gentlemen  walk.  And  so  we  took  up  the  line  of  procession  thus : — 

1.  Uncles  John  and  Tommy  in  the  van.     Their  business  was 
to  keep  the  true  course  through  the  woods,  clear  away  brush  and 
let  down  fences. 

2.  Mrs.  Glenville  and  Aunt  Kitty  riding  twice  on  Kate,  the 
celebrated  grey  mare — queen  of  horses  (genus.) 

3.  The  Rev.  Mistress  Hilsbury  on  a  borrowed  nag;  the  lady 
with  an  infant  in  her  arms,  and  a  little  girl  for  nurse  behind. 


138  FIRST  YEAR 

4.  Mrs.  Carlton,  Miss  Emily  and  Aunt  Nancy  on  our  spotted 
mare,  called  Freckled  Ginney. 

5.  Last  of  the  cavalry,  Old  Dick,  with  all  the  help  of  the 
colony — i.  e.  three  gals  riding  thrice. 

6.  Glenville  and  Carlton  closed  the  rear.    Our  business  was  to 
put  up  fences,  see  the  ladies  get  along  in  safety,  and,  above  all, 
to  keep  Dick  from  lagging.     For  like  grave  personages  familiar 
with  Chesterfield,  Dick  was  rarely  in  a  hurry ;  on  the  contrary  he 
usually  stepped  with  a  very  solemn  swing,  as  conscious  men's  eyes 
were  upon  him  and  of  his  weight  in  society.    And  yet  after  a  very 
long  sermon  he  would  sometimes  hasten  home  with  an  irreverent 
impatience;  and  always  on  rounding  a  certain  sink  hole,  whence 
could  be  caught  a  glimpse  of  the  stable,  our  hero,  and  without 
consulting  the  friends  who  were  kindly  backing  him,  would  sud- 
denly pitch  into  a  gait  compounded  of  every  pace  and  shuffle  ever 
learned  in  his  youth  or  since  taken  up  extemporaneously. 

Once  Dick  had  been  loaned  to  the  Bishop's  wife;  and  on  our 
return  from  church — all  persuasives  from  the  lady's  heel  and  Mr. 
Carlton's  toe — all  stripes  from  beech  rods  and  leather  whip — all 
cherrups  and  get-ups  and  even  old-rascals-you — all  snapping  of 
bridle  reins  to  bring  to  his  recollection  Conestogo  whip-crackings 
— all,  all  were  in  vain! — Dick  only  grinned  or  gave  a  double 
flourish  with  his  tail,  crawling  along  and  dragging  leg  after  leg, 
till  they  seemed  always  in  motion  and  yet  always  stock-still !  But 
unexpectedly  to  us  he  reached  the  favourite  sink  hole;  when, 
giving  a  sudden  sneeze  and  slapping  my  beast  in  the  face  with  his 
tail,  away  he  darted  into  the  nondescript  gait  named — but  very 
much  as  if  the  caco-demons  dislodged  from  the  swine  had  some- 
how got  possession  of  his  carcase.  The  dry  leaves  of  autumn 
were  then  plenty,  and  the  fellow  got  them  into  such  a  lively,  ex- 
cited and  noisy  state,  that  we  riders,  only  ten  feet  apart, 
could  hear  nothing  said  by  one  another:  hence,  after  use- 
less efforts  to  be  heard  in  answer  to  the  lady's  voice  coming  to 
me  in  a  high  screech-key,  I  kept  only  at  last  rising  in  my  stirrups, 
opening  the  mouth  very  wide  and  supporting  the  jaw  with  one 
hand,  so  that  with  a  distorted  face  I  seemed  in  the  agony  and 
effort  of  loud  and  earnest  delivery — but  yet  uttered  not  a  word. 
And  in  this  interesting  attitude  we  sustained  an  instructive  con- 


FIRST  YEAR  139 

versation,  till  the  lady  guessing  at  the  pantomime,  we  both  added 
a  chorus  of  cachination  to  the  rattling  harmony  of  shuffling 
horse-heels,  and  came  in  a  tempestuous  whirlwind  of  careering 
leaves  to  the  last — bars;  where  Dick  stopped  and  the  hurricane 
subsided. 

"Nonsense!  Mr.  Carlton — " 

Granted,  my  dear  Mr.  Graves :  but  are  we  back-woods'  people 
to  have  no  fun?  And  if  we  are  to  have  any,  how  shall  we  have  it 
unless  we  create  it?  You  have  concerts,  and  balls,  and  popular 
lectures  till  they  become  unpopular — and  jest  books — Lady's  Book 
— Gentleman's  Book —  Boy's  Book — and  organs  in  churches,  and 
candy  shops  and  oysters  and  what  not?  And  we  are  to  mope  to 
death  in  the  woods — hey?  Believe  me,  we  learn  out  there  to 
make  our  own  sports  and  contrive  to  extract  something  pleasant 
from  the  empty  roar  of  autumnal  leaves  shuffled  and  kicked  into 
harmless  tempest  by  old  Dick's  horse-heels.  And  further,  dear 
Mr.  Strutell,  all  this  requires  more  ingenuity,  and  even  a  calmer 
conscience,  than  every  body  has:  an  ill-natured,  an  ignorant,  a 
conceited,  a  wicked  person  will  be  very  miserable  in  the  solitudes 
of  a  New  Purchase. 

"But  you  started  for  the  wedding." 

We  did;  but  we  had  two  miles  and  more  to  go — and  here  is 
the  place — and  we  shall  resume  the  narrative. 

The  wedding  party  were  all  assembled  and  expecting  our  ar- 
rival. And  now  Mr.  Ashford  came  to  meet  us,  expressing  his 
regret  at  the  failure  of  Mr.  Hilsbury  to  be  present ;  but  as  several 
other  preachers  were  present,  he  suggested  that  it  would  now  be 
best  to  proceed  with  the  ceremony.  In  this  we  coincided,  and  so 
preparation  was  made  for  it,  the  Rev.  Diptin  Menniwater  being 
selected  in  place  of  Bishop  Hilsbury. 

And  soon  then  we  were  all  paraded  in  the  large  rooms,  in 
which  the  company  was  compactly  rowed  along  upon  benches, 
as  noiseless  and  solemn  as  in  "meetin :"  and  hence  we  men  of 
Glenville  went  squeezing  around,  and  among,  and  into,  shaking 
hands  with  all  that  could  be  got  at,  and  nodding  and  smiling  and 
winking  at  such  as  could  not  be  felt  and  handled,  till  places  were 
found  if  not  to  sit  in,  yet  to  stand  in,  and  where  we  waited  in 
laudable  patience  for  the  descent  of  the  bridal  party  to  destroy 


I4o  FIRST  YEAR 

the  oppressive  and  dead  calm  that  succeeded.  The  solemn  still- 
ness was  indeed,  now  and  then  broken  by  some  lagger  who  admin- 
istered the  usual  slap  to  the  door  and  uttered  the  visiting  formula 
already  named — but  that  was  only  an  interruption  like  pitching  a 
pebble  into  a  smooth  deep  lake.  At  very  long  last  Mrs.  Ashford 
going  to  foot  of  the  steps — a  compound  of  ladder  and  stairs — 
called  to  those  in  the  upper  room : — 

"Well  if  any  body  up  thare's  got  a  sort  of  notion  to  get 
married  to-day,  I  allow  thare's  no  time  to  lose,  no  how." 

This  was  answered  with  a  species  of  giggle-sniggering  by  par- 
ties in  both  stories ;  and  in  the  midst  commenced  above  a  shuffle 
movement,  as  if  something  might  be  expected  below  pretty  quick. 
And  soon  was  placed  in  descending  order,  first,  a  pair  of  shiney 
new  calf-skin  boots  with  thin  soles;  then,  secondly,  only  a  step 
higher,  a  pair  of  bran  new  morocco  slippers,  with  ancles  in  white 
stockings ;  and  then,  thirdly,  at  suitable  intervals,  second  pairs  of 
shiney  dittos  and  moroccos  and  ancles.  These  omens  were  in- 
stantly succeeded  by  coat  tails  hooked  on  men's  arms,  and  white 
frocks  held  aloof  from  soiled  stairs — (all  which  matters  were 
plain  enough  to  us  behind  the  stair  way,  it  having  no  flooring  or 
back  for  the  convenience  of  sweeping  and  scrubbing) — till  the 
principal  actors  had  all  descended  bodily,  and  stood  among  us 
propria  persona — i.  e.  as  large  as  life.  Whether  from  ignorance 
or  etiquette,  the  groom  and  his  attendant,  instead  of  being  leaned 
upon,  rested  their  own  arms  on  those  of  the  two  ladies,  the  bride 
and  her  maid — as  if  each  man  had  hooked  a  woman  and  was 
determined  to  hold  her  fast  for  a  wife  after  the  trouble  of 
catching. 

The  Rev.  Mr.  Menniwater,  a  piteous  looking  personage,  hum- 
ble as  a  drowned  rat,  was  now  seen  to  emerge  from  behind  one  of 
the  back  benches,  whither  he  had  slunk  away,  to  nurse  his  courage 
for  the  grand  duty ;  but  unable  to  come  near  the  parties  at  the  foot 
of  the  stair-ladder,  he  remained  where  he  was  and  began  to  cry 
out  his  part  as  if  engaged  in  out-door  preaching,  only  with  unusual 
rapidity,  lest  his  speech  should  be  forgotten  before  it  could  all  be 
delivered — thus : — 

"Well — are  you  going  for  to  take — Sir — that  womin — Sir — a 
holdin  by  the  hand — Sir — for  a  lawful — covenint  wife,  Sir?" 


FIRST  YEAR  141 

To  this  question  direct  the  groom  and  groomsman  both  re- 
tured  nods ;  although  the  real  man  added  an  audible — "Yes  I  am," 
giving,  too,  a  visible  pinch  to  Susan's  arm;  equivalent  to  an  ex- 
hortation and  admonition  that  it  was  next  her  turn. 

"Well — are  you  going  for  to  liave — hem ! — Ma'am ! — that  thare 
man — Ma'am! — a  holdin  on  your  arm — for  to  be  your  lawful 
covenint — man — hem ! — husband,  Ma'am  ?" 

Here  both  ladies  made  a  courtesy,  (kurtshee,)  but  Susan  added 
the  affirmative;  upon  which  the  parson  repeated  the  following 
closing  form: — 

"Well,  I  say  then  by  authority  of  this  here  license  from  the 
dark  of  our  court,  as  how  you're  both  now — man  and  woman — 
that  is — hem ! — as  how  both  of  you  are  married,  young  folks,  and 
no  body's  no  right  to  keep  you  asunder."  Upon  which,  greatly 
terrified,  our  preacher  instantly  demanded  something  to  drink ;  not 
that  he  needed  any  thing  from  thirst,  but  from  embarrassment, 
and  to  cover  his  retreat.  And  this  request  was,  at  the  very  word, 
answered  by  a  potation  or  grog,  of  whiskey,  water  and  maple 
sugar.  Indeed,  in  those  days  out  there,  we  have  been  in  church, 
when,  at  the  amen  to  the  benediction,  forth  came  Deacon  Giles, 
with  a  wash-basin-bowl  full  of  whiskey  and  some  water,  sweet- 
ened as  above  and  flavoured  with  nutmeg ;  and  of  this  sipped  first 
the  man  of  God — for  form's  sake: — and  after  that  it  was  all 
swallowed  by  the  congregation,  in  mouth  fuls  sufficient  to  elevate 
the  mind,  if  dejected  by  the  sermon. 

But  the  Rev.  D.  Menniwater's  call  for  drink,  was  the  signal 
that  the  matrimonial  meeting  was  out;  and  the  kissing  of  the 
bride  was  set  going  by  the  ladies  of  Glenville,  who,  (for  mere 
example's  sake,  however,)  were  followed  by  the  gentlemen  of 
Glenville.  And  two  of  these  gentlemen,  I  think,  extended  their 
salutation  to  the  bridesmaid,  which  was  so  encouraging  to  the 
groomsman,  and  other  shy  chaps,  that  they  with  one  consent  be- 
gan to  salute  the  brides  that  were  to  be :  so  that  affairs  were  soon 
as  completely  uproarious  and  screechery  as  in  a  fashionable,  high- 
bred evening  party,  with  one  good  piano  and  some  three  dozen 
vocalists,  professors  and  amateurs  of  singing  and  talking.  At  last 
the  girls  put  out,  followed  by  the  beaux,  and  none  were  left  in  the 
room  but  we  old  folks,  (married  people,)  and  the  young  couple. 


142  FIRST  YEAR 

And  then  came  on  all  the  old.  racy  and  original  jokes  and  sayings 
on  such  occasions,  with  some  new  ones  in  regard  to  the  "man 
and  woman,"  made  by  Mr.  M. ;  whose  inveterate  habit  of  "old 
manning,"  &c.  had  forced  him  to  substitute  man  and  woman  for 
husband  and  wife,  in  concluding  the  ceremony.  One  very  smart 
neighbour  body  so  persisted  in  calling  the  whole  no  ceremony  at 
all,  that  poor  Susan  was  half  persuaded  she  was  hardly  married ; 
and  had  we  of  Glenville  fomented  the  affair,  and  Mr.  Hilsbury 
been  present,  Susan,  I  do  think,  would  have  had  the  marriage 
ceremony  over  again. 

It  was  now  noon,  and  dinner — the  grand  affair — was  not  to  be 
till  near  3  o'clock  p.  M. — although  every  body,  man,  woman,  boy, 
girl,  help,  domestic,  hired  and  volunteer,  hands  and  legs,  were  all 
ferment  in  hastening  this  catastrophe  of  our  drama:  and  truly 
drama  it  was,  if  action  and  motion  pertain  to  its  essence.  Here  a 
boy  was  ferociously  cutting  wood — there  one  toting  wood :  here  a 
man  and  two  women  getting  a  fire  in  full  blast  out  of  doors — 
there  two  men  and  one  girl  blowing  up  one  within:  and  then 
rushed  by  a  whirlwind  of  petticoats,  with  one  featherless  turkey, 
or  two  featherless  hens,  affectionately  hugged  along  to  dutch 
ovens  and  skillets!  Some  carried  and  fixed  tables,  pushing  and 
kicking  and  jamming  at  them  till  they  consented  to  stay  fixed, 
and  not  to  coggle !  Some  fixed  rattling  plates,  clattering  knives, 
and  ringing  bowls  on  stout  table  covers ;  which  were  at  the  same 
moment  jerked  by  others,  till  they  "came  a  sorter  strate!"  And 
there  was  Mr.  Ashford,  Jun.  with  his  rifle,  decapitating  extra 
fowls,  the  company  proving  much  larger  than  had  been  expected ! 
For  on  these  hearty  and  solemn  occasions  every  body  is  wel- 
come, who  comes  as  an  umbra  to  a  neighbour,  or  acts  as  his  own 
shadow  and  shade ;  and  every  body  is  stuffed  with  as  much  as  he 
will  hold;  so  that  all  sorts  of  feathered  creatures  suffer  for  the 
wedding  dinner,  and  in  great  numbers,  it  being  long  before  a 
wholesome  backwoodsman  ever  cries,  "Ohe!  jam  satis!"  about 
the  same  as  the  classic  reader  knows  as  crying  out,  "Well !  I've 
a  belly  full !" 

The  whole  clearing  evidently  enjoyed  a  saturnalia.  Wagons 
and  carts  and  sleds  rested  from  rolling  and  screeching;  gears  of 
leather  and  gears  of  elm-bark  hung  crooked  and  unstretched  on 


FIRST  YEAR  143 

fences  and  projections  of  cabin  outhouses;  and  ploughs  lay  peace- 
ful, with  polished  shares  gleaming  in  sunshine.  The  animals 
manifestly  enjoyed  the  affair;  hens  of  maternal  character  clucked 
mid  late  broods,  and  some  wallowed  in  dust ;  geese  hissed ;  ducks 
quacked;  and  dogs  in  all  quarters,  ran,  barked,  and  wagged  their 
very  tails  for  gladness ;  while  shaggy  horses  peeped  in  wonder 
over  bars,  or  hung  tenderly  about  the  barn  and  corn  cribs. 

Adjacent  the  house  was  a  yard ;  and  this  being  swept  daily  with 
wooden  brooms  and  tramped,  had  become  denuded  of  grass,  and 
hard  and  clean  as  a  puncheon  floor.  Here 3  we  now  walked,  ran, 
jumped,  joked,  told  tales,  made  brags  and  belts — tickled  folk's 
ears  with  timothy  heads — quizzed  chaps  about  marrying — chased 
girls  going  to  the  spring  for  water,  or  to  the  milk  house,  and  ever 
so  many  funny  things  besides.  And,  what  was  wonderful!  the 
girls  went  every  five  minutes  to  the  spring  or  milk  house;  and 
came,  too,  through  the  front  yard,  when,  if  they  had  thought,  the 
way  out  of  the  back  door  was  much  shorter  and  more  direct! 
And  then  such  a  sprinkling  of  water  from  little  calabashes  and 
tin  cups  and  ox  horns !  And  such  a  hanging  of  dish-cloths  and 
milk-strainers  on  the  "yaller  buttins"  of  the  hinder  man!  And 
the  laughing! — and  the  rifle-shooting! — in  a  word,  we,  (author 
now  included,)  were  most  decidedly,  and  most  vulgarly  happy, 
joyous,  and  chock  full  of  fun  and  frolic. 

Of  course  all  this  was  too  much  for  Old  Dick  to  stand  and 
look  at  all  day :  hence,  contriving  to  ease  off  his  bridle  and  then 
to  work  over  the  fence,  or  may  be  under  it,  there,  sure  enough, 
in  the  midst  of  our  sacred  enclosure,  suddenly  stood  his  impu- 
dence, and  as  if  we  were  his  "feller  critturs."  He  was  no 
stranger,  however,  to  the  company,  and  his  self-introduction  was 
hailed  with  more  than  three  cheers ;  it  being  well  known  he  would 
contribute  his  share  to  the  entertainment.  Accordingly,  like  a 
favourite  dog,  he  was  fed  with  bits  of  bread,  both  corn  and 
wheat,  and  with  slices  of  fat  pork  and  pieces  of  fresh  beef ; 
which  latter  he  would  only  chew  awhile,  like  tobacco,  and  then 
eject.  He  was  then  smoothed  and  slapped  and  called  names — 
then  pulled  by  the  tail — pinched  on  the  ears — made  to  grin — and 
then  jumped  on  and  jumped  over ;  till  at  last  girls  were  packed  and 
3  We,  here  belongs  to  the  company,  not  the  author. 


144  FIRST  YEAR 

stowed  upon  him,  and  nothing  was  visible  of  the  favourite  but 
four  horse-legs,  moving  under  frocks,  and  a  tail  wagging  and 
flourishing  happily  among  chinz  and  morrocco — the  whole  a  most 
grotesque  feminine  centaur !  But  when  we  packed  the  fellow  with 
men  and  boys,  he  would  either  shake  or  bite  them  off ;  and  if  these 
failed  he  would  suddenly  lie  down,  and  then  the  compound  rollings 
were  uncommonly  entertaining. 

Three  chaps  now  mounted  Dick,  and  fully  resolved  to  make 
him  ford  the  creek,  here  about  ten  yards  wide  and  some  feet 
deep.  By  dint  of  coaxing  and  kicking  and  pulling  and  pushing, 
by  the  riders  and  the  company,  Dick  was  got  into  the  water,  when 
he  splashed  on  voluntarily  to  the  middle — but  farther  than  that, 
not  an  inch.  No — there  he  halted,  and  stood  fixed  as  a  river- 
horse  that  had  grown  up  on  the  spot!  And  vain  all  entreaties, 
curlings,  kickings!  vain  all  combined  hallooings!  vain  all  pelting 
with  clods  and  stones — all  latherings  with  long  bean  poles! — he 
was  wholly  unbudgable!  At  last,  however,  he  did  move;  and 
so  did  his  riders,  who  hastily  slipped  off  into  water  more  than 
knee  deep,  preferring  that  to  the  roll  in  the  creek — Dick  having 
exhibited  the  premonitory  symptom  of  performing  that  ceremony ; 
and  then  they,  amid  no  small  uproar  of  laughter  from  the  whole 
assembled  "weddeners,"  waded  to  the  bank.  "But  Dick,  what 
did  he?"  Ay,  sure  enough — why  he  speedily  betook  himself  to 
the  farther  side,  where  he  wandered  about  and  eat  twigs  and 
bushes,  till  he  was  caught  for  our  return.  Reader,  was  all  this 
instinct  or  reason? 

After  this  we  told  adventures.  Among  others,  one  hard  feat- 
ured old  worthy  gave  the  following  account  about  his  "old 
womin's  tarrifying  a  barr,"  angelice,  terrifying  a  bear. 

"When  we  was  fust  settled" — said  he — "down  on  Higginsis 
bottim,  there  was  no  mills  in  these  parts  and  so  we  pack'd  all  our 
bread  stuffs  from  out  thare  at  Wool'll  about  once  a  month  or 
thare-abouts,  me  going  one  day  and  coming  back  agin  next  day 
and  my  ole  womin  a  stayin  in  the  cabin  till  I  gits  back.  The  In- 
jins  was  mostly  gone,  but  straglin  ones  kept  comin  on  and  off, 
but  tho'  they  was  harmless  like,  folks  was  a  little  dubus  and 
didn't  want  thare  company;  and  my  ole  womin  she  always  shot 
the  door  at  night,  and  a  sort  a  draw'd  the  bedstid  agin  it.  Well, 


FIRST  YEAR  145 

so  one  night  I  was  away  for  meal  and  she  bethought  as  how 
she'd  render  off  her  fat;  and  so  she  ons  with  the  grate  pot — that 
one  you're  old  womin  neighbour  Ashford  borrered  last  year  to 
bile  sugar  in — and  she  puts  in  her  fat  and  begins  a  heatin  it; 
when  what  does  she  hear  all  at  once  on  a  sudden  but  a  powerful 
trampin  round  the  cabin !  "Maybe,"  says  she  to  herself,  "its  some 
poor  Injin  wants  in" — when  all  at  once  the  trampin  stopt  and 
somethin  begins  a  scratchin  up  outside  the  chimbly,  and  she  spies 
through  a  crack,  and  if  it  want  a  powerful  barr  that  was  arter 
the  fat!  And  she  know'd  the  varmint  wasn't  going  to  rest  till 
he  klim  down  the  inside  of  the  chimbly;  and  then  she'd  have  to 
put  out  and  maybe  lose  all  her  fat !  Well,  my  ole  womin  was 
to  be  sure,  a  leetle  skur'd — but  she  did'nt  lose  her  presentiment  of 
mind — she  only  let  the  fellow  back  down  as  near  as  was  con- 
venient— and  then  she  jerks  a  handful  of  dry  grass  out  of  our 
tick,  and  set  fire  to  the  whole  on  the  fat!  "And  she  says,  'twas 
most  powerful  laffy  to  hear  the  barr  go  up  chimbly  agin — and  how 
he  was  still  heern  a  growlin  and  makin  tracts  for  the  timbers! 
And  that's  the  way  she  tarrifyed  the  barr  and  a  sort  of  a  scorched 
his  brichis." 

"That  makes  me,  grandaddy,"  said  a  young  Hecules — "think 
how  near  I  was  to  bein  skur'd  last  week,  with  a  wild  cat  over 
on  Acorn  Ridge.  I  was  out  huntin  turkey,  but  had  no  luck,  and 
didn't  see  the  fust  one  till  I  comes  toward's  Inglissis — and  there 
I  heerd  a  feller  goblin.  So  I  crawls  into  the  brush  near  a  beech 
and  begins  a  goblin,  and  he  begins  a  anserrin  and  a  comin  up — 
but  jist  then  I  hears  somethin  a  nuther  in  the  beech  above — but 
I  was  a f card  to  move  my  head  lest  the  turkey  ketch  sight  of  me 
— and  so  I  gives  another  gobble,  and  then  hears  him  a  coming 
up  rite  smart,  and  I  was  only  waitin  to  git  sight  of  him — when 
what  should  I  hear  but  a  sudden  shakin  rite  over  my  head — 
and  so  I  looks  out  of  the  tail  of  my  eye  so — (turning  his  eye  for 
illustration) — and  I'll  be  dogg'd  if  thare  warn't  a  wild  cat  jist 
goin  to  spring,  as  I'd  gobled  him  up  like  a  gineine  cock  myself. 
So,  you  see  I  give  up  the  turkey  and  killed  the  varmint — and 
that's  his  skin,  grandaddy,  you  see  tother  day  at  our  house." 

This  reminded  Uncle  John  of  an  adventure  of  his  own  some- 
what similar,  and  he  went  on  thus : 


146  FIRST  YEAR 

"One  day  when  hunting  in  Georgia  I  got  into  a  pine  thicket, 
where  I  sat  down  on  a  log  to  rest.  Happening  to  look  in  a  cer- 
tain direction — for  nothing  of  the  sort  was  expected — I  saw  a 
fine  buck  coming  slowly  towards  the  thicket,  either  not  seeing 
me  or  to  reconnoitre.  I  had  put  off  my  shoes  to  cool  my  feet, 
but  now  without  thinking  about  it,  I  rose  to  my  feet  ready  to 
fire  as  soon  as  the  deer  should  be  near  enough:  but  as  I  stood 
about  this  way — (way  exhibited,  the  legs  apart) — I  felt  some- 
thing very  cold  glide  upon  one  of  my  bare  feet,  and  on  glancing 
my  eye  that  way,  what  was  it  but  a  rattlesnake  crawling  from  un- 
der the  log  across  my  foot!  I  had  providentially  presence  of 
mind  to  remain  immovable  as  a  rock — till  the  snake  had  actually 
crawled  his  whole  length  over  my  foot;  and  when  fairly  beyond 
I  suddenly  jumped  away,  and  then  killed  him: — but  of  course  I 
lost  my  buck." 

"Brother  John" — said  uncle  Tommy — "that  makes  me  think  of 
my  being  lost  twenty  years  ago — but  dinner,  I  reckon,  is  most 
ready— 

"Oh!  no,  uncle  Tommy" — said  Mr.  Ashford — "we've  time  for 
that  'venture  of  yours." 

This  was  enough  for  Uncle  Leatherstocking ;  for  no  man  so 
delighted  in  telling  adventures.  Indeed,  few  men  ever  en- 
countered more;  and  still  fewer  could  orally  relate  them  so 
well.  He  was  not  an  educated  man,  or  even  a  good  English 
scholar;  still  he  had  read  much  and  conversed  much  with  intel- 
ligent persons :  and  so  he  was  fluent  in  natural  English,  and  could 
aptly  coin  words  and  pronunciations  to  suit  new  ideas  and  cir- 
cumstances. I  shall  try  and  preserve  his  manner  and  spirit :  but 
to  enjoy  his  stories,  one  should  sit  in  his  lonely  cabin  of  a  winter's 
night  away  in  the  howling  wilderness,  and  see  his  countenance 
and  action,  and  hear  his  tones. 

"Prehaps" — said  uncle  Tommy — "you  know  my  wife's  father 
had  considerable  land  on  the  Blue  Fox  River  in  Ohio ;  so  as  we  two 
wanted  a  leetle  more  elbow  room,  I  says  one  day  to  Nancy/'Nancy," 
says  I,  "I  dad  'spose  we  put  out  and  live  there.  Game's  mighty 
plenty  there,  and  there's  fine  water  and  plenty  a  fish,  and  plenty 
a  wood ;  and  we  kin  lay  in  stores  enough  at  Squattertown  to  last 
more  nor  six  months  on  a  streech."  And  sure  enough,  as  I'm 


FIRST  YEAR  147 

a  livin  man,  off  we  sets  and  puts  up  a  cabin  in  the  centre  of  the 
track,  and  that  give  us  room  for  the  present :  for  the  nearest  white 
settlement  warnt  nearer  nor  four  mile,  and  Squattertown,  the 
county  seat,  was  nigh  on  to  twelve  mile  off.  The  Ingins,  poor 
critturs,  kim  a  huntin  over  our  track,  albeit,  there  was  no  reglar 
town  of  theirn  nearer  nor  twenty  miles:  but  they  never  did  us 
harm — no,  not  a  halt — (little  bit) — and  Nancy  got  so  used  to  their 
red  skins  that  she  never  minded  them.  There's  bad  Ingins  that 
will  steal  and  maybe  massurkree:  but  most  when  they  find  a  rale 
sinserity-hearted  white,  would  a  blame  sight  sooner  scalp  themselves 
than  him.  And  I  do  believe  me  and  Nancy  was  beliked  by  them : 
and  many's  the  ven'sin  and  turkey  they  fotch'd  as  a  sort  of  pres- 
ent, and  maybe  a  kind  of  pay  for  breadstuffs  and  salt  Nancy  used 
to  give  them.  Sartin,  indeed,  a  white  would  now  and  then  be 
killed:  but  when  all  the  circumstansis  was  illusterated,  it  was 
generally  found  the  white  was  agressur,  and  was  kotch'd  doing 
something  agin  their  laws — and  me  and  Nancy  had  a  secret  con- 
science that  the  white  deserved  his  fate: — and  sometimes  I  felt 
like  takin  sides  with  the  red  skins  myself,  and  shootm  down  the 
whiskey  devils  that  made  them  drunk — but  I'll  not  enter  on  that 
now. 

"Well,  I  hunted  and  fish'd  about  whole  days,  the  livelong 
blessed  day,  while  Nancy  she'd  stay  alone  a  readin  Scott's  Family 
Bible:  so  that  she  got  three  times  right  spang  through  it,  from 
kiver  to  kiver — the  whole  three  volumes,  notes,  practical  ob- 
servations, marginal  references,  and  all!  And,  I  dad,  if  she 
didn't  read  clean  through  all  our  church  histories,  Milnursis,  and 
Mush-heemisis,  and  history  of  the  Baptisis  and  Methodisis,  and 
never  so  many  more  books  besides,  for  we  always  toted  our  books 
wherever  we  went.  And  when  I  fished  I  used  to  larn  sarmins 
by  heart  out  of  Christmas  Evans,  and  president  Davy's  and  Mr. 
Walker's  and  that  was  a  kind  of  help  in  preachin." 

Uncle  Tommy  usually  made  the  dead  speak  when  he  preached, 
and  sometimes  he  would  echo  Bishop  Shrub  and  Bishop  Hilsbury, 
and  other  living  apostles.  And  in  this  he  acted  wisely,  not  being 
competent  to  the  concoction  of  his  own  sermons;  and  besides, 
when  fully  excited  he  could  do  Christmas  Evans'  celebrated  al- 
manac sermon  nearly  as  well  as  Christmas  himself :  thence  among 


148  FIRST  YEAR 

the  "Baptistis,"  as  he  always  called  them,  Uncle  Tommy  was 
greatly  venerated,  and  was  heaped  up  with  titles  like  an  English 
Bishop,  being  styled:  "a  mighty  smart  and  most  powerful  big 
preacher!"  Let  not  Uncle  Tommy's  pulpit  preparation  be  de- 
spised; even  "high  larned  sheepskins,"  it  is  said,  do  sometimes 
lay  both  the  living  and  the  dead  under  heavy  contribution,  and 
that,  too,  when  not  endowed  with  our  buck-eye-preacher's  pathos 
and  unction.  We,  indeed,  of  Glenville,  always  preferred  that 
uncle  Tommy  should  represent  Davies  and  Walker — and  even 
Evans — and  not  to  give  his  own.  But  to  the  story ; 

"Well" — continued  he — "one  morning  early  in  December,  I 
says  to  Nancy,  "Nancy,  I  dad,  says  I,  I  do  believe  I'll  jist  take 
old  Bet — (a  rifle) — as  we  are  out  of  meat,  and  go  where  I  seen 
the  turkeys  roosting  last  night:  you  mind  the  morning,  Nancy, 
my  dear,  don't  you  ?" 

"Bless  you,  Tommy  Seymour,  I'll  never  forget  it — I  was  near 
losing  you  then,  Tommy." 

"Well,  Nancy,  I'll  go  on  with  the  story." 

This  was  one  of  the  interlocutories  that  always  varied  and 
interrupted  Uncle  Tommy's  narratives,  and  nothing  could  excel 
the  intense  interest  that  most  affectionate  and  devoted  wife — 
(wife  and  child  to  him) — took  in  the  stories,  though  heard  the 
hundredth  time.  But  uncle  Tommy  went  on: — 

"And  so  I  slips  out  of  bed — it  wasn't  day  quite — and  slips  on 
my  clothes,  and  fixes  my  old  gun  by  the  fire  and  then  opens  the 
door  to  set  out,  when  I  dissarned  a  leetle  sprinkle  of  snow  and 
a  likelihood  for  a  snow  storm.  Howsomever,  this  did'nt  faze 
me,  only  I  steps  back  for  my  old  camlit  cloak — little  thinking,  as 
I  fixed  it  on,  how  I'd  need  the  thing  afore  I'd  git  back  agin. 

"Well,  I  starts  for  where  I'd  seen  the  turkeys,  and  gitting  near, 
sneaked  round  a  bit,  but  soon  found  the  critturs  had  been  too 
quick,  and  like  Paddy's  flea,  wasn't  there.  I  heerd  them,  how- 
somever,  fly,  and  so  on  I  kept  creeping  slowly  along  till  I'd  got 
from  home,  mayhap,  a  matter  of  two  miles;  but  the  snow  was 
so  thick  in  the  air  that  I  never  could  dissarn  the  birds,  and  away 
they  kept  going  flurry-wurry  about  seventy  yards  a  head — till  I 
give  up  the  hunt  and  turn'd  to  go  home  for  fear  Nancy  might  be 
waiting  breakfast — " 


FIRST  YEAR  149 

"Yes,  Tommy  Seymour,  I  did  wait  breakfast  for  you — " 
"Never  mind,  Nancy,  my  dear  child,  I  got  back  at  last  you 
know" — replied  uncle  Tommy,  and  continued — "Well,  I  turn'd  to 
go  back,  but  I  dad  if  I  could  jist  exactly  tell  where  I  was  precise- 
ly, the  snow  had  so  teetolly  kivered  my  tracks,  and  it  was  now 
snowing  so  bodaciously  fast  as  to  kiver  as  fast  as  I  made  them, 
but  I  took  a  sharp  look  at  the  timber,  and  fixing  on  a  course,  I 
kept  my  line  for  near  two  mile — yet,  I  dad,  if  I  could  strike  the 
cabin  and  couldn't  tell  whether  it  was  too  high  or  too  low;  and 
so  up  I  went  a  short  quarter,  and  down  a  short  quarter,  as  near 
as  could  be  guessed  circumlocating  for  three  hours,  but  no  cabin 
was  to  be  seen.  Well,  says  I,  I  dad,  if  I  aint  about  as  good  as 
lost ;  and  so  sits  down  in  a  tree  top  to  reconsiderate,  and  take  a 
fresh  start — but  soon  starts  up  and  hallows  like  the  ole  Harry — 
but  nothing  gives  no  answer  and  all  was  snow! — snow! — snow! 
not  a  smite  of  noise,  only  my  breathing  and  a  sort  of  pittinpattin 
sound  of  my  heart!  I  found  it  wouldn't  do  to  stand  still  as  the 
scarces  begin  to  crawl  in  a  leetle,  and  so  off  I  sets  af  a  venture; 
for  the  cabin  must  be,  says  I,  somewhere  near;  and  sometimes 
I  conceited  it  to  be  ahead  of  me,  but  all  at  once  it  vanished,  and 
I  seed  it  was  only  a  case  of  fantis-magery — and  that  I,  Tommy 
Seymour,  was  actially  lost — " 

"Yes!  Tommy,  and  I  couldn't  give  you  any  help!" 
"Nancy!  child,  I  wouldn't  a  had  you  there  for  the  universal 
world." 

"Well," — resumed  he,— "there  I  was  teetotally  lost !  I  couldn't 
stay  still — yet  what  use  to  walk  on?  And  if  I  fired  my  gun,  and 
Nancy  heerd  it,  and  I  didn't  git  back,  mayhap  she'd  think  the 
Injins  had  killed  me,  and  then  she'd  come  out  and  git  lost  too! 
— and  with  that  idea,  thinks  I,  may  be  she's  out  now ! — and  then 
I  gits  bodaciously  sker'd  and  hollows  agin  like  the  very  ole  Harry ! 
and  walks  and  runs  this  way  and  that  way — the  snow  blinding 
my  eyes — but  all  was  of  no  use — I  was  lost!  lost!  lost!  But  it 
was  only  about  Nancy  here,  I  thought  at  this  time; — and  I  dad, 
if  I  din't  ketch  myself  a  crying  like  a  child, — and  wished  to  be 
lost  by  myself  without  her  coming  out  in  such  a  storm! — (We  here 
stole  a  look  at  Aunt  Nancy — I  could  not  catch  her  eye  as  she  had 
her  work-bag  over  her  face:  but  "I  dad,"  as  uncle  Tommy  used 


150  FIRST  YEAR 

to  say,  if  we  didn't  feel  a  leetle  tender  ourselves.  And  so,  gen- 
erous reader,  would  you  have  felt,  hearing  the  tremulous  thrill  of 
the  venerable  old  man's  voice  and  seeing  his  eye  affectionately 
turned  towards  that  dear  old  lady  that  for  so  many  years  had 
shared  his  wanderings  and  sorrows.) — "Well,  I  must  'a  become 
crazy,  running  round  and  hollowing  and  crying — and  all  of  no 
use — when  all  at  once  it  quit  snowing,  and  I  was  sperited  up, 
hoping  the  sun  would  shine  out  next,  and  I  could  take  a  course 
for  Squattertown  or  the  Injin  settlement.  But  it  kept  dark  and 
cloudy  and  I  begins  to  feel  weak  from  fatigue  and  hunger — 
(albeit  I  war'nt  sker'd  on  that  pint,  as  I  had  old  Bet  along) — 
and  so  allowing  it  was  about  one  o'clock,  I  determined  to  strike 
the  Blue  Fox,  and  keep  down  stream  to  the  settlement  on  its 
bank  thirty  miles  down.  Well,  off  I  sets  to  strike  the  river,  and 
in  about  four  miles  comes  to  a  little  pond  with  a  couple  of  ducks 
swimming  about.  I  stopp'd  in  my  tracks — knock'd  out  damp 
primin — puts  in  fresh — and  slams  away  and  kills  one  duck;  and 
the  other  flies  away.  And  I  gits  the  duck  to  land  by  pitching 
sticks  in,  but  not  wanting  to  lose  time,  I  kept  on  going;  and  so 
picked  off  the  feathers  and  sucked  a  little  of  it  raw,  till  it  'most 
made  me  sick,  and  I  thought  it  would  be  better  to  keep  and  cool 
it  at  night — which  was  now  coming  on  black  as  thunder.  Well, 
it  was  time  to  look  out  for  a  camp;  and  just  about  dark  I  come 
across  a  tree  what  had  been  twisted  off  by  a  harrikin,  and  was 
lodged  to  the  butt  ind  on  the  stump;  and  the  top  on  the  ground 
was  puttee  much  of  a  dry  brush  heap.  For  all  the  world !  there 
never  was  sich  a  place! — Providence  seemed  to  have  blow'd  it 
down  jist  for  me!  I  could  have  camp'd  there  a  week!  And  so 
we  brushes  away  the  snow  and  makes  a  fire  in  the  top !  and  near 
the  stump  under  the  trunk,  makes  a  comfortable  bed  out  of 
chunks  and  brush  wood :  and  then  I  goes  to  the  fire  and  sits 
down  to  cook  my  duck. 

"But,  I  dad,  if  I  could  help  thinking  about  our  cabin  and 
every  time  I  think  of  Nancy! — I — ;  but  I  know'd  there  was  a 
divine  Providence  and  a  heavenly  Father — and  so  I  prayed,  and 
then  eat  one  half  of  my  duck,  keeping  the  other;  as  game  was 
mighty  skerse  and  no  human  beings  was  in  that  direction  till  I 
struck  the  Blue  Fox.  And  then,  making  a  little  fire  near  my  bed 


FIRST  YEAR  151 

for  my  feet,  and  kivering  my  powder-horn  with  a  handkerchief 
to  put  under  my  head  for  fear  of  damp  and  sparks,  I  raps  up  in 
the  ole-camlit,  and  laid  down,  and  was  soon  fast  asleep. 

"Well,  after  a  while  I  gits  to  dreaming  I  was  lost  in  a  prararee, 
and  that  the  grass  had  tuck  fire,  and  that  I  was  a  kind  of  suf- 
focated and  scorch'd ; — and  I  dreamed  I  heerd  the  awful  roaring 
of  flames,  and  seen  a  burning  whirlwind  coming  towards  me,  and 
that  so  sker'd  me  that  I  woke  right  up — and,  I  dad!  as  I'm  a 
livin  man!  if  the  woods  all  around  me  wasn't  as  light  as  day! 
And  my  tree  was  all  a  living  blaze  and  burning  splinters  was 
tumblin  on  my  ole  camlit  — ay !  and  my  cotton  handkerchief  round 
my  powder-horn  was  jist  beginning  to  smoke  and  scorch ! — I  dad ! 
my  friends  and  bruthrin" — (Here,  Uncle  T.  insensibly  glided  into 
his  preaching  tone  and  manner) — "but  this  was  a  most  mur- 
rakulous  dream!!  and  show'd  the  nature  of  Providence  and  his 
care — or  I'd  'a  soon  been  burnt  to  death  or  blow'd  up!  And  I 
didn't  sleep  no  more — 'but  kneeled  down  and  thank'd  God  for 
the  deliverance;  and  then  kept  sitting  near  the  fire  till  day,  and 
then  I  once  more  started  for  the  river. 

"Howsomever,  to  make  a  long  story  short,  I  walked  on  and 
on  the  live-long  blessed  day,  and  never  heerd  or  seen  a  living 
crittur;  and  I  never  came  to  any  river — but  at  night  I  comes  to 
a  log  that  had  been  chopp'd  off  and  this  give  me  courage.  And 
so  I  makes  a  fire,  and  eats  now  the  other  half  of  my  duck — for  I 
was  somehow  sartain  I'd  find  a  settlement  in  the  morning.  Well, 
I  slept  the  second  night  along  side  this  log,  and  by  daybreak  I ' 
jumps  up  and  feels  something  a  kind  of  moving  in  my  old  camlit 
— and,  I  dad!  if  it  wasn't  a  snake  what  the  fire  had  smoked  out 
of  the  log  and  what  had  crept  into  me  to  be  warm !  But  I  only 
shook  out  the  reptile  and  never  killed  him,  thinking  only  of  some, 
settlemint — (Although  it  was  the  snake,  brother  John  told  about, 
that  made  me  think  of  my  adventure) — for  the  sarcumstance  of 
the  chopp'd  log  satisfied  me,  some  was  near,  as  it  was  no  tommy- 
hawk  cut,  but  was  done  with  a  white  man's  axe.  Well,  I  starts 
off  puttee  considerable  peert  and  brisk,  considerin  I  was  weak, 
and,  all  at  once,  as  I'm  a  livin  man,  if  I  didn't  hear  a  bark !  And 
so  I  stops  and  listens — and  there  was  another — and  another — 
and  I  was  sartain  it  wasn't  no  fox  or  wolf  but  a  dog — and  then, 


152  FIRST  YEAR 

I  dad !  if  I  didn't  streak  off  that  way  like  greased  lightnin ! — and 
begun  and  holler'd  and  fired! — and  the  dog  bark'd  louder  and 
louder,  and  kept  on  coming  nearer  and  nearer!  and  I  a  running 
and  hollerin  till  all  at  once  right  in  sight  of  me  was — a  human 
cabin!!  If  I  live  a  thousand  years, — (and  none  of  us,  my 
bruthren  will  live  half  that  long,) — I'll  never  forget  that  moment 
— and  if  ever  I  thank'd  God  with  a  rale  sinserity-heart,  'twas 
then.  But  while  I  was  reconsidering  whose  settlemint  it  was, 
for  things  looked  a  kind  of  familiar,  the  dog  what  had  kept  on 
barkin,  now  bust  out  of  the  bushes,  a  yelpin  and  a  prancin  around 
me ! — and  why  do  you  think  ? — because  the  poor  feller  had  found 
his  lost  master — and  it  was  Nancy's  little  dog  Ruff !  And  would 
you  believe  it? — my  eyes  was  suddenly  opened  and  like  a  pro- 
phit's,  and  I  found  I  was  on  my  own  trampin  ground,  and  the 
cabin  was  ours ! — and  there  stood  my  dear  child  Nancy,  a  lookin 
our  way  out  of  the  cabin  door!  I  dad!  if  I  didn't  snatch  up 
Ruff  and  kiss  him! — and  the  poor  little  crittur — (he's  dead  now) 
— Hck'd  my  face  with  his  tongue — and  in  that  way  I  run  over 
to  Nancy." — (Here  the  emotion  of  the  old  man  and  the  agitation 
of  his  wife  made  a  momentary  pause — it  was,  indeed,  as  solemn 
as  church.) — "Well,  after  all  was  explained  and  illusterated,  we 
kneel'd  down  and  thank'd  God:  and  then  Nancy,  she  told  how 
she  thought  I  was  killed  and  then  maybe  only  lost,  till  she  was 
jist  goin  to  start  for  the  next  settlemint;  and  if  I'd  a  come  ten 
minits  later,  she'd  been  off  after  help ! 

"So  that's  one  of  my  scrapes ;  and  it  illusterates  the  fillosof  ee 
that  makes  a  man  keep  going  round  and  round  when  he's  lost ;  for 
albeit  I  must  a  walked  more  nor  fifty  mile  in  the  two  days,  I 
wasn't  never  over  seven  mile  from  the  cabin;  and  that's  the 
pond  where  the  duck  was ;  and  when  I  come  back  again,  I  didn't 
know  at  fust  my  own  cabin — nor  the  chopp'd  log,  though  I'd  cut 
down  the  tree  myself.  And " 

Here  dinner  was  fortunately  announced;  for  nothing  else 
then  could  have  stopped  Uncle  Tommy — and  we  weddeners  had 
a  lucky  escape  from  a  long  sermon  on  Providence ;  Uncle  Tommy 
greatly  delighting  in  improvements,  and  "speretilizing"  his  ad- 
ventures, and  indeed,  all  other  matters,  and  usually  winding  up 
his  land-yarns  with  notes  and  practical  observations,  in  the  man- 


FIRST  YEAR  153 

ner  of  Henry  and  Scott.  The  truth  is  we  were  half  starved,  and 
had  very  natural  hankerings  after  "beggarly  elements — carnal 
meats  and  drinks,  and  such  like  observances." 

The  dinner  table  was  set  in  the  diagonal  of  the  room,  and  could 
accommodate  about  thirty  persons;  but  as  our  company  was 
twice  that  number,  we  were  "to  eat  twice."  As  usual  the  new 
married  persons  were  seated  at  one  end,  and  the  groomsman  and 
bridesmaid  at  the  other:  and  then  were  seated  all  the  married 
men,  and  after  that  as  many  as  possible  of  the  married  women; 
preference  on  such  occasions  being  shown  to  the  worthier  gender.4 
This  inversion  of  the  matrimonial  chord  arises  mainly  from  the 
fact,  that  out  there  women  reserve  themselves  to  attend  to  the 
table ;  and,  therefore,  when  the  "set  up"  is  ordered,  the  gentlemen 
instantly  seat  themselves  alongside,  and  partly  under  the  table. 
Sheepish  young  chaps  usually  hang  back,  however  hungry,  and 
say,  "Oh!  there's  no  'casion:"  after  which  they  give  an  ac- 
quiescing cough  or  two,  or  more  commonly  go  to  the  door,  and 
give  a  twang  with  the  nose  and  finger  instrument,  (in  place  of 
fashionable  phrases,)  and  then  drop,  as  if  shot  down,  into  a  seat, 
jerking  the  seat  under  the  table,  till  the  mouth  comes  to  its  level, 
and  is  thus  fixed  for  convenient  feeding. 

All  Glenville  had  a  seat  at  the  first  table,  except  John  Glen- 
ville,  who  partly  out  of  policy,  but  more  out  of  true  and  gentle- 
manly feeling,  preferred  coming  with  the  young  people  to  the 
second  table.  And  when  the  company  were  fixed — and  fixed 
it  was  till  one  could  barely  stir  a  hand  or  foot — Uncle  Tommy 
"asked  a  blessing;"  when  he  made  amends  for  a  long  story  by  a 
very  short  prayer.  But  even  in  that  prayer,  which  certainly  lasted 
no  longer  than  two  minutes,  he  contrived,  among  other  things, 
to  ask  a  blessing  on  the  young  folks,  praying  especially,  "for  them 
as  had  jist  been  married,  according  to  the  divine  appointment  in 
the  garden  of  Edin,  that  they  might  both  of  them  live  to  a  good 
old  age,  and  be  fruitful  and  multiply  and  replenish  the  earth, 
and  see  their  children's  children  to  the  third  and  fourth  giner- 
ation,  and  that  other  young  folks  present  might  soon  settle  and 
have  families,  and  become  an  honour  and  a  blessin  in  their  day 
and  gineration." 

*This  is  according  to  a  rule  of  Latin  grammar. 


154  FIRST  YEAR 

Many  young  gentlemen  of  "the  second  table"  waited  on  us  of 
"the  first  table,"  and  among  them  John  Glenville: — and  this 
was  taken  so  kindly,  that  before  we  went  home  declarations  were 
heard  about  "taking  him  up  for  the  legislature,  fall  come  a  year" 
— a  hint  not  lost  on  us,  and  of  which  more  hereafter.  I  am 
sorry  the  reader  can  only  taste  our  goodies  in  imagination ;  and 
yet  are  we  cruel  enough  to  let  him  see  what  he  lost. 

And  first,  notice,  all  eatables,  from  "the  egg  to  the  apple," 
were  on  our  table  at  once.  Thus  a  single  glance  disclosed  what 
amount  of  labour  was  expected: — our  whole  work  was  there, 
and  no  other  jobs  of  eating  by  way  of  appendix.  Nor  were  we 
plagued  with  changing  knives,  whipping  on  and  away  of  plates, 
and  brushing  or  removing  cloths ;  no,  no,  we  kept  right  dead 
ahead  with  the  work  from  the  start  to  the  finish ;  the  sole  labour 
of  the  attendants  being  to  keep  the  plates  "chuckfull"  of  some- 
thing, and  ours,  to  eat!  eat!  eat! 

The  dishes  next.  First,  then,  and  middlemost,  an  enormous 
pot-pie,  and  piping  hot,  graced  our  centre,  overpowering,  with 
its  fragrance  and  steam,  the  odours  and  vapours  of  all  other 
meats:  and  the  pot-pie  was  the  wedding  dish  of  our  Purchase, 
par  excellence!  The  pie  to-day  was  the  doughy  sepulchre  of 
at  least  six  hens,  two  chanticleers,  and  four  pullets,  if  it  be 
logical  to  reason  upward  from  legs  and  wings  to  bodies !  What 
pot  could  have  contained  the  pie  is  inconceivable,  unless  the  one 
used  for  "tarrifying  the  barr."  Why,  among  other  unknown 
contributors,  it  must  have  received  one  half  peck  of  onions !  And 
yet  it  is  to  be  feared  that  they  who  came  after  us  were  potpieless ; 
for  potpie  is  the  favourite,  and  woodmen  sharp  set  are  awful 
eaters. 

Around  the  pie  were  wild  turkeys,  (tame  enough  now,)  with 
wonderful  necks  stretched  out  in  search  of  their  heads,  and 
stupendous  limbs  and  wings  ready  for  flight,  the  instant  the  head 
should  be  discovered,  or  heard  from !  The  poor  birds,  however, 
were  so  done,  over  and  under  too,  that  all  native  juices  were 
evaporated,  and  the  flesh  was  dry  as  cork :  but  by  way  of  amends 
quarts  of  gravy  were  judiciously  emptied  on  our  plates  from 
the  wash-basin-bowls.  That  also  moistened  the  "stuffnin,"  com- 
posed of  Indian  meal  and  sausages. 


FIRST  YEAR  155 

These  two  were  the  grand  dishes:  but  sprinkled  and  scattered 
about  were  plates  of  fried  venison,  fried  turkey,  fried  chicken, 
fried  duck,  fried  pork,  and,  for  any  thing  I  could  know,  even 
fried  leather;  for  so  complete  and  impartial  the  frying,  that  dis- 
tinctive tastes  were  obliterated,  and  it  could  only  be  guessed,  by 
the  shape,  size,  legs,  &c.,  which  was  what,  and  the  contrary. 

But  who  can  tell  of  the  "sasses  ?"  for  we  had  'biled  petaturs !" 
— and  "smashed  petaturs !" — and  "petatursis !"  i.  e.  potatoes  rolled 
into  balls  as  big  as  marbles,  and  baked  brown.  And  there  were 
"bil'd  ingins!" — "fried  ingins!" — and  "ingins  out  of  this  here 
pie !"  Yes,  and  beets  of  all  known  colours  and  unknown  tastes ! 
— all  pickled  in  salt  and  vinegar  and  something  else !  And  there 
were  pickled  cucumbers,  as  far  as  salt  and  water  could  go;  and 
"punkun-butter !" — and  "punkun-jelle!" — and  corn  bread  in  all 
its  glory! 

Scientifically  inserted  and  insinuated  among  the  first  course, 
was  the  second;  every  crevice  and  space  being  wedged  up:  and 
had  the  plates  and  saucers  been  like  puzzlemaps.  ao  table  cloth 
would  have  been  visible  through  the  interstices.  And  fortunate ! 
the  table  itself  was  strong  and  masculine ;  otherwise  it  must  have 
been  crushed  under  the  combined  weight  of  elbows  and  dishes! 
This  second  course  was  chiefly  custard;  and  that  stood  in  bowls 
and  teacups  of  cadaverous  white,  encircled  by  unknown  flowers. 
A  pitcher  of  milk  was  gracefully  adorned  by  the  artist  with  the 
pattern  of  an  entrail,  taken  doubtless  out  of  some  school  book 
on  physiology.  But  we  had  also  custard-pies!  and  made  with 
both  upper  and  under  crusts !  And  also  maple  molasses,  (usually 
called  "them  'ere  molassisis,")  and  preserved  apples,  preserved 
water  melon-rinds,  and  preserved  red  peppers  and  tomatoes — 
all  termed,  for  brevity's  sake,  (like  words  in  Webster's  diction- 
ary,) "  'sarves." 

A  few  under  crusts,  or  shells,  were  filled  with  stewed  peaches 
and  apples;  an  idea  borrowed  by  Susan  from  Glenville:  but  so 
much  was  this  like  conformity  to  the  pomps  and  vanities  of  life, 
that  the  careful  mother  had  that  very  morning  rebuked  her 
daughter,  and  earnestly  advised  her  not  "to  take  to  quality  ways, 
but  naturally  bake  pies  with  uppermost  crusts's."  And  yet  Mrs. 
Ashford  soon  got  over  her  miff,  and,  won  by  the  marked  and 


156  FIRST  YEAR 

uncondescending  attention  paid  to  her  daughter  and  her  daughter's 
husband  by  us,  she  was  heard  not  long  after  the  rebuke  to  say — 
"Well,  arter  all,  they're  a  right  down  clever  sort  of  folks,  and 
that  'are  Mr.  Carltin  is  naterally  addicted  to  fun." 

Among  the  curiosities  were  the  pound  cakes,  as  numerous  as 
apple  dumplings,  and  about  as  large.  These  were  compounded 
of  some  things  found  in  pound  cakes  every  where,  and  of  some 
not  found,  maple  sugar  being,  evidently  from  the  taste,  the  master 
ingredient;  but  their  shape — that  was  the  beauty!  All  were 
baked  in  coffee-cups!  and  after  being  disencupped,  each  was  iced 
all  over,  till  it  looked  for  all  the  world,  exactly  like  an  ill-made 
snow  ball!  The  icing,  or  snowing,  was  a  composition  of  egg, 
starch,  and  a  species  of  double-rectified  maple  sugar,  as  fine  and 
white  as  table  salt. 

In  addition  to  all  these  matters  tea  and  coffee  were  severally 
handed,  while  the  girls  in  attendance  asked  each  guest — "Do  you 
take  sweet'nin?  If  the  reply  was  affirmative  the  same  sized 
spoonful  was  put  into  every  sized  cup;  and  then,  to  save  you 
the  trouble,  the  young  lady  stirred  the  beverage  with  her  own 
fair  hand,  and  with  as  much  energy  and  good  will  as  if  she  was 
mixing  molasses  and  water. 

Now,  we  do  hope  no  reader  will  think  we  of  Glenville  turned 
up  our  noses  at  all  this.  No,  no  verily ;  but  we  ate  as  much  and 
as  long,  laughing,  talking,  joking  all  the  time  too,  as  if  native 
born.  As  for  Mr.  Carlton,  he  stuck  mainly  to  pot-pie,  the  marbled- 
potatoes,  the  custard  and  the  maple  molasses;  which  last,  by  the 
way,  is  indeed  as  superior  to  all  far  east  and  down  east  molasses 
and  syrups  as  cheese  is  to  chalk. 

The  eventful  day  was,  however,  now  closing,  and  some  had 
already  taken  French  leave,  while  many  were  rigging  their  horses 
for  departure:  hence  we  also  began  assembling  our  party  to  go 
homeward.  But  at  the  request  of  some  young  fellows,  who  of- 
fered to  catch  Dick  and  see  the  "gals"  home,  we  left  our  helps, 
to  have  some  fun  after  the  graver  people  should  be  gone  away. 
About  a  dozen  volunteer  groomsmen  and  bridesmaids  remained 
to  "see  it  out ;"  viz,  to  torment  Susan  and  Joseph :  but  Mrs.  Ash- 
ford,  a  very  watchful  and  discreet  woman,  told  us  afterward,  she 
"took  care  to  stop  all  goins  on,  and  made  ev'ry  livin  soul  and  body 
of  'em  go  to  bed  an  hour  before  herself  and  her  man  went." 


FIRST  YEAR  157 

A  different  but  no  less  effectual  preventive  was  used  by  another 
new-married  couple  in  the  Purchase,  where  we  had  the  honour  of 
an  invitation.  The  loft  had  been  assigned  as  the  bridal  chamber, 
the  sole  access  to  which  was  a  light  ladder ;  and  up  this  some  of 
the  "weddeners"  intended  to  steal  and  upset  the  bed  of  the 
sleepers — but  alas!  for  the  fun! — the  groom,  in  anticipation  of 
the  favour,  it  was  found,  liad  drawn  up  the  ladder! 


CHAPTER  XX. 

"Parva  leves  capitant  animos." 

"Various,    that    the    mind    of    desultory    man." 

THE  ladies  of  Glenville,  in  addition  to  various  other  matters, 
paid  special  attention  in  the  winter  to  needle-work:  and  that 
was  bestowed  on  gowns,  coats,  overalls,  inexpressibles,  and  in 
short,  on  the  whole  tribe  of  unmentionables ;  and  also  on  various 
tasteful  and  fancy  articles.  In  the  kitchen  was  a  loom,  not  for 
laces,  but  for  measuring  out,  yard  after  yard  of  tow-linen  and 
Kentucky  jeans;  and  on  this  piano  forte  our  ladies  played  many 
a  merry  tune,  the  burden  of  which  was  "our  days  are  swifter 
than  a  weaver's  shuttle;"  which  yet  proved  that  a  short  span  is 
rendered  by  a  swift  shuttle.  Indeed,  in  our  circumstances,  the 
use  of  the  treadles  was  more  important  than  the  use  of  the  pedals. 

Our  ladies  this  winter  spent  much  time  in  reading:  and,  not 
a  little  in  longing  after  the  flesh-pots  of  Egypt!  And  yet  there 
was  much  in  the  wild  and  rough  wilderness; — much  in  the  men 
and  women  of  the  woods,  so  in  contrast  with  the  culture  of  the 
city,  that  when  the  novelty  passed,  and  we  had  time  to  reflect  that 
in  our  day  the  neighbours  could  never  be  like  us,  nor  we  like 
them — that  we  were  tolerated,  rather  than  cherished — and  were 
far  away  from  sympathy — it  was  then  that  we  seemed  to  awake 
to  a  sad  and  bitter  remembrance  of  the  past — yes,  and  that  past 
in  no  way,  to  some  of  us,  ever  to  be  restored,  to  be  revisited !  In 
the  far  east  were  the  graves  of  their  fathers! — (the  graves  of 
mine,  I  cannot  find)  for  the  Seymours  were  ancient,  and  in  their 
day  men  of  substance  and  renown.  And  Indians  are  not  the 


158  FIRST  YEAR 

only  ones  that  love  to  linger  among  the  graves  of  their  fathers : 
not  the  only  wanderers  that  see  in  vision  the  swelling  mounds  over 
their  dead,  and  see,  with  melting  hearts  and  dimming  eyes! 
Mournful  world !  before  we  left  the  woods,  graves  of  ours  had 
consecrated  two  lonely  spots  in  the  wilds,  and  our  dust  was  com- 
mingling with  the  dust  of  the  red  men :  so  that  lonely  now  amid 
the  graves  in  the  east,  we  here  sigh  and  weep  for  the  graves  in 
those  western  solitudes! 

****** 

As  for  myself,  this  winter,  I  made  the  closet  for  Carlton's 
study,  and  the  one  in  Bishop  Hilsbury's  cabin;  also  two  skuttles 
for  the  loom,  one  too  light  however,  the  other,  too  heavy:  and 
I  aided  in  putting  in  and  taking  out  "a  piece,"  becoming  thus 
adept  in  the  mysteries  of  woof  and  warp,  of  hanks,  reels  and  cuts. 
I  mended  likewise,  water  sleds,  hunted  turkeys,  missed  killing  two 
deer  for  want  of  a  rifle,  played  the  flute,  practised  the  fiddle,  and 
ever  so  many  other  things  and  what-nots.  But  my  grand  em- 
ployment was  a  review  of  all  my  college  studies ;  and  hence,  I 
was  the  very  first  man  since  the  creation  of  the  world  that  read 
Greek  in  the  New  Purchase !  And  it  was  I  that  first  made  the  apos- 
tles talk  out  there  in  their  own  language!  that  first  made  the 
primal  woods  resonant  with 

"Tyture  tu  patulae  recubans  sub  tegmine  fagi!" 
or  thunder  with  Demosthenes !  that  first  addressed  the  revereful 
trees  in  the  majestic  words  of  Plato — words  that  Jupiter  himself 
would  have  used  for  the  same  purpose  aye,  that  first  taught  those 
listening  trees  the  names  of  the  Hebrew  and  Chaldaic  alphabets, 
or  made  them  roar  like  the  sea  with  the  popupholosboio  thalasses ! 
And,  hence  from  the  renown  of  all  this,  I  was  finally  made  a 
trustee  of  the  State  College  at  Woodville ;  which  appointment  af- 
terwards brought  me  in  contact  with  some  adventures,  to  be 
narrated  in  their  proper  place.  The  appointment,  however,  was 
not  given  till  Mr.  J.  Glenville  took  his  seat  in  our  legislature  in 
182— .1 

1Hall  was  never  a  Trustee  of  the  State  College.  John  M.  Young 
(Genville)  served  in  the  Indiana  legislature  in  1828-29.  The  legislative 
session  under  the  constitution  of  1816  began  on  the  first  Monday  in  De- 
cember. The  election  was  held  on  the  first  Monday  in  August.  The 
reader  should  remember  that  Hall  represents  several  characters  in  the 
volume,  probably  for  the  sake  of  disguise.  This  renders  certain  passages 
confusing  and  apparently  inconsistent  with  the  facts.  Hall's  trusteeship 


FIRST  YEAR  159 

Our  evenings  were  devoted  to  cracking  nuts  and  jokes,  visiting 
Uncle  Tommy,  and  Bishop  H.,  to  planning,  to  hearing  adventures 
or  reading  aloud;  but,  as  it  was  not  possible  to  have  a  centre- 
table,  the  grand  family  lamp  was  suspended  in  the  centre  of  the 
parlour ;  and  then  around  this  we  either  sat  as  an  Iceland  family, 
or  raising  the  carpet-barriers,  we  lolled  on  the  nearest  beds  in 
couch  and  sofa,  and  ottoman  style. 

The  lamp  in  its  primitive  times  was  a  patty-pan;  but  having 
spent  its  youth  in  different  sorts  of  hot  ovens,  its  tin  had  entirely 
shone  out,  and  nothing  remained  save  the  oxydated  iron ;  yet,  to 
this  it  owed  its  present  elevated  station  in  Glenville — humility  be- 
fore exaltation!  In  the  edges  were  three  holes  punched  with  a 
tenpenny  nail,  and  into  these  were  put  and  fastened  three  several 
wires,  which  united  eighteen  inches  above  the  patty-pan,  were 
joined  by  a  strong  twine,  tied  to  a  hook  in  a  pole:  and  then  the 
whole  affair,  when  released  from  the  hand,  could,  and  did  swing 
with  a  very  regular  irregularity  over  the  middle  parlour.  The 
illuminator  filled  with  lard  or  bear's  oil,2  and  supplied  with  a 
piece  of  cloth  for  wick,  was  touched  with  flame  from  a  burning 
brand;  and  then  away  it  blazed  in  glory,  filling  all  things,  even 
eyes  and  noses,  with  light  and  soot!  But  we  soon  got  used  to 
suffocation ;  and  many  were  our  pleasant  nights  around  the 
pendulum  lamp,  spite  of  inconveniences  within,  and  the  cries  of 
prowling  beasts  without,  or  the  demon-like  shrieks  and  howls  of 
wintry  tempests!  Calm  consciences  in  rude  and  lone  huts  bid 
defiance  to  most  evils  and  dangers !  Besides,  who  has  not  known 
the  delight  of  lying  in  bed  and  under  an  unceiled  roof,  and  of 
being  lulled  to  slumber  by  the  music  of  a  pattering  rain!  So 
our  delight  arose  often  from  a  sense  of  entire  security :  and  yet 
the  dangers  and  evils  of  the  dark  and  howling  wilderness  so 
near ! — separated  by  a  slight  barrier ! 

During  the  day,  this  winter,  I  took  lessons  in  axecraft;  for, 
in  addition  to  the  "niggering-off,"  8  it  became  necessary  as  the 
cold  increased,  to  chop  off  logs,  especially  as  our  fire-place  de- 
voured wood  at  the  rate  of  half-a-cord  per  diem.  Niggering 

consisted  in  his  being  appointed  by  the  Trustees  as  the  first  teacher 
in  "the  State  College  at  Woodville." 

2  We  of  Glenville  burned  lard  many  years  prior  to  the  late  discoveries 
in  swine  light. 

8  To    be    described    hereafter. 


160  FIRST  YEAR 

belongs  mainly  to  very  large  timber,  and  pertains  rather  to  the 
science  of  log-rolling  than  of  preparing  fuel;  but  chopping  is 
essential  to  nearly  every  branch  of  a  woodsman's  life,  and  must 
be  learned  by  all  who  aspire  to  respectability  and  independence. 

Awkward  indeed,  were  my  first  essays,  and  my  strength  in- 
artificially  bestowed  on  every  blow,  was  soon  exhausted ;  but  when 
we  had  "larned  the  sling  o'  the  axe,"  then  could  we  as  easily 
execute  a  cord  a  day,  as  at  first  the  fourth  of  the  measure.  Nay, 
we  could  at  last  mount  a  prostrate  beech  and  take  the  butt  end 
two  feet  in  diameter:  and  then,  with  feet  apart,  the  exact  width 
of  the  intended  chip,  could  we  cut  away,  within  one  inch  of  the 
cowhide  boots,  and  that  neatly  and  regularly  all  the  way  to  the 
centre :  and  then,  turning  round,  accomplish  the  same  on  the  other 
side,  till  cuttings  matched  and  almost  met,  when  we  would  make 
the  final  and  flourishing  cut,  and  then  in  a  moment  lay  two  logs 
out  of  one ! 

But  oh!  the  way  Tom  Robinson  could  flourish  the  axe!  And 
proud  am  I  to  call  Tom  my  master;  indeed,  all  Glenville  were 
indebted  to  his  lessons.  Tom  was  a  fellow  of  gigantic  propor- 
tions, longer  than  six  feet  three  inches,  and  with  enormous  width 
of  breast, — about  "the  girth"  like  a  columnar  beech.  He  had 
also  legs  and  arms  to  match.  His  face  was  as  mild  as  a  full 
moon's,  and  nearly  as  big,  and  in  temper  he  was  as  good-natured 
and  harmless  as  a  chubby  baby !  Tom  rarely  bragged ;  although 
he  could  shoot  well,  drive  wagon  well,  ride  horses  wild  and  tame, 
and  walk  as  fast  and  nearly  as  far  as  an  elephant :  still  he  would 
boast  a  little  about  his  chopping,  being  indeed  as  an  axeman,  the 
envy  and  admiration  of  all  that  part  of  the  Purchase.  Oh!  I 
do  wish  we  could  paint  Tom's  smile  of  benevolent  scorn  as  he 
took  the  axe  from  my  awkward  hands,  to  "larn  me  the  sling!" 
when  he  saw  me  puffing  at  every  ineffectual  blow,  striking  every 
time  in  a  new  place,  till  a  little  weak  amorphous  chip  was  at  long 
last  haggled  out  with  hashed  edges — it  was  really  sublime. 

"Jeest  *  do  it  so  like  Mr.  Carlton — a  sort  of  hold  your  left  hand 
here,  allowin  you're  goin  to  strike  right  hand  licks;  and  your 
tother  hand  so  fashion,  a  toward  the  helf — but  a  sort  a  loose: 

4  Jist  becomes  jeest,  and  little,  Icetle  out  there,  when  tenderness  and 
affection  or  diminution,  &c.,  is  to  be  designated. 


FIRST  YEAR  161 

then  swing  the  axe  out  so,  lettin  the  loose  hand  run  up  agin 
tother  this  away" — and  here  Tom's  axe  finished  the  sentence  or 
speech  by  gleaming  down  and  burying  itself  nearly  to  its  back  in 
the  log:  but  next  instant  it  was  again  quivering  in  the  air,  and 
changing  its  direction  was  gleaming  and  burying  itself  as  at  first, 
till  out  leaped  elastic  chips  light  as  a  feather,  although  these  chips 
were  twelve  inches  long,  and  two  thick !  And  then  the  log  would 
show  two  inclined  planes  as  if  wrought  with  a  chisel! — and  all 
the  time  Tom  talking  and  laughing  away,  like  a  fellow  whittling 
poplar  with  a  dirk-knife.  Oh !  it  was  really  delicious  to  see  such 
cutting ;  and  it  was  surprising  anybody  should  call  wood-chopping 
hard  work — it  was  nothing  but  cutting  butter  with  a  hot  knife. 

Reader,  Tom  had  actually  done  in  axery,  what  Horace  pro- 
nounces in  writing,  the  perfection  of  the  art,  viz.  ravishing  and  yet 
beguiling  the  reader  into  an  opinion  that  he  can  write  as  well. 
Tom  therefore  was  a  master.  Aye,  the  axe  in  his  hand,  was  like 
the  bow  in  Paganini's — and  in  the  Purchase  vastly  more  service- 
able. In  short,  Tom  could  cut  wood  like  lightning;  and  whilst 
some  things  can  be  done  before  a  fluent  tongue  (female  of  course) 
can  say  Jack  Robison,  we  defy  any  body  to  do  the  same  things 
before  Tom  Robison  could  chop  a  stick  off! 

We  shall  now  describe  our  firemaking,  not  indeed  to  be  imitated 
in  here  to  the  utter  ruin  of  all  moderate  fortunes,  but  to  show  the 
grand  scale  on  which  we  do  even  small  matters  out  there.  To 
build  a  New  Purchase  fire,  a  cabin  must  first  be  builded  or  built 
for  the  fire,  with  a  fireplace,  constituting  nearly  one  whole  end  of 
the  cabin ;  then  we  must  have  wood,  not  by  the  cord,  but  by  the 
acre ;  and  thirdly,  we  must  have  active,  robust,  honest-hearted  fel- 
lows to  cut  and  carry  in,  unless  one  niggers-off,  as  some  do,  and 
drags  logs  into  the  cabin  by  horse-power. 

The  foundation  of  our  fire  was  laid  every  day  very  early  and 
required  all  hands.  We  men — hem !  we  men  rose  before  sun-up ; 
and  then  uncle  John  hauled  out  the  relics  of  yesterday's  fire — coals 
plenty  and  lively — the  unconsumed  centre  of  the  back-log  and 
chunks  of  foresticks ;  while  Glenville  and  Carlton  issued  forth  to 
select  a  new  back-log.  This  was  usually  of  beech,  the  greener  the 
better,  and  about  seven  feet  long  and  two  in  diameter.  It  was 
rolled  to  the  door  with  handspikes,  where,  with  the  aid  of  uncle 


162  FIRST  YEAR 

John,  it  was  next  rolled,  lifted,  pushed  and  coaxed  into  the  centre 
of  the  parlour :  and  here  we  rested  and  blowed,  uttering  between 
the  puffs — "plaguey  heavy !"  "a'most  too  long  "  and  the  like.  But 
directly,  with  a  few  united  efforts  the  back-log  was  rolling  and 
crushing  over  the  coals  and  soon  lodged  with  a  thundering  noise 
in  its  bed  of  hot  ashes,  and  against  the  stone  back  of  the  inner 
chimney ;  we,  during  this  process,  alternately  lifting  our  scorched 
shins,  and  then  at  the  noise  of  the  thunder,  nimbly  leaping  back 
and  rubbing  them;  till  we  could  nearly  have  ventured  at  last  to 
try  the  ordeal  of  the  burning  plowshares.  The  log  was  now  cov- 
ered with  ashes  to  prevent  too  rapid  a  consumption ;  and  then  two 
delicate  andirons  in  the  shape  of  pig  iron,  were  pushed  by  a  stick 
into  proper  position,  being  always,  any  time  in  the  winter,  too  hot 
to  be  touched  with  the  hand  or  even  kicked  with  the  foot.  In 
case  a  cabin  has  opposite  doors,  much  labour  and  many  sprains 
may  be  saved  and  avoided,  by  tackling  a  horse  to  an  end  of  the 
back-log  and  hauling  it  into  the  cabin;  it  is,  however,  rather  a 
slovenly  practice,  and  used  mostly  by  women  in  the  absence  of 
the  men. 

Next  in  order  were  the  second-story  back-log,  and  the  fore 
stick — equal  in  length,  but  different  in  diameter  and  material :  the 
former  being  of  beech  and  one  foot  thick,  the  latter  of  sugar  tree 
and  about  eight  inches  thick.  Each  is  often  carried  by  two  per- 
sons; but  still  oftener  each  is  hipped.  And  hipping  is  done  by 
one  man  who  has  some  strength  and  more  dexterity ;  who  adroitly 
whips  up  the  log  on  his  hip,  and  trots  off  with  it  like  the  youngest 
quill-driver  of  a  shop  will  do  with  Miss  Troublesome's  small 
bundle  of  silk  under  his  arm.  These  timbers  are  also  frequently 
shouldered — but  I  regret  to  say  that  a  certain  friend  of  ours 
when  his  turn  came,  used  to  roll  his  stick  as  far  as  the  door,  and 
then  hitch  it.  Hitching  is  performed  by  getting  the  article  on  an 
end  (no  odds  which)  and  then  working  it  along  by  alternate  cor- 
ners: an  operation  that  impressed  on  our  puncheons  numerous 
indented  mementos  of  our  friend's  lazy  ingenuity.  The  plane 
beauty  of  poplar  or  pine  floors  it  would  have  marred  forever !  The 
puncheons,  however,  thought  little  of  the  matter,  although  they 
wriggled  and  "screeched"  like — like — let's  see.  Oh!  like  all  the 
world ! 


FIRST  YEAR  163 

Meanwhile  uncle  John  carried  in  brush  enough  to  make  a  Jersey 
load  of  oven  faggots ;  and  the  girl,  baskets  full  of  all  sized  chips, 
from  the  Tommyrobison  kind  down  to  the  Carlton  sort;  and  so 
when  the  upper  back-log  and  fore-stick  had  been  arranged,  there 
were  present  all  the  kindling  and  burning  materials.  An  infant 
sapling,  some  three  inches  thick,  lay  between  the  back  log  proper 
and  the  fore-stick,  forming  thus  a  chasm  for  a  bushel  of  burning 
coals ;  while  other  coals  remained  under  and  above  the  pile ;  and 
then  across  the  upper  coals  were  placed  bits  of  small  trees  inter- 
mingled with  hot  chunks  and  cold  chips,  the  whole  being  capped 
and  climactirized  with  a  brush  heap. 

Now  issued,  first,  volumes  of  smoke,  then  a  spiteful  snap  or 
two,  becoming  soon,  however,  a  loud  and  decided  crackling;  and 
then  appeared  several  fierce  curly  blazes,  white,  red,  and  blue, 
verifying  the  vulgar  saying  about  smoke  and  fire ;  till  the  tempera- 
ture of  things  getting  to  the  scientific  point — out  burst  simultane- 
ously from  all  parts  of  the  structure  a  wide,  pure,  living  roaring 
flame  chasing  soot-clouds  up  the  stick-chimney,  dispersing  fire- 
builders  as  far  as  the  carpet  barrier,  and  lighting  the  interior  cabin 
with  the  blaze  of  a  volcano ! 

Combustion — (hem!)  was  supported  during  the  day  on  the 
most  philosophic  principles ;  by  supplying  fuel;  not  a  small  bladder 
of  gas ;  not  even  an  old  fashioned  Philadelphia  iron  fore  stick  and 
stone  black  log;  but  real  backwood's  fuel,  chips,  brush,  bits  of 
saplings  and  miniature  timber.  The  fire  was  constructed  regu- 
larly once  only  in  twenty- four  hours ;  although  some  back  logs  will 
last  nearly  twice  that  period. 

Each  firemaker  had  a  tong  of  green  timber  an  inch  thick  and 
six  feet  long ;  hence  two  persons  lifting  or  poking  in  concert  were 
equivalent  to  a  pair  of  tongs.  Usually  we  operated  with  only 
one  tong ;  but  by  dexterity  all  can  be  accomplished  with  that  one, 
that  in  here  is  commonly  done  with  "tongses"  and  shovel  to  boot. 
True,  our  practice  was  incessant ;  since  no  man,  woman,  nor  child 
in  the  Purchase  ever  stood,  sat,  or  lay  near  a  fire  without  poking 
at  it!  Hence  my  determined  and  ineradicable  hostility  to  a  fire 
of  coal,  bituminous  or  anthracite — the  thing  won't  be  poked !  And 
what's  a  fire  for,  if  it  aint  to  be  poked  ?  Our  young  woman  now, 
in  here,  keeps  every  thing  in  the  shape  of  poker,  and  scraper,  and 


1 64  FIRST  YEAR 

tong,  single  or  double,  out  of  my  way;  and,  when  the  grate  or 
stove  needs  a  little  tussling,  in  comes  she  with  some  iron  article 
or  other:  but  always  on  going  out  takes  the  article  with  her — 
"for  fear  Mr.  Carlton  will  spile  her  fire!!" 

Bah! — don't  lecture  me  about  furnaces  and  flues,  and  patent 
grates  and  ranges,  and  no-burns  and  all-saves,  of  this  pitiful  age ! 
Give  me  my  all-burn  and  no-save  fire  of  beech  and  sugar  and  chip 
and  brush — hand  back  my  tong — let  me  poke  once  more !  Oh !  let 
me  hear  and  see  once  more  before  I  die  a  glorious  flame  roaring 
up  a  stick-chimney !  There  let  me,  on  this  celebrated  cold  Thurs- 
day, thermometer  two  and  a  half  inches  below  zero,  there  let  me 
stand  by  my  cabin  fire  and  be  heated  once  more  through  and 
through !  Oh !  the  luxury  of  lying  in  bed  and  looking  from  behind 
our  Scotch  wall  on  that  fire! 

Oh !  ye  poor  frozen,  starving  wretches  of  our  blind  and  horrible 
alleys,  and  dark  and  loathsome  cellars ;  ye,  I  now  see  buying  two- 
penneth  of  huckstered  sticks  to  heat  your  water  gruel  for  one 
more  mouthful  before  ye  die ;  ye,  that  are  shivering  in  rags,  beg- 
ging of  that  red-faced  carter  in  the  pea  jacket  a  small,  knotty, 
four- foot-stick  of  sour,  sappy  scrub  oak  just  fallen  from  his  cart, 
to  hear  it  sob,  sob,  on  the  foodless  hearth  of  your  dungeon  like 
holes — away!  for  heaven's  sake,  if  you  starve  not  before,  away 
next  summer  to  the  woods ! 

Go;  squat  on  Congress  land!  Go;  find  corn  and  pork  and 
turkeys  and  squirrels  and  opossums  and  deer  to  eat !  Go ;  and  in 
the  cold,  cold,  cruel  winter  like  to  day,  you  shall  sit  and  lie  and 
warm  you  by  such  a  fire ! — Go ;  squalid  slaves !  beg  an  axe — put 
out — make  tracks  for  the  tall  timber — Go;  taste  what  it  is  to  be 
free!  Away! — run! — leap! — and  shout — "Hurraw — aw!  the 
ranges  for — ever ! !" 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

"Thy  hounds  shall  make  the  welkin  answer  them, 
And  fetch  shrill  echoes  from  the  hollow  earth." 

WE  had  this  year  a  very  merry  Christmas.  For  first  and  fore- 
most we  devoted  the  holidays  to — hog  killing  and  all  its  accom- 
paniments, lard  rendering,  spare-rib  cooking,  sausage  making, 
and  the  like.  And  secondly,  our  cow  Sukey  performed  a  very 
wonderful  thing  in  the  eating  and  drinking  line: — she  devoured 
a  whole  sugar  trough  full  of  mast- fed  rendered  lard !  The  blame, 
at  first,  attached  to  Dick ;  but  he  could  clearly  prove  an  alibi,  and 
besides  Sukey  had  very  greasy  chops,  and  got  horrid  sick,  as 
much  so  as  she  had  swallowed  a  box  of  Quackenborg's  pills:  and 
when  she  did  again  let  us  have  milk  it  was  actually  oily!  And 
then,  thirdly,  there  was  aunt  Kitty's  mishap  about  the  sausages. 

Aunt  Kitty  was  intended  by  nature  for  a  dear  delightful  old 
maid ;  and  she  greatly  mistook  her  vocation  by  marrying,  although 
nothing  but  her  being  a  great  favourite  with  the  beaux  of  the  last 
century  hindered  the  fulfilment  of  her  destiny.  She  was  the  most 
amiable  and  kind-hearted  woman — but  a  leetle  too  modest ;  so  that, 
in  her  circumlocutions  and  paraphrases  to  get  round  the  tough 
places  of  plain  English,  she  often  made  us  uneasy  lest  she  stump, 
or,  perhaps  light  on  some  unlucky  word  or  phrase  worse  than  the 
one  she  shyed  at.  She  denominated  the  chanticleer — chickbidde 
— or,  he-bidde — or,  old-rooster;  and  the  braying  gentleman  she 
styled — donkey;  although  she  would  venture  as  far  as — Jack. 
Ancle,  with  her,  was  any  part  from  the  knee  downward,  and 
limbs  were  of  course,  her  what-y  callums.  She  milked  the  cow's 
dugs,  and  greased,  not  her  bag,  but  her — udder.  From  all  which 
it  maybe  conjectured  what  ingenious  contrivances  in  strange  cab- 
ins were  necessary  before  Aunt  Kitty  could  get  into  bed  or  out 
of  it :  indeed,  setting  all  backwood  scorn  and  ridicule  at  defiance, 
she  would  take  the  very  coverlet  and  fork  it  up  for  a  curtain ! 

Well,  Aunt  Kitty  called  things  prepared  for  the  reception  of 
sausages,  skins;  and  so  this  Christmas  having  prepared  the  skins 
by  the  scraping  process,  she  laid  them  away  in  salt  and  water 
till  the  stuffing  was  to  take  place;  but  when  the  hour  for  that 

165 


166  FIRST  YEAR 

curious  metamorphose  of  putting  swine  into  their  own  skins 
came,  behold!  the  skins  could  not  be  found — 

"What !  had  Dick  devoured  them?" 

Oh !  no, — the  girl  had  accidentally  thrown  them  all  away.  And 
this,  indeed,  was  too  bad;  and  no  housekeeper  can  blame  Aunt 
Kitty  for  being  greatly  provoked :  but  alas !  for  delicacies,  anger 
permitted  no  choice  of  words: — (and  by  that  it  may  be  seen  how 
angry  Aunt  Kitty  was;)  for  on  learning  the  cause  and  manner 
of  the  irreparable  loss  she  exclaimed : — 

"Why,  you  careless — you!  Have  you  really  gone  and  thrown 
out  all  my  g — ts !  that  I  was  keeping  for  skins ! !" 

Fourthly,  we  had  a  deer  hunt,  not  only  somewhat  remarkable 
in  itself,  but  memorable  for  the  change  it  caused  in  the  relations 
of  Brutus  and  Caesar — the  dogs  of  Glenville.  Of  these,  Brutus 
was  the  elder,  and  hence,  though  smaller  and  weaker,  he  managed 
to  govern  Caesar :  proof  that  among  brutes  opinion  has  much  to  do 
with  mastership  and  reverence.  An  intimate  acquaintance  with 
old  Dick  and  the  two  canine  gentlemen  has  unsettled  my  early 
theories  about  instinct  and  reason:  and  as  to  the  first-named 
worthy,  the  theory  that  the  power  of  laughing  is  distinctive  of 
human  beings  must  be  received  with  limitation;  for  Dick,  if  he 
never  indulged  in  a  rude  boisterous  horse-laugh,  could  and  did 
most  decidedly  and  repeatedly  grin — and  that  is  all  some  very 
sober  and  sensible  persons  ever  attain  to. 

As  to  the  others,  Brutus  had  possession  of  the  premises  before 
Caesar  was  even  a  whelp ;  and  though  only  Caesar's  foster-sire,  he 
had  trained  him  in  his  puppyhood  in  all  the  arts  of  doggery ;  show- 
ing him  how  to  worry  infant  pigs,  then  saucy  shoats,  and  finally 
true  hogs,  and  without  regard  of  size  or  sex.  He  taught  him  how 
to  chase  poultry,  and  suck  eggs ;  how  to  hang  at  a  cow's  tail  and 
yet  avoid  both  horn  and  heel ;  how  to  hunt  squirrels,  opossums  and 
racoons ;  and  how  even  to  shake  a  venomous  snake  to  death  and 
not  be  bit.  And  to  his  indefatigable  care  and  example  was  owing 
the  loss  of  our  original  bacon-skin  hinges,  and  the  ruin  of  sundry 
raw  hides. 

But  when  the  cold  meat,  or  potatoes,  or  buttermilk,  &c.,  was  set 
out  in  the  dogs'  sugar-trough,  how  instructive  the  dignity  of 
Brutus  as  he  walked  up  solus,  and  with  no  ravenous  and  indelicate 


FIRST  YEAR  167 

haste  to  eat  his  fill!  And  how  revereful  the  mammoth  and  lub- 
berly Caesar,  standing  at  a  distance  till  his  step-father  had  finished 
and  retired!  Caesar,  when  very  hungry  or  smelling  something 
extra,  would  indeed  crawl  up  with  an  imploring  eye  and  piteous 
whine :  but  then  the  awful  look  and  cautionary  growl  he  received 
from  the  wiser  dog  sent  him  away  in  a  moment  with  a  trailed  tail 
and  even  to  a  greater  distance  than  ever!  And  yet  Caesar  was 
equal  in  strength  and  size  to  one  Brutus  and  a  half!  Carlyle's 
theory  of  opinion,  must  be  extended  to  dogs :  and  our  deer  hunt 
will  confirm  it. 

One  day  during  Christmas  week  Uncle  John  went  a  hunting. 
About  two  o'clock,  however,  he  returned,  having  wounded  a  deer 
a  mile  beyond  our  clearing,  and  wishing  after  dinner — (now  on 
the  table) — to  take  the  two  dogs  to  put  on  its  trail;  when  we 
should  soon  find  the  deer  and  in  all  probability  dead.  Accord- 
ingly, on  reaching  the  spot,  and  blood  being  here  and  there  visible, 
the  dogs  were  placed  on  the  trail,  and  we  soon  came  in  sight  of 
the  poor  deer.  It  was  not  dead,  as  had  been  conjectured,  but  was 
lying  down  sorely  wounded,  on  a  little  island  in  the  creek,  hoping 
there,  after  baffling  pursuit  by  the  intervening  water,  to  sob  away 
its  life  unseen  and  undisturbed  by  its  relentless  enemies !  Poor 
creature !  mere  accident  led  us  to  look  towards  its  retreat ;  where, 
alarmed,  it  had  incautiously  moved,  and  no  moving  thing  ever  is 
unseen  by  the  wary  and  stationary  hunter — and  then,  at  our 
shouts,  up  sprang  the  terrified  animal,  wounded,  but  bounding 
away  as  though  unharmed!  And  away  in  pursuit  leaped  the 
yelping  dogs ;  but  in  the  excitement  Caesar,  forgetful  of  all  rever- 
ence, in  the  lead. 

Following  the  uproar,  I  ran  up  on  this  side  the  creek  about  two 
hundred  yards ;  and  then  the  deer  was  seen  recrossing  the  water  a 
few  rods  higher,  Caesar  close  on  the  flank,  the  most  noble  Brutus 
panting  far  enough  in  the  rear ! 

The  poor  hunted  victim,  blind  and  expiring,  staggered  in  its 
last  agony  towards  my  station ;  and  then,  as  Caesar  leaped  to  seize 
its  throat,  it  fell  stone  dead  at  my  feet;  for  the  rifle  ball  had 
passed  nearly  through  its  body,  and  the  chase  had  happily  but 
accelerated  death.  The  two  brothers,  for  Uncle  Tommy  had 
joined  us,  now  came  up ;  and  then,  the  feet  of  the  dead  deer  tied 


i68  FIRST  YEAR 

in  pairs,  and  a  sappling,  cut  and  prepared  with  a  tomahawk,  in- 
serted longitudinally  under  the  thongs,  we  shouldered  our  prey 
and  marched  homeward  triumphant : — i.  e.  we  three  rationals  and 
the  now  opinionated  and  consequential  Caesar,  who  (or  which?) 
strutted  near,  every  few  paces  leaping  up  and  smelling  at  the 
carcass.  But  Brutus,  the  hitherto  lord  of  the  woods  and  clearing, 
alas!  dejected,  lagged  away  behind,  both  crest  fallen  and  tail  fal- 
len! yes,  both,  for  he  hung  his  head  and  kept  his  tail  dangling 
without  one  triumphant  flourish!  He  evidently  felt  his  impor- 
tance lessened,  his  dignity  diminished  by  such  a  palpable  and 
utter  natural — not  to  say  moral — inability  to  be  in  at  the  death. 
Yes,  opinion  was  changed !  And  he  saw  plain  enough  that  Caesar 
entertained  notions  of  dog  authority  now  very  inconsistent  with 
peaceable  subjection — ay!  as  different  as  when  slaves  first  wake 
to  the  full  perception  of  their  powers  and  rights  and  opportunities ; 
their  masters  having  injudiciously  allowed  them  to  discover  them- 
selves to  be  really  men  and  to  have  souls !  Yes,  yes,  opinion  had 
changed ;  and  these  dogs  read  it  in  one  another's  eyes, — for  that 
very  day  the  instant  the  entrails  of  the  slain-deer  were  thrown  out 
as  the  dogs'  reward,  up  rushed  the  unceremonious  Caesar;  and 
when  Brutus  tried  the  experiment  of  the  old  cautionary  growl, 
Caesar  instead  of  modestly  retiring  as  usual,  leaped  ferociously 
upon  his  venerated  stepfather,  and  so  bit  and  gored  and  pitched 
and  rolled  and  tossed  him,  that  away,  away  ran  the  elder  dog  at 
the  first  fair  interval  howling  with  rage,  vexation  and  pain !  And 
ever  after  that  memorable  deer  hunt  Caesar  continued  to  eat  at  the 
first  trough  and  Brutus  at  the  second. 

Part  of  the  venison  fell  to  Uncle  Tommy's  share,  which  I  aided 
him  to  take  home ;  and,  in  return,  he  insisted  on  my  spending  the 
evening  at  his  cabin — and  then  the  reader  may  be  sure  we  had 
many  a  long  story  on  hunting ;  but  he  would  rather  have  described 
the  squatteree  itself  than  hear  all  our  stories  and  adventures.  The 
squatteree  was  a  cabin  just  fourteen  feet  by  ten,  and  most  ac- 
curately built  of  small  round  saplings,  very  much  alike  in  dia- 
meter and  looks,  and  nicely  dressed  at  the  corners.  It  was,  in- 
deed, a  darling  little  miniature  cabin,  and  would  have  done  to  a 
tittle  for  rabblerousing  in  the  late  presidential  campaign.1  Old 

1The  notable  "log  cabin  and  hard  cider"  campaign   of   1840,   so   re- 
markable for  its  "hullabaloo  and  claptrap." 


FIRST  YEAR  169 

Dick  could  easily  have  drawn  it,  and  Uncle  Tommy,  whose  heart 
was  the  old  General's  would  have  driven! 

A  large  space  inside  was  occupied  by  a  bed-apparatus  con- 
structed as  follows : — uprights,  at  their  lower  ends,  were  nailed  to 
elects  on  the  floor,  and  on  the  uprights  were  pegged  a  side  and 
foot  piece; — the  logs  of  the  cabin  making  unnecessary  a  second 
rail  and  head  piece.  Next  was  a  sacking  of  clapboards  pinned 
down ;  and  then  a  very  thick  straw  bed,  and  over  that  a  sumptuous 
feather  bed;  the  whole  very  comfortable  for  the  good  old  folks, 
especially  as  Uncle  Tommy  used  to  say  of  themselves,  that  they 
were  "old  and  tough." 

Opposite  the  bed  stood  the  bureau;  the  door  opening  into  the 
cabin  between  the  two,  and  a  narrow  aisle  or  passage  being  left 
to  the  cooking  and  eating  end  of  the  nest.  Adjoining  the  bureau 
was  the  puncheon  table  with  its  white  oak  legs;  and  which 
served  for  eating,  sewing,  reading,  and  indeed,  all  domestic  uses ; 
whilst  opposite  the  table,  and  at  the  foot  of  the  bed,  were  shelves 
for  crockery  and  every  article  of  squatter  house-keeping.  Over 
the  fire-place  was  an  extraordinarily  wide  mantel,  sustaining  can- 
ister, and  bowl  upon  bowl,  and  bags,  some  of  linen  and  some  of 
paper;  and  having  above  itself  two  racks,  one  supporting  an 
enormously  long  duck  gun,  and  the  other,  "Old  Bet" — a  black, 
surly  looking  rifle,  with  the  appurtenances  of  horns,  pouches, 
loaders,  tomahowks  and  knives  pendant  from  the  hooks.  There 
hung,  also,  several  pairs  of  moccasins,  and  two  sets  of  leggings ; 
an  old  pair  of  green  baize,  and  a  new  pair  of  blue  cloth. 

Over  the  table  and  bureau  were  shelves,  but  mainly  for  the 
library.  The  books  were  principally  books  of  divinity  and  church 
history,  and  also  of  prayer  and  devotion;  but  yet  were  on  the 
shelves  Don  Quixotte,  Robinson  Crusoe,  Paradise  Lost,  Border 
Tales,  Cooper's  Works,  Thomson's  Seasons,  and  Young's  Night 
Thoughts.  The  bureau  top  was  consecrated  to  Bibles  and  Hymn 
Books;  and  here  was  piled  the  famous  Scott's  Commentary,  in 
five  volumes  quarto,  and  so  often  read,  from  "kiver  to  kiver  I" 
Indeed,  from  their  appearance,  one  would  almost  have  judged 
them  to  have  been  read  clean  through  "the  kivers !" 

The  neatness,  the  quiet,  the  cleanliness,  the  comfort,  the  wild 
independence  of  this  nest  of  a  cabin; — the  hunt  of  the  day; — 


1 70  FIRST  YEAR 

the  stories; — all,  all  were  so  like  the  dreams  of  my  boyhood! 
How  happy  Uncle  Tommy,  now  more  than  seventy  years  old! 
and  Aunt  Nancy,  now  more  than  sixty !  Happy  in  themselves,  in 
one  another,  in  their  home,  and  in  their  scriptural  hopes  of  the 
future  life ! 

****** 

But  the  arangement  for  getting  water,  when  the  old  lady  should 
be  alone,  and  in  wet  weather,  without  leaving  the  cabin! — that 
was  the  nicety.  The  nest  was  a  few  yards  below  a  beautiful 
fountain,  and  over  its  running  stream;  then  in  the  floor  a  light 
puncheon  was  fixed  as  a  trap,  so  that  with  a  calabash  at  the  end 
of  a  proper  pole  Aunt  Nancy  could  dip  as  from  an  artificial  re- 
servoir ! — and  all  without  a  water  tax ! 

Our  supper  to-night  was  of  coffee,  corn  bread,  butter,  eggs, 
short-cakes,  and  venison  steaks!  Yes,  venison  steaks! — Away 
with  your  Astor  House,  and  Merchants'  Hotel,  and  Dandies'  Tav- 
erns ;  if  you  do  want  to  know  how  venison  steaks  do  taste — go  to 
Aunt  Nancy !  We  feel  tempted  to  give  Uncle  Tommy's  "murakalus" 
escape  in  fire-hunting!  how  he  levelled  his  rifle  at  a  "beasts's 
eyes,"  and  found  in  time  it  was  light  streaming  through  a  negro 
hut,  where,  on  Christmas  eve,  the  merry  rascals  were  dancing 
away  to  a  cornstalk  fiddle  and  a  calabash  banjo.  But  we  must 
hasten  to  our 

Fifth  and  last  amusement  during  the  holidays.  Usually  on 
the  Sabbath  we  attended  our  own  meeting  in  the  Welden 
Settlement;  but  bad  roads  and  some  other  accidents  often 
kept  us  at  home;  when  our  three  families  assembled  at  Uncle 
John's,  where  he  read  the  Scriptures,  and  made  or  read  a  prayer 
with  occasional  help  from  Uncle  Tommy,  while  Glenville  and 
Carlton  conducted  the  choir  and  read  sermons  and  tracts. 

Sometimes,  however,  we  attended  meeting  at  Mr.  Sturgis', 
out  of  compliment  to  our  neighbour  and  Uncle  Tommy;  never, 
indeed,  for  fun,  although  we  usually  were  more  amused  than 
profited ;  and  always  came  back  more  and  more  convinced  that  a 
learned,  talented  and  pious  ministry  was,  after  all,  not  quite  so 
great  a  curse  as  many  deem  it.  But  of  this  the  reader  may,  after 
reading  the  ecclesiastical  parts  and  chapters  of  this  History, 
judge  for  himself.  And  here  we  beg  leave  to  affirm  that  our 


FIRST  YEAR  171 

accounts  of  certain  sacred  matters  is  reduced  and  very  much 
below  the  truth;  for  while  truthfulness  is  important  in  some 
writings,  if  on  these  matters  ours  were  truth-/w//,  we  should 
hardly  be  credited.  We  dare  not  do  our  pictures  up  to  life :  and 
hence,  while  they  are  by  no  means  truthless,  they  are  yet  less  than 
the  truth. 

Neighbour  Sturgis,  it  will  be  remembered,  lived  opposite  the 
tannery,  and  on  the  top  of  a  bluff  rising  from  our  creek.  Com- 
pared with  most  cabins  his  was  good  and  spacious ;.  and  to  ac- 
commodate some  pet  swine  and  a  flock  of  tame  geese,  openings 
under  his  house  were  left,  whither  the  favourites  could  retire  for 
sleep,  or  as  a  retreat  from  unusual  sun,  rain,  or  wind.  Here, 
whilst  swine  and  geese  were  content  with  their  several  limits, 
gruntings  and  cacklings  were  modest  and  expressive  of  enjoy- 
ment: although  joy  itself  would  often  squeal  and  scream  too 
boisterously  for  some  congregations.  But  if  wantonness  induced 
either  piggy  or  goosy  to  pass  the  border;  or  if  the  dogs  playfully 
ran  in  nosing  up  the  pigs,  slapping  a  tail  against  a  strutty  gander 
or  a  silly  goose,  then  would  the  commingled  din  of  bark,  howl, 
grunt,  squawk,  squeal  and  cackle,  furnish  a  better  answer  than 
the  jest  book  itself  to  the  question,  "What  makes  more  noise  than 
a  she-swine  caught  in  a  gate?" — Answer,  "Old  man  Sturgis'  pet- 
pen  in  a  riot." 

Now,  in  the  room  exactly  over  the  pet-pen,  "meetins  was  held !" 
The  seats  were  long  benches  with  very  ricketty  limbs,  expanded 
two  a  piece  at  each  end,  and  double  planks  resting  on  rude 
chunks — all  wishing  to  obey  at  once  the  great  law  of  gravity,  but 
prevented  by  their  own  inequalities,  and  those  of  the  floor.  Hence 
during  "sarvice,"  as  folks  were  constantly  shifting  centres  of 
motion  and  gravity,  no  despicable  noise  of  chunks  and  bench-legs 
was  maintained,  in  addition  to  all  other  noises  rational  and 
instinctive. 

The  pulpit  was  neither  marble  nor  mahogany,  being  a  tough 
chair  with  two  upright  back  pieces  like  plough  handles,  and  cross 
bars  to  suit :  and  its  seat  was  (or  were)  laced  hickory  withes,  and 
wonderfully  smooth  and  glistening  from  the  attrition  of  linsey 
garments,  tow  inexpressibles,  and  oily  buckskin  unmentionables. 
And  not  in,  but  behind  this  pulpit  stood  the  preacher,  placing  his 


172  FIRST  YEAR 

hymn  book  on  its  polished  seat,  and  holding  on  to  the  two  handles 
to  squeeze  by,  in  his  energy  or  embarrassments.  Hence  he  never 
thumped  his  pulpit  in  the  manner  of  the  Rev.  Doctor  Slapfist ;  but 
when  necessary  he  raised  the  pulpit  itself,  and  with  it  thumped  the 
floor — making  of  course  just  four  times  the  impression  with  its 
four  legs  that  the  Doctor  does  with  his  single  hand. 

The  Rev.  Diptin  Menniwaters  usually  preached  here;  but  on 
New-Year's  Sabbath  all  Glenville  went  by  invitation  to  hear  a 
new  preacher:  although  in  the  Purchase,  where  preachers  of  a 
sort  are  plenty  as  acorns  or  beach  nuts,  a  new  one  frequently  held 
forth,  and  held  on  too,  greatly  to  the  wonder  of  the  hearers,  and 
the  disturbance  of  the  pet-pen,  at  our  neighbour's  of  the  bluff. 
The  new  preacher  to-day,  doubtless  apprised  of  the  strangers' 
coming,  in  order  to  create  confidence,  and  ward  off  any  false 
shame  and  unworthy  fear  of  man,  struck  off,  after  prayer  and 
singing,  with  an  open  avowal  of  enmity  to  all  learning  and 
learned  preachers,  thus: — 

"Brethurn  and  sisturn,  it's  a  powerful  great  work,  this  here 
preaching  of  the  gospel,  as  the  great  apostul  hisself  allows  in  them 
words  of  hissin  what's  jist  come  into  my  mind;  for  I  never 
know'd  what  to  preach  about  till  I  riz  up— them  words  of  hissin, 
'who  is  sufficient  for  all  these  here  things,'  as  near  about  as  I 
recollect  them. 

"Thare's  some  folks — (glancing  towards  us) — howsomever, 
what  thinks  preachers  must  be  high  larn'd,  afore  they  kin  tell 
sinners  as  how  they  must  be  saved  or  be  'tarnally  lost;  but  it 
ain't  so  I  allow — (chair  thumped  here  and  answered  by  a  squawk 
below) — no,  no!  this  apostul  of  ourn  what  spoke  the  text,  never 
rubbed  his  back  agin  a  collige,  nor  toted  about  no  sheepskins — no, 
never! — (thump!  thump!  squawk  and  two  grunts.)  No,  no,  dear 
brethurn  and  sisturn — (squeak) — larnin's  not  sufficient  for  them 
things;  as  the  apostul  says,  'who  is  sufficient  for  them.'  Oh 
worldlins !  how  you'd  a  perished  in  your  sins  if  the  fust  preachers 
had  a  stay'd  till  they  got  sheepskins.  No !  no !  no !  I  say,  gim  me 
the  sperit.  (Squeals  and  extra  gruntings  in  the  swine's  territory, 
and  more  animated  squawks  and  cackles,  as  the  preacher  waxed 
warmer.)  No!  I  don't  pretend  to  no  larnin  whatsomever,  but  de- 
pends on  the  sperit  like  Poll;  (squee-e-el;)  and  what's  to  hinder 


FIRST  YEAR  173 

me  a  sayin,  oh!  undun  worldlins!  that  you  must  be  saved  or 
'tarnally  lost — yes,  lost  for  ever  an  dever! — (things  below  evi- 
dently getting  on  to  their  legs  and  flapping.)  No !  no !  no !  oh !  poor 
lost  worldlins,  I  can  say  as  well  as  the  best  on  them  sheepskins,  if 
you  don't  git  relijin  and  be  saved,  you'll  be  lost,  teetolly  and 
'tarnally  forever  an  deverah!  I  know's  I'm  nuthen  but  poor 
Philip,  and  that  I  only  has  to  go  by  the  sperit-ah !  but  as  long  as 
I  live,  I  kin  holler  out;  (voice  to  the  word) — and  cry  aloud  and 
spare  not,  (squ-aw-awk.)  O!  no,  brethurn  and  sisturn-ah!  and 
all  evin  high  larn'd  folks  that's  in  the  gaul,  and  maybe  won't  thank 
me  for  it  no  how-ah!  O!  ho!  o-ah!  I  poor  Philip-ah,  what's 
moved  to  cry  out  and  spare  not-ah! — (sque-e-el;)  what  was  takin 
from  tendin  critturs  like  David-ah,  and  ain't  no  prophet,  nor  no 
son  of  a  prophet-ah.  O !  ho-o-ah,  how  happy  I  am  to  raise  my 
poor  feeble-ah,  rying-ah,  voice-ah,  and  spendin  my  last  breath,  in 
this  here  blessed  work;  a  warnin,  and  crying  aloud;  o-oh!-o-ah! 
repent,  repent,  poor  worldlins  and  be  saved,  or  you'll  all  be  lost, 
and  perish  for-ever-an-dever-ah." 

Here  the  storm  above  was  getting  to  its  height,  although  poor 
Philip  kept  on  ten  minutes  more,  waxing  louder  and  hoarser,  with 
endless  repetitions  and  strong  aspirations  in  a  hundred  places 
occasioned  by  his  catching  breath,  and  which  we  have  several 
times  marked  with  an  -ah! 2 

He  also  began  spanking  one  thigh  with  a  hand,  and  ever  and 
anon  battering  the  floor  with  his  pulpit,  until  he  was  compelled 
at  last  to  place  one  hand  under  his  jaw,  and  partly  up  his  cheek 
to  support  his  "jawing  tackle."  And,  in  the  meanwhile,  the  fra- 
ternity below,  after  much  irregular  outcrying,  had  at  length  joined 
all  their  instruments  and  voices,  and  to  so  good  a  purpose  as  at 
times  nearly  to  overwhelm  the  preacher.  Two  dogs  also,  half 
wolf  and  half  cur,  now  presented  themselves  at  the  door,  and  with 
elevated  brows  and  cocked  ears,  stood  wistfully  looking  at  the 
parson,  to  know  what  he  wished  them  to  attack  or  hunt :  but  on 
finding  he  was  not  halloing  for  them,  and  being  now  too  excited 

2  The  more  frequent  this  syllable  or  such  aspiration  occurs  in  a  torrent 
of  boisterous  words,  the  more  is  the  preaching  supposed  to  be  from  the 
heart,  and,  therefore,  inspired:  for  nobody,  it  is  supposed,  would  make 
such  a  fool  of  himself  if  he  could  help  it. 


174  FIRST  YEAR 

to  be  still,  away  they  sprang  towards  the  forest  yelping  and 
howling  and  determined  to  hunt  for  themselves.  And  shortly 
after  the  first  hurricane  ending,  Poor  Philip  hitting  a  favorite 
vein,  went  on  with  a  train  of  reasoning  (designing  to  show  that 
native  wit  was  as  good  as  college  logic)  about  cause  and  effect: 
but  while  he  was  again  cheered  from  below  in  the  manner  of  an 
English  audience  clapping  an  abolitionist,  we  shall  not,  by  re- 
cording the  applause,  interrupt  the  narrative. 

"No — no:  nobody  can  make  nuthin.  Thare's  only  one  what 
makes,  and  he  made  these  here  woods ;  he  made  these  here  trees ; 
and  them  bushes ;  he  made  wonders  sun — and  yonders  moon — and 
all  them  'are  stars  what  shines  at  night  in  the  firmanint  above 
our  heads  like  fires ; — and — and — he — made — yes — he  made  them 
powerful  big  rivers  a  runnin  down  thare  to  Orleans — and  the 
sea,  and  all  the  fishes,  and  the  one  what  a  sorter  swallowed  the 
prophit  what  was  chuck'd  out  and  swallered — and — and — yes — 
and  all  them  'are  deer,  and  them  'are  barr,  and  them  hossis  what's 
tied  out  thare.  (Had  Dick  been  there  he  would  now  unquestion- 
ably have  slipped  his  bridle.)  And  so  you  understand,  worldlins, 
how  no  man  could  a  ever  made  anything.  And  haven't  we  proof 
from  nater  that  they  are  made,  and  didn't  come  as  high  larn'd 
folks'  sez,  and  grow  of  theirselves  out  of  forty  atims  by  chance. 

"No — no,  worldlins,  you  couldn't,  the  most  high  larn'd  ither, 
couldn't  make  any  of  them  thare  things — you  couldn't  make  woods 
— you  couldn't  make  trees — you  couldn't  make  fishes — no,  you 
couldn't  make  airth — you  couldn't  make  air — you  couldn't  make 
fire — you  couldn't  make — hem! — no  you  couldn't — make  water." 
(Sorry  are  we  to  record,  but  Mr.  Carlton  here  was  guilty  of 
sniggering;  and  even  Uncle  John,  in  spite  of  his  official  dignity, 
did  look  as  if  he  would  laugh  when  meeting  was  out.  Poor 
Philip,  however,  quickly  emerged  and  went  on.)  "No — not  one 
of  you  could  make  a  spring  branch  nor  the  like." 

Ah !  poor  Philip  had  you  only  had  a  little  of  the  learning  you 
despised !  Had  you,  at  least,  only  seen  Miss  Carbon's  Chemistry 
for  Boarding  Schools  of  Young  Ladies!  But  did  not  Philip 
make  us  sweat  for  our  sins,  for  he  went  on: 

"Yes!  yes!  some  folks  laff  in  meetin,  but  wait  till  they  gits  to 
h — 1,  and  maybe  they'll  laff  tother  side  of  their  mouth.  The  fire 


FIRST  YEAR  175 

down  thare's  hot,  I  allow,  and  will  scorch  off  folk's  ruffles  and 
melt  their  goold  buttins,  and  the  devel  and  his  angils  pelt  them 
with  red  hot  balls  of  brimrock  and  fire !" 

But  the  two  dogs  had  just  now  returned  from  an  unsuccessful 
hunt,  and  forthwith  they  plunged  headlong  into  the  pit  below; 
and  then,  the  barking  and  yelping  of  the  dogs;  the  scampering 
and  squealing  of  the  pigs ;  the  flapping  of  screaming  geese's  wings, 
and  the  squawking  of  insulted  ganders,  together  with  the  hoarse 
and  continued  roaring  of  the  preacher,  produced  a  tempest  rarely 
equalled  in  the  best  organized  fanatical  assemblies  here,  and 
never  surely  excelled.  And  the  instant  meeting  was  over,  we 
of  Glenville  hurried  away  glad  to  escape  from  the  noise  of  bedlam 
and  the  almost  papistical  curses  of  poor  Philip. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 
SECOND  YEAR. 

"Go  to  them,  with  this  bonnet  in  thy  hand — 

Or,  say  to  them 

Thou  art  their  soldier,  and  being  bred  in  broils, 
Hast  not  the  soft  way,  which  thou  dost  confess 
Were  fit  for  thee  to  use,  as  they  to  claim, 
In  asking  their  good  loves ;  but  thou  wilt  frame 
Thyself,  forsooth,  hereafter  theirs,  so  far 
As  thou  hast  power,  and  person." 

OUR  second  summer  opened  with  the  electioneering  campaign 
of  Mr.  Glenville,  the  people's  candidate  for  a  seat  in  the  next 
legislature.1  His  opponent,  in  all  intellectual  respects,  was  un- 
qualified for  the  seat,  being  destitute  of  important  knowledges, 
void  of  tact  and  skill,  and  having  indeed — for  he  had  been  our 
representative  before — only  exposed  himself  and  us  to  perpetual 
ridicule.  He  could  read  and  write,  and  perhaps  cipher  a  little, 
and  therefore,  was  all  along  considered  a  smart  fellow,  till  it  was 
discovered  we  had  one  in  the  district,  "a  powerful  heap  smarter" 

1  John  M.  Young  was  elected  to  the  legislature  from  the  counties  of 
Owen  and  Green  in  August  1828.  I  find  no  record  of  his  having  been  a 
member  of  an>  earlier  legislature.  This  could  not  have  been  Hall's 
"second  summer"  in  Indiana;  it  was  more  nearly  his  fifth  or  sixth. 


i;6  SECOND  YEAR 

— John  Glenville,  Esq.,  of  Glenville.  For  John  read  without 
spelling  the  hard  words,  wrote  like  engraving,  and  could  "kalkilate 
in  his  head  faster  nor  Jerry  Simpson  with  chalk  or  coal,  although 
Jerry  had  been  a  schoolmaster."  And  our  neighbor  Ash  ford 
offered  to  stake  five  barrels  of  corn,  that — "Johnny  was  jist  the 
powerfullest  smartest  feller  in  the  hole  universal  county,  and 
could  out  sifer  Jerry  or  other  men  all  to  smash." 

Glenville's  ability,  however,  would  have  prejudiced  our  cause, 
had  any  doubt  existed  as  to  his  moral  integrity;  for,  a  bad  man 
out  there  was  very  properly  dreaded  in  proportion  to  his  clever- 
ness,2 and  therefore,  power  to  harm.  Indeed,  we  always  pre- 
ferred an  ignorant  bad  man  to  a  talented  one ;  and  hence  attempts 
were  usually  made  to  ruin  the  moral  character  of  a  smart  can- 
didate ;  since  unhappily  smartness  and  wickedness  were  supposed 
to  be  generally  coupled,  and  incompetence  and  goodness. 

Our  opponents,  therefore,  neither  insisted  that  Jerry  was 
smarter  than  John,  nor  attacked  John's  character:  but  they  con- 
tended that  "Jerry  could  do  no  harm  if  he  did  no  good,  but  that 
John  could  if  he  would,  and  would  if  he  took  a  bad  turn;  also, 
that  Jerry  had  been  tried  once  and  did  no  harm,  but  that  John 
had  never  been  tried  and  so  no  one  could  exactly  tell  what  he 
would  be  till  he  was  tried." 

To  this  was  answered,  that  "Jerry  could  do  no  good  if  he 
would,  and  had  often  voted  so  as  to  keep  others  from  doing  us 
any  good,  and  so  had  prevented  good  if  he  had  done  no  evil ;  that 
John  if  able  to  do  harm,  was  also  able  to  do  good  and  so  he  had 
never  done  harm  in  private  life,  it  was  reasonable  to  believe  he 
would  do  none  in  public  life;  and  that  as  Jerry  had  a  trial  and 
did  no  good,  so  John  ought  to  have  one  too,  and  if  he  did  harm, 
we  could  send  Jerry  the  year  after." 

John  was  then  attacked  on  the  score  of  pride  and  aristocracy; 
and,  as  usual,  all  the  sins  of  his  family  were  laid  at  Glenville's 
door,  especially  his  sisters'  ruffles — our  metal  buttons — the  carpet 
wall;  and  above  all,  Carlton's  irreverent  sniggering  in  meeting. 
But  then,  most  who  had  met  us  at  Susan  Ashford's  wedding  said 
"we  warnt  so  stuck  up  as  folks  said;  and  that  mammy  Ashford 
herself  thought  it  was  not  a  bit  proud  to  have  a  carpet  wall,  or 

2  In  the  English  sense. 


SECOND  YEAR  .177 

the  like,  and  that  Mr.  Carltin  was  a  right  down  clever  feller, 
powerful  funny,  and  naterally  addicted  to  laffin."  And  to  crown 
all,  Mr.  Ashford  himself,  and  belonging  to  poor  Philip's  sect, 
publicly  avowed  that  "he  hisself  had  actially  laff'd  in  meetin — 
for  the  water  came  so  sudden  like — only  he  kept  his  face  kivered 
with  his  hat,  and  nobody  hadn't  seen  him." 

The  enemy  then  affirmed  that  Glenville  himself  had  laughed: 
but  he  procured  certificates  from  every  body  at  church  to  this 
point  that  "nobody  had  seen  or  heard  John  Glenville  laughing; 
and  these  were  read  wherever  Jerry's  party  had  made  the  charge.3 
For  any  silly  charge,  if  uncontradicted  out  there,  and  maybe  in 
here — defeats  an  election ;  either  because  the  charge  is  deemed  an 
offset  against  the  candidate,  or  people  like  to  see  their  candidate 
in  earnest,  and  his  rebutting  allegations  looks  like  zeal  for  their 
interest,  and  shows  a  due  sense  in  his  mind  of  popular  favour. 
Beside,  if  any  one  neglects  a  trifling  charge,  his  enemies  will  soon 
bring  larger  and  more  plausible  ones — whereas  his  alertness 
scares  them. 

At  last  it  was  boldly  alleged  that  "John  would  have  laughed 
if  he  had  not  expected  to  be  a  candidate!"  But  to  this  it  was 
triumphantly  replied  that  "Jerry  would  have  laughed  if  he  had 
been  at  meetin" — for  Squire  Chippy  and  Col.  Skelpum  gave  two 
separate  certificates,  that  "Jerry  Simpson  had  laughed  when  he 
heard  tell  of  it ! !"  Hence  poor  Philip's  sermon  was  celebrated 
over  all  our  district ;  and  everywhere  was  spoken  and  even  spouted 
the  sentence  "no  one  couldn't  make  airth,"  and  so  through  all 
the  four  old-fashioned  chemical  elements :  till  all  men  were  asham- 
ed to  bring  even  against  "poor  Carltin"  a  charge,  to  which  all 
plainly  showed,  if  they  had  been  at  meeting,  they  would  have 
been  equally  liable  themselves.  And  so  our  party  triumphed  over 
what  once  seriously  threatened  to  defeat  us. 

The  price  of  liberty,  eternal  vigilance,  is  well  paid  in  a  New 
Purchase.  With  us  it  was  watched  by  all  classes,  and  through- 
out the  year:  it  was  indeed  the  universal  business.  Our  offices 
all,  from  Governor  down  to  a  deputy  constable's  deputy  and 

3  However,  since  it  can  do  no  harm  now,  Glenville  did  laugh ;  but 
nobody  either  saw  or  heard  him  but  myself — and  of  course  I  did  not 
sign  any  certificate. 


178  SECOND  YEAR 

fence-viewer's  clerk's  first  assistant,  were  in  the  direct  gift  of 
the  people.  We  even  elected  magistrates,  clerks  of  court,  and 
the  judges  presiding  and  associate!  And  some  who  knew  better, 
yet  for  rabblerousing  purposes,  gravely  contended  that  trustees 
of  colleges,  and  all  presidents,  professors,  and  teachers  should 
be  elected  directly  by  the  people!4 

Our  social  state,  therefore,  was  for  ever  in  ferment;  for  ever 
was  some  election,  doing,  being  done,  done  or  going  to  be  done; 
and  each  was  bitterly  contested  as  that  of  president  or  governor. 
In  all  directions  candidates  were  perpetually  scouring  the  country 
with  hats,  saddle-bags,  and  pockets  crammed  with  certificates,  de- 
fending and  accusing,  defaming  and  clearing  up,  making  licentious 
speeches,  treating  to  corn  whiskey,  violating  the  Sabbath,  and 
cursing  the  existing  administration  or  the  administration's  wife 
and  wife's  father !  And  every  body  expected  at  some  time  to  be  a 
candidate  for  something ;  or  that  his  uncle  would  be ;  or  his  cousin, 
or  his  cousin's  wife's  cousin's  'friend  would  be ;  so  that  every  body, 
and  every  body's  relations,  and  every  body's  relations'  friends,  were 
for  ever  electioneering,  till  the  state  of  nasty,  pitiful  intrigues  and 
licentious  slanders  and  fierce  hostility,  was  like  a  rotten  carcass 
where  maggots  are,  each  for  himself  and  against  his  neighbour, 
wriggling  and  worming  about! 

Men  were  turned  into  mutual  spies,  and  watched  and  treasured 
and  reported  and  commented  upon,  looks,  words  and  actions, 
even  the  most  trifling  and  innocent !  And  we  were  divided,  house 
against  house!  and  man  against  man;  and  settlements,  politically 
considered,  were  clannish  and  filled  with  animosity.  The  sov- 
ereign people  was,  indeed,  feared  by  the  candidate  who  truckled 
to-day,  and  most  heartily  despised  when  he  ruled  to-morrow. 

The  very  boys  verging  on  manhood  were  aware  of  their  future 
political  importance ;  and  even  several  years  before  voting,  they  were 
feared,  petted,  courted  and  cajoled,  becoming  of  course  conceited, 
unmannerly  and  disrespectful.  Their  morals  were  consequently 
often  sadly  hurt;  and  boys  then  voted  frauduently.  Standing 
either  over  the  No.  21  pasted  in  the  shoe,  or  between  No.  21  in 

4  This  would  seem  to  indicate  an  excess  of  a  certain  kind  of  democracy 
in  the  West  an-d  the  need  of  the  "short  ballot."  Hall  was  evidently  of  the 
opinion  that  elective  offices  were  altogether  too  numerous. 


SECOND  YEAR  179 

the  hat,  and  No.  22  in  the  shoe,  they  would  sometimes  deliberately 
swear,  when  challenged  as  to  age,  that  they  were  over  21,  or 
between  21  and  22!!  Such  depraved  lads,  destitute  of  reverence, 
will  talk  loud  and  long,  and  confidently,  in  any  company,  con- 
tradicting and  even  rebuking  their  betters — and  all  the  time  a 
rabblerouser 5  affects  to  listen  and  admire  such  firmness  and 
independence  of  spirit!!  Get  out!  you  scornful  puppy!  and  do 
not  prate  to  me  about  religious  cant;  can  any  thing  come  up  to 
the  cant  and  whine  of  a  selfish,  godless  rabblerouser?  And  dare 
such  a  one  say  that  evangelical  missionaries  are  not  safer  guides, 
and  better  friends  to  the  people  than — He !  Out  with  you,  atheist. 

We  had  of  course  in  the  Purchase  a  passion  for  stump-speech- 
ing.  But  recollect,  we  often  mount  the  stump  only  figuratively: 
and  very  good  stump-speeches  are  delivered  from  a  table,  a  chair, 
a  whiskey  barrel,  and  the  like.  Sometimes  we  make  our  best 
stump  speeches  on  horse-back.  In  this  case,  when  the  horse  is 
excited  by  our  eloquence,  or  more  commonly  by  the  mischievous 
boys,  more  action  goes  with  the  speech  than  even  Demosthenes  in- 
culcated— often  it  became  altogether  circumambulatory. 

Once  a  candidate  stood  near  the  tail  of  Isam  Greenbriar's  ox 
cart  at  Woodville,  when  some  of  his  opponents, — (perhaps  some 
of  his  own  friends,  for  the  joke  was  tempting) — noiselessly 
drew  out  the  forward  pins,  when  at  the  most  unexpected  instant, 
aye,  in  the  very  climax  of  his  most  ferocious  effervescence,  Mr. 
Rhodomontade  was  canted  into  the  dirt! 

Again,  our  candidate  for  fence-viewer,  with  some  half  dozen 
friends,  was  once  hard  at  work  with  certificates  and  speeches  in 
Sam  Dreadnought's  wagon;  when  Sam,  having  several  miles  to 
drive  before  dark,  and  having  already  waited  two  good  hours  for 
matters  to  end,  suddenly  leaped  on  his  saddle  horse,  and  then,  at 
a  word  and  a  crack,  away  dashed  the  team  loaded  with  politits, 
very  much  to  the  amusement  of  the  people,  but  much  to  the 
discomfiture  of  our  candidate. 

Nothing  surpasses  the  munificent  promises  and  at  the  same 
time  the  external  and  grovelling  humility  of  a  genuine  rabble- 
rouser,  just  before  an  election.  He  shakes  hands  with  every 
body,  friend  and  foe;  he  has  agents  to  treat  at  his  expense  at 

B  New  Purchase  name  for  a  demagogue. 


i So  SECOND  YEAR 

every  doggery ; 6  and  in  his  own  person  he  deals  out  whiskey  and 
gingerbread,  as  we  have  seen,  to  a  long  line  of  independent  voters 
marching  past  him  with  drum  and  fife  to  the  polls ;  and  he  drinks 
out  of  any  drunken  vagabond's  bottle,  laughing  at  his  beastly 
jokes,  putting  his  arm  around  his  filthy  neck,  and  allows  himself 
thus  to  be  slobbered  upon,  while  patting  the  brute  on  the  back 
and  being  patted  in  turn ! 

Yet  have  we  noble  gentlemen  who,  when  candidates,  are  cour- 
teous indeed,  but  who  will  not  do  base  things,  nor  make  absurd 
and  wicked  promises,  and  who  when  defeated  back  out  with 
manly  scorn  of  licentious  opponents.  One  such  high  minded 
individual  in  order  to  show  the  folly  of  great  promises,  came 
out  the  year  after  a  defeat,  saying  he  had  altered  his  purposes, 
and  now  was  a  candidate  again,  and  would  if  elected  exert  his 
utmost  efforts  to  force  the  legislature  "to  abolish  the  fever  and 
ague,  and  to  pass  a  bill  to  find  a  gold  mine  on  every  poor  man's 
quarter  section."  I  forget  whether  he  was  now  elected ;  but  he 
deserved  to  be. 

Glenville,  though  full  of  tact,  was  independent;  although  we 
did  give  credit  for  kip  and  neats-leather,  even  where  it  was  doubt- 
ful whether  our  political  friends  would  pay,  and  bought  raw 
hides  at  higher  prices  than  we  paid  at  Spiceburg  and  Woodville. 
And  Glenville  did  submit  to,  or  rather  he  could  not  prevent  a 
party  with  him  in  a  canoe  from  upsetting  the  boat  in  the  middle 
of  Shining  River;  and  who  thus  gave  the  candidate  what  they 
called  a — "political  baptising:"  but  whilst  this  was  no  dry  joke, 
our  friend  still,  on  swimming  to  land  with  the  others,  joined  in 
the  laugh.  This  too  was  a  fair  type  of  his  immersion  into  the 
troubled  waters  of  political  life;  and  the  way  he  endured  the 
ducking  so  established  his  reputation  above  Jerry's,  that  at  the 
ensuing  election  a  few  weeks  after,  Mr.  G.  was  successful  by  a 
clean  majority  of  171  votes! 

Politicians,  even  in  here,  I  am  informed,  are  also  very 
frequently  immersed  and  into  puddles;  from  which  they  rarely 
ever  do  flounder  out,  and  when  they  do,  it  is  said,  they  look  nasty 
and  soiled,  and  have  dirty  ways,  all  the  rest  of  their  lives!  But 
maybe  the  less  said  on  this  point  the  sooner  mended;  and  there- 

8  New   Purchase  term   for  a  grog  shop  or  low  tavern. 


SECOND  YEAR  181 

fore,  as  Mr.  Glenville  is  now  the  people's  man,  the  world  expects 
his  history,  and  we  proceed  to  treat  of  the  same  in  three  chapters. 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

"I'll  read  you  matter  deep  and  dangerous, — 
"As  full  of  peril,  and  advent'rous  spirit, 
As  to  o'erwalk  a  current,  roaring  loud, 
On  the  unsteadfast  footing  of  a  spear." 

Mr.  Glenville  was  about  my  age,  or  rather  I  was  about  his 
age ;  or  to  be  as  definite  as  a  down  east  school  book,  we  were  both 
about  the  same  age,  and  were  born  in  A.D.  179 — j1 — and  hence 
have  already  lived  part  of  two  centuries,  being  as  old  as  the  cur- 
rent added  to  the  fraction  of  the  other. 

He  was  born,  and  educated  for  some  years,  in  Philadelphia. 
His  principal  teacher  was  Mr.  Moulder,  who  superintended  an 
old-fashioned  orthodox  quaker  school;  in  which  morals  were  far 
better  and  more  successfully  cultivated  than  in  modern  quackery 
schools,  where  morals  is  made  a  separate  matter.  And  in  this 
primitive  school  John  imbibed  much  of  the  Yea  and  Nay  in  his 
character,  or  his  right-up-and-downedness ;  a  compound  conduc- 
ing greatly  to  his  safety  and  happiness  in  the  strifes,  dangers  and 
perplexities  of  the  wilderness.  He  had  been  destined  to  the 
counting  house,  but  the  removal  of  his  friends  to  the  west, 
changed  his  destiny ;  and  hence,  being  a  good  elementary  mathe- 
matician and  well  acquainted  with  theoretical  surveying,  he  was 
invited  by  Gen.  Duff  Green,  then  of  Kentucky,  to  accompany  a 
party  to  the  Upper  Missouri  as  assistant  surveyor;  which  in- 
vitation was  accepted. 

This  suited  our  hero's  love  of  adventure  and  gave  an  opportu- 
nity of  seeing — the  world.  Not  the  world  as  seen  by  a  trip  to 
Paris  or  London,  but  the  world  natural  and  proper;  the  world 
in  its  native  convexity,  its  own  ravines  and  mountains,  its  virgin 
soil,  its  primitive  wilds,  its  unworn  prairies !  to  float  in  birch-bark 
canoes  on  the  swelling  bosom  of  free  waters ! — waters  never  de- 

1 1793.    See  Introduction. 


1 82  SECOND  YEAR 

graded  with  bearing  loads  of  merchandise,  or  prostituted  in  a 
part  diverted  to  turn  mills,  or  fill  canals,  or  in  any  way  to  be  a 
slave,  and  then  to  be  let  go  discoloured  with  coal,  or  saw  dust,  or 
flour,  or  dyestuffs,  marks  of  bondage — that  they  may  hurry  away, 
sullen  and  indignant  to  hide  their  dishonoured  waves  in  the  ocean ! 

He  went  to  see  the  world  as  the  Omnipotent  made  it  and  the 
deluge  left  it!  He  went  to  hear  the  thunder-tramp  of  the  wild 
congregations — the  horse  and  the  buffalo, — shaking  the  prairie- 
plains  that  heaved  up  proud  to  bear  on  their  free  heart  the  un- 
tamed, free,  bounding,  glorious  herds!  He  went  to  look  at  the 
sun  rising  and  setting  on  opposite  sides  of  one  and  the  same  field ; 
and  where  the  rain-bow  spans  half  a  continent  and  curves  round 
the  terrestrial  semicircle!  He  went  to  see  the  smoke  of  a  wig- 
wam where  death  flies  on  the  wing  of  a  stone-headed  arrow,  and 
the  Indian  is  in  the  drapery  of  untouched  forests  and  midst  the 
fragrance  of  the  ungardened,  many  coloured,  ever-varied  flowers ! 

What  change  from  the  smokes  and  smells  of  a  city! — the  out- 
cry, war,  confusion  of  anxious,  crowded,  jostled,  envious, 
jealous,  rivalous  population! — its  contrasts  of  moneyed  conse- 
quence and  poverty  smitten  dependence! — its  rolling  vehicles  of 
travelling  ennui  and  hobbling  crutch  of  rheumatic  beggary! — 
and  its  saloons  of  boisterous  mirth  adjoining  the  sad  enclosure  of 
silent  tombstones!  Oh!  the  change  from  dark,  damp,  stifling 
pent  holes  of  alleys  and  courts,  where  filth  exhales  its  stench 
without  the  sun ! — to  walk  abroad,  run,  leap,  ride,  hunt  and  shout, 
amid  the  unwrought,  unsubdued,  boundless  world  of  primitive 
forest,  flood,  and  prairie ! 

After  a  few  weeks,  Glenville  was  detached  from  the  General's 
party,  and  sent  with  the  principal  surveyor  and  one  hunter  to 
complete  a  survey,  with  directions  to  rejoin  the  main  body  some 
two  hundred  miles  down  the  Missouri,  after  the  accomplishment 
of  the  work.  The  trio,  therefore  proceeded  to  the  scene  of  their 
labour,  which  was  more  than  fifty  miles  beyond  the  white  settle- 
ments, and  boarding  on  the  hunting  grounds  of  the  Indians. 

One  morning,  when  preparing  breakfast  on  the  bank  of  a  river 
tributary  to  the  Missouri,  a  large  party  of  Indians  appeared  on 
the  opposite  bank,  who,  on  espying  our  surveyors,  came  over  to 
visit  their  camp,  warriors  and  warriors'  squaws,  all  wading  with 


SECOND  YEAR  183 

red  and  bare  legs ;  and  then,  pleased  with  their  reception  and  some 
small  presents,  they  insisted  that  our  friends  should  now  go  and 
take  breakfast  on  the  other  side ;  a  request  that  could  not  be  de- 
clined without  engendering  distrust.  Accordingly,  our  trio 
mounted  their  horses  and  followed  their  wading  friends  across 
the  river. 

Happy  that  the  appetite  is  often  strong!  and  yet  strong  as  it 
was,  it  was  almost  too  weak  for  the  occasion.  The  breakfast  be- 
gan with  a  drink  of  whiskey  and  complimentary  smoking,  after 
which  came  the  principal  viand,  to  wit :  a  soup,  or  hash,  or  swill, 
made  of  river  water  and  deer-meat  and  deer-entrails  all  poured 
from  a  large  iron  kettle  and  smoking  hot  into — "an  earthern 
dish?"  No.  "A  calabash?"  No:  but  into  a  sugar  trough — a 
wooden  trough ! !  and  about  as  large  as  piggy  uses  in  his  early 
days,  when  fattening  for  a  roast.  Had  the  thing  been  as  clean, 
our  surveyors  would  never  have  flinched;  but  the  trough  was 
coated  with  oleaginous  matter  both  within  and  without;  and  a 
portion  of  the  interior  coat,  now  melted  by  the  absorption  of 
free  caloric,  was  contributing  a  yellow  oily  richness  and  flavour 
to  the  savoury  mess !  And  on  the  crust  more  remote  from  the 
heat  frolicked  larvae2  with  nice  white  bodies  and  uncouth  dark 
heads,  careless  of  comrades  floating  lifeless  in  the  boiling  gulf  be- 
low! Had  Uncle  Tommy  been  now  narrating,  he  would  have 
improved  the  occasion  to  animadvert  on  the  beastliness  of  a 
drunken  riot,  where  some  are  torpid  under  the  table,  and  others 
flourishing  glasses  above  it ;  nay,  he  would  have  gone  on  to  insist 
that  grubs  and  such  like  are  to  be  found  even  in  the  most  fash- 
ionable places :  but  we  content  ourselves  with  furnishing  the  text. 

From  this  aboriginal  mess  both  red  and  white  men  fished  up 
pieces  of  vension,  with  sharp  sticks,  and  with  tin  cups  and  greasy 
gourds  they  ladled  out  broth  till  all  was  exhausted,  except  some 
lifeless  things  in  a  little  puddle  of  liquid  matter  at  the  bottom 
and  a  portion  of  entrail  lodged  on  the  side  of  the  trough.  Our 
folks,  who  had,  indeed,  seen  "a  thing  or  two"  in  cabin  cookery, 
were  nearly  sickened  now;  for  spite  of  clenching  the  teeth  in 
sucking  broth,  they  were  confident  more  than  once,  that  articles 
designed  to  be  excluded,  had  wormed  through  the  enclosure.  It 

2  Little   elfs   or   hob-goblins. 


184  SECOND  YEAR 

required  a  pint  of  whiskey  extra  during  the  day,  quids  innumer- 
able, and  countless  cigars  to  do  away  with  the  odor  and  the  taste : 
and  Glenville  used  to  say  the  memory  of  that  Indian  breakfast 
would  serve  him  for  ever!  And  yet  why  not  apply  de  gustibus 
non,  to  this  breakfast  ?  The  classic  Romans  delighted  in  snails ; 
the  sacred  Jews  in  grasshoppers.  The  Celestials  eat  rats  and 
dogs,  and  the  elastic  Parisians  devour  frogs,  and  sometimes  cats. 
And  may  not  American  Indians  eat,  without  disparagement,  en- 
trails, brown  and  yellow  grease,  and  fly-blows!  Depend  on  it, 
reader,  this  eating,  is,  after  all,  a  mere  matter  of  taste. 

Not  many  days  after  this  breakfast,  our  people  met  in  a  prairie 
a  party  of  Osages,  and  mostly  mounted  on  small,  but  very  active 
horses.  The  chief  ordered  his  troop  to  halt,  and  all  dismounting, 
he  made  signs  for  the  whites  to  advance;  upon  which  he  stepped 
up  to  Glenville — the  Mercury  of  the  three,  and  began  an  unintel- 
ligible gabble  of  English  and  Osage.  At  length  he  felt  about 
Glenville's  person,  with  his  hands,  and  even  into  his  bosom  and 
pockets,  till  our  friends  became  a  little  alarmed:  when  Glenville, 
remembering  what  he  had  heard,  that  nothing  so  quickly  disarms 
and  even  makes  a  friend  of  a  hostile  Indian,  as  the  show  of  cour- 
age, began  to  look  angry,  uttered  words  of  indignation  and  even 
jerked  away  the  chief's  hand.  Upon  this  the  warrior  stepping 
back,  laughed  long  and  loud,  and  with  manifest  contempt  looked 
at  the  dwarf  dimensions  of  the  white  but  with  approbation  at 
his  spunk;  both  natural  feelings,  when  he  beheld  a  little  white 
man,  five  feet  seven,  and  weighing  nearly  120  Ibs.  avoirdupois 
boldly  resisting  and  repelling  a  big  red  one,  more  than  six  feet 
three,  and  weighing  about  235  Ibs !  In  a  few  moments,  however, 
the  Indian  again  advanced,  but  with  the  greatest  good-nature; 
and  while  he  now  patted  Glenville  with  one  hand  on  the  back, 
with  the  other  he  felt  in  our  hero's  side  pocket,  whence  he  soon 
abstracted  a  small  knife  and  immediately  transferred  the  same  to 
his  own  pouch.  After  that,  going  to  his  pony,  he  returned  with 
a  magnificent  buffalo  robe  wrought  with  rude  outlines  of  beasts 
and  Indians;  which,  throwing  down  before  Glenville  as  a  fair 
exchange  of  presents,  he  once  more  went  to  his  horse,  and  then 
leaping  on  the  animal's  back,  the  chieftain  gave  the  sign,  and 
away  the  free  spirits  of  the  brave  were  again  galloping  towards 
the  hazy  line  of  the  horizon ! 


SECOND  YEAR  185 

The  robe,  during  my  sojourn  in  Glenville,  was  in  the  winter 
the  outer  cover  of  our  bed.  And  to  that  was  owing,  one  of  my 
curious  dreams: — a  vast  buffalo  bull  stripped  of  his  skin  and 
charging  with  his  horns  upon  a  gigantic  Indian  in  an  open 
prairie,  while  the  Indian  kept  the  bull  at  bay  with  a  sugar  trough 
in  one  hand,  and  a  great  dirk  knife  in  the  other.  Indeed,  if,  when 
in  a  young  gentleman's  debating  society  at  the  discussion  of  the 
original  and  novel  question,  whether  the  savage  life  be  prefer- 
able to  the  civilized,  if  then,  I  am  irresistibly  impelled  to  vote  in 
the  affirmative,  it  is  owing  to  my  constitutional  tendencies,  hav- 
ing been  strengthened  by  sleeping  two  entire  winters  under  the 
buffalo  robe.  Only  think!  reader, — to  sleep  two  winters,  in  a 
log  cabin,  in  a  bran  New  Purchase,  near  a  chieftain  and  a  war- 
rior's grave  enclosed  with  logs  and  marked  by  a  stake  painted 
red;  and  under  the  hairy  hide  of  an  enormous  prairie  bull! — a 
bull  killed  by  a  gigantic  Osage  chief  — a  hide  dressed  by  his  squaw, 
the  queen,  of  his  papooses,  the  princesses !  a  robe  bestowed  as  a 
king's  reward  for  my  brother-in-law's  courage!!  Take  care.  I 
feel  the  effect  even  now — hurra — waw-aw  for  the  savage  life. 
It  is  carried  in  the  affirmative  by  acclamation — let  me  go.  I  must 
go,  and  at  least  draw  a  bead  on  something  with  my  rifle!  flash! 
bang! 

The  surveyor's  party,  having  in  a  few  weeks  finished  their  work, 
commenced  descending  the  Missouri  in  a  canoe,  intending  to 
reach  the  place  where  they  had  left  their  horses ;  after  which 
they  would  proceed  by  land  to  the  rendezvous. 

One  night  as  they  were  borne  down  rapidly  by  a  very  strong 
current,  after  having  by  the  dim  starlight  barely  escaped  many 
real  snags,  planters,  drifts  and  the  like,  and  after  having  imagined 
a  hundred  others,  they  were  at  length  driving  towards  a  dark 
mass ;  whether  real  or  not  could  at  first  be  only  conjectured. 
Alas!  it  was  no  fancy;  but  before  the  direction  of  the  canoe 
could  be  altered,  it  was  driven  violently  against  a  drift-island, 
and  upsetting,  was  carried  directly  under  it,  and  so  effectually 
hid  or  destroyed  as  never  to  be  seen  again.  One  man  at  the  in- 
stant of  collision,  leaped  upon  the  island :  the  others  were  thrown 
into  the  water;  but  they  succeeded,  although  torn  and  bruised 
in  the  attempt,  and  with  much  difficulty,  in  gaining  the  floating 
mass  and  getting  on  it.  All  their  property,  provisions,  clothes, 


186  SECOND  YEAR 

surveying  instruments,  guns,  &c.  were  lost,  except  the  rifle  which 
the  hunter  always  kept  in  his  hand,  the  clothes  on  their  persons, 
and  the  notes  and  records  of  the  surveys  which  Mr.  Glenville 
had  accidentally  put  early  that  evening  into  his  hat  and  pockets ! 

This,  reader,  was  what  is  termed  out  there — "a  nasty  fix ;"  and 
yet  our  friends  were  still  moving,  not  indeed  very  fast,  for  extem- 
poraneous islands  move  at  all  times  sullenly,  and  often  come  to 
an  anchor  suddenly,  and  there  remain  for  a  week,  a  year,  and 
sometimes  they  never  float  again.  Still,  it  deserves  to  be  called 
— a  fix;  for  first  they  were  fixed  absolutely  on  the  drift,  and 
relatively  as  to  the  banks;  again,  it  was  now  late  in  the  fall,  and 
a  very  cold  night  was  fixing  their  clothes  into  ice  or  ice  upon 
them ;  and  lastly,  they  were  fixed  by  their  sudden  unfix  from  the 
canoe,  and  by  being  hungry,  wet,  and  cold,  and  yet  destitute  of 
all  affixes,  suffixes  and  "fixins."  And  so  this  curious  fixation  of 
our  heroes  may  aid  Webster  in  his  subsequent  attempts  to  fix 
the  American-English  by  unfixing  the  English-English. 

The  comrades  now  made  a  survey  of  their  territory,  and  found 
they  owned  an  island  of  logs,  tree-tops  and  brush,  matted  and 
laced  every  way,  with  an  alluvion  of  earth,  sand,  and  weeds ;  the 
whole  running,  at  present,  due  north  and  south,  one  hundred 
yards,  with  easting  and  westing  of  nearly  fifty  yards.  No  sign 
of  human  habitation  was  visible  nor  trace  of  living  animal;  and 
it  soon  became  morally  certain  the  island  was  desert:  and  hence 
our  friends  began  to  devise  means  of  abandoning  the  involuntary 
ownership.  But  the  sole  means  appeared  to  be  by  swimming :  and 
in  that  was  great  hazard,  yet  it  must  be  done,  unless  they  should 
wait  for  accidental  deliverance;  or  till  the  party  below  disap- 
pointed at  their  non-arrival,  should  ascend  the  river  to  search 
for  them.  After  a  gloomy  council  it  was  unanimously  decided 
to  swim  away  from  their  island. 

The  hunter  immediately  and  voluntarily  offered  to  adventure 
the  first,  promising,  on  reaching  the  shore,  to  stand  at  the  best 
landing  point,  and  there  shout  at  intervals  as  a  guide  to  the  others. 
Contrary  to  all  entreaties  and  dehortations,  he  was  resolved  to 
swim  with  his  rifle — that  weapon  being,  in  fact,  always  in  his 
hands  like  an  integral  part  of  his  body.  His  only  reply  was — 
"She's — (rifles  in  natural  grammar  are  she's;  to  a  true  woodsman 


SECOND  YEAR  187 

a  rifle  is  like  a  beloved  sister ;  and  he  no  more  thinks  of  he-ing  and 
himr-ing,  or  even  it-ing  the  one  than  the  other) — "she's  bin  too 
long  in  the  family,  boys,  to  be  desarted  without  no  attempt  to 
save  her ;  no,  no,  it's  not  the  fust  time  she's  been  swimm'd  over  a 
river;  uncle  Bill,  arter  that  bloody  fight  with  the  Injins,  jumped 
down  the  cliff  with  her  and  swimm'd  her  clean  over  the  Ohio  in 
his  hand,  and  I  kin  outrassel  and  outswim  uncle  Bill  any  day — no 
no — we  sink  or  swim  together :  so  good  bye,  boys,  here  goes,  I'll 
holler  as  soon  as  I  git  foothold."  The  splashing  of  the  water 
drowned  the  rest;  and  away  with  his  heavy  rifle  in  one  hand, 
and  striking  out  with  the  other,  swam  the  bold  hunter,  till  borne 
down  by  the  fierce  current  he  had  soon  passed  out  of  sight  and 
hearing. 

With  intense  anxiety  the  remaining  two  waited  for  their  com- 
rade's promised  shout;  but  no  noise  came  save  the  rushing  of 
the  boiling  and  angry  waters  past  and  under  the  drift-wood. 
Twenty  long  minutes  had  elapsed,  and  yet  no  voice — ten  more — 
and  all  silence,  except  the  waters!  Could  it  be,  as  they  had  all 
along  dreaded,  that  the  hunter  was  indeed  sunk  with  his  fav- 
ourite gun ! — or  had  he  been  carried  one  or  more  miles  down  be- 
fore he  could  land?  The  force  of  the  current  rendered  this 
probable;  and,  therefore,  they  would  wait  an  hour,  to  give  him 
time  to  walk  up  the  bank  opposite  the  island  and  shout.  But 
when  that  long  and  dreadful  hour  had  elapsed,  and  no  voice  of 
the  living  comrade  yet  came  across  the  dark  and  tumultuous 
waves,  the  agony  of  the  hunter's  only  brother  (for  such  was  the 
surveyor  on  the  drift  with  Glenville,) — became  irrepressible,  and 
he  said,  "I  must  see  what's  become  of  poor  Isaac — I  can't  stand 
it  any  longer,  here's  my  hand,  Glenville,  my  poor  boy — farewell ! 
— if  I  reach  the  shore  I'll  holler,  if  not,  why  we  must  all  die — fare- 
well." The  next  instant  the  surveyor  was  borne  away;  and  the 
noise  of  his  swimming  becoming  fainter  and  fainter  was  soon 
imperceptible,  and  John  Glenville  stood  alone ! 

Reader,  my  brother-in-law  was  then,  compared  with  men, 
only  a  boy ;  and  yet  he  stood  there  alone  and  without  fear !  And 
was  there  nothing  of  the  morally  sublime  in  that? — a  very  young 
man  thus  alone  in  the  middle  of  the  Missouri,  on  a  dark  and  cold 
night;  beyond  the  outskirts  of  civilized  life;  far  enough  away 


1 88  SECOND  YEAR 

from  his  mother's  home,  and  affectionate  sisters;  and  listening 
for  the  shouts  of  that  second  swimmer — and  without  fear? 
Could  any  body  old  or  young  be  in  such  circumstances,  and  not  be 
alarmed?  Where  was  that  noble  hunter?  was  he  drowned? 
Would  the  second  swimmer  reach  the  shore?  And  if  hardy  and 
strong  woodsmen  escaped  not,  could  he,  a  boy,  expect  to  reach 
the  shore?  True,  thoughts  of  his  mother  now  rushed  in  un- 
called ;  but  these  only  nerved  his  purpose,  and  he  resolved,  with 
God's  aid,  to  use  his  art  and  skill  for  their  sakes ;  or,  if  he  must 
perish  in  the  tumultuating  flood  of  the  wilderness,  to  die  putting 
forth  his  best  exertions  to  live — hark!  what  comes  like  a  dying 
echo! — can  it  be! — yes,  hark!  it  comes  again,  the  voice  of  the 
second  swimmer — there  it  is  again !  Thank  God — one  is  safe,  but 
where  is  the  other.  Thus  encouraged,  Glenville  prepared  for 
his  conflict  with  the  waves.  He  was  an  expert  swimmer,  and 
often  in  early  boyhood  had  swum  from  Philadelphia  to  the  op- 
posite island  in  the  Delaware.  Could  he,  therefore,  now  pre- 
serve his  self-possession,  why  might  he  not  accomplish  a  less  dis- 
tance in  the  Missouri ;  for  the  shore  he  knew  could  not  be  more 
than  a  quarter  of  a  mile  from  the  drift.  Accordingly  he  divested 
himself  of  all  clothes,  except  shirt  and  pantaloons,  made  up  the 
garments  taken  off  into  a  small  bundle,  in  the  midst  of  which, 
securing  the  papers  of  the  survey,  he  fastened  it  together  with  his 
hat  between  his  shoulders :  and  then,  wading  out  to  the  end  of  a 
projecting  tree,  he  earnestly  implored  God  for  help,  cast  himself 
boldly  into  the  turbid  waters  of  the  dark  and  eddying  flood.  And 
never  did  he  seem  to  float  more  buoyant  or  swim  with  greater  ease, 
without  any  perturbation  permitting  the  river  to  bear  him  down- 
ward on  its  bosom:  and  yet  directing  his  efforts  as  much  as 
possible,  towards  the  point  whence  at  intervals  was  borne  to  his 
ears  the  shouting  of  his  comrade ;  till,  in  some  fifteen  minutes  he 
landed  unhurt  and  not  greatly  wearied  about  one  hundred  yards 
below  the  voice,  whither  he  instantly  hastened,  and  to  his  heart- 
felt joy,  was  soon  shaking  hands  not  only  with  the  surveyor,  but 
also  with  the  hunter.  Yes!  poor  fellow — he  had  found  his 
favourite  too  heavy,  and  one  arm,  powerful  as  it  was,  too  weak 
for  his  long  battle  with  a  king  of  floods.  Long,  long,  very  long 
had  he  held  to  his  gun;  but  half-suffocated,  his  strength  failing, 


SECOND  YEAR  189 

and  he  whirling  away  at  times  from  the  shore  almost  reached, 
to  save  his  life  he  had  at  last  slowly  relaxed  his  grasp,  and  his 
rifle  sank.  Yet  even  then  repenting,  he  had  twice  gone  down  to 
the  bottom  to  recover  the  weapon :  and  happily,  failing  in  finding 
it — his  strength  never  would  have  sufficed  incumbered  again  with 
a  gun  to  reach  the  land. 

Indeed,  when  he  gained  the  bank  he  was  barely  able  to  clamber 
up,  and  could  scarcely  speak  or  even  walk,  when  discovered  by 
his  brother:  who  had  easily  reached  the  shore  himself,  and,  after 
shouting  once  or  twice  to  Glenville,  had  gone  down  on  the  bank  a 
full  quarter  of  a  mile  before  finding  the  hunter.  By  the  aid  of 
the  surveyor,  the  hunter  then  had  walked  up  till  they  had  reached 
the  spot  where  they  were  both  now  met  by  Glenville;  and  thus 
by  the  goodness  of  Providence,  our  three  friends  were  delivered 
from  their  peril. 

Upon  reconnoitering,  it  was  conjectured  that  they  must  be  near 
the  squatter's  hut,  with  whom  had  been  left  their  horses;  and 
hence  taking  a  course,  partly  by  accident  and  partly  by  observa- 
tion, not  long  after  they  were  cheered  by  the  distant  bark  of  his 
dogs,  and  next  by  the  gleam  of  fire  through  the  chinks  of  his 
cabin.  Here,  of  course,  the  party  was  welcomed,  and  supplied 
with  whatever  was  in  the  squatter's  power  to  afford  for  their 
refreshment;  principally,  however,  a  hearty  dram  of  whiskey, 
some  corn  bread  and  jerked  vension,  but  above  all,  a  bed  of  dry 
skins,  and  a  heap  of  blazing  logs. 

In  the  morning  they  obtained  supplies  of  skins  and  blankets, 
agreeing  to  pay  their  host  if  he  would  go  with  them  to  the  rendez- 
vous; which  he  did,  and  was  suitably  and  cordially  rewarded.  It 
was  now  perceived  that  if  the  poor  hunter  had  left  his  rifle  on 
the  drift-island,  she  could  have  been  regained  by  means  of  a 
raft :  but  to  tell  where  she  had  been  abandoned  in  the  river  was 
impossible.  Otherwise  our  hunter  would  have  made  many  a 
dive  for  the  rescue  of  his  "deer  slayer ;"  as  it  was,  he  came  away 
disconsolate,  and,  indeed,  as  from  the  grave  of  a  comrade — almost 
in  tears! 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

"Ac  veluti  summis  antiquam  in  montibus  ornum 
Cum  ferro  accisam  crebrisque  bipennibus  instant 
Eruere  agricolae  certatim:  ilia  usque  minatur, 
Et  tremef acta  comam  concusso  vertice  nutat : 
Vulneribus  donee  paulatim  evicta,  supremum 
Congemuit,  traxitque  jugis  avulsa  ruinam." 

OUR  party  reached  the  rendezvous  only  a  few  hours  beyond  the 
appointed  time.  Here,  as  a  bee-tree  had  been  just  reported,  it 
was  unanimously  determined  to  commemorate  the  deliverance  and 
safe  arrival  of  our  three  friends  by  a  special  jollification.  In 
other  words,  it  was  voted  to  obtain  the  wild  honey ;  and  then,  in 
a  compound  of  honey,  water  and  whiskey,  to  toast  our  undrowned 
heroes  and  their  presence  of  mind  and  bravery : — no  small  honour, 
if  the  trouble  of  getting  the  honey  is  considered.  For,  on  follow- 
ing the  aerial  trail  of  the  bees,  the  hive  was  ascertained  to  be  in 
a  hollow  limb  of  the  largest  patriarchal  sire  of  the  forest — a  tree 
more  than  thirty  feet  in  circumference!  and  requiring  six  men 
at  least,  touching  each  other's  hands,  to  encircle  the  trunk! 

And  this  is  a  fair  chance  to  say  a  word  about  the  enormous 
circumambitudialitariness  ( /)  of  many  western  trees.  It  is  com- 
mon to  find  such  from  six  to  seven  feet  in  diameter ;  and  we  have 
more  than  once  sat  on  stumps  and  measured  across  three  lengths 
of  my  cane,  nearly  ten  feet;  and  found,  on  counting  the  con- 
centric circles,  that  these  monsters  must  have  been  from  seven  to 
eight  hundred  years  old — an  age  greater  than  Noah's,  and  almost 
as  venerable  as  that  of  Methusaleh !  Shall  we  feel  no  sublimity 
in  walking  amid  and  around  such  ancients?  Trees  that  have 
tossed  their  branches  in  the  sun  light  and  winds  for  eight  cen- 
turies!— that  have  scorned  the  tempests  and  torandoes,  whose 
fury  ages  ago  prostrated  cities  and  engulfed  navies! — that  have 
sheltered  wildfowl  in  their  leaves,  and  hid  wild  beasts  in  their 
caverns  from  the  dooms-day  looking  gloom  of  many  total  solar 
eclipses !  and  have  gleamed  in  the  disastrous  light  of  comets  re- 
turning in  the  rounds  of  centenary  cycles ! 

Such  trees,  but  for  the  insidious  and  graceless  axe,  that  in  its 
powerlessness  begged  a  small  handle  of  the  generous  woods,  such 


SECOND  YEAR  191 

would  yet  stand  for  other  centuries  to  come,  at  least  .decaying, 
if  not  growing:  they  are  herculean  even  in  weakness  and  dying! 
And  dare  finical  European  tourists  say  we  have  no  antiquity! 
Poor  souls! — poor  souls!— -our  trees  were  fit  for  navies,  long 
years  before  their  old  things  existed!  Ay,  when  their  oldest 
castles  and  cities  were  unwrought  rock  and  unburnt  clay!  Our 
trees  belong  to  the  era  of  Egyptian  architecture — they  are  coeval 
with  the  pyramids ! 

Near  the  junction  of  the  White  River  of  Indiana  and  the 
Wabash,  stands  a  sycamore  fully  ninety  feet  in  circumference! 
Within  its  hollow  can  be  stabled  a  dozen  horses ;  and  if  a  person 
stand  in  the  centre  of  the  ground  circle,  and  hold  in  his  hand  the 
middle  of  a  pole  fifteen  feet  long,  he  may  twirl  the  pole  as  he 
pleases,  and  yet  touch  no  part  of  the  inner  tree !  He  may,  as  did 
Bishop  Hilsbury,  mounted  on  a  horse,  ride  in  at  a  natural  opening, 
canter  round  the  area,  and  trot  forth  to  the  world  again !  But  to 
the  bee-tree. 

It  is  a  proverb,  "He  that  would  eat  the  fruit  must  first  climb 
the  tree  and  get  it :"  but  when  that  fruit  is  honey,  he  that  wants  it 
must  first  cut  the  tree  down.  And  that  was  the  present  necessity. 
No  sooner  was  this  resolved,  however,  than  preparation  was  made 
for  execution;  and  instantly  six  sturdy  fellows  stood  with  axes, 
ready  for  the  work  of  destruction.  They  were  all  divested  of 
garments  excepting  shirts  and  trowsers ;  and  now,  with  arms  bared 
to  the  shoulders,  they  took  distances  around  the  stupendous 
tree.  Then  the  leader  of  the  band,  glancing  an  eye  to  see  if  his 
neighbour  was  ready,  stepped  lightly  forward  with  one  leg,  and 
swinging  his  weapon,  a  la  Tom  Robison,  he  struck;  and  the 
startled  echoes  from  the  "tall  timber"  of  the  dark  dens,  were 
telling  each  other  that  the  centuries  of  a  wood-monarch  were 
numbered!  That  blow  was  the  signal  for  the  next  axe,  and  its 
stroke  for  the  next;  till  cut  after  cut  brought  it  to  the  leader's 
second  blow :  and  thus  was  completed  the  circle  of  rude  har- 
mony ;  while  the  lonely  cliffs  of  the  farther  shores,  and  the  grim 
forests  on  this,  were  repeating  to  one  another  the  endless  and 
regular  notes  of  the  six  death-dealing  axes!  And  never  before 
had  the  music  of  six  axes  so  rung  out  to  enliven  the  grand  soli- 
tudes — and  a  smaller  number  was  not  worthy  to  bid  such  a  tree 
fall! 


192  SECOND  YEAR 

Long  was  it,  however,  before  the  tree  gave  even  the  slightest 
symptom  of  alarm.  What  had  it  cared  for  the  notchings  of  a 
hundred  blows!  Yet  chip  afteil  chip  had  leaped  from  the 
wounded  body — each  a  block  of  solid  wood — and  the  keen  iron 
teeth  were  beginning  to  gnaw  upon  the  vitals!  Alas!  oh!  noble 
tree,  you  tremble !  Ah !  it  is  not  the  deep  and  accustomed  thunder 
of  the  heavens,  that  shakes  you  now ! — no  mighty  quaking  of  the 
earth!  That  is  a  strange  shivering — it  is  the  chill  shivering  of 
death!  But  what  does  death  mean  where  existence  was  deemed 
immortal!  Why  are  those  topmost  branches,  away  off  towards 
the  blue  heavens,  so  agitated !  Tree ! — tree ! — no  wind  stirs  them 
so — they  incline  towards  the  earth — away !  hunter,  away !  away ! 
Hark! — the  mighty  heart  is  breaking!  And  now  onward  and 
downward  rushes  yon  broad  expanse  of  top,  with  the  cataract 
roar  of  eddying  whirlwinds;  and  the  far-reaching  arms  have 
caught  the  strong  and  stately  trees;  and  all  are  hurrying  and 
leaping  and  whirling  to  the  earth,  in  tempest  and  fury!  Their 
fall  is  heard  not.  In  the  overwhelming  thunder  of  that  quiver- 
ing trunk,  and  the  thousand  crushings  of  those  giant  limbs,  and 
the  deep  groan  of  the  earth,  are  lost  all  other  noises,  as  the 
slight  crack  of  our  rifles  and  the  sudden  bursting  of  the  electric 
cloud !  There  lies  the  growth  of  ages !  Once  more  the  sun 
pours  the  tide  of  all  his  rays  over  an  acre  of  virgin  soil,  barely 
discerned  by  him  for  centuries! 

Well  might  Glenville  feel  rewarded  and  honoured,  when  for 
his  sake  such  a  tree  lay  prostrate  at  his  feet!  And  yet  in  all 
this  was  fulfilled  the  saying, — the  sublime  and  ridiculous  are 
separated  by  narrow  limits ;  for,  could  any  thing  be  grander  than 
such  a  tree  and  such  an  overthrow?  Could  any  be  meaner  than 
the  purpose  for  which  it  fell  ? — viz : — To  get  a  gallon  of  honey  to 
sweeten  a  keg  of  whiskey! 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

"Provide  the  proper  pal  fries,  black  as  jet 
To  hale  thy  vengeful  wagon  swift  away, 
And  find  out  murderers  in  their  guilty  caves." 

AFTER  many  other  trials  and  adventures  Glenville  returned  safe 
to  his  home  in  Kentucky.  Here  with  his  wages  he  loaded  a  boat 
with  "produce,"  and  set  float  for  New  Orleans;  intending  with 
the  cash  realized  by  the  trip,  on  his  return,  to  go  into  Illinois  with 
a  stock  of  goods  and  "keep  store."  But  at  Orleans  he  was  seized 
with  the  yellow  fever,  and  was  finally  given  over  by  his  physician, 
and  orders  issued,  in  anticipation  of  death,  for  his  interment.  That 
very  night,  however,  in  delirium,  and  while  his  kind  yet  weary 
nurse  slumbered  in  a  chair,  he  arose  and  finding  a  basin  of  water 
brought  to  wash  him  in  the  morning,  he  instantly  seized  and  swal- 
lowed the  whole  contents — the  only  thing  deemed  wanting  to 
kill  him !  And  yet  when  put  again  into  bed,  he  fell  into  a  calm 
and  delicious  slumber;  perspired  freely,  and  when  he  awoke  the 
fever  was  gone,  and  my  friend  saved.  Let  careful  persons,  there- 
fore, who  keep  a  memorandum  book  put  this  along  side  the 
celebrated  Scotch-herring-recipe, — "Cure  for  Orleans  fever:  two 
quarts  of  cold  water,  and  cover  up  in  bed." 

Glenville  did,  indeed,  get  home  and  with  some  money  from  a 
successful  sale ;  but  he  was  worn  and  emaciated,  and  many  months 
passed,  before  he  could  cross  the  Ohio  and  set  up  his  store.  His 
cup  of  bitterness  was  not  drained ;  and  evil  came  now  in  a  form 
demanding  stout  heart  and  steady  nerves.  Ay!  our  dark  and 
illimitable  forests  then  hid  men  of  lion  hearts,  of  iron  nerves,  of 
sure  and  deadly  weapons!  Perhaps  such  dwell  there  yet;  if  so, 
wo!  to  the  enemy  that  rashly  arouses  them  from  their  lairs  and 
challenges,  where  civilized  discipline  avails  not !  and  where  battle 
is  a  thousand  conflicts  man  to  man,  rifle  to  rifle,  knife  to  knife, 
hatchet  to  hatchet !  And  Glenville,  boy  as  he  was,  proved  himself 
worthy  a  name  among  the  lion-hearted ! 

We  stood  once  on  a  solemn  spot  in  the  wilderness  and  leaned 
against  the  very  tree  where  the  bloody  knife  of  the  only  survivor 
had  rudely  and  briefly  carved  the  tale  of  the  tragedy.  It  stood 
nearly  thus: 


194  SECOND  YEAR 

"18  injins — 15  wites — injins  all  kill'd  and  buried  here — 14 
wites  kill'd  and  buried  too — P.  T." 

Laugh  away,  men  of  pomatum  and  essence,  at  Hoosiers,  and 
Corncrackers,  and  Buckeyes  :  ay !  lace-coats,  mow  them  down  in  an 
open  plain  with  canister  and  grape,  you  safely  encased  behind 
bulwarks ;  or  cut  them  to  pieces  with  pigeon  breasted,  mailed  and 
helmed  cuirassiers, — but  seek  them  not  as  enemies  in  their  native 
and  adopted  woods !  The  place  of  your  graves  will  be  notched  in 
their  trees,  and  you  will  never  lie  under  polished  marble,  in  a 
fashionable  and  decorated  cemetery! 

But  Glenville,  in  store  keeping  witnessed  a  farce  before  his 
tragedy.  Among  his  earthen  and  sham-Liverpool,  were  found 
some  articles,  similar  to  things  domesticated  in  great  houses,  and 
which,  although  not  made  unto  honour,  were  in  the  present  case 
very  unexpectedly  elevated  in  the  domestic  economy.  These 
modesties  occupied  a  retired  and  rather  dusky  part  of  the  store; 
when  one  day  an  honest  female  Illinois — (i.  e.  a  Sucker's  wife) — 
in  her  travels  around  the  room  in  search  of  crocks  suddenly  ex- 
claimed: "Well!  I  never!  if  them  yonder  with  the  handles  on, 
aint  the  nicest  I  ever  seen! — Johhny,  what's  the  price? — but  I 
must  have  three  any  how ; — here  Johnny  do  up  this  white  one — 
(rapping  it  with  her  knuckles) — and  them  two  brown  ones  up 
thare." 

A  large  purchase,  to  be  sure,  of  the  article ;  but  curiosity  asked 
no  questions :  and  in  due  time  the  trio  were  packed  and  hanging  in 
a  meal  bag  from  the  horn  of  the  lady's  saddle ;  who,  on  taking 
leave,  thus  addressed  our  marvelling  shopkeeper: — 

"Mr.  Glenville,  next  time  you  go  gallin,  jist  gimme  and  my  ole- 
man  a  call, — we've  got  a  right  down  smart  chance  of  a  gall  to 
look  at — good  bye." 

Our  hero,  who  had  early  discovered,  that  store  keeping  is  none 
the  worse  when  the  owner  is  in  favour  with  the  softer  sex,  did 
not  forget  this  invitation,  and  in  due  season  made  his  kind 
friends  a  visit :  and  when  supper  was  placed  on  the  table  by  the 
smiling  maid  and  her  considerate  mother,  what  do  you  think  was 
there? 

"Corn  bread?" 

Hold  your  ear  this  way — (a  whisper.) 


SECOND  YEAR  195 

"No!— he!  he!  he!"— 

Yes,  indeed,  and  doubledeed ! — the  white  one  full  of  milk ! ! 
And  after  that  you  know  our  humblest  democrat,  may  well  look 
up  to  the  presidency. 

It  had  become  about  this  time  necessary  for  Mr.  G.  to  visit 
Louisville.  For  that  purpose,  he  left  his  store  in  charge  of  a 
young  man;  the  latter  promising  among  other  things  to  sleep  in 
the  store,  instead  of  which,  however,  he  always  slept  at  a  neigh- 
bouring cabin.  Hence  what  was  feared  happened, — the  store  was 
robbed.  Not  truly  in  the  eastern  style,  of  small  change  in  the 
desk,  some  half  dozen  portable  packages,  or  paltry  three  dozen 
yards  of  something; — no,  no,  the  robbery  was  on  the  wholesale 
principle  commensurate  with  the  vastness  of  our  woods  and  prai- 
ries. The  entire  stock  in  trade  was  carried  off — bales,  boxes, 
bags,  packages,  and  even  yard-sticks  and  scales  to  sell  by — yes, ! 
and  hardware,  and  software,  and  brittleware, — ay!  crocks  with 
and  without  handles,  and  whatever  may  have  been  their  standing 
in  society, — all,  all — were  taken!  so  that  when  the  clerk  came  in 
the  morning  to  retail  to  the  Suckers,  there  was  indeed,  a  beg- 
garly account — not  of  empty  boxes,  these  being  mostly  carried 
away — but  of  empty  shelves,  and  empty  desks,  and  empty  store. 
His  occupation  was  even  more  completely  gone  than  Othello's. 

On  the  river  bank x  were,  indeed,  traces  enough  of  a  mysterious 
departure  of  merchandise ;  but  whether  the  embarkation  had  been 
in  skows,  or  "perogues,"  and  other  troughlike  vessels,  was  uncer- 
tain. Nor  could  it  even  be  conjectured,  for  what  port  the  store 
had  been  spirited  away ;  or  for  what  secret  cove  or  recess  of  tall 
weeds  matted  into  texture  with  sharp  briars  and  thorny  bushes ! 

Previous  to  Glenville's  return,  a  fellow  that  had  been  noticed 
lurking  in  the  woods  near  the  store  for  two  days  before  the  rob- 
bery, was  recognised  in  a  small  village,  the  day  after,  and  in  sus- 
picious circumstances.  He  was,  therefore  apprehended ;  when, 
after  a  short  imprisonment,  he  confessed  having  been  employed 
by  some  strangers  to  steer  a  flat  boat  loaded  with  something  or 
other  from  Glenville's  landing.  On  his  return,  our  merchant 
went  to  the  sheriff,  who  indignant  at  villainy  that  had  so  com- 
pletely ruined  a  very  young  man  after  years  of  toil  and  danger 
Big-Fish-River. 


196  SECOND  YEAR 

passed  in  acquiring  his  little  property,  did  himself  suggest  and 
offer  voluntarily  to  aid  in  a  scheme  to  compel  the  prisoner  to  dis- 
close, at  least,  where  the  goods  were  concealed,  and  before  they 
should  be  removed  from  the  country  or  ruined  by  the  damp. 

We  are  not  advocates  for  lynching,  but  we  do  know  that 
where  laws  cannot  and  do  not  protect  backwoodsmen,  they  fall 
back  on  reserved  rights  and  protect  themselves.  Nay,  such,  in- 
stead of  laying  aside  defensive  weapons,  after  legislators  shall 
have  been  wheedled,  or  frightened,  or  bribed  into  vile  plans  by 
puling  or  fanatical  moralists  to  nurse  the  wilful  and  godless  mur- 
derer on  good  bread,  wholesome  water  and  occasional  soups,  all 
the  remainder  of  his  forfeited  days — we  know  that  such  woodmen 
will  go  better  armed,  to  slay  and  not  unrighteously  on  the  spot 
every  unholy  apostate  that  maliciously  and  wilfully  strikes  down 
and  stamps  on  God's  image !  And  when  the  day  comes  that  the 
avenger  of  a  brother's  blood  wakes  in  our  land — let  no  canting 
infidel  or  universalist  blame  those  that  now  resist  the  abrogation 
of  divine  laws! — but  let  him  blame  hypocritical  juries,  rabble- 
rousing  governors,  and  all  that  are  now  deserting  the  weak,  the 
innocent,  the  unwary,  the  defenceless,  and  crying  "God  pity  and 
defend  and  save  and  bless — the  murderer !"  2  and  "Shame  on  the 
dead — poor  lifeless,  victim!" 

The  sheriff  and  Glenville  with  two  fearless  and  voluntary  asso- 
ciates prevailed  on  the  jailor  to  loan  them  the  prisoner  for  a  day 
or  two,  making  known  their  scheme  and  giving  suitable  pledges 
for  his  redelivery.  The  loan  was  made,  and  then,  on  reaching  a 
fit  place,  the  prisoner  was  dismounted,  and  Glenville  proposed  to 
him  the  following: 

"My  friend,  we  know  very  well  you  helped  to  rob  my  store, 
and  that  you  know  well  enough  where  your  comrades  are  and 
how  the  goods  can  be  recovered;  now,  if  you  will  tell,  not  only 
will  we  get  you  out  of  jail,  provided  you  will  leave  the  country, 

2  Some  politicians  plead  strenuously  for  the  abolishing  of  Capital 
Punishment  in  all  cases,  who  yet  insist  op  the  right  of  self-defence,  de- 
fensive -wars,  and  the  propriety  of  firing  on  mobs  with  powder  and  ball! 
Of  course,  it  is  very  proper  to  kill  any  number  of  persons  intending 
either  to  rob  or  murder ;  but  very  wicked  and  impolitic  to  put  any  body 
to  death  after  his  crimes  shall  have  been  committed! 


SECOND  YEAR  197 

but  I  will  give  you  also  ten  dollars ;  tout  if  you  won't  tell,  why  then 
we'll  flog  you  into  it — come,  what  do  you  say  ?" 

"Well,  he  be  some-thing'd  if  he  know'd;  and  if  he  did,  he 
wasn't  going  to  be  lick'd  into  tellin — and  he'd  sue  them  for  salt 
and  battery." 

Peril,  indeed,  was  in  this  illegal  process;  but  the  party  had 
good  reasons  for  believing  the  fellow  a  desperate  robber,  and  so 
they  seemed  to  be  preparing  for  a  severe  flaggellation,  when  he 
supposing  all  was  solemn  earnest,  said  he  was  ready  to  confess, 
and,  provided  Mr.  G.  would  forgive  and  not  prosecute,  he  would 
conduct  the  present  party  to  the  plunder,  or  a  part  of  it.  The 
promise  was  readily  given  and  the  fellow  was  unbound  and  re- 
mounted without  any  trammel,  but  with  this  comfortable  assur- 
ance, that  if  he  tried  to  escape  or  to  betray  them  into  any  rendez- 
vous of  robbers,  he  should  be  instantly  shot  down,  and  that 
whether  they  died  themselves  for  it  or  not. 3 

Accordingly,  away  all  started  through  the  woods,  where  the 
prisoner  yet  rode,  confident,  as  if  following  a  blaze,  and  stopping 
only  at  intervals  to  look  at  the  sun,  or  the  moss,  or  to  examine 
a  tree  or  branch,  and  shewing  if  he  had  one  hundred  yards  fair 
start,  it  would  be  no  easy  matter  either  to  catch  or  shoot  him.  At 
last,  a  wild  turkey  was  seen  trotting  across  their  course,  fully 
eighty  yards  off,  and  then  Glenville,  nearly  as  good  shot  as  the 
writer,  merely  stopping  his  horse,  levelled  and  fired  from  his  sad- 
dle, when  to  his  own  surprise,  as  well  as  that  of  the  others,  the 
bird  fell  dead  in  his  tracks!  After  this  the  guide  would  check 
his  own  horse,  if  he  voluntarily  stepped  faster  than  the  others, 
lest  he  should  seem  meditating  an  escape ;  for  if  a  moving  turkey 
could  be  shot,  so  he  seemed  to  think  could  more  easily  be  a  mov- 
ing man. 

The  fellow,  however,  led  at  length  into  a  deep  ravine  on  Big 
Wolf  Creek ;  and  there,  sure  enough,  some  in  a  cave  and  some  in 
a  hollow  tree  were  portions  of  the  merchandise — it  being  evident 
also  that  within  a  very  few  hours  a  still  larger  portion  had  been 
removed  to  some  other  depot !  By  the  force  of  additional  threats, 
promises  and  entreaties,  the  rascal  named  the  other  robbers,  he  be- 

3  It  was  intended  only  to  frighten  the  man,  unless  he  did  actually 
betray  the  party  to  the  robbers — when,  of  course,  it  would  be  life  for  life. 


198  SECOND  YEAR 

ing  merely  a  subordinate;  but  as  no  small  hazard  would  be  en- 
countered in  attacking  the  temporary  cabin,  where  the  principal 
robber  and  the  remaining  goods  were,  it  was  determined  first  to 
get  additional  volunteers  and  make  more  suitable  preparation. 
Packing  the  damaged  and  soiled  goods  on  their  horses,  the  sher- 
iff's party  returned  with  their  prisoner  to  the  village  of  Shante- 
burg,  and  redelivered  him  to  the  jailor,  intending  if  his  informa- 
tion proved  substantially  correct  to  have  the  fellow  not  only 
liberated,  but  otherwise  rewarded. 

Here,  also,  two  others  volunteered  to  join  in  the  robber  hunt; 
upon  which  all,  with  loaded  rifles,  and  knives  and  hatchets  in  their 
belts,  soon  mounted,  and  were  plunging  again  into  the  darkness  of 
the  forest,  now  black  from  a  moonless  night.  Early  on  the 
next  morning  they  came  in  sight  of  the  cabin.  When  within  fifty 
yards,  the  robber  stepping  to  the  door  let  his  rifle  fall  in  that 
peculiar  manner  that  belongs  to  a  practiced  marksman,  at  the 
same  time  warning  off  his  visitors,  and  solemnly  swearing  he 
would  kill  the  man  that  first  approached  his  barricade.  At  the 
instant,  however,  of  the  man's  appearance  and  even  before  he  had 
faily  uttered  a  word,  our  friends  had  "treed"  in  a  twinkling,  and 
now  stood  with  pointed  weapons  and  keen  eyes  towards  the  bold 
thief.  Glenville,  on  leaping  from  his  horse,  instead  of  treeing, 
stood  boldly  out  and  thus  exclaimed  loud  enough  to  be  heard  by 
all :  "Sheriff,  you  are  all  running  this  risk  for  me — 'tis  my  duty 
to  lead.  I'll  attack  the  scoundrel;  if  he  shoots  me — avenge  my 
death!"  With  that  he  fearlessly  advanced  with  his  levelled  rifle 
and  then  halting,  called  to  the  villain :  "Throw  down  your  gun — 
in  ten  seconds  one  of  us  is  a  dead  man — one,  two,  three :"  and  so 
the  two  stood,  each  with  his  bead  darkened  by  the  other's  breast — 
the  sheriff's  men,  also  unwilling  to  shed  blood ;  yet  with  a  finger 
every  man  on  his  set  trigger — till  Glenville  called  "seven" — when 
the  robber  suddenly  threw  up  his  muzzle,  and  cried  out,  "surren- 
dered I"  The  next  instant  he  was  seized  and  bound.  This  was 
the  leader.  His  main  accomplices  were  not  discovered,  and  only 
another  portion  of  the  stolen  goods,  which,  together  with  the 
robber,  were  now  conveyed  in  triumph  to  Shanteburg.  That  after- 
noon the  fellow  was  lodged  in  jail,  and  of  necessity  in  the  same 
room  with  the  subordinate  thief:  yet,  while  all  possible  care  was 


SECOND  YEAR  199 

used  to  prevent  escape,  in  less  than  forty-eight  hours  both  con- 
trived to  get  out !  and  from  that  hour  to  the  present,  neither  they, 
nor  the  remainder  of  the  merchandize  was  ever  seen  or  recovered. 
It  was,  indeed  ascertained  that  they  belonged  to  a  small  foraging 
party  from  the  grand  gang  of  outlaws,  whose  head-quarters  then 
were  among  the  islands  and  cane-breakers  of  the  Missouri :  and  so 
doubtless  they  escaped  by  the  aid  of  concealed  comrades  and  all 
got  safe  off  with  Mr.  Glenvile's  balance  in  trade,  to  the  army  of 
the  confederates.  Perhaps  they  lived  to  rob  again — may  be  to 
murder;  and  for  which  latter  service  our  modern  pseudo-philan- 
thropists would  pity  and  feed  theme'  Many  neighbours  out  there 
will  always  physic  such  with  lead  pills — at  least  till  Reformers 
•have  prisons  prepared  to  hold  their  pets  longer  than  a  few 
hours ! 

This  pleasant  adventure,  terminated  Mr.  G's  first  essay  at  store- 
keeping.  It  gained  him,  however,  a  character,  and  no  one  would 
have  become  popular  in  the  New  Purchase,4  but  for  mistaken 
opinions  in  the  neighbours  about  "Mr.  Carlton's  bigbuggery  and 
stuckupness."  As  it  was,  Glenville  nearly  went  over  Simpson 
rough  shod.  And  all  these  little  affairs  aided  our  firm  in  sore 
disappointments  and  losses ;  for  then  the  senior  would  say — 

"Well! — we  might  have  had  better  luck." 

And  the  junior  reply, 

"Why,  yes — and  another  consolation:  this  is  not  the  first  dis- 
appointment, and  it  wont  be  the  last!" 

We,  in  short,  thus  learned  to  imitate  the  sailor,  who,  in  witness- 
ing a  conjuror's  tricks,  was  pitched  into  the  yard  by  the  accidental 
blowing  up  of  some  gunpowder;  but  which  supposing  to  be  one 
of  the  tricks,  he  held  on  to  his  bench,  and  exclaimed :  "Well ! — 
what  next?" 

4  Our  part  of  it 


CHAPTER    XXVI. 


O  Cromwell !     Cromwell ! 


Had  I  but  served  my  God  with  half  the  zeal 
I  serv'd  my  King,  he  would  not  in  mine  age 
Have  left  me  naked  to  mine  enemies." 

Is  the  way  of  a  transgressor  hard?  that  of  a  politician  is  not 
much  easier.  He  is  usually  a  slave  first,  and  a  timeserver  after- 
wards. In  the  Purchase  the  sovereign  people  are  the  most  un- 
compromising task  masters ;  and  he  that  wishes  to  serve  them,  had 
better  first  take  a  trip  to  Egypt  and  learn  the  art  of  doing  brick 
without  straw.  In  certain  districts,  fitness,  mental,  and  moral  is 
a  secondary  qualification  in  a  candidate;  he  must  be  a  clever 
fellow  in  the  broad  republican  sense.  For  instance,  he  must  lend 
his  saddle  to  a  neighbor,  and  ride  himself,  bareback ;  he  must  buy 
other  people's  produce  for  cash,  and  sell  his  own  for  trade  or  on 
credit ;  and,  on  certain  solemn  occasions,  he  must  appear  without 
a  coat,  and  in  domestic  muslin  shirt-sleeves :  his  overalls  hung  by 
half  a  suspender,  and  a  portion  of  the  above  named  muslin 
curiously  pouched  between  his  vest  and  inexpressibles.  His  face 
must  wreathe,  or  wrinkle,  with  endless  smiles ;  and  his  ungloved 
hand  be  ready  for  a  pump-handle  shake  with  friend  and  foe 
alike :  because  a  foe  often  presents  his  hand  to  ascertain  if  "the 
fellow  aint  too  darn'd  proud  to  shake  hands  with  a  poor  man !" 

Is  the  man  of  honour  invited  to  eat?  he  asks  no  questions  for 
conscience's  sake,  or  the  stomach's — the  two  things  being  in 
many  people  the  same.  Is  he  asked  to  stay  all  night?  he  never 
wonders  where  they  will  find  him  a  bed — there  being  only  three 
in  the  room,  and  the  family  consisting  of  one  old  man,  and  one 
old  woman,  two  grown  sons,  three  daughters,  and  some  little 
folks — he  naturally  lies  down  on  the  puncheons  with  his  certifi- 
cate wallet  for  a  bolster.  Or  does  he  share  a  bed  with  two  others  ? 
— then  he  recollects  it  is  a  free  country,  and  if  one  man  needs 
votes,  another  needs  brimstone.  And  why  turn  up  a  nose  at  an 
oderiferous  blanket? — has  a  bed  any  right,  natural  or  political,  to 
more  than  one  sheet  ? — and  why  should  not  the  sheet  be  under  and 
the  blanket  above  you? — Let  go  your  nose!  has  not  a  long  suc- 

200 


SECOND  YEAR  201 

cession  of  "your  dear  fellow-citizens"  slept  in  the  same  bed,  and 
between  the  same  articles;  and  what,  pray,  are  you  better  than 
they  to  wish  clean  things?  "Yes — but  I'm  nearly  stifled."  Tut 
man ! — you'll  never  mind  it  when  you  get  to  sleep.  "But  it  cer- 
tainly will  kill  me!"  Not  it:  men  of  honour  are  not  so  easily 
destroyed. 

Would  a  candidate  cough? — he  puts  no  hand  up,  nor  turns 
aside  his  head.  Must  the  nose  be  blown? — he  draws  out  no 
handkerchief.  Would  he  spit? — he  neither  goes  to  the  door,  nor 
uses  a  perfumed  cambric,  like  a  first-rate  clergyman.  Why? — 
because  all  such  observances  are  regarded  as  signs  of  pride,  and 
if  you  despise  them  not,  your  election  is  hopeless. 

"But,  Mr.  Carlton,  we  might  transmit  something  offensive  to  a 
gentleman's  garments." 

"Well,  what  then !  he  will  certainly  some  time  or  other  return 
your  favour.  Be  satisfied,  my  dear  Mr.  Eastman,  it  is  only  by 
giving  and  taking  all  sorts  of  matters  out  there,  you  can,  in  some 
districts,  ever  secure  your  election." 

"And  do  any  politicians  endure  all  this !" 

Certainly:  and  persons  who  aspire  to  rule  ought  surely  first 
to  serve.  Many  remarkable  men  in  Congress,  be  it  known,  had  a 
long  training  in  some  Purchase — their  meannesses  are  not  of 
toadstool  growth,  if  they  are  of  toadstool  flavour. 

Reader !  are  you  religious  ?  Then  do  write  a  tract  to  be  scat- 
tered any  where  on  election  days ;  and  here  is  your  text  or  theme : 
— "Give  diligence  to  make  your  calling  and  election  sure."  Among 
other  matters,  set  forth  how  it  requires  not  one  fourth  the  labour, 
toil,  anxiety,  watchfulness  and  none  of  the  base  sacrifices  of  time, 
comfort,  and  independence  to  save  a  man's  soul  as  to  win  an  elec- 
tion; and,  how  the  worldly  honour  is  not  worth  after  all  even 
the  worldly  price  paid  for  it,  and  much  less,  the  immortal  soul 
usually  thrown  in  with  the  rest  to  boot. 

We,  of  course,  did  not  do  some  things,  and  hence  Mr.  Glenville 
was  soon  permitted  to  remain  in  private  life;  still  we  were  com- 
pelled, for  electioneering  objects,  to  attend  this  summer,  several 
Log-Rollings.  Folks  in  the  Purchase  had  no  special  days  for 
political  gatherings,  or  at  most,  not  more  than  two  dozen  in  a 
whole  year;  for,  in  lieu  of  such,  every  militia  muster,  cabin- 


202  SECOND  YEAR 

raising,  scow-launching,  shooting-match,  log-rolling  and  so  forth, 
was  virtually  a  political  assembly,  where  our  great  men  and  their 
partisans  made  stump  speeches,  and  read  certificates.  For  the 
benefit  of  our  surplus  young  lawyers,  and  other  ambitious  gentle- 
men who  have  neither  trades  nor  stores,  and  who  are  desirous  of 
rising  above  the  political  horizon,  and  are  meditating  to  emigrate 
to  the  west,  we  shall  here  give  a  full  account  of  one  Grand  Log- 
Rolling,  which  Glenville  and  Co.,  attended  this  season. 

On  reaching  the  place,  we  found  a  large  and  motley  assembly 
of  fellow-creatures — men,  women,  boys,  girls,  horses,  oxen,  dogs 
— all  of  whom,  and  which,  came  either  to  aid  or  listen,  except  the 
dogs,  and  these  came  simply  out  of  philanthropy.  They  spent  the 
time  mainly  in  wagging  their  tails,  barking  at  rolling  logs,  and 
thrusting  in  their  noses  wherever  there  was  a  pretext  for  seeming 
busy  while  others  were  so  hard  at  work ;  and  yet,  excepting  some 
three  dozen  snakes,  four  skunks,  two  opossums  and  a  score  or 
two  of  insignificant  field  rats  and  mice  and  ground  squirrels,  the 
dogs  caught  nothing  the  whole  blessed  day. 

Indeed,  some  secretly  thought  it  would  have  been  just  as  well  if 
the  musk-cats  had  been  allowed  to  escape,  for,  after  their  capture, 
the  dogs  were  not  altogether  so  agreeable ;  yet  no  candidate  or 
candidate's  friends  or  even  their  enemies  kicked  or  whipped  a 
favourite  wag-tail.  It  was  hardly  politic  to  curl  your  nose. 
What  was  a  fellow  fit  for,  that  minded  such  things  ? — was  he  the 
man  to  go  to  the  legislature  and  carry  skins1  to  a  bear. 

The  whole  intended  field,  however,  was  resounding  with  all 
kinds  of  cries,  noises,  and  echoes,  such  as  shouts — orders — 
counterorders — encouragements — reproaches — whoas,  gees  and 
haws — hold-on's  and  let-go's,  and  that's  your  sort's — up-with- 
him's  to  male  logs,  pull  her  this  way,  to  female  ones,  and  down- 
with-it  to  neutrals;  with  clatter  of  axes  and  tomahawks;  the 
thunder  of  rolling  trunks;  the  crash  of  brush;  the  crackling  of 
flames :  and,  over  all,  agreeably  to  the  "Music  of  Nature," 2  were 
heard  the  shrill  outcries  of  females;  the  screeching  of  boys;  the 
snorting  and  winnowing  of  horses;  and  the  howling  and  barking 
of  dogs!  Never  was  scene  more  exciting ;  and  our  appearance  in 

1  Sausage  sort. 

2  Gardiner's. 


.SECOND  YEAR  203 

working  trim,  was  hailed  with  the  most  enthusiastic  cheering; 
which  compliment  being  suitably  returned,  we  speedily  joined  the 
nearest  working  party.  As  for  myself,  surely  I  never  did  haloa 
(holler)  louder  in  my  life:  and  I  certainly  never  did  work  harder 
for  a  whole  entire  hour,  dressed  en  costume,  to  wit: — in  tow- 
trousers,  cow-hide  boots,  and  unbleached  hemp  linen  shirt,  but 
without  coat  or  vest,  and  with  shirt  sleeves  rolled  above  the 
elbows. 

We  did  not  attend  the  gathering  purely  out  of  rabblerousing 
feelings ;  we  wanted  to  hear  the  speech  of  ours  John  intended  to 
let  off  at  Jerry;  for  something  was  expected  today  of  Glenville, 
and  he  was  only  a  novice  in  stump  elocution,  and  so  we  had, 
being  "high  larn'd"  and  a  "leetle"  of  a  politician,  made  John's  first 
speech  ourselves!  Had  John  been  as  great  a  nincompoop  as 
Jerry,  he  could  just  as  readily  have  spoken  nonsense  off  hand; 
but  he  knew  too  much  to  speak  sense  without  preparation :  and  so 
Mr.  Carlton  had  prepared  the  maiden  speech.  This,  however,  our 
friend,  like  some  manuscript  preachers,  delivered  more  than  once, 
yet  always  with  variations  and  additions,  till  at  last  the  very 
theme  and  text  were  both  changed,  and  our  stump  orator  gave 
towards  the  end  of  the  campaign  a  much  better  speech  than  he 
had  commenced  with. 

Our  historian,  as  has  been  hinted,  did  not  figure  a  very  long 
time  with  the  handspike,  having  luckily  discovered  some  pretext 
for  soon  joining  a  squawking  and  frolicsome  squad  of  boys,  girls 
and  young  women,  engaged  in  the  'niggerin-off."  Where  it  is  de- 
signed to  make  "a  clearing,"  the  owner  has  all  the  trees,  except 
some  six  or  eight  on  an  acre,  cut  down,  the  others  being  "dead- 
ened;" that  is  girdled  by  a  deep  cut  two  inches  wide.  If  the 
majority  of  the  trees  are  thus  girdled,  the  field  is  called — "a 
deadening," — otherwise  it  is  a  clearing.  Now,  it  is  to  a  clearing 
the  log-rolling,  or,  for  brevity's  sake,  "a  rolin,"  pertains.  In  order 
to  the  rolling  the  owner  has  had  all  prostrate  trunks  cut  into 
suitable  lengths,  and  the  bushy  tops  preserved  for  fuel  to  the 
log-heaps ;  still  many  trees  remain  to  be  prepared  even  on  the 
grand  rolling  day;  and  such  of  course  require  the  neighbours' 
axes  and  hatchets. 

In  fifty  or  more  places  of  the  clearing,  and  in  many  parts  of  the 


204  SECOND  YEAR 

same  trunk,  logs  are  making,  and  with  wonderful  celerity  by 
another  process — an  almost  noiseless  process,  too,  and  requiring, 
like  Yankee  factories,  only  women,  girls,  and  children.  And  this 
is  the  niggering-off.  It  is  thus  performed.  A  small  space  is 
hacked  into  the  upper  side  of  the  trunk,  and  in  that  for  awhile 
is  maintained  a  fire  fed  with  dry  chips  and  brush;  then  at  right 
angles,  with  the  prostrate  timber  is  laid  in  the  fire  a  stick  of  some 
green  wood,  dry  fuel  being  yet  added  at  intervals,  till  the 
incumbent  stick,  sinking  deeper  and  deeper  into  the  burning  spot, 
in  no  very  long  time,  if  properly  attended,  divides  or  niggers  the 
trunk  asunder. 

The  terms  of  this  art  are  derived  from  the  marvellous  resem- 
blance the  ends  of  charred  logs  have  to  a  negro's  head — another 
fact  on  which  abolitionists  may  dilate  with  great  pathos  in  the 
next  batch  of  popular  lectures,  on  the  wickedness  of  our  preju- 
dices :  although  it  must  be  remembered  that  our  black  rascals  out 
there  invented  the  terms  themiselves ! 

The  axe  is  truly  a  mighty  agent  in  the  civilization  of  new 
countries.  Fire  is  a  greater — and  only  in  a  New  Purchase  and 
in  the  niggering  operation  is  the  famous  copy-book  sentence  illus- 
trated properly — "Fire  is  a  bad  master,  but  a  good  servant'"  its 
mastership  belongs  to  our  log-burnings.  Without  the  aid  of  fire, 
the  stoutest  heart  must  be  appalled  at  the  thought  of  hewing  out 
with  the  axe  a  farm  from  our  forests;  and  yet  with  the  aid  of 
fire  even  females  may  achieve  that  enterprise. 

When  the  logs  are  all  cut  or  niggered,  they  are  then  rolled,  but 
often  dragged  together,  in  different  parts  of  the.  clearing;  and 
usually  to  the  vicinity  of  some  huge  tree  deadened,  or  perhaps 
living,  and  waving  its  melancholy  arms  over  the  mutilated  bodies 
and  mangled  limbs  of  its  slain  children  and  friends.  Ah !  happy 
if  the  tree  be  dead;  for  it  is  destined,  if  not  dead,  to  a  dreadful 
end — to  be  burned  alive !  Oh  !  poor  tree !  thy  former  friends  are 
compelled  to  become  thy  worst  enemies — their  severed  trunks  are 
gigantic  fagots!  Alas!  the  pile  rising  up,  as  log  after  log  rolls 
heavily  against  thy  quivering  column,  amid  our  labour,  and  shout- 
ing, and  uproar,  that  pile,  now  surrounded,  and  crowned  with  a 
tangled  world  of  brushwood,  is  thy  sumptuous  and  magnific 
pyre!  Monarch!  of  a  thousand  years,  thou  shalt  die  a 


SECOND  YEAR  205 

kingly  death !  Nor  would'st  thou  be  spared — only  to  sigh  among 
strange  harvests  soon  to  spring  around — to  sigh  for  the  shades  and 
shadows  and  touching  branches  and  kissing  leaves  of  departed 
trees !  No — thou  would'st  not  choose  to  survive  thy  race ! 

The  piles  are  sometimes  lighted  at  the  end  of  the  rolling; 
oftener  by  the  settler's  family  at  their  leisure.  To-day,  however, 
as  we  were  a  very  large  party,  and  had,  therefore,  finished  the 
rolling  early  in  the  afternoon,  it  was  resolved  that  immediately 
after  the  candidates  should  have  done  speaking,  all  the  heaps 
and  piles  should  be  kindled  at  once.  Now  to  their  praise  be  it 
forever 3  recorded,  that  both  John  and  Jerry  had,  as  their  friends 
allowed,  "worked  most  powerful  hard  and  steady :"  but  their  ene- 
mies must  determine  whether  this  diligence  was  out  of  disinter- 
ested love  to  the  settler,  or  with  a  single  eye  to  the  vote  of  the 
settler's  eldest  son,  who,  as  his  father  accidentally  remarked, 
would  be  entitled  to  a  vote  at  the  next  election.  Indeed,  as  the 
zealous  partizans  had  closely  imitated  their  respective  candidates, 
more  unfigurative,  practical  and  innocent  log-rolling  was  done  to- 
day than  was  ever  witnessed ;  and  I  secretly  made  up  my  mind 
that  our  next  log-rolling  in  Glenville  should  happen  just  before 
the  fall  election;  when  we  could  get  the  opposing  candidates  to 
lead  the  work.  It  is  not  improbable  that  our  host  to-day  had  had 
the  same  thought ;  at  all  events  our  candidates  certainly  sweat  for 
their  expected  honours ;  and  if  John  did  gain  them  he  worked  for 
them — but  Jerry!  alas!  he  toiled  in  vain!  and  alas!  it  blistered 
my  hands!  but  then  after  this,  I  was  unanimously  voted  "a  right 
down  powerful  clever  sort  of  a  feller!"  and  more  than  one  very 
pretty  young  woman,  "allowed  she'd  be  Mr.  Carltin's  second  wife, 
when  his  old  woman  died ! !" 

After  all,  candidates  are  of  some  use ;  and  the  great  majority  can 
do  more  good  in  natural  log-rolling  than  in  the  metaphorical  sorts 
common  among  the  dirk  and  pistol  law-givers  of  deliberative  as- 
semblies. Nay,  a  very  few  hundreds  of  rival  and  zealous  candi- 
dates would,  in  a  year  or  so,  if  judiciously  driven  under  proper 
task-masters,  clear  a  very  considerable  territory. 

The  candidate  4  to-day  stood  not  on  a  stump  to  make  his  address, 

3  In  a  finite  sense — the  life  of  this  book. 

4  Mr.   Jerry   Simpson   declined   speaking. 


206  SECOND  YEAR 

but  on  a  very  large  log  heap,  sustained  by  a  living  oak  more  than 
three  hundred  years  old ! — an  incident  to  me  full  of  interest.  Our 
first  speech,  the  first  of  the  sort  I  ever  wrote — the  first  he  ever 
uttered, — our  first  speech  was  poured  forth  over  the  ruins  of 
greatness — a  prostrate  wilderness!  The  youthful  speaker,  the 
dear  friend  of  many  years,  stood  on  a  funeral  pyre!  while  above 
him  waved  the  sheltering  branches  of  the  tree,  soon  to  be  sacri- 
ficed and  writhe  in  a  tempest  of  fire !  And  ours  was  the  first,  the 
last,  the  only  oration  ever  made  by  a  Christian  under  its  protec- 
tion! the  grand  old  tree  seeming  to  wonder  at  the  semi-civiliza- 
tion that  had  wrought  such  havoc  in  its  domain — while  it  knew 
not  that  the  ceasing  of  Glenville's  voice  would  be  a  signal  for 
lighting  the  fires ! 

The  speech  need  not  be  described.  It  was,  of  course,  rather 
ad-captandumish ;  well  written,  however,  but  still  better  delivered 
and  handsomely  varied.  Hence,  if  it  gained  no  new  votes,  it 
secured  the  old  ones.  And  that  is  no  light  praise,  where  a  word, 
a  look,  a  gesture,  or  even  a  smile  changes  votes;  not  to  lose  is 
then  to  gain.  The  new  settlers  acted  with  the  strictest  impar- 
tiality— they  divided  their  interest.  The  father  had  "know'd 
Jerry's  father,  and  often  heern  tell  of  Jerry  himself — and  so  he 
would  never  d'sart  an  old  friend;  but  the  son,  "darn'd-his  eyes 
(a  peculiar  kind  of  stitching)  if  he  wouldn't  go  for  Glenville ;  as 
cos  he  hisself  was  a  young  man,  and  so  was  tother — and  as  cos 
he'd  give  him  a  sort  of  start  in  his  clearing,  he's  give  him  a  sort 
of  start  as  a  public  funkshune'er."  And  thus  the  balance  of 
the  power  was  adjusted  to  a  nicety;  and  thus,  also,  if  the  new 
comers  did  neither  party  any  good  they  did  them  no  harm:  pay 
enough  for  a  hard  day's  work,  considering.  For,  certainly,  a 
wide  difference  must  appear  between  having  nothing  in  your 
favour  and  two  somethings  against  you,  and  so  it  was  now ;  hence 
John  and  Jerry  felt  (or  at  least  said  so)  as  much  gratitude  as  if 
they  had  received  not  a  negative  quantity,  but  a  positive  favour. 

Complacent  reader,  I  hope  you  never  sneer  at  sovereignty? 
Be  well  assured  it  can  sneer  at  you,  and  always  will,  if  you 
descend  in  any  way  to  be  a  slave.  Save  yourself  for  a  crisis — 
acquire  reputation  for  honour  and  integrity — and  the  people 
will  then  call  upon  you.  The  present  is  the  age  of  small  bugs. 


SECOND  YEAR  207 

The  speech  ended,  and  we  were  divided  into  Firing  Committees 
to  light  the  different  piles :  after  which  was  to  be  a  grand  supper 
previous  to  going  home.  Very  soon  then  at  each  heap,  were 
assembled  about  half  a  dozen  men,  which  in  all  directions  were 
tearing,  scampering,  screeching,  and  yelling  women,  boys,  girls, 
dogs  and  puppies — some  carrying  fire  on  clap-board  shingles — 
some  with  remnants  of  burning  niggering  sticks — others  with  dry 
and  blazing  wood — and  the  canine  helps,  some  with  sticks  and 
chips  in  their  mouths,  and  some  with  the  dead  snakes  and  pole- 
cats, so  that  almost  instantly  and  simultaneously  fires  were  kindled 
in  several  parts  of  each,  and  every  heap  and  pile  throughout  the 
whole  clearing.  Combustibles  had  been  built  in  with  the  piles; 
and  now  a  gentle  wind  was  fanning  all  into  devouring  flames. 
Yet,  after  the  first  sudden  and  crackling  blaze,  the  fires  sub- 
siding became,  at  a  short  distance,  barely  visible;  save  in  parts 
where  dry  logs  had  become  quickly  ignited,  and  there  a  taper- 
pointed  intense  flame,  shooting  up,  would  remain  fixed  a  few 
seconds,  and  then  trembling  from  its  own  gathering  fury,  it  would 
rise  higher  and  higher,  and  ever  expanding  its  base  as  it  elevated 
the  apex. 

But  by  the  time  our  feast  was  ended,  and  the  shadows  length- 
ening from  the  forest  told  the  coming  reign  of  darkness,  a  hundred- 
hundred  fierce  points  of  taper  flame  gleamed  in  wrath  from 
every  crevice,  or  darted  from  the  dense  clouds  of  black  smoke ; 
and  in  many  places,  several  points  had  united  their  bases,  and 
were  now  in  one  broad  fiery  mass,  careering  in  spiral  columns  of 
mingled  darkness  and  light.  Now  fiercer  winds  were  rushing  into 
the  vacuum.  The  equilibrium  disturbed  through  an  aerial  cir- 
cumference of  many  leagues  diameter,  the  storm  spirits  aroused 
and  excited,  came  flying  on  the  wings  of  a  sudden  earth  born 
tempest!5  This  augmented  the  number  and  intensity  of  the 
flames ;  and  these,  augmented,  invoked  in  their  madness  more 
furious  winds,  till  a  broad,  deep  and  awful  tide  of  air  poured 
through  the  clearing,  with  the  force  and  revengeful  roar  of  the 
hurricane!  and  up  leaped  all  the  fires  in  frightful  columns  of 
pyramids  of  living  flames  quivering  with  wild  wrath,  and  coiling, 

5 The  very  kind  in  which  the  Philadelphia  Storm-king  delights:  but 
he  did  not  raise  ours. 


208  SECOND  YEAR 

like  demon-serpents,  around  and  up  the  mighty  trees  that 
sustained  the  pyres!  Here  and  there  sheets  of  flame  thrown 
forth  horizontally,  and  seemingly  by  an  intervening  body  of 
smoke,  detached  from  the  mass  of  fire,  resembled  clouds  on  fire 
and  burning  up  from  their  own  lightning! 

No  breath  of  life  could  any  longer  be  drawn  in  that  field  of 
fire !  It  was  abandoned  as  a  wide  tumultuating  flood,  where  un- 
seen and  dreadful  spirits  held  a  terrific  revel  amidst  the  roar,  and 
crash,  and  thunder  of  flaming  whirlwinds ! 

Far  and  wide  the  forest  was  grandly  illuminated;  and  in  re- 
turning home  I  often  looked  back  and  saw  the  noble  trees  at  the 
pyres,  tossing  their  mighty  arms  and  bowing  their  spreading  tops 
for  mercy  and  succour — ay!  like  beings  sending  forth  cries  of 
agony  unheard  in  that  fiery  chaos !  Our  home  was  several  miles 
from  this  clearing,  but  the  next  night,  on  ascending  the  bluff 
on  the  creek,  we  could  yet  see  in  that  quarter  a  lurid  sky,  and 
now  and  then  fitful  gleams  of  brightness ;  and  even  a  week  after, 
as  I  passed  that  clearing,  the  arena  was  yet  smoking,  although 
nothing  remained  of  that  part  of  the  primeval  forest,  save  heaps 
of  ashes  and  a  few  blackened  upright  masses  that  for  so  many 
centuries  had  been  the  living  bodies  of  the  lately  martyred  trees ! 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 

"A  merrier  man 

Within  the  limit  of  becoming  mirth 
I  never  spent  an  hour's  talk  withal, 
So  sweet  and  voluble  is  his  discourse." 

READER,  will  you  be  asked  a  question? 

"Certainly." 

Do  you  ever  go  to  the  post-office? 

"What  a  question!" 

Well,  but  are  you  thankful  for  a  daily  mail?  ' 

"Pshaw!  I  never  think  about  it." 

Just  as  I  supposed.  I  was  such  a  thoughtless  person  myself, 
once.  Now,  however,  I  am  thankful  to  Uncle  Samuel  every 
time  I  walk  to  the  post-office. 


SECOND  YEAR  209 

In  our  part  of  the  Purchase  the  nearest  office  to  Glenville  was 
at  Spiceburgh,  always  nine  miles  off,  sometimes  two  or  three 
more.  To  that  office  the  mail — if  such  may  be  called  a  dirty, 
famished,  flapping,  scrawny  pair  of  little  saddlebags,  containing 
three  or  four  letters  in  one  end,  and  half  a  dozen  newspapers  in 
the  other — the  mail  came  regularly  (in  theory)  once  a  month,  till 
the  Hon.  J.  Glenville  exerted  himself  in  favour  of  his  constituents, 
and  then  it  came  very  irregularly  once  in  two  weeks.  Sometimes 
there  was  an  entire  failure  in  the  saddlebags'  arrival.  And  this 
was  occasioned  by  the  clerk  at  Woodville  office,  who,  whenever 
he  discovered  no  letters  for  Spiceburgh  retained  the  papers  for 
private  edification,  and  to  be  forwarded  next  mail :  at  least  Josey 
Jackson,  our  post-master,  said  so.  Sometimes  our  mail  failed 
because  of  high  waters;  although  our  post-boy,  Jack  Adams,  a 
spunky  little  chap,  would  often  in  such  cases  swim  over:  but 
then  the  half-starved  wallet  was  twice  washed  away,  and  when 
recovered,  the  news  in  both  letters  and  papers  was  too  diluted 
and  washy  for  any  practical  purpose. 

Reader,  it  was  truly  sickening,  after  waiting  four  endless  weeks 
with  the  most  exemplary  impatience,  and  after  toiling,  not  over, 
but  through  a  road  always  nearly  impassable,  and  when  passable 
full  of  peril  to  learn  that  no  mail  would  arrive  till  next  month ; 
or  what  was  even  worse,  that  it  had  indeed  come,  but  with  only 
one  letter,  and  that  maybe  for  the  Big-Bear-wallow  settlement ! 1 
The  faint  hope  that  sustained  one  in  the  lonely  and  wearisome 
path  now  became  despair !  and  yet,  all  that  wet,  long,  tangled  way 
to  repass !  and  no  mail  again  for  four  other  hateful  weeks !  No 
wonder  we  finally  ceased  from  all  correspondence,  contenting 
ourselves  with  hiring  a  man,  with  a  remnant  of  sole  leather,  to 
bring  our  newspapers  when  he  could  get  them :  which  luckily  he 
did  as  often  as  once  in  three  months !  No  wonder  during  all  our 
western  sojourn,  if  the  world  never  heard  of  us:  although  in 
this  we  had  a  very  ample  revenge,  as  in  that  time,  we  heard 
nothing  of  the  world,  and  I  think,  even  cared  less. 

But  this  autumn,  I  expected  a  letter  from  my  old  friend  Clar- 
ence; and  so,  on  a  delightful  September  morning,  off  I  started, 

1  All  things  out  there  are  big :  if  two  things  of  the  same  name  are  to  be 
distinguished,  one  is  called  big,  and  the  other  powerful  big. 


210  SECOND  YEAR 

confident  of  finding  his  letter.  The  road,  also,  was  less  bad,  and 
with  diligence  we  should  get  home  about  the  middle  of  the  after- 
noon. And  Dick,  too,  was  in  high  spirits;  for  he  always  re- 
garded as  a  holiday,  the  exchange  of  the  bark  mill  for  such  a 
jaunt;  and  he  now  trotted  among  the  bottomland  with  voluntary 
and  most  uncommon  speed  till  of  a  sudden  the  old  fellow  scented, 
or  sa'w,  or  heard  something  which  made  him  very  fidgetty  and 
uneasy. 

What  could  it  be  ?  Dick,  it  was  known,  had  some  finical  ways, 
but  he  was  now  manifestly  alarmed,  and  made  some  desperate 
attempts  to  wheel — when,  sure  enough,  a  strange  figure  emerged 
from  the  tall  rank  weeds  into  the  road  before  us,  and  continued 
to  move  in  front,  and  apparently  never  having  noticed  our  ap- 
proach. This  figure  was  undeniably  human;  and  yet  at  bottom 
it  seemed  a  man,  for  there  were  a  man's  tow-linen  breeches;  at 
top,  a  woman ;  for  there  was  the  semblance  of  a  short  gown,  and, 
indeed,  a  female  kerchief  on  the  neck,  and  a  sun-bonnet  on  the 
head!  Then  again  the  apparition  wore  enormous  masculine 
leather  boots,  and  under  one  arm  carried  a  club;  although  both 
of  the  hands  seemed  to  be  holding  above  the  hips,  rolls  of  woollen 
cloth,  very  much  like  a  furled  petticoat!  Whether  the  affair 
would  turn  out  a  man  dressed  in  woman's  upper  articles,  or  a 
woman,  in  man's  lower  ones,  was  yet  to  be  discovered.  The 
suspense,  however,  was  not  long;  for  at  the  noise  of  Dick's 
sneezing  (who  saw  how  matters  stood,  and  gave  warning  by  way 
of  delicacy),  the  hands  of  the  figure  instantly  relaxed  their  hold 
on  the  linsey  rolls  and  down  dropped  a  sudden  curtain  all  around 
over  breeches  and  boots,  in  the  shape  of  a  veritable  petticoat !  and 
before  us  walked  a  genuine  daughter  of  the  woods ! 

The  universally  favourite  attire  of  females  (indescribables) 
is  not,  we  presume,  to  be  traced  to  French  milliners,  male  or 
female.  It  originated  in  the  necessities  of  a  new  country,  where 
women  must  hunt  cows  hid  in  tall  weeds  and  coarse  grass,  in 
dewy  or  frosty  mornings.  And  to  that  is  owing  brief  frocks; 
although  out  there,  such  when  allowed  to  fall  to  the  natural  hang 
of  the  articles,  shut  from  view  the  indescribables — or  very  nearly 
so.  Dressed  thus  in  the  husband's  boots  as  well  as  his  thingamies 
(the  limbs  of  which  are  worn  as  our  fathers  wore  them  within, 


SECOND  YEAR  211 

and  not  without  the  boots),  our  fair  lady  this  morning,  bade  de- 
fiance to  wet  grass,  running  briars,  snake-bites,  ticks,  and  all 
and  every  evil  incident  to  cow-hunting! 

Of  course  we  exchanged  compliments  on  passing;  but  Dick 
was  so  dumb-founded  at  the  miraculous  transformation  on  the 
sudden  fall  of  the  screen,  that  he  shyed  and  passed  without  a 
word:  the  truth  is,  I  was  all  but  frightened  myself! 

I  need  not  tell  all  the  silly  things  that  entered  my  mind  at  the 
thought  of  such  an  exhibition  in  certain  places  and  assemblies — 
but  I  was  fairly  recovered  on  reaching  Spiceburgh;  and  the 
event  had  perhaps  rather  increased  my  good-nature,  and  encour- 
aged the  hope  of  finding  a  long-expected  letter.  On  approaching 
the  cabin-office,  and  while  hanging  Dick  to  a  gate  post,  a  glimpse 
caught  of  Josey  trying  to  escape  out  of  a  back  door  into  the 
woods  gave  me  a  sudden  pang;  for  this  was  Josey's  way  of  getting 
off,  when  there  was  no  letters  for  his  friends,  and  leaving  the 
matter  of  explanation  to  his  wife  as  he  "naterally  hated,"  he 
said,  "to  see  folks  so  powerful  disapinted."  But  I  was  too  quick, 
and  so  hailed: 

"Hillo!  the  house,  Josey!" 

"Ah!  hillo;  how  are  you?  come  walk  in — I  was  a  sort  of 
steppin  round  the  other  way — powerful  fine  day." 

"Very — Well,  Josey,  anything  this  time"  ? 

"Well — there  was  three  letters  and  some  papers  kim  day  afore 
yesterday — but  I  wan't  in — and  Polly,  she  put  them  away — and 
I  ain't  heern  her  say  that  thare  was  anything  for  your  settlement 
up  thare." 

"Why,  Josey,  one  must  be  for  me;  it  can't  be  possible  the  let- 
ter, that  a  month  ago  was  to  be  here,  is  not  come  this  mail !" 

"Well — I  should  a  sort  a  think  one  of  them  mought  be  the 
letter.  Glenville's  goin  a-head  most  powerful  in  this  part  of 
the  district — Jerry's  a  clever  feller — but  we  go  tother  way  down 
here:  if  Glenvile  gits  in,  we'll  try  old  Uncle  Sam,  and  have  the 
mail  twice  a  month  in  these  here  diggins." 

"Yes,  but  if  they  manage  no  better  at  Woodville  or  some 
other  place,  we  shall  only  be  disappointed  twice  a  month  instead 
of  once." 

"He!  he!  he! — yes — well,  let's  go  back,  Mr.  Carltin,  and  take 
a  look." 


212  SECOND  YEAR 

Josey's  wife  now  appeared  en  dishabille,2  being  occupied  with 
her  wash-tub  in  the  space  between  the  cabin  and  the  kitchen; 
when  Josey,  to  prepare  and  smooth  the  way  to  my  disappointment, 
said  to  his  lady: 

"See  here,  Polly!  don't  you  think  one  of  them  thare  three 
letters  mought  be  for  Mr.  Carltin?" 

"Nan!"  (she  heard  well  enough.) 

"Don't  you  think  one  of  them  thare  three  letters  what  kirn 
day  afore  yesterday,  mought  be  for  Mr.  Carltin?" 

"Well,  no,  I  don't  jist  exactly  mind — (remember) — but  I  a 
sorter  allow  maybe  perhaps  two's  for  the  Snake  Run  Sittlemint's 
folks" — (washing  away  as  if  the  article  was  very  hard  to  get 
clean) — "and  tother  was  tuk  out  more  nor  an  hour  ago." 

"Which  way,  Mrs.  Jackson,"  said  I,  eagerly,  as  a  glimmer  of 
hope  arose — "which  way  did  the  person  come — perhaps  it  was 
Tommy  Robison,  as  I  asked  him  the  other  day  to  call  here, 
and  - 

"Well — I  kind  a  sorter  think  as  maybe  perhaps  the  man  said 
the  letter  was  hissin — and  I  actially  seed  him  a  readin  on  it !" 
•  "Well,"  said  Josey,  very  tenderly — "let's  go  into  the  back 
room  anyhow,  and  overhaul  the  bureau — maybe  some  how  or 
nother  we  mought  a  overlooked  last  month — or  may  be  arter  all 
one  of  the  two's  yourn." 

The  back  room  was  a  closet  boxed  off  with  poplar  boards, 
its  junctures  pasted  over  with  strips  of  deceased  newspapers; 
and  it  held  a  bed  for  the  postmaster  and  mistress,  and — a  bureau, 
of  which  two  drawers  were  Uncle  Sam's  Cabinet,  the  top  drawer 
for  living  letters  and  papers,  the  second  (descending),  for  dead 
ones.  Into  this  sanctum  I  was  now  invited  out  of  compassion, 
with  the  privilege  of  rummaging  for  myself. 

First,  then,  the  live  drawer  was  jerked  out,  and  Josey  and 
myself  began  our  search  with  great  system  and  good  judgment, 
collecting,  as  a  preparatory  step,  all  the  living  newspapers  into 
one  corner,  and  which  amounted  to  nearly  two  dozens,  two  or 
three  with  envelopes  and  directions :  the  rest,  naked,  and  thumbed 
and  dying: — all  destined  I  fear  to  the  dead  drawer.  This  com- 

2  French,  for  being  caught  "in  the  suds." 


SECOND  YEAR  213 

pleted,  one  letter  only  remained,  instead  of  two,  and  that  sure 
enough  for — 

"Missus  Widder  Dolly  Johnsin,  head  at  Snake-Run — kere  of 
her  brother  near  Spiceburg" — (on  one  corner) — "case  he's  gone 
to  Orleens,  p.  m.,  send  it  to  the  Widder  herself." 

But  what  had  become  of  the  other  letter?  Josey  here  was 
much  disturbed,  as  he  knew  it  had  not  been  called  for.  At  my 
suggestion,  a  shaking  of  each  newspaper  was  commenced,  when 
pretty  soon  out  tumbled  the  second  one, — and  that  too,  for  Snake 
Run.  A  very  scrutinizing  search  was  next  instituted  under,  and 
into,  and  around  a  half-knit  stocking,  and  some  little  calico  bags 
nearly  full  of  squash  or  calabash,  or  cucumber  seeds ;  and  even  a 
square  box  half  full  of  roasted  store  coffee — but  no  chance  letter 
for  me  could  be  discovered.  I  was  about,  therefore,  to  go  away 
much  chagrined,  when  it  occurred,  that  as  a  living  letter  had  been 
concealed  in  a  dying  paper,  maybe,  a  letter  might  have  been  buried 
alive  among  the  defunct  articles  of  the  next  drawer:  and  accord- 
ingly a  request  was  made  for  a  peep  into  that  tomb.  To  this, 
Josey,  after  a  momentary  hesitation,  replied :  "Oh !  it's  no  use  no 
how — still,  if  it  will  satisfy  a  feller  crittur,  let's  have  the  over- 
haul :" — and  with  that  forth  came  the  repository  of  departed  news 
written  and  printed,  and  with  such  a  vengeance — (for  it  stuck  a 
little) — that  the  dead  things,  many  of  them,  bounced  into  the 
middle  of  the  room,  like  criminals'  carcasses  when  galvanized. 

Ah!  painful  sight!  that  drawer  like  other  graves  (in  some 
cities)  was  too  full! — it  contained  more  than  the  living  world! 
And  the  frightful  way  that  papers  and  letters  were  huddled, 
must  soon  have  killed  a  delicate  and  sensitive  thing — a  love  letter, 
for  instance,  if  by  any  mischance  it  had  come  down  from  the 
upper  drawer  alive!  Well,  we  rummaged — and  sftook — and 
tossed — and  pitched  for  a  good  quarter  of  an  hour,  till  out  leaped 
a  letter, — a  real  living  letter — folded  in  a  civilized  way — and 
actually  susperscribed : 

"Robert  Carlton,  Esq.  'Glenville  Settlement,  &c.  &c." — and 
post-marked — "Princeton,  N.  J." 

Josey  was,  of  course,  completely  mystified,  and  began  twenty 
awkward  apologies ;  but,  although  not  a  little  provoked,  I  was 
so  rejoiced  at  the  resurrection  of  my  letter,  and  Josey  was  so 


214  SECOND  YEAR 

sorry,  and  after  all,  so  clever  a  fellow,  that  he  was  cordially 
forgiven : 3 — and  that,  reader,  argues  me  not  spiteful. 

I  now  prepared  to  return  home:  and  just  then,  a  young  chap 
rode  by  on  his  way  to  Johnson's  store ;  for  Spiceburg  was  a  large 
village,  containing,  first,  Mr.  Johnson's  Store;  second,  a  black- 
smith's establishment :  and  third,  Josey  Jackson's  post-office,  which 
last  was  also  a  tavern,  and  now  becoming  a  kind  of  opposition 
store :  although  an  opposition  post-office  would  have  been  more 
serviceable,  both  to  town  and  country.  The  chap  named,  im- 
mediately hailed  me,  and  made  a  proposal  for  me  to  wait  till  he 
had  done  his  purchases,  when  we  could  ride  home  in  company. 
As  Sam  lived  in  an  adjoining  settlement,  and  I  really  wanted 
company  (to  say  nothing  of  political  news), — I  readily  agreed  to 
wait,  although  we  well  knew  it  would  be  some  hours  before  the 
bargains  were  concluded. 

In  a  New  Purchase  country,  "going  to  store"  is  as  much  for 
recreation  as  business,  and  preparation  is  made  as  for  any  other 
treat  or  amusement.  The  store  is,  too,  the  place  for  news,  re- 
cent and  stale — for  gymnastics,  wrestling,  pitching  quoits,  run- 
ning,— for  rifle  shooting — for  story-telling,  &c. — and  hence,  a 
purchaser's  stay  is  not  in  direct  ratio  to  his  intended  bargains, 
but  rather  in  the  inverse ;  a  fellow  having  only  six  cents  to  spend, 
will  sometimes  lounge  in  and  around  a  store  for  six  hours !  Nor 
must  even  that  be  wholly  imputed  to  the  fellow's  idleness.  It  is 
in  part,  owing  to  his  unwillingness  to  part  with — cash ;  and  when 
it  is  considered  how  very  difficult  it  was  then,  and  maybe  now,  in 
the  New  Purchase  to  get  hold  of  "silver,"  then  it  will  appear  that 
to  lay  out  even  a  fippenny-bit  must  have  become  a  matter  for  very 
solemn  reflection,  and  very  lengthy  chaffering.  In  my  time, 
rarely  indeed,  could  two  cash  dollars  be  seen  circulating  together ; 
and  having  then  no  banks,  and  being  suspicions  of  all  foreign 
paper,  we  carried  on  our  operations  almost  exclusively  by  trade. 
For  goods,  store-keepers  received  the  vast  bulk  of  their  pay  in 
produce,  which  was  converted  into  cash  at  Louisville,  Cincinnati, 
or  more  frequently  at  New-Orleans.  The  great  house  of  Glen- 
ville  and  Carlton  paid  for  all  things  in — leather.  Hence,  oc- 

3  My  friend,  R.  Carlton,  was  not  at  all  influenced  by  the  consideration 
that  Josey  intended" to  vote  for  Glenville.  C.  CLARENCE. 


SECOND  YEAR  215 

casionally  when  a  wood-chopper  must  have  shoes  and  yet  had  no 
produce,  but  offered  to  pay  in  "chopping,"  we,  not  needing  that 
article,  and  being  indebted  to  several  neighbours  who  did,  used 
to  send  the  man  and  his  axe  as  the  circulating  medium  in  demand 
among  our  own  creditors,  to  chop  out  the  bills  against  us.  In- 
deed, it  was  out  there  some  wise  statesmen  of  hard  currency 
memory,  learned  to  do  without  banks,  and  therefore,  wished  to 
let  the  neighbours  in  here  have  a  taste  of  their  experience :  although 
cash  seems  difficult  to  find  anywhere,  for  we  of  the  New  Pur- 
chase supposed  the  scarcity  owing  to  the  non-existence  of  banks, 
while  we  of  the  Old  Purchase,  attribute  the  scarcity  to  their 
existence.  For  my  part,  I  must  ever  think  the  leather  currency 
better  than  the  mere  paper  one ;  and  that  the  latter  although  not 
so  often  tramped  under  foot  as  the  other,  yet  still  more  de- 
serves it. 

My  friend  Sam  to-day  had  come  to  town  with  two  silver-fip- 
penny-bits,  and  a  roll  of  tow  linen;  and  he  intended  to  buy  four 
panes  of  glass,  8  by  ID'S,  half  a  pound  of  store-coffee,  eighth  of  a 
pound  of  store-tea,  one  quarter  pound  of  gunpowder,  and  a  pound 
of  lead:  also,  if  they  could  be  got  cheap,  a  string  of  button  moles 
and  a  needle.  Sam  prided  himself  on  being  a  hard  hand  at  a 
bargain,  and  Mr.  Johnson,  I  well  knew,  although  an  honest  man, 
was  a  prudent  dealer  and,  therefore,  I  determined  to  remain  in 
the  store  and  witness  the  trading.  The  colloquy  opened  thus, 
after  Sam  had  deposited  his  roll  of  linen  on  the  counter: 

"Well,  Johnson,  you  don't  want  no  tow  linen  to-day,  I  allow 
— do  you?" 

"If  'tis  good.     What  do  you  want  for  it?" 

"I  allow  to  take  half  trade  and  half  silver  as  near  about  as  we 
can  fix  it." 

"Sam,  you're  joking — we  don't  give  cash  for  anything  but 
pork  and  lard." 

"That's  powerful  stingy — well,  what's  this  piece  worth — it's 
powerful  fine." 

"This;"  (examining) — 'tis  pretty  good — 'tis  worth  ten  cents 
in  silver.  We  give  twelve  in  trade." 

"Ketch  a  duck  asleep ! — if  that  'ere  tow  linen  thare  aint  worth 
fifteen  cents  in  store-tea  or  coffee  ither,  I'll  bet  old  Nan — (his 


216  SECOND  YEAR 

rifle) — again  two-shot  gun!  Howe'er  I'll  track  round  a  little — I 
wants  any  how  to  go  over  to  the  post-office,  maybe  thare's  a 
paper  come." 

Now  this,  reader,  was  all  gum;  Sam  could  not  read  a  word. 
He  intended  this  as  a  threat  to  deal  in  the  opposition  store,  and 
Mr.  Johnson  so  understood  it :  in  fact  he  had  anticipated  such  a 
move,  and  for  that  purpose  had  underrated  the  linen,  intending 
to  raise  the  true  value  as  if  induced  so  to  by  Sam's  superior 
dexterity,  by  which  the  linen  would  be  secured  and  his  customer 
pleased.  And  therefore,  Mr.  J.  thus  answered: 

"Sam !  Sam !  you're  a  hard  Christian :  but  I've  large  payments 
at  Louisville,  and  you've  been  a  pretty  good  customer,  and  a 
cent  or  so  aint  much — and  rather  than  let  you  go  to  Josey's,  I'll 
give  you  thirteen  cents." 

Now  this  Sam  thought  just  one  cent  higher  than  the  linen  was 
worth;  yet  it  was  in  reality  precisely  half  a  cent  less — and  that 
other  half  cent  Johnson  intended  finally  to  give  him.  Hence 
when  Sam  replied,  "Well!  I  raythur  allow  as  maybe  perhaps 
Josey  would  a  sorter  give  fourteen  cents;  but  I  don't  like  to 
d'sart  old  friends,  and  so  says  I,  jist  gimme  thirteen  and  a  half 
cents,  and  it's  trade!"  it  was  what  Mr.  Johnson  was  prepared  to 
hear.  Accordingly,  after  affecting  to  consult  a  book  of  prices, 
(I  think  it  was  an  old  counting-house  almanac)  and  after  figur- 
ing away  at  the  double  rule  of  three  in  vulgar  fractions,  at  all 
which  Sam  stared  as  at  a  magical  operation,  Johnson  at  last 
looked  up,  and  scratching  his  head,  said : — 

"Let's  see — eight-sixteenths  is  four-eighths,  and  that  is  one 
half — and  half  is  two-fourths — and  five  per  cent — and  tow  linen 
at  a  discount — why,  Sam,  you'll  break  a  fellow  some  day  or 
other — still  I  can't  lose  more  than  a  fraction  of  a  cent  on  a  yard, 
and  I  must  not  let  you  go  to  Josey's.  Well,  I'll  give  thirteen  and 
a  half,  and  it's  a  bargain.  Now,  what  will  you  have?" 

"Well,  I'm  goin  to  see  how  the  new  skew's  comin  on — and 
you  may  measure  the  linen  till  I  get  back,  and  then  we'll  take  it 
out  in  something  or  nuther." 

And  with  that  away  went  Sam,  leaving  Mr.  Johnson  to  meas- 
ure off  the  piece;  for  while  he  affected  to  fear  the  storekeeper 
would  cheat  him  in  price,  he  never  dreamed  that  he  would  either 


SECOND  YEAR  217 

lessen  the  number  of  yards  or  miscalculate  the  sum  in  his  own 
favour.  Nor  was  his  confidence  abused,  for  Johnson  was  an 
honest  man,  and  had  only  used  indirection  to  come  at  the  true 
price,  because  of  Sam's  perverse  sagacity  in  bargains.  I  did  not, 
however,  stay  to  watch  the  measurement,  but  buying  a  sheet  of 
foolscap,  I  retired  to  a  back  room  where  I  answered  Clarence's 
letter,  so  unexpectedly  rescued  from  the  dead,  giving  him  among 
other  matters  a  condensed  statement  of  its  resuscitation. 

It  was  a  full  hour  before  Sam's  return ;  and  then  the  quantum 
suff.  of  tea,  coffee,  glass,  &c.  being  furnished,  the  balance  of  trade 
was  found  against  him,  and  he  owed  the  store  precisely  nine  and 
a  quarter  cents.  In  lieu  of  this  Mr.  J.  offered  to  take  one  of 
Sam's  silver  fips,  which  although  a  liberal  discount  in  Sam's  favour 
he  regarded  as  right  down  Jewish  usury ;  and  the  storekeeper  was 
obliged  to  book  the  nine  and  a  quarter  cents,  to  be  paid  in  ''sang." 
Nor  was  this  conduct  of  Sam's  so  very  surprising,  when  it  is 
recollected  that  for  one  hundred  and  twenty-five  cents  could  be 
bought  a  whole  acre  of  land!  bottom  land!  trees!  spice  bush! 
papaws!  and  all:  hence  to  ask  for  six  and  a  fourth  cents,  was 
asking  a  pretty  good  slice  off  an  acre !  Sam  was,  therefore,  really 
indignant. 

He  now  was  getting  ready  to  start  home,  when  spying  a  spring 
of  button-moles,  he  remembered  he  was  to  buy  a  fip'sworth ;  and 
supposing  a  prime  bargain  was  to  be  had  for  cash,  he  proposed  to 
pay  right  down  one  of  his  silver  pieces  for  the  half  of  the  string, 
worth  in  all  twenty-five  cents. 

"Come  now,"  said  he,  "Mr.  Johnson,  here's  the  silver  cash 
money,  right  slam  smack  down,  for  one  half  jist  of  that  'ere 
leetle  bit  of  a  string — " 

"Oh!  no,  Sam,  we  can't  go  that — I'll  give  you  so  far,"  replied 
Johnson,  measuring  a  minor  third. 

"Well — I've  traded  a  most  powerful  piece  of  linin  here  this 
mornin — and  I'll  be  teetotally  darned  if  I  won't  try  Josey,  and 
see  if  he  won't  give  me  more  moles  for  silver  cash  money." 

Our  storekeeper  well  knew  Josey  had  no  moles,  and  so  after 
a  feint  to  retain  a  customer,  he  let  him  go;  but  no  sooner  had 
he  got  out  of  hearing,  than  our  merchant  took  down  his  string  of 
moles,  and  laughing  as  he  slipped  off  nearly  half  into  a  drawer,  he 


218  SECOND  YEAR 

said  to  me,  ''Sam  will  be  back  directly,  and  then  I  mean  to  sell 
him  a  little  more  than  the  worth  of  his  fip."  He  then  suspended 
the  diminished  string  in  its  former  place,  and  shortly  after  Sam 
came  back,  and  began : — 

"Well,  I  don't  like,  arter  all,  to  d'sart  old  friends,  and  so  says 
I,  jist  gimme  one  half  of  that  darn'd  leetle  string — for  it's  time  me 
and  Mr.  Carltin  was  making  tracks  home." 

"Ah!  Sam,  how  shall  we  live  these  hard  times?  but  I  suppose 
if  I  must,  I  must — so  down  with  your  dust.  And  here's  a  full 
half — and  now  take  which  end  you  like." 

Sam  chose ;  and  then  the  dealer  stripped  off  the  half,  amount- 
ing to  a  good  eight  cents'  worth;  while  our  man  of  cash  pulled 
out  a  small  dirty  deer  skin  pouch,  and  untying  its  mouth,  he 
emptied  all  the  contents  on  the  counter,  viz :  two  silver  fips,  three 
"chaw'd  bullits,"  a  damaged  rifle  wiper,  four  inches  of  pigtail 
tobacco,  and  three  worn  gun-flints.  But  he  was  evidently  yet 
scarcely  determined  to  part  with  his  cash;  for  he  took  up  first 
one  and  then  the  other  fip,  apparently  more  than  once  about  to 
return  both  to  the  pouch,  and  offer  more  "sang:"  till  at  length, 
believing  he  had  got  nearly  double  as  many  moles  as  he  could 
obtain  for  "trade,"  he  handed  over,  with  the  air  of  one  making 
another's  fortune,  the  worse  looking  and  more  worn  fippenny 
bit  and  then  the  other  articles,  'together  with  the  button-holes, 
being  put  into  the  pouch  along  with  the  widowed  fip,  he  was  ready 
to  ride,  and  we  in  a  few  moments  more  were  on  our  way  home. 

My  comrade  was  in  high  glee  at  the  way  in  which  he  "had 
make  it  off  o'  Johnson,"  i.  e.,  the  way  he  had  just  got  the  worth  of 
his  money,  and  which  the  storekeeper  would  have  readily  given 
him  at  once,  without  so  much  plague  to  his  customer's  wits,  if 
Sam's  own  dexterity  had  not  seemed  to  make  the  indirection 
necessary.  I  too  was  in  high  glee,  hoping  to  secure  an  additional 
vote  for  our  candidate;  and  we,  therefore,  jogged  along  very 
harmoniously.  Nay,  as  it  was  now  becoming  dark,  I  yielded  to 
a  proposal  for  the  sake  of  company,  to  go  all  the  way  round  by  the 
Indian  grave,  that  being  the  proper  path  to  Sam's  settlement. 
This  reminds  me  of  my  promised  tale  of  the  Indian  grave;  to 
which,  after  ending  the  present  chapter  with  a  pleasant  little  ad- 
venture of  our  own  this  night,  the  next  chapter  will  be  devoted. 


SECOND  YEAR  219 

Not  long  after  our  quitting  the  three  blazes,  and  turning  into 
the  unblazed  trace  at  the  grave,  it  became  quite  dark;  and  we 
were  compelled  to  ride  in  Indian  file,  Dick  and  myself  in  the 
van,  Sam  and  his  quadruped  in  the  rear.  Be  it  remembered,  part 
of  his  purchase  was  (or  were  ?)  four  small  panes  of  glass,  intended 
to  illuminate  their  new  cabin,  and  make  its  native  darkness  visible 
in  the  day.  A  sort  of  window  had,  indeed  been  made  by  skipping 
a  log  in  the  erection ;  but  our  friends  had  begun  to  be  richer,  and 
it  had  been  lately  voted  to  have  a  sash  of  four  lights  at  ten  cents 
each,  it  being  most  specially  for  this,  the  twelve  yards  of  tow- 
cloth  had  been  woven,  and  this  very  day  sold  at  Spiceburgh. 
And,  even  now,  Sam,  the  eldest  son,  twenty-one  years  old  last 
Spring,  was  actually  riding  homeward  with  the  long  coveted  glass, 
done  up  in  two  sheets  of  coarse  demi-paper,  and  tied  across  two 
ways,  with  strong  pack-thread — yes,  all  safe  under  his  arm ! 

More  than  once  during  the  afternoon  had  he  introduced  the 
subject  of  glass  and  windows  and  every  conversation  would  be- 
gin and  end  with  a  self-complacent,  and  rather  lofty  look  at  the 
articles  under  his  arm — the  glass  by  which  their  cabin  was  to 
be  elevated  in  the  scale  of  architecture,4  and  the  family  established 
among  the  forest  aristocracy !  Once  or  twice  as  we  passed  an  old 
cabin  without  a  sash  window,  Sam  would  commence — 

"Mr.  Carltin,  I  allow  this  here  glass  here  of  ourn's  near  about 
the  right  size — aint  it?" 

"I  think  so." 

"Well — it  will  look  a  sort  a  powerful — hey?" 

"Very — we  had  a  sash  made  last  summer  and  it  helps  matters 
powerful." 

"He!  he!  he!" — (a  giggle  of  exquisite  satisfaction — like  the 
cackle  of  a  hen  that  has  laid  a  new  egg,  or  the  mild  squawking 
of  geese  just  emerging  into  the  dusty  road  from  a  hole  in  a  grain 
field  fence) — "he!  he!  he! — Mr.  Carltin,  ain't  it  a  sort  a  funny 
them  ere  settlers  what's  been  in  the  Purchus  longer  nor  us  ain't 
got  no  sashes? — I  allow,  it  looks  a  sort  a  idle  in  'em." 

But  now  as  we  rode  in  the  dark  a  fire  suddenly  gleamed  from 

4  Cabins  are  at  first  dark,  like  Grecian  temples  :  afterwards,  when  sashed, 
they  enjoy  a  religious  and  dim  light  like  Gothic  cathedrals — especially  if 
two  glasses  are  oiled  paper. 


220  SECOND  YEAR 

the  crevices  of  a  cabin,  upon  which,  Sam  with  wonderful  anti- 
cipative  exultation  halloed  from  the  rear — 

"Hillow !  Mr.  Carltin — that's  Bill  Tomsin's  cabin! — what  a  most 
powerful  heap  of  shine  his  'ere  fire  would  make  through  this 
here  glass  of  ourn  if  they  was  all  in  a  winder " 

To  this  Mr.  C.  made  no  reply,  for,  at  the  instant  his  neigh- 
bour's thoughtless,  blundering  brute5  of  a  horse  tripped  over  a 
root  on  his  nose!  and  away  went  his  rider,  not  indeed  out  of 
the  saddle,  but  off  from  the  blanket,  his  only  saddle!  and  alas! 
alas !  away  went  the  brittle  eight  by  ten's !  and  in  spite  of  the  forty 
cents  paid  in  tow  linen,  in  spite  of  Sam's  chagrin  and  almost  super- 
human efforts  to  save  them,  in  spite  of  the  woful  disappointment 
of  the  expectants  at  home,  the  whole  four  panes,  were  all  and 
each,  and  every,  so  cracked  and  broken  as  to  defy  all  emenda- 
tions from  dough  or  putty!  Yes!  in  one  short  moment,  and 
that  a  moment  of  triumph,  all  visions  were  dissipated — visions  of 
a  window  from  without,  and  visions  through  one  from  within ! 

Poor  Sam !  he  was  not  hurt  by  the  fall :  although,  I  do  believe 
for  a  moment  he  wished  it  had  been  his  arm  and  not  the  glass. 
And  certainly,  had  I  not  been  present,  he  would  have  abused  his 
unlucky  horse  in  very  irreverent  terms,  calling  him  as  it  was : — 

"A  most  powerful  rottin  darn'd  ole  carrin — for  to  go  to 
stumblin  and  smashin  glass  that  'are  away ! !" 

I  tried  to  console  my  neighbor  in  the  most  approved  way,  by 
telling  misfortunes  of  my  own,  and  at  last  did  bring  on  a  faint 
laugh — (much  like  one  person  makes  in  trying  not  to  cry) — by 
narrating  the  fall  of  our  waiter  of  glasses  but  still,  forty  cents 
worth  of  good  tow-linen  was  no  trifle  for  folks  in  my  comrade's 
humble  circumstance  to  lose;  and  I  did  so  pity  him  to  say  if  he 
would  ride  home  with  me,  we  would  give  him  an  extra  pane  pro- 
cured to  mend  our  own  sash  in  case  of  accident,  and  also,  three 
sheets  of  paper,  which,  when  oiled  and  fixed  according  to  direc- 
tions, would  answer  almost  as  well  as  glass  itself.  This  cheered 
him  up  a  good  deal ;  and  on  reaching  Uncle  John's,  a  search  was 
instituted,  and  to  our  great  satisfaction  two  panes  were  discovered, 
which  were  both  cordially  bestowed  on  our  friend ;  and  also  two 
sheets  of  foolscap,  with  directions  how  to  oil  or  grease  and  paste 

6  Terms   applicable  to  common   horses — not  to   Dick. 


SECOND  YEAR  221 

them  on  the  sash,  and  to  secure,  by  two  strings  diagonally  fas- 
tened, or  as  he  better  understood  it — "katterkorner'd-like." 

Sam  never  forgot  this  small  kindness.  Hence,  as  you  may 
easily  think,  reader,  not  only  did  he  vote  our  way,  but  he  became 
an  active  and  rather  violent  partizan  in  electioneering,  every- 
where giving,  too,  a  magnific  version  of  the  glass  and  paper 
story.  Nay,  on  the  election  day  he  overheard  a  person  saying 
to  another — "Yes,  John  Glenville's  well  enough — if  he  hadn't 
stuck  up  folks  around  him — and  that  brother-in-law  of  hissin, 
Carltin's  a  reel  'ristekrat — and  hates  poor  folks  like  pisin:" — 
upon  which  what  does  Sam  do,  but  forthwith  strip  off  his  coat 
and  break  in  with  his  doubled  fists  as  follows: — 

"See!  here,  I  say,  mister!  you're  a  most  powerful  darn'd  liar! 
now  jist  shut  up — 'cos  case  you  jist  go  for  to  say  that  say  agin — 
if  I  don't  row  you  up  salt  crick  in  less  nor  no  time,  my  name's  not 
Sam  Townsend." 

Happily,  my  complimentary  neighbour  had  no  wish  for  that 
pleasant  little  excursion — "up  crick,"  and  no  further  disturbance 
ensued.  I  would  merely  add,  that  passing  Sam's  cabin  a  few 
days  after  his  mishap,  I  had  the  pleasure  of  seeing  the  sash  in 
its  place,  with  two  glasses  in  the  lower  tier  and  two  papers  in 
the  upper:  and  to  be  sure  the  papers  were  sufficiently  greased; 
indeed,  so  well,  as  to  keep  out  light  as  well  as  water  and  air; 
although,  in  spite  of  our  use  of  "diagonal,"  and  its  being  rendered 
into  popular  language,  "katterkorner'd-like,"  the  strings  were 
inclined  to  perpendiculars  to  the  sides,  and  crossed  each  other 
almost  at  right  angles,  and  not  very  far  from  the  centre. 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

" neque  semper  arcum 

Tendit  Apollo." 
"Pleasure  after  Pain." 

WHEN  the  Indian  tribe  were  departing  from  the  New  Pur- 
chase, a  distinguished  chieftain  had  suddenly  died,  and  been 
buried  in  aboriginal  style  in  the  spot  known  in  our  settlements 
as  the  Indian  grave.  That  spot  I  could  never  pass  without  feeling 


222  SECOND  YEAR 

myself  on  hallowed  ground,  often  contemplating  the  scene  with 
indescribable  emotion — ay,  more  than  once  with  unbidden  tears. 
The  burial  place  itself  was  a  beautiful  natural  mound,  abrupt  on 
the  side  towards  the  county  road,  but  otherwise  of  a  regular 
shape  and  gradual  swell,  being  hardly  indeed  supposed  a  mound 
on  the  approach  by  the  Glenville  path.  On  the  summit  of  this 
mound  was  the  grave.  It  was  inclosed  by  a  fence  of  small  logs 
covered  with  poles :  while  a  rough  post  carved  with  Indian  hier- 
oglyphics and  its  point  or  top  painted  red,  marked  with  the 
warrior's  head  rested. 

This  place  was  too  far  from  Glenville  for  a  walk,  and  we 
never  hunted  in  that  direction,  but,  even  when  hurrying  on  a 
journey,  as  I  rode  by,  I  could  not  pass  till  I  paused  some  moments 
to  gaze,  and  with  a  melancholy  soul,  on  this  resting  place  of  the 
savage  king;  and  with  the  most  profound  sadness  and  shame, 
after  learning  that  this  wild  and  lonely  and  regal  grave  had  been 
violated ! 

Around  that  grave  had  stood  a  band  of  exiles  and  houseless 
wanderers — children  of  the  forest !  Trusting  to  the  white  man's 
faith,  they  had  asked  a  few  yards  of  earth,  where  but  the  day 
before  the  whole  mighty  wilderness  had  been  theirs — a  few 
yards  where  they  might  lay  in  his  rest  their  chief,  their  lawgiver, 
their  father!  Yes!  yes!  their  bitter  agony  of  the  soul  had  been 
felt,  although  proudly,  perhaps  sternly  concealed.  Mournful 
enough  to  bury  a  king  and  a  patriarch  in  a  borrowed  grave  yet 
was  it  some  alleviation  that  he  was  to  lie  in  no  dishonoured 
ground!  If  there  was  sadness,  there  was  grandeur  too,  in  the 
thought,  that  his  was  the  only  grave,  and  that  it  made  venerable 
and  sanctuary-like  so  large  a  forest  space! — ay,  that  for  long 
years  to  come  white  men's  children  would  point  and  say,  "Behold" 
that  little  mound  yonder! — that  is  the  grave  of  Blue  Fire! — 
the  mighty  Indian  warrior  and  chief !"  That  grave  would  remain 
a  monument,  speaking  to  successive  generations  of  the  pale  faces 
and  saying — "This  was  all  once  the  red  man's  land!" 

What  would  that  tribe  of  mourning  warriors  have  felt?  what 
would  they  not  have  done,  had  some  fierce  and  proud  apparition 
from  their  spirit-land,  revealed  that  the  base  sons  of  white  men 
would  despoil  that  grave  of  its  treasure,  even  before  the  impress 


SECOND  YEAR  223 

of  the  departing  exiles'  feet  should  be  covered  by  the  fall  of  the 
coming  autumn's  leaves?  Yet  so  it  was.  Reader!  the  poor 
Indian  is  often  cursed  for  his  indiscriminate  massacres — has  he 
no  provocation?  Do  not  civilized  and  nominal  Christian  men, 
with  deadly  weapons,  watch  near  the  sepulchres  of  their  fathers 
and  sons  to  wreck  sudden  vengeance  on  the  robbers  of  the  tomb  ? 
And  dare  we  condemn  the  poor,  hunted,  defrauded  Indian,  who, 
finding  his  father's  grave  desecrated  and  rifled,  cools  the  phrenzy 
rage  of  his  burning  soul  in  a  bath  of  white  man's  blood  ? 

Once  on  my  way  to  Timberopolis,  I  sat  gazing  and  dreaming 
on  my  horse,  near  that  sad  mound ;  when,  not  without  an  emotion 
of  fear,  I  saw  appear  a  large  party  of  mounted  Indians,  going, 
as  it  afterwards  was  discovered,  to  visit  the  Potawatamies  living 
on  a  reservation  in  the  north.  The  party  did  not  halt  at  the  grave, 
as  probably  they  would  have  done,  if  no  pale  face  had  been  there 
to  notice:  if  they  had,  although  no  sign  apparently  could  lead  to 
the  discovery  that  the  sacred  deposit  was  gone,  yet  should  I  have 
felt,  if  not  afraid,  yet  truly  ashamed.  Our  way  being  for  several 
hours  in  their  direction,  we  often  passed  and  repassed  one  an- 
other, and  occasionally  I  rode  among  the  party,  and  held  a  con- 
versation with  a  half  breed  that  could  use  a  little  English — till  at 
last,  they  encamping  on  the  bank  of  the  beauteous  and  silvery 
river,  once  their  own!  we  parted — my  way  leading  across  the 
stream  and  their  path  still  further  up  on  its  bank.  I  felt  a 
strange  wish  to  plunge  with  them  into  the  dark,  tangled  wilds  of 
that  vast  forest,  where  no  white  man  yet  lived — so  strong  is  the 
love  of  the  uncivilized  in  some  hearts ! 

But  to  our  story.  Several  years  prior  to  our  arrival  in  the 
Purchase,  two  young  men,  whose  youth  and  ignorance  is  their 
best  apology,  students  of  Dr.  Sylvan's,  on  hearing  of  the  burial 
of  Blue  Fire,  determined  so  soon  as  the  Indians  should  resume 
their  march  for  the  Mississippi,  to  take  up  the  body;  partly  for 
anatomical  purposes  and  partly  out  of  rash  boldness:  for  some 
nerve  was  necessary  to  the  work,  while  many  lagging  Indians 
were  yet  straggling  in  the  woods.  And  unhappily  for  our  honour 
they  succeeded  but  not  until  after  a  very  remarkable  interruption 
and  temporary  defeat.  And  that  defeat  is  my  story.  It  shall  be 
given,  however,  in  the  words  of  the  renowned  "Hunting-Shirt- 


224  SECOND  YEAR 

Andy,"  the  leader  of  the  party  that  terrified  the  resurrectionists, 
and  almost  to  insanity,  and  from  whose  lips  we  ourselves  received 
the  narrative. 

Be  it  premised,  that  at  the  time  of  our  story,  not  more  than  three 
cabins  were  between  Woodville  and  the  river;  that  on  their  side 
the  river,  the  nearest  house  from  the  grave  (on  our  side),  was 
more  than  three  miles,  and  beyond  a  wide  bayou  and  marsh, — it 
being  absolutely  necessary  in  passing  and  repassing  to  and  from 
Woodville  to  cross  the  river.1  In  many  places  were  fords,  and 
near  them  also  dangerous  holes  from  four  to  six  feet  deep;  and 
into  these,  not  only  inexperienced  travellers,  but  even  we 
neighbourhood  people  often  plunged;  and  hence  escape  from 
them  to  a  terrified  man  running  from  savages  would  be  almost 
miraculous.  On  our  side,  the  cabin  nearest  the  grave  was  two 
miles  up  the  river,  so  that  if  any  Indians  came  unexpectedly 
upon  the  young  fellows,  they  would  be  in  hazard  of  meeting  a 
pretty  summary  vengeance — and  not,  I  must  say,  wholly  un- 
undeserved. 

Our  narrator  was  called  Hunting-Shirt-Andy,  mainly  because 
he  lived  like  an  Indian,  and  always  wore  a  very  wonderful  leather 

1  In  his  letters  to  Nunemacher,  the  New  Albany  publisher,  in  1855, 
when  the  second  edition  of  the  New  Purchase  was  being  negotiated,  Hall 
speaks  of  the  Glenville  settlement  as  being  "about  three  miles  east  of 
Gosport  in  Monroe  county."  If  that  were  the  case,  White  River  (the 
"Shiney")  would  not  be  between  Woodville  (Bloomington)  and  Glen- 
ville, as  this  passage  seems  to  indicate.  According  to  this  passage,  "our 
side"  of  the  river  (Glenville)  must  have  been  north  or  west  of  Gosport 
in  Owen  county.  John  M.  Young  (Glenville)  was  elected  to  the  legisla- 
ture for  the  counties  of  Owen  and  Green.,  and  this  fact  would  seem  to 
prove  that  Glenville  Settlement  was  in  Owen  county  west  of  the  river. 
From  Bloomington  to  White  river  is  a  distance  of  sixteen  miles  and  it  is 
difficult  to  believe  that  at  so  late  a  period  only  three  cabins  could  have 
been  found  within  that  distance.  But  it  is  to  be  remembered  that  this 
story  came  down  from  an  earlier  period  than  Hall's  residence  in  the 
Purchase  and  that  the  first  settlers,  amid  dangers  from  the  Indians,  lived 
in  settlements  and  not  on  isolated  farms,  though  isolated  cabin  squatters 
were  found  here  and  there,  remote  from  all  other  dwellers.  The  events 
narrated  in  "Hunting-Shirt-Andy's"  story,  however,  could  not  have  been 
earlier  than  1819  when  Dr.  David  H.  Maxwell  moved  to  Bloomington. 
Gov.  P.  C.  Dunning  and  James  Maxwell,  the  Doctor's  "nevy,"  (see  the 
Key)  could  not  have  been  his  medical  students  earlier  than  that. 


SECOND  YEAR  225 

hunting  shirt — (his  second  hide  or  skin) — most  curiously  frilled, 
and  elaborately  ornamented  with  bits  of  skin,  birds'  and  beasts' 
claws,  and  porcupine  quills  dyed  red,  and  green,  and  yellow; 
and  also  to  distinguish  him  from  his  second  cousin  White- Andy,  so 
named  because  he  lived  like  the  rest  of  us  civilized  woodsmen  in 
a  cabin.  The  story  was  given  in  Uncle  John's  cabin,  at  the  united 
request  of  myself  and  the  others,  and  is  as  follows : — 

HUNTING-SHIRT-ANDY'S  STORY. 

"Well,  Mistur  Carltin,  if  you  reely  wants  to  hear  about  them 
two  young  fellers,  I  don't  kere  to  tell  about  that  Blue  Fire  scrape ; 
but  case  you  put  it  in  your  book,  don't  let  on  about  thare  namses — 
as  the  doctor's  nevy  is  a  most  powerful  clever  feller  and  tended 
me  arter  in  the  agy,  and  charged  me  most  nuthin  at  all,  although 
he  kim  more  nor  once  all  the  way  over  more  nor  twenty  miles — 
and  the  tother  one  what  got  most  sker'd,  is  a  sort  of  catawampus, 
(spiteful)  and  maybe  underhand  wouldn't  stick  to  do  you  a  mis- 
chief if  he  thought  you  made  a  laff  on  him. — albeit,  he's  been 
lafTed  at  a  powerful  heap  afore. 

"Well,  we  heern  the  two  was  a  comin  to  git  up  Blue  Fire,  and 
bile  him  for  a  natumy,  as  they  call'd  it ;  and  all  us  neighbours  was 
powerful  mad  about  it;  as  cos  couldn't  they  allow  the  poor  Injin 
to  lay  in  his  grave;  and  as  cos  the  Injins  still  a  sort  a  squattin 
and  campin  round,  mought  hear  on  it,  and  it  mought  n't  be  so  good 
for  folk's  consarns  then.  And  so  we  talks  over  the  thing,  and 
allowed  we'd  make  the  chaps  let  Blue  Fire  lay ;  and  so,  says  I  to 
Bill  Roland,  Bill,  says  I,  let's  you  and  me  make  on  to  be  Injins, 
and  skere  them  doctur  fellers ;  and  don't  let  them  go  for  to  bile 
the  poor  red  savage  for  the  natumy.  Agreed,  says  Bill,  and  then 
we  goes  and  gits  ole  man  Ashford,  and  fixes  up  like  reel  gineine 
Injins,  and  paints  our  faces  red  and  clean  up  our  arms,  away  up 
here  (showing),  and  all  on  us  gits  on  blankits  and  leggins  and 
moksins,  and  teetotally  greases  our  hair  back  so — slick-like,  and 
I  gits  a  bit  of  tin  round  my  hat,  and  we  takes  our  tomhoks  and 
rifles  and  puts  off  and  lies  hid  near  the  grave.  'Twas  just  thare, 
Mr.  Carltin,  along  by  the  black  walnut  stump  what  I  cut  down 
the  very  next  day  arter  for  rails  for  Bill  Tomsin's  yard.  Well, 
thare  we  all  on  us  lays  down  in  the  bushes  on  our  bellies,  a  little 


226  SECOND  YEAR 

over  fifty  yards  from  the  grave ;  for  we  know'd  the  young  fellers 
was  to  come  at  sich  a  time ;  cos  they  kim  to  Squire  Brushwood's 
the  night  afore;  and  the  Squire  he  sends  up  his  little  gal  to  ole 
man  Ashford's  afore  sun-up  to  sort  a  let  us  know :  and  so  we  was 
all  ready  when  what  should  we  spy  a  comin  but  the  two  young 
doctor  chaps  with  a  couple  of  hossis,  and  a  meal-bag,  and  a  spade, 
and  a  hoe. 

"Well,  we  lays  teetotally  still,  and  they  goes  fust  and  fassens 
their  hossis  to  the  swinging  branch  of  that  thare  sugar  west  o' 
the  place,  and  then  goes  and  begins  a  takin  down  the  pen,  and 
when  they  gits  it  down,  they  off's  coats  and  begins  a  diggin  like 
the  very  divil.2  And  jist  then  we  raises  up  a  sort  a  on  our  knee- 
ses ;  and  all  draws  a  bead  at  that  knot  in  that  thare  beech  at  the 
tail  ind  of  the  grave ;  I'll  show  you  the  knot  any  day,  and  you'll 
see  its  more  nor  half  a  foot  good  above  their  heads  when  they 
stood  up  agin  the  beech,  although  they  arterwards  tried  to  make 
the  knot  out  only  two  inches  above  their  heads ;  and  then  I  gives 
a  leetle  bark,  like  a  growling  Injin — and  up  they  pops  both  on  'em, 
right  under  the  beech,  and  looks  about  most  powerful  skittish, 
and  then  we  lets  fly  three  balls  crack-wack  right  into  the  knot, 
and  makes  bark  peel  right  sharp  in  that  'are  quarter;  and  then 
out  jumps  we  and  raises  the  yell,  with  tomhoks  agoin  to  fling " 

At  this  very  moment  our  narrator  was  interrupted  by  a  terrific 
burst  of  thunder,  which  shook  our  cabin  with  much  violence,  and 
caused  the  dry  clay  of  the  chinking  to  curl  up  in  dust  around  us 
like  smoke !  To  persons  shut  up  from  the  view  of  the  horizon,  it 
had  seemed  a  very  fair  afternoon  early  in  July ;  but  while  we 
listened  to  Andy,  a  single  cloud  surcharged  with  lightning  came 
over  our  clearing,  and  using  a  tall  tree  within  a  few  yards  of 
our  cabin  as  conductor,  it  had  darted  its  fiery  bolt,  which  shivered 
the  tree  into  pieces,  and  filled  us  with  a  momentary,  yet  very  in- 
tense fear:  and  then,  it  rapidly  passing,  our  few  rods  of  sky  was 
clear  and  brilliant  as  before.  After  a  short  and  revereful  pause, 
Andy  resumed: — 

"That's  a  most  mighty  powerful  big  clap  of  thunder,  and  most 
mighty  near !  but  it's  not  a  bit  more  skery  than  our  bullits  above 
them  two  young  doctors'  heads  and  the  reel  Injiny  yells  us  three 

2  Soft  way  of  swearing  out  there. 


SECOND  YEAR  227 

screeched  out!  The  way  they  drops  tools  and  made  tracks  was 
funny,  Mr.  Carltin,  I  tell  you!  You  see!  I've  seed  runnin  in  my 
days  that's  sartin — but  if  them  chaps  didn't  git  along  as  if  old 
Sattin  was  ahind  'em,  then  I  allow  I  never  killed  no  deer,  and 
that  would  be  a  wapper! 

"Well — they  divides,  and  the  doctor's  nevy,  he  tuk  strate  up 
stream ;  and  ole  man  Ashf ord  and  Bill,  they  pretends  they  was  a 
follerin  him — howsom'er  they  couldn't  a  ketch'd  up  no  how — 
and  so  the  nevy  he  runs  clare  up  two  miles  and  gits  safe  into 
Pete's  shanty  on  the  bottum,  and  sker'd  Pete  hisself  so  powerful 
he  was  afeer'd  to  come  down,  till  we  sends  up  and  lets  Pete  into 
the  secret. 

"But  tother  chap,  he  was  so  sker'd  he  didn't  see  where  he 
runn'd,  and  kept  right  study  ahead  slash  through  weeds  and 
briars  to  the  river — and  me  slam  smack  arter  him,  as  cos  I  was 
af reed  he'd  run  in  and  git  drownded ;  for  thar's  where  the  water 
is  deepish,  and  jist  about  where  you  swim'd  your  hoss,  Mr.  Carl- 
tin — and  so  I  runs  and  hollers  like  a  screechowl — 'stop! — doctur! 
— staw-u-up !'  But  the  more  I  hollers,  the  more  he  legs  it;  case 
he  was  more  nor  ever  sker'd  to  hear  a  Injin  holler  Inglish — 
Graminy!  Mr.  Carltin,  if  he  didn't  make  brush  crack  and  streak 
off  like  a  herd  of  buffalo ! — and  me  all  the  time  a  keepin  arter,  as 
I  was  sentimentally  afeer'd  now  he'd  git  drownded;  but,  darn 
my  leather  shirt! — (Andy  would  put  this  profane  stitch  into  his 
shirt  when  he  was  excited) — darn  my  leather  shirt,  if  arter  all  I 
could  make  him  stop;  and  in  he  splasht'd  kerslush,  like  a  hurt 
buffalo  bull,  and  waded  and  swim'd  and  splash'd  and  scrabbled 
even  ahead  rite  strate  across  and  up  tother  bank — when  he  stops 
for  the  furst  time  to  blow  and  takes  a  look  back!  And  then  he 
sees  me  a  standin  on  our  side  and  without  no  gun,  a  bekenin  on 
him  to  stop;  for  I  was  too  powerful  weak  a  laffin  to  holler  any 
more — but  darn  my  leather  shirt,  if  the  blasted  fool  didn't  set  off 
agin  like  a  tarrified  barr,  and  wades  clean  in  all  through  the  bio ! 
and  the  buttermilk  slash  tother  side !  and  never  stopt  again  till  he 
kim  to  the  three  mile  cabin !  and  thare  he  tells  them  as  how  the 
In j  ins  had  all  got  back  agin,  and  had  killed  tother  doctur  and  tuk 
his  skulp!!  And  you  may  naterally  allow,  Mr.  Carltin,  the  hull 
settlement  over  thare  was  a  sort  a  sker'd  and  sent  out  scouts  and 


228  SECOND  YEAR 

hunters  to  see:  but  when  it  was  found  how  it  all  was  ezactly, 
then  if  they  warn't  a  mighty  powerful  heap  of  laffin,  I  never 
kill'd  no  deer. 

"Howsever  the  Doctor's  nevy  was  good  pluck;  for  he  gits  an- 
other chap  to  help,  and  two  days  arter  when  we  warn't  a  watchin, 
he  digs  out  the  poor  Ingin  and  tootes  him  over  to  Woodville,  and 
biled  him  up  for  a  natumy  for  their  shop  arter  all — and  so  that's 
the  hull  story,  Mr.  Carltin; — but  I  must  be  a  sorter  goin.  I'll 
fetch  that  jerked  vensin  about  next  week — and  them  'are  deer 
skins: — but  afore  I  starts,  wont  you  jist  play  us  a  toone  on  that 
flute  of  yourn,  Mr.  Carltin?" 

"Most  certainly,  Andy — I'll  play  you  a  dozen  if  you  can  stay, — 
what  will  you  have?" 

"Well ! — let's  see — thare's  one  I  don't  mind  it's  name  now — but 
a  powerful  toone ;  I  heard  Mr.  Johnsin  fiddlin  on  it  at  Spiceburgh 
— but  there's  somethin  about  river  in  it,  and  it  was  talkin  of  the 
young  doctur's  splunge,  made  me  think  of  the  toone." 

"Was  it  this,  Andy?"— (Mr.  C.  plays.) 

"That's  him !  that's  the  dentikul  toone ! — let's  see — what  do  you 
call  him?" 

"Over  the  river  to  Charlie."  And  accordingly  this  "powerful 
toone"  was  done  now  in  first  rate  double-shuffle  style,  with  very 
curious  extempore  variations,  and  very  alarming  embellishments ; 
while  all  the  time  Andy  patted  the  puncheons  with  his  moccasin'd 
feet,  and  seemed  barely  able  to  refrain  from  leaping  up  and  danc- 
ing; till  the  music  ending,  he  remarked:  — 

"le!  lo!  darn  my  leather  shirt  if  I  didn't  know  'twas  river 
somethin! — and  by  jingo,  Mr.  Carltin,  if  you  don't  jist  about 
know  the  sling  of  it,  about  as  good  as  Mr.  Johnsin — and  maybe 
a  leetle  bit  better — and  the  way  he  makes  it  hum  on  the  fiddle ! — 
I  tell  you  what ! !  Well,  well, — I  must  be  goin,  but  I  should  like 
to  stay  and  git  you  to  play  that  'ere  meetin  toone,  Pisger, — 
(Pisgah,  a  great  favourite  then  with  our  religious  world,  but 
which  had  better  been  named,  Gumsnorter8) — but  I  can't  stop — 
I'm  off — good-bye,  folks." 

And  off  he  was  sure  enough;  while  I  treated  him  during  his 
exit  with  Yankee-doodle.  And  this  compliment  Andy  felt  so- 

3  Unless  classic  musicians  prefer  that,  or  a  like  term   for  the  genus. 


SECOND  YEAR  229 

much,  that  he  began  capering,  and  yelping,  and  tossing  his 
legs  and  arms,  till  he  reached  our  bars,  which  he  cleared  like  a 
bounding  buck  at  a  flying  leap :  but  within  the  bushes  beyond  he 
paused  a  moment,  and  gave  first,  an  Indian  grunt  and  bark,  and 
then  such  a  yell ! — it  rung  in  my  ears  for  twenty- four  hours?  Then 
once  more  he  leaped  away,  shaking  the  bushes,  scattering  old 
leaves,  making  brush  crack,  and  at  the  same  time  screaming  out — 
"Sta-up,  doctur! — sta-a-aup!"  in  all  which  he  designed  a  scenic 
exhibition  of  his  late  story;  playing  like  other  celebrated  actors 
different  parts,  first,  his  own  Indian  character,  and  secondly,  the 
flight  of  the  young  doctor. 

Reader ! — do  you  believe  life  is  all  moping  in  the  West  ?  Now 
be  well  assured  we  have  other  recreations  there  than  going  to 
church — the  only  one  certain  hie  vel  haec  English  tourists  grant 
to  us  and  never  use  themselves ! 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 

"Quack!    Quack!!    Quack  ! !" 

Vide  Voices  of  Natural  History. — VOL.  X. 

NOT  many  weeks  after  Hunting-shirt-Andy's  visit,  a  very  great 
and  yet  very  little  stranger,  for  some  time  expected,  arrived  at 
Glenville.  Her  name  not  before,  but  after  this  arrival,  was  Eliza- 
beth Carlton :  and  she  bounced  in  among  us,  after  all,  by  surprise, 
and  about  two  o'clock  one  morning.  A  curious  figure  somewhere 
had  been  missed,  and  the  young  lady  gave  an  unexpected  notice  in 
some  mysterious  way  of  her  intention  to  join  our  colony,  precise- 
ly one  week  too  soon :  a  common  case  I  am  informed  with  all  that 
have  the  right  of  primogeniture ;  others,  are  better  arithmeticians. 

It  had  been  arranged  that  our  worthy  friend  Dr.  Sylvan  of 
Woodville,  should  honour  Glenville  with  a  visit  on  this  occasion : 
but  now,  about  nine  o'clock,  p.  M.,  Dick  was  scampering  away  at 
the  nominal  rate  of  six  miles  per  hour,  towards  Spiceburgh,  with 
a  pressing  invitation  for  the  company  of  the  learned  Professor 
Pillbox,  a  member  of  the  faculty,  and  who  boarded  with  our 
friend  Josey,  P.  M.1  This  change  of  medical  gentlemen  arose 

1  Let  no  one  think  Josey  was  P.  M.  in  both  senses :  the  sentence  might 
have  been  altered  to  prevent  this  injurious  mistake,  but  it  was  found 
easier  to  add  a  note. 


230  SECOND  YEAR 

from  the  urgency  of  the  case,  as  Spiceburgh  was  not  so  far  as 
Woodville.  No  one  in  this  very  enlightened  era  can  possibly 
think  we  trusted  Dick  to  deliver  the  request — (although  if  a 
four-legged  being  could  have  done  so,  Dick  was  he  or  it) — but 
still,  to  prevent  misapprehension  and  the  sarcasm  of  the  increas- 
ing critical  acumen  of  the  times,  we  now  state  that  John  Glen- 
ville  went  with  Dick ;  and  hence,  about  three  o'clock  in  the  morn- 
ing, they  returned,  having  secured  the  professor  and  another 
horse. 

This  person — (of  course,  the  doctor) — not  being  honoured 
with  any  other  skin  or  parchment  than  the  one  he  was  born  in,  we, 
like  the  Great  Unknown,  the  North  American  College  of  Health 
of  Yankeysville,  do,  by  the  native  right  of  every  white-born 
American,  our  ownselves  dignify  with  the  title  of  Professor. 
And  never  was  title  more  appropriate,  as  he  professed  even  more 
than  Brandreth's  Pills!  He  could  cure  warts! — eradicate  corns! 
— remove  pimples ! — and  obliterate  moles  and  freckles.  He  knew 
how  to  destroy  beards  so  as  to  prevent  shaving — and  how  to 
fertilize  the  most  barren  skull  till  it  would  produce  a  large  crop 
of  black  hair,  in  case  you  preferred  that  to  red,  yellow,  or  flaxy ! 
Ay,  he  had  never-failing  remedies  for  fevers  of  every  type,  grade, 
and  colour — intermittent,  remittent,  nonitent,  bilious,  antibilious, 
rebellious,  red,  saffron  and  yellow !  Hence,  the  Professor  utterly 
and  most  indignantly  scouted  Thompsonianism  and  all  other  loud- 
screaming  quackeries  of  our  quacking  epoch: — and  setting  the 
highest  value  on  number  one,  he  cared  not  for  number  six. 

His  language,  in  bold  contrast  to  his  figure,  was  by  that  very 
comparison  heightened  in  its  magniloquence ;  we  mean  his  medi- 
cal diction,  for  other  he  rarely  indulged  in,  because  language  about 
common  affairs  was  too  small  for  his  large  utterance.  His  were 
lofty  words,  and  demanded  a  lofty  subject ;  and  that  his  profession 
was,  and  admitted  an  amazing  technical  grandiloquence.  Pro- 
fessor Pillbox,  M.D.,  was  exactly  one  yard,  one  foot  and  ten 
inches — low.  The  Professor's  horse,  on  the  contrary,  was  re- 
markably high,  large  and  spirited.  When,  therefore,  the  Pro- 
fessor was  seated  on  his  saddle,  and  safely  ensconced  between  two 
hugeous  leathern  cartouch-boxes  made  for  bottles,  barks,  lint, 
forceps,  &c.,  and  above  all,  for  the  pills  and  powders,  and  the  like 


SECOND  YEAR  231 

cartridges,  for  his  principal  execution,  he  seemed  not  dissimilar 
to  a  monkey-shaped  excrescence  growing  to  the  back  of  the  steed ! 
Now  his  modus  loquendi  was  truly  gigantic !  and  not  only  did  he 
always  spout  forth  the  hardest  technicalities,  but  even  these  laden 
with  additimentalities  and  elongated  elaborifications  of  sesqui- 
pedalia:  which  last  he  would  freely  have  bought  of  us  if  not  for 
silver,  yet  for  trade  and  in  exchange  for  what  he  always  styled 
his  "medicamentums !" 

Poultices,  with  Professor  Pillbox,  were  always  cataplasms — and 
the  patient  who  had  only  barked  his  shins,  was  always  greatly 
terrified  on  hearing  that  "there  was  manifest  symptomatic  mani- 
festations through  the  outer  exterior  epidermis  of  his  having  in- 
fracted the  tibia !" — for  the  poor  wretch  at  once  gave  over  his  legs 
as  ruined  after  that  awful  sentence  on  them!  Doses  of  salts  were 
never  mixed  with  water  and  swallowed  in  our  Professor's  prac- 
tice, but  he  "prepared  an  aquatical  solution  of  the  sulphate  of 
magnesia,  and  then — exhibited  it !" — i.  e.  made  the  patient  look 
at  it  before  he  drank.  In  this  way  the  disagreeable  taste  was 
properly  increased,  and  so,  to  speak  in  style,  the  "medicamentum 
seemed  to  act  with  still  greater  potential  efficacity:" — for  in- 
deed, some  robustious  stomachs  out  there  that  would  never  have 
budged  at  the  plain  dose,  were  pretty  well  stirred  by  "an  aquatical 
solution!" — proving  the  virtue  of  words. 

Our  friend  never  bled  a  man — he  only  "opened  a  vein!" — nor 
did  he  ever  feel  a  pulse  without  parading  a  huge  silver  watch, 
and  seemingly,  with  the  care-worn  and  ominous  brow  of  Jupiter, 
(in  Virgil,)  to  be  counting  the  motions  of  the  second  hand: — 
a  curious  contrast  to  Death  with  an  hour-glass !  although  to  some 
nervous  patients  nearly  as  frightful. 

One  of  our  neighbour  women,  who  was  often  ailing,  used  to 
send  for  Aunt  Kitty  to  tell  her  what  the  Doctor  means;  whence 
Aunt  Kitty  came  to  be  regarded  as  "high  larn'd  as  the  little 
doctur  hisself,"  and  was  elsewhere  in  demand  as  "the  little 
doctur's  intarpretur :"  but  she  always  resisted  persuasions  "to  set 
up  docterin"  herself,  telling  the  folks  "one  old  woman  was  enough 
in  the  Purchase." 

An  honest  woodsman  went  once  with  a  severe  tooth-ache  to 
Spiceburgh,  when  the  Professor,  after  a  long  examination  of  the 


232  SECOND  YEAR 

patient's  mouth,  declared  with  a  very  solemn  little  phiz  that,  "an 
operation  in  dental  surgery  seemed  necessary  in  order  to  extract 
two  of  the  principal  molares!" — At  which  the  affrighted  sufferer 
said,  "he  was  in  powerful  pain,  and  didn't  kere  to  let  the  Doctur 
pull  out  a  couple  of  his  darn'd  rottin  back  teeth — but  he'd  rather 
bear  the  tooth-ache  a  hull  year  nor  have  the  dental  suggery  or 
the  principal  mol'lerees  ither  done  on  his  mouth."2 

The  Professor  did  not  rely  on  symptoms  in  the  morbid  body 
itself:  for  instance,  he  rested  not  satisfied  with  the  inspection 
of  the  tongue,  which  he  always  had  protuded  instead  of  vulgarly 
put-out  of  the  mouth ;  but  he  wisely  kept  two  keen  eyes  on  the 
watch  for  external  symptoms,  being  well  disposed  to  that  way  of 
judging,  which  determines,  if  a  saddle  is  under  the  bed,  that 
the  person  in  the  bed  is  sick,  or  dead,  from  eating  the  horse. 
Hence,  on  the  present  occasion,  he  came  at  once  to  a  very  infal- 
lible judgment  of  the  case,  wholly  by  external  symptoms;  for 
on  hearing  an  infantile  cry,  which  had  commenced  just  an  hour 
before  his  arrival,  and  broken  out  at  intervals  since,  he  instantly 
concluded,  and  without  feeling  any  body's  pulse,  or  inspecting 
any  body's  tongue,  or  asking  a  question,  but  with  a  very  grand 
and  imposing  air,  said — "that  the  lady  was  as  well  as  could  be 
expected!"  But  he  learned,  however,  a  very  useful  piece  of 
knowledge,  viz. — that  there  is  at  least  another  thing  beside  time 
and  tide  that  waits  for  nobody. 

Still,  it  was  quite  edifying  to  witness  the  anxious  bustling,  and 
to  hear  the  learned  remarks  of  our  dwarf  Esculapius ;  who  among 
other  things,  was  constrained  to  acknowledge  that — "unassisted 
nature  had  yet  mighteous  potential  efficacity  of  her  own  intrinsic 
internal  force,  and  that  she  sometimes  required  only  the  co- 
elaborate  aid  of  a  skillful  practitioner  to  conduct  to  a  felicitary 
tendency  her  wonderful  designs !"  Hence  "he  would  only  order 
now  the  exhibition  of  a  few  grains  of  his  soporific  sleep-producing 
powder,  to  induce  a  state  of  somnorific  quiescence ! !" — because  he 
was  decidedly  of  opinion  that  "with  proper  care  and  no  misfor- 
tunate  reactions,  the  lady  would  without  dubiety  become  con- 
valescent in  the  ordinary  time ! ! !" 

2  Finally,  one  tooth  was  pulled,  the   other  broken  off — and  half   and 
half,  as  all  Steam  doctoring  does — cures  one  and  kills  another ! 


SECOND  YEAR  233 

And,  would  you  believe  it,  dear  reader? — all  came  to  pass 
precisely  as  he  predicted! — and  stranger  yet  to  tell,  without  the 
aid  of  the  soporific  powder!  For  that,  by  a  blameable  negligence, 
Mr.  C.  himself,  who  was  charged  with — the  exhibition,  never 
mixed!!  But  then  to  atone  and  for  fear  some  living  creature 
might  accidentally  swallow  the  exhibition  all  at  once,  and  so 
sleep  too  long,  we  very  considerately  the  next  day  put  the  whole 
paper  of  somnorific  quiescence  into  the  fire. 

In  the  morning  after  a  very  early  breakfast,  Professor  Pillbox, 
having  received  the  usual  fee  for  his  invaluable  aid  in  enlivening 
the  western  solitudes,  leaped  with  amazing  agility  on  his  moun- 
tainous horse;  which  he,  indeed,  styled  "a  quadrupedal  convey- 
ancer;" and  was  quickly  peering  over  his  cartouch-boxes  on  the 
way  to  Spiceburgh. 

But  reader! — beware  of  calling  this  mighty  little  personage 
a  quack:  for  he  had,  if  not  a  diploma  from  a  college,  a  regular 
license  from  the  State ! 3  Oh !  the  potential  efficacity  of  a  true 
Republican  legislature !  What  can  it  not  achieve  ?  By  a  mere 
vote,  or  a  legal  wish  and  volition,  it  can  out  of  nothing — yes, 
ex-nihilo ! — or  next  to  nothing  create  any  and  every  man  a  lawyer 
— a  physician! — a  teacher!  or  even  a  Jack-ass!!  And  these 
creations  all  become  the  greatest  of  their  sorts! — greater  even 

3  The  progress  of  Indiana  within  a  hundred  years  has  been  marked  in 
no  way  more  than  in  the  changed  standards  of  the  medical  profession.  It 
is  now  required  of  the  regular  medical  practitioner  that  he  shall  have  had 
a  high  school  course,  two  years  of  collegiate  training,  and  he  must  hold  a 
certificate  of  training  from  a  reputable  medical  school  of  accepted  stand- 
ing. He  must,  in  addition  to  these  requirements,  undergo  an  extensive 
and  rigid  examination  by  a  State  Medical  Board.  But  it  is  still  true  in 
Indiana,  under  the  Constitution  of  1851,  that  the  only  qualification  required 
for  membership  in  the  legal  profession  is  the  same  as  that  required  of  the 
shyster  and  the  quack  in  Hall's  day, — the  same  as  that  now  required  of 
the  saloon-keeper, — "a  good  moral  character."  Repeated  attempts  have 
been  made  to  amend  the  Constitution  in  this  respect,  but  the  "lawyers' 
amendment"  has  always  failed,  owing  to  the  indifference  of  the  voters 
and  the  extreme  difficulty  of  amending  the  Constitution.  A  favorable  vote 
of  the  majority  of  all  the  electorate  is  required.  Since  there  is  in  the 
Constitution  of  the  State  no  restriction  on  the  Legislature  with  reference 
to  the  requirements  for  the  medical  profession,  quackery  has  been  success- 
fully attacked  by  legal  enactments. 


2,34  SECOND  YEAR 

than  the  very  legislators  that  first  made  them! — streams  getting 
higher  than  their  fountain! 

No,  no,  reader,  our  Professor,  like  others  of  the  kind,  had 
so  great  an  abhorrence  of  quackery,  that  he  would  not  allow 
Josey  Jackson,  his  landlord,  to  keep  a  single  duck!  And  two 
years  after  the  Hon.  J.  Glenville's  services  ended,  when  Profes- 
sor Pillbox  himself  was  sent  to  the  House,  he  had  influence  suffi- 
cient to  procure  by  a  unanimous  vote  the  passage  of  the  follow- 
ing resolution,  and  which  remained  in  full  force  when  we  left 
the  Purchase : — viz. 

"Resolved : — that  no  quacks  but  those  that  are  licensed,  shall 
recover  the  amount  of  their  medical  fees  by  law." 

Vide  Journals  of  the  House,  VI.  Fol.  p.  95. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 
"Instant  in  season  and  out  of  season." 

THE  future  historian  of  the  Western  church  may  learn,  from 
this  chapter,  that  the  company  of  believers  of  which  Mr.  Hilsbury 
was  a  bishop,  whenever  about  three  or  four  such  can  be  found, 
form  an  ecclesiastical  court,  with  spiritual  jurisdiction  over  a 
given  district.  A  court  of  this  kind  was  constituted  this  autumn 
in  Glenville  at  the  episcopal  residence.  The  smallest  legitimate 
number  of  clergy  composed  it,  and  every  reverend  gentleman  was 
honoured  with  an  office: — Mr.  Hilsbury  was  made  President, 
Mr.  Shrub,  of  Timberopolis,  Clerk,  and  Mr.  Merry  (a  bishop,  in 
transitu),  Treasurer.  And  thus  was  shown,  after  all,  the  prac- 
ticability of  Locke's  celebrated  Fundamental  Constitution  of 
Carolina,  found  impracticable  in  Sayle's  province, — the  offices 
and  dignities  requiring  every  man  in  the  colony. 

Mr.  Welden,  Sen.,  and  some  other  excellent  old  woodsmen, 
had  seats  as  lay  delegates.  These,  however,  managed  only  the 
secular  business  of  the  Assembly;  for  instance,  such  as  to  bring 
in  a  pitcher  of  water,  keep  a  small  fire  alive  on  the  hearth,  and 
contribute  each  twenty-five  cents  cash  to  the  sub-treasury.  Far- 
ther east,  I  am  told,  lay  delegates  are  even  more  useful,  volun- 


SECOND  YEAR  235 

teering  to  let  down  bars,  open  gates  and  the  like,  between  the 
lodgings  of  the  clergy  and  the  chapel  where  the  court  is  in  ses- 
sion. Normally,  it  is  said,  the  lay  and  clerical  delegates  are  on 
equal  footing  in  the  House,  both  having  a  right  to  talk  either 
sense  or  nonsense  as  long  as  they  see  fit ;  and  yet,  in  practice,  the 
lay  members  are  not  considered  as  on  a  par  with  the  clerical 
ones.  For  instance,  in  debates,  discussions  and  so  forth,  the 
commoners  are  never  called — brother,  except  collectively  under 
the  appellation,  brethren;  and  even  then  prime  reference  is  in- 
tended to  the  clergy.  But  the  commoners  are  termed  variously, 
as  "the  worthy  person  or  member" — "the  good  old  man  that  has 
just  spoken" — "Esquire  Cleverly" — "Lawyer  Counselton,"  &c., 
&c. :  yet  mostly  they  are  all  spoken  to  and  about  as  plain — 
"Mister." 

In  my  wanderings  I  have,  indeed,  stumbled  into  assemblies 
of  their  sort  composed  of  Misters  and  Brothers,  where  qualified 
lay  gentlemen  chose  freely  to  exercise  their  privileges,  and  where 
"the  person"  or  "the  worthy  old  man"  has  so  spoken  and  argued 
a  subject  as  to  lead  the  assembly  to  adopt  measures  much  more 
common-sense-like  and  democratical  than  some,  and  especially 
the  "younger  brethren"  at  first  contemplated.  Nay,  an  acute  and 
eloquent  Mister  occasionally  would  be  seen  to  demolish  a  rash 
brother;  or  in  our  parlance  out  there — to  use  him  up.  Hence, 
being  myself  a  reformed  democrat,  this  admixture  of  Misters 
and  Brothers  in  ecclesiastical  Houses,  did  upon  the  whole  then 
strike  me  as  the  best  and  very  best  form  of  religious  associations 
for  our  republican  institutions ;  and  then  it  occurred  that  if  the 
lay  delegates  would  always  qualify  themselves  properly  and  use 
judiciously  and  boldly  all  their  ecclesiastical  privileges,  that  both 
State  and  Church  would  even  be  more  benefited  than  ever  by 
these  true  republican  bodies.1 

We  beg  leave  now  to  introduce  more  especially  to  the  reader, 

1The  clergy  of  such  bodies  do  earnestly  insist  on  all  this  in  their  lay 
delegates,  both  for  religious,  and  secular  and  state  reasons ;  and,  it  may  be 
added,  that  when  the  reader  ascertains  what  ecclesiastical  bodies  have  done 
most  for  civil  liberty  and  universal  freedom,  he  can  venture  to  guess  at 
the  body  in  our  text, — Hall's  note. 

The  ecclesiastical  court  here  referred  to  was  that  of  the  Wabash  Pres- 
bytery constituted  in  Rev.  Isaac  Reed's  cabin  in  1822  or  1823  by  Reed, 
Bush,  and  Hall.  Here  "Mr.  Merry"  plays  the  part  of  Hall.— J.  A.  W. 


236  SECOND  YEAR 

the  President  of  the  Court,  the  Rt.  Rev.  Brother  Bishop  Hilsbury. 
Besides  being  pastor  of  the  Welden  Parish,  he  was  missionary 
bishop  over  a  vast  diocese,  through  which  he  was  ever  riding, 
preaching,  lecturing,  praying  and  catechising,  and  beyond  which 
he  often  made  excursions,  to  bestow  gratuitous  and  extra  labour 
on  the  Macedonians — i.e.  wilderness  folks  that  had  no  bishop  to 
care  for  them.  His  public  discourses  averaged,  therefore,  one  a 
day,  to  say  nothing  of  baptisms,  visits  to  sick,  funeral  services, 
cum  multis  aliis :  and  the  miles  he  rode  were  about  one  hundred 
each  week,  or  somewhere  near  five  thousand  annually! — indeed, 
like  other  laborious  missionaries  in  the  West,  he  lived  on  horse- 
back. And  when  at  home,  a  few  days  each  month,  he  retired  not 
to  his  study,  as  he  fain  would  have  done,  but  he  betook  himself 
to  his  cornfield :  and  not  rarely  he  wielded  an  axe  in  his  clearing 
or  deadening — working,  in  short,  not  like  "a  nigger,"  but  a  galley 
slave.  Negroes,  under  kind  and  judicious  masters,  work  only 
little  more  than  half  of  every  day;  a  western  bishop  works  all 
day  and  part  of  the  night.  Brother  Hilsbury  was  in  many  perils 
— in  the  wilderness — in  the  flood — and  among  false  brethren ;  we 
subjoin  a  specimen  of  each  sort :  and 

Firstly — we  are  to  discourse  of  the  Wilderness.  Part  of  an 
unsettled  forest  was  once  to  be  crossed  by  him  to  reach  a  new 
settlement  where  he  had  engaged  to  bestow  some  extra  clerical 
labour.  The  path  was  nearly  impassable;  and  at  sunset  he  was 
alone  in  the  wilds,  and  more  than  fourteen  miles  from  the  in-  • 
tended  place.  About  dark,  he  came  to  a  deserted  Indian  hovel, 
where  he  resolved  to  "put  up,"  rather  than  "camp-out"  or  travel 
in  the  dark;  and  accordingly  he  dismounted,  stripped  his  horse 
and  secured  him  by  halter  and  bridle;  and  then  had  barely  time 
to  get  under  the  shelter  of  the  half-roofless  shantee,  before  a 
tempest,  long  gathering  its  pitchy  blackness,  burst  around  in 
floods  of  rain  and  flashes  of  keen  fire  with  its  appalling  thunder. 
By  the  glare,  however,  of  the  lightning,  a  rude  clap-board  bed- 
stead was  discerned  fastened  to  a  side  of  the  hut,  and  on  this 
fixture,  after  feeling  with  the  end  of  his  whip  if  any  chance  snake 
was  coiled  in  that  nest,  our  primitive  bishop  laid  his  saddle  and 
other  gears;  and  then  on  and  surrounded  by  these,  passed  that 
dreary  night  as  comfortably  as — possible;  and  hungry,  wet,  and 


SECOND  YEAR  237 

melancholy.  Having  thus  spoken  briefly  to  our  first  head,  we 
pass  to  the  consideration  of  the  second  thing  proposed,  which 
was 

Peril  by  Flood.  Here,  by  way  of  preface,  it  may  be  remarked, 
that  reverend  gentlemen  intended  for  New  Purchase  bishoprics, 
ought  unto  all  their  Christian  gifts  and  graces  to  add — the  art  of 
swimming.  For  want  of  this,  Bishop  H.  was  in  jeopardy  oft  of 
his  life.  Indeed,  considering  his  inability  to  swim,  he  was,  my 
dear  brethren,  a  little  rash ;  for  in  his  company  we  have  several 
times  come  to  creeks  broad  and  muddy  with  "back-water"  from 
a  neighbouring  river,  where  the  speaker,  although  a  swimmer, 
refused  to  enter;  but  our  bishop  either  having  more  faith  or 
more  courage,  would,  spite  of  all  remonstrances,  plunge  in,  horse 
foremost,  venturing  on  till  the  turbid  waves  reached  his  saddle 
skirts  and  the  tail — (of  his  horse) — began  to  float!  And  that 
being  symptomatic  of  a  swimming  head — nay,1  of  a  whole  body 
—our  friend  would  return  but  still  reluctant :  and  we  would  then 
proceed  up  the  stream  till  beyond  the  influence  of  the  back  water. 

At  the  time  of  his  perilous-peril,  Mr.  H.  was  in  company  with 
the  Rev.  Mr.  Widdersarch,  who  also  could  not  swim.  A  large 
creek  was  raging  with  its  swollen  waters  across  their  way,  ren- 
dering it  necessary  to  cross  or  return;  unless  like  ^Esop's  wise 
man  they  should  wait  the  subsidence  of  the  flood.  But  that  might 
be  a  long  time  yet,  the  waters  still  rising;  and  beside  it  was 
absolutely  necessary  to  go  on — as  it  always  is  when  people  are 
going  anywhere,  especially  a  western  minister,  who  usually,  after 
riding  many  long  miles,  and  fording  and  swimming  many  dan- 
gerous creeks,  to  keep  with  punctuality  a  gratutious  appointment, 
finds  at  the  preaching  cabin  a  large  congregation  of  — six :  viz.  the 
man  and  his -wife,  with  three  little  children  and  a  help.  For,  of 
course  this  thimbleful  of  folks  would  be  too  disappointed,  if  the 
minister  came  not!  And  hence,  valuable  men  feel  bound  to  be 
punctual  out  there,  always  at  the  risk  of  their  health,  and  not 
rarely  their  very  lives.2 

2  These  pages  bring  out  very  vividly  the  perils  of  the  early  wilderness 
life  and  the  sacrifices  which  the  early  Christian  ministers  on  the  forest 
frontier  had  to  undergo,  and  the  courage  and  devotion  with  which  they 
met  the  dangers  confronting  them. 


238  SECOND  YEAR 

The  discussion  in  the  present  emergency  soon  ended  by  the 
plunging  of  both  brethren  into  the  water;  deeper,  indeed,  than 
had  been  presumed!  How  deep  was  difficult  to  say,  the  horses 
for  some  reason  or  other  beginning  to  swim  immediately  on  en- 
tering the  creek — perhaps,  however,  unlike  Dick,  they  could  not 
resist  a  bloated  stream  till  the  water  went  over  their  backs !  Every 
thing  proper  and  customary  was  done  with  the  ministerial  legs 
to  keep  the  limbs  dry ;  yet  at  the  first  souse  those  important  ap- 
pendages were  unpacked,  all  their  capabilities  being  required  to 
hold  on  the  riders — and  nothing  was  now  visible  above  the  turbid 
waters  save  two  snorting  horse  heads,  followed  by  two  human 
heads  and  busts. 

And  now  the  saddle-bags  of  Mr.  Widdersarch,  not  being  rightly 
secured  to  the  stirrup-leathers,  floated  off  the  saddle,  and  like 
hard  ridden  demagogues,  went  down  with  the  stream;  upon 
which  the  owner  not  only  made  a  very  desperate  and  very  unsuc- 
cessful effort  to  arrest  the  articles,  but  was,  alas!  by  that  very 
effort  himself  soused  headlong  into  the  boiling  waters!  How, 
Mr.  Widdersarch  could  never  tell,  yet  at  the  moment  of  his  fall — 
(like  Palinurus  grasping  part  of  a  helm  in  a  fall  from  another 
poop) — he  felt  and  clutched  with  drowning  energy,  the  floating 
tail  of  his  horse ! — and  holding  to  that  he  was  carried  safely  till 
his  feet  rested  on  the  bottom.  During  all  this  Mr.  Hilsbury  was 
in  advance ;  but  while  he  heard  the  fall  and  the  cry  of  his  friend, 
he  could  render  no  assistance,  having  the  greatest  difficulty  to 
retain  even  his  own  seat;  and  by  the  time  he  had  reached  the 
opposite  bank  in  safety,  his  friend  could  stand  on  the  earth  with 
his  head  above  water ;  seeing  then  the  saddle  bags  whirling  in  an 
eddy,  Mr.  H.  hurried  with  a  long  pole  to  a  point  whence  it  was 
thought  the  leathery  apparatus  could  be  arrested.  In  his  eager- 
ness to  hook  the  bags  he  leaned  over  the  bank,  that  treacherous 
bank  gave  way,  and  our  excellent  bishop  himself  was  now  strug- 
gling for  life  in  the  whirlpool ! 

He  was  a  man  more  than  six  feet  high ;  yet  in  vain  did  he  try 
to  stand  on  the  bottom  of  this  maelstrom,  and  hold  up  his  head 
in  the  world ! — until  driven  violently  against  the  bank  he  managed 
with  coolness  certainly,  if  not  presence  of  mind,  to  clutch  in  one 
hand  some  roots  in  its  side  and  with  the  other  and  his  feet  to 


SECOND  YEAR  239 

stick  to  its  mud,  till  Mr.  Widdersach,  now  landed,  hastened  to 
his  assistance.  In  the  meantime,  the  saddle-wallets  despairing 
of  all  rescue  had  taken  fresh  start  for  some  other  port;  but  our 
involuntary  baptists  running  with  poles  to  the  next  headland, 
were  there  successful  with  their  baitless  bobbing,  and  had  the 
satisfaction  of  rescuing,  and  maybe  from  a  watery  grave,  the 
well-soaked  conveniences!  And  so  ends  our  second  lesson. 

The  last  trial  was  one  of  equanimity  and  patience — more  diffi- 
cult to  endure,  however,  than  the  other  sorts.  Our  friend,  as  has 
been  intimated,  was  forced  to  work  literally  with  his  own  hands. 
On  one  occasion  he  was  ploughing ;  when,  to  save  his  feet  from  in- 
jury,  he  had  encased  or  buried  them  in  a  pair  of  ungainly  cow- 
hide shoes,  with  exterior  seams,  like  those  of  a  hose  (viz;  a 
leather  fire-engine),  such  as  no  primitive  apostle  ever  wore,  and 
most  modern  eastern  parsons  certainly  never  saw.  They  had, 
indeed,  been  made  at  our  tannery  by  a  volunteer  shoe-maker 
(such  as  a  legislature  will  create  some  of  these  days,  when.it  is 
determined  by  them  that  every  man  may  be  his  own  shoemaker,) 
so  that  they  looked  for  all  the  world  as  if  they  were  vegetables 
and  had  grown  on  a  shoe-tree!  Mtorever,  our  clerical  plough- 
man, like  Cincinnatus,  had  on  no  toga,  and  was  in  the  state  boys 
call,  barelegged,  or  to  speak  with  modesty  and  taste,  his  limbs 
were  destitute  of  hose  (or  hoses.) 

Now,  in  this  "fix,"  will  any  man  of  broadcloth  and  French 
calf-skin,  conjecture  that  our  Rector's  outer  man  exhibited  signs 
of  worldly  pride?  And  yet,  my  dear  brethren,  the  keen  eyes  of 
a  parishioner  saw  pride  in  those  shoes ! 

"Impossible !  unless  it  was  deemed  a  pharisaical  humility,  or 
a  papistical  penance." 

No,  no!  but  on  the  contrary,  the  penance  was  not  deemed 
severe  enough:  for  this  Christian  mister  on  finding  his  bishop 
thus  ploughing,  reported  through  the  whole  diocese  that — 

"Mr.  Hilsbury  was  a  most  powerful  proud  man,  as  he  actially 
ketch'd  him  a  ploughing  with his  shoes  on!" 

I  conclude,  therefore,  this  discourse  by  asking  you,  dear  breth- 
ren, what  would  have  happened  if  the  Rt.  Rev.  Bishop  Hilsbury 
had  in  preaching  sported  a  white  handkerchief  and  black  silk 
gloves?  or,  horrible  dictu  (i.e.  tell  it  not  in  Gath)  had  he  worn 


240  SECOND  YEAR 

ruffles?  Be  assured  we  had  some  rough  and  hard  Christians  out 
there  who  would  have  deemed  him  an  emissary  of  Satan,  and 
one  that  deserved  burning  on  a  log-heap! 

Permit  me  next  to  introduce  the  clerk  of  the  court — Bishop 
Shrub.  Of  this  gentleman  we  shall  merely  say,  that  if  a  pro- 
found and  an  extensive  acquaintance  with  all  the  important  and 
various  subjects  of  ecclesiastical  learning,  together  with  uncom- 
mon research  in  most  other  kinds ;  if  the  command  of  elegant 
style  in  writing,  and  the  power  of  rich  and  copious  elocution  in 
preaching;  if  a  pious  and  a  conscientious  mind,  an  ardent  zeal 
in  the  service  of  his  Master,  and  incessant  labours  for  the  good 
of  men;  if  the  most  engaging  and  winning  manners  in  conver- 
sation; if  all  these  and  similar  excellences,  possess  charms,  then 
would  the  reader  have  rejoiced  to  know  Bishop  Shrub,  and  would 
have  classed  and  cherished  him  among  the  most  highly  estimated 
friends. 

As  Mr.  Merry  will  speak  for  himself  in  this  chapter,  the  reader 
may  say  what  he  thinks  of  this  person  after  reading  his  Buckeye 
Sermon,  delivered  at  Forster's  Mill. 

Among  the  dogmata  of  the  New  Purchase  Council,  it  was 
ordained  that  Brothers  Shrub  and  Merry  should  perform  a  mis- 
sionary tour  of  some  weeks  between  41  °  and  42°  N.  latitude,  and 
in  a  region  destitute  of  any  spiritual  instruction ;  a  region  indeed 
almost  destitute,  it  proved,  of  inhabitants  too,  the  thin  "sprinkle" 
having,  in  all  probability  sought  a  place  free  from  all  trammels, 
political  as  well  as  ecclesiastical.  The  brethren  took  neither 
purse  nor  scrip,  and  expected  no  present  reward  farther  than  the 
pleasure  of  doing  good;  and  yet  they  laboured  as  if  in  expecta- 
tion of  being  at  the  end  of  the  tour,  thrown  into  a  modern3 
bishop's  see — not  of  glass,  but  of  silver  and  gold  and  other  clink- 
ing evils.  Having  myself  long  desired  to  visit  the  country  now 
laid  out  as  missionary  ground,  I  begged  permission  to  join  the 
party ; 4  which  request  being  cheerfully  granted,  away  we  started 
as — missionaries — hem!  See  then,  reader,  "how  we  apples 
swim !" 

During  the  excursion,  three  discourses  were  delivered  daily, 

8  A  real  rite-dity  church  and  state  bishop. 

4  "Merry"  was  Hall.    The  author  here,  as  in  other  places,  speaks  in  a. 
way  to  lead  to  disguise. 


SECOND  YEAR  241 

the  ministers  alternately  preaching,  and  the  time  being  usually 
10  o'clock,  A.M.,  2  o'clock,  P.M.,  and  5  o'clock  in  the  evening.  In 
proceeding  up  the  river  (the  Big  Gravelly)  appointments  were 
left  for  our  return,  and  also  sent  on  before  us,  by  any  chance 
person  found  going  towards  the  polar  circle.  Nor  even  did  any 
one  show  reluctance  to  bear  the  message ;  although  on  overtaking 
once  a  woodsman,  and  begging  him  to  name  some  place  where 
we  could  preach  next  day,  at  10  o'clock,  he  replied: — 

"Well,  most  sartinly,  I'll  give  out  preachin  for  any  feller-crit- 
turs  whatsever — and  Forster's  saw-mill  is  jist  about  the  best  place 
in  all  these  parts — but  I  sorter  'taint  no  use  no  how  much,  as 
folks  in  them  diggins  isn't  powerful  gospel  greedy."  And  then, 
excusing  himself  from  hearing  Bishop  Shrub  that  same  evening, 
he  rode  suddenly  down  an  abrupt  bank  of  the  river,  and  plunged 
into  water,  barely  admitting  his  large  horse  to  go  over  without 
swimming,  yet  he  faithfully  made  the  appointment  for  his  "feller- 
critturs"  at  the  mill,  although  of  our  neighbour  himself  we  never 
saw  more. 

Our  churches  of  course,  were  usually  cabins,  our  pulpits  chairs ; 
but  the  church  at  Forster's  saw-mill  deserves  special  commem- 
oration from  the  odd  oddity  of  the  place,  the  audience,  and  the 
sermon  by  Brother  Merry. 

The  church  was  literally  in  the  mill;  nor  was  this  a  frame 
building  painted  red,  with  flocks  of  pigeons  careering  round,  or 
perched  on  its  dormer  windows,  or  strutting  and  billing  and 
cooing  and  pouting  along  the  horizontal  spout ;  while  on  a  neigh- 
bouring elevation  stood  a  commodious  stone  house,  the  owner's 
and  mason's  names  handsomely  done  on  a  smooth  stone  near  the 
summit  of  its  gable ;  and  smiling  meadows  stretched  away  along 
the  dancing  waters — concomitants  rendering  a  mill  so  enchanting 
in  old  countries !  no :  no : — here  was  a  naked,  unplanked,  saw- 
mill! a  roof  of  boards  twisted,  warped  and  restless,  on  the  top 
of  a  few  posts;  the  prominent  objects  being  the  great  wheel, 
the  saw  itself,  and  the  log  in  the  very  act  of  transition  into  plank 
and  scantling! 

No  human  dwelling  was  in  sight,  and  it  was  afterwards  found 
that  the  owner  and  his  men  lived  three  miles  from  the  mill ;  that 
they  went  home  but  once  or  twice  in  the  week,  eating  during  the 
day,  when  hungry,  of  cold  corn  and  pork,  and  sleeping  during 


242  SECOND  YEAR 

the  night  in  the  smuggest  corner  of  the  mill-shed,  and  drinking 
both  day  and  night  when  thirsty  or  otherwise,  freely  of  water 
and — whiskey.  For  prospect  around  was  an  ugly,  half-cleared 
clearing,  with  piles  of  huge  logs,  not  to  be  burned,  however,  but 
sawed.  The  dam  was  invisible.  A  large  trough  conducted  a 
portion  of  the  Big  Gravelly  river  to  its  scene  of  paltry  labour; 
and  there  the  water,  after  leaping  angrily  from  the  end  of  its 
wooden  channel,  and  indignantly  whirling  a  great  lubberly,  ill- 
made,  clattering  wheel,  as  in  derision  of  its  architect,  hurried  im- 
patient along  a  vile  looking  ditch,  half  choked  with  weeds  and 
grass,  to  remingle  with  the  sparkling,  free  stream  below! 

Meeting,  then,  was  to  be  held  on  a  few  loose  planks,  con- 
stituting the  floor,  laid  ad  capsisum!  The  pulpit  was  to  be  the 
near  end  of  the  log,  arrested  for  a  time  in  its  transformation  to 
lumber ;  while  at  the  far  end  was  to  be  the  congregation — at  least 
the  sinners,  who  might  sit,  or  lean,  or  recline,  or  stand,  as  suited 
convenience.  The  congregation  was  big  of  its  size,  consisting  of 
the  saw-miller,  Mr.  Forster,  and  Mr.  Forster's  two  men — and 
also,  three  hunters,  who  accidentally  hunting  in  the  neighbour- 
hood, had  chanced  to  stop  just  now  at  the  mill — in  all  six  sinners ; 
more,  however,  than  are  allowed  in  a  Puseyite  cathedral,  where 
conversions  are  unfashionable! 

As  we  rode  up,  a  few  minutes  before  ten  o'clock,  the  saw  was 
gnashing  away  its  teeth  at  the  far  end  of  the  log,  nor  did  it 
cease  till  we  had  entered  the  shed;  and  then,  the  owner  unwill- 
ingly stopped  the  performance,  seeming  by  his  manner  to  say — 
"Come,  let's  have  your  preaching  powerful  quick,  the  saw  wants 
to  be  cutting  agin."  This  was  far  from  encouraging,  yet  Mr. 
Merry,  whose  turn  was  to  preach,  began  his  preparations,  ob- 
serving in  a  conciliatory  way,  that  he  would  not  hinder  his  friends 
very  long,  but  that  we  felt  it  would  not  be  right  to  pass  any  settle- 
ment where  the  neighbours  were  kind  enough  to  give  us  an  op- 
portunity of  preaching.  The  preacher's  manner  so  far  won  on 
our  sullen  congregation,  that  Mr.  Forster  and  two  others  took 
seats  in  a  row  on  their  end  of  the  log;  while  two  leaned  them- 
selves against  the  saw-frame,  and  one  against  an  adjoining  post: 
Brother  Shrub  and  Mister  Carlton  sat  among  the  saints  at  the 
pulpit-end  of  the  log,  like  good  folks  and  penitents  in  churches 
with  altars. 


SECOND  YEAR  243 

In  this  combination  of  adverse  circumstances,  great  as  was 
our  confidence  in  Mr.  Merry,  who  was  as  used  to  this  sort  of 
matters  as  are  eels  to  skinning,  we  feared  for  his  success  to-day. 
Yet  he  began  seemingly  unembarrassed,  holding  a  small  testa- 
ment, in  which  was  concealed  a  piece  of  paper,  size  of  a  thumb, 
and  pencilled  with  some  half  a  dozen  words  constituting  the 
parson's  notes!  And  notes  in  the  New  Purchase  and  the  ad- 
jacent parts  are  always  concealed  by  preachers  who  use  them; 
for  the  use  of  such  argues  to  most  hearers  there  is  a  want  of  heart 
religion ;  beside  that  no  place  is  found  in  our  pulpits  to  spread  out 
written  discourses.  To  have  used  in  Forster' s  mill-meeting  to- 
day, any  other  than  the  thumb-paper  just  named,  would  have  been 
considerably  worse  than  ridiculous — it  would  have  deserved  a 
scratch  or  so  from  Mr.  Forster's  saw-teeth ;  or  what  is  next  to  it, 
a  scourging  from  Lord  Bishop  Baltimore. 

Brother  Merry  quickly  perceived  that  even  the  plainest  and 
almost  child-like  topics  with  suitable  language  and  illustrations 
failed  to  preserve  his  spectators'  attention.  One  man  began  to 
look  at  the  ditch  where  now  the  water  was  trickling  along  with 
a  subdued  voice;  another,  to  cut  a  clapboard  with  his  scalping 
knife;  and  Mr.  Forster  looked  wistfully  at  his  saw,  evidently 
more  desirous  to  hear  its  music  than  both  our  preachers'  voices 
together.  Something  desperate  must  then  be  attempted  to  arrest 
attention,  or  hope  of  doing  good  at  present  abandoned.  For 
while  true  that  men  cannot  hear  without  a  preacher,  it  does  i?ot 
follow  that  they  will  always  hear  with  one :  and  hence  Mr.  Merry, 
after  some  vain  attempts  to  convert  spectators  into  auditors,  sud- 
denly stopped  as  if  done  preaching,  and  as  if  talking,  commenced 
thus  :— 

"My  friends  and  neighbours  don't  you  all  shoot  the  rifle  in 
this  settlement?"  That  shot  woj  central:  it  even  startled  the 
Rev.  Shrub  and  myself.  The  man  using  up  the  clap-board  looked 
like  an  excited  dog — his  very  ears  seeming  on  full  cock;  and 
Mr.  Forster  was  so  interested  that  he  answered  in  the  affirmative 
by  a  nod.  "So  I  thought.  No  hardy  woodsman  is  ignorant  of 
that  weapon — the  noble  death-dealing  rifle.  Ay!  with  that  and 
the  bold  hearts  and  steady  hands  and  sharp  eyes  of  backwoods- 
men, what  need  we  fear  any  human  enemies."  (Approving 


244  SECOND  YEAR 

smiles  from  all  accompanied  with  nods  and  winks) — "And  no 
doubt  you  all  go  to  shooting  matches?" — (Assent  by  a  unanimous 
nod  and  wink) — "Yes !  yes !  it  would  be  strange  if  you  never 
went.  Now,  my  dear  friends,  I  have  no  doubt  some  of  you  are 
first-rate  marksmen,  and  can  drive  the  centre  off-hand  a  hundred 
honest  yards."  (Here  one  man  on  the  congregational  end  of 
the  log  stood  right  up,  and  with  a  look  and  manner  equivalent  to 
"I'm  jist  the  very  feller  what  can  do  that." — Ay!  I  see  it  in  your 
looks.  I'm  fond  of  shooting  a  little  myself;  'tis  very  exciting — 
and  when  I  indulge  in  shooting,  I  have  to  keep  a  powerful  guard 
over  my  heart  and  temper.  For  don't  we  feel  ourselves,  neigh- 
bours, a  right  smart  chance  better  than  persons  that  can't  shoot 
at  all?  Perhaps  we  feel  a  sort  of  glad  when  a  neighbour  makes 
worse  shots  than  ourselves — perhaps  we  even  secretly  hope  the 
man  firing  against  us  may  miss,  or  that  something  may  happen  to 
spoil  his  chance  ?  And  then,  when  we  make  good  shots,  don't  we 
walk  about  sometimes  and  brag  a  little — even  while  we  hate  to 
hear  any  body  else  bragging  ?  Come,  my  honest  friends,  don't  we 
all  on  such  occasions  do  some  things,  and  say  some  things,  and 
wish  some  things,  that  when  we  get  home,  and  are  alone,  and  be- 
gin to  think  over  the  day,  make  us  feel  sorry  about  our  conduct 
at  the  shooting?  Come,  we  are  all  friends  and  neighbours  here, 
to-day — ain't  it  so?"  (Several  nods  in  assent — but  no  smiles  as  at 
first — with  fixed  attention,  and  a  go-on-Mr.  Preacher-look,  at  the 
far  end  of  the  log) — "Yes,  yes,  my  dear  friends,  it  is  so — that 
is  honest  and  noble  in  us  to  confess:  now  there  is  a  rule  in  this 
Book — you  all  know  what  it  is — a  rule  saying,  that  we  ought  to 
do  to  others,  what  we,  in  the  same  circumstances,  would  wish 
them  to  do  to  us.  And  surely,  that  is  a  most  glorious  and  excel- 
lent rule!  Well,  don't  we  often  forget  this  rule  at  a  shooting 
match?  and  in  more  ways  than  one!  And  again,  every  sensible 
man  well  knows  how  mean  pride  is,  and  we  all  despise  the  proud 
— and  yet,  ain't  we  guilty  ourselves  of  something  like  pride  at  a 
shooting  match? 

"Well,  it  seems,  then  by  our  own  allowing,  we  may  be  se- 
cretly guilty  of  some  bad  and  mean  things,  even  when  we  are  not 
openly  wicked  and  guilty,  say  of  swearing — (shot  at  a  venture) 
— or  maybe  drunkenness — (one  of  the  sinners  stole  a  look  at  the 


SECOND  YEAR  245 

whiskey  jug) — or  any  other  bad  practice;  and  we  see,  a  man  in 
his  heart  may  be  very  proud  like,  and  hate  his  neighbour,  even  if 
we  do  wear  homespun  and  live  in  a  cabin.  (The  brethren  were 
neatly,  but  very  plain  clad).  Ah!  dear  friends,  our  hearts,  mine 
as  well  as  yours,  are  much  worse  than  we  usually  think — and  a 
shooting  match  is  a  place  to  make  us  find  out  some  of  our  sins 
and  wickedness.  You  all  know,  how  as  we  are  going  through  a 
clearing,  we  sometimes  see  a  heap  of  ashes  at  an  old  log  heap — 
and  at  first  it  seems  cold  and  dead,  but  when  we  stir  it  about  with 
a  piece  of  brush,  or  the  end  of  a  ram-rod,  up  flash  sparks,  and 
smoke,  too,  comes  out.  Well,  'tis  exactly  so  with  our  natural 
hearts.  They  conceal  a  great  deal  of  wickedness,  but  when  they 
are  stirred  up  by  any  thing  like  a  shooting-match,  or  when  we 
get  angry,  or  are  determined  to  have  money  or  a  quarter  section 
of  land  at  all  hazards — ah!  my  dear  friends,  how  many  wicked 
thoughts  we  have!  how  many  wicked  words  we  say!  how  many 
wicked  things  we  do!"  (Winks  and  nods  had  ceased — there  was 
something  in  the  benevolence,  and  earnestness,  and  tenderness  of 
our  preacher's  voice  and  manner,  that  kept  attention  riveted; 
and  it  was  plain  enough,  conscience  was  busy  at,  I  believe,  both 
ends  of  the  log.)  "Well!  now,  my  friends  and  neighbours,  do 
our  own  hearts  condemn  us  and  make  us  ashamed  ?  Look  up  to 
yon  blue  sky  above  us — that  is  God's  sun  shining  there!  Hark! 
the  leaves  are  moving  in  the  trees — it  is  God's  breath  that  stirs 
them !  and  that  God  is  here !  Ay !  that  God  is  now  looking  down 
into  our  very  hearts !  He  sees  what  we  now  think,  and  he  knows 
all  we  have  concealed  there!  That  glorious  law  we  spoke  of  in 
this  book,  that  we  have  so  often  broken,  is  his  law!  Friends! — 
would  we  be  willing  to  die  at  this  very  instant?  And  yet  die  we 
all  must  at  some  instant;  and  if  we  repent  not  and  seek  forgive- 
ness through  our  Lord  and  Saviour  Jesus  Christ — you,  dear 
neighbours,  I  myself,  and  every  one  of  us  must  perish  and — for 
ever!"3 

I  shall  not  repeat  any  more  of  Mr.  Merry's  discourse.  His 
point  was  gained.  Attention  was  fixed ;  salutary  convictions  were 

8  I  can  never  forget  how  that  word  rang  out  into  the  adjacent  forest — 
nor  the  echo  returned,  as  if  sent  back  from  the  invisible  spirit  land — for 
ever! 


246  SECOND  YEAR 

implanted  in  the  auditors  minds;  and  they  evidently  increased  in 
depth  and  intensity  as  the  preacher  proceeded.  Nay,  when  he  in 
a  strain  of  peculiar  and  wild  and  impassioned  eloquence,  dwelled 
on  the  only  way  of  escape  from  divine  wrath  through  the  blessed 
Son  of  God  our  poor  foresters  gazed  on  his  face  with  tears  in 
their  eyes,  and  remained  till  the  conclusion  of  the  services, 
without  even  the  smallest  symptom  of  impatience. 

When  meeting  was  out,  the  woodsmen  cordially  shook  hands 
with  us  all,  and  especially  with  Mr.  M. ;  and  expressed  a  unan- 
imous wish  to  have,  if  possible,  another  meeting  at  the  Saw  Mill. 
Bishop  Shrub  was  so  tenderly  affected  that  as  we  rode  away  and 
had  got  beyond  hearing  at  the  Mill,  he  exclaimed: — "Amen 
to  that  shooting,  Brother  Merry!  we  shall  never  in  this  life 
see  again  these  poor  men — but  the  effect  of  this  day's  preaching 
must  be  lasting  as  their  lives:  surely  we  shall  meet  them  in 
Heaven!" 

Little  specially  interesting  occurred  after  this,  till  our  return 
was  commenced.  And  then  early  one  bright  morning  we  turned 
aside  to  visit  a  deserted  Indian  town.  A  few  wigwams  in  ruins 
were  the  only  habitations  left  for  the  living :  but  in  a  sequestered 
loneliness  on  the  margin  of  the  river,  we  found  by  the  swelling 
mounds  and  other  marks  of  sepulture  that  we  walked  amid  the 
habitations  of  the  dead !  I  have  ever  been  deeply  moved  by  the 
sorrows  and  the  injuries  of  the  Indian — ever  since  childhood — 
but  now  so  unexpectedly  among  their  graves — the  sacred  graves 
around  which  Indians  linger  till  the  last!  which  they  so  mourn 
after  when  exiled  far  away  in  their  wanderings! — when  we 
looked  on  the  pure  white  waters  where  the  bark  canoe  had  glided 
so  noiseless;  and  heard  the  wind  so  sweet  and  yet  so  sad,  like 
moaning  spirits,  over  the  tall  grass  and  through  the  trees — a  feel- 
ing so  mournful,  so  desolate  came  over  the  soul,  that  I  walked 
hastily  away  to  a  still  more  lonely  spot,  and  there  sat  down  and 
cried  as  if  my  heart  were  breaking  for  its  own  dead ! 

When  we  rejoined  one  another  tears  were  in  the  eyes  of  all! 
None  spoke — the  white  man's  voice  seemed  desecration!  We 
were  true  mourners  over  those  graves.  Poor  Indians!  at  that 
solemn  moment  it  was  in  our  hearts  to  live,  and  wander  and  die 
with  you  in  the  forest  home — to  spend  life  in  teaching  you  the 
way  of  salvation!  Blessed!  blessed!  be  ye,  noble  band  of  mis- 
sionaries, who  do  all  this! — ye  shall  not  lose  your  reward! 


SECOND  YEAR  247 

To-day  the  evening  service  was  in  the  neighbourhood  of  Mr. 
Redwhite,  for  many  years  a  trader  among  the  Indians.  He  be- 
ing present  insisted  on  our  passing  the  night  at  his  house.  We 
consented.  For  forty  years  he  had  lived  among  the  aborigines, 
and  was  master  of  five  or  six  Indian  languages;  having  adopted 
also-many  of  their  opinions  on  political  and  religious  points,  and 
believing  with  the  natives  themselves  and  not  a  few  civilized 
folks,  that  the  Indians  have  had  abundant  provocations  for  most 
of  their  misdeeds.  Hence,  Mr.  Redwhite  and  Mr.  Carlton  soon 
became  "powerful  thick" — i.  e.  very  intimate  friends. 

The  most  interesting  thing  in  Mr.  Redwhite's  establishment, 
was  his  Christian  or  white  wife.  She,  in  infancy,  had  escaped 
the  tomahawk  at  the  massacre  of  Wyoming,  and  afterwards  had 
been  adopted  as  a  child  of  the  Indian  tribe.  Our  friend's  heathen 
or  red  wife  was  a  full-blooded  savagess — (the  belle  and  the 
savage;)  and  had  deserted  her  husband  to  live  with  her  exiled 
people:  and  so  Redwhite,  poor  fellow!  was  a  widower  with  one 
wife — viz.  this  Miss  Wyoming!  Much  of  this  lady's  life  had 
passed  among  the  Canadian  French :  and  she  was,  cherefore,  mis- 
tress of  the  Indian,  the  French,  and  the  English ;  and  also  of  the 
most  elegant  cookery,  either  as  regards  substantial  dishes  or 
nicnacry.  And  of  this  you  may  judge,  when  we  set  on  supper. 
But  first  be  it  said  our  host  was  rich,  not  only  for  that  country 
but  for  this:  and  though  he  lived  in  a  cabin,  or  rather  a  dozen 
cabins,  he  owned  tracts  of  very  valuable  land  presented  to  him 
by  his  red  lady's  tribe — territory  enough  in  fact  to  form  a  darling 
little  state  of  his  own,  nearly  as  small  as  Rhode  Island  or  Del- 
aware. Beside,  he  owned  more  real  silver — silver  done  into 
plate,  and  some  elaborately  and  tastefully  graved  and  chased,  than 
could  be  found  even  in  a  pet  bank,  when  dear  old  Uncle  Sam* 
sent  some  of  his  cronies  to  look  for  it. 

Well,  now  the  eatables  and  drinkables.  We  had  tea,  black  and 
green,  and  coffee — all  first  chop  and  superbly  made,  regaling  with 
fragrance,  and  their  delicacy  aided  by  the  just  admixture  of  ap- 
propriate sugars,  together  with  richest  cream: — the  additamenta 

4  This  affectionate  old  gentleman  gets  into  a  dotage  occasionally ; — or  at 
least  some  of  his  friends  who  undertake  to  be  the  government,  so  repre- 
sent him.  But  he  is  a  "clever  feller"  himself. 


248  SECOND  YEAR 

being  handed  on  a  silver  waiter  and  in  silver  bowls  and  cups.  The 
decoctions  and  infusions  themselves  were  poured  from  silver 
spouts  curving  gracefully  from  massy  silver  pots  and  urns. 
Wheat  bread  of  choice  flour  and  raised  with  yeast,  formed,  some 
into  loaves  and  some  into  rolls,  was  present,  to  be  spread  with 
delicious  butter  rising  in  unctuous  pyramids,  fretted  from  base 
to  apex  into  a  kind  of  butyrial  shell  work : — this  resting  on  silver 
and  to  be  cut  with  silver.  Corn,  too,  figured  in  pone  and  pud- 
ding, and  vapoured  away  in  little  clouds  of  steam;  while  at 
judicious  intervals  were  handed  silver  plates  of  rich  and  warm 
flannel  or  blanket  cakes,  with  so  soft  and  melting  an  expression 
as  to  win  our  most  tender  regards.  There  stood  a  plate  of  planed 
vension,  there  one  of  dried  beef;  while  at  becoming  distances 
were  large  china  dishes  partly  hid  under  steaks  of  ham  and  veni- 
son done  on  gridirons,  and  sending  forth  most  fragrant  odours : — 
so  that  the  very  hounds,  and  mastiffs  and  wolf-dogs  of  the  colony 
were  enticed  to  the  door  of  our  supper  cabin  by  the  witchery  of 
the  floating  essence ! 

But  time  would  fail  to  tell  of  the  bunns — and  jumbles — and 
sponge  cake — and  fruit  ditto — and  pound  also — and  silver  baskets 
— and  all  these  on  cloth  as  white  as — snow ! 

Reader!  was  ever  such  a  contrast  as  between  the  untutored 
world  around  and  the  array,  and  splendour,  and  richness  of  our 
sumptuous  banquet  ?  And  all  this  in  an  Indian  country !  and  pre- 
pared by  almost  the  sole  survivor  from  a  massacre  that  extin- 
guished a  whole  Christian  village!  How  like  a  dream  this! 

And  thou  wast  saved  at  Wyoming !  Do  I  look  on  thee  ? — upon 
whose  innocent  face  of  infancy  years  ago  gushed  the  warm  blood 
of  the  mother  falling  with  her  babe  locked  to  her  bosom!  Didst 
thou  really  hear  the  fiendish  yells  of  that  night  ? — when  the  flames 
of  a  father's  house  revealed  the  forms  of  infuriate  ones  dancing 
in  triumph  among  the  mangled  corpses  of  their  victims!  Who 
washed  the  congealed  gore  from  thy  cheek?  And  what  bar- 
barian nurse  gave  strange  nourishment  from  a  breast  so  respon- 
sive to  the  bloody  call  of  the  warwhoop  that  made  thee 
motherless  ? — and  now  so  tenderly  melting  at  the  hunger  cries  of 
the  orphan !  And  she  tied  thee  to  a  barken  cradle  and  bore  thee 
far,  far  away  to  her  dark  forest  haunts! — and  there  swinging 


SECOND  YEAR  249 

thee  to  the  bending  branches  bade  the  wild  winds  rock  thee! — 
and  she  became  thy  mother  and  there  was  thy  home !  Oh !  what 
different  destiny  thine  in  the  sweet  village  of  thy  birth — but  for 
that  night! 

And  yet,  reader,  this  hostess  was  now  so  wholly  Indian  and 
Canadian  that  when  she  talked  of  Wwoming  it  was  without 
emotion ! — while  I  was  repressing  tears !  Alas !  she  'had  not  one 
faint  desire  to  see  the  land  of  her  ancestors!  Could  this  be 
Campbell's  Gertrude  ? 

CHAPTER  XXXI. 

"Tend  me  to  night! 
May  be  it  is  the  period  of  your  duty: 
Haply,  you  shall  not  see  me  more !" 

THE  missionary  party  was  dissolved  at  Timberopolis  and  I  set 
out  for  Glenville  alone.  One  night  was  to  be  passed  on  the  road : 
and  I,  therefore,  so  ordered  matters  as  to  tarry  that  night  with 
a  friend,  who  had  cordially  invited  me  to  make  his  house  my  home 
in  case  I  ever  should  travel  that  way. 

It  was  early  in  the  evening  when  I  reached  his  cabin,  but  no 
one,  to  my  surprise,  appeared  in  answer  to  repeated  calls;  yet 
there  being  manifest  signs  of  inhabitants,  I  dismounted  and  en- 
tered the  house  without  ceremony.  And  of  course  I  found  the 
family — but  all  in  bed!  Yes!  the  mother — and  every  mother's 
son  of  them  and  daughter  too: — they  had  the  ague! 

Two,  indeed,  were  a  sort  of  convalescent;  yet  eight  were  too 
ill  to  sit  up  voluntarily.  Instead,  therefore  of  being  ministered 
unto,  I  myself  became  a  minister,  and  set  right  to  work,  assisting 
the  partly  renovated  son  and  daughter  in  getting  wood,  in  boiling 
water,  and  in  handling  along  Jesuit  bark,  and  sulphate  of  quinine. 
We  three  cooked,  in  partnership,  something  for  supper — what, 
I  never  exactly  knew — it  was  in  sad  contrast  with  the  Wyoming 
banquet!  and  that  night  I  shared  a  bed  with  the  squalid  and  de- 
jected ague-smitten  son! 

For  the  accommodation  of  the  nine  others,  were  four  other 
beds — the  sleepers  averaging  thus  two  and  a  quarter  per  bed.  In 
our  room  were  two  beds,  in  the  adjoining  one  three :  an  arrange- 
ment tending  to  purify  the  air,  ten  of  the  sleepers  being  sick 


250  SECOND  YEAR 

and  exhaling  foetid  breath.  Was  it  then  so  very  surprising  after 
all,  that  within  one  day  after  reaching  Glenville,  our  historian, 
having  been  with  missionaries  in  aguish  districts  and  having  had  a 
comfortable  night's  repose  amid  this  aguish  household,  should 
himself  contrive  to  get,  in  the  very  last  chapter  of  his  first  vol- 
ume— the  Fever  and  Ague?  Alas!  many  a  volume  equally 
promising  in  its  beginning  becomes  sickly  in  its  close :  a  character 
perhaps  of  all  books  detailing  life  as  it  is!  For  what,  pray,  is 
life  itself,  except  a  progress  from  elastic  infancy  to  flaccid  old 
age! — from  hope  to  disappointment! — from  health  to  sickness! 
— from  living  to  dying? 

Reader! — (supposing  one  is  this  far) — perhaps  you  have  dis- 
covered that  the  writer  is  disposed  to  laugh  as  well  as  cry:  not 
maliciously — but  in  a  spirit  of — of — "Good  nature,  Mr.  Carlton?" 
That  is  it,  my  dear  reader ;  however,  our  delicacy  and  good  taste 
preferred  another  to  praise  us.  Well,  we  have  found  that  such 
spirit,  within  its  due  bounds,  is  a  great  (help  in  sustaining  misfor- 
tunes and  adversities,  especialy  our — neighbour's ;  and  it  does  seem 
a  compensative  in  some  natures  that  their  melancholy  states  may 
be  followed  by  joyous  and  sunny  ones.  And  not  rarely  have  our 
elastic  tendencies  lifted  us  from  deep  and  miry  "sloughs  of 
despond;"  and  even  yet,  after  the  crushing  of  fond  hopes,  and 
the  endurance  of  exceedingly  weighty  griefs,  we  laugh  even  loud 
although  in  a  subdued  tone; — for  the  dear  ones  we  laughed  with 
in  earlier  days  can  never,  never  join  again  their  merry  voice  with 
ours! — but  then  even  in  our  tears  we  smile,  because  we  trust  to 
smile  and  rejoice  with  these  again  and  without  danger  of  sin, 
amid  serene  and  perfect  and  perpetual  joys! 

This  premised,  what  was  more  natural  than  that  we  should 
laugh  at  the  Fever  and  Ague — when  our  neighbours  had  this  twin 
disease?  Indeed,  hearing  the  patients  themselves  jest  about  itr 
how  was  it  possible  not  to  join  with  them?  At  last  I  was  seized 
with  this  mirth-creating  malady  myself :  and  of  course  you  wish 
to  know  how  I  behaved  myself.  Well,  at  -first  I  laughed  as 
heartily  as  ever — just  as  I  once  did  in  the  first  stage  of  sea-sick- 
ness. And  then  I  took  emetics,  and  cathartics,  and  herb-teas,  and 
barks,  and  bitters,  and  quinine,  and  hot  toddies  seasoned  with 
pepper,  oh!  with  such  winning  smiles! — that  the  folks  all  said 
— "it  was  quite  a  privilege! — hem! — to  wait  on  me!" 


SECOND  YEAR  251 

Fye !  on  our  hypocrisy  and  selfishness-!  all  this  captivating  be- 
haviour arose  fom  a  persuasion  that  it  would  aid  a  speedy  cure! 
And  for  a  time  the  enemy  seemed  willing  to  be  smiled  away — with 
the  "coelaboration"  of  the  above  smile-creating  doses — and,  I 
do  believe,  we  got  to  laughing  more  than  ever.  But  one  day  after 
my  cure,  on  returning  from  a  little  walk  extra — (with  a  rifle  on 
my  shoulder) — a  very  gentle,  but  ralther  chilly  sensation  began 
very  ridiculously  to  trickle  down  my  spine — and  there,  would  you 
believe  it,  was  our  Monsheer  Tonson  again ! 

Now,  be  it  remembered,  here  was  a  surprise  and  a  cowardly 
and  treacherous  assault,  if  I  now  for  the  first  looked — grum: 
besides  it  was  evident  good  nature  was  no  permanent  cure  for  the 
ague.  Nay,  Dr.  Sylvan  told  me  that  once  he  had  the  ague,  and 
repeatedly  after  he  was  cured  the  thing  kept  sneaking  back  and 
down  his  back;  till  on  the  last  occasion  coming,  after  it  had  seem- 
ingly been  physicked  to  death  like  some  of  the  patients,  he  was  so 
incensed  at  its  irripudence  as  to  set  to  and  kick  and  stamp  and 
toss  and  dance  and  wriggle  about,  that  the  fit  was  actually  stormed 
out !  and  from  that  hour  no  ague,  dumb,  vocal,  or  shaking  had  ever 
ventured  near  him !  Had  I  heard  this  in  time,  my  insidious  foe 
would  have  been  treated  to  a  similar  assault  and  battery.  But, 
perhaps,  so  violent  exercise  on  my  part  might  have  only  accel- 
erated and  made  fatal  a  crisis  now  approaching;  for  soon  I  be- 
came so  alarmingly  ill  that  John  Glenville  was  posting  to  Wood- 
ville  for  Dr.  Sylvan:  but  before  he  could  have  reached  that  place 
I  was  raging  in  the  delirium  of  fever! 

Two  things  in  the  events  of  that  dreadful  night  seem  worth 
mentioning :  first,  while  nothing  done  to  or  for  me  was  known,  I 
have  to  this  day  the  most  distinct  remembrance  of  my  phrenzy 
visions;  and  secondly,  that  hours  dwindled  into  minutes;  for 
seeming  only  to  shut  and  open  my  eyes,  it  was  said  afterwards 
that  then  I  had  slept  even  two  full  hours! — and  that  my  counte- 
nance and  motions  indicated  a  state  of  fearful  mental  agitation.  In 
that  state  two  visions,  each  repeated  and  re-repeated  with  vivid 
intensity,  and  seeming  to  fill  spaces  of  time  like  those  marked 
by  flashes  of  lightning,  were  so  terrific  and  appalling  as  to  force 
me  to  violent  gestures  and  alarming  outcries. 

One  vision  was  this.  A  gigantic  cuirassier,  more  than  twenty 
feet  high,  and  steel  clad,  was  mounted  on  a  mammoth  of  jet  black 


252  SECOND  YEAR 

color  and  glistening,  and  moving  with  the  grace  and  swiftness  of 
an  antelope.  On  the  rider's  left  was  couched  a  spear  in  size  like 
a  beam,  and  its  barbed  point  flaming  as  the  fires  of  a  furnace : 
while  in  his  right  hand  was  brandished  an  immense  sword  of 
scimetar  shape,  and  so  intensely  bright  as  to  blind  the  beholders. 
To  oppose  this  apparition  was  drawn  out  in  battle  a  large  army, 
with  all  the  apparatus  of  war,  swords,  spears,  smaller  fire  arms, 
and  the  'heaviest  artillery — the  troops  being  in  several  lines  with 
cannon  in  the  centre  and  rifles  on  the  wings ;  and  all  ready  with 
levelled  weapons  and  burning  matches  awaiting  the  onset  of  the 
terrific  rider — Death !  Soon  came  a  signal  flash  from  the  heavens 
clothed  in  sackcloth  looking  clouds — a  kind  of  meteor  sunlight — 
and  at  its  gleam  the  cuirassier  on  his  Black  Mammoth,  like  a 
tempest  driven  by  a  whirlwind,  swept  rushing  on ! — the  nostrils  of 
the  strange  beast  dilated  with  fiery  foam,  his  hoofs  thundering 
over  the  rocks  and  streaming  fire ;  while  the  rider,  upright  in  the 
stirrups,  poised  with  one  hand  his  spear,  and  with  the  other 
flashed  his  scimetar,  and  uttered  a  war-cry  so  loud  and  clear  as  to 
reach  the  very  heavens  and  appal  and  confound  the  stoutest 
hearts !  At  this  instant  would  I  be  possessed  with  a  strange  arid 
invincible  furor,  and  pouring  forth  shrieks  and  outcries  in  answer 
to  the  war-cry  of  the  warrior-spirit,  I  would  strike  with  my 
clenched  hands  as  if  armed  with  weapons — while  the  army  await- 
ing our  now  combined  onset  raised  their  responsive  shouts  of 
defiance,  and  then  poured  out  against  us  stream  after  stream  of 
fire,  with  the  clatter  and  crash  and  roar  of  many  thunders — but 
in  vain! — On,  on,  on  we  rushed! — the  earth  shook  and  groaned 
and  broke  asunder  into  yawning  gulfs  and  sulphurous  caverns ! — 
and  down,  down  sank  the  troops,  smitten,  dismayed,  crushed! 
— while  the  Black  Mammoth,  reeling  from  ten  thousand  balls,  and 
spears  and  barbed  arrows,  with  the  fiendish  voice  of  many  demons, 
plunged  headlong  into  the  discomfited  host,  and  there  falling  with 
the  shock  of  an  earthquake,  crushed  men,  cannon,  horses,  spears, 
into  one  horrible,  quivering  mass!  Then  from  amidst  this  ruin 
up  sprang  the  giant-spirit  with  triumphant  shouts,  and  strided 
away  to  mount  another  Black  Mammoth,  and  renew  with  varia- 
tions this  battle  of  my  exhausting  vision ! 

My  other  vision  was  as  solemn  to  me  as  ever  can  be  the  very 
article  of  death.     Methought  I  lay  in  a  little  narow  frail  canoe 


SECOND  YEAR  253 

and  with  power  neither  to  move  nor  speak — yet  with  as  keen 
perceptions  as  if  I  were  all  senses.  The  canoe  itself  was  at  the 
head  of  a  gulf,  tied  to  its  bank  with  a  twine  of  thread  and  tremb- 
ling on  its  violent  waves;  the  gulf  being  between  walls  of  rock 
towering  away  up  smooth  and  perpendicular  for  many  hundred 
feet,  and  running  with  dark  and  dismal  waters  very  swiftly  to- 
wards a  narrow  opening  through  an  adamantine  rock.  That  open- 
ing was  an  egress  into  an  unknown,  bottomless,  shoreless,  chaotic 
and  wildly  tumultuating  ocean! — I  felt  myself  quivering  on  the 
current  of  time  just  as  it  was  sweeping  into  Eternity! — I  saw 
strange  sights ! — I  heard  unearthly  sounds !  Oh !  the  unutterable 
anguish  and  despair  as  I  lay  helpless  and  awaited  the  sundering 
of  my  cobweb  tie — in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye  should  I  pass  into 
that  vast  and  dread  unknown! 

Reader!  was  this  really  sleep — and  did  I  only  dream? — or  was 
it  the  summoning  of  the  spirit  to  see  in  a  trance  what  awaits  us 
all?  Aye!  be  assured  our  dreams  are  not  always  dreams!  A 
spirit-world  is  round  us — and  it  is  perhaps  in  such  visions  God 
designs  we  should  catch  faint  glimpses  of  that  other  state?  Sneer 
vile  Athiest * — the  hour  is  coming  when  we  shall  sneer  at  thee ! — 
for  the  "wicked  shall  rise  to  shame  and  everlasting  contempt!" 
****** 

When  Glenville  returned  from  Woodville,  he  was  accompanied 
not  by  Doctor  Sylvan,  but  by  the  Doctor's  nephew — one  of  the 
two  young  gentlemen  of  Indian  grave  memory.  And  he  brought 
a  long  paper  of  written  and  minute  directions ;  and  among  others, 
the  Doctor's  favourite  plan  of  changing  the  character  of  agues — 
for  making  a  dumb  ague  speak  or  shake.  It  answered  well,  I 
believe,  with  all  patients  of  vigorous  constitution :  at  all  events,  if 
one  could  endure  it,  nothing  could  so  warily  make  a  dumb  ague 
not  only  shake,  but  speak,  ay,  and  scream  right  out.  But  when 
that  part  of  the  prescription  was  read  to  me,  I  most  obstinately 
refused  to  have  my  ague  thus  converted:  and  yet  as  the  bare 
reading  made  me  shiver,  doubtless,  the  operation  itself  would  have 
made  me  shake  like  an  earthquake!  Sticking,  therefore,  to  my 
refusal,  my  dumb  ague  as  Doctor  Sylvan  predicted,  stuck  to  me ; 
and  for  twelve  long  cheering  months!  Yet,  here  is  an  extract 

4  Not  the  reader,  we  hope — yet  in  these  irreligious  days  it  might  be. 


254  SECOND  YEAR 

from  the  Doctor's  paper,  so  that  it  can  be  better  judged  whether 
my  refusal  was  altogether  owing  to  obstinacy: — 

" and  then,  as  the  shaking  ague  is  altogether  tractable, 

his  dumb  ague  must  be  immediately  changed  into  the  other. 
Carry  then  your  patient  into  the  passage  between  the  two  cabins, 
or  into  the  open  air,  and  strip  off  all  his  clothes  that  he  may  lie 
naked  in  the  cold  air  and  upon  a  bare  sacking — and  then  and 
there  pour  over  and  upon  him  successive  buckets  of  cold  spring 
water,  and  continue  until  he  has  a  decided  and  pretty  powerful 
smart  chance  of  a  shake." 

Ohhoo!  ooh! — (double  oo  in  moon,  with  very  strong  aspira- 
tion)— it  makes  me  shake  now! 

Well ! — at  long  last  the  dumb  thing  left  me ;  so  that  I  lived  to 
write  more  books  than  two:  but  we  shall  not  say  how  often  we 
"put  on  a  damp  night-cap  and  relapsed,"  nor  how  apparently  near 
what  began  in  laughing  came  to  ending  in  tears.  Only  let  my 
reader  draw  from  this  case  two  practical  resolutions : — 

First — to  cultivate  a  fixed  determination  never  to  get  any  kind 
of  an  ague — if  he  can  help  it :  and 

Secondly,  to  indulge  no  unseeming  pleasantry  when  he  sees  a 
neighbour  shiver  or  shake — unless  that  neighbour  insist  manfully 
that  you  shall  laugh  rather  than  cry  with  him. 

Shortly  after  my  convalescence,  the  Hon.  John  Glenville  de- 
parted for  the  House ;  and  there,  among  other  matters,  he  assisted 
in  having  Robert  Carlton,  Esq.,  appointed  one  of  the  Trustees  of 
the  College  at  Woodville;  with  orders  to  procure  as  soon  as 
possible  competent  professors  and  teachers.  For  this  I  wrote  to 
my  friend,  Charles  Clarence,  then  in  the  Theological  School  at 
Princeton,  New  Jersey;  but  his  reply  belongs  to  our  next  year, 
and,  indeed,  to  a  new  era  of  the  Purchase,  and  hence,  we  may 
very  appropriately  end  here — a  Chapter — a  Year — and  a  Volume.2 

2  In  this  as  in  other  passages  Hall's  statement  is  inconsistent  with 
the  "Key"  to  the  characters  and  with  the  order  of  events.  Young 
(Glenville)  did  not  become  a  member  of  the  House  till  1828,  fully  five 
years  after  Hall  came  to  Indiana  and  four  years  after  the  Seminary  was 
opened  and  eight  years  after  the  act  providing  for  its  foundation.  "Carl- 
ton"  is  here  represented  as  writing  to  "Clarence"  both  of  whom  Hall  rep- 
resents. This  "Carlton,"  if  he  became  a  Trustee  of  the  Seminary,  must 
•have  been  some  other  man  than  Hall.  See  pp.  158-159.  Rev.  Isaac 
Reed,  who  married  Mrs.  Hall's  sister  probably  wrote  to  Hall  while 
the  latter  was  completing  his  Seminary  course  at  Princeton,  suggesting 
Hall's  coming  to  the  New  Purchase  with  a  view  to  his  obtaining  an 
appointment  as  a  teacher  in  the  newly  founded  Seminary.  See  Introduc- 
tion, p.  vi. 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 

"Our  dying  friends  come  o'er  us,  like  a  cloud, 
To  damp  our  brainless  ardor,  and  abate 
That  glare  of  life  which  often  blinds  the  wise, 
Our    dying    friends    are   pioneers,    to    smooth 
Our  rugged  paths  to  death." 

THE  commencement  of  our  third  summer  was  marked  by  an 
event  very  sad  to  our  little  self-exiled  company  in  the  woods — 
the  death  of  Mrs.  Glenville. 

Were  all  here  said  affection  prompts  and  truth  warrants,  a 
volume  might  be  easily  written,  interesting  to  most,  but  specially 
to  that  comparatively  small  yet  most  excellent  class  known 
as  religious  people:  for  never  had  such  a  brighter  ornament  or 
safer  pattern.  No  one,  except  the  inspired  person  who  first  gave 
the  exhortation,  could  more  truly  have  said  with  her  lips  to  her 
friends  as  she  did  by  her  life — "Be  ye  followers  of  me  as  I  am  of 
Christ."  But  none  ever  was  so  unwilling  to  appropriate  that  or 
similar  expressions :  she  was  too  pious,  too  humble  and  meek,  and 
childlike  ever  to  think  her  lovely  temper,  resigned  spirit,  and  dis- 
interested goodness  to  be,  as  they  were,  a  bright  and  burning  light. 

In  early  life  she  was  said  to  be  surpassingly  beautiful.  But 
danger  and  temptation  from  beauty  were  soon  prevented ;  in  the 
midst  of  her  bloom  her  enchanting  face  was  forever  marred  by 
the  fearful  traces  of  the  small-pox.  Yet  spite  of  this,  and  even 
in  advanced  life,  rare  was  it  to  behold  a  countenance  more  agree- 
able than  hers;  in  which  was  the  blended  expression  of  pleasing 
features,  benevolent  feeling,  pure  sentiment,  and  heavenly  temper. 
The  original  beauty  of  the  countenance  had  seemingly  been  trans- 
ferred to  the  heart ;  whence  it  beamed  afresh  from  the  face,  re- 
fined, chastened,  renovated.  Her  person  was  tall  and  finely  pro- 
portioned ;  and  so  imposing  her  mien,  from  a  native  dignity  of  soul, 
that  had  her  original  beauty  remained,  Mrs.  Glenville  must  have 
always  appeared  a  Grace. 

She  was  well  educated  and  extensively  read  in  history,  and 
many  other  important  secular  subjects,  but  her  chief  reading  had 
always  been  that  best  of  books — the  Bible:  indeed,  to  this,  during 

255 


256  THIRD  YEAR 

the  last  few  years  of  her  sorrowful  life,  her  whole  attention  was 
given.  She,  however,  read  now  one  other  book — a  book  we  name, 
although  with  no  expectation  of  its  obtaining  favour  in  an  unre- 
flecting age — "Ambrose's  looking  unto  Jesus."  And  these  two 
books,  in  the  latter  months  of  her  life,  owing  to  the  nature  of 
her  disease,  she  read  on  her  knees !  That  disease  was  an  aneurism 
of  the  femoral  artery,  of  long  continuance,  and  towards  the  last 
exceedingly  painful — and  which,  from  an  early  period  of  its  ex- 
istence had  been  pronounced  fatal.  Yet  all  this  created  in  her  no 
alarm,  produced  not  the  slightest  murmur,  and  abated  not  her  cus- 
tomary cheerfulness  and  playful  vivacity.  Nay,  she  tried  even  to 
comfort  and  encourage  our  little  settlement — being  really  more 
joyous  in  anticipation  of  a  removal  to  the  better  land,  than  we 
could  have  been  in  returning  from  exile  to  vast  temporal  posses- 
sions and  a  beauteous  earthly  home! 

Reason  was  unimpaired  till  within  a  very  few  moments  of 
death ;  and  we  all  stood  around  her  bed  in  the  rude  cabin,  while 
she,  placing  her  hands  on  the  heads  of  her  grandchildren,  offered 
a  solemn  prayer  for  their  welfare; — and  then,  with  an  inter- 
rupted voice  of  the  utmost  tenderness,  she,  looking  on  us  for  the 
last,  and  smiling  said — "I  am  dying — all — peace!"  The  king  of 
terrors  was  there — to  her  an  Angel  of  beauty — to  us  dark  and 
frightful! — and  he  rudely  shook  that  dear  frail  tabernacle  with 
a  severe,  perhaps  a  painful  convulsion !  But  that  loved  heart, 
after  one  throe  of  agony,  was  still ! — a  deep  sigh  breathed  from  the 
quivering  lips — and  she  was  not,  for  God  had  taken  her!  A 
blood  ransomed  and  sanctified  spirit  was  in  its  true  home ! 

Two  days  after  we  laid  her  in  a  lone  and  forest  grave.  And 
there  all  were  mourners;  none  walked  in  that  procession  of  the 
dead  but  the  people  of  Glenville — brothers,  sisters,  children!  In 
that  solitary  spot  we  laid  her,  far  away  from  consecrated  ground 
and  the  graves  of  our  fathers! 

****** 

But  what !  though  night  after  night  around  that  spot  was  heard 
the  melancholy  howl  of  the  wild  beast ! — what !  though  the  great 
world  knows  not,  cares  not  to  know  of  that  leaf-covered  grave! 
The  dust  that  slumbers  there  shall  live  again — and  die  no  more ! 
Better  far  lie  in  an'unknown  grave  and  rise  to  the  resurrection  of 


THIRD  YEAR  257 

the  just,  than  under  a  sculptured  monument  amid  the  lofty 
mausoleums  of  kings,  if  one  thence  must  rise  to  die  the  endless 
death ! 


CHAPTER  XXXIII. 

"Why  should  a  man,  whose  blood  is  warm  within, 

Sit  like  his  grandsire  cut  in  albaster?" 
"Where   should   this   music  be?    i*   the   air,   or  the   earth?" 

IMPORTANT  changes  to  the  Glenville  settlement  soon  followed 
the  death  of  Mrs.  Glenville.  It  was  found  necessary  to  connect  a 
store  with  the  tannery ;  and  hence,  after  due  deliberation,  it  was 
decided  that  Mr.  Carlton  should  now  remove  to  Woodville  and 
open  the  store ; — the  ex-legislator,  J.  Glenville,  to  remain  and  con- 
duct the  leather  department  with  old  Dick,  and  also  buy  no  pro- 
duce for  the  Orleans  market,  and  all  along  shore  there.  He — 
(not  Dick,  but  Glenville) — was  now  also  a  candidate  for  Pro- 
thonotary;  although  not  from  elevated  and  pure  patriotism,  as  in 
his  other  campaign ;  the  fact  is  we  had  had  honour  enough  and — 
loss.  An  eye  was  now  fixed  on  the  salary ;  we  wished  to  serve  the 
people,  provided  like  other  great  patriots,  we  could  also  serve 
ourselves;  bad  men  serve  only  themselves,  good  ones  both  them- 
selves and  the  people. 

Uncle  John  and  Aunt  Kitty  were  to  stay  with  Glenville  in  the 
patriarchal  cabin ;  but  Miss  Emily  Glenville  was  to  go  with  us  to 
Woodville,  where  she  and  Mrs.  Carlton  would  set  up  an  Institute 
for  Young  Ladies ! — the  very  first  ever  established  in  the  New 
Purchase. 

In  due  season,  and  after  innumerable  dividings  and  packings  of 
goods  and  chattels,  off  we  set;  a  good  two  horse  wagon  and  its 
owner  and  driver,  a  robust  youth  of  the  timber  world,  having  been 
hired  to  take  us  and  "the  plunder."  Aunt  Kitty  insisted  on  going 
over  to  see  us  safe  at  our  new  home  and  to  help  fix;  and  old  Dick, 
poor  fellow!  looked  so  wistfully  at  me,  that  I  agreed  to  ride  the 
honest  creature  to  Woodville,  if  he  would  consent  to  come  back 
tied  to  the  tail  of  the  wagon;  and  to  that  he  made  no  objection 
whatever.  And  so  he  went  along  too. 


258  THIRD  YEAR 

Nothing  important  occurred  on  the  journey,  only  a  cvr'"ous 
complimentary  mistake  of  the  bustling  hostess  during  the  ni^ht 
we  were  compelled  to  pass  on  the  road.  This  sagacious  lady, 
seeing  a  baby  in  the  party,  inferred,  in  Pillbox's  style,  that  some- 
body was  married ;  and  as  Aunt  Kitty  carried  the  little  "crittur," 
and  made  an  awful  deal  of  fuss,  and  Mr.  C.  used  once  or  twice 
nursery  diminutives,  the  landlady  concluded  that  if  I  was  "faddy- 
waddy,"  Aunt  Kitty  must  be  "mammywammy."  Hence,  about  bed 
time,  she  considerately  said — "I  want  to  'commodate  near  about 
as  well  as  we  can  fix  it,  and  so  him — (pointing  to  Mr.  Carlton)— 
and  you  ma'am — (speaking  to  Aunt  Kitty) — kin  have  the  room 
up  loft  thare;  and  them  young  folks — (Mrs.  Carlton,  Emily  C. 
and  the  driver) — kin  have  this  room  down  here  all  alone  to 
'emselves !" 

Now,  reader,  had  I  a  very  grave  and  solemn  countenance  in 
my  youth,  or  was  Aunt  Kitty  then  just  thirty-five  years  and  six 
months  my  senior,  a  very  pretty,  youthful,  looking  woman  ?  And 
what  could  have  deceived  our  Hoosierina?  that  when  informed  of 
her  error,  she  should  have  exclaimed : — 

"Well !  now !  I  never  seed  the  like  on  it !  Why  if  I  didn't  senti- 
mentally allow  you  was  the  two  old  folkses,  and  them  two  likely 
young  gals,  your  two  oldenmost  daters — and  that  leetle  critter,  you 
look'd  like  you  was  a  nussin  your  last  and  youngenest !" 

Awh !  came  now,  reader,  act  fair ;  for  Aunt  Kitty  was  after  all 
a  right  down  good  looking  body,  and  as  lively  as  a  young  lady  of 
plus-twenty.  And  do  not  fine,  handsome  young  fellows  sometimes 
marry  good  looking  aged  ladies  very  rich? 

However,  spite  of  this,  next  day  we  came  safe  to  Woodville. 
But  now,  alas!  was  to  be  the  parting  with  old  Dick!  True,  he 
let  them  tie  him  to  the  tail  of  the  wagon — but  evidently,  he  was 
trotted  off  contrary  to  his  secret  wishes,  and  a  good  deal  faster 
than  he  was  accustomed  to  go ;  for  our  driver,  desirous  of  reaching 
the  river  by  night,  and  having  no  return  load,  drove  away  at  a 
Jehu  gait.  I,  standing  at  our  upper  story  back  window,  cried  out, 
as  he  wheeled  into  his  retrograde  position — "Good-bye,  Dick, 
good  bye !  and,  would  you  have  believed  it  ?  He  cocked  back  his 
ears ! — rolled  up  his  eyes ! — and  with  head  and  neck  almost  hori- 
zontal, he  made  not  only  desperate  efforts  not  to  trot,  but  to  slip 


THIRD  YEAR  259 

his  halter !  In  vain !  The  brute  horses  in  front,  were  too  many  for 
the  poor  fellow,  and  away,  away  they  jerked  him;  till  the  party, 
entering  the  woods,  turned  suddenly  into  the  road  to  Glenville, 
and  he  was  forced  round  with  an  ample  sweep  of  his  rear  quar- 
ters ;  and  the  last  I  ever  saw  of  my  poor  dear  old  comrade  was  a 
most  indignant  flourish  of  his  venerable  tail !  For,  before  my  visit  to 
the  former  home,  Dick  who  would  not  grind  back  alone,  and  John 
could  not  be  constantly  with  him,  was  sold  to  a  neighbouring 
teamster;  and  then,  in  about  a  year  after,  he  ended  his  earthly 
career  as  he  had  begun  it — a  wheel-horse  to  a  wagoner !  Whether 
from  the  infirmity  of  age,  or  heart-broken  at  quitting  our  family, 
he  dropped  dead,  holding  back  in  his  place,  on  the  descent  of  a 
precipitous  hill !  t  *****  *  Poor  Dick ! 
poor  Dick! — Don't  pshaw  at  me,  reader!  I'm  not  crying,  any 
such  thing — yes,  he's  dead  now !  /  shall  never  see  him  again !  and 
you  will  never  hear  of  him.  If  he  has  plagued  you  some  in  this 
work,  he  will  not,  like  some  bipedalic  and  quadruple  heroes  in 
certain  other  books,  plague  you  all  through ! 

Behold  us,  then,  one  step  back  towards  the  worldly  world.  And 
so  now  we  shall  have  a  little  backwoods  town  life,  with  an  occa- 
sional excursion  to  our  country  seat  at  Glenville,  like  great  shop- 
keepers of  eastern  cities.1 

Our  first  step  at  Woodville  was  to  write  and  fasten  up  at  the 
post-office,  court-house,  jail,  doctor's  office  and  other  public  places, 
copies  of  our  prospectus  for  the  Woodville  young  ladies'  institute. 
This  was  necessary  for  sixteen  reasons ;  firstly,  there  was  no  print- 
ing office  nearer  (then)  than  one  hundred  miles  ;2  secondly, — Oh  ! 

1  It  appears  to  have  been  during  his  third  year  in  Indiana  in  the 
summer  of  1824,  that  Hall  moved  to  Bloomington.  This  would  fix  his 
arrival  in  Indiana  in  the  spring  of  1822  instead  of  1823.  See  note  p.  70. 

z  It  was  not  until  1825  when  the  Indiana  capital  was  moved  from 
Corydon  to  Indianapolis  that  Jesse  Brandon  who  had  been  an  editor  and 
public  printer  at  Corydon  moved  his  printing  materials  to  Bloomington. 
Brandon  then  established  the  Bloomington  Republican  which  lived  until 
about  1829.  The  Indiana  Gazette  and  Literary  Advocate,  was  founded  by 
Gen.  Jacob  Lowe  in  opposition  to  Brandon's  paper  and  to  aid  the  Jackson- 
ian  party.  When  Jackson  was  elected  President,  Dr.  David  H.  Maxwell 
was  removed  from  the  Bloomington  post  office  and  Lowe  was  appointed. 
When  Hall  moved  to  Bloomington  in  1823  or  '24  Bloomington  printing 
was  probably  done  at  Louisville. — Esarey's  Indiana  Journalism. 


26o  THIRD  YEAR 

I  see  you  are  satisfied — I'm  not  going  on.  Wonderful  care,  how- 
ever, had  been  used  to  make  our  notice  a  specimen,  both  of  pen- 
manship and  patriotism;  and  hence  more  was  accomplished  in 
our  favour  than  could  have  been  done  by  sixteen  line  pica  and 
long  primer.  For  instance,  heading  the  foolscap  was  a  superb 
American  eagle,  in  red  ink  flourish,  and  holding  in  his  bill,  a  rib- 
bon, inscribed — "Young  Ladies  Institute."  Then  came  the  mis- 
tresses' names  in  large  round  hand — then  the  location  in  letters, 
inclining  backward,  like  old  Dick  when  wheel-horse — Oh !  pardon, 
he  shall  not  hold  back  for  us  again — I  was  off  my  guard ;  and  then 
the  word  PROPOSE  that  introduced  the  page-like  matter,  in  capitals 
of  German  text,  with  heads  and  tails  curled  and  crankled  and  inter- 
laced, so  as  nearly  to  bewilder  the  reader  about  the  meaning! 
And  yet,  so  adroitly  was  this  word  contrived,  that  if  one  perti- 
naciously and  judiciously  kept  on  through  all  the  windings,  he 
would  emerge  safe  enough  at  the  final  flourish  of  the  E;  and  be 
not  a  little  triumphant  at  twisting  unhurt  and  unscared  through 
the  labyrinth  of  "sich  a  most  powerful  hard  and  high  larn'd  hand 
write !" 

Leaving  this  prospectus  to  produce  its  own  effects,  I  set  out 
for  Louisville  to  lay  in  goods,  and  also  to  bring  out  for  our  school- 
purposes,  a  piano.  Now  this  was  the  very  first  that  "was  ever 
heern  tell  of  in  the  Purchus !"  3  and  hence  no  small  sensation  was 
created,  even  by  the  bare  report  of  our  intention.  Nay,  from  that 
moment,  till  the  instrument  was  backed  up  to  our  door  to  be 
removed  from  the  wagon,  expectation  was  on  tip-toe,  and  conjec- 
ture never  weary.  "A  pianne !  what  could  it  be  ?  Was  it  a  sort  a 
fiddle-like — only  bigger,  and  with  a  powerful  heap  of  wire  strings  ? 
What  makes  them  call  it  a  forty  pianne? — forty — forty — ah! 
yes,  that's  it — it  plays  forty  tunes!" 

Some  at  Woodville  knew  well  enough  what  a  piano  was,  for 
there,  as  elsewhere,  in  the  far  west,  were  oddly  congregated,  a  few 
intelligent  persons  from  all  ends  of  the  earth :  but  these  did  all  in 
their  power  to  mislead  conjecture,  enjoying  their  neighbour's  mis- 

8  This  small  piano  was  for  many  years  in  the  home  of  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
James  M.  Howe,  South  College  Ave.,  Bloomington.  It  was  still  there  in 
1892  when  Dr.  John  M.  Coulter,  President  of  the  University,  lived  in  the 
Howe  home. 


THIRD  YEAR  261 

takes.  After  a  narrow  escape  of  being  backed,  wagon  and  all, 
into  the  creek,  already  mentioned,  as  having  the  ford  just  seven 
feet  deep,  and  notwithstanding  the  roughness,  or  as  my  friend, 
lawyer  Cutswell  used  to  say,  "the  asperities"  of  the  road,  the  in- 
strument reached  us,  and  in  tune, — unless  our  ears  were  lower  than 
concert  pitch.  At  all  events,  we  played  tunes  on  it,  and  vastly 
to  the  amazement  and  delight  of  our  native  visitors;  who,  con- 
sidering the  notes  of  the  piano  as  those  of  invitation,  came  by 
day  or  night,  not  only  around  the  window,  but  into  the  entry,  and 
even  into  the  parlour  itself,  and  in  hosts ;  Nor  did  such  ever  dream 
of  being  troublesome,  as  usually  it  was  a  "sorter  wantin  to  hear 
that  powerful  pianne  tune  agin!"  But  often  the  more  curious 
"a  sort  o'  wanted  the  lid  tuk  up  like  to  see  the  tune  a  playin,  and 
them  little  jumpers  (dampers)  dance  the  wires  so  most  mighty 
darn'd  powerful  smart!" 

All  this  was,  indeed,  annoying,  yet  it  was  amusing.  Beside,  we 
might  as  well  have  bolted  the  store,  and  left  the  Purchase,  as  to 
bolt  our  door,  or  quit  playing:  and  beyond  the  ill-savour  of  such 
conduct  in  a  backwood's  republic,  it  would  have  been  cynical  not 
to  afford  so  many  simple  people  a  great  pleasure  at  the  cost  of  a 
little  inconvenience  and  some  rusting  of  wires  from  the  touches  of 
perspiring  fingers.  An  incident  or  two  on  this  head,  and  our 
music  may,  for  the  present,  be  dismissed. 

One  day,  a  buxom  lass  dismounted,  and  after  "hanging  her 
crittur"  to  my  rack,  walked  not,  as  was  usual,  into  the  store  first, 
but  direct  into  our  parlour,  where  she  made  herself  at  home, 
thus : — 

"Well!  ma'am,  I'm  a  sort  a  kim  to  see  that  'are  thing  thare — 
(pointing  to  the  piano) — Jake  says  its  powerful — mought  a  body 
hear  it  go  a  leetle  ma'am  ?" 

Of  course,  Mrs.  Carlton  let  it  "go  a  leetle,"  and  then  it  was 
rapturously  encored,  rubbed,  patted,  wondered  at,  asked  about, 
&c.  for  one  good  solid  hour,  when  our  familiar  made  the  follow- 
ing speech  and  retired : — 

"Well! — pianne  tunes  is  great!  I  allow  that  pianne  maybe 
perhaps  cost  near  on  to  about  half  a  quarter  section,  (forty  acres, 
valued  at  fifty  dollars.)  I  wish  Jake  and  me  was  rich  folks, 
and  I'd  make  him  go  half  as  high  as  yourn,  however,  I  plays  the 


262  THIRD  YEAR 

fiddle,  and  could  do  it  right  down  smart,  only  some  how  or 
nuther  I  can't  make  my  fingers  tread  the  strings  jist  ezactly  right !" 

A  very  respectable  woman,  wife  of  a  wealthy  farmer  seven 
miles  from  Woodville,  having  been  one  day  in  town  till  towards 
evening,  thought  she  would  step  over,  and  for  the  first  time  hear 
the  famous  piano ;  and  that,  although  she  was  to  ride  home  by 
herself,  and  by  a  very  long  and  lonesome  road.  Our  best  tunes 
were  accordingly  done,  and  with  flute  accompaniments ;  at  which 
our  honest-hearted  neighbour,  raising  both  hands,  and  with  a 
peculiar  nod  of  the  head  and  wonderful  naivete,  exclaimed : — 

"Compton — (her  husband) — Compton  said  it  was  better  nor 
the  fiddle! — but  I'm  sentimentally  of  opinion  it's  as  fur  afore  a 
fiddle,  as  a  fiddle's  afore  a  jusarp!!"4 

Illustrious  shade  of  Paganini !  what  say'st  thou  to  that? 

Once,  however,  a  fine,  yet  unpolished  young  man  came,  but 
evidently  with  an  impression  that  some  invitation  was  necessary, 
as  he  rapped  at  the  parlour  door,  and  would  not  enter  till  in- 
vited by  Mrs.  Carlton.  She  was  playing  at  the  time,  and  well 
knowing  the  cause  of  the  visit,  she  soon  asked  if  he  was  fond  of 
music,  to  which  he  answered: 

"Oh!  most  powerful  fond,  ma'am;  and  as  I  heern  tell  of  the 
pianne,  I  made  a  sort  a  bold  to  step  in  and  maybe  perhaps  you'd 
play  a  tune." 

Tune  after  tune  was  accordingly  played;  while  the  young 
man,  who,  abashed  at  his  entrance,  remained  near  the  door, 
now  arose  and  advancing,  as  if  drawn  by  some  enchantment,  little 
by  little,  he  stood  at  the  end  of  the  instrument,  absorbed  in  the 
music,  and  his  eyes  fixed  with  an  intense  gaze  on  the  lady's  coun- 
tenance— and  at  last,  when  the  music  ceased  at  the  conclusion  of 
some  piece  of  Beethoven's,  he  heaved  a  profound  sigh,  and  thus 
fervently  said : — 

"If  I  had  a  puttee  wife  and  such  a  fixin,  I'd  never  want  nothing 
no  more  no  how !" 

Reader !  that  man  had  a  soul !  Sweet  sounds  and  a  fair  face — 
(my  mother-in-law  had  been  a  very  beautiful  woman, — now 
touched  chords  in  his  heart  never  before  so  vibrated;  and  there 

4  This  was  Mrs.  Mary  Ann  Ketchem,  according  to  a  letter  of  Hall, 
1855. 


THIRD  YEAR  263 

came  ill-defined  but  enrapturing  visions — so  lofty!  so  aerial!  so 
unlike  his  cabin,  his  sisters,  and,  perhaps,  his  sweetheart !  Wo  to 
the  fop  who  then  should  even  have  looked  impertinence  towards 
the  musician!  Ah!  sweetheart!  for  an  instant  thy  image  was 
away !  Thy  lover  had  caught  a  dim  glimpse  of  a  region  and  at- 
mosphere where  a  more  refined  lady-love  only  could  live! 

And  so  we  were  now  fully  under  weigh  at  Woodville,  selling, 
buying,  keeping  school,  and  playing  the  piano — the  last  important 
affair  being  sadly  interrupted  by  the  duties  of  house-keeping.  Mrs. 
C.  began  more  clearly  to  understand  an  elegant  phrase,  addressed 
to  her  at  our  entrance  into  the  wooden  country — "the  working  of 
one's  own  ash-hopper."  A  girl  was  indeed  caught,  (although  the 
creatures  were  shy  as  wild  turkeys)  about  once  a  month;  but  the 
success  was  only  small  relief  to  the  mistress.  It  might  be  a  kind  of 
relief  from  rough  scrubbing  and  washing;  from  little  else,  how- 
ever, as  other  work  must  be  rectified  and  often  re-cleaned.  Did  a 
girl  fancy,  too,  herself  undervalued? — was  she  not  asked  to  the 
'first  table  with  company? — not  included  in  invitations  sent  us 
from  "big  bug"  families? — not  called  Miss  Jane  or  Eliza? — she 
was  off  in  a  moment!  Real  malice  is  often  mixed  with  the  dud- 
geons ;  dough  half  kneaded  is  deserted  by  the  young  lady — clothes 
abandoned  in  the  first  suds — batter  left,  and  that  at  the  instant 
you  invite  your  company  to  sit  up,  and  expect  "the  young  woman 
that  goes  out  to  help  her  neighbours  in  a  pinch"  to  be  coming  in 
with  the  first  plate  of  flannel  cakes ! 

But  if  one  unfortunately  catches  a  girl  who  is  a  mad  devotee  to 
some  false  form  of  the  Christian  religion,  the  employer  will  be 
systematically  cheated,  under  the  vile  plea  of  higher  obligations  to 
attend  the  thousand  and  one  meetings  got  up  by  self-righteous 
revival  makers.  We  have  by  such  'been  left  on  a  sick-bed,  and 
when  it  was  by  some  supposed  we  were  actually  dying! — her 
spiritual  advisers  held  a  fanatical  meeting  that  hour,  and  off  she 
hurried,  though  paid  to  nurse !  Such  a  thing  would  not  now  be 
thought  worthy  record,  if  we  were  not  too  well  apprised  that 
even  in  here,  girls,  gals,  helps,  servants,  and  apprentices,  are  but 
poorly  instructed  by  some  flaming  religionists  as  to  the  sacred 
duties  of  their  offices;  and  that  some  of  these  helps,  although 
paid,  fed,  clothed,  and  nursed  in  sickness  by  the  employers,  are, 


264  THIRD  YEAR 

if  not  expressly  taught,  yet  really  encouraged,  to  slight  their 
work — to  be  impertinent — and  to  pay  no  respect  to  proper  family 
hours  at  night,  or  even  to  the  solemnities  of  a  domestic  religion ! 

Hence  a  New  Purchase  is  not  the  most  pleasant  place  in  the 
world  for  boarding-school  young  ladies — or  indeed  for  any 
females*  who  have  not  muscles  of  oak  and  patience  of  an  ox. 
Let  then,  no  fair  lady  who  can  remain  in  an  old  settlement,  ven- 
ture into  a  new  one  from  mere  poetical  reasons ;  or  till  she  has  long 
and  deeply  pondered  this  phrase  and  its  cognates — "to  work  your 
own  ash-hopper !"  And  if  a  nice  young  gentleman  engaged  to  be 
married  to  a  pretty  delicate  lily-flower  of  loveliness,  is  meditating 
"to  flit"  to  a  bran  new  settlement,  let  him  know  that  out  there 
rough  men,  with  rare  exceptions,  regard  wives  as  squaws,  and  as 
they  often  expressed  their  views  to  Mr.  Carlton,  "have  no  idee 
of  sich  weak,  feminy,  wimmin  bodies  as  warnt  brung  up  to  sling 
a  dinner-pot — kill  a  varmint — and  make  leather  brichises !" 

MORAL. 
Better  to  marry  in  the  Range. 


CHAPTER   XXXIV. 

-quodeunque    ostendis    mihi    sic,    incredulns    odi." 
-I  am  slow  to  believe  fish  stories." 


OUR  Board  of  Trustees,  it  will  be  remembered,  had  been  di- 
rected by  the  Legislature  to  procure,  as  the  ordinance  called  it, 
"Teachers  for  the  commencement  of  the  State  College  at  Wood- 
ville."  That  business  by  the  Board  was  committed  to  Dr.  Sylvan 
and  Robert  Carlton — the  most  learned  gentlemen  of  the  body, 
and  of — the  New  Purchase ! *  Our  honourable  Board  will  be 

*  Woman.5 

5  Hall's  original  footnote. 

1  These  pages  seem  confusing  and  can  hardly  be  consistent  with  his- 
torical facts.  This  comes  from  Hall's  playing  the  two  characters,  Robert 
Carlton  and  Rev.  Charles  Clarence.  Hall  was  never  a  member  of  the 
Board  of  Trustees  of  the  Seminary.  The  First  Board  by  the  Act  creat- 
ing the  Seminary,  January  20,  1820  consisted  of  the  following:  Charles 
Dewey,  Jonathan  Lindley,  David  H.  Maxwell,  John  M.  Jenkins,  Jonathan 


THIRD  YEAR  265 

specially  introduced  hereafter;  at  present  we  shall  bring  forward 
certain  rejected  candidates,  that  like  rejected  prize  essays,  they 
may  tie  published,  and  thus  have  their  revenge. 

None  can  tell  us  how  plenty  good  things  are  till  he  looks  for 
them;  and  hence,  to  the  great  surprise  of  the  Committee,  there 
seemed  to  be  a  sudden  growth  and  a  large  crop  of  persons  even 
in  and  around  Woodville,  either  already  qualified  for  the  "Profes- 
sorships," as  we  named  them  in  our  publications,  or  who  could 
"qualify"  by  the  time  of  election.  As  to  the  "chair"  named  also 
in  our  publications,  one  very  worthy  and  disinterested  school- 
master offered,  as  a  great  collateral  inducement  for  his  being 
elected,  "to  find  his  own  chair!" — a  vast  saving  to  the  State,  if  the 
same  chair  I  saw  in  Mr.  Whackum's  school-room.  For  his  chair 
there  was  one  with  a  hickory  bottom ;  and  doubtless  he  would  have 
filled  it,  and  even  lapped  over  its  edges,  with  equal  dignity  in  the 
recitation  room  of  Big  College. 

The  Committee  had,  at  an  early  day,  given  an  invitation  to  the 
Rev.  Charles  Clarence,  A.M.  of  New  Jersey,  and  his  answer  had 
been  affirmative;  yet  for  political  reasons  we  had  been  obliged 
to  invite  competitors,  or  make  them,  and  we  found  and  created 
"a  right  smart  sprinkle." 

Hopes  of  success  were  built  on  many  things — for  instance,  on 
poverty,  a  plea  being  entered  that  some  thing  ought  to  be  done 
for  the  poor  fellow — on  one's  having  taught  a  common  school  all 
his  born  days,  who  now  deserved  to  rise  a  peg — on  political,  or 
religious,  or  fanatical  partizan  qualifications — and  on  pure  patri- 
otic principles,  such  as  a  person's  having  been  "born  in  a  cane- 
brake  and  rocked  in  a  sugar  trough."  On  the  other  hand,  a  fat, 
dull-headed,  and  modest  Englishman  asked  for  a  place,  because 
he  had  been  born  in  Liverpool  and  had  seen  the  world  beyond  the 
woods  and  waters  too!  And  another  fussy,  talkative,  pragmatical 
little  gentleman,  rested  his  pretensions  on  his  ability  to  draw  and 

Nickols,  and  William  Lowe.  Maxwell  and  Lowe  had  been  members  of  the 
Constitutional  Convention  of  Corydon,  1816.  On  pp.  186-7  of  Volume  I  the 
text  asserts,  "I  was  finally  made  a  trustee  of  the  State  College  at  Wood- 
ville,— The  appointment,  however,  was  not  made  till  Mr.  J.  Glenville 
(John  M.  Young)  took  his  seat  in  our  legislature  in  182-  ."  Young  was  a 
member  of  the  legislature  in  1828,  and  no  record  can  be  found  of  his 
having  been  a  member  of  a  previous  legislature. 


266  THIRD  YEAR 

paint  maps! — not  projecting  them  in  round  about  scientific  pro- 
cesses, but  in  that  speedy  and  elegant  style  in  which  young  ladies 
copy  maps  at  first  chop  boarding  schools !  Nay,  so  transcendant 
seemed  Mr.  Mercator's  claims,  when  his  show  or  sample  maps 
were  exhibited  to  us,  that  some  in  our  Board,  and  nearly  every 
body  out  of  it,  was  confident  he  would  do  for  Professor  of 
Mathematics  and  even  Principal. 

But  of  all  our  unsuccessful  candidates,  we  shall  introduce  by 
name  only  two — Mr.  James  Jimmey,  A.S.S.,  and  Mr.  Solomon 
Rapid,  A.  to  Z. 

Mr.  Jimmey,  who  aspired  to  the  mathematical  chair,  was  master 
of  a  small  school  of  all  sexes,  near  Woodville.  At  the  first,  he  was 
kindly,  yet  honestly  told,  his  knowledge  was  too  limited  and  in- 
accurate ;  yet,  notwithstanding  this,  and  some  almost  rude  repulses 
afterwards,  he  persisted  in  his  application  and  his  hopes.  To 
give  evidence  of  competency,  he  once  told  me  he  was  arranging  a 
new  spelling-book,  the  publication  of  which  would  make  him 
known  as  a  literary  man,  and  be  an  unspeakable  advantage  to  "the 
rising  generation."  And  this"  naturally  brought  on  the  following 
colloquy  about  the  work: — 

"Ah!  indeed!  Mir.  Jimmey?" 

"Yes,  indeed,  Mr.  Carlton." 

"On  what  new  principle  do  you  go,  sir?" 

"Why,  sir,  on  the  principles  of  nature  and  common  sense.  I 
allow  school-books  for  schools  are  all  too  powerful  obstruse  and 
hard-like  for  to  be  understood  without  exemplifying  illustrations." 

"Yes,  but  Mr.  Jimmy,  how  is  a  child's  spelling-book  to  be  made 
any  plainer?" 

"Why,  sir,  by  clear  explifications  of  the  words  in  one  column, 
by  exemplifying  illustrations  in  the  other." 

"I  do  not  understand  you,  Mr.  Jimmey,  give  me  a  specimen — " 

"Sir?" 

"An  example " 

"To  be  sure — here's  a  spes-a-example ;  you  see,  for  instance,  I 
put  in  the  spelling-column,  C-r-e-a-m,  cream,  and  here  in  the  ex- 
plification  column,  I  put  the  exemplifying  illustration — Unctious 
part  of  milk !" 

We  had  asked,  at  our  first  interview,  if  our  candidate  was  an 


THIRD  YEAR  267 

algebraist,  and  his  reply  was  negative;  but,  ''he  allowed  he  could 
qualify  by  the  time  of  election,  as  he  was  powerful  good  at  figures, 
and  had  cyphered  clean  through  every  arithmetic  he  had  ever 
seen,  promiscuous  questions  and  all !"  Hence,  some  weeks  after, 
as  I  was  passing  his  door,  on  my  way  to  a  squirrel  hunt,  with  a 
party  of  friends,  Mr.  Jimmey,  hurrying  out  with  a  slate  in  his 
hand,  begged  me  to  stop  a  moment,  and  thus  addressed  me : — 

"Well,  Mr.  Carlton,  this  algebra  is  a  most  powerful  thing — 
aintit?" 

"Indeed  it  is,  Mr.  Jimmey — have  you  been  looking  into  it?" 

"Looking  into  it!  I  have  been  all  through  this  here  fust  part, 
and  by  election  time,  I  allow  I'll  be  ready  for  examination." 

"Indeed!" 

"Yes,  sir!  but  it  is  such  a  pretty  thing!  Only  to  think  of 
cyphering  by  letters!  Why,  sir,  the  sums  come  out,  and  bring 
the  answers  exactly  like  figures!  Jist  stop  a  minute — look  here; 
a  stands  for  6,  b  stands  for  8,  and  c  stands  for  4,  and  d  stands  for 
figure  10;  now  if  I  say  a-f-b — c=d,  it  is  all  the  same  as  if  I  said, 
6  is  6  and  8  makes  14,  and  4  substracted,  leaves  10 ! !  Why,  sir,  I 
done  a  whole  slate  full  of  letters  and  signs ;  and  afterwards,  when 
I  tried  by  figures,  they  every  one  of  them  came  out  right  and 
brung  the  answer!  I  mean  to  cypher  by  letters  altogether." 

"Mr.  Jimmey,  my  company  is  nearly  out  of  sight — if  you  can  get 
along  this  way  through  simple  and  quadratic  equations  by  our 
meeting,  your  chance  will  not  be  so  bad — good  morning,  sir." 

But  our  man  of  "letters"  quit  cyphering  the  new  way,  and  re- 
turned to  plain  figures  long  before  reaching  equations ;  and  so  he 
could  not  become  our  professor.  Yet  anxious  to  do  us  all  the 
good  in  his  power,  after  our  college  opened,  he  waited  on  me,  a 
leading  trustee,  with  a  proposal  to  board  our  students,  and  au- 
thorised me  to  publish — "as  how  Mr.  James  Jimmey  will  take 
strange  students  (students  not  belonging  to  Woodville)  to  board, 
at  one  dollar  a  week,  and  find  every  thing,  washing  included,  and 
will  black  their  shoes  three  times  a  week  to  boot,  and — give  them 
their  dog-zvood  and  cherry-bitters  every  morning  into  the  bargain! 

The  most  extraordinary  candidate,  however,  was  Mr.  Solomon 
Rapid.  He  was  now  somewhat  advanced  into  the  shaving  age, 
and  was  ready  to  assume  offices  the  most  opposite  in  character; 


268  THIRD  YEAR 

although  justice  compels  us  to  say  Mr.  Rapid  was  as  fit  for  one 
thing  as  another.  Deeming  it  waste  of  time  to  prepare  for  any 
station  till  he  was  certain  of  obtaining  it,  he  wisely  demanded  the 
place  first,  and  then  set  to  work  to  become  qualified  for  its  duties, 
being,  I  suspect  the  very  man,  or  some  relation  of  his,  who  is 
recorded  as  not  knowing  whether  he  could  read  Greek,  as  he  had 
never  tried.  And,  beside,  Mr.  Solomon  Rapid  contended  that  all 
offices,  from  president  down  to  fence-viewer,  were  open  to  every 
white  American  citizen;  and  that  every  republican  had  a  blood 
bought  right  to  seek  any  that  struck  his  fancy ;  and  if  the  profits 
were  less,  or  the  duties  more  onerous  than  had  been  anticipated, 
that  a  man  ought  to  resign  and  try  another. 

Naturally,  therefore,  Mr.  Rapid,  thought  he  would  like  to  sit 
in  our  chair  of  languages,  or  have  some  employment  in  the  State 
college ;  and  hence  he  called  for  that  purpose  on  Dr.  Sylvan,  who, 
knowing  the  candidate's  character,  maliciously  sent  him  to  me. 
Accordingly,  the  young  gentleman  presented  himself,  and  without 
ceremony,  instantly  made  known  his  business  thus: — 

"I  heerd,  sir,  you  wanted  somebody  to  teach  the  State  school, 
and  I'm  come  to  let  you  know  I'm  willing  to  take  the  place." 

"Yes,  sir,  we  are  going  to  elect  a  professor  of  languages  who 
is  to  be  the  principal,  and  a  professor " 

"Well,  I  don't  care  which  I  take,  but  I'm  willing  to  be  the 
principal.  I  can  teach  sifring,  reading,  writing,  jogger-free,  sur- 
veying, grammur,  spelling,  definitions,  parsin " 

"Are  you  a  linguist?" 

"Sir!" 

"You  of  course  understand  the  dead  languages?" 

"Well,  can't  say  I  ever  seed  much  of  them,  though  I  have  heerd 
tell  of  them;  but  I  can  soon  larn  them — they  aint  more  than  a 
few  of  them  I  allow?" 

"Oh !  my  dear  sir,  it  is  not  possible — we — can't " 

"Well,  I  never  seed  what  I  couldn't  larn  about  as  smart  as  any 
body " 

"Mr.  Rapid,  I  do  not  mean  to  question  your  abilities ;  but  if  you 
are  now  wholly  unacquainted  with  the  dead  languages,  it  is  im- 
possible for  you  or  any  other  talented  man  to  learn  them  under 
four  or  five  years." 


THIRD  YEAR  269 

"Pshoo  foo !  I'll  bet  I  larn  one  in  three  weeks !  Try  me,  sir — 
let's  have  the  f  urst  one  f  urst — how  many  are  there  ?" 

"Mr.  Rapid,  it  is  utterly  impossible;  but  if  you  insist,  I  will 
loan  you  a  Latin  book " 

"That's  your  sorts,  let's  have  it,  that's  all  I  want,  fair  play" 

Accordingly,  I  handed  him  a  copy  of  Historiae  Sacrae  with 
which  he  soon  went  away,  saying,  he  "didn't  allow  it  would  take 
long  to  git  through  Latin,  if  'twas  only  sich  a  thin  patch  of  a 
book  as  that." 

In  a  few  weeks,  to  my  no  small  surprise,  Mr.  Solomon  Rapid 
again  presented  himself ;  and  drawing  forth  the  book  began  with 
a  triumphant  expression  of  countenance: — 

"Well,  sir,  I  have  done  the  Latin." 

"Done  the  Latin!" 

"Yes,  I  can  read  it  as  fast  as  English." 

"Read  it  as  fast  as  English ! !" 

"Yes,  as  fast  as  English — and  I  didn't  find  it  hard  at  all." 

"May  I  try  you  on  a  page?" 

"Try  away,  try  away;  that's  what  I've  come  for." 

"Please  read  here  then,  Mr.  Rapid ;"  and  in  order  to  give  him  a 
fair  chance,  I  pointed  to  the  first  lines  of  the  first  chapter,  viz; 
"In  principio  deus  creavit  caelum  et  terram  intra  sex  dies ;  primo 
die  fecit  lucem,"  &c. 

"That,  sir?"  and  then  he  read  thus,  "in  prinspo  duse  cree-vit 
kalelum  et  terum  intra 2  sex  dyes — primmo  dye  f e-f e-sit  looseum," 
&c. 

"That  will  do,  Mr.  Rapid " 

"Ah!  ha!  I  told  you  so." 

"Yes, — yes  but  translate." 

"Translate?  !"  (eyebrows  elevating.) 

"Yes,  translate,  render  it." 

"Render  it!!  how's  that?"  (forehead  more  wrinkled.) 

"Why,  yes,  render  it  into  English — give  me  the  meaning  of  it." 

"MEANING!!"  (staring  full  in  my  face,  his  eyes  like  saucers, 

2  Our  Yankee  linguists  will  rejoice  to  know  that  Mr.  Rapid  pronounced 
that  a  just  as  flat  and  calfish  as  themselves;  as  they  thus  have  untutored 
nature  on  their  side,  just  as  the  Egyptian  King  had  the  goats  and  the 
babies  on  his. 


270  THIRD  YEAR 

and  forehead  wrinkled  with  the  furrows  of  eighty) — "MEANING!! 
I  didn't  know  it  had  any  meaning.  I  thought  it  was  a  DEAD 
language ! !" 

****** 

Well,  reader,  I  am  glad  you  are  not  laughing  at  Mr.  Rapid ;  for 
how  should  any  thing  dead  speak  out  so  as  to  be  understood  ?  And 
indeed,  does  not  his  definition  suit  the  vexed  feelings  of  some 
young  gentlemen  attempting  to  read  Latin  without  any  interlinear 
translation?  and  who  inwardly,  cursing  both  book  and  teacher, 
blast  their  souls  "if  they  can  make  any  sense  out  of  it."  The 
ancients 3  may  yet  speak  in  their  own  languages  to  a  few ;  but 
to  most  who  boast  the  honour  of  their  acquaintance,  they  are 
certainly  dead  in  the  sense  of  Solomon  Rapid. 

Our  honourable  board  of  trustees  at  last  met ;  and  after  a  real 
attempt  by  some,  and  a  pretended  one  by  others,  to  elect  one  and 
another  out  of  the  three  dozen  candidates,  the  Reverend  Charles 
Clarence,  A.M.,  was  chosen  our  principal  and  professor  of  lan- 
guages; and  that  to  the  chagrin  of  Mr.  Rapid  and  other  disap- 
pointed persons,  who  all  from  that  moment  united  in  determined 
and  active  hostility  towards  the  college,  Mr.  Clarence,  Dr.  Sylvan, 
Mr.  Carlton,  and,  in  short,  towards  "every  puss  proud  aristocrat 
big-bug,  and  darn'd  blasted  Yankee  in  the  New  Purchase." 


CHAPTER   XXXV. 

"Die  mihi,  si  fueris  tu  leo,  qualis  eris?" 

"Let  us  play  the  lion  too;  I  will  roar  that  I  will  do  any  man's  heart 
good  to  hear  me ;  I  will  roar  that  I  will  make  the  duke  say,  "Let  him 


SCARCELY  had  our  college  excitements  subsided,  when  we  were 
favoured  by  a  visit  from  two  apostolic  new  lights.  These  holely 
men  worked  by  inspiration,  and  had  from  heaven  patent  ways  of 
converting  folks  by  wholesale — by  towns,  villages,  and  settle- 
ments; although  it  must  be  owned,  the  converts  would  not  stay 

8  Like  the  Bible,  the  dead  languages  are  in  bad  odour  in  the  Independent 
Republican  Common  Schools  under  Foreign  influence. 


THIRD  YEAR  271 

converted.  And  yet  these  men  did  verily  do  wonders  at  Wood- 
ville,  as  much  so  as  if  by  Mesmerism  or  Mormonism  or  Catholi- 
cism they  had  magnetised  and  stupefied  all  our  moral  and  spiritual 
phrenological  developments!  If  the  doctrine  be  true,  as  some 
religious  editors  assert,  and  we  suppose  on  good  authority,  that 
the  sect  which  can  in  the  shortest  time  convert  the  most  is  the 
favourite  with  heaven,  then  our  new  lights  deserved  the  appella- 
tion they  gave  themselves — Christians. 

Our  priests  depended  on  no  "high  larnin," — set  no  apples  of 
gold  in  frames  of  silver,  but  despised  "man-hatch'd  fillosof ees ;" 
and  we  may  add,  even  harmless  grammar,  being  as  they  said 
"poor,  unlarn'd,  ignorant  men,"  and  also,  unshaved,  uncomb'd, 
and  fearfully  dirt-begrimed — close  imitators,  as  they  insisted,  of 
primitive  Christianity.  All  they  did  was  "goin  from  house  to 
house  a  eatin  and  drinkin  sich  as  was  set  afore  them,"  bellowing 
prayers,  snivelling  and  sobbing,  and  slobbering  over  man,  woman, 
and  child,  and  'a  begginin  and  beseechinin  on  them  to  come  to 
meetin."  And  as  meetings  were  held  at  every  hour  of  every  day 
and  every  night,  we  lived  on  the  trot  in  going  to  and  from  them — 
becoming  thus  a  very  peculiar,  if  not  a  very  good  people. 

At  meeting,  our  venerable  teachers  prayed  as  loud  and  perti- 
naciously as  the  priests  of  Baal,  aided,  however,  by  amateurs  in 
the  congregations ;  yet  with  it  all,  we  never  advanced  beyond  oh  !- 
ing  and  ah  !-ing.  Still,  definite  petitions  were  often  presented, 
some  for  "onreginerit  worldlins,"  some  for  "hypocrit  professors," 
and  many  "for  folks  what  believed  in  John  Calvin's  religion  and 
hadn't  never  been  convarted."  But  as  it  was  of  importance  to 
have  certain  persons  saved,  and  the  divinity  of  the  new  lights 
might  not  fully  understand  who  was  meant,  names  were  mentioned 
in  prayer,  as  "dear  brother  Smith,"  or  poor  "dear  sister  Brown," 
and  sometimes  titles  were  added,  as  "dear  Squire  Goodman,"  or 
"dear  Major  Meanwell." 

I  never  had  the  pleasure  of  hearing  the  bulls  of  Bashan  roar ; 
yet,  having  heard  our  new  light  preachers,'  I  can  now  form  a 
better  conjecture  as  to  that  peculiar  eloquence;  at  all  events,  our 
two  preachers  foamed  like  a  modern  bull  worried  by  boys  and 
butchers'  dogs,  and  never  gave  over  till  exhausted.  Often  what 
they  said  was  unknown,  as  their  words  seemed  to  burst  asunder 


272  THIRD  YEAR 

as  soon  as  let  out — peculiar  shells  from  wonderful  mortars !  And 
these  two  personages  as  far  excelled  poor  Philip  in  noise,  grimace, 
and  incoherence;  as  he  excelled  in  those  qualities,  a  delicate  divine 
of  the  nineteenth  century,  who  reads  a  sleepy  second-rate  didactic 
discourse  of  a  warm  afternoon  in  dog-days,  in  Pompous  Square 
church;  and  that  when  the  Rev.  Doctor  Feminit  fears  the 
bronchitis. 

And  yet  by  this  simple  machinery,  and  well  worked,  in  about 
two  weeks  our  new  lights  had  converted  every  man,  woman, 
and  child  in  Woodville,  except  Dr.  Sylvan,  Mr.  Carlton,  and 
some  other  half  dozen  hardened  sinners  that  would  'stout  it  out 
any  how !"  And  now,  from  every  house,  alley,  grove,  orchard, 
resounded  forth  curious  groans,  outcries,  yells,  and  other  hell-a- 
beloo's  of  private  prayer!  For  all  this  was  called  private  prayer! 
— the  Scriptures,  indeed,  directing  otherwise;  but  Barton  Stone, 
and  Campbell  Stone  can  do  much  more  with  people  out  there  than 
Peter  Stone  the  apostle;  and  men  naturally  love  the  fanatical 
Pharisaism  of  pseudo-inspired  teachers,  councils  and  conclaves. 

An  opinion  was  held  by  most  of  our  fanatics,  that  direct, 
earnest,  and  persevering  prayer  would  result  in  the  instantaneous 
conversion  of  any  one  in  whose  favour  it  was  made;  and  of 
course  to  the  most  opposite  creeds !  This  naturally  led  to  some 
ridiculous  consequences;  for  it  soon  was  argued  that  if  an  un- 
regenerate  man  could  be  got  by  any  art  or  contrivance,  or  coaxing, 
to  pray  right  earnestly  for  himself,  and  cry  out  loud  and  long 
for  mercy,  he  would  be  immediately  converted ;  nay,  it  was  held 
to  be  efficacious  if  he  could  be  forced  by  physical  means  to  pray ! 
Hence  among  other  things  of  the  sort,  one  of  our  domestic  chap- 
lains, a  very  large  and  fat  man,  now  stirred  up  and  enlivened 
by  this  visit  of  the  good  men,  overtook  a  neighbour  in  the 
woods  going  to  meeting,  and  after  having  in  vain  exhorted  the 
person  "to  fall  right  down  on  his  knees  and  cry  for  mercy," 
he  suddenly  leaped  on  the  incorrigible  rascal,  and  cast  him  to  the 
earth  ;  and  then  getting  astride  the  humbled  sinner,  he  pressed  him 
with  the  weight  of  225lbs.  avoirdupois,  till  he  cried  out  with 
sufficient  earnestness  and  intensity  to  "get  religion !"  Nor  did  this 
convert  made  by  so  novel  a  papistical  engine  fall  away  any  sooner 
than  most  other  converts  mechanically  forced,  although  by  differ- 


THIRD  YEAR  273 

ent  contrivances — he  hung  on  some  weeks.  Besides,  if  little 
children  in  western  New- York  were  whipped  with  a  rod  into  the 
kingdom  of  heaven,  why  should  not  a  stout  sinner,  too  big  for 
that  disciplne,  be  pommelled  into  the  same  kingdom  in  the  New 
Purchase,  by  Bishop  Paunch? 

And  would  not  more  persons  have  been  converted  to  Oberlinism, 
Finneyism,  or  Abolitionism,  or  Anyism,  if,  after  the  manner  with 
our  new  lights,  folks  had  more  frequently  been  characterized  by 
their  entire  names  and  employments,  when  prayed  for?  Indeed, 
one  distinguished  lawyer  in  Western  New- York,  always  ascribed 
his  non-conversion,  after  innumerable  prayers  made  for  him  in 
public,  and  even  by  name,  to  the  unfortunate  omission  of  his 
middle  name ! 

Religious  reader !  do  not  mistake  us ;  we  are  laughing  at  Satan's 
delusions !  And  we  lived  long  enough  to  find  true  what  we  once 
heard  a  very  learned,  talented  and  pious  minister  of  the  Gospel 
say,  that  "all  such  excitements  from  false  religions  were  sure  to 
be  followed  by  infidelity."  Our  evangelical  churches  were  for 
a  time  deserted;  our  family  altars  abandoned;  our  domestic 
intercourse  ruined ;  the  Sabbath  desecrated ;  the  sacred  name  pro- 
faned, and  his  attributes  sneered  at;  and  avowed  and  flaming 
converts  to  fanaticism  were,  in  two  or  three  years  after,  reeling 
drunkards,  midnight  gamblers,  open  and  unblushing  atheists! 
Nay,  assembled  in  a  certain  grog-shop — (out  there  appropriately 
called  "a  doggery") — three  years  after  did  some  of  the  man-made 
converts  form  a  horrible  crew  that  tied  up  against  the  wall  one 
of  their  party  in  a  mock  crucifixion! — and  setting  fire  to  rum 
poured  on  the  floor,  they  called  it — "the  blazes  of  hell ! !" 
****** 

But  a  religious  incident  reminds  me  of  my  friend,  Insidias 
Cutswell,  Esq.  And  his  history  adds  to  the  many  instances  of 
self-education  ^and  self-elevation.  His  career,  it  was  said  by  his 
political  enemies,  began  with  his  being  a  musician  to  a  caravan  of 
travelling  animals ;  but  it  argues  great  intrinsic  genius,  that  a  man 
ever  made  the  attempt  to  rise  from  such  a  life,  and  had  skill  and 
tact  to  use  opportunities,  by  thousands  in  like  circumstances  suf- 
fered to  pass  unheeded.  Rise,  however,  Mr.  Cutswell  did,  till  in 
all  that  country  he  stood  intellectually  pre-eminent,  and  was  justly 


274  THIRD  YEAR 

celebrated  for  learning,  enterprise,  skill  in  his  legal  profession, 
and,  as  a  political  leader.  Since  then  he  has  stood  on  elevated 
pinnacles,  both  east  and  west ;  and  had  his  spiritual  man  been  good 
as  the  intellectual,  there  would  he  be  still  standing ; — and  perhaps 
higher.  Contrary  to  the  old  saws,  "virtue  is  its  own  reward"  and 
"honesty  is  the  best  policy"  moral  excellency  does  not  always  meet 
with  earthly  rewards;  but  yet,  the  retirement  of  some  talented 
men,  is  occasionally  owing  to  moral  causes  rather  than  political 
ones.  And  hence,  many  lamented  that  this  gentleman  had  not 
been  as  good  as  he  was  great. 

Mr.  C.  was  a  good  Latin  and  Greek  scholar,  and  well  acquainted 
with  antiquities  and  other  subjects  cognate  with  the  classics.  He 
was  deeply  versed  in  the  books  of  law,  and  extensively  read  in 
history,  political  economy,  agriculture,  architecture,  chemistry, 
natural  philosophy,  and  metaphysics;  and  he  was,  moreover,  an 
excellent  orator,  using  in  his  speeches  the  best  language  and  with 
the  just  pronunciation. 

But,1  my  friend  had  two  venial  faults;  one  in  common  with 
most  politicians  out  (?)  there,  and  one  peculiar  to  himself — 
maybe. 

The  first  of  these,  was  selfishness,  and  its  consequence  moral 
cowardice.  Hence,  little  reliance  could  be  placed  in  Mr.  Cutswell 
by  his  friends — his  enemies  had  in  this  respect  the  advantage  of 
his  friends.  And  hence,  he  had  continual  resort  to  log-rolling  ex- 
pedients ;  to  some  of  doubtful  morality ;  and  to  some  positively 
sinful,  in  order  to  acquire  or  retain  political  ascendancy.  Still, 
he  was  the  most  sagacious  man  I  ever  knew  at  making  political 
somersets;  for  he  turned  so  adroitly  and  so  noiselessly,  as  to 
cheat  the  eyes  of  beholders,  and  make  it  doubtful  often  whether 
he  was  on  his  head  or  his  feet;  indeed,  he  kept  such  a  continual 
whirl  as  to  seem  always  in  the  same  place,  and  yet  he  was  always 
in  a  different  one !  Or  to  change  figures,  he  never  turned  with 
the  tide,  but  watching  the  symptoms  of  ebbs  and  flows  he  turned 
a  little  before  the  tide ;  and  thus,  he  always  passed  for  a  meritor-i- 
ous,  patriotic,  people-loving  leader  of  the  true  and  honest  party — 
i.  e.  the  strongest,  instead  of  a  rag-tag  and  bob  tailed  follower  in 

1  But,   is  here  an  adversative  conjunction:   commonly  employed   after 
high  praise  of  one's   friends. 


THIRD  YEAR  275 

search  of  loaves  and  fishes.  Yea!  he  so  managed  that  the  world 
usually  said  "Well,  Cutswell's  friends  have  deserted  him,  poor 
fellow!" — when  all  the  time  Mr.  Insidias  Cutswell,  poor  fellow, 
had  deserted  them! 

The  other  foible  of  his  was  a  grand  deportment  put  on  like  a 
cloak  when  he  entered  elevated  society,  but  laid  aside  in  his 
chambers  or  among  the  canaille.  Doubtless  this  arose  from  a  mis- 
taken notion  of  what  constitutes  good  behaviour  as  he  was  passing 
from  the  grub  to  the  winged  state ;  and,  maybe,  to  conceal  that  he 
had  not  always  soared  but  sometimes  creeped.  For  instance, 
nothing  could  transcend  the  pomp  of  his  manner  and  dress  on 
some  occasions,  when  from  home,  unless  a  New  Purchase  "Gob- 
bler" in  the  gallanting  season ;  and  then  his  style  of  taking  snuff 
when  in  full  costume  and  under  the  eye  of  magnates,  was  equal 
to  a  Lord  Chamberlain's — it  made  you  sneeze  to  witness  it! 

First  came  an  attitude — so  grand ! — it  looked  as  if  it  had  been 
studied  on  a  cellar  door  under  the  windows  of  a  print  shop,  from 
an  engraving  of  Cook,  or  Kean,  or  Kemble  in  royal  robes  at  the 
acme  of  his  sublime!  Oh!  the  magnificence  of  that  look!  And 
next,  the  polished  box  or  fragrant  sternutatory  powder  (which 
he  took  instead  of  snuff)  would  be  extracted  from  the  receptacle 
of  an  inner  vest,  a  single  finger  and  thumb  being  delicately  in- 
sinuated for  that  duty ;  and  the  box  thus  withdrawn  with  so  be- 
witching a  grace  would  then  be  held  a  moment  or  two  till  my  lord 
had  completed  some  elaborate  period,  or  till  his  deep  interest  in 
the  absorbing  nothings  you  were  uttering  should  seem  suspended 
by  your  own  pausing.  At  that  instant,  his  eye  glancing  in  play- 
ful alternation  from  his  friend's  face  to  the  box,  he  would  perform 
a  scale  of  rapid  taps  on  the  side  of  the  box  with  the  index  finger 
of  the  dexter  hand  to  wake  up.  the  sternutatory  inmate;  after 
which,  modestly  removing  or  opening  the  lid,  he  would,  in  the 
manner  of  Sacas,  the  Persian  cup-bearer,  first  present  the  delicious 
aromatic  for  your  touch,  and  then  with  his  own  finger  and  thumb 
a  moment  suspended  in  a  pouncing  position,  he  would  suddenly 
dart  on  to  the  triturated  essence  and  snatch  hurriedly  thence  the 
tiniest  portion  possible.  Arresting  now  his  hand  half  way  in  its 
upward  flight,  the  pinch  downward  yet  at  the  tips  of  the  finger 
and  the  thumb,  he  would  for  the  last  time  look  with  an  interesting 


276  THIRD  YEAR 

smile  into  his  friend's  face,  and  in  the  midst  of  that  gay  sunshine, 
suddenly  turning  the  pinch  under  his  own  olfactory  organ,  he 
would  inhale  the  perfume  with  the  most  musical  sniffle  imagina- 
ble! Retrograde  motions  and  curves  of  becoming  solemnity, 
amplitude  and  grace,  would  close  the  box  and  restore  it  to  the 
inner  vest — and  so  Mr.  Cutswell  would  have  snuffed ! 

Impatient  folks  may  think  it  takes  long  to  describe  a  pinch; 
but,  then,  it  took  still  longer  to  perform  one. 

Mr.  Cutswell,  among  other  matters,  was  no  mean  performer  on 
the  violin ;  and  on  one  occasion,  at  a  private  concert  at  my  house, 
forgetting  his  usual  caution,  he  entertained  me  with  an  anecdote 
about  his  fiddle  and  his  Bishop.  For  be  it  known,  that  like  other 
politicians,  Mr.  C.  was  a  theoretical  member  of  a  religious  people, 
who  looked  on  fiddle-playing  as  on  the  sin  of  witchcraft — although 
I  do  not  know  whether  he  had  ever  received  the  rite  of  confirma- 
tion; yet  nothing  but  his  high  standing  saved  him  from  an  ex- 
communication, that  out  there  would  speedily  have  been  visited  on 
a  poor  player.  Still  his  Bishop  was  a  faithful  shepherd's  dog, 
and  hesitated  not  to  growl  and  bark,  if  he  did  to  bite ;  being,  also, 
one  who  prayed  for  men  sometimes  by  name,  and  at  them  often  by 
description.  And  so  he  contrived  once  to  pray  at  Mr.  Cutswell's 
fiddling  or  rather  against  his  fiddle;  and  nothing  could  ever  so 
belittle  that  instrument  as  this  preacher's  periphrastic  abuse  of  that 
curious  compound  of  catgut,  rosin,  and  horsehair. 

"I  was  present/'  said  Mr.  Cutswell,  laying  down  his  fiddle  and 
bow  upon  our  piano, — "some  few  evenings  since,  after  the  dis- 
charge of  my  legal  duties  at  the  court  house — (attitude  commenc- 
ing for  taking  snuff,) — present,  Mr.  Carlton,  in  the  prayer-room 
of  our  chapel,  a  large  concourse  of  members  being  congregated 
for  the  customary  weekly  devotions."  snuff  box  out.}  "Among 
others  in  the  apartment,  was  our  venerable  Bishop."  (Box  tapped 
and  opened.)  "He  is  a  good  and  worthy  man,  sir;  but  sub  rosa 
not  wholly  exempt  from  prejudice.  Indeed,  as  to  music  gen- 
erally, but  more  especially  that  of  the  violin, —  (finger  and  thumb 
pouncing) — he  entertains  the  most  erroneous  sentiments; — (pinch 
going  upwards) — and  I  fear  that  he  regards  both  myself  and  my 
instrument  with  feelings  of  acerbity."  (Hem! — pinch  inhaled.) 
In  the  course  of  his  prayer  this  evening,  he  contrived  to  adminis- 


THIRD  YEAR  277 

ter  to  myself  in  particular; — (lid  closing) — but  also  to  you,  Mr. 
Carlton  and  all  other  gentlemen  that  handle  the  bow, — (box 
"being"  returned} — the  following  very  severe  and  appropriate 
admonition,  and  in  the  exact  words  I  now  quote : 

"Oh!  Lord!  ah! — I  beseech  thee  to  have  marsy  on  all  them 
there  poor  sinners  what  plays  on  that  instrumint,  whose  sounds  is 
like  the  dying  screech  of  that  there  animal  out  of  whose  intrils  its 
strings  is  made !'  " 

Amen ! — at  a  venture !    (Pompey  or  Csesar.) 


CHAPTER   XXXVI. 

"Forgive   my   general  and   exceptless   rashness, 
Perpetual   sober   gods !     I    do   proclaim 
One    honest    man — mistake    me    not — but    one." 
"What  find   I  here! 

Fair   Portia's   counterfeit?   what   demi-god 

Hath    come    so    near    creation?" 

THIS  chapter  is  devoted  to  a  man; — Mr.  Vulcanus  Allheart. 
And,  although  he  will  rap  our  knuckles  for  smiling  at  a  few 
smileable  things  in  him,  Mr.  Allheart  will  not  be  displeased  to  see 
that  Mr.  Carlton,  the  author,  remembers  his  friend,  as  Mir. 
Carlton  the  storekeeper  and  tanner,  always  said  he  would,  when 
we  blew  his  bellows  for  him  or  fired  rifles  together. 

During  a  life  somewhat  peculiarly  chequered,  we  have  both 
by  land  and  sea  been  more  or  less  intimate  with  excellent  persons 
in  the  learned  professions,  and  in  the  commercial,  agricultural  and 
mechanical  classes ;  but  never  out  of  the  circle  of  kinsfolk,  in- 
cluding the  agnat'v  and  the  cognati,  have  I  ever  so  esteemed,  ay, 
so  loved  any  one  as  Vulcanus  Allheart.  And  who  and  what  was 
he? 

He  was  by  birth  a  Virginian,  by  trade  a  blacksmith,  by  nature 
a  gentleman,  and  by  grace  a  Christian ;  if  more  need  be  said,  he 
was  a  genius.  Ay !  for  his  sake  to  this  hour  I  love  the  very  sight 
and  smell  of  a  blacksmith's  shop;  and,  many  a  time  in  passing 
one,  do  I  pause  and  steal  a  glance  towards  the  anvil,  vainly  striv- 
ing to  make  some  sooty  hammerer  there  assume  the  form  and  look 
of  my  lame  friend ! — for  he  was  lame  from  a  wound  in  his  thigh 


278  THIRD  YEAR 

received  in  early  life.  Oh !  how  more  than  willing  would  I  stand 
once  more  and  blow  his  bellows  to  help  him  gain  time  for  an 
evening's  hunt,  could  I  but  see  anew  that  honest  charcoal  face 
and  that  noble  soul  speaking  from  those  eyes,  as  he  rested  a 
moment  to  talk  till  his  iron  arrived  at  the  proper  heat  and  colour ! 

But  let  none  suppose  Vulcanus  Allheart  was  a  common  black- 
smith. He  was  master  both  of  the  science  and  the  art,  from  the 
nailing  of  a  horse-shoe  up  to  the  making  of  an  axe;  and  to  do 
either  right,  and  specially  the  latter,  is  a  rare  attainment.  Not 
one  in  a  million  could  make  an  axe  as  Allheart  made  it ;  and  hence 
in  a  wooden  country,  where  life,  civilization,  and  Christianity  it- 
self, are  so  dependent  on  the  axe,  my  blacksmith  was  truly  a 
jewel  of  a  man.  His  axes,  even  where  silver  was  hoarded  as  a 
miser's  gold,  brought,  in  real  cash,  one  dollar  beyond  any  patent 
flashy  affairs  from  New  England,  done  up  in  pine  boxes  and 
painted  half  black,  while  their  edge-part  was  polished  and  shiney 
as  a  new  razor — and  like  that  article,  made  not  to  shave  but  to 
sell;  and  all  this  his  axes  commanded,  spite  of  the  universal  nation, 
all-powerful  and  tricky  as  it  is.  No  man.  in  the  Union  could 
temper  steel  as  my  friend  tempered ;  and  workmen  from  Birming- 
ham and  Sheffield,  who  sometimes  wandered  to  us  from  the 
world  beyond  the  ocean,  were  amazed  to  find  a  man  in  the  Pur- 
chase that  knew  and  practised  their  own  secrets. 

Necessity  led  him  to  attempt  one  thing  and  another  out  of  his 
line,  till,  to  accommodate  neighbours,  (and  any  man  was  his 
neighbour)  he  made  sickles,  locks  and  keys,  augers,  adzes,  chisels, 
planes,  in  short,  any  thing  for  making  which  are  used  iron  and 
steel.  His  fame  consequently  extended  gradually  over  the  West 
two  hundred  miles  at  least  in  any  direction ;  for  from  that  distance 
came  peopje  to  have  well  done  at  Woodville,  what  otherwise 
must  have  been  done,  or  a  sort  of  done,  at  Pittsburgh.  Nay,  liberal 
offers  were  made  to  Allheart  to  induce  him  to  remove  to  Pitts- 
burgh ;  but  he  loved  us  too  much  to  accept  them ;  and  beside,  he 
was  daily  becoming  richer,  having  made  a  very  remarkable  dis- 
covery, which,  however,  he  used  to  impart  to  others  for  a  con- 
sideration— viz.  he  had  found  out  the  curious  art  of  beating  iron 
into  gold.  My  friend  was  indeed  the  great  "Lyon"  of  the  West.1 

1  It  is  hoped  all  the  "Lyon's"  friends  of  Philadelphia  will  patronize 
this  book. 


THIRD  YEAR  279 

Mr.  Allheart's  skill  was  great  also  in  rifle-making,  and  also 
naturally  enough  in  rifle-shooting.  I  have  compared  Pittsburgh 
and  Eastern  and  Down-eastern  rifles  with  his  (for  the  one  con- 
cealed in  my  chamber  is  a  present  from  Allheart),  but  none  are 
so  true,  and  none  have  sights  that  will  permit  the  drawing  of  a 
bead  so  smooth  and  round.  Does  any  maker  doubt  this?  Grant 
me  three  months  to  regain  my  former  skill,  and  I  stake  my  rifle 
against  all  you  have  on  hand,  that  she  beats  the  things,  one  and 
all,  eighty-five  yards  off-hand — or  (as  I  shall  only  give  back  your 
articles)  I'll  try  you  for  the  fun  and  glory  alone!  By  the  way,  do 
you  shoot  with  both  eyes  open?  If  not,  let  me  commend  the  prac- 
tice, both  from  its  superiority  and  because  it  may  save  you  from 
killing  your  own  wife,  as  it  did  Mr.  Allheart  once. 

He  excelled,  we  have  intimated,  as  a  marksman.  Perhaps  in 
horizontal  shooting  he  could  not  have  a  superior ;  for  in  his  hands 
the  rifle  was  motionless  as  if  screwed  in  one  of  his  vices;  and 
thence  would  deliver  ball  after  ball  at  fifty,  sixty,  or  seventy 
yards,  into  one  and  the  same  auger  hole.  For  him  missing  was 
even  difficult ;  and  all  I  had  ever  heard  of  splitting  bullets  on  the 
edge  of  axe  or  knife,  hitting  tenpenny  nails  on  the  head,  and  so 
forth,  was  accomplished  by  Allheart.  And  his  sight  had  become 
like  that  of  the  lynx ;  for  at  the  crack  of  the  gun  he  would  himself 
call  out  where  the  ball  had  struck.  Nor  is  all  this  so  wonderful 
if  we  recollect  that  many  years  in  proving  rifles  he  practised  daily; 
indeed  target-shooting  was  a  branch  of  his  business — and  in  it  his 
skill  became  rare,  ay !  even  bewitching ! 

His  place  for  making  these  daily  trials  was  at  first  a  large  stump 
some  seventy  yards  distant  on  the  far  side  of  a  hollow,  against 
which  stump  was  fixed  his  target ;  and  along  that  ravine  his  wife, 
a  pretty  young  woman,  used  to  pass  and  repass  to  get  water  from 
a  spring  at  the  lower  end.  Her  almost  miraculous  escape  in  that 
ravine  I  shall  give  in  Mr.  Allheart's  own  words,  although  his 
idiom  was  slightly  inaccurate  and  provincial. 

"You  say,  why  can't  we  shoot  across  the  holler  agin  that  ole 
walnut  stump  yander?  I  ain't  pinted  a  rifle  across  thare  for  four 
year — and  never  intend  to  no  more." 

"Why  so,  Vulcanus?  I'm  sure  'tis  a  capital  place  for  our 
mark." 


280  THIRD  YEAR 

"Well,  Mr.  Carlton,  I'll  tell  you,  and  then  you  wont  wonder. 
One  day,  about  six  months  after  we  was  furst  married,  I  had  a 
powerful  big  bore 2  to  fix  for  a  feller  going  out  West ;  and  so  I 
sit  down  just  here — (at  the  shop-door) — to  take  it  with  a  rest 
agin  a  clap-board  standing  before  that  stump,  and  where  I  always 
before  tried  our  guns.  I  sit  down,  as  I  sort  a  suspicioned  the 
hind  sight  mought  be  a  leetle  too  fur  to  the  right,  and  I  wanted  to 
shoot  furst  with  allowance,  and  then  plump  at  the  centre  without 
no  allowance — and  then  to  try  two  shots  afterwards  off-hand. 
Well,  I  got  all  fixed,  and  was  jeest  drawing  a  fine  bead,  and  had 
my  finger  actially  forrard  of  the  front  triggur — (and  she  went 
powerful  easy) — and  was  a  holdin  my  breath — when  something 
darkened  the  sight,  and  my  left  eye  ketch'd  a  glimpse  of  some- 
thing atween  me  and  the  dimind — and  I  sort  a  raised  up  my  head 
so — and  there  was  Molly's  head  (Mrs.  Allheart's) — with  the 
bucket  in  her  hand  a  goin  for  water !  She  pass'd  you  know  in  a 
instant,  almost  afore  I  could  throw  up  the  muzzle;  but,  Mr. 
Carlton,  if  I  hadn't  a  had  both  eyes  open  or  no  presence  of  mind, 
she'd  a  been  killed  to  a  dead  certainty !  I  unsot  the  triggurs  and 
went  right  in ;  and  for  more  nor  two  hours  my  hand  trembled  so 
powerful  I  couldn't  hold  a  hammer  or  use  a  file.  And  that's  the 
reason  I  never  fired  across  to  that  ole  stump  since,  and  why  I 
never  will  agin." 

But  another  reason  for  shooting  with  both  eyes  open  is,  that  a 
curious  experiment  in  optics  cannot  conveniently  be  made  with 
one  eye  closed — an  experiment  taught  me  by  Mr.  Allheart.  And 
hence  I  would  now  commend  both  our  book  and  the  experiment 
to  all  spectacle-makers  and  spectacle-wearers — to  all  ladies  and 
ladies'  gentlemen  with  quizzing  glasses — in  fact  to  all  persons  with 
two  or  more  eyes,  and  all  speculative  and  practical  opticians. 

EXPERIMENT. 

Place  over  the  muzzle  of  your  loaded  rifle  a  piece  of  paste- 
board about  four  inches  square,  and  so  as  entirely  to  prevent  the 
right  eye  while  looking  steadily  on  the  bead  in  the  hind  sight  from 
seeing  the  diamond  mark  in  the  target  placed  twenty  yards  from 
you;  then  keep  the  left  eye  fixed  immoveably  on  the  diamond, 

2  A  rifle  of  large  calibre — for  war  and  buffalo. 


THIRD  YEAR  281 

and  stand  yourself  without  motion  thus  for  a  few  seconds;  and 
then  will  the  thick  paper  over  your  muzzle  disappear,  and  you  will 
see  or  seem  to  see  the  diamond  mark  with  your  right  eye  and 
mixing  with  the  bead — touch  then  your  "forrad"  trigger  and  your 
ball  is  in  the  centre  of  the  target.  A  dead  rest  is  indispensable 
for  this  experiment.  N.B. — If  this  experiment  properly  done 
fails,  I  will  give  you  a  copy  of  this  work;  provided,  if  I  myself 
can  successfully  perform  it,  you  will  purchase  two  copies. 

When  it  is  said  Mr.  Allheart  made  rifles,  be  it  understood  as 
certain  rules  of  grammar,  in  the  widest  sense;  for  his  making 
was  not  like  a  watch-maker's  a  mere  putting  parts  and  pieces  to- 
gether, but  our  artist  made  first  all  the  separate  parts  and  pieces, 
and  then  combined  them  into  a  gun.  He  made,  and  often  with 
his  own  hand,  the  barrel — the  stock — the  lock — the  bullet  moulds, 
complete ;  the  brass,  gold,  or  silver  mountings ;  the  gravings,  the 
everything !  And  each  and  every  part  and  the  whole  was  so  well 
executed,  that  one  would  think  all  the  workmen  required  to  make 
a  pin  had  been  separately  employed  upon  the  rifle !  He  even  made 
the  steel  gouges  for  stamping  names  on  his  own  work,  and  also 
for  stamping  type-founders'  matrices;  he  made,  moreover,  tools 
for  boring  musical  instruments. 

And  this  last  reminds  me  that  Allheart  was  the  most  "musical 
blacksmith"  I  ever  knew — more  so  probably  than  our  learned 
blacksmiths.  Not  only  could  he  play  the  ordinary  and  extraordi- 
nary anvil  tunes  with  hammers  of  all  sizes,  making  "sparks"  and 
points,  too,  of  light  flash  out  much  warmer  and  far  more  brilliant 
than  ever  sprang  from  the  goat-strings  of  the  Italian  Maestro 
under  the  flaggellating  horse-hair,  but  Allheart  played  the  dulci- 
mer, a  monotone  instrument  shaped  like  an  JEolian  harp,  and  done 
with  a  plectrum  on  wire  strings ;  and  could,  beyond  all  doubt,  have 
easily  played  a  sackbut,  psaltery  and  cymbals. 

He  soon  became  enamoured  of  the  flute ;  and  on  my  proposing 
to  give  him  lessons,  he  purchased  an  instrument  and  attended 
regularly  at  my  house  one  or  more  evenings  of  every  week  for 
two  years,  till  he  became  as  great  a  proficient  as  his  master,  and 
from  that  to  the  present  time  (as  he  lately  wrote  me)  he  has  been 
the  conductor  of  the  Woodville  Band.3  Perhaps  my  friend's  musi- 

3  The  "Bloomington  Brass  Band"  founded  and  led  by  Austin  Seward 


282  THIRD  YEAR 

cal  enthusiasm  may  be  better  understood  from  the  following  little 
incident.  His  hands  and  fingers  were  nearly  as  hard  as  cast- 
iron  ;  but  this,  while  no  small  advantage  in  fingering  the  iron  strings 
of  a  dulcimer,  or  in  playing  on  the  sonorous  anvil,  was  a  serious 
disadvantage  in  flute-playing;  for  the  indurated  points  of  his 
fingers  stopped  the  holes  like  keys  with  badly  formed  metallic 
plugs,  and  permitted  the  air  to  leak  out.  On  several  occasions  I 
had  admired  secretly  the  fresh  and  polished  look  of  his  finger- 
points  when  he  came  to  take  lessons ;  till  once  he  accidentally,  and 
with  the  most  delightful  naivete,  unfolded  the  cause  in  answer  to 
the  following  indirect  query : — 

"You  are  quite  late  to-night,  Allheart? 

"Yes — ruther — but  some  customers  from  Kaintuck  stopped  me, 
and  after  that  I  had  to  stay  till  I  filed  down  my  fingers!" 

My  friend  was  besides  all  this  a  painter.  And  verily,  as  to  the 
lettering  of  signs,  the  shading,  the  bronzing,  the  peppering  and 
salting,  and  so  forth,  I  defy  any  first-rate  glazier  any  where  to 
beat  Allheart ;  for  he  yet  does  signs  for  his  neighbours,  and  more 
from  the  goodness  of  his  heart  and  the  love  of  the  arts  than  for 
gain.  To  be  sure,  formerly  he  would  mis-punctuate  a  little,  plac- 
ing commas  for  periods  and  periods  where  no  diacritical  mark 
was  needed — although  I  do  believe  he  sometimes,  like  a  wag  of  a 
printer,  only  followed  copy.  One  thing  is  certain,  he  never  im- 
properly omitted  a  capital,  though  he  may  have  put  such  in  where 
it  might  have  been  omitted ;  but  then,  this  only  rendered  the  name 
more  conspicuous,  and  the  sign  itself  altogether  more  capital. 

Lettering  was  not,  however,  his  sole  forte;  he  aspired  to  pic- 
torial devices,  such  as  vignettes;  and  at  last  he  ventured  boldly 
upon  portraits  and  even  full-length  figures.  His  own  portrait  was 
among  the  very  first  he  took,  and  that  by  means  of  a  mirror ;  but, 

was  an  institution  of  many  years  standing  in  Bloomington.  It  was  also 
called  the  "Seward  Band,"  and  later,  the  "iS'axehorn  Band."  It  furnished 
the  music  for  all  College  exhibitions  and  Commencement  occasions.  Four 
or  five  sons  of  Austin  Seward  were  members  of  this  Band.  The  Sewards 
have  long  been  among  the  prominent  and  honored  families  of  Blooming- 
ton  and  many  direct  descendants  of  Austin  Seward  are  still  living  there. 
They  have  contributed  worthily  to  the  life  and  growth  of  the  community. 
This  pioneer  progenitor  of  the  family  is  remembered  in  Bloomington  as 
a  man  of  noble  character  and  unusual  talents.  He  lived  till  1874  continu- 
ing till  his  death  as  the  head  of  a  large  business  in  which  'his  sons  were 
partners  and  co-workers.  This  "Seward  Foundry"  was  famed  throughout 
Southern  Indiana  and  the  iron  and  steel  goods  molded  and  hammered 
there  were  of  the  kind  that  Hall  describes. 


THIRD  YEAR  283 

whether  from  modesty  or  want  of  skill,  or  want  of  faithfulness  in 
the  glass,  the  likeness  was  not  very  flattering.  And  yet  one  thing 
done  by  our  New  Purchase  artist  ought  (I  speak  with  becoming 
deference)  to  be  imitated  by  many  eminent  eastern  portrait- 
painters. 

"What  is  that,  sir?" 

Well,  I  am  actuated  by  the  best  of  motives,  gentlemen,  as  it 
was  a  peculiarity  in  Mr.  Allheart's  finish,  by  which,  however  bad 
the  mere  painting,  the  likeness  intended  could  always  be  seen  at 
a  glance  if  you  knew  how  to  look. 

"What  was  it,  sir?"  we  are  impatient." 

Why,  he  always  painted  on  the  frame  of  the  picture  the  name 
of  the  person  to  whom  the  likeness  or  portrait  belonged.4 

But  the  chef-d'oeuvre  of  Allheart  was  a  full-length  figure  of  the 
American  Goddess,  Liberty,  done  for  the  sign  of  the  new  hotel — 
the  Woodville  House.  He  was  engaged  at  this  picture,  during  the 
intervals  stolen  from  his  smithery,  one  whole  summer :  and  many 
were  the  wondering  visitors,  from  far  and  near,  that  favoured  the 
artist  with  their  company  and  remarks.  For  most  matters  here 
done  in  private  were  with  us  then  done  in  public, — this  of  course 
being  conducive  to  the  perfection  of  the  fine  arts.  And  hence 
it  is  not  surprising  that  Allheart,  profiting  by  the  endless  remarks 
and  suggestions  of  our  democratical  people,  should  have  embodied 
all  the  best  sentiment  of  the  purest  republicans  in  nature,  and 
given  to  the  Purchase  the  very  beau  ideal  of  American  Liberty. 

I  shall  attempt  no  elaborate  critique,  but  shall  say  enough  to 
help  intelligent  readers  to  a  fair  conception  of  this  piece. 

The  Goddess,  like  a  courageous  and  independent  divinity,  stood, 
Juno  fashion,  right  straight  up  and  down  the  canvass,  and  with 
immovable  and  fearless  eyes  fronted  the  spectator  and  looked 
exactly  into  his  face;  thus  countenancing  persecuted  freemen,  to 
the  confusion  of  all  tyrannical  oppressors !  Her  face,  in  size  and 
feature,  was  a  model  for  wholesome  Dutch  milkmaids  to  copy  af- 
ter ;  but  the  cheeks,  instead  of  blushing,  were,  I  regret  to  say,  only 
painted  red,  like  those  of  an  actress  too  highly  rouged. 

In  the  right  hand  was  a  flag-staff,  less  indeed  than  a  liberty- 

4  In  this  request  of  ours  I  am  well  satisfied  hundreds  of  bashful  folks 
cordially  unite ;  so  that  portrait-painters,  if  they  have  benevolent  hearts, 
will  adopt  this  ingenious  expedient. 


284  THIRD  YEAR 

pole  or  Jackson-hickory,  but  considerably  larger  every  way  than  a 
broom-handle;  and  on  its  top  was  hung,  exactly  in  the  centre,  a 
cap — thus  by  its  perfect  balance  and  equi-distances  of  all  parts 
of  the  rim  from^the  staff,  showing  that  liberty  is  justice,  and  is 
independent  and  impartial.  The  cap  had,  however,  an  ominous 
resemblance  to  one  of  Jack  Ketch's  ;5  and  no  doubt  foreign  des- 
pots, ecclesiastical  and  secular,  will  pull  said  article  over  Liberty's 
eyes,  if  they  succeed  in  apprehending  and  hanging  her. 

On  the  left  shoulder  squatted  a  magnificant  eagle  in  all  the 
plenitude  of  stiff  golden  feathers,  and  in  the  act  of  being-a-going 
to  drink  from  a  good  sized  bowl  held  up  by  the  left-hand  fingers 
of  the  goddess.  What  was  the  mixture  could  not  be  seen — the 
bowl  was  so  high — but  most  probably  it  was  a  sleeping-potion,  as 
the  bird  seemed  settled  for  a  night's  roost.  Nay,  this  was  the 
sentiment  intended — to  mark  a  time  of  profound  peace,  like  shut- 
ting the  gates  of  Janus :  and  hence  the  eagle  held  in  his  claws  no 
arrowy  thunder  and  lightning,  being  evidently  disposed  to  let 
kings  alone  to  take  their  naps,  if  they  would  let  him  alone  to  take 
his.  The  idea  was  equal  in  sublimity  to  Pindar's  eagle  snoozing  on 
Jupiter's  sceptre  at  the  music  of  Orpheus ;  although  my  friend's 
bird  was  uncommonly  big  and  heavy — but  then  his  goddess  was 
hale  and  hearty. 

The  drapery  or  dress  was  a  neat  white  muslin  slip  then  fash- 
ionable in  Kentucky,  which  was  the  Paris  whence  we  derived 
fashions;  and  this  simple  attire  was  tied  gently  under  the  celes- 
tial bosom,  which  was  heaved  far  up  towards  the  chin,  as  if  the 
heart  was  swollen  with  one  endless  and  irrepressible  emotion,  and 
threatened  some  day  or  other  to  sunder  the  tie  and  burst  right 
out,  breast  and  all,  through  the  frail  barrier  of  the  frock!  Yet 
doubtless  the  slip  was  high  in  the  back,  and,  a  Id  Kaintuque,  well 
secured  between  the  shoulders,  so  that  if  things  gave  way  in  the 
front,  there  was  still  some  support  from  behind — but  then  it 
looked  dangerous.  The  frock  was,  however,  undeniably  starched 
and  rather  too  short — (owing  maybe  to  the  upward  heave  of  the 
bosom,  as  is  the  case  sometimes  with  dresses  from  ill-made  or  too 
much  tournure  and  bustle,) — for  the  article  stood  forth,  not 
from  the  canvass  but  from  the  person,  and  all  smooth  and  un- 

°A  name  applied  to  hangmen,  from  Richard  Jaquett,  to  whom  the 
manor  of  Tyburn  once  belonged. — Brewer's  Diet,  of  Phrase  and  Fable. 


THIRD  YEAR  285 

wrinkled  as  if  just  from  under  the  hot  smoothing-iron !  And,  alas ! 
its  great  brevity — (and  the  figure  up  so  high  too) — revealed  the 
sturdy  ankles  away  up  till  they  began  to  turn  into  limbs ! 

The  feet,  unlike  Liberty's  martyrs  in  the  Revolution,  and  to  in- 
dicate our  advance  in  comfort  and  security,  and  perhaps  in  com- 
pliment to  a  ladies'  shoe-maker  just  established  next  the  Woodville 
House,  were  covered  with  a  pair  of  red  morocco  slippers;  while 
on  the  ankles  and  upwards  were  drawn  nice  white  stockings — so 
that  there  was  no  denudity  of  limb,  as  a  lady-reader  may  have 
feared,  and  the  fashionable  frock  was  not  so  bad  after  all.  Some 
error,  perhaps,  in  foreshortening  had  happened  as  to  the  position 
of  the  feet,  or  rather  the  red  moroccos ;  for,  while  the  artist  de- 
signed to  represent  the  right  foot  as  stepping  from  the  other,  and 
the  left,  as  pointing  the  shoe-toe  at  the  spectator  immediately 
in  front,  yet  the  right  shoe  was  fixed  horizontally  with  its  heel  at 
a  right  angle  with  the  other,  and  that  other,  the  left  hung  perpen- 
dicularly down  as  if  broken  at  the  instep — a  marvellous  likeness 
to  the  two  slippers  on  the  shoe-maker's  own  sign,  one  there  with 
its  sole  slap  against  the  board,  and  the  other  up  and  down  as  if 
hung  upon  a  peg. 

And  oh !  how  I  do  wish  I  had  not  been  born  before  the  era  of 
composition  books ! — or  only  now  could  take  a  few  lessons  with 
the  author  of  one! — so  as  write  with  all  the  modern  improve- 
ments, like  the  talented  family  of  the  Tailmaquers  in  the  leading 
magazines  and  other  picture  books  for  grown  up  children! — JE 
should  so  like  to  describe  the  putting  up  of  our  new  tavern  post, 
and  the  first  hanging  of  the  Goddess  of  Liberty !  But  that's  not  for 
the  like  of  me — I'm  no  orator  as  Brutus.  How  can  I  paint  the 
open-mouthed  wonder  of  that  crowd!  How  make  you  see  the 
hunchings ! — the  winks ! — the  nods ! — the  pointings ! — or  hear  the 
exclamations ! — the  queries ! — the  allowings ! — the  powerf  uls ! — the 
uproar?  And  when  lawyer  Insidias  Cutswell,  candidate  for  Con- 
gress, mounted  the  "  hoss  block"  at  the  post,  and  ended  his  half- 
hour's  speech — oh!  I  never! 

EXTRACT. 

" Beautiful,  indeed,   fellow-citizens,  vibrates  above 

us  in  the  free  air  and  sunshine  of  Heaven,  that  picture!  but 
more  beautiful  even  is  our  own  dear,  blood-bought  liberty !  Long! 


286  THIRD  YEAR 

long  may  her  sign  dance  and  rejoice  there — (pointing  up) — long, 
long  may  her  image  repose  here — (slapping  the  chest  and  rather 
low) — and  long,  long,  long  live  our  enterprising  townsman  and 
fellow-citizen,  who,  untaught,  has  yet  so  ably  embodied  all  that  is 
substantial  and  solid,  and  upright  and  unflinching  and  stable  in 
abstract,  glorious,  lovely  liberty — our  townsman,  Allheart!" 
But  "Non  possumus  omnia"  must  be  our  moral  and  conclusion. 


CHAPTER   XXXVII. 

"His  tears  run  down  his  beard,  like  water  drops 
From  caves  of  reeds." 

EARLY  this  autumn,  Aunt  Kitty  having  after  considerable  un- 
fixings  got  us  fixed,  returned  to  Glenville,  whither  we  all  at  the 
same  time  paid  a  flying  visit.  At  our  arrival,  we  found  true  the 
report  that  John  was  defeated  in  his  views  on  the  clerkship  by  a 
majority  against  him  of  eleven ;  and  that  our  ex-legislator  had  now 
leisure  to  collect  the  debts  due  Glenville  &  Co.— debts  increased 
•by  two  political  campaigns  into  "a  puttee  powerful  smart  little 
heap." 

This  business  would  have  been  altogether  easy  and  pleasant, 
but  for  two  small  obstacles ;  most  of  our  debtors  who  were  very 
willing  indeed  to  pay,  had  no  visible  property ;  and  the  rest  were 
even  invisible  themselves !  For,  pleased  with  the  credit  system  in 
the  Purchase,  they  had  gone  to  try  it  elsewhere,  and  had  become 
suddenly  so  unmindful  of  "the  powerfullest  smartest  man  and 
darndest  cleverest  feller  in  the  county,"  as  to  go  away  without 
one  tender  adieu  !  The  fact  is,  our  dear  old  friends  had  absquatu- 
lated, and  gone  away  off  somewhere  to  give  other  candidates  a 
sort  of  a  lift. 

But  important  changes  almost  destructive  of  Glenville  Settle- 
ment, were  now  on  the  eve  of  accomplishment.  Mr.  Hilsbury 
had,  his  health  being  ruined,  resigned  his  bishopric  with  all  its 
emoluments,  and  was  about  returning  to  the  far  east;  and  Uncle 
Tommy  from  an  irrepressible  spirit  of  wandering,  was  just  start- 
ing to  go  and  build  a  cabin  on  Lake  Michigan.1  And  so,  we  had 
come  in  time  to  bid  farewell ! 

1  If  still  there,  somebody  out  there  can  make  a  book. 


THIRD  YEAR  287 

How  melancholy  the  houses  already,  seemed  so  soon  to  be  ten- 
antless,  and  then  so  soon  to  moulder  and  fall  into  ruins; — a 
deserted  cabin  quickly  changes,  like  a  body  left  by  the  vital  spark ; 
Ah !  how  dreary  the  forest  would  be  without  friends !  I  had  no 
spirits  to  hunt;  although  I  wandered  away  and  sat  down  on  the 
bank  of  the  creek  opposite  the  little  islet  where  the  deer  lay  down 
to  die — but  without  my  rifle — it  was  to  weep !  Reader !  if  you  have 
a  soul  you  will  not  laugh  at  me; — and  if  you  have  none,  then 
laugh  away,  poor  creature,  why  should  you  not  enjoy  yourself 
your  own  way? — but  dear  reader  with  a  soul,  I  after  that  went 
and  sat  down  in  the  old  bark-mill.  And  there  I  recalled  the  morn- 
ing we  stumbled  down  the  opposite  cliff  into  Uncle  John's  open 
arms — I  saw  the  very  spot  where  the  mother  had  clasped  the 
daughter  to  her  bosom,  and  "lifted  up  her  voice  and  wept" — and 
the  sad  spot  too  where  that  mother  now  rested  in  the  lonely  grave ! 
I  remembered  the  fresh  revival  of  early  dreams  and  visions  real- 
ized in  the  novelty  of  a  wild  forest  life! — ay!  I  recalled  the 
oddity  of  my  labours — and  even  that  poor  mute,  but  wholly  irra- 
tional companion ! — and  when  I  felt  in  my  soul  that  changes  had 
come  and  were  yet  coming,  and  that  I  never,  no,  never,  could  be 
in  these  woods  as  I  had  been — I  even  wept  there,  too,  reader ! — 
not  loud  indeed,  but  bitterly! 

****** 

In  a  few  days  we  took  a  mournful  farewell  of  the  two  families 
going  from  Glenville;  and  with  no  expectation  of  ever  meeting 
again  in  this  life.  True,  some  of  these  persons,  wanderers  like 
ourselves,  we  did  meet  for  a  brief  space  in  other  parts  of  the 
United  States  again;  but  others  we  have  never  seen  since  the 
morning  of  our  separation.  And  at  this  hour  we  know  not 
where  Uncle  Tommy  lives — or  if  dead,  where  his  grave  is!  In 
this  work,  however,  there  will  be  no  further  mention  of  these 
two  families. 

****** 

During  the  past  summer  Uncle  John  had  been  appointed  a  lay 
delegate  from  the  Welden  Diocese  to  attend  an  ecclesiastical  con- 
vention about  to  meet  early  this  fall  at  Vincennes ;  and  he  now, 
before  our  return  to  Woodville,  obtained  my  promise  to  accom- 
pany him.  Accordingly,  a  few  days  after  our  return,  he,  and 


288  THIRD  YEAR 

with  him  Bishop  Shrub,  called  on  me,  and  we  three  set  out  for 
the  Convention,  or  as  all  such  gatherings  are  there  called — the 
Big  Meeting. 

The  weather  was  luxurious,  and  the  ride  across  the  small 
prairies  was  to  me,  who  now  for  the  first  time  saw  these  natural 
meadows,  indescribably  bewitching;  indeed,  this  first  glimpse  of 
the  prairie  world  was  like  beholding  an  enchanted  country !  The 
enchanted  land  in  that  most  transcendently  enchanting  book,  the 
Pilgrim's  Progress,  came  so  naturally  to  one's  mind,  that  surely 
Bunyan  must  have  imagined  a  world  like  this  meadowy  land  of 
wild  and  fragrant  scents  wafted  by  balmy  airs  from  countless 
myriads  of  blossoms  and  flowers !  Nothing  is  like  the  mellow  light, 
as  the  sun  sinks  down  far  away  behind  the  cloudless  line  of 
blended  earth  and  sky — as  if  there  one  could,  at  a  step,  pass  from 
the  plane  of  this  lower  world  through  the  hazy  concave  into  the 
world  of  the  ransomed!  The  bosoms  of  these  grassy  lakes 
undulate  at  the  slighest  breeze,  and  are  sprinkled  with  picturesque 
islets  of  timber,  on  which  the  trees  are  fancifully  and  regularly 
disposed,  suggesting  an  arrangement  by  the  taste  of  an  unrecorded 
people  of  bygone  centuries  for  pleasure  and  religion.  The  whole 
brought  back  delusive  dreams — we  felt  the  strange  and  half- 
celestial  thrill  of  a  fairy  scene ! 

But  pass  we  to  a  more  earthly  one.  Eight  miles  from  Vincennes 
we  stopped  at  a  friend's  house  to  shave  and  preach ;  for  among 
western  folks  a  bishop  is  supposed  to  be  made  for  preaching  and 
we  use  him  accordingly — and  not  infrequently  we  use  him  entire- 
ly up.  The  preaching  was  in  due  season  easily  performed,  but 
the  shaving,  ah !  there's  the — scrape !  Bishop  Shrub  was  for- 
tunately shaved  close  enough  to  last  to  Vincennes ;  not  so  Uncle 
John  and  myself.  And  when  the  old  gentleman  examined  his 
saddlebags,  alas !  alas !  by  an  unaccountable  negligence  our  razors 
and  concomitants  had  been  left  at  Woodville!  But  this  forget- 
fulness  was  promptly  supplied,  I  may  add,  and  punished  also  by 
our  host ;  for  he  offered  his  own  razor — a  curious  cutting  tool  in  a 
wooden  handle  nearly  as  large  and  quite  as  rough  as  a  corn-cob ! 
The  bone  handle,  or  make-believe-turtle  one,  had,  in  the  course  of 
ages,  been  worn  away  by  the  handling  of  grandsires  and  grand- 
sons; and  so  had  the  edge  itself  by  the  ferocious  stubble  on  the 


DR.  DAVID  H.  MAXWKLL 
One  of  the  Founders  of  Indiana  University   1820 


THIRD  YEAR  289 

chins  of  woodsmen!  Or  perhaps  it  had  been  tritered  away  on  a 
grindstone — the  thing  so  much  resembled  a  fanner's  knife  done 
up  for  hog-killing! 

Now  Uncle  John's  countenance  ( ?)  was  tender  as  a  lamb's. 
Hence  his  razors  were  always  in  prime  order ;  and  when  he  and  I 
shaved  with  his  articles  in  company,  he  always  insisted  on  the 
— first  shave.  But  to-day,  the  excellent  old  gentleman  most  con- 
descendingly gave  me  the  precedence,  internally  resolving  to 
watch  my  performance  and  success,  and  then  to  shave  or  not 
accordingly.  Well,  duly  appreciating  this  unusual  condescension, 
and  thinking  it  a  pity  Uncle  John  should  enter  Vincennes  with 
such  a  crop  as  his  chin  now  held,  we  also  secretly  purposed — viz. 
to  go  through  the  whole  affair  without  one  audible  or  visible  sign 
of  torture!  For  certain  was  it,  that  if  Mr.  Carlton  whose  face 
was  just  as  lamb-like  as  Mr.  Seymour's,  shaved  without  wincing, 
certain  was  it,  Uncle  John,  long  before  my  complete  abrasion, 
would  be  so  in  the  suds  that,  for  consistency's  sake,  he  must  go 
through  the  whole  scrape  before  he  would  get  out  of  it. 

Hence  I  strapped  the  oyster-knife,  first  on  the  instep  of  my 
boot,  making  there,  however,  an  ominous  scratch  or  two;  then 
on  the  cover  of  a  leaven-bit  Testament  done  up  in  freckled  leather ; 
and  finally,  although  very  lightly,  on  the  palm  of  my  hand  secun- 
dum  artem:  after  which  I  made  a  feint  at  a  hair,  and  then  laid 
down  the  tormentor  with  so  complacent  compression  of  my  lips 
as  to  say,  that  notwithstanding  looks,  the  razor  after  all  was 
"jeest"  the  very  thing!  Next,  with  a  small  bundle  of  swine's 
bristles  tied  in  the  middle  with  a  waxed  thread,  I  applied,  out  of  a 
broken  blue  tea-cup,  as  much  brown  soap  lather  to  my  face  as 
would  stick;  and  then  with  a  genuine  far-east  barber's  flourish, 
touched  the  vile  old  briar-hook  to  my  cheek,  boldly  and — lightly 
as  possible. 

Reader!  I  did  not  swear  in  those  days,  but  I  could  not  avoid 
saying  mentally — "O-o-o-h !  go-o-od  !  gramine ! !" — and  thinking 
of  Job  and  the  barrel  of  ale.  Some  profane  wretches  would  have 
cursed  right  out  as  horribly  as  Pope  Pius  or  Innocent,  the  vice-god 
damning  and  blackguarding  a  Calvinistic  heretic ;  and  for  which 
malignancy  the  said  Pope  deserves  to  be  scraped  over  his  whole 
divine  carcass  twice  a-day  with  the  above  razor,  and  without  the 


290  THIRD  YEAR 

alleviation  of  the  brown  soap.  Happily  for  the  success  of  my 
benevolent  stratagem  I  kept  in;  for  at  the  moment  I  caught  a 
glimpse  of  uncle  John's  face  peeping  over  my  shoulder  into  the 
tiny  bit  of  looking-glass,  and  with  his  spectacles  on!  But  if  he 
did  detect  the  involuntary  tear  in  my  eye,  and  take  the  alarm,  he 
became  instantly  calm  again  by  seeing  the  smile  on  my  lip !  Blood 
he  discerned  not ;  the  tool  was  guiltless  of  all  cutting,  and  brought 
away  no  beard  save  what  it  pulled  out  by  the  roots.  Hence  uncle 
John  was  most  esentially  bamboozled ;  and  long  before  my  beard 
was  all  plucked  up,  he  had  laid  aside  his  coat  and  cravat,  and 
according  to  custom  and  to  soften  his  beard,  he  was  lathering 
away  with  the  hog  bristles  and  brown  soap. 

Had  the  old  gentleman  taken  a  peep  now,  he  must  have  smelled 
the  rat ;  for,  spite  of  pain  and  tears,  my  laugh  was  too  broad  for 
mere  delectability  from  a  good  shave — there  was  mischief  and,  I 
fear,  some  hypocrisy  in  the  scarcely  suppressed  chuckle.  However, 
being  done,  or  scraped,  I  put  down  the  eradicator  with  the  air  of 
one  willing  to  shave  all  day  with  such  a  razor ;  upon  which  Uncle 
John  advanced  and  took  up  the  thing,  manifesting,  indeed,  a 
little  suspicion  on  glancing  at  its  edge,  and  yet  with  very  com- 
mendable confidence  too ;  and  then  after  the  usual  strappings  and 
flourishings,  he  seized  his  nose  with  the  left  hand,  and  with  the 
right  laid  the  scraper  sideways  on  a  cheek,  and  essayed  a  rapid  and 
oblique  sweep  towards  his  ear. 

Ah!  me! — if  I  live  a  thousand  more  years,  I  shall  ever  be 
haunted  by  the  dear  old  gentleman's  look !  Such  a  compound  of 
surprise,  and  vexation,  and  pain,  and  fun,  and  humour!  Such  a 
"Carlton — you — rascal — you! — if  I  don't — never  mind!"  expres- 
sion as  met  my  view  while  I  peeped  over  his  shoulder  into  the  frag- 
ment of  glass  against  the  wall !  And  then  as  he  espied  me  therein 
grinning,  when  he  turned,  and  with  eyes  swimming  in  tears, 
uttered  in  a  whisper,  and  between  a  cry  and  a  laugh,  his  favourite 
expression  of  benevolence  and  amazement — "Oh ! — cry ! — out !" 

Yes!  yes!  if  one  could  have  cried  out,  or  even  laughed  out! 
But  there  was  our  host  and  all  his  family ;  and  the  father  kept  on 
at  very  judicious  intervals  with  praise  of  that  razor,  thus: — 
"Powerful  razor  that,  Mr.  Carlton !  Grandaddy  used  to  say  he'd 
shaved  with  it  when  he  was  young,  Mr.  Seymour!  and  his  face 


THIRD  YEAR  291 

was  near  on  about  as  saft  as  yourn  I  allow.  However  its  getting 
oldish  now,  and  don't  cut  near  as  sharpish  as  it  once  did — allow 
it  wants  grinding:  still  I  wouldn't  give  it  for  are  another  two  I 
ever  seen." 

Could  one  dare  venture  to  complain  about  such  a  razor !  against 
which  no  dog  had  even  wagged  a  tongue  or  a  tail  for  a  hundred 
years !  So  we  cried  in  and  laughed  in  then — but  when  we  got  out 
of  sight  and  hearing  in  the  prairie !  Nobody,  I  fear,  would  have 
conjectured  we  were  going  to  the  big  meeting.  Poor  dear,  old 
Uncle  John!  I  am  laughing  even  now  at  thy  beloved  face  in 
that  most  furious  lather  of  brown  soap!  and  with  that  grand 
swathe  cut  through  towards  thy  ear  by  that  venerable  briar-hook ! 
— ay!  and  at  that  concentration  of  kindness,  surprise,  and  joke- 
taking  embodied  in — "Oh!  cry  out!" 

"But,  la!  me!  Mr.  Carlton,  where's  the  moral  of  this  story?" 

My  dear  madam,  some  stories  have  no  moral ;  but  the  design  is 
to  warn  you  never  to  travel  in  new  settlements  if  your  face  is 
tender  without  your  own  shaving  apparatus. 

"For  shame! — ladies  never  shave." 

Oh!  my — the  sentence  is  carlessly  constructed;  but  none  can 
say  where  beards  may  not  grow  next.  Certainly  they  are  now 
found?  if  not  on  girls'  chins,  yet  on  very  girlish  faces.  And 
agriculture  of  all  kinds  is  now  better  understood,  and  the  most 
unpromising  soils  produce  the  most  astonishing  crops:  and  be- 
sides, we  are  evidently  in  the  Hairy  Age,  and  tobacco  is  puffed 
and  spurted  from  hairy  lips  like  black  mud  from  a  quagmire 

"Sir!  this  is  offensive!" 

Very;  therefore  let  us  quit  it. 


CHAPTER  XXXVIII. 

"When  holy  and   devout   religious   men 
Are  at  their  beads,  'tis  hard  to  draw  them  hence." 

"Love   and   meekness,   lord, 
Become  a  churchman  better  than  ambition." 

ON  reaching  Vincennes  our  party,  as  others,  were  quartered 
upon  the  citizens;  and  such  kindness  as  belongs  pre-eminently  to 
the  West  and  South  was  bestowed  upon  us  during  the  week  of  the 
convention. 

Vincennes  has  been  the  scene  of  many  meetings,  civil,  political, 
ecclesiastical,  and  military;  to  say  nothing  about  Frenchified- 
Indian-councils  and  Indianised-French-dances,  and  other  odd 
things  produced  by  this  amalgamation  of  the  red  and  white  sav- 
ages. But  now  it  was  the  theatre  of  two  remarkable  exhibitions, 
— the  gathering  of  a  Protestant  council,  and  the  erection  of  a 
Papistical  cathedral! — strange  meeting  of  light  and  darkness. 
And  both  professed  to  be  for  the  propagation  of  the  religion  of 
Jesus  Christ. 

Now,  whether  the  simple  shining  of  truth  in  the  reading  and 
preaching  of  a  vernacular  Bible,  and  in  the  good  lives  and  ex- 
amples of  puritanic  Christians,  and  without  aid  from  the  civil 
arm,  and  without  a  base  indulgence  of  men's  evil  passions  and  pro- 
pensities, shall  be  more  potent  than  a  tradition,  dark,  bewildering, 
and  uncertain,  delivered  by  doctors  and  professors  of  the  fagot 
and  the  thumb-screw,  admits  a  question;  but,  judging  from  the 
success  that  has  always  attended  the  affectionate  embraces  of  the 
old  woman  with  the  scarlet  mantle  and  especially  when  seated 
amid  "the  wimples  and  crisping-pins,"  the  roasters,  and 
boilers,  and  toasters  of  the  Inquisition, — from  the  efficacy  of 
sweet  doses  and  sugared  cups  and  intoxicating  bowls  of  indulgen- 
ces granted  to  the  saints  and  holy  ones,  it  is  more  than  likely 
that  the  great  crowd  of  such  as  "love  darkness"  and  "the  wages 
of  unrighteousness,"  and  "prefer  the  pleasures  of  sin  for  a  sea- 
son," will — (and  are  not  such  the  ol  TroXXot)  will  become  militant, 
and  on  earth  triumphant  members  of  the  Holy  (  ?)  Catholic  (  ??) 
Church  (???) 

292 


THIRD  YEAR  293 

In  vain,  while  looking  at  the  sacred  walls  of  the  cathedral  ris- 
ing brick  by  brick,  did  I  severely  chide  my  antagonist  feelings  as 
heretical  pravity;  in  vain  recall  the  oft-repeated  remark,  that  we 
were  in  the  nineteenth  century,  the  age  of  courtesy,  and  charity, 
and  light,  and  wisdom,  and  oh !  of  ever  so  many  first  chop  good 
things  beside;  in  vain  remember  that  human  nature  had  been 
gradually  refining  ever  since  the  days  of  Judas  Iscariot,  till  it 
was  now  ten  per  cent,  per  annum  better  and  more  spiritual  and 
heavenly-minded ;  yea,  poor  sinner  that  I  was,  in  vain  I  said  this 
is  the  march  of  mind,  and  that  I  was,  poor  sneaking  doubter,  in 
danger  of  falling  into  the  rear  of  my  age !  Nothing  would  do — 
but  my  historic  readings  kept  intruding  in  the  most  impertinent 
and  unbecoming  manner ;  and  I  was  abominably  harassed  with  the 
fables  of  the  Vaudois — and  Huguenots — and  Jerome — and  Huss 
— St.  Bartholomew's,  and  Irish,  and  other  massacres,  and  all  such 
ridiculous  things!  Nay,  I  was  plunged  most  unreasonably  into 
nasty  dungeons,  and  saw  racks,  and  halters,  and  augers, — and, 
silly  creature,  I  imagined  an  auto  da  fe!  and  heard  shouts  and 
groans!  and  smelled  incense,  faggots  and  gunpowder!  and  even 
Te  Deums  for  the  death  of  ungodly  heretics  wickedly  killed  by 
the  state,  contrary  to  the  entreaties  of  the  Holy  Church !  Alas ! 
reprobate  that  I  was,  for  reading  books  proscribed  by  that  Church ! 
— and  all  those  books  got  up  by  folks  worthy  of  no  credit — ene- 
mies of  the  Church  and  of  the  Pope, — and  who  would  wickedly 
tell  when  they  were  tortued,  and  refused  to  be  damned  for  ever 
by  escaping  from  prison,  gibbets  and  stakes! 

And  then  I  said,  Oh !  you  unreasonable  man,  has  not  the  Holy 
Catholic  Church  long  since  given  up  her  bloody  persecuting  prin- 
ciples, and  resolved  never  to  do  so  again,  if  we  will  only  take  on 
her  yoke — until  she  gets  the  power?  Alas!  I  thought  of  political 
mottos  used  as  ornaments1  to  secular  newspapers,  such  as 
"Power  steals  from  the  many  to  the  few;"  and  of  that  narrow, 
bigotted  puritanical  sentiment,  "The  heart  is  deceitful  above 
all  things  and  desperately  wicked ;"  and  so  I  turned  to  contemplate. 

1  Ornaments — since  most  such  papers  watch  only  their  Protestant 
friends  who  do  not  need  it. 


294  THIRD  YEAR 

THE    PROTESTANT    CONVOCATION. 

And  I  could  not  but  feel  grateful  to  the  rightful  Head  of  the 
spiritual  Church,  that  here  was  a  little  band  hated  of  Rome 
and  Oxford.2  For  with  the  men  of  this  conference  the  true  light 
had  travelled  thus  far  westward,  and  we  hoped  it  might  shine  out 
far  and  wide  over  the  noble  plains,  and  dispel  the  gloom  of  the 
grand  forests — since  the  march  of  the  mind  is  only  an  evil  without 
the  march  of  the  Bible. 

This  Protestant  assembly  was  a  gathering  of  delegates  princi- 
pally from  the  land  of  Hoosiers  and  Suckers;  but  with  a  smart 
sprinkling  of  Corn-crackers,  and  a  small  chance  of  Pukes  8  from 
beyond  the  father  of  floods,  and  even  one  or  two  from  the  Buck- 
eye country.  These  were  not  all  eminent  for  learning,  and  polish, 
and  dress,  wearing  neither  gowns  nor  cocked-hats;  although 
some  there  were  worthy  seats  in  the  most  august  assemblies  any 
where,  and  however  distinguished  for  wit,  learning,  and  good- 
ness. Most  of  them,  indeed,  carried  to  excess  a  somewhat  false 
and  dangerous  maxim:  "better  wear  out  than  rust  out." — since 
it  is  better  to  do  neither.  And  worn  truly  were  they,  both  in 
apparel  and  body,  as  they  entered  the  town  on  jaded  horses, 
after  many  days  of  hard  and  dangerous  travelling  away  from 
their  cabin-homes,  left  far  behind  in  dim  woods  beyond  rivers, 
hills  and  prairies. 

And  what  came  they  together  for  ?  Mainly,  I  believe,  to  preach, 
to  pray,  to  tell  about  their  successes  and  disappointments  and  en- 
couragements— their  hopes,  and  fears,  and  sorrow — to  rectify  past 
errors,  and  form  better  plans  for  doing  good  for  the  future — to 
see,  and  encourage,  and  strengthen  one  another.  Business,  in  the 
semi-politico-ecclesiastical  sense,  they  did  little — for  of  that  was 
but  little  to  do.  And  there  were  few  causes  of  heart-burning  and 
jealousy.  No  richly  endowed  professorships,  no  a  la  mode  con- 
gregations were  found  in  all  their  vast  extent  of  dioceses — no 
world's  treasures  or  places  to  tempt  to  divide,  to  sour! 

Truly  it  was  a  House  of  Bishops,  if  not  of  Lords:  if  by  a 
bishop  is  meant  one  that  has  the  care  of  many  congregations,  an 

2  The  Oxford  movement,   1831-33,  was  taking  eminent  divines  of  the 
English  Church  toward  Rome  shortly  before  Hall  wrote,  Cardinals  Man- 
ning and  Newman  among  them. 

3  "Corn  crackers"  were  Kentuckians,  "Pukes"  were  Missourians. 


THIRD  YEAR  295 

enormous  parish,  abundant  religious  labours,  and  a  salary  of  one 
or  two  hundred  dollars  above  nothing.  In  the  midst  of  so  fra- 
ternal and  cheerful  a  band  of  misters  and  brothers,  I  was  con- 
stantly reminded  of  an  old  saying ;  "Behold !  how  these  Christians 
love  one  another !"  What  could  exceed  their  cordial  and  reciprocal 
greetings  at  each  arrival!  What  their  courtesy  in  debate?  What 
the  deep  interest  in  each  other's  welfare? — the  lively  emotions 
excited  by  their  religious  narratives  and  anecdotes?  And  then 
their  tender  farewells!  To  many  the  separation  was  final  as  to 
this  life — but  why  should  that  make  us  sad?  They  who  find 
heaven  begun  on  earth,  meet  beyond  the  grave,  and  there  find 
heaven  consummated! 

Brother  Shrub  and  myself  were  entertained,  during  the  con- 
vention week,  at  the  house  of  a  medical  gentleman,  eminent  in 
his  profession,  but  addicted,  it  was  said,  to  profanity  in  ordi- 
nary conversation.  Without  premonition,  no  suspicion  of  so 
blameworthy  a  practice  could  have  arisen  in  our  minds;  for  no 
real  Christian  ever  showed  guests  greater  courtesy,  or  seemed  so 
far  from  profaneness  than  our  gentlemanly  host.  He  did  not 
even  annoy  us  with  lady-like  mincings,  putting  forth  the  buddings 
of  profanity  in  "la !  me ! — good  gracious !"  and  the  like. 

But  on  Sabbath  night,  our  conversation  taking  a  religious  turn, 
the  subject  of  profane  swearing  was  incidentally  named,  when  I 
could  not  resist  the  temptation  of  drawing  a  bow  at  a  venture ;  and 
so  I  said : 

"Doctor,  we  leave  you  to-morrow;  and  be  assured  we  are  very 
grateful  to  Mrs.  D.  and  yourself;  but  may  I  say  dear  sir,  we 
have  been  disappointed  here?" 

"Disappointed !" 

"Yes,  sir,  but  most  agreeably " 

"In  what,  Mr.  Carlton?" 

"Will  you  pardon  me,  if  I  say  we  were  misinformed,  and 
may  I  name  it?" 

"Certainly,  sir,  say  what  you  wish." 

"Well,  my  dear  sir,  we  were  told  that  Doctor  D.  was  not 
guarded  in  his  language — but  surely  you  are  misrepresented " 

"Sir,"  interrupted  he,  "I  do  honour  you  for  candour ;  yet,  sir,  I 
regret  to  say  you  have  not  been  misinformed.  I  do,  and, 


296  THIRD  YEAR 

perhaps,  habitually  use  profane  language;  but,  sir,  can 
you  think  I  would  swear  before  religious  people,  and  one  of  them 
a  clergyman?" 

Tears  stood  in  my  eyes  (the  frank-heartedness  of  a  gentleman 
always  starts  them)  as  I  took  his  hand,  and  replied: 

"My  dear  sir,  you  amaze  us!  Can  it  be  that  Doctor  D.,  so 
courteous  and  so  intelligent  a  man,  has  greater  reverence  for  us 
than  for  the  venerable  God!" 

"Gentlemen,"  replied  the  Doctor,  and  with  a  tremulous  voice, 
"I  never  did  before  see  the  utter  folly  of  profane  swearing.  I 
will  abandon  it  for  ever." 

Reader,  are  you  profane  ?  Imitate  the  manly  recantation  of  my 
estimable  friend,  Doctor  D. 

"To    SWEAR — is    neither    brave,   polite,    nor   wise; 
You  would  not  swear  upon  the  bed  of  death — 
Reflect — your  Maker  now  could  stop  your  breath !" 

During  the  week,  in  company  with  some  clergymen,  we  visited 
•the  grave  of  a  young  man,  who,  unavoidably  exposed  to  a  fatal 
illness  in  discharging  his  missionary  duties,  had  died  at  Vincennes 
in  early  manhood,  and  far  away  from  his  widow-mother's  home. 
Deep  solemnity  was  in  the  little  company  of  his  classmates  as  they 
stood  gazing  where  rested  the  remains  of  the  youthful  hero! 
Dear  young  man,  his  warfare  was  soon  ended — and  there  he  lay 
among  the  silent  ones  in  the  scented  meadow-land  of  the  far 
west!  He  heard  not  the  voice  of  the  wind,  whether  it  breathed 
rich  with  the  fragrance  of  wild  sweets,  or  roared  around  in  the 
awful  tones  of  the  hurricane,  sweeping  over  the  vastness  of  the 
measureless  plains!  Nor  heard  he  the  sighs  of  his  comrades — 
nor  saw  their  sudden  tears  wiped  away  with  the  stealthy  motion 
of  a  rapid  hand ! 

To  him  that  visit  was  vain;  not  so  to  us,  for  we  departed,  re- 
solved ourselves  to  be  ready  for  an  early  death.  And  since  then 
several  of  that  little  company  of  mourners  in  a  strange  land  have 
themselves,  and  before  the  meridian  of  life,  gone  down  to  the 
sides  of  the  pit! 

Are  you  ready,  my  reader? 

Time  is  a  price  to  buy  eternity ! 


CHAPTER   XXXIX. 

"Tree!  why  hast  thou  doffed  thy  mantle  of  green 
For  the  gorgeous  garb  of  an  Tndian  queen? 
With  the  ambered  brown  and  the  crimson  stain 
And  the  yellow  fringe  on  its  'broidered  train? 
And   the   autumn   gale   through   it«    branches    sighed 
Of   a   long   arrear,    for   the   transient   pride." — SIGOURNEY. 

UNCLE  John  and  I,  being  now  very  near  Illinois,  where  resided 
a  distant  relative  of  ours,  determined  to  pay  him  a  visit.  This 
person  was  much  like  Uncle  Tommy  in  his  leather-stocking  pro- 
pensities, but  in  no  other  respects;  except  that  he  was,  at  first,  a 
squatter,  and  had  escaped  on  some  occasions,  being  scalped  by  the 
Indians.  Once,  too,  he  escaped  an  ambuscade  as  he  descended  the 
Ohio  river  with  several  other  young  men  in  a  boat.  Incautiously 
approaching  too  near  the  bank,  our  relative  was  saved  from  death 
by  being  in  the  act  of  bending  to  his  oar  at  the  flash  of  the  Indian 
rifles;  for  their  balls,  barely  passing  over  his  back,  struck  the 
breast  of  a  comrade,  who  fell  dead  at  his  side.  But,  before  the 
enemy  could  reload,  the  boat  was  rowed  beyond  their  reach.  And 
so  our  friend  lived,  and  ever  since  had  kept  on  growing  till  he 
now  had  become  a  venerable  and  patriarchal  Sucker,  counting 
some  sixty-five  concentric  circles  in  his  earthly  vegetation. 

Our  way  led  through  successive  and  beautiful  little  prairies, 
separated  by  rich  bottom  lands  of  heavy  timber  and  other  inter- 
posing woody  districts — the  trees  being  all  magnificently  glorious 
in  the  autumnal  colours  of  their  dense  foliage.  No  artificial  dyes 
rival  the  scarlet,  the  crimson,  the  orange,  the  brown,  of  the  sylvan 
dresses — giant  robes  and  scarfs,  hung  with  indescribable  grandeur 
and  grace,  over  the  rough  arms  and  rude  trunks  of  the  forest ! 

And  voices  enough  of  bird,  and  beast,  and  insect,  and  reptile,  to 
break  the  solitude  of  the  treeless  plains ;  but,  on  entering  a  district 
of  wood,  the  uproar  of  tones,  voices,  shrieks,  hisses,  barkings,  and 
a  hundred  other  nameless  cries,  was  deafening!  It  was  bewilder- 
ing! How  like  the  enchanted  hills  and  groves  of  the  Arabian 
Tales!  Indeed,  had  a  penalty  awaited  our  looking  around,  we 
should  have  become  stone,  or  stump,  or  paroquet,  or  squirrel,  a 
thousand  times  over  and  over,  much  to  our  surprise  and  mortifi- 

297 


298  THIRD  YEAR 

cation!  The  bewildering  tumult  assailing  him,  on  entering  the 
solemn  dark  of  primitive  oriental  forests,  must  have  suggested 
to  the  Magician  of  the  Thousand  and  One  Nights,  some  of  the 
charms  and  witcheries  and  incantations  that  entranced  our  first 
years  of  boyhood  and  dreams !  To  the  elfish  notes  of  four-footed 
and  creeping  goblins  and  winged  and  gay  sprites,  were  added  the 
rustle  of  fresh  fallen  leaves,  the  crackling  of  brush-wood,  the 
rattling  of  branch  and  bush,  the  strange  creaking  of  great  trees, 
rubbing  in  amity  their  arms  and  boughs,  and  the  wailing  and 
moaning  of  fitful  winds;  and  this  formed  our  sinless  Babel. 

Under  the  most  favourable  arrangement  of  lungs,  and  larynx 
and  ears,  conversation  is  a  labour  in  such  groves  and  meadows; 
but,  ah !  my  dear  friend,  if  one's  comrade  is  deaf !  or  still  worse 
if  he  is  a  modest  man  of  the  muttery  and  whispery  genus !  and 
hearing  uncommonly  sharp  himself,  takes  for  granted  you  hear 
ditto !  True,  if  you  like  to  do  talking,  and  the  other  hearing,  that 
is  the  very  thing ;  but  alas !  our  escort  in  this  episodial  trip,  who 
was  a  Mr.  Mealymouth,  was  even  more  desirous  of  talking  than 
hearing!  And  what  made  it  more  awful,  it  was  not  possible  to 
answer  him  in  the  "Amen-at-a-venture"  mode;  for  most  of  Mr. 
Mealymouth's  queries,  which  were  numerous  as  a  pedlar's  from 
the  land  of  guesses,  admitted  not  the  mere  answer  yes  or  no,  but 
demanded  explanatory  replies  like  those  of  Professor  Didactic. 
He  asked  to  find  out  what  you  knew,  and  not  to  be  answered. 

Uncle  John  quickly  contrived  to  shuffle  out  of  this  scrape,  and 
with  a  most  unchristian  design  to  take  revenge  for  the  razor 
affair;  but  then  he  ought  not  to  have  paid  back  with  so  terrible 
an  interest.  Nay,  he  lagged  just  in  our  rear,  every  now  and  then 
switching  my  creature,  till  the  huzzy — (a  lady  horse) — feared  to 
quit  the  side  of  the  escort's  horse — (a  horse-horse) — and  so  kept 
on  even  a  head  with  him,  pace  for  pace,  trot  for  trot,  shuffle  for 
shuffle;  her  eyes  strained  backward,  her  ears  pointed  and  tremu- 
lous, and  her  heels  in  the  paulo-ante-future  tense  of  being-nearly- 
about-a-going-to-kick ; — while  I,  completely  snared  and  in-for-it, 
could  be  seen,  all  eye  and  ear,  with  my  neck  away  out  forward  to 
catch  the  sense  of  Mr.  Mealymouth  muttering  and  whispering 
some  half  articulate  question  direct  or  indirect,  thus : 

"Well— Carlt— powerful— don't— allow?" 


THIRD  YEAR  299 

"Si-i-i-r?"  at  the  top  of  my  voice  to  provoke  him  to  a  higher 
pitch. 

"Most  powerful  good  meet — reckon — dont — ?" 
"Oh!  yes,  rather  lean,  however, — it  wasn't  stall  fed — think  it 
was?" — (  thought  he  alluded  to  the  beefsteak  at  breakfast.) 
"Meetin — meetin — convoc — hard  heerin — allow  ?" 
"The  leaves  rattle  so — oh  1  yes,  noble  set  of  good  men." 
"Mr.  Carlton — allow — Mr.  Seymour — ain't  he?" 
"Yes! — no!"    And  turning  round  I  bellowed  out; — "Hullow! 
Uncle  John,  ride  up,  Mr.  Mealymouth  wants  you !" 

"Road  too  narrow — 'f raid  of  things  getting  rubbed  in  my  saddle- 
bags,"— replied  Uncle  J. 

Here  I  politely  made  a  movement  to  fall  in  the  rear  and  give 
up  my  privilege;  but  my  skittish  jade,  catching  sight  of  Uncle 
John's  upraised  switch,  snorted,  and  cocking  back  her  ears  trotted 
me  up  again  to  the  place  of  punishment — while  from  Uncle 
John's  face,  it  was  plain  enough  he  was  indulging  in  a  malicious 
inward  laugh.  Nay,  although  I  hate  to  tell  it,  he  actually  put 
up  his  finger  against  his  cheek  and  made  signs  of  shaving! — a 
pretty  way  for  a  pious  man  of  returning  good  for  evil ! 

I  shall  not  detail  all  my  misapprehensions  nor  contrivances  to 
avoid  answering  at  hazard,  as  for  instance,  suddenly  crying  out, 
when  expected  to  reply  to  a  query — "See!  see!  that  deer!" — or — 
"Hurraw!  for  the  turkeys  there!" — or — "Smell  cowcumbers — 
guess  a  rattlesnake's  near  ?"  Nor  shall  I  relate  how,  at  last,  I  did 
get  behind  Uncle  John ;  and  how  Mr.  M.  fell  back  and  rode  with 
him;  lever  and  anon  admonishing  Mr.  Seymour  to  take  care  of 
his  saddle-bags ; — nor  how  Uncle  John  was  attacked  with  a  very 
uncommon  and  alarming  stiffness,  rendering  it  necessary  for  him 
to  dismount  and  walk  a  whole  mile ;  and  how  he  over  took  us  at 
the  ford  of  the  Wabash,  Mr.  M.  fortunately  volunteering  to  lead 
his  horse ;  but  I  hasten  to  say  that  about  evening  we  reached  the 
house  of  a  friend  who  had  invited  us  to  call  on  him,  and  that 
here,  to  crown  the  pleasures  of  the  day,  we  found  our  host  Mr. 
Softspeech  was  even  more  inarticulate  in  speech  than  Mr.  Mealy- 
mouth  himself. 

Uncle  John  now  proposed  to  bury  the  hatchet,  and  form  a  league 
of  offence  and  defence;  hence,  after  due  deliberation  while  out 
washing  and  wiping,  it  was  concluded  that  we  both  sit  together, 


300  THIRD  YEAR 

and  always  in  front  of  the  fire;  thus  keeping  our  innocent  tor- 
mentors each  at  opposite  sides  of  the  chimney  place.  For  first, 
this  would  do  them  a  service  by  compelling  them  to  talk  out,  it 
seeming  impossible  if  they  designed  speaking  to  one  another  at 
all,  to  do  it  long  in  a  mutter;  and  secondly,  if  we  were  assailed  by 
either  enemy  right  or  left,  we  should  have  four  ears  to  defend 
and  aid  us,  instead  of  two,  and  so  we  could  together  compound 
a  pretty  fair  answer: — this  judicious  arrangement  made  us  nearly 
equal  to  a  Siamese  twins. 

And  yet,  one  important  matter  was  found  to  have  been  over- 
looked— the  effect  on  our  risibility.  For  when  the  two  cousins  of 
Simongosoftly  began  a  gentle  stir  of  murmuring  lips,  and  both 
found,  in  despite  of  keen  ears,  that  articulate  language  must  be 
used;  and  when  evident  vexation  from  their  reciprocal  mutters 
and  mistakes  arose,  and  they  looked  at  one  another  in  a  style 

like  saying,  "Blast  you,  why  don't  you  speak  louder?" Oh! 

dear  reader,  would  you  have  believed  it.  Uncle  John  all  at 
once  laughed  right  out ! — and  then  you  know  I  couldn't  help  it — 
could  I? 

But  then,  the  old  gentleman  turned  it  so  adroitly,  thus : 

"Mr.  Carlton," — said  he — "whenever  I  think  of  that  trick  you 
served  me  about  the  razor  I  can't  help  laughing." 

And  of  course  that  affair  was  narrated ;  and  we  had  the  satis- 
faction of  finding  our  two  friends  could  laugh  like  Christians,  if 
they  could  not  talk  like  them.  And  truly  man  is  pretty  much  of  a 
laughing  animal — and  certainly  none  deserves  to  be  more  laughed 
at;  although  for  this  vile  sin  of  muttering,  and  grumbling,  and 
whispering  out  words  with  a  fixed  jaw,  and  eyes  half-shut  up  like 
a  dreamy  cat  in  the  sunshine,  words,  that  should  be  articulated  in 
the  sweet  vocality  of  human  speech,  the  whole  abominable  tribe 
of  Mealymouths  deserves  not  only  to  be  laughed  and  hooted  at,  but 
actually  well  scourged. 

Well,  we  paid  our  visit  to  our  Sucker  relative;  and  then,  after 
the  two  worthy  old  gentlemen  had  exhausted  their  reminiscences, 
and  edified  one  another  with  adventures  in  hunting,  and  fishing, 
and  camping  out,  and  voyaging,  and  so  on,  we  bade  farewells ; 
and  Uncle  John  and  myself,  but  without  an  escort,  took  the 
homeward  trail.  The  accidents  in  the  path  belong  to  the  next 
chapter. 


CHAPTER    XL. 

"Being  skilled  in  these  parts,  which   to  a   stranger 
Unguided    and   unfriended,    often    prove 
Rough    and    inhospitable." 

ON  the  return,  our  first  night  was  passed  with  the  host  of  the 
antediluvian  razor.  But  going  into  the  woods  we  needed  now  no 
shaving ;  although  we  shortly  became  entangled  in  another  scrape, 
to  be  estimated  in  comparison  and  contrast,  according  to  the  ten- 
derness of  one's  face,  and  his  leggins  and  trousers. 

Let  me  not  forget  that,  before  reaching  Razorville,  we  had 
passed  through  a  primitive  world,  an  antique  French  settlement; 
and  in  it  could  be  discerned  no  trace  of  modern  arts  and  inven- 
tions; but  agriculture,  architecture  and  other  matters  were  so 
ancient  that  we  seemed  to  have  come  among  aboriginal  Egyptians 
or  Greeks.  The  carts  or  wagons  were  like  the  wain  of  Ceres, 
and  moved  on  spokeless  wheels  of  solid  wood,  without  naves,  and, 
if  circumference  applied  to  wheels  must  be  a  circle,  without  cir- 
cumference. 

The  horse — if  such  may  be  called  a  dwarf,  shaggy  pony,  so 
dirty  and  earthy  as  to  seem  raised  in  a  crop,  like  turnips  or  pota- 
toes— this  villanous  and  cunning  horse  was  tied  to  the  Cerealian 
vehicle  by  thongs  of  elm  bark,  fastened  to  a  collar  of  corn  blades 
around  his  neck;  and  he  had  a  head-gear  of  elm  bark  ropes  for 
halter  or  bridle — but  sometimes  he  had  no  head-gear  whatever. 
He  was  driven  usually  by  flagellation  from  a  stick-whip,  in  size 
between  a  switch  and  a  pole,  yet  often  with  a  corn-stalk  fourteen 
feet  long  without  its  tassel,  and,  not  infrequently,  by  a  clod  or 
rock  l  thrown  against  his  head  or  side. 

At  the  first  hint  from  the  persuasives,  shaggy  coat  would  merely 
shake  his  head  and  look  up,  and  then,  with  an  impudent  flourish 
of  a  tail  compounded  of  burrs  and  horsehair,  he  would  pull  away 
— not,  indeed,  at  his  load — but  at  the  corn-blades  and  ears  dang- 
ling in  plenty  about  his  unmuzzled  mouth.  On  a  repetition  of  the 
hint,  especially  if  accompanied  by  a  Canadianised-French  exe- 
cration— (and  its  potency  may  be  thus  judged) — pony  would 

1  All  minute  pieces  of  granite,  &c.,  are  called  rocks  out  there — but  even 
little  things  there  are  big. 

301 


302  THIRD  YEAR 

whisk  with  his  cart  same  half-dozen  decided  jerks,  attended  by 
the  rattling  of  his  corn-collar,  the  straining  of  bark  traces,  and 
the  screeching  of  dry  wheel  and  axis ;  minus  also  a  mess  of  corn 
bounced  from  the  wain  at  every  jerk.  And  thus  matters  pro- 
ceeded, with  iterations  of  thumps,  pelts,  curses,  and  outcries  on 
one  side,  and  jerks  ahead  on  the  other,  till  the  horse  and  wagon 
was  clear  of  the  corn-field — and  then  look  out !  Pony  had  now 
no  more  to  expect  in  the  way  of  mouth fuls  till  he  reached  the 
stack-yard,  and  so,  go  ahead  was  his  motto — and,  with  him,  no 
idle  sentiment!  True,  the  machine  wabbled  and  bounced — that 
was  owing  to  the  inartificiality  of  the  workmanship,  and  the  as- 
perities of  the  ground;  the  load  jumped  over  the  sides  or  rattled 
from  the  tail — that  was  because  the  sides  were  too  low,  and  there 
was  no  tail-board;  perhaps,  even  the  collar  broke,  and  little 
shaggy  was  released — the  collar  should  have  been  leather:  his 
duty  was  plain — to  get  to  the  stack-yard  as  speedily  as  possible, 
with  or  without  a  cart,  or  with  it  full  or  empty. 

How  my  nameless  quadrupedal  old  friend  would  have  relished 
and  adorned  this  arcadian  life!  What  a  theatre  for  his  abilities 
and  accomplishments !  It  may  be  something  to  live  in  clover ;  but 
what  is  life  in  a  clover-patch  of  a  dozen  rods,  to  life  in  a  prairie 
corn-field  of  a  thousand  acres  ? 

But  this  is  digression,  of  which,  indeed,  other  examples  occurred 
on  our  way  home. 

A  friend  of  ours,  a  citizen  of  Woodville,  returning  now  from 
Vincennes,  and  who  travelled  in  a  small  one-horse-wagon,  had 
told  us  of  a  short  cut  across  the  prairie ;  and  had  stated  also  that, 
while  the  path  was  an  almost  imperceptible  trace,  being  used  only 
by  a  few  horsemen,  still  we  should  easily  follow  the  marks  of 
his  wheels — and  thus  a  whole  hour  could  be  gained.  Passing  us, 
therefore,  on  the  evening  we  had  reached  Razorville,  he  went  by 
the  short  cut  to  "ole  man  Stafford's,"  a  distance  of  seven  miles, 
intending  there  to  stay  all  night  and  await  our  arrival  to  a  very 
early  breakfast  next  morning, — the  remainder  of  the  journey  to 
be  made  in  company. 

Well,  an  hour  before  day-break  on  Tuesday  morning  we  put 
out,  and  in  half  an  hour  came  to  the  "blind  path,"  into  which 
we  struck  bold  enough,  considering  we  had  to  dismount  to  find  it, 
and  that  from  the  dimness  of  the  early  morn,  no  wagon  ruts  could 


THIRD  YEAR  303 

yet  be  discerned.  But  as  the  light  increased,  we  could  see  here 
and  there  in  the  grass  traces  of  a  light  wagon ;  and  that  embold- 
ened us  to  trot  on  very  fast,  in  the  comfortable  assurance  of  rap- 
idly approaching  a  snug  breakfast  of  chicken  fixins,  eggs,  ham- 
doins,  and  corn  slap-jacks.  By  degrees  the  prairie  turned  into 
timber  land;  but  that  had  been  expected,  although  the  woods 
were  rather  more  like  thickets  and  swamps  than  ought  to  be 
encountered  on  entering  the  Stafford  country.  Still,  every  two 
or  three  rods  was  some  mark  of  our  friend's  wagon ;  and  as  short 
cuts  often  pass  through  out-of-the-way  districts,  and  we  travelled 
now  not  by  stars,  or  sun,  or  compass,  but  by  wheel-ruts,  we 
deemed  it  best  to  stick  to  our  guide  and  Uncle  John's  old  saw — 
"  'tis  a  long  lane  that  has  no  turn." 

At  last  we  came  to  the  edge  of  a  dense  and  dark  thicket ;  and 
here,  at  right  angles  with  the  ruts  (for  long  since  the  six-inch 
horse-path  had  run  out,  or  sunk,  or  evaporated,  or  something), 
ran  a  deep  and  wide  gulley  blocked  with  fallen  trees  and  brush- 
wood ;  over  which  of  course  the  wagon  had  got  somehow,  and,  as 
was  natural,  without  leaving  any  visible  trace.  This  deficiency 
was,  however,  not  important,  because,  you  know,  we  should  find 
the  wagon  tracks  on  the  far  side  of  the  ravine;  and  so  over  we 
went  working,  where  the  impediments  seemed  fewest,  in  zig-zag 
method,  for  about  two  hundred  yards,  when  all  at  once  we  rose, 
large  as  life,  up  the  opposite  bank,  and  instantly  began  talking : — 

"See  any  ruts  ?" 

"No,— do  you?" 

"No— let's  ride  to  the  left." 

"Through  that  papaw  and  spice ! — no,  no,  try  the  right." 

"The  right! — look  at  the  grape  and  green  briar — better  keep 
straight  ahead." 

"Straight  ahead,  indeed ! — that's  worse  than  the  other  courses." 

"Why,  how  in  the  name  of  common  sense  did  Mr.  Thorn  ever 
get  his  wagon  through  here ! — come,  you  go  right  and  I'll  go  left, 
and  let's  see  if  we  can't  find  the  wheelruts." 

And  then  we  separated ;  but  after  hard  "scrouging"  each  way 
some  hundred  yards,  and  halloing  questions,  answers,  doubts, 
guesses,  &c.,  &c.,  in  a  very  unmealymouthed  manner,  till  we  be- 
v.ame  hoarse,  and  withal  finding  no  ruts,  nor  even  hoof-marks, 


304  THIRD  YEAR 

we  came  together  and  held  a  council.    The  result  of  the  delibera- 
tion was: 

1.  That  we  were  probably — (Uncle  J.  being  a  woodsman  would 
allow  only  a  probability) — were  probably  lost: 

2.  That  maybe  we  might  have  followed  a  wrong  wagon,  and 
maybe  we  might  not: 

3.  That  maybe  we  had  better  go  back,  and  maybe  we  had  not : 

4.  That  as  it  was  likely  we  had  been  spirited  into  the  Great 
Thicket  of  the  White  River,  it  would  be  best  to  work  ahead,  and 
strike  the  river  itself  now,  up  or  down  which  (I  forget  which 
Uncle  J.  said)  was  a  settlement  maybe. 

This  last  proposition  having  a  decided  majority  of  two  voices, 
we  began  to  work  our  passage  into  the  river,  Mr.  Seymour  as 
general  in  the  van,  Mr.  C.  as  rear-guard. 

Now  how  shall  our  swamp  be  described?  What  language  can 
here  be  an  echo  to  the  sense  ?  Any  attempt  of  the  sort  would  be 
so  complicated  an  implexicity  in  the  interwovenness  of  the  cir- 
cularity, that  should  give  the  sight,  and  sound,  and  fragrance  of 
the  maziness  in  that  most  amazing  of  mazes,  where  all  sorts  of 
crookednesses  made  contortion  worse  in  its  interlacings,  that — 
that — one  would  go  first  this  way,  and  then  some  other  way,  and 
then  back  again  once  more  towards  the  end,  side,  middle  and  be- 
ginning of  the  sentence,  and  yet  fail  to  discover  the — the — echo, 
— and  be  no  more  able  to  get  through  with  so  labyrinthical  un- 
periodical  a  period,  in  any  other  way  than  we  were  to  get  out 
of  the  thicket,  and  that  was  by  bursting  out — so ! 

However,  you've  picked  black-berries? — gone  after  chicken- 
grapes  or  something,  in  your  early  days?  You've  set  snares  in 
pretty  thick  thickets,  where  you  went  on  all-fours  through  prickle- 
bushes  to  save  your  face?  Well — aggregate  the  trifling  impedi- 
ments of  your  worst  entanglements;  then  colour  matters  a  little, 
and  you  approximate  a  just  conception  of  our  thicket.  In  this,  all 
sorts  of  trees,  bushes,  briars,  thorns,  and  creepers,  the  very  in- 
stant their  seeds  were  dropped  or  roots  set  by  nature, — and  some 
without  staying  for  either  root  or  seed, — started  right  up  and  off 
all  at  once  a  growing  with  all  their  might,  each  and  every  strug- 
gling, like  all  creation  for  the  ascendancy,  and  thus  preventing  one 
another  and  all  others  from  getting  too  large;  yet,  in  haste  and 


THIRD  YEAR  305 

eagerness,  like  candidates  climbing  a  hickery-pole,  all  wrapping, 
and  interlacing,  and  interweaving  trunks,  boughs,  branches,  arms, 
roots  and  shoots,  till  no  eye  could  tell  whether,  for  instance,  the 
creeper  produced  the  thorn,  or  the  thorn  the  creeper,  or  the  vine 
the  scrub-oak,  or  the  oak  the  grapes — and  till  the  shaking,  or 
pulling,  or  touching,  of  a  single  branch,  vine,  root,  or  briar  shook 
a  thousand! — ay!  like  the  casting  of  a  pebble  into  a  lake,  till 
it  disturbed  in  some  degree  the  whole  immensity  of  the  thicket! 
And  so  all,  in  sheer  rage,  malice,  and  vexation,  sent  forth  all 
manners,  kinds  and  sorts  of  prickers  and  scratchers,  and  thorns, 
and  scarifiers ;  and  began  to  bear  all  manners  and  kinds  and  sorts 
of  flowers,  and  poisonous  berries,  and  grapes ! 

In  places,  a  black  walnut,  or  hackberry,  or  sycamore,  having 
like  a  Pelagian,  an  intrinsic  virtue  had  got  the  start  of  nature  by  a 
few  hours  at  the  beginning  of  the  swamp;  and  had  ever  since 
kept  a  head  so  elevated  as  now  to  be  overlooking  miles  around  of 
the  mazy  world  below,  and  presenting  a  trunk  and  boughs  so 
wrapped  in  vines  and  parasites  as  to  form  a  thicket  within  a 
thicket,  an  intyerium  in  imperio;  while  coiled  and  wreathed  there 
into  fantastic  twistings,  immense  serpentine  grape  vines  seemed 
like  boas  and  anacondas,  ready  to  enfold  and  crush  their  victims ! 
Nay,  in  every  labyrinth  were  concealed  worlds  of  insects,  reptiles, 
and  winged  creatures;  and  some,  judging  from  their  hisses,  and 
growls,  and  mutterings,  as  they  darted  from  one  concealment  to 
another  at  the  strange  invasion  of  their  dens  and  lairs,  were 
doubtless  formidable  in  aspect,  and  not  innoxious  in  bites  and 
stings. 

Through  this  apparently  impervious  wilderness  of  the  woven 
world  twist,  however,  we  did — onward,  as  Uncle  John  said.  I 
thought  it  was  a  vain  struggle,  like  striving  to  free  one's  self  from 
the  meshes  of  a  giant's  net !  Yet  I  kept  close  in  the  rear  of  his 
horse;  for  Mr.  Seymour  insisted  on  being  pilot,  and  politeness 
yields  to  elders  even  in  wriggling  through  a  swamp.  But  what 
need  be  told  our  contrivances  to  work  through?  Never  in 
words  can  be  painted  the  drawing  up  of  our  legs ! — the  shrinking 
of  our  bodies — the  condensation  of  our  arms ! — the  bowings  down 
of  our  heads,  with  compressed  lips  and  shut  eyes!  But  still  we 
talked  thus: 


306  THIRD  YEAR 

"Oh !  hullow !  stop,  won't  you  ?" 

"What's  the  matter?" 

"My  hat's  gone." 

"There  it  is,  dangling  on  that  branch — look  up — higher — 
higher  yet!" 

"Oh!  yes — I  see: — lucky  the  hat  wasn't  tied  under  a  fellow's 
chin,  hey? — how  the  thing  jerked!" 

"Ouch! — what  a  scratch! — just  get  out  your  knife  and  cut  this 
green-briar." 

"I've  cut  it — go  on : — look  out,  you'll  lose  your  right  leggin." 

"Whi-i-i-irr!— what's  that?" 

"A  pheasant!" 

"H-i-i-ss ! — what's  that  ?" 

"A  snake!" 

"Haw!  haw!  haw! — if  your  trousers  aint  torn  the  prettiest!" 

"Don't  taste  them! — they  ain't  grapes! — they  are  poison 
berries !" 

"Look — quick ! — what  an  enormous  lizard !" 

And  then  such  knocks  on  the  head!  Did  I  ever  think  heads, 
before  the  aid  of  phrenology,  could  bear  such  whacks !  Soft  heads, 
surely,  must  have  been  mashed,  and  hard  ones,  cracked;  and, 
therefore,  Uncle  John  and  I  had  medium  sculls,  and  the  precise 
developments  to  go  through  thickets.  I  had  always  disbelieved 
the  vulgar  saying,  about  "knocked  into  a  cocked  hat," — deeming  it 
indeed,  possible  to  be  knocked  out  of  one;  but  my  infidelity  left 
me  in  that  swamp,  when  I  saw  the  very  odd  figures  we  made 
after  our  squeezings,  abrasions,  and  denudings.  The  shape  of  a 
cocked  hat  was  not  at  all  like  them !  and  yet,  in  about  three  hours 
from  the  starting  at  the  gulley,  we  somehow  or  other  stood  on 
the  summit  of  a  bold  bluff,  and  beheld  the  river  coolly  and  beauti- 
fully flowing  beneath  our  feet  away  below !  Here  we  halted,  first 
to  repair  apparel,  wipe  off  perspiration,  and  pick  out  briars  and 
thorns  from  the  hands  and  other  half-denuded  parts;  and,  second- 
ly, to  determine  the  next  movement,  when — hark !  the  sound  of  an 
axe ! — yes !  and  hark ! — of  human  voices ! 

Between  us  and  the  sounds,  evidently  not  more  than  two 
hundred  yards  up  the  river,  interposed  a  dense  and  thorny  ram- 
part ;  but  with  coats  fresh  buttoned  to  our  throats,  hats  half-way 


THIRD  YEAR  307 

over  the  face,  and  leggins  rebound  above  the  knee  and  at  the 
ankle,  we,  in  the  saddles,  and  retired  within  ourselves,  like  snails, 
the  outer  man  being  thus  contracted  into  the  smallest  possible 
dimension,  and  with  heads  so  inclined  as  to  render  following  the 
nose  alike  impossible  and  useless,  we  charged  with  the  vengeance 
of  living  battering  rams  against  and  into  the  matted  wall  of  sharp 
and  sour  vegetables ;  and  onward,  onward,  went  we  thus,  till  all 
at  once,  the  impediment  ceasing,  we  burst  and  tumbled  through 
into  an  open  circular  clearing  of  about  fifty  yards  diameter ! 

In  one  part  was  a  rude  shantee  or  temporary  lodge  of  poles 
and  bark,  a  la  Indian,  having  in  front,  as  cover  to  a  door-way,  a 
suspended  blanket,  perhaps  to  keep  out  mosquitoes ;  for  I  could 
neither  see  nor  imagine  any  other  use.  On  one  side  the  area, 
were  large  heaps  of  hoop-poles,  on  another,  of  barrel-staves ;  while 
in  several  places  stood  gazing  at  us  three  squatter-like  personages, 
and  evidently  not  gratified  at  our  unceremonious  visit.  The 
nature  of  their  employment  was  manifest — the  preparation  of 
some  western  "notions  and  ideas"  for  the  Orleans  market.  And 
down  the  bluff  was  a  grand  fleet  of  flat  boats,  ready  to  float  when- 
ever the  water  chose  to  come  up  to  them,  and  convey  to  market  a 
whole  forest,  in  the  shape  of  hoop-poles,  staves,  and  other  raw 
material,  not  only  now  being  prepared,  but  which  had  been  being 
prepared  and  was  yet  to  be  being  />re-prepared  in  all  the  fashion- 
able modern  tenses ! 

"Well,  what  of  that?" 

Nothing!  it  was  very  correct,  except  in  one  small  particular, 
although  not  a  grammatical  one ;  this  snug  little  swamp  and  thicket, 
some  thirty  miles  by  two  in  extent,  and  full  of  choice  timber,  hap- 
pened to  belong  to  our  Great  Father's  elder  brother  the  venerable 
dear  good  old  Uncle  Sam!  And  these  reprobate  nephews, 
our  cousins,  were  simply  busy  in  taking  more  than  their  share  of 
the  common  heritage — in  short,  they  were  poaching  and  stealing! 
Now,  kind  reader,  for  the  last  three  hours,  we  had  passed  through 
a  considerable  scrape ;  nay,  as  we  had  shrunk  up,  it  may  be  called 
a  narrow  scrape,  but  on  comprehending  the  present  affair,  it 
seemed  not  improbable  that  we  had  only  come  out  of  the  scrape 
literal,  into  the  scrape  metaphorical. 

"How  so?"  Why  you  see,  a  large  penalty  was  incurred  for  cut- 


308  THIRD  YEAR 

ting  down  and  stealing  public  timber;  and  the  informer  got  a 
handsome  share  of  the  fine  as  reward;  so  that  our  industrious 
kinsmen  taking  us,  at  first,  for  spies  and  informers,  not  only 
looked,  but  talked  quite  growly ;  and  we  both  felt  a  little  nervous 
at  sight  of  the  rifles  and  scalping  knives  in  the  shantee !  Here  is  a 
first-rate  temptation  to  make  a  thrilling  story;  but  I  must  not 
forget  the  dignity  of  history — (although  Uncle  John  and  I  both 
thrilled  at  the  time  without  any  story) — and  so  I  proceed  to  say, 
that  we  soon  satisfied  our  free  traders  who  we  were;  and  that 
they  condescended  not  only  to  laugh,  but  to  sneer  at  us,  and  then 
pointed  to  a  nice  little  wagon  that  one  of  them  had  driven  yester- 
day from  near  Razorville,  with  their  supplies  for  the  current 
week!  And  that  was  the  identical  rut-making  machine,  that,  so 
contrary  to  every  body's  wishes  had  coaxed  us  into  the  thicket ! 

We  were  then  taught  how  to  return  on  its  trace,  by  a  kind  of 
opening  through  the  maze;  and  received  ample  directions  where 
and  how  to  cross  the  ravine.  We  accordingly  hastened  away; 
but  we  never  felt  perfectly  easy,  or  ventured  to  laugh  honestly, 
till  full  two  hundred  yards  beyond  the  longest  rifle  shot,  which 
might  very  accidentally  take  our  direction,  and,  maybe,  hit  us. 
The  path  over  the  ravine  was,  indeed,  less  tangled,  where 
the  wagon  had  passed;  yet  it  was  a  quarter  of  a  mile  above  our 
crossing  place,  and  concealment  had  evidently  been  studied  in  the 
way  the  stave-maker's  vehicle  had  put  off,  even  at  an  acute  angle, 
at  the  point  where  we  had  lost  its  trail;  and  in  the  windings  we 
had  to  thread  among  the  high  grass  before  we  again  reached  that 
point.  After  having  thus  lost  a  wagon  in  a  prairie,  I  felt  in- 
clined to  believe  in  the  difficulty  of  finding  a  needle  in  a  hay- 
stack. But  we  came,  finally,  to  a  deserted  cabin ;  and  there,  after 
a  keen  look,  discovered  a  little  path  laid  down  for  us  in  the  late 
verbal  chart.  Here,  confident  from  experience,  that  this  rabbit 
track  of  a  road,  some  two  inches  wide  was  yet  one  of  fifty  similar 
ones  leading  to  the  grand  trace,  path,  or  way,  we  struck  off  at 
a  rapid  gait ;  and  in  an  hour  came  to  the  open  wagon  road,  which 
we  know  conducted  to  Mr.  Stafford's  Public. 

Revived  we  now  cantered  on,  and  not  long  after  reached  our 
breakfast-house,  just  as  the  sun  was  going  down — having  in  the 
day's  navigation  with  all  our  tackings  made  precisely  seven  miles, 


THIRD  YEAR  309 

by  the  short-cut,  in  the  homeward  direction.  Since  Monday 
night,  we  had  eaten  nothing,  and  were  naturally  ready  now  for 
three  meals  in  one;  and  yet  were  we  destined  to  wait  a  little 
longer  and  condense  into  one  four  repasts — like  ancient  Persians 
when  hunting.  For,  either  not  liking  our  appearance,  or  vexed 
at  our  not  having  come  earlier  to  breakfast,  we  were  here  most 
pertinaciously  refused  any  entertainment  whatever,  and  even 
peremptorily  ordered  away;  and  were,  indeed,  compelled  to  put 
off  for  the  nearest  house,  some  eight  miles  farther  at  the  ferry ! 
Half  a  mile  from  Staffords,  we  met  a  young  fellow,  evidently  in 
an  ill-humour  at  something,  who  did,  verily  condescend  to  direct 
us  how  to  steer  through  a  sea  of  grass,  rolling  its  waves  over 
the  prairie's  bosom  in  the  haze  of  the  approaching  night;  but 
whether  the  rascal  sent  us  wrong  purposely,  or  we  had  so  prac- 
ticed getting  lost  as  to  render  the  thing  easy,  after  seeming  to 
come  duly  to  expected  points,  in  about  six  miles  we  could  find 
no  more  points,  and  so  began  travelling  at  a  venture ;  and  at  ten 
o'clock  at  night,  it  being  then  profoundly  dark,  we  resigned  our 
reason  to  the  horses'  instinct  to  take  us  where  th3y  listed.  We 
knew  the  creatures  would  follow  some  path  and  carry  us,  some 
time  or  other,  to  a  human  habitation,  if  that  of  a  poacher  or 
squatter;  and  any  thing  seemed  then  preferable  to  the  wilds  of 
the  prairie! 

In  about  two  hours  my  horse,  now  in  the  lead,  suddenly  halted, 
when  dismounting,  I  tried  first  with  my  feet,  and  then  my  hands, 
and  quickly  had  by  these  new  senses  a  feeling  sense  of  our 
situation,  viz.  that  we  stood  at  the  diverging  point  of  two  paths 
running  from  one  another  at  nearly  a  right  angle! 

"Well,  what  do  you  say — what  shall  we  take?" 

"Hem! — what  do  you  say?  Don't  it  seem  damp  towards  the 
right?" 

"I  think  it  does — and  maybe  the  river  is  that  way.  Don't  it 
seem  like  rising  ground  towards  the  left,  to  you?" 

"It  does — let's  try  the  left — we've  had  enough  of  thickets  for 
one  day — hark !  hark ! !" 

"Bow-wow-wow !  bow-wow!"  on  the  left. 

"Sure  enough !  a  dog  towards  the  left !  push  a-head  that  way." 

The  canine  outcry  was  reduplicated  and  prolonged;  and  we 


3io  THIRD  YEAR 

were  soon  rewarded  for  our  sagacity  in  going  to  the  left  by 
coming  whack-up  against  a  worm-fence!  But  by  groping  our 
way  through  this  impediment,  a  light  was  soon  discerned  gleam- 
ing through  some  crevice ;  and  the  noise  of  the  dog  then  subsided 
into  an  angry  growl — which  growl  was  again  exchanged  into  a 
bark,  as  we  let  out  our  hearty  and  door  penetrating  "Hullow!" 
This  backwood's  sonnet  had  soon  the  desired  effect  on  the  clap- 
board shutter;  for  it  now  creaked  slowly  open,  and  allowed  to 
issue  from  the  cabin  the  following  reply  in  a  strong  soprano,  yet 
vibratory  from  apprehension — 

"Well — who  be  you?  what's  a  wantin?" 

"Strangers,  ma'am,  from  the  Big  Meeting  at  Vincennes ;  we've 
been  lost  all  day  in  the  Swamp  below  Stafford's — and  we're  lost 
now.  Will  you  be  so  kind  as  to  let  us  stay  the  rest  of  the  night 
here?" 

"Well,  it's  most  powerful  onconvenent — couldn't  you  a  sort  a 
keep  on  to  Fairplay — 'taint  more  nor  two  miles  no  how,  and  you'd 
git  mighty  good  'comedashins  thar?" 

"Oh!  ma'am,  we'd  never  find  the  way  in  the  dark.  Besides, 
our  horses  are  nearly  given  out ;  and  we  ourselves  haven't  touched 
food  for  nearly  two  days — " 

"Well!  now!  if  that  aint  amost  too  powerful  hard  like! — I'm 
a  poor  lone  woman  body — but  I  can't  let  you  go  on — so  come  in. 
But,  strangers,  you'll  find  things  right  down  poor  here,  and  have 
to  sleep  on  the  floor,  as  'cos  I've  no  more  nor  two  beds  and  them's 
all  tuk  up  by  me  and  the  childurn.  'Howsever,  thar's  a  corn  heap 
over  thar  to  feed  your  critturs;  but  we're  now  teetotally  out  of 
meal; — and  Bill's  to  start  in  the  morning  for  a  grist — and  I'm 
powerful  sorry  we've  nothin  to  eat — " 

"Oh!  thank  you,  ma'am — never  mind  us — thank  you — never 
mind !  If  we  get  corn  for  our  poor  brutes,  and  shelter  for  our- 
selves that  will  do — thank  you,  ma'am — never  mind !" 

Having  fed  our  jaded  animals  we  entered  the  cabin,  and  de- 
positing our  saddles  and  furniture  in  one  corner,  we  sat  down 
on  two  rude  stools,  like  some  modern  ottomans  in  the  city ;  being 
so  low  as  to  force  one's  knees  and  chins  into  near  proximity. 
They  had  indeed,  no  covering  or  cushion,  unless  such  be  con- 
sidered the  lone  woman's  indescribable,  lying  on  the  one,  and 


THIRD  YEAR  311 

Bill's  tow-linen  breeches  on  the  other — articles  we  considerately, 
however,  removed  for  fear  of  soiling. 

The  next  thing  we  did  was  to  poke  up  the  slumbering  fire ;  by 
the  light  of  which  we  first  cast  rueful  looks  on  one  another,  and 
then  some  sideway  glances  around  the  apartment.  In  one  spot, 
stood  a  barrel  with  an  empty  bag  of  dim  whiteness,  hanging 
partly  in  and  partly  out,  while  across  its  top  was  laid  a  kneading 
bowl,  and  in  that  a  small  washing  machine; — the  barrel  being 
manifestly  the  repository  of  meal,  and  the  bag  the  very  affair  Bill 
was  to  ride,  in  the  morning,  to  mill.  Near  us  was  a  shelf  holding 
a  few  utensils  for  mush  and  milk,  several  tin  cups,  a  wooden 
bowl  in  need  of  scouring,  and  some  calabashes;  a  large  calabash 
we  had  noticed  outside  the  door,  having  a  small  grape  vine  for 
a  handle,  and  intended  to  represent  a  bucket  for  water  and  other 
wet  and  dry  uses.  In  a  strap  of  deerskin  nailed  under  the  shelf 
were  stuck  certain  knives,  some  ornamented  with  buck-horn 
handles,  one  or  two  with  corn-cob  handles,  and  one  handleless; 
and  interspersed  judiciously  in  the  same  strap  were  pincushions, 
scissors,  comb,  and  a  few  other  et  ceteras  of  a  hocsiery  toilette. 

But  the  curiosities  were  "the  two  beds  and  all  tuk  up  by  the 
mother  and  the  childurn."  What  the  bedsteads  were  made  out  of 
was  not  ascertained.  Ricketty  they  were,  screeching,  squirming, 
and  wriggling  at  every  slight  motion  of  the  sleeping  household; 
but  tough  and  seasoned  too  must  have  been  to  bear  up  under  their 
respective  loads,  especially  considering  the  way  some  that  night 
kicked  under  the  covers,  and,  occasionally  over  them! 

In  one  bed  were  the  lone  (  ?)  woman  and  two  children ;  and 
in  this  I  am  confident  having  counted  three  heads,  and  one  with 
a  cap  on.  In  the  other  were  three  or  four  bodies — Uncle  John 
insisted  on  four — but  I  only  counted  three  heads  at  the  bolster ; 
yet  Uncle  John  in  his  very  last  letter  held  to  it,  that  he  saw 
another  head  sticking  out  near  the  foot,  and  two  or  three  legs 
in  such  direction  as  could  come  only  from  a  head  in  that  latitude. 
Strong  presumptive  evidence,  granted; — yet  only  presumptive, 
for  a  leal  backwood's  boy  can  twist  himself  all  round;  beside  the 
fleas  2  that  night  made  the  bed  loads  twist  their  utmost,  and  legs 

2  Fleas  out  there  are  very  savage — but  while  they  make  the  folks  very 
active  in  bed,  they  cannot  wake  them ;  for  nothing  scarcely  breaks  a 
woodsman's  sleep. 


312  THIRD  YEAR 

and  arms  became  so  surprisingly  commingled,  that  no  ordinary 
spectator  could  tell  to  what  bodies  they  severally  pertained.  And 
never  were  beds  so  "all  tuk  up,"  nor  so  wonderfully  slept  all 
over,  till  by  daylight  the  whole  of  their  sleep  must  have  been  fully 
extracted ;  and  hence,  it  was  plain  enough  there  was  no  room  for 
Uncle  John  or  me  in  either  bed ;  and  if  we  wanted  any  sleep  we 
must  get  it  out  of  the  puncheons.  We  spread,  therefore,  our 
horse-blankets  each  on  a  puncheon,  our  separating  line  being  an 
interstice  of  three  inches ;  and,  transforming  saddlebags  into 
pillows,  we  essayed  to  sleep  away  our  weariness  and  hunger.  But 
the  "sweet  restorer's"  balmy  influences  were  all  confined  that 
night,  to  the  two  regular  beds;  and  that  among  other  causes 
owing  to  a  motherly  she-swine  with  a  litter  of  ever  so  many  pigs, 
and  some  other  bristled  gentry  in  the  basement,  whence  ascended 
an  overpowering  dry  hickory  nut  fragrance,  and  endless  variations 
of  grunt,  squeak,  and  shuffle — and  in  all  likelihood  the  oceans  of 
fleas  disturbing  us!  If  not  thence,  I  leave  it  to  such  critics  to 
ascertain,  who  delight  in  saying  and  finding  smart  things. 

Upon  the  whole  it  was  not,  then,  so  old  that  about  an  hour 
before  dawn,  we  made  ready  to  set  out  in  search  of  Fairplay.  And 
of  course  our  preparations  awaked  the  lone  woman;  when  the 
"cap,"  already  named,  being  elevated  above  the  sleeping  line  of 
the  other  heads,  and  also  several  capless  pates  of  dirty  matted 
hair — (gender  indeterminate) — being  also  raised  and  thrust  forth 
in  the  other  bed,  we  thus  held  our  farewell  colloquy : 

"Well,  my  good  friend,  we  thank  you  kindly  for  your  hospital- 
ity, and  we  are  about  starting  now ; — what  shall  we  pay  you  ?" 

"Laws!  bless  you,  stranger!  how  you  talk! — why  do  y'allow 
I'd  axe  people  what's  lost  anything? — and  for  sick  'comedashins ?" 

Oh !  ma'am — but  we  put  you  to  trouble — " 

"Trouble! — I  don't  mind  trouble  now  no  how — I've  had  too 
big  a  share  on  it  to  mind  it  any  more  amost — " 

"Why,  ma'am  you've  been  very  kind — and  we  really  can't  go 
away  till  we  pay  you  something — " 

"Stranger! — I  sees  you  wants  to  do  what's  right — but  you 
needn't  take  out  that  puss — I'll  have  to  be  a  most  powerful  heap 
poorer  nor  I'm  now,  afore  I'll  take  anything  for  sich  a  poor 
shelter  to  feller  critturs  what's  lost — and  them  a  comin  from 


THIRD  YEAR  313 

w-eetin  too!  Ain't  that  oldermost  stranger  a  kinder  sort  a 
preacher  ?" 

"No.  my  friend,  I'm  only  a  member — " 

"Well — I  couldn't  axe  meetin  folks  nothin  for  the  best.  I'm 
right  glad  you  didn't  take  the  right  hand  trail  below  our  fence, 
you'd  a  got  into  the  swamp  agin.  Now  jist  mind  when  you  come 
to  a  big  sugar  what  blow'd  down  by  the  haricane,  and  take  the 
left,  and  that  will  git  you  clear  of  the  bio — and  then  keep  rite 
strate  on  forrerd  and  you'll  soon  git  to  Fairplay. 

Farewells  were  then  cordially  exchanged,  and  we  left  the  poor 
lone  woman  with  emotions  of  pity,  gratitude,  and  admiration; 
and  we  thought  too  of  "the  cup  of  water" — "the  two  mites" — of 
"one  half  the  world  knows  not  how  the  other  lives" — and  "man 
wants  but  little  here  below" — and  of  all  similar  sacred  and  secular 
sayings,  till  we  came  to  the  prostrate  sugar-tree.  There  we  made 
a  judicious  digression  to  avoid  miring  and  suffocating  in  the 
morass,  and  then  shortly  after  dismounted  safe  and  sound,  but 
frightfully  hungry,  at  Fairplay. 

And  here  we  rest  awhile  to  devour  two  breakfasts  and  repair 
if  possible  the  loss  of  dinner  and  supper;  and  in  the  meanwhile 
we  shall  speak  of  the  village. 

Fairplay  was  a  smart  place,  consisting  of  two  entirely  new  log 
houses,  built  last  summer,  in  spite  and  opposition  to  Briarton  con- 
cealed in  the  bushes  on  the  other  side  of  the  river:  and  also  a 
public  or  tavern — in  futuro,  however,  as  it  was  only  now  a- 
building.  As  yet  it  was  not  roofed  entirely,  nor  were  the  second 
story  floors  laid,  nor  had  it  any  chimneys.  Indeed,  its  walls 
were  incomplete,  the  daubing  being — ah !  what  is  the  fashionable 
grammar  here,  for  the  case  absolute?  I  do  not  wish  to  be  be- 
hind the  age  too  far,  and  am  desirous  of  having  the  Fairplay 
hotel  grammatically  daubed.  "Daubing  being  done?"  No,  it  was 
not  completed.  "Daubing  doing?" — that  would  make  mud  an 
active  agent;  whereas,  in  the  operation,  it  is  the  most  passive 
subject  in  the  world,  and  is  dreadfully  trampled,  pounded,  beat, 
splashed,  scattered  and  smeared.  "Daubing  a-doing?"  no:  the 
work  had  ceased  for  the  present,  and  the  clay  was  actually  dry 
where  the  work  had  been  "being"  done.  Stop!  I  have  it — the 
daubing  "being"  being  done'!  and  so  all  eating  and  sleeping  were 


314  THIRD  YEAR 

in  one  large  airy  room  below,  with  a  flooring  of  unnailed  boards, 
and  half  a  dozen  windows  full  of  sashes  but  destitute  of  glass ;  and 
having  also  two  doors  closed  with  sheets  instead  of  shutters. 

Cooking  was  performed  to-day  out  of  doors ;  hence  while 
waiting  for  breakfast  we  inhaled  the  savory  essence  of  fried 
chickens,  fried  bacon,  roasted  potatoes,  herb-tea,  store-coffee,  and 
above  all,  of  slap-jacks  compounded  from  cornmeal,  eggs  and 
milk,  and  fried  in  a  pan — thus  in  a  measure  getting  two  breakfasts 
out  of  one.  True,  with  the  fragrance  entered  the  smoke ;  yet  what 
great  pleasure  is  without  its  concomitant  pain!  Beside — but  take 
care!  take  care!  here  comes  the  breakfast,  and  we  are  ordered: — 

"Well,  strangers!  come,  sit  up  and  help  yourselves.  I  allow 
you're  a  sorter  hungry  after  sich  a  most  powerful  starvation." 

*  *  *  * 

Breakfast  among  the  Stars  * 

*  *  *  * 

"Landlord !  our  horses,  if  you  please." 

"They're  at  the  door — they  look  a  right  smart  chance  wusted — 
but  maybe  they'll  take  you  home — wish  you  a  pleasant  journey 
and  no  more  scrapes." 

The  landlord's  wishes  were  not  disappointed,  for  in  due  time  we 
were  snug  at  home. 


CHAPTER    XLI. 

"This   man's   brow,   like   the   title   leaf, 
Foretells  the  nature  of  a  tragic  volume." 

NOT  long  after  Mr.  Seymour's  return  to  Glenville,  the  patri- 
archal cabin  with  its  acres  of  clearings,  deadenings  and  girdlings, 
and  with  all  its  untouched  and  unfenced  woods,  was  sold  to  a 
stranger ;  and  then  our  friends-  all  removed  to  Bishop  Hilsbury's 
late  residence,  near  the  tannery.  The  name,  indeed,  was  retained, 
but  the"  glory  of  Glenville  Settlement  was  fading.3  Still  visits  were 

8  "A  man  named  Magennis  bought  our  cabin  and  Mr.  Reed's  about  a 
mile  from  the  Indian  grave.  A  brick  house  was  put  up  by  Magennis. 
Mrs.  Young  was  buried  near  the  Tannery.  The  R.  Road  must  run  through 
Glenville.  Paris  C.  Dunning  had  a  brother  who  settled  in  Gossport.  Mr. 


THIRD  YEAR  315 

interchanged,  although  we  of  Woodville  received  more  than  we 
paid;  and  my  emotions  became  most  delightful,  whenever  re- 
turning on  Saturday  evenings  from  a  short  squirrel  hunt,  I  dis- 
cerned at  a  distance  Uncle  John's  horse  tied  to  our  rack.  Often, 
too,  would  some  of  us,  the  day  he  was  expected,  sit  the  last  hour 
at  an  upper  window,  and  watch  the  leafy  barrier,  where  our 
dear  friend  was  expected  momentarily  to  break  through  into  the 
mellow  light  of  the  departing  sun — ay!  that  dear  old  man  was 
so  loved,  we  felt  like  hugging  and  kissing  the  very  horse  that 
brought  him ! 

Christmas  was  now  approaching;  and  all  Glenville  that  remained 
was  expected  to  spend  the  holiday  at  Woodville.  For  this  visit, 
our  whole  house  had  been  prepared — bedrooms  were  arranged  to 
render  sleeping  warm  and  refreshing — fat  poultry  was  killed — 
mince-pies  concocted,  cider  bought ;  in  short,  all  the  goodies,  vege- 
table, animal,  and  saccharine,  usually  congregated  at  this  joyous 
season,  were  stored  and  ready.  In  the  parlour,  a  compound  of 
sitting-room,  dining-room,  and  bed-chamber,  a  magnificent  fire  of 
clean  white  sugar-tree  with  a  green  beech  back-log  was  warming 
and  enlivening;  while  the  lid  of  the  piano  was  raised,  with  copies 
of  favourite  pieces  ready,  and  an  eight-keyed  flute,  and  a  four- 
stringed  violin  on  its  top — all  ready  for  a  grand  burst  of  innocent 
fun  and  frolic  at  the  coming  of  the  loved  ones!  Oh!  we  should 
be  so  happy! 

Night  at  length  drew  near;  and  so  after  an  entire  afternoon 
passed  in  expectation  and  affirmations,  thus — "Well,  they  will 
be  here  in  a  few  minutes,  now!" — and  after  repeated  visits  to 
our  observatory  in  the  attic,  we  had  concluded  that,  beyond  all 


Young  had  the  store  there.  Im  his  store  Brasier  and  I  talked  about  the 
earth's  shape.  There  the  buttons  were  sold.  Bush,  Reed,  and  myself 
constituted  the  first  Wabash  Presbytery,  formed  in  Mr.  Reed's  cabin 
near  the  tannery.  I  suggested  the  name  'Gossport' — for  'Old  Man'  Goss 
— also  'Alexandria,'  and  'Youngsville.'  Mr.  Alexander  and  Mr.  Young 
owned  the  tract.  'Gosport'  was  preferred  as  Mr.  Goss  was  the  largest 
owner."  Hall's  Letter  to  Nunnemacher,  Oct.  19,  1885. 

On  January  19,  1826,  Young  sold  to  Elisha  McGinnis  80  acres  in  Section 
17-11-2.  This  "Glenville  settlement"  is  still  owned  by  a  descendant  of 
Elisha  McGinnis, — four  miles  north  of  Gosport.  This  information  is- 
furnished  by  the  courtesy  of  Mr.  (Charles  S.  Surber,  Recorder  of  Owen. 
County,  Indiana. 


316  THIRD  YEAR 

doubt,  within  a  half-hour  the  cavalcade  would  arrive.  But,  that 
half-hour  elapsed,  and  no  friends  came!  and  then  another!  and 
still  another!  and  even  then  no  friends!  It  was  then  so  very 
much  later  than  our  old  folks  had  been  wont  to  come,  that  we 
all  sat  now  in  the  gloom  of  disappointment  around  the  parlour, 
uneasy,  and  with  forebodings  of  evil — when  the  clatter  of  a  horse 
moving  rapidly  over  the  frozen  earth  called  us  in  haste  to  the 
door ;  upon  opening  which,  John  Glenville  was  seen  dismounting, 
who  immediately  entered  and  with  a  countenaonce  of  deep 
distress — 

"Why,  dear  John !  what  is  the  matter  ? 

"Melancholy  enough!  poor  Uncle  has  fallen  and  broken  his 
thigh!  I've  come  over  for  Sylvan,  and  must  go  back  with  him 
instantly.    I  left  word  for  him  to  be  ready  in  fifteen  minutes." 
****** 

Ah!  dear  reader!  if  one's  happiness  is  wholly  from  the  earth, 
what  shall  we  do  when  that  happiness  is  so  marred?  Our  joy  be- 
came instant  mourning — our  pleasant  apartment,  cheerless — our 
dainty  food,  tasteless — our  music,  the  voice  of  lamentation ! 

Dear  old  kind-hearted  man !  after  all  the  sore  disappointments 
of  a  long  life  is  this  sad  affliction  added  to  your  sorrows,  and 
pains,  and  many  bodily  injuries!  Again,  in  old  age,  must  you  lie 
in  that  dark  forest  in  the  anguish  of  broken  limbs ! — again  sep- 
arated from  many  that  so  love  you !  What  a  Christmas  eve  for 
you !  how  different  from  those  passed  in  our  days  of  prosperity ! 

For  myself,  when  recalling  the  incidents  of  our  late  journey — 
our  harmless  pleasantries — our  solemn  and  serious  conversations — 
his  hoary  head  on  the  floor  of  the  lone  woman's  cabin — his 
patience,  hilarity,  and  noble  heart — and  thought  of  him  refused  a 
night's  lodging,  who  had  sheltered  and  fed  so  many  strangers,  and 
of  him.  turned,  weary,  hungry  and  sick  into  a  western  wilderness 
at  night ! — and  now  that  grey  head  on  a  pillow  of  anguish !  that 
pleasant  face  changed  by  pain!  that  often  broken  body  again 
crushed  and  mangled — But,  let  us  change  the  subject. 

Our  friends  had  purposed  leaving  home  early  on  the  morning 
of  the  24th,  but  an  unforeseen  business  having  called  away  John 
Glenville,  the  expedition  was  postponed  a  few  hours.  Yet  when 
he  came  not  at  the  hour,  it  was  then  concluded  that  the  old  folks 


THIRD  YEAR  317 

should  set  out  by  themselves,  with  the  belief  that  Mr.  Glenville 
could  easily  overtake  them  on  the  road.  To  prepare  the  horses, 
Mr.  Seymour  descended  a  small  hill  to  the  stable,  whilst  Aunt 
Kitty  remained  in  the  cabin  to  arrange  a  few  small  matters  pre- 
vious to  the  starting.  But  as  her  brother  was  absent  a  full  quar- 
ter of  an  hour  beyond  what  seemed  necessary,  she  stepped  to  the 
cabin-door,  and  with  the  slightest  possible  impatience — when,  to 
her  amazement,  she  heard  a  faint  voice  calling  on  her  for  help, 
and  the  groans  of  one  as  in  great  bodily  pain !  She  flew  in  alarm 
down  the  hill — and  at  the  stable-door  lay  Uncle  John,  his  leg 
broken  off  at  the  head  of  the  thigh  bone,  himself  in  an  agony  of 
pain,  and  in  danger  of  perishing  even  from  cold,  without  a 
speedy  removal !  His  horse  had  proved  restive  on  being  led  from 
the  stable,  and  in  a  consequent  struggle  Mr.  S.  slipping  on  some 
ice  had  fallen  and  received  the  hurt. 

Aunt  Kitty  quickly  decided  on  her  plan.  She  brought  from 
the  cabin  the  buffalo  robe  bestowed  by  the  Osage  warchief,  and 
spreading  it  near  her  wounded  brother,  she  managed,  weak  and 
unaided,  to  get  him,  a  large  and  heavy  man,  fairly  into  the  mid- 
dle of  the  robe.  Staying,  then,  her  tears,  and  raising  her  heart 
to  God  for  fortitude  and  strength,  she  began  to  drag  her  mourn- 
ful load  towards  the  cabin.  But  she  soon  found  herself  too  weak 
for  the  task,  and  in  despair  looked  around — when,  on  her  way 
home,  and,  by  an  unusual  path  near  our  cabin,  passed  now  that 
very  woman  commemorated  elsewhere  in  this  work  for  a  novel 
appearance  in  cow  hunting!  Catching  a  glimpse  of  this  woman 
Aunt  Kitty  cried  out  for  asistance;  and  the  kindhearted  neigh- 
bour was  almost  instantly  at  her  side,  and  adding  a  strength 
superior  to  that  of  a  dozen  pretty  ladies,  she  soon,  with  Aunt 
Kitty's  aid,  had  our  wounded  relative  hauled  to  the  cabin-door. 
Here,  with  great  difficulty  and  labour  on  their  part  and  pain  on 
his,  the  sufferer  was  partly  lifted  and  partly  dragged  up  and  over 
the  steps  and  sill,  and  finally  laid  on  a  low  bed  prepared  for  his 
reception. 

Mrs.  Littleton  now  examined  her  brother's  wound,  and  with  the 
help  of  her  humble  friend,  she  forced  the  leg  into  something  like 
a  natural  position,  and  then  splintered  and  bandaged  it,  to  the 
best  of  her  ability.  In  a  few  minutes  after  this,  John  Glenville 


318  THIRD  YEAR 

entered  the  cabin,  who,  on  learning  the  mournful  accident,  in- 
stantly remounted  and  hurried  to  Woodville. 

Dr.  Sylvan  was  unfortunately  not  at  home,  and  we  obtained  only 
one  of  his  students;  when  Glenville,  having  refreshed  himself 
a  few  moments  with  us,  was,  attended  by  the  pupil,  quickly  re- 
plunged  into  the  cold  and  darkness  of  a  now  tempestuous  night 
and  howling  wilderness!  They  reached  the  cabin  a  short  time 
before  day-break:  but  the  embryo  surgeon,  without  adding  or 
taking  from,  deemed  it  best  to  let  all  the  bandages  remain  as 
Aunt  Kitty  had  bound  them!  And  so  poor  Uncle  John,  after 
lying  on  his  bed  for  seventy  wearisome  days  and  nights,  rose  again 
to  life  and  health — yet  not  to  his  former  shape  and  activity;  for 
the  leg  had  shrunk  in  the  knitting  of  the  bone,  and  his  right  side 
was  two  inches  shorter  than  before  the  accident. 

And  yet,  reader,  so  youthful  and  buoyant  the  spirit  of  this  noble 
old  gentleman,  that  he  and  I  hunted  often  together  after  his  re- 
covery— he  walking  with  a  crutch  in  one  hand  and  a  heavy  rifle  in 
the  other!  But  so  gloomy  had  become  the  cabin  life  to  the  old 
folks,  where  death  might  easily  occur  from  the  absence  of  ordinary 
help,  and  where,  perhaps,  Uncle  John's  deformity  might  have  been 
lessened  by  prompt1  medical  aid,  that  our  tannery  was  sold,  and 
our  relatives  removed  to  Woodville.  Mr.  Glenville,  however, 
chose  a  new  site  for  a  store  several  miles  from  the  old  settlement, 
which  then,  as  to  us,  ceased  to  be — save  that  sacred  spot  reserved 
in  the  sale,  and  where  rest,  far  from  us,  scattered  as  we  are,  and 
ever  in  this  life  shall  be,  the  ashes  of  the  mother ! 

Once,  but  once,  subsequent  to  this  desertion,  did  I  pass  along  a 
new  road  laid  through  that  settlement,  and  between  the  two 
cabins.  Around,  for  many  acres,  the  forest  was  no  more,  but 
corn  and  grain  were  ripening  in  its  place.  A  new  brick  house 
stood  in  our  garden;  and  the  cabin  was  changed  into  a  stable. 
And  yet,  while  all  the  changes  were  for  the  better,  and  a  most 
joyous  evening  was  smiling  on,  the  coming  harvest — I  sat  on  my 
horse  and  had  one  of  my  girlish  fits  of  tears ! 

Yes ! — I  cried  like  Homer's  heroes — and  that  in  spite  of  the 
critic  who,  running  over  the  book  to  make  an  article,  will  say, 
"the  author,  tender-hearted  soul,  cries  again  towards  the  close 
of  year  the  third,  Chap.  xli.  p.  318."  Yes!— I  cried!  And 


FOURTH  YEAR  319 

since  that  summer's  evening,  I  have  never  seen  my  first  forest 
home;  for  I  purposely  ever  after  avoided  the  hateful  new  road 
through  it,  and  that  too  by  the  Indian  grave. 


CHAPTER  XLII. 
FOURTH   YEAR. 

"Sit    mihi    fas    audita   loqui." 
"It  is  the  witness  still  of  excellency. 
To  put  a  strange  face  on  his  own  perfection." 

OUR  fourth  year  introduces  an  epoch,  the  Augustan  age  of  the 
New  Purchase — the  opening  of  the  State  College ! l 

And  now  comes  on  the  stage,  as  one  principal  actor,  my  friend, 
the  Reverend  Charles  Clarence,  A.M.,  Principal  and  Professor  of 
Ancient  Languages.  This  gentleman  had  accepted  our  appoint- 
ment, not  for  the  paltry  stipend  paid  as  his  salary,  but  wholly 
because  he  longed  to  be  in  the  romantic  West,  and  among  its 
earliest  literary  pioneers;  and  hence,  early  this  spring,  he  was 
with  us,  and  not  merely  ready,  but  even  enthusiastically  impatient 
to  commence  his  labours. 

His  wife  was  with  him — the  woman  of  his  seven  years'  love! 
They  had  tasted,  however,  the  wormwood  of  affliction's  cup,  and 
even  now  wore  the  badges  of  recent  bereavements.  Mr.  Clarence, 
leaving  his  wife  and  two  little  children,  went  to  the  South  again 
on  business;  and  after  an  absence  of  four  months,  on  returning 
to  his  boarding  house  in  Philadelphia,  he  was  surprised  at  hearing 
and  seeing  no  signs  of  his  babes.  His  wife,  instead  of  answer- 
ing in  words  his  eager  questions,  suddenly  threw  her  arms  about 
his  neck,  and  bursting  into  an  agony  of  tears,  exclaimed, — "Both 
are  dead ! — come  into  our  room — I'll  tell  you  all !" 

Here  was  a  sad  waking  from  day-dreaming!  and  Clarence  was 
with  us,  having  altered  views  of  life,  and  seeing  that  we  have 
something  to  do  in  it,  besides  to  amuse  or  be  amused.  Happy 

1  The  (State  Seminary  was  opened  by  Hall  in  1824.  This  would  place 
his  coming  to  Indiana  as  early  as  1821.  It  was  probably  his  third  year, 
not  his  fourth. 


320  FOURTH  YEAR 

chastisement  our  friend  afterwards  deemed  it,  when  encountering 
sore  disappointments  and  many,  in  his  professional  career:  ay! 
he  was  destined  to  endure  the  utter  crushing  of  all  his  high  hopes 
and  purposes.  For,  if  ever  man  was  influenced  by  disinterested 
motives,  and  fired  with  enthusiasm  for  advancing  solid  learning, — 
if  ever  one  desirous  of  seeing  Western  institutions  rival,  if  not  ex- 
cel others, — if  a  person  came  willing  to  live  and  die  with  us,  and  to 
sacrifice  eastern  tastes  and  prejudices,  and  become,  in  every 
proper  way,  a  Western  Man,  my  friend  Clarence  was  he.2 

His  labours  and  actions  proved  this.  Look  for  instance  at  his 
daily  teaching — his  five  and  six  hours  usually  spent  in  the  recita- 
tion room ;  at  his  preaching,  always  twice  on  the  Sabbath,  and  com- 
monly several  times  during  the  week;  at  his  visits  to  the  sick 
and  the  dying,  and  his  attendance  on  funerals !  And  these  things 
extended  beyond  his  own  denomination — when  requested,  and  that 
was  often ;  for  rarely,  even  in  his  own  sicknesses  and  melancholy 
hours,  did  he  refuse  what  seemed  his  duty  to  others.  When  too 
feeble  to  leave  his  house,  he  heard  the  recitations  in  his  bed ;  and 
when  unable  to  stand,  he  sat  in  his  congregation  and  preached, 
his  person  emaciated  and  his  face  death-like.  Nor  did  he  con- 
fine his  teaching  to  the  routine  himself  had  followed,  but  he  in- 
troduced other  branches,  and  also  a  course  of  Greek,  unknown 
then  in  western  colleges,  and  not  common  in  eastern  ones;  and 
this,  although  it  added  to  the  severity  of  his  private  studies,  and 
for  many  months  kept  his  lamp  3  burning  even  till  two  o'clock ! 
His  only  inquiry  was,  how  can  I  best  promote  the  interests  of  the 
institution?  In  short,  therefore,  all  his  learning,  his  talents,  his 
experience,  his  accomplishments,  were  freely  and  heartily  em- 
ployed and  given,  in  season  and  out  of  season ; — and  a  knowledge 
of  all  the  music  he  possessed,  vocal  and  instrumental,  was  im- 
parted, gratuitously,  to  the  students — and  also  grammar,  moral 
philosophy,  and  the  like,  gratuitously,  and  at  extra  hours,  to  cer- 

2  In  these  pages  Hall  as  Carlton  is  speaking  of  himself  as  Clarence. 
Hall  was  married  in  Danville,  Kentucky  (Letter  to  Nunemacher).  He 
appears  to  have  returned  with  his  bride  to  Philadelphia,  where  he  lost  two 
children  before  he  came  to  Indiana. 

8  A  tin  lamp  supplied  with  melted  lard,  an-d  suspended  at  the  end  of  a 
wooden  crane,  whose  perpendicular  shaft  moved  in  sockets  fastened  to 
the  wall. 


FOURTH  YEAR  321 

tain  teachers  of  ordinary  schools,  and  some  of  these  his  former 
opponents ! 

Much  more  could  we  say,  if  the  modesty  of  my  friend  per- 
mitted; but  he  affirms  positively  that  he  will  not  edit  the  book 
if  I  do  not  stop  here.  And  yet  this  man  was  no  match  for 
veteran  cunning;  we  must  not,  however,  anticipate — and  so  we 
shall  begin  regularly  at  the  beginning,  and  go  on  till  we  end 
with  the  end;  refreshing,  during  the  story,  our  spirits  with 
the  occasional  pleasant  matters  belonging  to  our  rather  tangled 
road. 

Be  it  remembered,  as  was  intimated  in  the  early  part  of  volume 
first,  that  Uncle  Sam  is  an  undoubted  friend  of  public  education, 
and  that,  although  so  sadly  deficient  in  his  own;  and  hence, 
in  the  liberal  distribution  of  other  folk's  land,  he  bestowed  on  us 
several  entire  townships  for  a  college  or  university.  It  was, 
therefore,  democratically  believed,  and  loudly  insisted  on,  that  as 
the  State  had  freely  received,  it  should  freely  give;  and  that 
"larnin,  even  the  most  powerfullest  highest  larnin,"  should  at 
once  be  bestowed  on  every  body!  and  without  a  farthing's  ex- 
pense! Indeed,  some  gravely  said  and  argued  that  teachers  and 
professors  in  the  "people's  college  ought  to  sarve  for  the  honour !" 
or  at  least  be  content  with  "a  dollar  a  day,  which  was  more  nor 
double  what  a  feller  got  for  mauling  rails !"  The  popular  wrath 
therefore  was  at  once  excited  almost  to  fury  when  necessity  com- 
pelled us  to  fix  our  tuition  fee  at  ten  dollars  a  year;  and  the 
greatest  indignation  was  felt  and  expressed  towards  Clarence  "as 
the  feller  what  tuk  hire  for  teaching  and  preaching,  and  was 
gettin  to  be  a  big-bug  on  the  poor  people's  edicashin  money." 

Be  it  recollected  too,  that  both  big  and  little  colleges  were 
erected  by  persons  who,  with  reverence  be  it  spoken,  in  all  mat- 
ters pertaining  to  "high  larnin,"  had  not  sufficient  discrimination 
to  know  the  second  letter  of  an  alphabet  from  a  buffalo's  foot. 
Nothing,  we  incline  to  believe,  can  ever  make  State  schools  and 
colleges  very  good  ones;  but  nothing  can  make  them  so  bad,  we 
repeat,  as  for  Uncle  Sam  to  leave  every  point  open  to  debate, 
especially  among  ignorant,  prejudiced,  and  selfish  folks  in  a  New 
Purchase.  For  while  trustees  may  be  ninnies,  nincompoops,  or 
even  ninnyhammers  as  to  proper  plans  and  buildings,  yet  are  such, 


322  FOURTH  YEAR 

when  masons,  bricklayers  and  carpenters,  keen-sighted  enough  to 
secure  the  building  contracts  for  themselves  and  their  friends,  and 
curiously  exorbitant  in  their  demands  on  the  sub-treasurers  for 
their  silly  work.  The  mean-looking  and  ridiculous  arrangements 
at  Woodville  cost  as  much,  perhaps  more,  than  suitable  things, 
would  have  cost;  so  that  when  a  college  is  to  be  commenced,  it 
ought  to  be  done,  not  only  by  honest  but  by  wise,  learned,  classical 
men;  but  as  such  are  not  abundant  in  very  new  settlements,  let 
such  men  at  Washington — (and  such  are  at  Uncle  Sam's  bureau) 
— let  them  prescribe  when,  and  how,  and  where,  our  new  western 
institutions  are  to  be ;  and  if  rebellious  democrats  refuse  the  gift 
so  encumbered,  let  it  thus  be  given  to  more  modest  and  quiet 
democrats. 

Proceed  we,  however,  to  open  the  college.  And  my  narration 
may  be  depended  on,  as  Clarence  has  reviewed  the  whole  and 
says  it  is  substantially  correct, — indeed,  in  some  respect  I  was  a 
quorum-pars. 

The  institution  was  opened  the  first  day  of  May,  at  9^2  o'clock, 
A.  M.,  anno  Domini  1800  and  so  forth.4  And  some  floors  being 
unlaid,  and  the  sashes  all  being  without  glass,  the  opening  was  as 
complete  as  possible — nearly  like  that  of  an  Irish  hedge  school ! 
When  the  Principal — (so  named  in  our  minutes  and  papers,  but 
by  the  vulgar  called  master,  and  by  the  middle  sort,  teacher,) — 
appeared,  a  clever  sprinkle  of  boy B  was  in  waiting;  most  of 
which  firmly  believed  that,  by  some  magic  art,  our  hero  could,  and 
being  paid  by  government,  should,  and  without  putting  any- 
body to  the  expense  of  books  and  implements,  touch  and  transmute 
all,  and  in  less  than  no  time,  into  great  scholars. 

"Boys  and  young  gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  C.  compounding  the 
styles  of  a  pedagogue  and  professor,  "I  am  happy  to  see  you ;  and 
we  are  now  about  to  commence  our  State  College,  or,  as  some 
call  it,  the  Seminary.  I  hope  all  feel  what  an  honour  attends 
being  the  first  students  in  an  institution  so  well  endowed ;  and 
which,  therefore,  by  proper  exertions  on  our  parts,  may  eventually 
rise  to  the  level  of  eastern  colleges,  and  become  a  blessing  to  our 
State  and  country.  You  have  all,  I  suppose,  procured  the  neces- 

*  1824. 

5  A  very  lively  animal  anywhere — but  a  very  peculiar  one  out  there. 


FOURTH  YEAR  323 

sary  books,  of  which  notice  was  given  at  meeting,  and  in  several 
other  ways,  for  the  last  four  weeks." 

"I've  got  'em — " 

"Me  too—" 

"I've  brung  most  on  'em — " 

"Master — Uncle  Billy's  to  fetch  mine  out  in  his  wagin  about 
Monday  nixe — " 

"Father  says  he  couldn't  mind  the  names  and  wants  them  on 
a  paper — " 

"Books! — I  never  heern  tell  of  any  books — wont  these  here 
ones  do,  Master? — this  here's  the  Western  Spellin  one — and  this 
one's  the  Western  Kalkelatur?" 

"Mr.  'Glarinse — I  fotch'd  my  copy-book  and  a  bottle  of  red-ink 
to  sit  down  siferin  in — and  daddy  wants  me  to  larn  bookkeepin 
and  surveyin." 

"Order  boys — order!" — (hem!) — "let  all  take  seats  in  front. 

There  is  a  misunderstanding  with  some,  both  as  to  the  books  and 
the  whole  design  and  plan  of  the  school,  I  perceive.  This  is  a 
Classical  and  Mathematical  School;  and  that  fact  is  stated  and 
fully  explained  in  the  trustees'  public  advertisements;  and  no 
person  can  be  admitted  unless  one  intending  to  enter  upon  and 
pursue  the  prescribed  course;  and  that  includes  even  at  the  start 
Latin,  Greek,  and  Algebra.  Now,  first,  let  us  see  who  are  to 
study  the  dead  languages — " 

"I  do — I  do — me  too — me  too,"  &c.,  &c. 

"Do  you,  then,  sit  there.  Well — now  let  me  have  your  names 
for  the  roll — A.  Berry — S.  Smith — C.  D.  &c.,  &c. — ten  names  8 — I 
will  attend  to  you  ten  directly,  so  soon  as  I  have  dismissed  the 
others.  I  regret,  my  young  friends,  that  you  are  disappointed — 
but  I  am  only  doing  my  duty ;  indeed,  if  I  wished  I  have  no  power 

6  The  first  ten  students  enrolled  in  the  Seminary  by  Hall  in  1824  were : 
Findlay  Dodds,  Aaron  Furgason,  Hamilton  Stockwell,  John  Todd, 
Michael  Hummer,  Samuel  C.  Dunn,  James  W.  Dunn,  James  A.  Maxwell, 
and  Joseph  A.  Wright.  "All  these  lived  to  manhood  and  rendered  effi- 
cient service  to  society  one  as  a  tanner,  one  as  a  merchant,  three  as  physi- 
cians, two  as  ministers  of  the  gospel,  and  three  as  lawyers."  D.  D.  Banta, 
Sketch  of  Indiana  Seminary,  in  T.  A.  Wylie's  Indiana  University,  p.  44. 
Joseph  A.  Wright  became  Governor  of  Indiana  (1849-1857)  and  later 
during  the  Civil  War,  was  U.  S.  Minister  to  Prussia. 


324  FOURTH  YEAR 

to  admit  you,  unless  to  the  course  of  studies — nay,  even  the  trus- 
tees have  power  to  do  only  what  they  have  done.  I  hope,  there- 
fore, you  will  now  go  home,  and  explain  the  matter  to  your 
friends " 

By  several — 

"Daddy  says  he  doesn't  see  no  sort  a  use  in  the  high  larn'd 
things — and  he  wants  me  to  larn  Inglish  only,  and  bookkeepin, 
and  surveyin,  so  as  to  tend  store  and  run  a  line." 

"I  allow,  Mister,  we've  near  on  about  as  good  a  right  to  be 
larn'd  what  we  wants,  as  them  tother  fellers  on  that  bench ; — it's 
a  free  school  for  all." 

'I  am  sorry,  boys,  for  this  misunderstanding;  but  we  cannot 
argue  the  subject  here.  And  yet  every  one  must  see  one  matter 
plainly ;  for  instance,  any  man  has  a  right  to  be  governor,  or  judge, 
or  congressman;  yet  none  of  you  can  be  elected  before  the  legal 
age,  and  before  having  some  other  qualifications.  It  is  so  here, 
you  all  have  a  right  to  what  we  have  to  bestow;  but  you  must 
be  qualified  to  enter;  and  must  be  content  to  receive  the  gift  of 
the  State  in  the  way  the  law  provides  and  orders.  You  will  please 
go  home  now." 

The  disappointed  youngsters  accordingly  withdrew;  and  with 
no  greater  rudeness  than  was  to  be  expected  from  undisciplined 
chaps,  full  of  false  notions  of  rights,  and  possessed  by  a  wild 
spirit  of  independence.  Hence,  Mr.  C.  heard  some  very  flattering 
sentiments  growled  at  him  by  the  retiring  young  democrats ;  but 
which,  when  they  had  fairly  reached  the  entry,  were  bawled  and 
shouted  out  frankly  and  fearlessly.  And  naturally  after  this  he 
was  honoured  with  some  high  sounding  epithets  by  certain  hypo- 
critical demagogues  in  rabblerousing  speeches — sneaking  gentle- 
men, who  aimed  to  get  office  and  power  by  endless  slanders  on  the 
college,  and  most  pitiful  and  malicious  slang  about  "liberty  and 
equality,  and  rights,  and  tyranny,  and  big-bugs,  and  poor  people, 
and  popular  education,"  et  id  omne  genus! 

Ay !  certain  small-potato-patriots  publicly  on  the  stump  avowed 
"it  was  a  right  smart  chance  better  to  have  no  collidge  no  how, 
if  all  folks  hadn't  equal  right  to  larn  what  they  most  liked  best." 
And  two  second-rate  pettifoggers  electioneered  on  this  principle; 
"that  it  was  most  consistent  with  the  republicanism  taught  by  the 


FOURTH  YEAR  325 

immortal  Jefferson,  and  with  the  genius  of  our  institutions,  to  use 
the  college  funds  to  establish  common  schools  for  rich  and  poor 
alike,  and  make  the  blessings  of  education  like  air,  sunshine,  and 
water !" 

Clarence,  therefore,  was  now  hated  and  villified,  as  the  sup- 
posed instrument  of  pride  and  aristocracy,  in  drawing  a  line 
between  rich  and  poor ; 7  and  for  a  while  his  person,  his  family, 
his  very  house  was  abominated.  On  one  occasion  he  was  in  Wood- 
ville  when  a  half  drunken  brute  thus  halloed  against  him — "thare 
goes  that  darn'd  high  larn'd  bug  what  gits  nine  hundred  and 
ninety-nine  dollars  and  ninety-nine  cents  8  of  the  people's  eddeka- 
shin  money  for  larnin  ristekrats  sons  high  flown  words — gimme 
that  'are  stone  and  I'll  do  for  him."  Whether  this  was  fun  or 
earnest,  Clarence  did  not  care  to  ascertain ;  for  hearing  the  sneers 
and  derision  of  the  bystanders,  and  fearing  it  might  become  earn- 
est, he  took  shelter  in  my  store. 

At  another  time  walking  with  Professor  Harwood  in  the  out- 
skirts of  the  village,  they  heard  a  cry  in  their  rear — "knock  'em 
down" — when  suddenly  turning,  there  stood  a  stout  chap  flourish- 
ing a  bludgeon  over  their  heads,  evidently,  indeed,  in  a  sort  of  fun, 
which,  was,  however,  an  index  of  the  popular  ill-will  and  spite. 

When  persons  rode  by  his  dwelling,  remarks  like  the  following 
would  be  shouted  forth : — 

"Well — thar's  whar  the  grammur  man  lives  that  larns  'em 
Latin  and  grand-like  things — allow  we'll  oust  him  yet — he  doesn't 
own  little  college  any  how ;  he's  poor  as  Job's  turkey,  if  it  want 
for  that  powerful  sallury  the  trustees  give  him." 

Clarence's  salary  was  four  hundred  dollars  per  annum ! 

"Well,"  bawled  out  one  fellow — "dog  my  hide  if  that  ain't  the 
furst  time  I  ever  seed  that  big  man's  door  open ! — hem ! — power- 
ful fine  carpet ! — (a  beautiful  rag  carpet  made  by  Mrs.  C.) — allow, 
people's  eddekashin  money  bought  that!" 

Even  Mr.  C.'s  gratuitous  preaching  could  not  secure  him  from 

7  Of  the  ten  boys  who  entered  the  college,  seven  or  eight  were  poor 
— many   that   would   not   enter   were   rich. 

8  Hall  at  first  received  a  salary  of  $250  a  year.     In  1827  this  was  in- 
creased to  $400  which,   if    fees   from   an   increase   of   students   made   it 
possible,  might  rise  to  as  much  as  $600  in  the  year. 


326     t  FOURTH  YEAR 

ill-natured  remarks.  "Well,"  said  an  occasional  hearer  to  another 
once — "how  do  y'like  that  sort  a  preachin  ?"  "Foo !"  was  the  reply, 
"I  don't  want  no  more  sich!  I  like  a  man  that  kin  jist  read,  and 
then  I  know  it  comes  from  the  sperit !  he  tuk  out  his  goold  watch 
twice  to  show  it,  and  was  so  d — mnation  proud  he  wouldn't  kneel 
down  to  pray !" 

But  the  reader  may  wish  to  know  how  Mr.  Clarence  got  along 
with  "the  Few."  Well,  as  the  warm  weather  approached,  the 
"boys  and  young  gentlemen"  came  to  recitation  without  coats ;  and, 
as  the  thermometer  arose,  they  came  without  shoes 

"What!  in  the  State  college?  Could  your  Mr.  Clarence  not 
have  things  ordered  with  more  decency?" 

Softly,  Mr.  Dignity — in  a  world  where  our  presiding  judge,  a 
man  of  worth  and  great  abilities,  presided  in  court  without  his 
coat  and  cravat,  and  with  his  feet  modestly  reposed  on  the  upper 
rostrum,  thus  showing  his  boot-soles  to  by-standers  and  lawyers ; 
where  lawyers  were  stripped  and  in  shirt-sleeves ;  and  where  even 
Governor  Sunbeam,  in  a  stump  speech,  gave  blast  to  his  nose 
pinched  between  a  thumb  and  finger,  and  wiped  said  pinchers 
afterwards  on  the  hinder  regions  of  his  inexpressibles;  do  you, 
sir,  think  our  Mr.  C.,  or  all  eastern  dignitaries  combined,  could 
have  compelled  young  bushwhackers  to  wear  coats  and  shoes  in 
recitation  rooms  ?  He  indeed  ventured  once  as  follows : — 

"Young  gentlemen" — (hem!) — "why  do  you  attend  recita- 
tions without  coats  and  shoes  ?" 

"  Tis  cooler,  sir !" — with  surprise. 

"Ay!  so  it  is — perhaps  it  would  be  still  cooler  if  you  came 
without  your  pantaloons." 

Haw !  haw ! — by  the  whole  ten. 

"And  did  they,  Mr.  Carlton,  come  without  their  indispensa- 
bles?" 

Oh !  dear  me !  no ;  on  the  contrary,  the  young  gentlemen  were 
so  tickled  at  our  professor's  pleasant  hint  direct,  that  next  day 
they  not  only  come  in  their  breeches,  but  also  with  shoes  and  coats 
on !  But  still,  many  proper  regulations  of  our  friend  were  distaste- 
ful to  scholars  and  parents  equally — for  instance,  the  requirement 
of  a  written  excuse  for  certain  absences.  One  parent,  an  upper 
class  Thompsonian  doctor,  did,  indeed,  once  send  a  note — but 


FOURTH  YEAR  327 

that  was  an  insolent 9  and  peremptory  order  to  Clarence  to  believe 
in  future  his  son,  without  a  written  excuse !  And  another  person, 
captain  in  the  late  war,  not  only  refused  to  write  a  note,  but  he 
sent  a  verbal  message  by  his  son  to  the  master,  viz. — "Charley 
Clarence,  you  needn't  think  of  introducing  your  d — n  Yankee 
tricks  out  here !" 

Yes !  yes ! — raise  your  hands,  and  elevate  your  eyebrows,  good 
folks.  Mr.  C.  did  all  that  sort  of  thing  too,  at  first;  but  he 
lived  long  enough  with  us  to  get  used  to  matters !  The  only  evil 
was,  that,  like  the  Irish  Greek's  famous  horse  that  unluckily 
died,  just  when  he  had  learned  to  live  without  eating,10  our  pro- 
fessor, when  he  had  outlived  his  prejudices,  and  abandoned  his 
Yankee  ways,  fell  a  victim  to  veteran  cunning  and  artifice ;  and 
was  forced,  like  Aristides,  to  obey  the  Ostracism ! 


CHAPTER  XLIII. 

"This  is  some  fellow 

Who,   having   been   praised    for   his   bluntness,    doth   affect 
A   saucy  roughness." 

*  *  *  * 

"What  would  you  have,  you  curs?" 

THE  nature  of  our  favourite  doctrine — the  sovereignty  of  the 
people — is  but  imperfectly  understood  from  theory;  and,  truly, 
what  importance  to  the  vast  majority  to  be  called  kings,  unless 
opportunities  are  afforded  to  exercise  the  royal  prerogatives? 

True,  in  the  constitutions  of  the  twenty-six  States,  are  paper 
models  of  republican  governments,  the  purest  in  nature;  such  as 
the  monarchical-republic,  the  oligarchic,  the  aristocratic,  the  fed- 
eral, the  democratic,  ay,  the  cheatitive  or  repudiative,  the  despotic, 
the  mobocratic,  the  anarchic,  cum  multis  aliis:  but  what  of  all 
this,  if  the  citizen  kings  cannot  be  indulged  in  a  little  visible, 
tangible,  audible,  law-making,  law-judging  and  law-executing? 

Now,  in  the  New  Purchase,  the  people  universal,  the  people 

9  How  should  a  steam-doctor  know  better  ?  out  there. 

10  That  curious  art  has  been  revived  lately  in  Great  Britain,  and  is 
practiced  extensively  and  with  great  success  among  the  poor. 


328  FOURTH  YEAR 

general,  the  people  special,  of  every  county,  town  and  village,  of 
every  sect,  religious  and  irreligious,  of  every  party,  political,  im- 
political,  and  non-political,  were  indulged  in  bona  fide  acts  of  real 
rity-dity  sovereignty.  And  each  and  every  part,  party,  and  parcel, 
lorded  it  over  the  whole  and  over  one  another;  and  the  whole 
over  the  parts  and  over  itself — ay,  and  every  one  that  did  it 
against  the  wall,  ruled  State  and  the  nation,  and  his  neighbour, 
and  then  turned  round  and  ruled  himself,  not  in  the  fear  of 
heaven,  but  in  the  fear  of  the  people !  The  fact  is,  we  did  noth- 
ing else  than  rule  one  another;  and  none  ever  even  obeyed 
for  fear  of  disobeying;  and  hence  our  public  servants 
(and  we  kept  them  sweating)  being  distracted  by  opposite 
instructions  from  different  constituents — (for  candidates  with 
us  only  carried  up  votes,  wishes,  &c.) — from  Thomas  and  Richard 
and  Henry  and  Squire  Rag  and  Major  Tagg  and  Mister  Bobtail, 
and  being  imperiously  ordered  to  rob  Peter  to  pay  Paul,  our  pub- 
lic servants,  poor  knaves  and  honest  rascals,  would  not  obey, 
simply  out  of  reverence  and  for  fear  of  offending  and  hurting 
our  feelings ! 

Here  follows  a  specimen  of  the  people  ruling  the  college  and 
the  college  ruling  the  people. 

We,  the  people  of  the  Trustees,  for  the  good  of  the  people 
general,  did  resolve  this  autumn  to  elect  a  Professor  of  Mathe- 
matics and  advertised  accordingly.  This  of  itself  enraged  the 
people  who  set  no  value  on  learning,  and  deemed  one  small 
salary  a  waste  of  the  poor  people's  education  money;  but  when 
rumour  declared  we  intended  to  elect  a  man  nominally  a  Rat,1 
(Mr.  Clarence  being  also  a  Rat,)  the  wrath  was  roused  of  the 
people,  religious,  and  irreligious,  of  all  other  sects.  This,  in- 
deed, was  confined  to  Woodville;  for  from  the  very  first,  we, 
the  people  of  Woodville  and  thereabouts,  did  kindly  adopt  the 
State  College  as  ours;  and  we,  therefore,  claimed  the  sole  right 
of  superintending  the  Legislature,  the  Board  of  Visitors,  the 
Board  of  Trustees,  the  Faculty,  proper  and  improper,  the  Stu- 
dents, foreign  and  domestic,  the  Funds,  the  Buildings — the  every- 
thing ;  and  for  some  time  we  ordered  and  regulated,  and  turned  in 
and  out  most  despotically. 

1  Nickname  for  a  religious  sect  in  the  Purchase. 


FOURTH  YEAR  329 

Well,  the  people  having  united  the  peoples  in  a  fixed  purpose, 
viz. — to  keep  out  a  Rat,  but  not  having  united  them  in  any 
purpose  of  putting  in  anybody  else,  the  people,  now  sovereign  and 
of  many  kings,  held  a  meeting  up  town  in  the  court-house  yard; 
while  we,  the  trustee-people  and  sovereigns  of  another  sort,  were 
holding  our  meeting  to  elect  a  professor  in  the  prayer-hall  of  Big 
College;  and  then  the  People's-people,  formed  under  the  com- 
mand of  Brigadier  Major  General  Jacobus,  Esq.,  Clerk  of  Court, 
Chief  Librarian  of  Woodville  Library,  and  Deputy  Post  Master 
under  his  late  Majesty,  General  Andrew  Jackson,  marched  down 
in  a  formidable  battalion  to  give  us  our  orders. 

This  grand  dignitary  of  so  many  tails  we  have  just  named,  was 
most  fit  head  to  the  fit  body  he  conducted.  He  was  no  inconsid- 
erable a  people  himself,  being  very  fat  and  very  saucy;  nay,  as 
in  warm  weather  he  always  appeared  without  coat,  vest,  cravat, 
and  usually  with  slouched  hat,  shoes  down  at  heel  on  stockingless 
feet,  and  one  "gallus"  hard  strained  to  keep  up  his  greasy  and 
raggy  breeches;  and  as  in  this  costume  he  strutted  everywhere 
full  of  swagger  and  brag,  he  was  then  the  best  living  and  embod- 
ied personification  of  a  mistaken,  conceited,  meddlesome,  prag- 
matical people  anywhere  to  be  found.  He  flourished  in  that 
grand  era,  rotation  in  office :  but  by  him  it  was  interpreted  a  rota- 
tion out  of  one  public  office  into  another — yea !  even  now  he  actu- 
ally sustained  at  once  seven  salaried  offices  little  and  big — yea! 
moreover  to  these  seven  tails  he  added  and  very  commonly  ex- 
hibited another — the  tail  of  his  shirt!  Now,  one  may  conceive 
how  our  great  father  of  one  or  more  terms  looks ;  one  can  even 
imagine  how  Uncle  Sam  looks;  but  who  forms  approximating 
conceptions  of  that  proteus  sovereign — the  People!  Believe  me, 
his  rowdy  majesty,  General  Jacobus,  is  as  near  a  likeness,  in 
many  essential  respects,  as  can  be  obtained — but  this  is  digression.1 

2  Gen.  Jacob  Lowe  was  the  man  whose  portrait  is  thus  held  up  to 
posterity, — quite  true  to  life,  in  the  main.  Judge  D.  D.  Banta  was  a 
youth  in  college  when  the  second  edition  of  the  "New  Purchase"  appeared 
(1855).  He  tells  of  hearing  from  Lowe's  own  lips  how  Lowe  felt  when 
he  first  read  the  book.  It  seems  that  Gabriel  M.  Overstreet,  of  Johnson 
County  (the  county  from  which  Judge  Banta  came)  was  a  student  in 
Bloomington  in  1843  when  the  first  edition  of  the  "New  Purchase"  was 
issued.  Overstreet  says  that  the  first  knowledge  the  students  had  of  the 


330  FOURTH  YEAR 

Our  honourable  Trustees  were,  as  usual,  sitting  with  open 
doors,  and  hence  were,  as  heretofore,  accommodated  with  num- 
erous lobby  members ;  and  these  kept  muttering  discontent  at  our 
doings,  and  often  volunteered  remarks  in  a  play-house  whisper  for 
our  correction  and  guidance.  Dr.  Sylvan,  however,  who  antici- 
pated a  storm,  had  contrived  to  put  the  vote  for  Mr.  Harwood's 
election,3  a  little  prior  to  the  first  faint  noise  of  the  coming 


book  came  from  the  interest  shown  by  the  professors  in  the  single  copy 
at  their  disposal.  So  interested  was  the  professor  who  had  it  for  reading 
within  a  given  time  that  he  kept  it  in  his  desk  and  read  between  recita- 
tions, and  when  classes  entered  the  recitation  room  the  professor  would  be 
found  reading  the  book.  The  new  book  was  in  great  demand,  but  for 
some  reason  it  was  not  on  sale.  In  some  manner  the  students  managed 
to  get  a  copy,  which,  so  far  as  Mr.  Overstreet  knew,  was  the  second  copy 
on  the  ground.  The  excitement  ran  high  and  so  anxious  were  the  boys 
to  know  the  book's  contents  that  they  could  not  await  reading  by  turns 
but  they  met  in  companies  and  one  of  the  number  would  read  aloud.  To 
some  extent  the  citizens  of  the  town  did  likewise;  Gen.  Jacob  Lowe  ("Gen. 
Jacobus")  was  the  chosen  reader  for  a  group  of  citizens.  He  had  a  fine 
sonorous  voice  and  could  make  himself  heard,  and  being  thoroughly  ac- 
quainted with  the  times  and  many  of  the  scenes  described  was  able  to  in- 
dicate the  personages  meant  as  he  went  along.  It  was  twelve  years  later 
when  Judge  Banta  heard  Lowe  describe  his  feelings  when  he  first  read 
this  pen  picture  of  himself.  "I  was  never  so  mad  in  my  life,"  said  Lowe, 
"I  was  too  mad  to  talk,  and  so  I  went  home  thinking  all  the  way  how  I 
could  have  my  revenge.  But  before  I  went  back  to  town  the  next  morn- 
ing I  saw  the  ridiculous  absurdity  of  the  whole  thing  and  that  if  I  let  any 
one  know  I  was  mad  the  whole  town  would  laugh  at  me  and  that  I  would 
never  hear  the  last  of  it,  and  so  I  made  light  of  it  from  that  morning  on, 
and  it  was  the  other  fellows  who  got  laughed  at." — Judge  D.  D.  Banta's 
manuscript  Lecture  on  the  New  Purchase.  How  Lowe  felt  about  it  must 
have  come  to  Hall,  for  he  afterwards  wrote,  "I  am  happy  the  Bloomington 
General  has  been  taken  in  and  done  for  so  well;  and  by  this  you  may  see 
how  true  to  nature  are  the  pictures  and  delineations  of  the  New 
Purchase."  The  editor's  recollection  of  Lowe  in  his  old  age  distinctly  veri- 
fies Hall's  racy  description  of  Lowe's  dress  and  personal  appearance. 

3  John  Hopkins  Harney,  whose  election  to  the  chair  of  Mathematics  in 
Indiana  College  is  referred  to  here,  was  born  in  Bourbon*  County,  Ky., 
Feb.  20,  1806.  He  graduated  at  Miami  University  in  1827.  Soon  after  his 
graduation  he  walked  from  Oxford,  Ohio,  to  Bloomington  and  applied  for 
the  position  of  teacher  of  Mathematics  in  the  State  Seminary.  He  was 
elected  by  the  Trustees  on  May  15,  1827,  and  this  election  was  confirmed 
by  the  Board  of  Visitors,  of  which  Gov.  James  B.  Ray  was  a  member, 
on  Nov.  2,  1827.  Harney  was  a  friend  of  Hall's  and  after  the  college 


FOURTH  YEAR  331 

cataract  of  turbid  waters,  and  had  succeeded  in  securing  this 
gentleman's  unanimous  choice — when  a  considerable  hurrahing 
outside  announced  the  People's-people — and  in  a  moment  after, 
in  swaggered  his  greasy  royalty,  General  Jacobus,  followed  by  as 
much  of  the  ultimate  sovereignty  as  could  squeeze  into  the  room. 
And  then  King  Slouch  commenced  as  follows: — 

"Mr.  President  and  gentlemen  of  the  Board ! — hem ! — I  have 
the  honour  to  be  the  orgun  of  the  people — hem! — and  by  their 
orders  I've  come  in  here,  to  forbid  the  election  of  Mr.  Har- 
wood  of  Kaintuckey,  as  our  Professor  of  Mathematucs — hem! — 
in  the  people's  collidge — he-e-m ! !  You'r  all  servunts  of  the  people" 
and  hain't  the  right  no  how  to  give  away  their  edicashion  money 
without  thar  consent — I  say — hem! — as  all  is  not  admitted  to 
these  here  halls  of  science — he-e-m ! !  And  the  people  in  the 
inbred,  incohesive  use  of  thar  indefeesibul  native  rights,  order 
me  thar  orgun  to  say  they  don't  want  two  teachers  of  the  same 
religion  no  how — and  I  say  it — and  I  say,  Mr.  President,  they 
say  its  better  to  have  them  of  different  creeds,  and  I  say  that 
too — for  they  say  they'll  watch  one  another  and  not  turn  the 
students  to  thar  religion  and — hem!  Yes,  the  people  in  their 
plentitude  have  met,  and  they  say  they  don't  want  no  church  and 
state — and  I  say  it;  for  thar's  a  powerful  heap  of  danger  to  let 
one  sect  have  all  the  power — and  I  call  on  this  board  to  let  their 
historic  recollections  be — be — recollected — and  wasn't  thar  John 
Calvin,  the  moment  he  got  the  power,  didn't  he  burn  poor  Mikul 
Servetis  at  the  stake — and — and — so  ain't  it  plain  if  two  men  here 
git  all  the  power  thar's  a  beginning  of  church  and  state,  as  that 
immortal  Jefferson  says  ?  And  who  knows  if  you  and  me  and  the 
people  here  mayn't  be  tortered  and  burn'd  yet  in  a  conflagration 
of  f agguts  and  fire  ?  Who  then  with  this  probability " 

Here  Dr.  Sylvan,  our  worthy  President,  interrupted  the  speaker, 
the  doctor  being  now  only  recovered  from  his  surprise ;  for, 
veteran  as  he  was  in  politics,  and  often  as  he  had  known  the 
people  essay  small  overt  acts  of  sovereignty,  this  affair  was  so 


quarrel  in  1831,  he  resigned  his  place  in  Indiana  College  and  became 
Professor  of  Mathematics  and  Astronomy  in  Hanover  College.  From  1837 
to  1844  he  was  Editor  of  the  Louisville  Democrat,  a  newspaper  of  wide 
influence  in  the  West.  He  died  in  Louisville,  Jan.  26,  1868. 


332  FOURTH  YEAR 

novel  and  so  grandly  impudent,  that  it  took  him  the  first  half  of 
the  harangue  to  collect  himself,  and  the  other  to  concoct  the  fol- 
lowing judicious  compound  of  decision,  sarcasm  and  blarney: — 

"It  is  with  regret,  General  Jacobus  and  my  respected  fellow 
citizens,  I  interrupt  the  eloquent  utterance  of  sentiments  so  pa- 
triotic and  so  well  adapted  to  excite  our  disgust  and  horror  at  a 
union  of  Church  and  State;  but  in  the  present  case,  I  do  really 
believe  the  danger  is  not  to  be  apprehended.  In  the  first  place, 
we  all  know  the  liberal  sentiments  of  Professor  Clarence  towards 
all  religious  bodies;  and  in  the  second  place,  the  gentleman  just 
elected  by  us  before  the  entrance  of  your  honourable  body  and 
organ,  is  not  known  to  be  a  member  of  any  communion;  and 
lastly,  we  Trustees  are  of  six  different  denominations  ourselves, 
and  therefore,  as  we  put  in  we  can  also  put  out,  the  instant  danger 
is  found  to  threaten  the  State  from  our  present  course.  And, 
fellow-citizens,  we  shall,  I  am  confident,  be  quite  Argus-eyed  over 
our  faculty — but  at  all  events  we  have  gone  too  far  to  retrace  our 
steps;  for  Mr.  Harwood  is  legally  appointed,  and  for  what  we 
deemed  good  reasons.  And  surely  no  American  citizen  in  this 
glorious  land  of  equal  rights  and  blood-bought  liberties,  where 
the  meanest  felon  has  a  trial  by  jury,  will  contend  that  an  hon- 
ourable unoffending  man  of  another  state — the  noble  old  Ken- 
tucky— should  be  turned  out  of  office — and  no  accusation  against 
his  competency  and  moral  character?  Backwoodsmen  don't  ask 
that! — and  they  don't  think  of  it.  Had  this  honourable  representa- 
tion come  fifteen  minutes  sooner,  something  might  have  been  done 
or  prevented ; — for  we  are  indeed  servants  of  the  people — but  Mr. 
Harwood  ought  now  to  have  time  to  show  himself,  and  cannot 
be  degraded  without  an  impeachment.  And  who  is  ready  to  im- 
peach a  Kentuckian  because  John  Calvin  or  John  Anybody  else 
burnt  Servetus  a  hundred  years  ago? — and  that,  when  it  is  not 
even  known  whether  Mr.  Harwood  himself  might  not  have  been 
roasted  in  the  days  of  persecution  for  some  heresy  mathematical 
or  religious!  Fellow  citizens,  our  meeting  is  adjourned." 

Our  venerable  Congress  at  Washington  sometimes  gets  into  a 
row,  and  even  breaks  up  in  a  riot.  And  why  should  it  not  be  so, 
when  many  conscript  fathers  have  practised  bullyism  from  early 
life,  and  have  only  gone  to  the  great  conservative  assembly  to  do, 


FOURTH  YEAR  333 

on  a  large  scale,  dirty  things  often  done  before  on  a  small  one? 
Or  why,  on  the  other  hand,  if  the  reverend  young  fathers  there 
set  us,  the  people,  the  example,  should  any  person  affect  to 
wonder  that  we  sometimes  imitate  our  law  givers?  Whether  we, 
the  New  Purchase  people,  set  or  followed  the  example,  need  not 
be  determined;  but  we  certainly  adjourned  to-day  in  a  grand  kick- 
up;  which,  if  described,  must  be  in  the  pell-mell  style  of  history. 

At  the  word  "adjourned,"  ending  Doctor  Sylvan's  speech,  came 
a  violent  and  simultaneous  rush ;  some  pushing  towards  the  door, 
to  get  out — some  from  without  into  the  door,  to  get  in — and  some 
towards  the  clerk's  seat,  to  seize  and  destroy  the  record ;  but 
that  wary  officer,  at  the  same  word  just  named,  had  quietly  slipped 
the  sacred  record  into  his  breeches'  pocket,  the  minutes  being  only 
recorded  with  a  lead  pencil  on  a  quarter  sheet  of  cap  paper.  Then 
commenced  a  hell-a-below,  loud  enough  at  first,  but  which,  like  a 
Latin  Inceptive,  still  went  on  and  tended  to  perfection ;  being  an 
explosion  commingled  of  growl,  curse,  hurrah,  hiss,  stamp,  and 
clap;  and  then  and  there  and  all  through  the  "mass  meeting," 
were  Brigadier  Major  General  Jacobus,  and  our  people  and  the 
people's  people  and  other  people,  all  huddled  and  crowded  and 
mixed,  and  all  and  every  one  and  each  were  and  was  explaining, 
demanding,  denying,  do-telling,  and  wanting  to  know,  some  what 
thus: 

"Hurrah  for  Harwood ! — damn  him  and  Clarinse  too — ain't 
the  money  our'n,  that's  what  I  want  to  know  ? — I  say  Doctor,  re- 
member next  'lection ! — that's  the  pint — you  lie,  by  the  lord  Harry ! 
— let  me  out,  blast  your  eyes! — it  ain't — it  tis — let  us  in,  won't 
you  ? — do  tell — General  Jacobus  ought  to  have  his  nose  pulled — he 
didn't  burn  him — don't  tell  me — pull  it  if  you  dare — he  burnt 
hisself — go  to  the  devil — no  patchin'  to  him — powerful  quick  on 
the  trigger — Calvin — get  up  petition  to  legislature — rats — didn't 
I  say  we  ought  to  get  down  sooner? — faggots — Harwood  ain't — 
gunpowder — darn'd  clever  fellow — Servetus — hurrah  for  hie  haec 
hoc! — let's  out — give  'em  more  money — let's  in — is  the  board  to 
be  forced? — get  out  o'  my  way — fair  trial —  don't  blast — answer 
that — I  know  better — 'tain't — 'tis — hold  your  jaw — whoo! — shoo! 
— hiss — hinyow — bowwow — rumble — grumble — Sylvan — Clarinse 
Jacobus — Harwood  Servetus" — &c.  &c.,  and  away  rolled  majesty, 


334  FOURTH  YEAR 

till  the  noise  in  the  distance  was  like  the  grum  mutter  of  retiring 
thunder ! 

How  awfully  grand  and  solemn  a  little  people  in  the  swell  of 
arrogated  supremacy!  But  we  saw  King  Mob  to  greater  ad- 
vantage next  year;  which  sight  shall  be  duly  set  before  our  read- 
ers. Meanwhile  we  shall  take  a  pleasant  rural  excursion  in  the 
the  following  chapter,  by  way  of  recreating  after  our  toils  in 
behalf  of  learning. 


CHAPTER  XLIV. 

"We  still  have  slept  together, 
Rose  at  an   instant,  learn'd,   play'd,   eat   together." 
****** 

" Are   not  these   woods 

More   free   from   peril   than   the   envious   court?" 

READER  ! 

"Well,  what  now?" 

Will  you  go  with  us  ?  Come,  surely  Tippecanoe  will  arouse  you ; 
and  although  we  have  miles  of  dark,  tangled,  and,  in  places,  almost 
untrodden  forests  to  pass ;  although  we  shall  ford  and  swim  creeks, 
swollen  from  recent  rains,  and  where  a  blundering  horse  would 
plunge  the  rider  into  rapid  and  whirling  waters;  and  although 
some  inconveniences  and  customs  will  be  found  inconsistent  with 
steamboats  and  rail  road  journeys,  yet  who  will  not  risk  all  to 
stand  on  the  battle  field  of  the  brave,  amid  the  sadness  of  its 
solitary  and  far-distant  prairie! 

"Very  eloquent! — but,  Mr.  Carlton,  only  think  of  the  mud." 

Yes,  dear  reader,  but  the  girls  are  to  go  along. 

"Girls!" 

Yes,  and  very  pretty  and  intelligent  ones  too — real  lady 
Hoosiers. 

"Are  you  in  earnest  ?   Who  are  they  ?" 

The  young  ladies  of  Miss  Emily  Glenville's  Woodville  Female 
Institute. 

"Oh! — ay! — I  had  forgot  your  school — what  then?" 


FOURTH  YEAR  335 

Why,  it  is  our  vacation,  and  myself  with  one  or  two  other 
gentlemen  are  going  to  escort  the  giils  home.  Seven  of  the  pupils 
belong  to  wealthy  and  respectable  families  in  the  north,  and  one 
or  two  live  very  near  to  Tippecanoe. 

"Heigho ; — out  of  compliment  to  the  ladies  we  go ;  but  how  long 
will  you  be  yet?" 

Oh,  we  shall  get  through  after  a  while.  "No  lane,"  you  know, 
&c.  Of  course  then  you  consent. 

Well,  our  party  consisted  of  eleven  persons — the  seven  girls, 
the  father  and  brother  of  one  girl,  and  myself  and  young  Mr. 
Frank,  of  Woodville,  who,  like  myself,  wished  to  see  the  world. 
To  carry  us  were  precisely  ten  horses  and  a  half,  the  fractional 
creature  being  a  dwarf  pony,  an  article  or  noun,  which  young 

B k,  the  brother  rode,  like  a  velocipede,  and  which,  by  pressing 

the  toes  of  boots  against  hard  and  hilly  places  in  the  path,  could 
be  aided  by  pushing.  And  thus,  also,  the  rider  could  a  sorter 
stand  and  go,  like  wheels  in  motion,  at  once;  and  all  that  would 
greatly  relieve  the  tedium  of  monotonous  riding.  The  special  use 
of  the  pony  was  manifested  in  fording  mudholes,  quicksands, 
quagmires,  marshes,  high  waters,  and  the  like.  In  vain  did  the 
rider  pull  up  his  limbs  ; *  in  vain  shrink  away  up  towards  the  centre 
of  his  saddle — up  followed  the  cream-coloured  mud  in  beech 
swamps,  the  black  mud  and  water  in  bayous,  the  black  mud  itself 
in  walnut  and  sugar  lands,  or  the  muddy  water  in  turbid  creeks 
and  rivers,  and  the  rider  became  deeply  interested  in  the  circu- 
lating medium. 

But  what  a  contrast  to  a  stage  coach,  to  say  nothing  of  a  car; 
ten  horses  and  upwards  to  carry  eleven  people;  And  how  I  do 
wish  you  could  have  seen  us  set  out !  Dear  oh,  dear !  the  scamp- 
ering, and  tearing,  and  winnowing,  and  kicking  up,  and  cocking 
of  ears,  as  the  quadrupeds  were  "being"  rid  up  to  the  rack !  and 
then  the  clapping  on  of  horse-blankets  and  saddles,  male  and 
female,  croopers  and  circingles  and  bridles,  double  and  single! 
What  a  drawing  of  girths !  What  a  fixing  and  unfixing  and  re- 
fixing  of  saddle-bags!  What  a  hanging  of  "fixins"  themselves, 
done  up  in  red  handkerchiefs  on  the  horns  of  the  gentler  sex  sad- 
dles! And  then  the  girls — like  the  barbarians  in  Caesar's  Com- 

1  Lower  limbs  here,  in  contradistinction  to  upper  ones. 


336  FOURTH  YEAR 

mentaries  in  one  battle,  they  seemed  to  be  every  where  at  once — 
up  stairs,  down  stairs,  on  the  stairs,  in  the  closet  under  the 
stairs !  They  were  in  the  house,  out  of  the  house,  in  the  yard,  at 
the  door,  by  the  horses!  And  ah,  how  they  did  ask  questions 
and  get  answers.  "Where's  my  shawl?"  "Is  this  it?"  "Did 
nobody  see  my  basket?"  "I  didn't."  "Who's  got  my  album?" 
"Mr.  Frank."  "Will  some  body  fasten  my  fixens?"  "He  ain't 
here."  "Won't  nobody  carry  this?"  and  so  on  through  all  the 
bodies. 

The  animals  were  now  all  harnessed,  and  stood  comparatively 
quiet,  except  an  occasional  impatient  stamp,  or  an  active  and 
venomous  switch  of  a  tail:  the  bustle,  too,  had  subsided,  and  all 
had  come  to  that  silent  state  when  no  more  questions  can  be 
asked,  but  all  are  waiting  for  some  one  to  begin  the — farewell. 
And  then  came  that  sad  word,  amid  gushing  tears — mid  sobs  and 
kisses — for  with  some  "the  schooling"  was  finished,  and  "who 
could  tell  whether  ever  more  should  meet"  those  sprightly,  happy, 
sweet  companions ! 

But  soon  followed  the  uproar  of  mounting;  and  with  that 
seem-ed  to  pass  all  sorrow ;  and  yet  so  painful  had  been  the 
last  few  moments,  that  an  excuse  was  needed  for  saying  and  doing 
something  lively.  Of  course  we  all  said  a  great  many  smart 
things,  or  what  passed  for  such,  in  the  way  of  compliment,  rail- 
lery and  repartee ;  and  we  guessed  and  reckoned  and  allowed  and 
foretold  the  most  contrary  matters  about  the  weather,  and  the 
roads,  and  the  waters,  and  even  about  our  fates  through  the  whole 
of  our  coming  lives.  In  the  meanwhile  horse  after  horse  was 
paraded  towards  the  block,  each  receiving  extra  jerks,  and  some 
handsome  slaps  and  kicks  on  the  off  flank,  to  make  him  wheel 
into  position,  when  next  moment  away  he  scampered  with  a  side- 
way  rider,  in  trot,  shuffle,  pace,  or  canter,  according  to  his  fancy, 

till  all  the  lady  riders  were  on  the  saddles,  and  then  Mr.  B k, 

sen.,  and  myself  riding  in  advance,  he  shouted,  "Come  on,  girls — 
we're  off." 

And  off  it  was — amidst  the  giggling  of  girls,  and  the  laughter 
of  neighbours,  nodding  good  byes  with  their  heads,  or  shaking 
them  out  of  handkerchiefs,  from  doors  and  windows ;  and  also  the 
boisterous  farewells  of  some  two  dozen  folks  that  had  helped  us 


FOURTH  YEAR  337 

fix.  Off  it  was,  some  at  a  hard  trot,  some  at  a  round  gallop,  and 
others  at  a  soft  pace  or  shuffle,  the  animals  snorting,  squeeling, 
and  winnowing — sometimes  six  abreast,  sometimes  two,  sometimes 
all  huddled  like  a  militia  cavalry  training;  and  then  all  in  Indian 
file,  one  by  one,  with  yards  of  space  between  us!  Oh!  the 
squeezing  of  lower  limbs  against  horse  rumps! — the  kicking  and 
splattering  of  mud! — the  streaming  forth  of  ill-secured  kerchiefs 
and  capes!  Oh!  the  screeching!  shouting!  laughing!  shaking! 
What  flapping  of  saddleskirts !  What  walloping  of  saddle-bags ! 
Away  with  stages! — steamers! — cars!  Give  me  a  horse  and  the 
life,  activity  and  health  of  Hoosiers  and  Hoosierinas  let  loose 
all  at  once  in  the  whirligig  storm  and  fury  of  that  morning's 
starting ! 

We  soon  degenerated  into  slow  trot,  and  finally  into  a  fast 
walk,  with  episodial  riding  to  scare  a  flock  of  wild  turkies,  or 
add  wings  to  the  flight  of  a  deer;  till  we  all  became  at  last  so 
shaken  down  and  settled  in  our  saddles  as  to  seem  each  a  com- 
pound of  man  (  8@*" homo}  and  horse.  Yet  for  hours  we  kept  up 
talk  of  all  kinds.  Yea!  we  halloed — we  quizzed — we  laughed! 
Ay !  we  talked  seriously  too — for  no  one  rides  through  our  grand 
woods  any  more  than  he  sails  forth  on  the  grand  waters,  and 
feels  not  solemn !  And  we  even  talked  religiously — more  so  than 
most  readers  would  care  to  hear!  Lively,  indeed,  we  were — but 
God  even  then  was  in  our  thoughts ;  and  some  of  that  happy  com- 
pany were  then,  and  are  yet,  ornaments  of  the  Christian  world — 
some  are  in  heaven !  Yes,  then  as  now,  we  often  passed,  as  is  the 
case  with  the  joyous,  the  frank-hearted,  the  middle  class,2  and,  in 
an  instant,  from  laughter  to  tears. 

No  halt  was  made  for  dinner:  it  was  handed  round  on  horse- 
back. A  piece,  or  half  a  piece  of  ham,  boxed  neatly  between  two 
boards  of  corn-bread,  and  held  delicately — as  possible — between 
the  finger  and  thumb  of  an  attendant,  was  thus  presented  for 
acceptance.  Yet  not  always  was  it  easy  to  take  the  proffered 
dainties;  since  often  the  horse,  out  of  sheer  affectation,  or  be- 
cause of  a  sly  kick  or  switch  from  an  unseen  quarter,  would,  at 

2  To  that  we  belong,  and  hope  we  always  shall : — "Give  me  neither 
poverty  nor  riches." 


338  FOURTH  YEAR 

the  instant  of  captation,  jump  aside,  or  leap  forward,  and  verify 
the  proverb — "many  a  slip  between  the  cup  and  lip." 

Towards  evening  it  was  heard  that  Slippery  River  was  falling, 
but  could  not  be  forded ;  and  hence  it  was  determined  to  stay  all 
night  in  a  cabin  several  miles  this  side,  in  expectation  of  our  being 
able  to  ford  in  the  morning.  We  were,  of  course,  received  by 
our  friends  with  open  hearts,  and  entertained  in  the  most  ap- 
proved backwoods'  style, — the  only  awkwardness  being  that  beds 
could  be  furnished  but  for  four  of  our  party.  As  some,  therefore, 
must  sleep  on  the  floor,  it  was  unanimously  voted  that  all  should 
share  alike  in  the  hardship  and  frolic  of  a  puncheon's  night's  rest ; 
and  hence,  in  due  season,  all  hands  were  piped  to  convert  our  sup- 
per-room into  a  grand  bed-chamber.  And  first,  the  floor  was 
swept;  secondly,  our  blankets  were  spread  on  it;  thirdly,  over 
these  horse-cloths  was  put  a  good  rag  carpet;  and,  lastly,  in  a 
line  were  ranged  saddle-bags  and  valises,  interspersed  with  other 
bolsters  and  pillows  stuffed  with  feathers  and  rags;  and  then, 
the  fire  being  secured,  we  all  began  to  undress 

"Oh !  goodness !  Mr.  Carlton ! — girls !  and  all  ?" 

Girls  and  all,  my  dear. 

"I  vow  then,  I  will  never  marry  and  go  to  a  New  Purchase? 
But  did  the  ladies  really  divest — hem ! — before — the — the " 

To  be  sure. 

"What !  take  off  all  the  usual " 

Oh!  that  I  cannot  say.  Western  gentlemen  never  peep.  Be- 
sides the  gentlemen  took  off  only  coats  and  boots ;  and  intelligent 
ladies  everywhere  always  know  how  to  act  according  to  necessity. 

Our  order  of  "reclinature,"  as  Doctor  Hexagon  would  here 

doubtless  say,  was  as  follows:  Mr.  B k,  sen.,  reclined  first, 

having  on  his  outside  next  the  door,  his  son,  and  on  the  inside, 
his  daughter ;  then  the  other  girls,  one  after  another,  till  all  were 
finished ;  then  his  modesty,  Mr.  C.,  who,  having  a  wife  at  home, 
was  called,  by  courtesy  to  suit  the  occasion,  an  old  man ;  and  then, 
outside  him,  and  next  the  other  door  young  Mr.  Frank 

"I  never!"8 

and  then  after  a  little  nearly  inaudible  whispering,  bursting 


8  What !  never  read  the  story  of  Boaz  and  Ruth  ? 


FOURTH  YEAR  339 

at  short  intervals  into  very  audible  giggles,  the  hush  of  the  dark 
wilderness  came  upon  us — and — an — a — 

"What?" 

Hey ! — oh ! — ah  ! — I  beg  pardon — I  think  we  must  have  been 

asleep ! 

****** 

After  breakfast  our  friend  Mr.  B k,  sen.,  offered  an  earnest 

prayer,  in  which  thanks  were  returned  for  past  mercies  and 
favours,  and  supplication  made  for  protection  during  the  prospec- 
tive perils  of  the  day;  and  in  an  hour  after  we  were  within  sight, 
and  hearing  too,  of  the  sullen  and  angry  flood. 

The  waters  had,  indeed,  fallen  in  a  good  degree,  and  they  were 
still  decreasing,  yet  no  person,  a  stranger  to  the  West,  could  have 
looked  on  that  foaming  and  eddying  river  leaping  impetuous 
over  the  rocky  bed,  and  have  heard  the  echoes  of  its  many  thun- 
ders calling  from  cliff  to  cliff,  and  from  one  dark  cavern  to  another 
in  the  forest  arched  over  the  water, — no  inexperienced  traveller, 
all  sign  of  hoof  and  wheel  leading  to  the  ford  obliterated,  could 
have  supposed  that  our  party,  and  mostly  very  young  girls,  were 
seriously  preparing  to  cross  that  stream  on  our  horses!  But 
either  that  must  be,  or  our  path  be  retraced ;  and  sobered,  there- 
fore, although  not  intimidated,  we  made  ready  for  the  perilous 
task.  The  older  and  more  resolute  girls  were  seated  on  the  sure- 
footed horses,  and  all  their  dresses  were  properly  arranged,  and  all 
loose  cloaks  and  clothes  carefully  tied  up,  that,  in  case  of  accident, 
nothing  might  entangle  the  hands  or  feet.  Several  little  girls  were 
to  be  seated  behind  the  gentlemen,  while  a  loose  horse  or  two 
was  left  to  follow.  We  gentlemen  riders  were  also  to  ride  be- 
tween two  young  ladies,  to  aid  in  keeping  their  horses  right,  to 
seize  a  rein  on  emergencies,  and  to  encourage  the  ladies,  in  case 
they  showed  any  symptoms  of  alarm. 

Things  ready,  we  all  rode  boldly  to  the  water's  edge ;  where  a 

halt  was  called,  till  Mr.  B. k  and  Mr.  C.  should  go  foremost 

and  try  the  ford.  And  now,  dear  reader,  it  may  be  easy  to  ford 
Slippery  River  in  this  book,  and  maybe  Mr.  C.  has  contrived  to 
seem  courageous  like — but  that  morning,  at  first  sight  of  that  ugly 
water,  he  did  secretly  wish  it  had  been  bridged,  and  feel — that  is 
— wished  all  safe  over;  and  possibly  had  he  been  favoured  with  a 


340  FOURTH  YEAR 

few  moments'  more  reflection,  he  might  have  been  rather  scared 
— yet  just  then,  souse  went  Mr.  B.  up  to  his  saddle-skirts,  seem- 
ing a  man  on  a  saddle  with  a  tail  streaming  out  horizontally,  and 
and  then  came  his  voice  thus : — 

"Come  on,  Carlton ! — come  on !" 

"Ay!  ay!  sir — I'm  in — souse — splash!  Oho!  the  water's  in 
my  boots!" 

"Hold  up  your  legs ! — why  don't  you  ?" 

"Forgot  it,  Mr.  B. — don't  care  now — can't  get  any  wetter." 

N.  B.  None,  save  born  and  bred  woodsmen,  can  keep  the 
limbs  properly  packed  and  dry  on  the  horse  neck,  in  deep  fords : 
naturalized  woodmen  never  do  it  either  gracefully  or  successfully. 
I  have  myself  vainly  tried  a  hundred  times :  but  at  the  first  desper- 
ate plunge  and  lurch  of  the  quadruped,  I  have  always  had  to 
unpack  the  articles  and  let  them  drop  into  the  water — otherwise 
I  should  have  dropped  myself. 

Mr.  B.  and  myself  rode  around  and  into  the  deepest  places, 
satisfying  ourselves  and  the  rest,  that  with  due  caution  and  for- 
titude the  ford  was  practicable — or  nearly  so:  and  then  I  re- 
turned for  the  girls,  while  Mr.  B.  rode  down  and  stationed  him- 
self in  the  middle  river  about  twenty-five  yards  below  the  ford 
proper,  to  intercept,  if  possible,  any  article  or  person  falling 
from  or  thrown  by  a  blundering  horse.  Having  myself  been  in 
the  deepest  water,  although  not  the  most  rapid,  and  knowing 
that  much  depended  on  my  firmness  and  care,  my  sense  of  per- 
sonal danger  was  lost  in  anxiety  for  my  precious  charge;  and  I 
re-entered  the  perilous  flood  with  the  girls  with  something  like  a 
determination,  if  necessary,  to  save  their  lives  rather  than  my 
own. 

Several  of  these,  from  the  first,  utterly  refused  all  assistance; 
they  now  sat  like  queens  of  the  chivalric  age — seeming,  occasion- 
ally, tiny  boats  trimmed  with  odd  sails  and  tossing  mid  the  foam, 
as  their  horses  rose  and  sunk  over  the  roughness  of  the  rocky 
bottom  1  The  other  girls,  shutting  their  eyes  to  avoid  looking  at 
the  seeming  dangers,  and  also  to  prevent  swimming  of  the  head, 
held  the  horn  of  the  saddle  with  a  tenacious  grasp,  and  sur- 
rendered the  horses  to  the  guidance  of  the  escorts. 

On  reaching  the  middle  of  the  river,  here  some  eighty  yards 
wide,  the  depth  had,  indeed,  decreased  to  about  two  feet;  but 


FOURTH  YEAR  341 

then  the  rocks  being  more,  and  larger  and  rougher,  the  current 
was  raging  among  them — a  miniature  of  the  Niagara  Rapids. 
Here  was  I  seized  with  a  momentary  perplexity.  By  way  of 
punishing  the  incipient  cowardice,  however,  I  checked  my  own 
horse  and  that  of  the  trembling  girl  next  me,  and  thus  remain- 
ing, forced  my  eyes  to  survey  the  whole  really  terrific  scene,  and 
to  comtemplate  a  cataract  of  waters  thundering  in  an  unbroken 
sheet  over  a  ledge  of  rocks  thirty  feet  high,  and  a  short  distance 
above  the  ford.  And  having  thus  compelled  myself  in  the  very 
midst  of  the  boiling  sea,  to  endure  its  surges,  we  proceeded  cau- 
tiously and  lesisurely,  till  with  no  other  harm  than  a  good  wetting, 
especially  to  my  boots  and  upwards,  and  a  little  palpitation  of  the 
heart,  all  came  safe  to  land. 

And  then  the  chattering;  and  how  we  magnified  ourselves! 
The  charges  and  denials  too! — "Mary  what  makes  you  so  pale?" 
— "Pshaw! — I'm  not — I  was  not  scared  a  bit!" — "Nor  me 
neither — "  "Ha !  ha !  ha ! — you  had  your  eyes  shut  all  the  time !" 
—"Oh!  Mr.  Carlton  had  I?"  "Well"— said  he— "we  must  not 
tell  tales  out  of  school:  beside  I  was  half  afraid  I  should  get 
scared  myself." 

"You!  Mr.  Carlton" — said  Mr.  B. — "well  it  may  be  so;  but 
without  flattery,  you  brought  the  girls  over  about  as  well  as  I 
could  have  done  it  myself — why,  you  were  as  cool  as  a 
woodsman." 

"Well  after  that  praise,  Mr.  Blank" — (for  that  is  the  name) — 
"I  mean  to  set  up  for  a  real  genuine  Hoosier." 

Reader !  I  did  not  deserve  such  praise :  but  as  to  being  "cool," 
there  was  no  mistake — only  think  of  the  cold  water  in  my  boots 
and  elsewhere! 

Inquiry  was  now  made  about  the  pony :  and  that  was  answered 
by  a  general  "Haw!  haw!  haw!  hoo!  hoo!  hoo!  he!  he!  he!" 
and  so  through  the  six  cases — and  mingled  with  the  exclamations 
"look !  look !"— "down  thare !  down  thare !" 

We  of  course  looked;  and  about  thirty  yards  below  the  land- 
ing, was  pony,  or  rather  pony's  head,  his  body  and  tail  being 
invisible ;  but  whether  hippopotamus-like  he  walked  on  the  bot- 
tom, or  was  actually  swimming,  was  uncertain.  But  there  he 
was;  and,  by  the  progression  of  his  ears,  he  was  manifestly 
making  headway  pretty  fast  towards  our  side ;  although  ever  and 


342  FOURTH  YEAR 

anon,  by  the  sudden  dousing  of  his  ears,  he  had  either  plunged 
into  water  deeper  than  his  expectation,  or  been  momentarily  up- 
set by  the  current.  By  this  time  our  two  young  gentlemen  had  got 
opposite  to  pony  and  were  wafting  to  assist  at  his  toilette  on  his 
emerging; — for  his  saddle  and  bridle,  &c.,  had  been  all  brought 
over  on  a  vacated  steed.  The  three  soon  rejoining  us,  we  all, 
in  health  and  with  grateful  hearts  and  good  spirits,  were  again 
dashing  on,  wild  and  independent  Tartars,  through  our  own 
loved  forests. 

But  before  we  could  reach  our  quarters  this  night,  Nut  Creek 
was  to  be  passed,  too  deep  to  be  forded,  and  having  neither 
bridge  nor  scow !  it  was  to  be  done — by  canoe !  and  travelling  by 
the  canoe  line  has  very  little  amusement,  although  abundance 
of  danger  and  trouble  and  excitement. 

The  canoe,  in  the  present  case,  was  a  log  ten  feet  long  and 
eighteen  inches  wide  and  hacked,  burned,  and  scraped,  to  the 
depth  of  a  foot:  and  it  was  tolerably  well  rounded  to  a  point 
at  each  end,  being  however,  destitute  of  keel  or  rudder.  It  was 
indeed,  wholly  unlike  a  fairy  skiff  found  in  poetry  or  Scott's 
Novels,  or  in  the  engravings  of  annuals  bound  in  cloth  and  gold 
and  reposing  on  centre  tables.  Nor  was  it  either  classical  or 
Indian.  It  differed  from  a  bark-canoe  as  a  wooden  shoe  from  a 
black  morocco  slipper!  Either  nature,  or  a  native,  had  begun  a 
hog-trough  to  hold  swill  and  be  snouted:  but  its  capacities  prov- 
ing better  than  expectation — a  little  extra  labour  had  chopped 
the  thing  into  a  log-boat! 

Well — into  this  metamorphosed  log  was  now  to  be  packed  a 
most  precious  load.  To  one  end  went  first,  Mr.  Blank,  senr. 
with  a  paddle ;  then  were  handed  along,  one  by  one,  the  tremb- 
ling girls,  who  sitting  instantly  on  the  bottom  of  the  trough 
and  closing  their  eyes,  held  to  its  sides  with  hands  clenched  as  for 
life;  and  then  followed  Mr.  C.  filling  up  the  few  inches  of  re- 
maining space,  and  for  the  first  time  in  his  days  holding  a  canoe 
paddle !  and  then  at  the  cry  "let  go !"  our  two  junior  gentlemen  on 
the  bank  relaxed  their  hands  and  our  laden  craft  was  at  the 
mercy  of  the  flood! 

Many  a  boat  had  I  rowed  on  the  Delaware  and  the  Schuylkill, 
— often  a  skiff  on  the  Ohio, — ay !  and  poled  and  set  over  many 
a  scow :  but  what  avail  that  civilized  practice,  in  propelling  for 


FOURTH  YEAR  343 

the  first  time  in  one's  life  a  hollow  log,  and  with  a  small  paddle 
like  a  large  mush  stick? — and  across  a  raging  torrent  in  a 
gloomy  wilderness?  Was  it  so  wonderful  my  end  went  round? 
— and  more  than  once!  Could  I  help  it?  Was  it  even  a  wonder 
I  looked  solemn? — grew  dizzy? — and  at  last  quit  paddling  al- 
together? But  it  was  a  wonder  I  did  not  upset  that  vile  swine 
thing,  and  plunge  all  into  the  water — perhaps  into  death !  and  yet 
we  all  reached,  by  the  skill  of  Mr.  Blank,  our  port  in  safety. 

The  horses  in  the  meanwhile  had  been  stripped,  and  three  or 
four  trustworthy  ones  released  from  their  bridles  to  swim  over 
by  themselves :  and  so  we  made  ready  to  ferry  over  the  remain- 
ing animals  and  all  the  baggage,  not,  indeed  at  one,  but  several 
trips.  The  trust-worthy  and  more  sensible  creatures  were  led 
by  the  mane,  or  the  nose,  or  driven  with  switches,  and  pelted 
with  clods  to  the  edge  of  the  creek;  where  they  were  partly 
coaxed,  and  partly  pushed  into  the  flood,  whence  rising  from  the 
plunge,  they  swam  snorting  to  the  far  side,  and  landing,  con- 
tinued cropping  about  till  wanted. 

The  less  accommodating  creatures  were  one  at  a  time  managed 
thus:  Mr.  Blank,  senr.  took  a  station  at  that  end  of  the  canoe, 
which  when  dragged  round  by  the  horse  would  become  the 
stern,  to  guide  and  steer;  and  Mr.  C.  twice,  and  Mr.  Frank  and 
young  Blank  each  once,  was  seated  in  the  prow  that  was  to  be, 
and  held  the  rope  or  bridle  attached  at  the  other  end  to  the 
horse's  head:  then,  all  ready,  the  creature  pulled  by  the  person 
in  the  canoe  and  pelted,  beat,  slapped  and  pushed  by  the  two  on 
land  took  the  "shoote;" — in  this  case  a  plunge  direct  over  head 
and  ears  into  water  a  little  over  nine  feet  deep!  If  this  did  not 
drag  under  or  upset  the  log,  that  was  owing  to  the — (hem!) 
dexterity  and  presence  of  mind  and  so  forth,  of  the  steersman — 
and  the  man  at  the  bridle  end !  But  when  the  animal  arose  and 
began  to  snort  and  swim  ahead ! — oh !  sirs,  then  was  realized  and 
enjoyed  all  ever  fabled  about  Neptune  and  his  dolphins!  or 
Davy  Crockett  and  his  alligators !  What  if  you  have  a  qualm  at 
first ! — that  is  soon  lost  in  the  excitement  of  this  demi-god  sailing ! 
It  is  even  grand !  to  cross  a  perilous  flood  on  a  log  harnessed  to 
a  river  horse !  and  with  the  rapidity  of  a  comet,  and  the  whirl  and 
splash  of  a  steamer!  No  wonder  our  Western  people  do  often 
feel  contempt  for  the  tender  nurslings  of  the  East!  And  is  it 


344  FOURTH  YEAR 

not  likely  that  the  fables  about  sea-cars,  and  water-gods,  orig- 
inated when  men  lived  in  the  woods,  dieted  on  acorns,  and  re- 
created themselves  with  this  horse  and  log  navigation  ?  The  hint 
may  be  worth  something  to  the  editors  of  Tooke's  Pantheon. 

***** 

In  an  hour  and  a  half  we  reached  our  second  night's  lodging 
place;  and  next  day,  at  noon,  the  girls  being  committed  to  the 
junior  gentlemen  to  escort  to  Sugartown,  the  residence  of  Mr. 
Blank,  he  and  the  author  took  the  episodial  journey,  described 
in  the  following  chapter. 


CHAPTER  XLV. 

"Shaking  his  trident,  urges  on  his  steeds, 
Who  with  two  feet  beat  from  their  brawny  breasts 
The  foaming  billow;  but  their  hinder  parts 
Swim,  and  go  smooth  against  the  curling  surge." 

WE  parted  from  our  young  folks,  at  an  obscure  trace,  leading 
Mr.  B.  and  Mr.  C.  away  to  the  left  towards  Big  Possum  Creek ; 
along  which,  somewhere  in  the  woods,  Mr.  Blank  expected  to 
meet  an  ecclesiastical  body,  of  which  he  was  a  member. 

The  spot  was  found  late  that  night ;  but  as  yet  no  delegates  had 
appeared,  and  when  next  day  at  three  o'clock  p.  M.,  a  slingle 
clergyman  appeared,  jaded  and  muddy,  and  reported  the  waters 
as  too  high  for  members  in  certain  directions  to  come  at  all,  the 
whole  affair  was  postponed  till  the  subsidence  of  the  flood;  or, 
it  was  adjourned  till  dry  weather! 

Mr.  Blank  being  an  officer  of  the  general  government,  and 
having  important  matters  demanding  his  immediate  attention, 
now  took  me  aside,  and  began  as  follows : — 

"Mr.  Carlton,  do  you  want  to  try  a  little  more  backwood's 
life?" 

"Why?" 

"Because,  if  possible,  I  should  like  to  reach  my  house  to-night." 

"To-night ! ! — why  'tis  half-past  three !  and  your  house  is  at 
least  thirty-five  miles " 

"Yes,  by  the  trace,  up  Big  Possum — but  in  a  straight  line 
through  the  woods  'tis  not  over  twenty-five  miles." 


FOURTH  YEAR  345 

"But  there  is  no  road?" 

"I  don't  want  any;  the  sun  is  bright,  and  by  sun-down,  we 
shall  strike  a  new  road  laid  out  last  fall;  and  that  I  can  fol- 
low in  the  night." 

"I  have  never,  M*r.  B.  swum  a  horse ;  and  I  confess  I'm  a  leetle 
timid;  and  we  cannot  expect  even  canoes  where  there  are  no 
settlements " 

"Oh !  never  fear,  I'll  go  ahead ;  beside,  Big  Possum  is  all  that 
is  very  seriously  in  the  way;  and  I  think  it  will  hardly  swim  us 
now — come,  what  do  you  say — will  you  go?" 

"Well — let's  see;  twenty-five  miles — no  road,  no  settlement, 
won't  quite  swim,  maybe — new  road  in  the  dark — pretty  fair  for 
a  tyro,  Mr.  Blank ;  but  I  can't  learn  sooner ;  I'll  go,  sir — let  us  be 
off  at  once  then." 

Our  friends  expressed  some  surprise,  and  used  some  dehorta- 
tion;  but  the  bold,  energetic,  and  cautious  character  of  Mr.  B. 
was  well  known,  and  hence  no  great  fears  were  either  expressed 
or  felt  for  our  safety.  Accordingly,  after  a  hasty  kind  of  din- 
ner-supper, we  were  mounted,  and  started  away  in  the  fashion 
of  boys'  foot  races,  prefaced  by  the  formula — "are  you  saddled? 
— are  you  bridled  ?  ? — whip ! — start ! — and  Go-o ! !" 

Big  Possum  was  soon  reached;  and  as  there  was  no  ford  es- 
tablished by  law  or  custom,  it  was  to  be  forded  at  a  venture.  My 
friend  sought,  indeed,  not  for  a  place  less  deep  apparently,  but 
for  one  less  impeded  by  bushes  and  briars,  and  then  in  he 
plunged,  "accoutred  as  he  was,  and  bade  me  follow."  And  so, 
indeed,  I  did  boldly,  and  promptly;  for  my  courage  was  really 
so  modest  as  to  need  the  stimulus  of  a  blind  and  reckless  conduct. 
Hence,  all  I  knew  was  a  "powerful  heap"  of  water  in  my  boots 
again,  and  an  uneasy  wet  sensation  in  the  saddle-seat1 — with  a 
curious  sinking  of  the  horses  "hinder  parts,"  as  if  he  kicked 
at  something  and  could  not  hit  it — and  then  a  hard  scramble  of 
his  fore  legs  in  the  treacherous  mud  of  a  bank;  and  then  this 
outcry  of  Mr.  Blank,  as  he  turned  an  instant  in  his  saddle  to 
watch  my  emersion: — 

"Well  done!  Carlton!  well  done!  You'll  be  a  woodsman  yet! 
Come,  keep  up — the  worst  is  over." 

1 1  hope  the  Magazines  won't  be  hard  on  the  grammar  here — it  is  so 
great  a  help  to  our  delicacy — a  double  intender  like. 


346  FOURTH  YEAR 

Reader !  I  do  think  praise  is  the  most  magical  thing  in  nature ! 
In  this  case  it  nearly  dried  my  inexpressibles !  And  on  I  followed, 
consoling  myself  for  the  other  water  in  the  boots,  by  singing — 
"possum  up  a  gum  tree!" 

"Hulloo!  Mr.  B.  how  are  you  steering?  by  the  moss?" 

"No — by  the  shadows'' 

"Shadows!  how's  that?" 

"Our  course  is  almost  North  East — the  sun  is  nearly  West — so 
cutting  the  shadows  of  the  trees  at  the  present  angle,  we'll  strike 
the  road,  this  rate,  about  sun-set." 

I  had  travelled  by  the  moss,  a  good  general  guide,  the  north 
and  north-west  sides  of  trees,  having  more  and  darker  moss  than 
the  others ;  I  had  gone  by  a  compass  in  a  watch  key — by  blazes — 
by  the  under  side  of  leaves  recently  upturned,  a  true  Indian  trace, 
as  visible  to  the  practiced  eye  as  the  warm  scent  to  a  hound's  nose 
— and  by  the  sun,  moon,  or  stars ;  I  had,  in  dark  days,  gone  with 
comrades,  who  by  keeping  some  fifty  yards  apart  in  a  line,  could 
correct  aberrations ;  but  never  had  I  thought  of  our  present  simple 
and  infallible  guide! 

Man  maybe,  as  some  think,  very  low  in  the  intellectual  scale, 
and  yet  he  has  one  mark  of  divine  resemblance — he  always  is  in 
search  of  simple  agents  and  means,  and  when  found,  he  uses 
them  in  producing  the  greatest  effects.  Witness  here  man's  con- 
trivances for  navigating  through  the  air  and  the  waters,  and  for 
crossing  deserts  and  solitudes!  Laugh  if  you  will,  but  I  do  con- 
fess that  as  we  bounded  along  that  beautiful  sunny  afternoon  and 
evening,  I  felt  how  like  gods  we  availed  ourselves  of  reason,  in 
that  wilderness  without  squatters,  without  blazes,  without  dry 
leaves,  having  no  compass,  and  indifferent  to  moss;  ay,  and  I 
smiled  at  the  grim  trees,  while  we  cut  athwart  their  black  shadows 
at  the  proper  angle,  and  heard  from  den  and  ravine  and  cliff 
the  startled  echoes  crying  out  in  amazement,  in  answering  clat- 
ter and  clang  of  hoofs  and  clamour  of  human  voices ! 

For  many  miles  the  land  was  low  and  level,  and  mostly  cov- 
ered with  water  in  successive  pools,  seeming,  at  a  short  distance, 
like  parts  of  one  immense  lake  of  the  woods !  These  pools  were 
rarely  more  than  a  few  inches  deep,  unless  in  cavities  where 
trees  had  been  torn  up  by  their  roots,  and  such  holes  were  easily 
avoided  by  riding  around  the  prostrate  tops.  My  friend  had 


FOURTH  YEAR  347 

not  expected  quite  so  much  water;  for  he  now  called  out  at 
intervals — 

"Come  on!  Carlton!  we  mustn't  be  caught  here  in  the  dark — 
the  sun's  getting  low — can  you  keep  up?" 

"Ay — ay — go  on! — go  on!" 

And  then,  after  every  such  exhortation  and  reply,  as  if  all 
past  trotting  had  been  walking,  away,  away  we  splashed,  not 
kicking  up  a  dust,  but  a  mimic  shower  of  aqueous  particles,  and 
many  a  smart  sprinkle  of  mud,  that  rattled  like  hail  on  the  leaves 
above,  and  the  backs  and  shoulders  below !  Never  did  I  believe 
how  a  horse  can  go! — at  least  through  mud  and  water!  True,  I 
did  often  think  of  "the  merciful  man,  merciful  to  his  beast!" — 
but  I  thought  in  answer,  that  hay  and  oats  were  as  scarce  in  the 
swamp  as  hog  and  hominy ;  and  hence,  that  for  all  our  sakes  we 
had  better  bestir  matters  a  little  extra  for  an  hour  or  two,  that  all 
might  get  to  "entertainment  for  man  and  horse." 

Hence,  finally,  we  gave  up  all  talking,  singing  humming,  and 
whistling,  and  all  conjecturing  and  wishing;  and  set  in  to  plain, 
unostentatious  hard  riding,  kicking  and  whipping,  our  respective 
"critturs"  so  heartily  as  to  leave  no  doubt  somewhere  under  their 
hides,  of  our  earnestness  and  haste ;  and,  therefore,  about  half  an 
hour  after  sunset,  we  gained  or  struck  the  expected  road,  where, 
although  not  yet  free  from  the  waters,  we  had  no  more  appre- 
hension of  losing  the  course. 

This  road  was,  in  truth,  a  new  new.  road;  and  not  like  some 
new  new  roads,  new  theatres  and  so  forth  that  have  had  a 
patent  for  immortality  and  been  fresh  with  youth  for  half  a 
century.2  And,  happily,  our  road  had  never  been  cut  up  by  a 
wagon,  being  only  an  opening  twelve  yards  wide,  full  of  stumps, 
and  for  a  few  miles  ahead,  full  of  water.  Without  a  fixed  pur- 
pose, therefore,  we  could  not  wander  from  the  partially  illumi- 
nated and  comparatively  unimpeded  way;  and  hence  twilight  as 
it  was,  on  we  splattered  and  splashed  in  all  the  glory  and  pleni- 
tude of  mud-hail,  and  dirt-coloured  rain. 

At  last  we  re-entered  the  dry  world — a  high  and  rolling  coun- 
try. As  it  was,  however,  then  profoundly  dark,  our  concluding 

2  However,  new  books  now-a-days  are  exempt  from  the  remark — being 
no  more  than  literary  fungi.  Our  fathers  liked  stale  new  things — the 
sons  prefer  new  things  that  have  a  smell  and  die. 


348  FOURTH  YEAR 

five  miles  were  done  in  a  walk,  slow,  solemn,  and  funereal;  till 
at  half  past  ten  o'clock  that  night  we  dismounted  or  disembarked, 
wet,  weary,  and  hungry,  at  Mr.  B.'s  door:  and  there  we  were 
more  than  welcomed  by  his  family  and  all  our  boys  and  girls 
snug  and  safe  from  the  late  perils  of  woods  and  waters. 


CHAPTER  XLVI. 

"Slowly  and  sadly  we  laid  him   down 

From  the  field  of  his  fame,  fresh  and  gory ; 

We  carved  not  a  line,  we  raised  not  a  stone, 
But  we  left  him  alone  with  his  glory." 

Ax  the  end  of  a  week's  visit  we  left  Sugartown  for  Tippe- 
canoe:  but  with  a  very  diminished  party.  It  consisted  of  one 
young  lady,  the  two  young  gentlemen,  myself,  and  other  four, 
horses.  The  lady,  Miss  Charille,  lived  twenty-five  miles  to  the 
north,  and  within  ten  miles  of  Tippecanoe.  The  young  fellows 
accompanied  out  of  gallantry,  and  to  visit  with  me  the  field. 

Being  in  a  hurry,  I  shall  not  say  how,  in  fording  and  swim- 
ming Sweet  Creek,  my  head  became  dizzy,  till  my  horse  seemed 
to  rush  sideways  up  the  stream — and  how,  spite  of  all  practice  and 
contrary  resolutions,  I  felt  sick  and  let  down  my  limbs  into  the 
water,  while  Mr.  B.,  who  came  to  see  us  safe  over,  kept  crying 
out,  "Stick  to  your  horse — don't  look  at  the  water — look  at  the 
bank !"  Nor  shall  I  tell  how,  in  crossing  a  prairie,  we  saw,  oh ! 
I  don't  know  how  many  deer! — nor  how  we  started  up  prairie 
fowls,  hens  and  roosters,  and  wished  we  had  guns ! — yes,  and 
saw  prairie  wolves  too,  a  cantering  from  us  over  the  plain !  And 
I  shall  not  narrate  how  in  crossing  one  wet  prairie,  we  were 
decoyed  by  some  pretty,  rich,  green  grass,  into  a  morass! — and 
how  Miss  Charille's  horse  stuck  fast,  and  struggling,  pitched 
her  into  the  mire ! — and  how  she  was  more  scared  than  hurt,  and 
worse  muddied  than  either!  I  should  like  to  tell  about  the  tall 
grass  in  places,  but  I  hasten  to  say,  that  early  in  the  evening  we 
arrived  at  Mr.  Charille's;  that  we  were  cordially  received;  that 
we  got  supper  in  due  season,  and  then  went  to  bed  in  western 
style,  all  in  one  room:  the  beds  here  nearly  touching  in  places, 


FOURTH  YEAR  349 

buHngeniously  separated  by  extemporary  curtains  of  frocks  and 
petticoats,  and  on  a  side  of  my  bed,  by  two  pairs  of  modest  and 
respectable  corduroy  breeches.  Fastidious  folks,  that  smell  at 
essences  and  flourish  perfumed  cambric,  I  know  would  have  laid 
awake,  curling  their  noses  at  the  articles,  but  sensible  ones  in 
such  cases  go  quietly  to  sleep ;  while  men  of  genius  are  even  cap- 
tivated with  the  romance. 

"Romance! — what,  a  curtain  of  corduroy  thinging-bobs ?" 

Yes,  corduroy  breeches  modestly  hung  as  wall  between  ladies 
and  gentlemen,  reposing  amid  the  solemn  vastness  of  a  prairie! 
If  that  is  not  romance,  pray  what  is  ?  To  sleep  alone  in  a  plastered 
chamber,  with  a  lock  on  the  door,  blinds  to  the  windows,  wash- 
stand,  toilette,  and  so  on,  is  very  comfortable — very  civilized — 
but  surely  not  very  romantic.  And  if  strangeness  is  a  consti- 
tuent of  romance,  could  any  fix  and  fixtures  be  contrived 
stranger  than  ours? 

However  like  a  sensible  body,  I  went  soon  and  quietly  to  sleep, 
and  was  quickly  in  spirit  lost  in  the  land  of  shadows  and  dreams : 
and  having  a  fine  capacity  for  dreaming,  I  had  many  visions,  till 
at  last  came  one  of  my  pet  dreams — a  winged  dream!  Then, 
lifted  on  pinions  fastened  some  where  about  me,  I  went  sailing 
in  the  air  over  the  wide  expanse  of  the  meadow  world ;  then,  ca- 
reering in  a  black  tempest  and  hurricane,  far  above  the  bowing 
and  crashing  trees  of  the  forest — and  then  suddenly  descending 
near  a  mighty  swollen  river,  I  was  deprived  in  some  mysterious 
way  of  the  wings !  Here  I  lay  stretched  on  a  bed,  while  the  form 
of  that  venerable  quadruped,  my  dear  nameless  old  friend,  a 
little  larger  than  life,  backed  up  and  became  harnessed  to  the  foot 
of  the  couch,  and  the  dwarf  pony  began  with  his  hinder  parts  to 
push  against  the  head-board  and  I  was  just  a-launching  into  the 
waters,  when  down  dropped  both  the  steeds,  and  commenced  to 
snort  with  so  tremendous  a  tempest  of  noise  as  to  wake  me!  I 
rubbed  my  eyes  and  smiled — but  is  it  possible? — hark! — am  I 
still  dreaming?  What  is  that  beyond  the  corduroys  in  the  ad- 
joining bed?  Dear,  oh  dear!  can  that  be  Dr.  Charille  snoring? 

During  the  week  spent  at  Mr.  Blank's  his  lady  had  once  said 
to  me, — 

"M<r.  Carlton,  you  will  not  sleep  any  at  Dr.  Charille's." 

"Not  sleep  any — why?" 


350  FOURTH  YEAR 

"His  snoring  will  keep  you  awake." 
"Never  fear — I  can  sleep  in  a  thunder  storm." 
"So  I  thought.     But  when  lately  he  visited  here,  he  insisting 
on  sleeping  alone  in  the  passage,  which  we  not  permitting,  when 
his  snoring  began,  sure  enough,  as  he  himself  pleasantly  predicted, 
nobody  else  could  sleep." 

This  conversation  now  recurred,  when  that  amazing  snoring 
formed  and  then  destroyed  my  dream!  What  a  relief,  if  young 
Mr.  Frank  and  I,  who  slept  together,  could  have  laughed!  One 
might  have  ventured,  indeed,  with  impunity,  during  any  paroxysm 
of  snoring,  if  one  could  have  quit  when  it  subsided ;  for  the  most 
honest  cachination  must  have  been  unheard  in  the  uproar  of  the 
Doctor's  nasal  trumpetings. 

How  shall  we  so  write  as  to  give  any  correct  idea  of  the  per- 
formance? Pitiful,  indeed,  it  began,  like  a  puppy's  whine;  but 
directly  its  tone  passed  into  an  abrupt,  snappish,  mischievous, 
and  wicked  snort;  and  then -into  a  frightful  tornado  of  windy 
sleep;  after  which,  in  a  few  minutes,  it  subsided,  and  suddenly 
ceased,  as  if  the  doctor  had  made  a  successful  snap  and  swal- 
lowed it!  If  this  description  be  not  satisfactory,  I  hope  the 
reader  will  send  for  Robert  Dale  Owen,  who,  knowing  how  to 
represent  morals  and  circumstances  by  diagrams,  may  succeed  in 
the  same  way  at  setting  forth  snoring;  but  such  is  beyond  our 
power. 

The  doctor  evidently  worked  by  the  job,  from  his  earnestness 
and  haste:  and  certainly  he  did  do  in  any  five  minutes  of  a 
paroxysm,  vastly  more  and  better  than  all  of  us  combined  could 
have  done  the  whole  night.  Happily  any  sound,  regularly  re- 
peated, becomes  a  lullaby;  and  hence  he  that  had  snored  me 
awake,  snored  me  asleep  again ;  but  never  can  I  forget  that 
amazing,  startling,  and  exhilatory  nasal  solo!  That  nose  could 
have  done  snoring  parts  in  a  somnambula,  and  would  have  roused 
up  the  drowsy  hearers  better  than  the  clash  of  brass  instruments ! 
****** 

After  an  early  breakfast,  the  two  youngsters  and  myself  set  off 
on  horse-back  for  Tippecanoe;  intending,  as  the  field  was  only 
ten  miles,  to  return,  if  possible,  in  the  evening  to  Dr.  Charille's. 

The  day  was  favorable,  and  our  path  led  usually  through 
prairies,  where  awe  is  felt  at  the  grandeur  of  the  wild  plains 


FOURTH  YEAR  351 

stretching  away  sometimes  with  undulations,  but  oftener  with 
unbroken  smoothness,  to  meet  the  dim  horizon.  Yet  one  is  fre- 
quently surprised  and  delighted  there,  with  views  of  picturesque 
meadows,  fringed  with  thickets  intervening,  and  separating  the 
primitive  pasturages  as  in  the  golden  age!  The  green  and 
flowery  meads  seemed  made  for  flocks  and  herds:  and  imagina- 
tion easily  created,  under  the  shade  of  trees,  shepherds  and  shep- 
herdesses, with  crooks  and  sylvan  reeds !  It  heard  the  sound  of 
pipes ! — the  very  tones  of  thrilling  and  strange  voices ! 

Then  we  seemed  to  approach  a  country  of  modern  farms,  where 
the  gopher  hills  resembled  hay-cocks  awaiting  the  wagon !  and 
countless  wild  plums  laden  with  rich  and  fragrant  fruit  recalled 
the  Eastern  orchards !  Alas !  our  inconsistency !  then  I,  who  a 
while  since  looked  with  rapture  to  the  sun-set  and  longed  for  the 
West,  now  looked  to  the  sun-rise  and  sighed  for  the  East — the 
far  East !  And  why  not  ?  There  was  the  home  of  my  orphan  boy- 
hood !  there  had  I  revelled,  and  without  care  in  the  generous  toils 
of  the  harvest ! — the  binding  of  sheaves ! — the  raking  of  hay — the 
hay-mow  ! — the  stack-yard !  There  had  I  snared  rabbits — trapped 
muskrats — found  hen's  nests — laid  up  walnuts  and  shell  barks ! 
Ay !  there  had  I  fished  with  pin-hooks,  and  caught  in  a  little,  dark, 
modest  brook,  more  roach  and  gudgeon  than  the  fellow  with  his 
store-hook  with  a  barbed  point !  And  then  the  sliding  down  hills 
of  ice  on  our  own  home-made  sleds! — and  upsetting! — and 
rolling  to  the  bottom !  Yes !  yes !  after  all,  those  were  the  halcyon 
days !  And  so  for  a  time  how  keen  that  morning  the  pangs  of  a 
desolate  heart  as  I  realized  the  immense  solitudes  around  me! 

We  had  been  directed  to  cross  the  river  at  a  new  town,  which, 
on  reaching,  was  found  to  contain  one  log-house  half  finished,  and 
one  tent  belonging  to  a  Canadian  Frenchman,  and  some  Indians. 
And  yet,  before  we  left  the  New  Purchase,  this  Sproutsburgh  *  had 
become  a  village  to  be  seen  from  a  distance,  and  not  many  years 
after  contained  fourteen  retail  stores ! — a  specimen  of  our  whole- 
sale growth  in  the  West.  But  to  me  an  object  of  great  interest 
was  a  tall  young  Indian,  dressed  in  a  composite  mode,  partly  bar- 
barian, partly  civilized.  His  pantaloons  were  of  blue  cloth,  and 
he  wore  a  roundabout  of  the  same;  while  his  small  feet  were 

1  This  city  was  probably  La  Fayette. 


352  FOURTH  YEAR 

tastefully  clad  with  sumptuously  wrought  moccasins,  and  his 
head  encircled  with  a  woollen  or  rain-beaver  hat,  banded  with  a 
broad  tin  belt,  and  garnished  with  a  cockade !  He  was  seemingly 
about  eighteen  years  old ;  and  by  way  of  favour  he  consented 
to  ferry  us  over  the  water.  And  now,  reader,  here  hast  thou 
a  fair  token  that  this  work  is  true  as — most  history;  and  not 
more  extravagant  than  our  puerile  school  histories  for  begin- 
ners : 2  I  resist  the  temptation  of  having  ourselves  skiffed  over 
in  a  bark  canoe!  For,  alas!  we  crossed  in  an  ugly  scow;  and 
it  moved  by  a  pole ! 

Yet  was  it  nothing,  as  I  held  my  horse,  to  look  on  that  half 
reclaimed  son  of  the  forest,  while  he  urged  our  rude  flat-boat 
across  the  tumultuating  waters  of  a  river  with  an  Indian  name — 
Wabash !  and  we  on  our  way  to  an  Indian  battle  field — Tippe- 
canoe ! 

On  the  far  bank  we  galloped  into  one  of  many  narrow  traces 
along  the  river,  and  running  through  mazy  thickets  of  under- 
growth; and  shortly,  spite  of  our  many  directions  and  cautions, 
quite  as  bepuzzling  as  the  paths  themselves,  we  were  lost ;  having 
followed  some  deer  or  turkey  trail  till  it  miraculously  disappeared, 
the  animal  being  there  used  to  jump  off,  or  the  bird  to  fly  up! 
Then,  and  on  like  occasions,  we  put  in  towards  the  river,  and 
when  in  sight  or  hearing  of  its  waters,  sometimes  without  and 
sometimes  with  a  "blind  path,"  we  kept  up  stream  the  best  we 
could.  A  blind  path  has  that  name  because  it  tries  the  eyes  and 
often  requires  spectacles  to  find  it ;  or  because  one  is  in  constant 
jeopardy  of  having  the  eyes  blinded  or  struck  out  by  uncere- 
monious limbs,  bushes,  branches,  and  sprays. 

Recent  high  water  had  formed  many  extemporary  lagoons, 
and  quagmires,  which  forced  us  often  away  from  the  river  bank, 
that  we  might  get  round  these  sullen  and  melancholy  lakes;  al- 
though, after  all  our  extra  riding,  we  commonly  appeared  to  have 
gone  farther  and  fared  worse  and  hence,  at  last,  we  crossed 
wherever  the  impediment  first  offered.  Once  a  muddy  ravine 
presented  itself;  and  as  the  difficulty  seemed  less  than  usual, 

2  The  present  age  is  that  of  beginnings.  Hence  school-books  are  usu- 
ally all  for  beginners ;  and  it  requires  a  wheel-barrow  for  a  scholar  now 
instead  of  a  satchel.  Things  are  also  ended  and  finished  but  not  con- 
tinued and  done. 


FOURTH  YEAR  353 

we  began  our  crossing  with  little  or  no  circumspection, — and  yet 
it  was,  truly,  a  most  dangerous  morass!  Happily,  we  entered  a 
few  yards  below  the  worst  spot,  and  had  creatures  used  to 
floundering  through  beds  of  treacherous  and  almost  bottomless 
mire. 

I  had  small  space  to  notice  my  comrades,  for  my  noble  and 
spirited  animal,  finding  in  an  instant  the  want  of  a  solid  spot,  by 
instinct  exerted  her  entire  strength  in  a  succession  of  leaps  so 
sudden  and  violent  as  soon  to  displace  the  rider  from  the  saddle ; 
and  when  she  gained  terra  firma,  that  rider  was  on  her  neck 
instead  of  back.  A  leap  more  would  have  freed  her  neck  of  the 
incumbrance,  and  our  author  would  have  either  sunk  or  have 
done  his  own  floundering.  He  stuck  to  the  neck,  not  by  skill, 
but  for  want  of  sufficient  time  to  fall  off!  Having  now  oppor- 
tunity to  look  round,  we  saw  one  young  gentleman  wiping  the 
mud  from  his  eyes  nose,  ears  and  mouth — proof  that  all  his 
senses  had  been  open;  and  the  other  we  saw  stand,  indeed,  but 
very  much  like  a  man  that  had  dismounted  hastily  and  not  alto- 
gether purposely, — he  was  on  all  fours!  The  three  horses  were 
sorely  panting  and  trembling;  while  the  bosom  of  the  quagmire 
was  regaining  its  placidity  after  the  late  unusual  agitation,  and 
in  a  few  moments  had  become  calm  and  deceitful  as  policy  itself 
when  for  the  people  it  has  sacrificed  its  friends! 3 

lAnd  yet,  where  we  had  crossed,  the  mire  after  all  was  not  so 
very  deep — it  did  not,  we  were  told,  average  more  than  five  feet ! 
But,  two  rods  above  and  one  below,  the  quaggery  required  a  pole 
to  touch  its  bottom  some  fifteen  feet  long!  And  this  we  ascer- 
tained by  trial,  and  also  from  the  squatter  at  whose  cabin  we 
halted  a  moment,  just  one  mile  below — the  Field. 

Our  windings,  however,  brought  us  to  a  sight  mournful  and 
solemn — a  coffin  in  which  rested  an  Indian  babe!  This  rude 
coffin  was  supported  in  the  crotch  of  a  large  tree,  and  secured 
from  being  displaced  by  the  wind,  being  only  a  rough  trough  dug^ 
out  with  a  tomahawk,  and  in  which  was  deposited  the  little  one, 
and  having  another  similar  trough  bound  down  over  the  body 
with  strips  of  papaw. 

Sad  seemed  the  dreamless  sleep  of  the  poor  innocent  so  separate 

3  A  reference  to  his  own  displacement  in  the  College  to  allay  popular 
clamor,  as  alleged. 


354  FOURTH  YEAR 

from  the  graves  of  its  fathers  and  the  children  of  its  people! 
Mournful  the  voice  of  leaves  whispering  over  the  dead  in  that 
sacred  tree !  The  rattling  of  naked  branches  there  in  the  hoarse 
winds  of  winter! — how  desolate!  And  yet  if  one  after  death 
could  lie  amid  thick  and  spicy  ever-green  branches  near  the  dear 
friends  left — instead  of  being  locked  in  the  damp  vault!  or  trod- 
den like  clay  in  the  deep,  deep  grave ! 

But  would  that  be  rebellion  against  the  sentence  "dust  thou  art, 
and  unto  dust  shalt  thou  return?" — then  let  our  bodies  be  laid  in 
the  silence  and  the  dark  tilll  the  morning  and  the  life !  See !  what 
woodland  is  that  yonder?  That  advanced  like  the  apex  of  a  tri- 
angle; and  yet  as  we  now  approach  nearer  and  nearer,  is  rising 
up  and  has  become  an  elevated  plain  ?  That  is  Tippecanoe ! 

Yes !  this  is  Tippecanoe,  as  it  stood  some  twelve  years  after  the 
battle !  * — Tippecanoe  in  its  primitive  and  sacred  wilderness !  un- 
scathed by  the  axe,  unshorn  by  the  scythe,  unmarked  by  roads, 
unfenced !  We  are  standing  and  walking  among  the  slain  war- 
riors! Can  it  be  that  I  am  he,  who  but  yesterday  was  roused 
from  sleep  to  aid  in  "setting  up  the  declaration  of  war  against 
Great  Britain,"  to  appear  as  an  extra  sheet  and  who,  each 
subsequent  week,  thrilled  as  I  "composed"  in  the  "iron  stick" 
accounts  of  battles  by  land  and  fights  at  sea? — in  the  days  of 
Maxwell  rollers  and  Ramage  presses! — and  hardy  pressmen  in 
paper  aprons  and  cloth  trousers! — long  before  the  invasion  of 
petticoats  and  check  aprons ! 

Oh !  ye  men  and  boys  of  ink  and  long  primer !  how  our  spirits 
were  stirred  to  phrensy  and  swelled  with  burnings  and  longings 
after  fame ! — while,  like  trumpeters  calling  to  battle,  we  scattered 
forth  our  papers  that  woke  up  the  souls  of  men !  Then  I  heard 
of  Harrison  and  Tippecanoe;  and  dreamed  even  by  day  of  a 
majestic  soldier  seated  on  his  charger,  and  his  drawn  sword 
flashing  its  lightnings,  and  his  voice  swelling  over  the  din  of  bat- 
tle like  the  blast  of  the  clarion! — and  of  painted  warriors,  like 
demons,  rushing  with  the  knife  and  tomahawk  upon  the  white 
tents  away,  away  off  somewhere  in  the  unknown  wilds, — of 
"shout,  and  groan,  and  sabre-stroke,  and  death-shots  falling  thick 

4  This  would  indicate  that  Hall's  visit  to  Tippecanoe  was  in  1823  or 
1824.  The  date  of  the  battle  was  Nov.  7,  1811. 


FOURTH  YEAR  355 

and  fast  as  lightning  from  the  mountain  cloud !" — And  do  I  stand, 
and  without  a  dream  look  on — Tippecanoe? 

Even  so! — for  see,  here  mouldering  are  trunks  of  trees  that 
formed  the  hasty  rampart! — here  the  scars  and  seams  in  the 
trees  torn  by  balls! — ay!  here  in  this  narrow  circle  are  skele- 
tons of,  let  me  count  again,  yes,  of  fourteen  war-horses!  But 
where  the  riders  ?  Here,  under  this  beech — see,  the  record  in  the 
bark ! — we  stand  on  the  earth  over  the  dead — "rider  and  horse — 
friend — foe — in  one  red  burial  blent!" 

What  is  this? — the  iron  band  of  a  musket!  See!  I  have  found 
a  rusty  bayonet!  Was  it  ever  wet  with  blood?  Perhaps  it  be- 
longed to  the  brave  soul  about  whom  the  squatter  gave  us  the 
following  anecdote: 

"A  party  of  United  States  regulars  were  stationed  there,  and 
with  strict  orders  for  none  to  leave  ranks.  An  Indian  crawled 
behind  this  large  log — it's  pretty  rotten  now  you  see — and  here 
loading  and  firing  he  killed  four  or  five  of  us ;  while  we  daresn't 
quit  ranks  and  kill  him.  But  one  of  our  chaps  said  to  the  nearest 
officer — 'Leftenint!  for  Heaven's  sake — gimme  leaf  to  kill  that 
red  devil  ahind  the  log — I'll  be  in  ranks  agin  in  a  minute !'  'My 
brave  fellow' — said  the  officer,  'I  daren't  give  you  leave — I  musn't 
see  you  go.'  And  with  that  he  walked  off  akeepin  his  back  to- 
wards us ;  and,  when  he  turned  and  got  back,  our  soldier  was 
in  ranks;  but,  gentlemen,  his  bagnit  was  bloody,  and  a  deep 
groan  from  behind  this  here  old  log,  told  the  officer  that  the 
bagnit  had  silenced  the  rifle  and  avenged  the  fall  of  our  mess- 
mates and  comrades." 

If  the  reader  imagine  a  strip  of  woodland,  triangular  in  form, 
its  point  or  apex  jutting  a  kind  of  promontory  into  the  prairie 
whose  long  grass  undulates  like  the  waving  of  an  inland  sea;  if 
on  one  side  of  this  woody  isle,  he  imagines  a  streamlet  about 
fifteen  feet  below  and  stealing  along  through  the  grass  ;  and  on  the 
other  side,  here,  a  mile,  and  there,  two  miles  across  the  prairie, 
other  woodlands  hiding  in  their  darkness  the  Wabash ;  and  if  he 
imagines  that  river,  at  intervals  gleaming  in  the  meadow,  like  il- 
luminated parts  merely  of  the  grass-lake,  he  may  picture  for 
himself  something  like  Tippecanoe  in  the  simplicity  of  "un- 
curled"5 nature,  and  before  it  was  marred  and  desecrated  by 
man's  transformations! 
6  Hemans. 


356  FOURTH  YEAR 

The  first  intimation  of  the  coming  battle,  as  our  squatter  who 
was  in  it,  said,  was  from  the  waving  grass.  A  sentinel  hid  that 
night  in  the  darkness  of  the  wood,  was  gazing  in  a  kind  of 
dreamy  watchfulness  over  the  prairie,  admiring,  as  many  times 
before,  the  beauteous  waving  of  its  hazy  bosom.  But  never  had 
it  seemed  so  strangely  agitated; — a  narrow  and  strong  current 
was  setting  rapidly  towards  his  post ;  and  yet  no  violent  wind  to 
give  the  stream  that  direction!  He  became  first,  curious — soon, 
suspicious.  Still  nothing  like  danger  appeared — no  voice, — no 
sound  of  fotsteps, — no  whisper !  Yet  rapidly  and  steadily  onward 
sets  the  current — its  first  ripples  are  breaking  at  his  feet!  He 
awakes  all  his  senses; — but  discovers  nothing — he  strains  his 
eye  over  the  top  of  the  bending  grass — and  then,  happy  thought ! 
he  kneels  on  the  earth  and  looks  intently  below  that  grass !  Then, 
indeed,  he  saw,  not  a  wind  moved  current — but  Indian  warriors 
in  a  stooping  posture  and  stealing  noiseless  towards  his  post — a 
fatal  and  treacherous  under  current  in  that  waving  grass ! 

The  sentinel  springing  to  his  feet  cried  out,  "Who  comes 
there?" 

"Pottawatamie !" — the  answer,  as  an  Indian  leaped  with  a  yell 
from  the  grass,  and  almost  in  contact  with  the  soldier — and  then, 
fell  back  with  a  death  scream  as  the  ball  of  the  sentinel's  piece 
entered  the  warrior's  heart,  and  gave  thus  the  signal  for  combat ! 

Our  men  may  have  slumbered;  for  it  was  time  of  treaty  and 
truce — but  it  was  in  armour  they  lay,  and  with  ready  weapons 
in  their  hands ;  and  it  was  to  this  precaution  of  their  general,  we 
owed  the  speedy  defeat  of  the  Indians ;  although  not  before  they 
had  killed  about  seventy  of  our  little  army.  No  one  can  properly 
describe  the  horrors  of  that  night  attack — at  least,  I  shall  not  at- 
tempt it.  It  required  the  coolness  and  deliberation,  and  at  the 
same  time,  the  almost  reckless  daring  and  chivalric  behaviour  of 
the  commander  and  his  noble  officers  and  associates,  to  foil  such 
a  foe,  and  at  such  a  time;  even  with  the  loss  of  so  many  brave 
men  of  their  small  number.  That  the  foe  was  defeated  and 
driven  off  is  proof  enough  to  Western  men — (if  not  to  Eastern 
politicians  who  do  battles  on  paper  plains) — that  all  was  anti- 
cipated and  done  by  Harrison  that  was  necessary.  It  would  not 
become  a  work  like  this,  which  inexperienced  folks  may  not 
think  is  quite  as  true  as  other  histories,  to  meddle  with  the  his- 


FOURTH  YEAR  357 

tory  of  an  honest  President;  but  the  writer  knows,  and  on  the 
best  authority,  that  General  Harrison  did  that  night  all  that  a 
wise,  brave,  and  benevolent  soldier  ought  to  do  or  could  do ;  and 
among  other  things,  that  his  person  was  exposed  in  the  fiercest 
and  bloodiest  fights  where  balls  repeatedly  passed  through  his 
clothes  and  his  cap.6 

There  was,  however,  one  in  the  battle  so  generous,  so  chivalric, 
so  kind,  and  yet  so  eccentric,  that  his  life  would  make  a  volume 
of  truth  more  exciting  than  fiction — the  celebrated  Joseph  Hamil- 
ton Davies,  familiarly  and  kindly  called  in  the  West,  Joe  Davies. 
A  lawyer  by  profession,  he  was  eminent  in  all  pertaining  to  his 
science  and  art;  but  pre-eminent  in  the  adjustment  of  land 
claims.  An  anecdote  about  him  on  this  point  appeared  in  the 
newspapers  some  years  since;  it  deserves  a  more  imperishable 
record  in  a  work  destined  to  be  read  and  preserved  in  so  many 
families — maybe ! 

A  person,  served  with  an  ejectment,  and  fearing  from  the 
length  of  his  adversary's  purse,  that  he  must  be  unjustly  deprived 
of  his  lands,  came  from  a  great  distance  to  solicit  the  aid  of  Davies. 
He  succeeded  in  his  application,  and  was  dismissed  with  an  as- 
surance that,  in  due  season,  the  lawyer  would  appear  for  his 
client  and  prevent  his  being  dispossessed. 

The  arena  of  contest  was,  as  has  been  intimated,  distant;  and 
hence  Davies  was  in  person  a  stranger  to  the  members  of  that 
court,  or  so  imperfectly  known  that  an  uncanonical  dress  would 
be  an  effectual  concealment.  His  client's  case  being  duly 
called,  matters  by  the  opposite  party  were  set  in  such  a  light  that 
a  verdict  from  the  jury,  and  a  decision  from  the  bench,  in  favour 
of  the  plaintiff  seemed  inevitable;  yet,  for  form's  sake,  the  de- 
fendant must  be  heard. 

The  poor  client  had  relied  so  entirely  on  Davies,  and  had  felt 
so  sure  of  being  secured  in  his  possessions,  as  to  have  neglected  to 

6  The  author  seems  here  to  speak  in  defense  of  General  Harrison  against 
charges  of  carelessness,  cowardice,  or  incompetency, — such  as  were  brought 
forward  by  Harrison's  political  opponents  in  the  famous  campaign  of 
1840.  The  charges  proved  to  be  a  boomerang,  since  Harrison's  career  as 
an  Indian  fighter"  on  the  frontier,  while  not  equal  to  that  of  Jackson,  had 
been  a  very  worthy  one  and  the  nickname  of  "Tippecanoe"  proved  to  be 
in  his  candidacy  for  the  Presidency  a  powerful  political  asset. 


358  FOURTH  YEAR 

obtain  any  other  legal  aid — and  still,  at  this  critical  moment  when 
he  was  to  be  summoned  for  his  defence — Davies  had  not  arrived ! 
Nay! — while  earnestly  straining  his  eyes,  the  client  was  even 
rudely  jostled  by  a  rough  chap  in  hunting  shirt  and  leather 
breeches,  who  carrying  a  heavy  rifle  in  his  hand  and  with  a 
racoon-skin  cap  slouched  over  his  face,  kept  squeezing  very  im- 
pudently even  among  the  laughing  and  good  natured  lawyers 
inside  the  bar;  where,  to  everybody's  diversion,  he  appropriated 
to  himself  a  seat  with  the  most  simple  and  awkward  naivete 
possible;  but  what  diversion  was  all  this  to  our  client  looking 
round  in  despair  for  his  lawyer!  Anr  then  when  the  judge  asked 
who  appeared  for  the  defendant,  what  amazement  must  have 
mingled  with  the  client's  despair  when  at  the  call  up  rose  that 
rude  hunter  and  replied : 
"I  do,  please  your  honour!" 

"You!" — replied  his  honour — "who  are  you,  sir?" 
"Joseph  Hamilton  Davies,  please  your  honor!" 
And  now,  after  that  heavy  rifle  was  slowly  placed  in  a  snug 
corner  of  the  bar,  and  that  skin  cap  was  removed  from  the  head, 
plain  enough  was  it  that  the  noble  face,  no  longer  concealed, 
was  his ;  the  talented,  the  philanthropic,  the  eccentric  Joe  Davies. 
Never  before  had  so  much  law  been  cased  in  a  hunting  shirt  and 
buckskins;  and  never  before  nor  since,  was,  or  has  been  a  diffi- 
cult cause  in  such  a  guise  pleaded  so  triumphantly :  for  the  entire 
superstructure  of  the  opposite  argument  was  completely  sub- 
verted, and  a  verdict  and  decision,  in  proper  time,  rendered  for 
the  defendant,  when  to  all  appearance  it  had  been  virtually  made, 
if  not  formally  declared,  for  his  antagonist. 

Alas !  noble  heart !  and  here  is  thy  very  grave !  Yes,  "J.  H.  D." 
is  here  in  the  bark — my  finger  is  in  the  rude  graving! — and  now 
at  the  root  of  the  tree  I  am  seated  making  my  notes!  The  last 
the  squatter  ever  saw  of  Joe  Davies  alive,  was  when  his  grey 
horse  was  plunging  in  the  furious  charge  down  this  hill — when 
the  sentinel,  already  named,  had  fired  and  called  "to  arms !"  And 
the  next  day  our  guide  helped  to  lay  Davies  in  this  grave;  and 
saw  his  name  transferred  to  the  living  monument  here  sheltering 

and  fanning  his  sepulchre!7 

****** 

7  Tippecanoe  was  won  at  a  heavy  cost.     "Col.  Owen  was  shot  as  he 


FOURTH  YEAR  359 

We  lingered  at  Tippecanoe  till  the  latest  possible  moment! — 
there  was,  in  the  wildness  of  the  battle-field — in  my  intimate  ac- 
quaintance with  some  of  its  actors — in  the  living  trees,  scarred 
and  hacked  with  bullet  and  hatchet,  and  marked  with  names  of 
the  dead — in  the  wind  so  sad  and  melancholy — something  so  like 
embodied  trances,  that  I  wandered  the  field  all  over,  here  stand- 
ing on  a  grave,  there  resting  on  a  decaying  bulwark ;  now  counting 
the  scars  of  trees,  now  the  skeleton  heads  of  horses;  finding  in 
one  spot  a  remnant  of  some  iron  weapon,  in  another,  the  bones  of 
a  slain  soldier  dragged,  perhaps,  by  wild  beasts  from  his  shal- 
low grave! — till  my  young  comrades  insisted  on  our  return  if  we 
expected  to  reach  our  friend's  house  before  the  darkness  of  night. 

Having,  accordingly,  deposited  in  my  valise  a  few  relics  and 
mementos,  we  rode  down  the  hill  into  the  prairie,  at  the  spot  poor 
Davies  was  seen  descending  and  leading  a  charge;  and  over  the 
very  ground  where  the  grassy  current  had  betrayed  the  danger- 
ous under-tide  of  painted  foes.  Hence  we  crossed  over  to  the 
town  whence  the  Indians  issued  for  the  attack, 8  and  where  the 


rode  with  the  commander  toward  the  point  of  the  first  attack;  Captain 
Spencer  (of  the  "Yellow  Jackets")  his  first  and  second  lieutenants,  and 
Captain  Warrick,  all  fell  in  this  first  onslaught ;  Joe  Davies  was  killed  in  an 
attempt  to  raise  the  Indians  by  a  cavalry  charge ;  Capt.  W.  'G.  Bean,  Lieut. 
Richard  McMahon,  Thomas  Berry,  Thomas  Randolph  and  Col.  Isaac 
White  also  fell.  Thirty-seven  men  lay  dead  in  the  field  and  twenty-five 
more  died  from  their  wounds  within  a  short  time.  One  hundred  and 
twenty-six  were  wounded,  including  Colonels  Bartholomew  and  Decker, 
and  Lieutenants  Peters  and  Godding.  The  numbers  of  the  Indians  en- 
gaged were  never  learned.  Thirty-eight  dead  warriors  were  left  on  the 
field."  Esarey's  History  of  Indiana,  Vol.  I,  p.  189.  Of  these  Tippecanoe 
soldiers  Owen,  Spencer,  Warrick,  Daviess,  Randolph,  Bartholomew,  White, 
and  Harrison  are  memorialized  by  having  counties  in  Indiana  named  for 
them.  Jo  Daviess,  the  eloquent  Kentucky  lawyer  dedicated  by  an  address 
and  gave  its  name  to  Ft.  Harrison,  the  rectangled  fort  of  block  houses 
near  Terre  Haute,  as  Harrison's  troops  were  marching  up  the  Wabash 
valley  from  Vincennes  to  the  scene  of  the  battle.  "Gen.  John  Tipton,  w*ho 
was  an  ensign  in  one  of  the  companies  engaged  in  the  battle,  afterwards 
purchased  the  battle  ground  from  the  Government  and  gave  it  to  the  State 
for  a  park.  It  is  now  so  held."  Smith,  Wm.  H.  History  of  Ind'wna, 
Vol.  I,  p.  in. 

8  Prophetstown,  near  LaFayette.  The  Indian  Prophet  was  a  brother  of 
Tecumseh.  "Tradition  has  it  that  the  Prophet  called  his  warriors  to 
council,  brought  out  the  Magic  Bowl,  the  Medean  Fire,  and  the  String  of 


360  FOURTH  YEAR 

wily  prophet  himself  remained  in  safety,  concocting  charms 
against  the  white  roan's  weapons!  After  this,  we  turned  down 
the  Wabash,  keeping  our  eyes  ever  directed  towards  the  mourn- 
ful island  of  wood  till  at  last  we  doubled  its  cape,  and  lost  sight 
of  Tippecanoe  for  ever! 

That  field,  however,  and  its  hero  of  North  Bend  are  immortal. 

BATTLE  OF  TIPPECANOE. 
Within  the  shelter  of  the  primal  wood, 

An  isle  amid  the  prairie's  flow'ry  sea, 
Upon  his  midnight  watch,  our  sentry  stood, 

Guarding  the  slumbers  of  the  brave  and  free; 
And  o'er  the  swellings  of  a  seeming  tide, 

Dim  sparkling  in  the  moonlight's  silv'ry  haze, 
The  soldier  oft,  distrusted,  far  and  wide, 

Sent  searching  looks,  or  fixed  his  steadfast  gaze. 

Long  had  he  watch'd;  and  still  each  grassy  wave 

Brought  nought  save  perfumes  to  the  tented  isle; 
Nor  sign  of  foe  the  fragrant  breezes  gave; 

Till  thoughts  of  cabin-home  his  sense  beguile, 
Far  from  the  wilds :  for  yet,  though  fix'd  intent, 

As  if  his  eyes  discerned  a  coming  host, 
Those  moisten'd  eyes  are  on  his  lov'd  ones  bent — 

He  sleeps  not;  but  he  dreams  upon  his  post. 

Soldier!  what  current  like  a  hast'ning  stream, 

Outstrips  the  flowing  of  yon  lagging  waves? 
Shake  off  the  fetters  of  thy  dream! 

Quick !  save  thy  comrades  from  their  bloody  graves ! 
He  starts ! — he  marks  the  prairie's  bosom  shake ! 

He  sees  that  current  to  the  woodland  near ! 
He  kneels — upleaps  and  cries — "Comrades,   awake ! 

To  arms !  to  arms ! — the  treach'rous  foe  is  here !" 

Sacred  Beans.  The  touch  of  these  talismans,  he  said,  made  the  warrior 
invulnerable.  After  a  trance  and  a  vision  he  told  them  the  time  for  the 
destruction!  of  the  white  men  had  come;  the  Great  Spirit  was  ready  to 
lead  them ;  and  he  would  protect  the  warrior  from  the  bullet  of  the  pale 
face.  The  war-song  and  the  dance  followed,  till,  in  a  fit  of  frenzy,  the 
warriors  seized  their  weapons  and  rushed  out,  a  leaderless  mob,  to  attack 
the  Americans."  Esarey,  History  of  Indiana,  Vol.  I,  p.  188.  Tecumseh  was 
not  in  the  fight,  but  was  in  the  South  engaged  in  the  task  of  organizing 
a  strong  Indian  confederacy.  It  is  said  that  upon  his  return  to  the  North- 
west he  reproved  his  brother  for  permitting  an  immature  attack  on 
General  Harrison. 


FOURTH  YEAR  361 

"Like    mountain    torrent,    furious    gushing, 
The  warrior  tribe  is  on  us  rushing, — 
With  weapons  in  their  red  hands  gleaming, 
And  charmed  banners  from  them  streaming ! 
To  arms !   to  arms !  ye  slumb'ring  brave ! 
To  arms ! — your  lives  and  honor  save !" 

Arm'd,  from  the  earth,  our  host  is  springing; 
Their  sabres  forth  from  sheaths  are  ringing; 
Their  chargers  mounted,  fierce  are  prancing; 
Their  serried  bay'nets  swift  advancing: — 
"Quick,  to  your  posts !"  the  general's  cry, 
Answered,  "We're  there,  to  do  or  die !" 

Hand  to  hand,  within  that  solemn  wood, 
For  life,  fought  warriors  true  and  good! 
The  hatchet  through  the  brain  went  crushing ! 
The  bay'net  brought  the  heart  blood  gushing! 
On  arrows'  feather'd  wings  death  went, 
Or  swift,  at  the  rifle  flash,  was  sent  , 
Till  victor  shouts  the  air  was  rending, 
And  groans  the  wounded  forth  were  sending! 
"Charge!  soldiers,  charge!"  brave  Davies  shouted; 
They  charg'd ;  the  yelling  foe  was  routed : — 
Yet  long  before  that  foe  was  flying, 
That    hero,    on   the   plain,    was    dying! 

That  prairie  lake  rolls  peaceful  waves  no  more; 

Its  bosom  rages  'neath  a  tempest  pow'r — 
See !  driven  midst  it,  from  the  woodland  shore, 

Fierce  bands  rush  vanquish'd  from  a  deadly  show'r! 
And  gleaming  steel,  and  lead  and  iron  hail 

Pour  vengeful  out  of  war's  dark  sky, 
'Mid  shriek,  and  fright,  and  groan,  and  dying  wail, 

And  triumph's  voice,  "Charge  home !  they  fly  " 

Solemn  the  pomp  where  mourning  heroes  tread 

With  arms  revers'd,  and  measur'd  step,  and  slow ! 
Sadly,  yet  proud,  is  borne  their  comrade  dead, 

Their  warlike  ensigns  bound  with  badge  of  woe! 
Sublime,  though  plaintive,  pours  the  clarion's  tone! 

The  heart,  while  bow'd,  is  stirred  by  muffled  drum ! 
But  stand  within  that  far-off  wild  wood  lone, 

Where  prairie  scented  winds,  with  drugs,  come, 
Where  the  rough  bark,  rude  grav'd  with  hunter's  knife, 

Points  to  the  spot  where  Davies  rests  below, 
And  relics  scatter'd,  tell  of  bloodiest  strife — 

Heart  gushing  tears  from  dimming  eyes  must  flow ! 


362  FOURTH  YEAR 

And  round  thy  mournful  bier,  our  v/arrier  sage! 

Who  rushing  reckless  to  each  fiercest  fight, 
Didst   fall  a  victim   to   no   foeman's   rage 

Amid  the  carnage  of  that  fearful  night, 
A  nation,  yet  in  tears,  has  smitten  stood 

Grieving  o'er  thee  with  loud  and  bitter  cry! 
Rest  thee,  our  hero  of  that  island  wood ! 

Worthy  in  thine  own  ransom'd  West  to  lie ! 
When  floating  down  Ohio's  grand  old  wave, 

Our  eyes  shall  turn  to  where  his  forests  stand, 
Stretching  dark  branches  o'er  our  chieftain's  grave 

Father  and  saviour  of  the  Western's  land ! 


CHAPTER  XLVII. 

"For  now  I  stand  as  one  upon  a  rock 
Environed  with  a  wilderness  of  sea." 

LATE  at  night  we  arrived  safe  at  Dr.  Charille's.  The  next 
day  we  set  out  for  Woodville,  choosing  on  the  return  other  paths, 
to  avoid  former  difficulties  and  dangers ;  by  which  prudence,  how- 
ever, we  only  reversed  matters ;  for  instance,  instead  of  water 
before  a  swamp,  we  got  the  swamp  before  the  water.  And,  also, 
we  thus  often  set  out  before  day-light  in  the  dark,  instead  of 
travelling  in  the  dark  after  day-light — travelling  occasionally  to 
reach  a  settlement  in  the  dark  at  both  ends  of  the  day.  Besides 
our  new  route  threw  us  away  up  Nut  Creek,  where,  contrary  to  all 
expectation,  it  was  found  necessary  either  to  swim  below  a  mill- 
dam,  or  be  canoed  across  above  the  dam.  The  latter  was  our 
choice;  and  as  it  afforded  a  pleasant  variety  in  the  horse  and  log 
navigation,  we  shall  give  the  adventure  and  then  skip  all  the  way 
to  Woodville. 

The  whole  plain  *  of  water  to  be  crossed  was  about  one  hundred 
and  twenty  yards  wide.  But  it  consisted  of  three  divisions,  the 
Creek  Proper,  twenty  yards  wide  and  now  eighteen  feet  deep; 
and  two  lagoons,  each  full,  on  opposite  sides  of  the  creek,  and 
averaging  each  fifty  yards  in  width,  although  in  most  places,  the 
banks  being  low,  the  lagoons  could  not  be  distinguished  from  the 
creek,  but  the  three  divisions  seemed  one  water,  lake,  or  sea.  Our 
transit  spot  was  a  place,  where,  from  the  edge  of  the  hither  lagoon 

1  Aequor  is  classic  and  poetic  authority. 


FOURTH  YEAR  363 

could  be  discerned  by  a  careful  observer,  a  modest  little  grassy 
mound  in  the  water,  a  kind  of  frog-island,  which  the  miller  said 
was  the  nearest  bank  of  the  creek ;  and  that  from  this  mound 
another  on  the  opposite  bank  could  be  discovered,  or  nearly  so. 
And  nothing,  he  said,  would  be  easier  for  us  than  first  to  ford  over 
the  lagoon  to  the  nearest  mound,  where  he  would  meet  us  in  a 
canoe :  that  here  we  could  strip  our  horses,  and  thence  by  turns 
every  thing  could  be  transported  to  the  farther  mound,  whence,  all 
matters  re-arranged,  we  could  ford  the  distant  lagoon,  and  so  come 
finally  to  the  dry  land  on  the  opposite  hill  beyond  the  bottom. 

This  certainly  was  plausible,  if  not  captivating;  especially 
should  not  the  horses  become  entangled  in  the  brush  and  vines, 
forming  tolerable  fish-nets  under  water,  and  should  the  lagoons 
be  only  four  feet  deep.  They  certainly  looked,  to  judge  from  the 
surface  water  up  the  trunks  of  trees,  somewhere  about  six  feet 
deep ;  but  then  both  the  millerman  and  his  son  were  "right  down 
sartin,  it  wan't  more  nor  four  feet  no  place,  nor  it  moughn't  be 
that  deep,  except  in  them  'are  blasted  holes !" 

Receiving  ample  direction  for  circumnavigating  the  holes  afore- 
said, we  took  aim  for  the  first  isle-of-bank,  and  were  soon  so 
well  in  for  it,  that  the  difficulty  and  peril  of  going  backward  and 
forward  were  equal;  and  therefore,  we  worked  onward,  tacking 
incessantly  every  way  to  avoid  logs,  trees,  and  vines,  and  in  awe 
all  the  while  of  "them  'are  holes,"  till  we  began  to  rise  once  more 
in  the  world,  and  stood  sublime  in  the  very  middle  of  Frog-land ! 

Believe  me,  reader !  it  was  not  void  of  uneasiness,  we  thus  sun- 
dered from  the  world,  looked  back  on  the  woods  just  left,  and 
standing  partly  in  and  partly  out  of  the  water !  while,  at  our  feet, 
and  separated  by  a  strip  of  grass,  swept  along  in  the  pride  and 
fury  of  risen  waters,  the  creek  itself,  curling  amply  over  a  few 
inches  of  the  still  visible  dam,  and  shaking  and  tearing  away  with 
its  yet  rising  tide  our  little  territory !  And  that  canoe !  a  tiny  log 
shell,  to  transport  us  to  the  other  lagoon,  where  four  feet  water, 
logs,  trees,  vines  and  holes  must  be  encountered  again!  How 
like  the  realms  of  Pluto!  and  we,  how  like  terrified  ghosts  await- 
ing a  passage  across  the  Styx  in  the  rickety  bark  of  Charon ! 

All  ready,  I  attempted,  bridle  in  hand,  to  step  into  the  canoe, 


364  FOURTH  YEAR 

but  by  some  awkwardness,  I  stumbled  into  the  far  end,  and  thus 
so  violently  jerked  the  rein,  that  my  creature  soused  in,  and 
descended  almost  the  length  of  the  bridle ;  but  by  the  time  she  gave 
her  first  snortings,  on  regaining  the  air,  our  log  was  over,  and  the 
creature  (i.  e.  equa)  was  pawing  up  the  isle-of-bank  number  2. 
Here  we  remained  till  Mr.  Frank  and  his  horse  arrived,  and  a 
third  trip  had  brought  our  saddles  and  baggage;  and  then,  duly 
prepared,  we  forded  lagoon  the  second,  and  in  proper  season 
gained  our  wished  for  hill,  and 

"What  stuff!" 

"What  stuff?"  gentle  reader,  what  better,  could  you  do  with 
a  mud  and  water  subject?" 

"Yes — but  what's  the  use  of  such  things  ?" 

La !  that's  so  like  what  Aunt  Kitty  said,  when  I  got  to  Wood- 
ville,  all  dirty  and  tired — my  new  boots  thick  with  exterior  mud 
— my  best  coat  altogether  spoiled — my  fur  hat  crushed  into  fancy 
shapes,  and  the  seat  of  my  corduroy  inexpressibles  abraded  to  the 
finest  degree  of  tenuosity  at  all  consistent  with  comfort  and 
decorum ! 


CHAPTER   XLVIII. 

"And  it  came  to  pass  at  noon,  that  Elijah  mocked  them." 

Vide  an  Ancient  Record. 

" Let  me  see  wherein 

My  tongue  hath  wrong'd  him :  if  it  do  him  right, 
Then  he  hath  wrong'd  himself: — if  he  be  free, 
Why  then,  my  taxing,  like  a  wild  goose  flies, 
Unclaimed  of  any  man." 

ON  the  last  day  of  the  return  to  Woodville,  we  met  at  inter- 
vals during  the  final  half-dozen  miles,  not  less  than  one  dozen 
wagons,  large  and  small,  and  partially  loaded,  some  with  beds  and 
bedding,  and  some  with  culinary  utensils ;  the  interstices  being  filled 
with  a  wedging  of  human  bodies — men,  women,  and  children, 
some  laughing  and  talking,  others  solemn  and  demure. 

They  seemed  at  first  view  settlers,  who,  having  sold  to  advan- 
tage old  farms,  were  flitting  to  where  wood  and  game  were  more 
abundant,  and  neighbours  not  crowded  offensively  under  other's 


FOURTH  YEAR  365 

noses,  as  near  as  one  or  two  miles.  But  soon  appeared  people 
riding  once,  twice,  and  even  thrice  on  a  horse;  and  some  kind- 
hearted  horses,  like  the  nameless  one,  were  carrying  on  their  backs 
whole  families;  and  then^it  was  plain  enough  what  was  meant — a 
big  meeting  was  to  come  off  somewhere.  And  shortly  all  doubt 
was  at  an  end,  when  familiar  soprano  and  alto  voices  from  under 
wagon  covers,  and  out  of  scoop-shovelled  bonnets  came  forth  thus 
— "How'd  do!  Mr.  Carlton — come,  won't  you  go  to  camp 
meetin?"  And  then  sounded,  from  extra  devotional  parties  and 
individuals,  snatches  of  favourite  religious  songs,  fixed  to  trumpet 
melodies,  such  as  "Glory !  glory,  glory !" — "He's  a  coming,  coming, 
coming!" — "Come,  let  us  march  on,  march  on,  march  on!"  and 
the  like;  and  the  saintly  voices  were  ever  and  anon  oddly  com- 
mingled with  some  very  unsanctimonious  laughing,  not  intended 
for  irreverence,  but  not  properly  suppressed  a.t  some  illtimed  joke 
in  another  quarter,  related  perhaps,  yet  more  probably  practiced. 
For  nothing  excels  the  fun  and  frolic,  where  two  or  three  dozen 
half-tamed  young  gentlemen  and  ladies,  mounted  on  spirited  and 
mischievous  horses  set  out  together  to  attend  a  Mormon,  a  Shak- 
ing-quaker,  or  a  Millery  or  a  Camp-meeting. 

At  the  very  edge  of  Woodville,  too,  there  met  us  a  comfortable 
looking  middle-aged  woman,  who  was  riding  a  horse,  and  was 
without  any  bonnet;  her  other  apparel  being  in  some  disorder, 
and  her  hair  illy  done  up  and  barely  restrained  by  a  horn  comb. 
She  thus  addressed  me : — 
"I  say,  Mister,  you  haint  seen  nara  bonnit?" 
"Bonnet! — no,  ma'am;  have  you  lost  your  bonnet?" 
"Yes — I've  jist  had  a  powerful  exercise  over  thare  in  the  Court- 
house; and  when  I  kim  to,  I  couldn't  see  my  bonnit  no  whare 

about " 

"Has  there  been  meeting  in  the  Court-house  lately?" 

"Oh!  Lord  bless  you,  most  powerful  time — and  it's  there  I've 

jist  got  religion " 

"And  lost  your  bonnet?" 

"Yes,  sir, — but  some  said  as  it  maybe  mought  a-gone  on  to 
camp  with  somebody's  plunder:  you  didn't  see  or  hear  tell  on  it, 
did  you?" 

"No,  I  did  not ;  but  had  you  really  no  power  over  your  bonnet, 
ma'am?" 


366  FOURTH  YEAR 

"Well !  now  ! — who  ever  heern  of  a  body  in  a  exercise  a  thinkin 
on  a  bonnit!  Come,  mister,  you'd  better  turn  round  and  go  to 
camp  and  git  religion  yourself,  I  allow — thar's  whar  all  the  town 
a'most  and  all  the  settlements  round  is  agoin — but  I'll  have  to 
whip  up  and  look  after  my  bonnit — good  bye,  mister !" 

And  so  all  Woodville  and  its  vicinities  were  in  the  ferment  of 
departure  for  a  camp-meeting!  Now  as  this  was  to  be  a  big 
meeting  of  the  biggest  size,  and  all  the  crack  preachers  within  a 
circle  of  three  hundred  miles  were  to  be  present,  and  also  a 
celebrated  African  exhorter  from  Kentucky;  and  as  much  was 
said  about  ''these  heaven-directed,  and  heaven-blessed,  and  heaven- 
approved  campings;"  and  as  I,  by  a  constant  refusal  to  attend 
heretofore,  had  become  a  suspected  character,  it  being  often  said, 
— "yes, — Carlton's  a  honest  sort  of  man,  but  why  don't  he  go  out 
to  camp  and  git  religion  ?" — I  determined  now  to  go. 

Why  whole  families  should  once  or  twice  a  year  break  up  for 
two  weeks ;  desert  domestic  altars ;  shut  up  regular  churches ;  and 
take  away  children  from  school;  why  cook  lots  of  food  at  extra 
trouble  and  with  ill-bestowed  expense ;  why  rush  to  the  woods  and 
live  in  tents,  with  peril  to  health  and  very  often  ultimately  with 
loss  of  life  to  feeble  persons;  why  folks  should  do  these  and 
other  things  under  a  belief  that  the  Christian  God  is  a  God  of  the 
woods  and  not  of  the  towns,  of  the  tents  and  not  of  the  churches, 
of  the  same  people  in  a  large  and  disorderly  crowd  and  not  in  one 
hundred  separate  and  orderly  congregations — why  ?  why  ?  I  had  in 
my  simplicity  repeatedly  asked,  and  received  for  answer: 

"Oh !  come  and  see !  Only  come  to  camp  and  git  your  cold  heart 
warmed — come  git  religion — let  it  out  with  a  shout — and  you'll 
not  axe  them  infidel  sort  of  questions  no  more." 

This  was  conclusive.  And  like  the  vicar  of  Wakefield,  I  re- 
solved not  always  to  be  wise,  but  for  once  to  float  with  a  tide 
neither  to  be  stemmed  nor  directed.  A  friend,  learned  in  these 
spiritual  affairs,  advised  me  not  to  go  till  Saturday  night,  or  so 
as  to  be  on  the  ground  by  daylight  on  Sunday.  This  I  did,  and  was 
handsomely  rewarded  by  seeing  and  hearing  some  very  extraordi- 
nary conversions — as  far  as  they  went ;  and  also  some  wonderful 
scenes  and  outcries. 

The  camp  was  an  old  and  favourite  ground,  eight  miles  from 


FOURTH  YEAR  367 

Woodville.  .It  had  been  the  theatre  of  many  a  spirit-stirring 
drama;  and  there,  too,  many  a  harvest  of  glory  had  been  reaped 
in  battling  with  "the  devil  and  his  legions."  Yet  wonderful !  his 
satanic  majesty  never  became  shy  of  a  spot  where  he  was  said 
always  to  have  the  worst  of  the  fight !  and  now  it  was  commonly 
said  and  believed  that  a  prodigious  great  contest  was  to  come  off ; 
and  hell-defying  challenges  had  been  given  in  some  Woodville 
pulpits  for  Satan  to  come  out  and  do  his  prettiest.  Nay,  by  cer- 
tain prophets  that  seemed  to  have  the  gift  of  discerning  spirits,  it 
was  "allowed  the  ole  boy  was  now  out  at  camp  2  in  great  force — 
that  some  powerful  rights  would  be  seen,  but  that  the  ole  fellow 
would  agin  and  agin  git  the  worst  of  it." 

The  camp  proper  was  a  parallelogramic  clearing,  and  was  most 
of  the  day  shaded  by  the  superb  forest  trees,  which  admitted, 
here  and  there,  a  little  mellow  sunshine  to  gleam  through  the 
dense  foliage  upon  their  own  dark  forms  quivering  in  a  kind  of 
living  shadow  over  the  earth.  At  night,  the  camp  was  illuminated 
by  lines  of  fires  kindled  and  duly  sustained  on  the  tops  of  many 
altars  and  columns  of  stone  and  log-masonry — a  truly  noble  and 
grand  idea,  peculiar  to  the  West.  Indeed,  to  the  imaginative, 
there  is  very  much  to  bewitch  in  the  poetry  and  romance  of  a 
Western  camp-meeting : — the  wildness,  the  gloom,  the  grandeur  of 
our  forests — the  gleaming  sunlight  by  day,  as  if  good  spirits  were 
smiling  on  the  sons  of  light  in  their  victories  over  the  children 
of  darkness — the  clear  blue  sky  like  a  dome  over  the  tents — that 
dome,  at  night,  radiant  with  golden  stars,  like  glories  of  heaven 
streaming  through  the  apertures  of  the  concave !  And  the  moon ! 
— how  like  a  spirit  world,  a  residence  of  ransomed  ones!  The 
very  tents,  too! — formed  like  booths  at  the  feast  of  tabernacles, 
and  seeming  to  be  full  of  joyous  hearts — a  community  having  all 
things  common,  dead  to  the  world,  just  ready  to  enter  heaven! 
And  when  the  trumpet  sounded  for  singing! — the  enthusiastic 
performance  of  child-like  tunes,  poured  from  the  hearts  of  two 
thousand  raptured  devotees,  till  the  bosom  of  the  wilderness 
trembles  and  rejoices  while  it  rolls  over  its  wooded  hills  and 

2  Candour  obliges  me  to  say  these  "allowings"  and  predictions  were 
true — the  devil  did  seem  to  be  out  there  in  pretty  great  force.  I  cannot 
say  so  positively  about  his  defeats. 


368  FOURTH  YEAR 

through  its  dark  valleys  the  echo  of  the  paean  witih  the  peal  of 
deep  thunder  and  the  roar  of  rushing  whirlwinds ! 

Under  the  direction  of  wise  and  talented  men,  a  campmeeting 
may  possibly  be  a  means  of  a  little  permanent  good ;  but,  with  the 
best  management,  it  is  a  doubtful  means  of  much  moral  and 
spiritual  good — nay,  it  cannot  long  be  used  in  a  cautious  and  sober 
way.  In  religion,  as  in  all  other  affairs,  where  the  main  depen- 
dence is  on  expedients  to  reach  the  moral  man  through  the  fancy 
and  imagination,  what  begins  in  poetry  must  soon  end  in  prose. 
Nay,  if  a  religious  meeting  be  protracted  beyond  one  or  two  days, 
novelties  must  be  introduced ;  and  such  are  invariably  exciting  and 
entertaining,  but  never  spiritual  and  instructive ;  if  not  introduced, 
the  meeting  becomes,  in  the  opinion  of  the  majority,  stale.  Heat, 
and  flame,  and  smoke,  constitute,  with  most,  "a  good  meeting." 
Nay  again,  and  yea  also,  the  final  result  of  man-contrived  means 
and  measures  is  at  war  with  true  courtesy,  uncensorious  feelings, 
the  cheerful  discharge  of  daily  secular  duties,  and  the  culture  of 
the  intellect.  The  whole  is  selfish  in  tendency  and  promotive  of 
presumptuous  confidence,  and  a  contemptible  self-righteousness. 
Adequate  reasons  enough  may  be  assigned  for  the  popularity  of 
camp-meetings,  and  none  of  them  essentially  religious  or  even 
praise-worthy;  although  many  essentially  worthy  and  religious 
persons  both  advocate  and  attend  such  places;  for  instance,  the 
love  of  variety  and  novelty — the  desire  of  excitements — roman- 
tic feelings — tedium  of  common  every-day  life — love  of  good  fel- 
lowship— and  even  a  willingness  to  obtain  a  cheap  religious  char- 
acter— and,  also,  a  secret  hope  that  we  please  God  and  merit 
heaven  for  so  extraordinary  and  long-continued  devotion.  Add, 
our  innate  love  of  pageantry,  inclining  us  not  only  to  behold  scenes 
but  to  make  and  be  a  part  of  scenes ;  for  even  in  this  sense — "All 
the  world's  a  stage,  and  all  the  men  and  women  merely  players." 

A  camp-meeting  might,  indeed,  be  reformed ;  and  so  might  the 
theatre — but  the  one  event  is  no  more  probable  than  the  other: 
and  as  a  reformed  theatre  would  be  little  visited,  so  we  apprehend 
would  be  a  reformed  camp-meeting.  The  respective  abuses  of 
both  are  essential  to  their  existence.  But  this  is  digressing. 

The  tents  were  in  a  measure  permanent  fixtures,  the  uprights  and 
cross  pieces  remaining  from  season  to  season;  but  now  all  were 


FOURTH  YEAR  369 

garnished  with  fresh  and  green  branches  and  coverings.  These 
tents  formed  the  sides  of  the  parallelogram,  intervals  being  left 
in  suitable  places  for  alleys  and  scaffolds;  while  in  the  woods 
were  other  more  soldierly-looking  tents  of  linen  or  canvass,  and 
pitched  in  true  war  style;  although  not  a  few  tents  were  mere 
squares  of  sheets,  coverlets  and  table-cloths.  Also  for  tents  were 
up  propped  some  twenty  or  thirty  carts  and  wagons,  and  fur- 
nished with  a  chair  or  two,  and  some  sort  of  sleeping  apparatus. 
In  the  rear  of  the  regular  tents,  and,  indeed,  of  many  others, 
were  places  and  fixtures  for  kindling  a  fire  and  boiling  water  for 
coffee,  tea,  chocolate,  &c.  &c. — a  few  culinary  operations  being  yet 
needed  beyond  the  mountains  of  food  brought  from  home  ready 
for  demolition. 

Indeed,  a  camp-meeting  out  there  is  the  most  mammoth  picnic- 
possible;  and  it  is  one's  own  fault,  saint  or  sinner,  if  he  gets  not 
enough  to  eat,  and  that  the  best  the  land  affords.  It  would  be 
impossible  even  for  churlish  persons  to  be  stingy  in  the  open  air ; 
the  ample  sky  above  and  the  boundless  woods  around ;  the  wings 
of  gay  birds  flashing  in  sunshine,  and  the  squirrels  racing  up 
gigantic  trunks  and  barking  and  squeaking  amid  the  grand 
branches ;  and  what  then  must  be  the  effect  of  all  on  the  proverb- 
ially open-hearted  native  born  Westerns?  Ay!  the  native  Corn- 
Cracker,  Hoosier,  Buckeye,  and  all  men  and  women  "born  in  a 
cane-brake  and  rocked  in  a  sugar  trough," — all  born  to  follow 
a  trail  and  cock  an  old  fashioned  lock-rifle, — all  such  are  open- 
hearted,  fearless,  generous,  chivalric,  even  in  spite  of  much  filth 
and  scum  and  base  leaven  from  foreign  places.  And  hence,  al- 
though no  decided  friend  to  camp-meetings,  spiritually  and  mor- 
ally and  theologically  considered,  we  do  say  that  at  a  Western 
camp-meeting  as  at  a  barbecue,  the  very  heart  and  soul  of  hos- 
pitality and  kindness  is  wide  open  and  poured  freely  forth.  We 
can,  maybe,  equal  it  in  here ;  but  we  never  try.3 

Proceed  we  now  to  things  spiritual.  And  first,  we  give  notice 
that  attention  will  be  paid  only  to  grand  matters  and  that  very 
many  episodial  things  are  omitted,  such  as  incidental  exhortations 

3  If  folks  like  the  "New  Purchase,"  we  shall  write  "The  Old  Purchase" 
— in  which  work  things  in  here  will  receive  justice. 


370  FOURTH  YEAR 

and  prayers  from  authorized,  as  well  as  unauthorized  folks,  male 
and  female,  whose  spirits  often  suddenly  stirred,  and  not  to  be 
controlled  like  those  of  old-fashioned  prophets,  forced  our  friends 
to  speak  out,  like  quaker  ladies  and  gentlemen  in  reformed  meet- 
ings, and  even  when  they  have  nothing  to  say;  and  also  will  be 
omitted  all  irregular  outcries,  groans,  shouts,  and  bodily  exercises, 
subordinate,  indeed,  to  grand  chorusses  and  contests,  but  other- 
wise beginning  without  adequate  cause  and  ending  in  nothing. 

The  camp  was  furnished  with  several  stands  for  preaching, 
exhorting,  jumping  and  jerking;  but  still  one  place  was  the  pulpit 
above  all  others.  This  was  a  large  scaffold  secured  between  two 
noble  sugar  trees,  and  railed  in  to  prevent  from  falling  over  in  a 
swoon,  or  springing  over  in  an  ecstasy ;  its  cover  the  dense  foliage 
of  the  trees  whose  trunks  formed  the  graceful  and  massive  col- 
umns. Here  was  said  to  be  also  the  altar — but  I  could  not  see  its 
Horns  or  any  sacrifice;  and  the  pen,  which  I  did  see — a  place  full 
of  clean  straw,  where  were  put  into  fold  stray  sheep  willing  to 
return.  It  was  at  this  pulpit,  with  its  altar  and  pen,  the  regular 
preaching  was  done;  around  here  the  congregation  assembled; 
hence  orders  were  issued ;  here,  happened  the  hardest  fights  and 
were  gained  the  greatest  victories,  being  the  spot  where  it  was 
understood  Satan  fought  in  person ;  and  here  could  be  seen  ges- 
tures the  most  frantic,  and  heard  noises  the  most  unimaginable, 
and  often  the  most  appalling.  It  was  the  place,  in  short,  where 
most  crowded  either  with  praiseworthy  intentions  of  getting 
some  religion,  or  with  unholy  purposes  of  being  amused ;  we  of 
course  designing  neither  one  nor  the  other,  but  only  to  see  philo- 
sophically and  make  up  an  opinion.  At  every  grand  outcry  a 
simultaneous  rush  would,  however,  take  place  from  all  parts  of  the 
camp,  proper  and  improper,  towards  the  pulpit,  altar,  and  pen; 
till  the  crowding,  by  increasing  the  suffocation  and  the  fainting, 
would  increase  the  tumult  and  the  uproar ;  but  this  in  the  estima- 
tion of  many  devotees  only  rendered  the  meeting  more  lively  and 
interesting. 

By  considering  what  was  done  at  this  central  station  one  may 
approximate  the  amount  of  spiritual  labour  done  in  a  day,  and 
then  a  week  in  the  whole  camp: 

i.  About   day-break   on   Sabbath   a   horn   blasted  us   up   for 


FOURTH  YEAR  371 

public  prayer  and  exhortation — the  exercises  continuing  nearly 
two  hours. 

2.  Before   breakfast,   another   blast    for   family  and  private 
prayer;  and  then  every  tent  became,  in  camp  language,  "a  bethel 
of   struggling  Jacobs   and  prevailing  Israels;"   every  tree   "an 
altar ;"  and  every  grove  "a  secret  closet ;"  till  the  air  all  became  re- 
ligious words  and  phrases,  and  vocal  with  "Amens." 

3.  After  a  proper  interval  came  a  horn  for  the  forenoon  service ; 
then  was  delivered  the  sermon,  and  that  followed  by  an  appendix 
of  some  half  dozen  exhortations  let  off  right  and  left,  and  even 
behind  the  pulpit,  that  all  might  have  a  portion  in  due  season. 

4.  We  had  private  and  secret  prayer  again  before  dinner; — 
some  clambering  into  thick  trees  to  be  hid,  but  forgetting  in  their 
simplicity,  that  they  were  heard  and  betrayed.    But  religious  de- 
votion *  excuses  all  errors  and  mistakes. 

5.  The  afternoon  sermon  with  its  bob-tail  string  of  exhortations. 

6.  Private  and  family  prayer  about  tea  time. 

7.  But  lastly,  we  had  what  was  termed  "a  precious  season"  in 
the  third  regular  service  at  the  principia  of  the  camp.    This  season 
began  not  long  after  tea  and  was  kept  up  long  after  I  left  the 
ground ;  which  was  about  midnight.    And  now  sermon  after  ser- 
mon and  exhortation  after  exhortation   followed  like  shallow, 
foaming,  roaring  waters ;  till  the  speakers  were  exhausted  and  the 
assembly  became  an  uneasy  and  billowy  mass,  now  hushing  to  a 
sobbing  quiescence,  and  now  rousing  by  the  groans  of  sinners  and 
the  triumphant  cries  of  folks  that  had  "jist  got  religion ;"  and  then, 
again  subsiding  to  a  buzzy  state  occasioned  by  the  whimpering 
and  whining  voices  of  persons  giving  spiritual  advice  and  com- 
fort !    How  like  a  volcanic  crater  after  the  evomition  of  its  lava 
in  a  fit  of  burning  cholic,  and  striving  to  re-settle  its  angry  and 
tumultuating  stomach ! 

It  is  time,  however,  to  speak  of  the  three  grand  services  and 
their  concomitants,  and  to  introduce  several  master  spirits  of  the 
camp. 

Our  first  character,  is  the  Reverend  Elder  Sprightly.     This 

4  A  man  may  make  a  fool  of  himself  in  worship  in  a  Christian  land, 
and  be  deemed  a  saint;  when  he  does  so  in  Pagan  worship,  we  call  him 
a  sinner.  Six  of  one  and  so  forth. 


372  FOURTH  YEAR 

gentleman  was  of  good  natural  parts;  and  in  a  better  school  of 
intellectual  discipline  and  more  fortunate  circumstances,  he  must 
have  become  a  worthy  minister  of  some  more  tasteful,  literary, 
and  evangelical  sect.  As  it  was,  he  had  only  become,  what  he 
never  got  beyond — "a  very  smart  man ;"  and  his  aim  had  become 
one — to  enlarge  his  own  people.  And  in  this  work,  so  great  was 
his  success,  that,  to  use  his  own  modest  boastfulness  in  his  ser- 
mon today, — "although  folks  said  when  he  came  to  the  Purchase 
that  a  single  corn-crib  would  hold  his  people,  yet,  bless  the  Lord, 
they  had  kept  spreading  and  spreading  till  all  the  corn-cribs  in 
Egypt  wern't  big  enough  to  hold  them !" 

He  was  very  happy  at  repartee,  as  Robert  Dale  Owen  well 
knows;  and  not  "slow"  (inexpert)  in  the  arts  of  "taking  off" — 
and — "giving  them  their  own."  This  trait  we  shall  illustrate  by  an 
instance. 

Mr.  Sprightly  was,  by  accident,  once  present  where  a  Camp- 
bellite  Baptist,  that  had  recently  taken  out  a  right  for  administer- 
ing six  doses  of  lobelia,  red  pepper  and  steam,  to  men's  bodies, 
and  a  plunge  into  cold  water  for  the  good  of  their  souls,  was 
holding  forth  against  all  Doctors,  secular  and  sacred,  and  very 
fiercely  against  Sprightly's  brotherhood.  Doctor  Lobelia's  text 
was  found  somewhere  in  Pope  Campbell's  New  Testament;  as  it- 
suited  the  following  discourse  introduced  with  the  usual  inspired 
preface : — 

DOCTOR  LOBELIA'S  SERMON. 

"Well,  I  never  rub'd  my  back  agin  a  collige,  nor  git  no  sheep- 
skin, and  allow  the  Apostuls  didn't  nithur.  Did  anybody  ever 
hear  of  Peter  and  Poll  a-goin  to  them  new-fangled  places  and 
gitten  skins  to  preach  by  ?  No,  sirs,  I  allow  not ;  no  sirs,  we  don't 
pretend  to  loguk — this  here  new  testament's  sheepskin  enough  for 
me.  And  don't  Prisbeteruns  and  tother  baby  sprinklurs  have 
reskorse  to  loguk  and  skins  to  show  how  them  what's  emerz'd 
go  down  into  the  water  and  come  up  agin  ?  And  as  to  Sprightly's 
preachurs,  don't  they  dress  like  big-bugs,  and  go  ridin  about  the 
Purchis  on  hunder-dollar  hossis,  a-spunginin  on  poor  priest-riden 
folks  and  and  a-eaten  fried  chicken  fixins  so  powerful  fast  that 
chickens  has  got  skerse  in  these  diggins;  and  them  what  ain't 
fried  makes  tracks  and  hides  when  they  sees  them  a-comin? 


FOURTH  YEAR  373 

"But,  dear  Bruthrun,  we  don't  want  store  cloth  and  yaller  but- 
tins,  and  fat  bosses  and  chickin  fixins,  and  the  like  doins — no,  sirs ! 
we  only  wants  your  souls — we  only  wants  beleevur's  baptism — 
we  wants  prim — prim — yes,  Apostul's  Christianity,  the  Christianity 
of  Christ  and  them  times,  when  Christians  was  Christians,  and 
tuk  up  thare  cross  and  went  down  into  the  water,  and  was  buried 
in  the  gineine  sort  of  baptism  by  emerzhin.  That's  all  we  wants ; 
and  I  hope  all's  convinced  that's  the,  true  way — and  so  let  all  come 
right  out  from  among  them  and  git  beleevur's  baptism;  and  so 
now  if  any  brother  wants  to  say  a  word  I'm  done,  and  I'll  make 
way  for  him  to  preach." 

Anticipating  this  common  invitation,  our  friend  Sprightly,  in- 
dignant at  this  unprovoked  attack  of  Doctor  Lobelia,  had,  in  order 
to  disguise  himself,  exchanged  his  clerical  garb  for  a  friend's  blue 
coatee  bedizzened  with  metal  buttons ;  anl  also  had  erected  a  very 
tasteful  and  sharp  coxcomb  on  his  head,  out  of  hair  usually  re- 
posing sleek  and  quiet  in  the  most  saint-like  decorum ;  and  then, 
at  the  bid  from  the  pulpit-stump,  out  stepped  Mr.  Sprightly  from 
the  opposite  spice-wood  grove,  and  advanced  with  a  step  so 
smirky  and  dandyish  as  to  create  universal  amazement  and  whis- 
pered demands — "Why!  who's  that?!"  And  some  of  his  very 
people,  who  were  present,  as  they  told  me,  did  not  know  their 
preacher  till  his  clear,  sharp  voice,  came  upon  the  hearing,  when 
they  showed,  by  the  sudden  lifting  of  hands  and  eyebrows,  how 
near  they  were  to  exclaiming — "Well !  I  never ! !" 

Stepping  on  to  the  consecrated  stump,  our  friend,  without  either 
preliminary  hymn  or  prayer,  commenced  thus : — 

"My  friends,  I  only  intend  to  say  a  few  words  in  answer  to  the 
pious  brother  that's  just  sat  down,  and  shall  not  detain  you  but  a 
few  minutes.  The  pious  brother  took  a  good  deal  of  time  to  tell 
what  we  soon  found  out  ourselves — that  he  never  went  to  college, 
and  don't  understand  logic.  He  boasts  too  of  having  no  sheep- 
skin to  preach  by ;  but  I  allow  any  sensible  buck-sheep  would  have 
died  powerful  sorry,  if  he'd  ever  thought  his  hide  would  come 
to  be  handled  by  some  preachers.  The  skin  of  the  knowingest  old 
buck  couldn't  do  some  folks  any  good — some  things  salt  won't 
save. 

"I  rather  allow  Johnny  Calvin's  boys  and  '  'tother  baby  sprink- 


374  FOURTH  YEAR 

lers,'  ain't  likely  to  have  they  idees  physicked  out  of  them  by 
steam  logic,  and  doses  of  No.  6.  They  can't  be  steamed  up  so 
high  as  to  want  cooling  by  a  cold  water  plunge.  But  I  want  to 
say  a  word  about  Sprightly's  preachers,  because  I  have  some  slight 
acquaintance  with  that  there  gentleman,  and  don't  choose  to  have 
them  all  run  down  for  nothing. 

"The  pious  brother  brings  several  grave  charges ;  first  they  ride 
good  horses.  Now  don't  every  man,  woman,  and  child  in  the 
Purchase  know  that  Sprightly  and  his  preachers  have  hardly  any 
home,  and  that  they  live  on  horseback?  The  money  most  folks 
spend  in  land,  these  men  spend  for  a  good  horse ;  and  don't  they 
need  a  good  horse  to  stand  mud  and  swim  floods?  And  is  it  any 
sin  for  a  horse  to  be  kept  fat  that  does  so  much  work  ?  The  book 
says  'a  merciful  man  is  merciful  to  his  beast,'  and  that  we  mustn't 
'muzzle  the  ox  that  treadeth  out  the  corn.'  Step  round  that  fence 
corner,  and  take  a  peep,  dear  friends,  at  a  horse  hung  on  the 
stake;  what's  he  like?  A  wooden  frame  with  a  dry  hide  stretch'd 
over  it.  What's  he  live  on?  Ah!  that's  the  pint?  Well,  what's 
them  buzzards  after? — look  at  them  sailing  up  there.  Now  who 
owns  that  live  carrion? — the  pious  brother  that's  preached  to  us 
just  now.  And  I  want  to  know  if  it  wouldn't  be  better  for  him  to 
give  that  dumb  brute  something  to  cover  his  .bones,  before  he  talks 
against  'hunder  dollur  hossis'  and  the  like  ? 

"The  next  charge  is,  wearing  good  clothes.  Friends,  don't  all 
folks  when  they  come  to  meeting  put  on  their  best  clothes?  and 
wouldn't  it  be  wrong  if  preachers  came  in  old  torn  coats  and  dirty 
shirts  ?  It  wouldn't  do  no  how.  Well,  Sprightly  and  his  preachers 
preach  near  about  every  day;  and  oughtn't  they  always  to  look 
decent!  Take  then  a  peep  of  the  pious  brother  that  makes  this 
charge;  his  coat  is  out  at  elbow,  and  has  only  three  or  four  but- 
tons left,  and  his  arm,  where  he  wipes  his  nose  and  mouth,  is 
shiney  as  a  looking  glass — his  trousers  are  crawling  up  to  show 
he's  got  no  stockings  on;  and  his  face  has  got  a  crop  of  beard 
two  weeks  old  and  couldn't  be  cleaned  by  'baby  sprinklin;'  yes, 
look  at  them  there  matters,  and  say  if  Sprightly's  preachers  ain't 
more  like  the  apostles  in  decency  than  the  pious  brother  is. 

"A  word  now  about  chicken-fixins  and  doins.  And  I  say  it 
would  be  a  charity  -to  give  the  pious  brother  sich  a  feed  now 


FOURTH  YEAR  375 

and  then,  for  he  looks  half-starved,  and  savage  as  a  meat-axe ;  and 
I  advise  that  old  hen  out  thare  clucking  up  her  brood  not  to  come 
this  way  just  now,  if  she  don't  want  all  to  disappear.  But  I  say 
that  Sprightly's  preachers  are  so  much  beliked  in  the  Purchase, 
that  folks  are  always  glad  to  see  them,  and  make  a  pint  of  giving 
them  the  best  out  of  love;  and  that's  more  than  can  be  said  for 
some  folks  here. 

"The  pious  brother  says,  he  only  wants  our  souls — then  what 
makes  him  peddle  about  Thomsonian  physic  ?  Why  don't  he  and 
Campbell  make  steam  and  No.  6  as  free  as  preaching?  I  read 
of  a  quack  doctor  once,  who  used  to  give  his  advice  free  gratis 
for  nothing  to  any  one  what  would  buy  a  box  of  his  pills — but  as 
I  see  the  pious  brother  is  crawling  round  the  fence  to  his  anatomi- 
cal horse  and  physical  saddle  bags,  I  have  nothing  more  to  say, 
and  so,  dear  friends,  I  bid  you  all  good-bye." 

Such  was  Rev.  Elder  Sprightly,  who  preached  to  us  on  Sabbath 
morning  at  the  Camp.  Hence,  it  is  not  remarkable  that  in  com- 
mon with  many  worthy  persons,  he  should  think  his  talents 
properly  employed  in  using  up  "Johnny  Calvin  and  his  boys;" 
especially  as  no  subject  is  better  for  popularity  at  a  camp-meeting. 
He  gave  us,  accordingly,  first,  that  affecting  story  of  Calvin  and 
Servetus,  in  which  the  latter  figured  to-day  like  a  Christian  Con- 
fessor and  martyr,  and  the  former  as  a  diabolical  persecuter; 
many  moving  incidents  being  introduced  not  found  in  history, 
and  many  ingenious  inferences  and  suppositions  tending  to  blacken 
the  Reformer's  character.  Judging  from  the  frequency  of  the 
deep  groans,  loud  amens,  and  noisy  hallelujahs  of  the  congrega- 
tion during  the  narrative,  had  Calvin  suddenly  thrust  in  among  us 
his  hatchet  face  and  goat's  beard,  he  would  have  been  hissed  and 
pelted,  nay  possibly,  been  lynched  and  soused  in  the  Branch ;  while 
the  excellent  Servetus  would  have  been  toted  on  our  shoulders, 
and  feasted  in  the  tents  on  fried  ham,  cold  chicken  fixins  and 
horse  sorrel  pies ! 

Here  is  a  specimen  of  Mr.  S.'s  mode  of  exciting  triumphant  ex- 
clamation, amens,  groans,  &c.,  against  Calvin  and  his  followers : — 

"Dear  sisters,  don't  you  love  the  tender  little 

darling  babes  that  hang  on  your  parental  bosoms?  (amen!) — 
Yes!  I  know  you  do — (amen!  amen!) — Yes  I  know,  I  know  it' — 


FOURTH  YEAR 

(Amen,  amen!  hallelujah!)  Now  don't  it  make  your  parental 
hearts  throb  with  anguish  to  think  those  dear  infantile  darlings 
might  some  day  be  out  burning  brush  and  fall  into  the  flames  and 
be  burned  to  death  !  (deep  groans.) — Yes,  it  does,  it  does!  But 
oh !  sisters,  oh !  mothers !  how  can  you  think  your  babes  mightn't 
get  religion  and  die  and  be  burned  for  ever  and  ever?  (the  Lord 
forbid — amen — groans.)  But,  oho!  only  think — only  think  oh! 
would  you  ever  a  had  them  darling  infantile  sucklings  born,  if 
you  had  a  known  they  were  to  be  burned  in  a  brush  heap !  (No, 
no! — groans — shrieks)  What!  what!  what!  if  you  had  foreknown 
they  must  have  gone  to  hell! — (hoho!  hoho! — amen!)  And  does 
any  body  think  He  5  is  such  a  tryrant  as  to  make  spotless,  innocent 
babies  just  to  damn  them?  (No!  in  a  voice  of  thunder.) — No! 
sisters!  no!  no!  mothers!  No!  no!  no!  sinners  no!! — he  ain't 
such  a  tyrant!  let  John  Calvin  burn,  torture  and  roast,  but  He 
never  foreordained  babies,  as  Calvin  says,  to  damnation!  (dam- 
nation— echoed  by  hundreds.) — Hallelujah!  'tis  a  free  salvation! 
Glory!  a  free  salvation! — (Here  Mr.  S.  battered  the  rail  of  the 
pulpit  with  his  fists,  and  kicked  the  bottom  with  his  feet — many 
screamed — some  cried  amen! — others  groaned  and  hissed — and 
more  than  a  dozen  females  of  two  opposite  colours  arose  and 
clapped  their  hands  as  if  engaged  in  starching,  &c.  &c.)  No  ho! 
'tis  a  free,  a  free,  a  free  salvation! — away  with  Calvin!  'tis  for 
all;  all!  ALL.  Yes!  shout  it  out!  clap  on!  rejoice!  rejoice!  oho- 
oho!  sinners,  sinners,  sinners,  oh-ho-oho!"  &c.  &c. 

Here  was  maintained  for  some  minutes  the  most  edifying  up- 
roar of  shouting,  bellowing,  crying,  clapping  and  stamping, 
mingled  with  hysterical  laughing,  termed  out  there  "holy  laugh- 
ing," and  even  dancing !  and  barking !  called  also  "holy !" — till,  at 
the  partial  subsidence  of  the  bedlam,  the  orator  resumed  his 
eloquence. 

It  is  singular  Mr.  S.  overlooked  an  objection  to  the  divine 
Providence  arising  from  his  own  illustration.  That  children  do 
sometimes  perish  by  being  burnt  and  drowned,  is  undeniable; 
yet  is  not  their  existence  prevented — and  that  in  the  very  case 
where  the  sisters  were  induced  to  say  they  would  have  prevented 

5  We  substitute  words  in  place  of  the  divine  names — irreverently  used 
often  in  sermons  and  prayers. 


FOURTH  YEAR  377 

their  existence!  But,  in  justice  to  Mr.  S.,  we  must  say  that  he 
seemed  to  have  anticipated  the  objection,  and  to  have  furnished 
the  reply ;  for,  said  he,  in  one  part  of  his  discourse,  "God  did  not 
wish  to  foreknow  some  things !" 

But  our  friend's  mode  of  avoiding  a  predestined  death — if 
such  an  absurdity  be  supposed — deserves  all  praise  for  the  facility 
and  simplicity  of  the  contrivance.  "Let  us,"  said  he,  "for  argu- 
ment's sake,  grant  that  I,  the  Rev.  Elder  Sprightly,  am  foreor- 
dained to  be  drowned,  in  the  River,  at  Smith's  Ferry,  next  Thurs- 
day morning,  at  twenty-two  minutes  after  ten  o'clock;  and  sup- 
pose I  know  it;  and  suppose  I  am  a  free,  moral,  voluntary,  ac- 
countable agent,  as  Calvinists  say — do  you  think  I'm  going  to  be 
drowned  ?  No ! — I  would  stay  at  home  all  day ;  and  you'll  never 
ketch  the  Rev.  Elder  Sprightly  at  Smith's  Ferry — nor  near  the 
river  neither!" 

Reader,  is  it  any  wonder  Calvinism  is  on  the  decline  ?  Logic  it 
can  stand;  but  human  nature  thus  excited  in  opposition,  it  can- 
not stand.  Hence,  throughout  our  vast  assembly  to-day,  this  un- 
popular ism,  in  spite  of  Calvin  and  the  Epistle  to  the  Romans,  was 
put  down ;  if  not  by  acclamation,  yet  by  exclamation, — by  shout- 
ing,— by  roaring, — by  groaning  and  hissing, — by  clapping  and 
stamping, — by  laughing,  and  crying,  and  whining;  and  thus  the 
end  of  the  sermon  was  gained  and  the  preacher  glorified ! 

The  introductory  discourse  in  the  afternoon  was  by  the  Rev. 
Remarkable  Novus.  This  was  a  gentleman  I  had  often  the 
pleasure  of  entertaining  at  my  house  in  Woodville ;  and  he  was  a 
Christian  in  sentiment  and  feeling:  for  though  properly  and  de- 
cidedly a  warm  friend  to  his  own  sect,  he  was  charitably  disposed 
towards  myself  and  others  that  differed  from  him  ecclesiastically. 
His  talents  were  moderate ;  but  his  voice  was  transcendentally  ex- 
cellent. It  was  rich,  deep,  mellow,  liquid  and  sonorous,  and  capa- 
ble of  any  inflections.  It  could  preserve  its  melody  in  an  un- 
ruffled flow,  at  a  pitch  far  beyond  the  highest  point  reached  by  the 
best  cultivated  voices.  His  fancy,  naturally  capricious,  was  in- 
dulged without  restraint ;  yet  not  being  a  learned  or  well-read  man, 
he  mistook  words  for  ideas,  and  hence  employed  without  stint  all 
the  terms  in  his  vocabulary  for  the  commonest  thoughts.  He 
"believed,  too,  like  most  of  his  brotherhood,  that  excitement  and 


378  FOURTH  YEAR 

agitation  were  necessary  to  conversion  and  of  the  essence  of  re- 
ligion; and  this,  with  a  proneness  to  delight  in  the  music  and 
witchery  of  his  own  wonderful  voice,  made  Mr.  Novus  an  eccen- 
tric preacher,  and  induced  him  often  to  excel  at  camp-meetings, 
the  very  extravagances  of  his  clerical  brethren,  whom  more  than 
once  he  has  ridiculed  and  condemned  at  my  fireside. 

The  camp-meeting  was,  in  fact,  too  great  a  temptation  for  my 
friend's  temperament,  and  the  very  theatre  for  the  full  display 
of  his  magnificant  voice;  and  naturally,  this  afternoon,  off  he  set 
at  a  tangent,  interrupting  the  current  of  his  sermon  by  extempor- 
aneous bursts  of  warning,  entreaty,  and  exhortation.  Here  is 
something  like  his  discourse — yet  done  by  me  in  a  subdued  tone — 
as,  I  repeat,  are  most  extravaganzas  of  the  ecclesiastical  and 
spiritual  sort  not  only  here,  but  in  all  other  parts  of  the  work. 

"My  text,  dear  hearers,"  said  he,  "on  this  auspicious,  and 
solemn,  and  heaven-ordered  occasion,  is  that  exhortation  of  the 
inspired  apostle  'Walk  worthy  of  your  vocation.'  " 

"And  what,  my  dear  brethren,  what  do  you  imagine  and  con- 
jecture our  holy  penman  meant  by  'walking?'  Think  ye  he  meant 
a  physical  walking,  and  a  moving,  and  a  going  backward  and  for- 
ward thus? — (represented  by  Mr.  N.'s  proceeding,  or  rather 
marching,  a  la  militaire,  several  times  from  end  to  end  of  the 
staging.) — No!  sirs! — it  was  not  a  literal  walking  and  locomotion, 
a  moving  and  agitating  of  the  natural  legs  and  limbs.  No !  sirs ! — 
no ! — but  it  was  a  moral,  a  spiritual,  a  religious,  ay !  yes !  a  philo- 
sophical and  metaphorically  figurative  walking,  our  holy  apostle 
meant ! 

"Philosophic,  did  I  say?  Yes:  philosophic  did  I  say.  For  re- 
ligion is  the  most  philosophical  thing  in  the  universe — ay! 
throughout  the  whole  expansive  infinitude  of  the  divine  empire. 
Tell  me,  deluded  infidels  and  mistaken  unbelievers !  tell  me,  ain't 
philosophy  what's  according  to  the  consistency  of  Nature's 
regular  laws?  and  what's  more  consentaneous  and  homogeneous 
to  man's  sublimated  moral  nature  than  religion?  Yes,!  tell  me! 
Yes!  yes!  7  am  for  a  philosophical  religion,  and  a  philosophical 
religion  is  for  me — ay !  we  are  mutually  made  and  formed  for  this 
beautiful  reciprocality ! 

"And  yet  some  say  we  make  too  much  noise — even  some  of  our 


FOURTH  YEAR  379 

respected  Woodville  merchants — (meaning  the  author.) — But 
what's  worth  making  a  noise  about  in  the  dark  mundane  of  our 
terrestrial  sphere,  if  religion  ain't?  People  always,  and  every- 
where in  all  places,  make  most  noise  about  what  they  opine  to  be 
most  precious.  See !  yon  banner  streaming  with  golden  stars  and 
glorious  stripes  over  congregated  troops  on  the  fourth  of  July, 
that  ever-memorable — that  never-to-be-forgotten  day,  which  cele- 
brates the  grand  annual  anniversary  of  our  nation's  liberty  and 
independence !  when  our  forefathers  and  ancestors  burst  asunder 
and  tore  forever  off  the  iron  chains  of  political  thraldom!  and 
arose  in  plentitude,  ay !  in  the  magnificence  of  their  grandeur,  and 
crushed  their  oppressors ! — yes !  and  hurled  down  dark  despotism 
from  the  lofty  pinnacle  of  its  summit  altitude,  where  she  was 
seated  on  her  liberty-crushing  throne,  and  hurled  her  out  of  her 
iron  chariot  as  her  wheels  thundered  over  the  prostrate  slaves 
of  power! — (Amen! — hallelujah!) — Yes! — hark! — we  make  a 
noise  about  that !  But  what's  civil  liberty  to  religious  liberty,  and 
emancipated  disenthraldorn  from  the  dark  despotism  of  yonder 
terrific  prince  of  darkness!  whose  broad,  black,  piniony  wings 
spread  wide  o'er  the  aerial  concave,  like  a  dense  cloud  upon  a 
murky  sky? — (A-a-men!) — And  ain't  it,  ye  men  of  yards  and 
measures,  philosophical  to  make  a  noise  about  this? — (Amen! — 
yes!) — Yes!  yes!  and  I  ain't  ashamed  to  rejoice  and  shout  aloud. 
Ay !  as  long  as  the  prophet  was  ordered  to  stamp  with  his  foot,  I 
will  stamp  with  my  foot; — (here  he  stamped  till  the  platform 
trembled  for  its  safely,) — and  to  smite  with  his  hand,  I  will  smite 
with  my  hand — (slapping  alternate  hands  on  alternate  thighs.) — 
Yes !  and  I  will  shout  too ! — and  cry  aloud  and  spare  not — glory ! 
for — ever! — (and  here  his  voice  rang  out  like  the  sweet,  clear 
tones  of  a  bugle). 

"And,  therefore,  my  dear  sisters  and  brethren,  let  us  walk 
worthy  of  our  vocation ;  not  with  the  natural  legs  of  the  physical 
corporation,  but  in  the  apostolical  way,  with  the  metaphysical  and 
figurative  legs  of  the  mind, — (here  Mr.  N.  caught  some  one  smil- 
ing).— Take  care,  sinner,  take  care!  curl  not  the  scornful  nose — 
I'm  willing  to  be  a  fool  for  religion's  sake — but  turn  not  up  the 
scornful  nose — do  its  ministers  no  harm!  Sinner!  mark  me! — in 
yon  deep  and  tangled  grove,  where  tall  aspiring  trees  wave  green 


380  FOURTH  YEAR 

and  lofty  heads  in  the  free  air  of  balmy  skies — there,  sinner,  an 
hour  ago,  when  the  sonorous  horn  called  on  our  embattled  hosts 
to  go  to  private  prayer !  an  hour  ago,  in  yonder  grove  I  knelt  and 
prayed  for  you! — (hooh!) — yes!  I  prayed  some  poor  soul  might 
be  given  for  my  hire ! — and  he  promised  me  one ! — (Glory !  glory ! 
— ah!  give  him  one!) — Laughing  sinner! — take  care! — I'll  have 
you ! — (Grant  it — amen ! — ooohoo !)  Look  out,  I'm  going  to  fire ! 
— (assuming  the  attitude  of  rifle-shooting) — bang! — may  He  send 
that  through  your  heart ! — may  it  pierce  clean  home  through  joints 
and  marrow ! — and  let  all  the  people  say  Amen ! — (and  here  amen 
was  said,  and  not  in  the  tame  style  of  the  American  Archbishop  of 
Canterbury's  cathedral,  be  assured;  but  whether  the  spiritual 
bullet  hit  the  chap  aimed  at,  I  never  learned ;  if  it  did,  his  groans 
were  inaudible  in  the  alarming  thunder  of  that  Amen.) 

"Ay!  ay!  that's  the  way!  that's  the  way!  don't  be  ashamed  of 
your  vocation — that's  the  way  to  walk  and  let  your  light  shine! 
Now  some  wise  folks  despise  light  and  call  for  miracles :  but  when 
we  can't  have  one  kind  of  light,  let  us  be  philosophical  and  take 
another.  For  my  part,  when  I'm  bogging  about  these  dark  woods, 
far  away  in  the  silent  sombre  shadows,  I  rejoice  in  sunshine;  and 
would  prefer  it  of  choice  rather  than  all  other  celestial  and  trans- 
lucent luminaries:  but  when  the  gentle  fanning  zephyrs  of  the 
shadowy  night  breathe  soft  among  the  trembling  leaves  and 
sprays  of  the  darkening  forests,  then  I  rejoice  in  moonshine:  and 
when  the  moonshine  dims  and  pales  away  with  the  waning  silvery 
queen  of  heaven  in  her  azure  zone,  I  look  up  to  the  blue  concave 
of  the  circular  vault  and  rejoice  in  star  light.  No!  no!  NO!  any 
light ! — give  us  any  light  rather  than  none! — (Ah,  do,  good  Lord !) 
Yes !  yes !  we  are  the  light  of  the  world,  and  so  let  us  let  our  light 
shine,  whether  sunshine,  or  moonshine,  or  star  light! — (oohoo!) 
— and  then  the  poor  benighted  sinner,  bogging  about  this  terra- 
queous, but  dark  and  mundane  sphere,  will  have  a  light  like  a  pole 
star  of  the  distant  north,  to  point  and  guide  him  to  the  sun-lit 
climes  of  yonder  world  of  bright  and  blazing  bliss!" — 
(A-a-a-amen!) 

Such  is  part  of  the  sermon.  His  concluding  prayer  ended 
thus: — (Divine  names  omitted.) 

"Oh!  come  down!  come,  come  down!  down!  now! — to-night! 


FOURTH  YEAR  381 

— do  wonders  then!  come  down  in  might!  come  down  in  power! 
let  salvation  roll!  Come  down!  conee!  and  let  the  earthquaking 
mighty  noise  of  thy  thundering  chariot  wheels  be  heard  and  felt 
and  seen  and  experienced  in  the  warring  elements  of  our  spirit- 
ualized hearts!" 

During  the  prayer,  many  petitions  and  expressions  were  so 
rapturously  and  decidedly  encored,  that  our  friend  kindly  re- 
peated them;  and  sometimes,  like  public  singers,  with  handsome 
variations :  and  many  petitions  by  amateur  zealots  were  put  forth, 
without  any  notice  of  the  current  prayer  offered  by  Mr.  N.,  yet 
evidently  having  in  view  some  elegancy  of  his  sermon.  And 
not  a  few  petitions,  I  regret  to  say,  seemed  to  misapprehend  the 
drift  and  scope  of  the  preacher.  One  of  this  sort  was  the 
earnest  ejaculations  of  an  old  and  worthy  brother,  who  in  a  hol- 
low, sepulchral,  and  rather  growly  voice,  bellowed  out  in  a  very 
beautiful  part  of  the  grand  prayer — "Oohhoo!  take  away 
moonshine!" 

But  our  finest  performance  was  to  be  at  night :  and  at  the  first 
toot  of  the  tin  horn,  we  assembled  in  expectation  of  a  "good  time." 
For  i.  All  day  preparation  had  been  making  for  the  night;  and 
the  actors  seemed  evidently  in  restraint  as  in  mere  rehearsal:  2. 
the  night  suits  better  displays  and  scenes  of  any  kind :  but  3.  the 
African  was  to  preach;  and  rumour  had  said,  "he  was  a  most 
powerful  big  preacher  that  could  stir  up  folks  mighty  quick,  and 
use  up  the  ole  feller  in  less  than  no  time." 

After  prefatory  prayers  and  hymns,  and  pithy  exhortations  by 
several  brothers  of  the  Caucasian  breed,  our  dusky  divine,  the 
Rev.  Mizraim  Ham,  commenced  his  sermon,  founded  on  the  duel 
between  David  and  Goliath. 

This  discourse  we  shall  condense  into  a  few  pages ;  although  the 
comedy  or  mellow-drama — (for  it  greatly  mellowed  and  relaxed 
the  muscles) — required  for  its  entire  action  a  full  hour.  There 
was,  indeed,  a  prologue;  but  the  rest  was  mainly  dialogue,  in 
which  Mr.  Ham  wonderfully  personated  all  the  different  speakers, 
varying  his  tone,  manner,  attitude,  &c.,  as  varying  characters  and 
circumstances  demanded.  We  fear  much  of  the  spirit  has  evapo- 
rated in  this  condensation ;  but  that  evil  is  unavoidable. 


382  FOURTH  YEAR 

REV.  MIZRAIM   HAM'S  DISCOURSE. 

"Bruthurn  and  sisturn,  tendon,  if  you  please,  while  I  want  you 
for  to  understand  this  here  battul  most  purtiklur  'zact  or  may  be 
you  moughtn't  comprend  'urn.  Furst  place,  I'm  gwyin  to  un- 
devur  to  sarcumscribe  fust  the  'cashin  of  this  here  battul :  second 
place,  the  'comdashins  of  the  armies:  third  place,  the  folkses  as 
was  gwyin  for  to  fite  and  didn't  want  to,  and  some  did :  and  last 
and  fourth  place,  I'm  gwyin  for  to  show  purtiklur  'zact  them  as 
fit  juul,  and  git  victry  and  git  kily'd. 

"Tendon,  if  you  pleases,  while  I  fustly  sarcumscribe  the  'casion 
of  this  here  battul.  Bruthurn  and  sisturn,  you  see  them  thar 
hethun  Fillysdnes,  what  warnt  circumcised,  they  wants  to  ketch 
King  Sol  and  his  'ar  folks  for  to  make  um  slave:  and  so  they 
cums  down  to  pick  a  quorl,  and  begins  a  totin  off  all  their  cawn, 
and  wouldn't  'low  um  to  make  no  hoes  to  ho  um,  nor  no  homnee. 
And  that  'ar,  you  ses,  stick  in  King  Solsis  gizurd ;  and  he  ups  and 
says,  says  he,  'I'm  not  gwying  to  be  used  up  that  'ar  away  by 
them  uncircumcis'd  hethun  Fillystines,  and  let  um  tote  off  our 
folkses  cawn  to  chuck  to  thar  hogs,  and  take  away  our  hoes  so 
we  can't  hoe  um — and  so,  Jonathum,  we'll  drum  up  and  list  soljurs 
and  try  um  a  battul.'  And  then  King  Sol  and  his  'ar  folks  they 
goes  up,  and  the  hethun  and  theirn  comes  down  and  makes  war. 
And  this  is  the  'cashin  why  they  fit. 

"Tendon  'gin,  if  you  pleases,  I'm  gwyin  in  the  next  place 
secondly,  to  show  the  'comdashins  of  this  here  battul,  which  was 
so  fashin  like.  The  Filystines  they  had  thar  army  up  thar  on  a 
mounting,  and  King  Sol  he  had  hissin  over  thar,  like  across  a 
branch,  amoss  like  that  a  one  thar — (pointing) — and  it  was 
chuck  full  of  sling  rock  all  along  on  the  bottom.  And  so  they 
was  both  on  um  camp'd  out ;  this  a  one  on  this  'ar  side,  and  tother 
a  one  on  tother,  and  the  lilly  branch  tween  um — and  them's  the 
comdashins. 

"Tendon  once  more  agin,  as  'caze  next  place  thirdly  I'm  a 
gwyin  to  give  purtiklur  'zact  'count  of  sum  folkeses  what  fit  and 
sum  didn't  want  to.  And,  lubly  sinnahs,  maybe  you  minds  um, 
as  how  King  Sol,  and  his  soljurs  was  pepper  hot  for  fite  when  he 
fust  liss  um;  but  now,  lubly  sinnahs,  when  they  gits  up  to  the 
Fillystines,  they  cool  off  mighty  quick,  I  tell  you !  'Caze  why  ?  I 


FOURTH  YEAR  383 

tell  you;  why,  'caze  a  grate,  big,  ugly  ole  jiunt,  with  grate  big 
eyes,  so  fashin — (Mr.  Ham  made  giant's  eyes  here) — he  kums  a 
rampin  out  af  runt  o'  them  'ar  rigiments,  like  the  ole  devul  a  gwyin 
about  like  a  half-starv'd  lion  a  seeking  to  devour  poor  lubly 
sinnahs!  And  he  cum  a  jumpin  and  a  tearin  out  so  fashin — 
(actions  to  suit) — to  git  sum  of  King  Solsis  soljurs  to  fite  um 
juul:  and  King  Sol,  lubly  bruthurn  and  sisturn,  he  gits  sker'd 
mighty  quick,  and  he  says  to  Jonathun  and  tother  big  officers,  says 
he — 'I  ain't  a  gwyin  for  to  fite  that  grate  big  fellah.'  And  arter 
that  they  ups  and  says — 'We  ain't  a  gwyin  for  to  fite  um  nuthur, 
'caze  he's  all  kiver'd  with  sheetirun,  and  his  head's  up  so  high  we 
muss  stand  a  hoss  back  to  reach  um!' — the  jiunt  he  was  so  big! ! 

"And  then  King  Sol  he  quite  down  in  the  jaw,  and  he  turn  and 
ax  if  somebody  wouldn't  hunt  up  a  soljur  as  would  fite  juul  with 
um;  and  he'd  give  um  his  dawtah,  the  prinsuss,  for  wife,  and 
make  um  king's  son-in-law.  And  then  one  ole  koretur,  they  call 
him  Abnah,  he  comes  up  and  say  to  Sol  so:  Tleare  your  majuste, 
sir,  I  kin  git  a  young  fellah  to  fite  um/  says  he.  And  Abnah  tells 
how  Davy  had  jist  rid  up  in  his  carruge  and  left  um  with  the  man 
what  tend  the  hossis — and  how  he  heern  Davy  a  quorl'n  with  his 
bruthurs  and  a  wantum  to  fite  the  jiunt.  Then  King  Sol,  he  feel 
mighty  glad,  I  tell  you,  sinnahs,  and  he  make  um  bring  um  up, 
and  King  Sol  he  begins  a  talkin  so,  and  Davy  he  answers  so : — 

"  'What's  your  name,  lilly  fellah?' 

"  'I  was  crissen'd  Davy.' 

"  'Whose  your  farder?' 

"  'They  call  um  Jesse.' 

"  'What  you  f ollur  for  livin  ?' 

"  'I  tend  my  farder's-sheep.' 

"  'What  you  kum  arter?  Ain't  you  affeerd  of  that  'ar  grate 
ugly  ole  jiunt  up  thar,  lilly  Davy?' 

"  'I  kum  to  see  arter  my  udder  brudurs,  and  bring  um  in  our 
carruge  some  cheese  and  muttun,  and  some  clene  shirt  and 
trowsur,  and  have  tother  ones  wash'd.  And  when  I  kum  I  hear 
ole  Goliawh  a  hollerin  out  for  somebody  to  cum  and  fite  juul 
with  um:  and  all  the  soljurs  round  thar  they  begins  for  to  make 
traks  mighty  quick,  I  tell  you,  please  your  majuste,  sir,  for  thar 
tents ;  but,  says  I,  what  you  run  for  ?  I'm  not  a  gwyin  for  to  run 


384  FOURTH  YEAR 

away — if  King  Sol  wants  some  body  for  to  fite  the  jiunt,  I'll  fit 
um  for  um.' 

"  'I  mighty  feerd,  lilly  Davy,  you  too  leetul  for  um — 

"  'No !  King  Sol,  I  kin  lick  um.  One  day  I  gits  asleep  ahind  a 
rock,  and  out  kums  a  lion  and  a  bawr,  and  begins  a  totin  off  a  lilly 
lam ;  and  when  I  heern  um  roarin  and  pawin  'bout,  I  rubs  my  eyes 
and  sees  um  gwyin  to  the  mountings — and  I  arter  and  ketch'd  up 
and  kill  um  both  without  no  gun  nor  sword — and  I  bring  back 
poor  lilly  lam.  I  kin  lick  ole  Goliawh,  I  tell  you,  please  your 
ma  juste,  sir.' 

"Then  King  Sol  he  wery  glad,  and  pat  um  on  the  head,  and 
calls  um  'lilly  Davy,'  and  wants  to  put  on  um  his  own  armur 
made  of  brass  and  sheetirun,  and  to  take  his  sword,  but  Davy 
didn't  like  um,  but  said  he'd  trust  to  his  sling.  And  then  out  he 
goes  to  fite  the  ole  jiunt;  and  this  'ar  brings  me  to  the  fourth  and 
last  diwishin  of  our  surmun. 

"Tention  once  more  agin'  for  lass  time,  as  I'm  gwyin  to  give 
**iost  purtikuurlust  'zactest  'count  of  the  juul  atween  lilly  Davy 
and  ole  Goliawh  the  jiunt,  to  show,  lubly  sinnah!  how  the  Lord's 
peepul  without  no  carnul  gun  nor  a  sword,  can  fite  ole  Bellzybub 
and  knock  um  over  with  the  sling  rock  of  prayer,  as  lilly  Davy 
knock  over  Goliawh  with  hissin  out  of  the  Branch. 

"And  to  'lusterut  the  juui  and  make  um  spikus,  I'll  show  'zactly 
how  they  talk'd,  and  jawd,  and  fit  it  all  out:  and  so  ole  Goliawh 
when  he  see  Davy  a  kumun,  he  hollurs  out  so,  and  lilly  Davy  he 
say  back  so: — 

"What  you  kum  for,  lilly  Jew?— 

"What  I  kum  for!  you'll  find  out  mighty  quick,  I  tell  you — I 
kum  for  fite  juul " 

"Huhh !  huhh !  haw ! — 'tink  I'm  gwyin  to  fite  puttee  lilly  baby  ? 
I  want  king  Sol  or  Abnah,  or  a  big  soljur  man " 

"Hole  your  jaw — I'll  make  you  laugh  tother  side,  ole  grizzle- 
gruzzle,  'rectly, — I'm  man  enough  for  biggest  jiunt  Fillystine." 

"Go  way,  poor  lilly  boy !  go  home,  lilly  baby,  to  your  mudder, 
and  git  sugar  plum —  I  no  want  kill  puttee  lilly  boy " 

"Kum  on! — dont  be  afeerd! — dont  go  for  to  run  away! — I'll 
ketch  you  and  lick  you " 

"You  d — n  leetul  raskul — I'll  kuss  you  by  all  our  gods — I'll  cut 


FOURTH  YEAR  385 

out  your  sassy  tung6 — I'll  break  your  blackguard  jaw, — I'll  rip 
you  up  and  give  um  to  the  dogs  and  crows — " 

"Don't  kuss  so,  ole  Golly !  I  'sposed  you  wanted  to  fite  juul — so 
kum  on  with  your  old  irun-pot  hat  on — you'll  git  belly  full  mighty 
quick " 

"You  nasty  leetul  raskul,  I'll  kum  and  kill  you  dead  as  chopped 
sassudge." 

Here  the  preacher  represented  the  advance  of  the  parties;  and 
gave  a  florid  and  wonderfully  effective  description  of  the  closing 
act  partly  by  words  and  partly  by  pantomime ;  exhibiting  innum- 
erable marches  and  counter-marches  to  get  to  windward,  and  all 
the  postures,  and  gestures,  and  defiances,  till  at  last  he  personated 
David  putting  his  hand  into  a  bag  for  a  stone : — and  then  making 
his  cotton  handkerchief  into  a  sling,  he  whirled  it  with  fury  half 
a  dozen  times  around  his  head,  and  then  let  fly  with  much  skill  at 
Goliath ;  and  at  the  same  instant  halloing  with  the  phrenzy  of.  a 
madman — "Hurraw !  for  lilly  Davy !"  At  that  cry  he,  with  his  left 
hand,  struck  himself  a  violent  slap  on  the  forehead,  to  represent 
the  blow  of  the  sling  stone  hitting  the  giant ;  and  then  in  person 
of  Goliath  he  dropped  quasi  dead  upon  the  platform  amid  the 
deafening  plaudits  of  the  congregation ;  all  of  whom,  some  spirit- 
ually, some  sympathetically,  and  some  carnally,  took  up  the  preachr- 
er's  triumph  shout— 

"Hurraw!  for  lilly  Davy." 

How  the  Rev.  Mizraim  Ham  made  his  exit  from  the  boards  I 
could  not  see — perhaps  he  rolled  or  crawled  off.  But  he  did  not 
suffer  decapitation,  like  "ole  Golly:"  since,  in  ten  minutes,  his 
woolly  pate  suddenly  popped  up  among  the  other  sacred  heads 
that  were  visible  over  the  front  railing  of  the  rostrum,  as  all  kept 
moving  to  and  fro  in  the  wild  tossings  of  religious  phrenzy. 

Scarcely  had  Mr.  Ham  fallen  at  his  post,  when  a  venerable  old 
warrior,  with  matchless  intrepidity,  stepped  into  the  vacated 
spot ;  and  without  a  sign  of  fear  carried  on  the  contest  against  the 
Arch  Fiend,  whose  great  ally  had  been  so  recently  overthrown— 
i.  e.  Goliath  (not  Mr.  Ham).  Yet  excited,  as  evidently  was  this 
veteran,  he  still  could  not  forego  his  usual  introduction  stating  how 

6  Mr.  Ham  prefered  Webster's  Dictionary — which  spells  according  to 
nature. 


FOURTH  YEAR 

old  he  was ;  where  he  was  born ;  where  he  obtained  religion ;  how 
long  he  had  been  a  preacher;  how  many  miles  he  had  travelled  in 
a  year;  and  when  he  buried  his  wife: — all  of  which  edifying 
truths  were  received  with  the  usual  applauses  of  a  devout  and 
enlightened  assembly.  But  this  introduction  over  (which  did 
not  occupy  more  than  fifteen  or  twenty  minutes)  ;  he  began  his  at- 
tack in  fine  style,  waxing  louder  and  louder  as  he  proceeded,  till 
he  exceeded  all  the  old  gentlemen  to  "holler"  I  ever  heard,  and 
indeed  old  ladies  either. 

EXTRACT  FROM   HIS  DISCOURSE. 

-Yes,  sinners!  you'll  all  have  to  fall  and  be 


knock'd  down  some  time  or  nuther,  like  the  great  giant  we've 
heern  tell  on,  when  the  Lord's  sarvints  come  and  fight  agin  you ! 
Oho!  sinner!  sinner — oh! — I  hope  you  may  be  knock'd  down  to 
night — now! — this  moment — and  afore  you  die  and  go  to  judg- 
ment! Yes,  oho!  yes!  oh! — I  say  judgment — for  it's  appinted 
once  to  die  and  then  the  jugdment — oho!  oh!  And  what  a  time 
ther'll  be  then!  You'll  see,  all  these  here  trees — and  them  'are 
stars,  and  yonder  silver  moon  a  fire! — and  all  the  alliments  a 
meltin  and  runnin  down  with  fervent  heat-ah!" — (I  have  else- 
where stated  that  the  unlearned  preachers  out  there  (?)  are  by  the 
vulgar — [not  the  poor] — but  the  vulgar,  supposed  to  be  more 
favoured  in  preaching  than  man-made  preachers;  and  that  the 
sign  of  an  unlearned  preacher's  inspiration  being  in  full  blast  is 
his  inhalations,  which  puts  an  -ah !  to  the  end  of  sentences,  mem- 
bers, words,  and  even  exclamations,  till  his  breath  is  all  gone,  and 
no  more  can  be  sucked  in) — "Oho!  hoah!  fervent  heat-ah! — and 
the  trumpit  a  soundin-ah ! — and  the  dead  arisin-ah ! — and  all  on  us 
a  flyin-ah! — to  be  judged-ah! — Oohoah!  sinner — sinner — sinner- 
ah !  And  what  do  I  see  away  tharah ! — down  the  Massissipp-ah ! — 
thar's  a  man  jist  done  a  killin-ah! — another-ah! — and  up  he  goes 
with  his  bloody  dagger-ah !  And  what's  that  I  see  to  the  East-ah ! 
where  proud  folks  live  clothed  in  purple-ah !  and  fine  linen-ah ! — 
I  see  'em  round  a  table  a  drinkin  a  decoction  of  Indian  herb-ah ! 
— and  up  they  go  with  cups  in  thar  hands-ah !  and  see — ohoah  !— 
see !  in  yonder  doggery  some  a  dancin-ah !  and  a  fiddlin-ah  ! — and 
up  they  go-ah !  with  cards  ah !  and  fiddle-ah !"  &c.  &c. 


FOURTH  YEAR  387 

Here  the  tempest  around  drowned  the  voice  of  the  old  herb: 
although,  from  the  frantic  violence  of  his  gestures,  the  frightful 
distortion  of  his  features,  and  the  Pythonic  foam  of  his  mouth,  he 
was  plainly  blazing  away  at  the  enemy.  The  uproar,  however,  so 
far  subsided  as  to  allow  my  hearing  his  closing  exhortation,  which 
was  this : 

" Yes  I  say — fall  down — fall  down  all  of  you,  on  your 

knees! — shout! — cry  aloud! — spare  not! — stamp  with  the  foot! — 
smite  with  the  hand! — down!  down! — that's  it! — down  brethren! 
— down  preachers  ! — down  sisters! — pray  away !  take  it  by  storm ! 
fire  away !  fire  away !  not  one  at  a  time !  not  two  together-ah ! — a 
single  shot  the  devil  will  dodge-ah! — give  it  to  him  all  at  once — • 
fire  a  whole  platoon! — at  him ! !" 

And  then  such  platoon  firing  as  followed-!  If  Satan  stood  that, 
he  can  stand  much  more  than  the  worthy  folks  thought  he  could. 
And,  indeed,  the  effect  was  wonderful ! — more  than  forty  thought- 
less sinners  that  came  for  fun,  and  twice  as  many  backsliders  were 
instantly  knocked  over! — and  there  all  lay,  some  with  violent 
jerkings  and  writhings  of  body,  and  some  uttering  the  most  pierc- 
ing and  dismaying  shrieks  and  groans !  The  fact  is,  I  was  nearly 
knocked  down  myself — — 

"You?— Mr.  Carlton!!" 

Yes, — indeed — but  not  by  the  hail  of  spiritual  shot  falling  so 
thick  around  me:  it  was  by  a  sudden  rush  towards  my  station, 
where  I  stood  mounted  on  a  stump.  And  this  rush  was  occasioned 
by  a  wish  to  see  a  stout  fellow  lying  on  the  straw  in  the  pen,  a 
little  to  my  left,  groaning  and  praying,  and  yet  kicking  and  pum- 
melling away  as  if  scuffling  with  a  sturdy  antagonist.  Near  him 
were  several  men  and  women  at  prayer,  and  one  or  more  whis- 
pering into  his  ear ;  while  on  a  small  stump  above,  stood  a  person 
superintending  the  contest,  and  so  as  to  ensure  victory  to  the 
right  party.  Now  the  prostrate  man,  who  like  a  spirited  tom-cat 
seemed  to  fight  best  on  his  back,  was  no  other  than  our  celebrated 
New  Purchase  bully — Rowdy  Bill!  And  this  being  reported 
through  the  congregation,  the  rush  had^taken  place  by  which  I 
was  so  nearly  overturned.  I  contrived,  however,  to  regain  my 
stand  shared  indeed,  now,  with  several  others,  we  hugging  one 
another  and  standing  on  tip-toes  and  our  necks  elongated  as  possi- 
ble ;  and  thus  we  managed  to  have  a  pretty  fair  view  of  matters. 


388  FOURTH  YEAR 

About  this  time  the  Superintendent  in  a  very  loud  voice  cried 
out, — "Let  him  alone,  brothers !  let  him  alone  sisters ! — keep  on 
praying ! — it's  a  hard  fight — the  devil's  got  a  tight  grip  yet !  He 
don't  want  to  lose  poor  Bill — but  he'll  let  go  soon — Bill's  gittin  the 
better  on  him  fast ! — Pray  away !" 

Rowdy  Bill,  be  it  known,  was  famous  as  a  gouger,  and  so 
expert  was  he  in  his  antioptical  vocation,  that  in  a  few  moments 
he  usually  bored  out  an  antagonist's  eyes,  or  made  him  cry  peccavi. 
Indeed,  could  he,  on  the  present  occasion,  have  laid  hold  of  his 
unseen  foe's  head  (spiritually  we  mean),  he  would  (figuratively 
of  course)  soon  have  caused  him  to  ease  off  or  let  go  entirely  his 
metaphorical  grip.  So,  however,  thought  one  friend  in  the  as- 
sembly— Bill's  wife.  For  Bill  was  a  man  after  her  own  heart; 
and  she  often  said  that  "with  fair  play  she  sentimentally  allowed 
her  Bill  could  lick  ary  a  man  in  the  'varsal  world,  and  his  weight 
in  wild  cats  to  boot."  Hence,  the  kind  hearted  creature,  hearing 
that  Bill  was  actually  fighting  with  the  devil,  had  pressed  in  from 
the  outskirts  to  see  fair  play ;  but  now  hearing  Bill  was  in  reality 
down,  and  apparently  undermost,  and  above  all,  the  words  of  the 
superintendent,  declaring  that  the  fiend  had  a  tight  grip  of  the 
poor  fellow,  her  excitement  would  no  longer  be  controlled;  and, 
collecting  her  vocal  energies,  she  screamed  out  her  common  ex- 
hortation to  Bill,  and  which,  when  heeded,  had  heretofore  secured 
him  immediate  victories — "Gouge  him,  Billy! — gouge  him,  Billy! 
— gouge  him !" 

This  spirited  exclamation  was  instantly  shouted  by  Bill's  cronies 
and  partisans — mischievously,  maybe,  for  we  have  no  right  to 
judge  of  men's  motives,  in  meetings: — but  a  few  (friends  doubt- 
less of  the  old  fellow),  cried  out  in  a  very  irreverent  tone — 
"Bite  him !  devil — bite  him !  Upon  which,  the  faithful  wife,  in  a 
tone  of  voice  that  begga»s  description,  reiterated  her — "Gouge 
him,"  &c. — in  which  she  was  again  joined  by  her  husband's  allies, 
and  that  to  the  alarm  of  his  invisible  foe ;  for  Bill  now  rose  to  his 
knees,  and  on  uttering  some  mystic  jargon  symptomatic  of  conver- 
sion, he  was  said  to  have  "got  religion ;" — and  then  all  his  new 
friends  and  spiritual  guides  united  in  fresh  prayers  and  shouts  of 
thanksgiving. 

It  was  now  very  late  at  night;  and  joining  a  few  other  citizens 


FOURTH  YEAR  389 

of  Woodville,  we  were  soon  in  our  saddles  and  buried  in  the 
darkness  of  the  forest.  For  a  long  time,  however,  the  uproar 
of  the  spiritual  elements  at  the  camp  continued  at  intervals  to 
swell  and  diminish  on  the  hearing;  and,  often  came  a  yell  that 
rose  far  above  the  united  din  of  other  screams  and  outcries.  Nay, 
at  the  distance  of  nearly  two  miles,  could  be  distinguished  a  re- 
markable and  sonorous  oh! — like  the  faintly  heard  explosion  of  a 
mighty  elocutional  class  practising  under  a  master.  And  yet  my 
comrades,  who  had  heard  this  peculiar  cry  more  than  once,  all 
declared  that  this  wonderful  oh-mg  was  performed  by  the  separate 
voice  of  our  townsman,  Eolus  Letherlung,  Esq. ! 

At  length  the  din  died  sullenly  away,  like  the  indistinct  mutter 
of  a  retiring  hurricane !  But  for  that  night  and  the  next  day,  the 
scenes  and  cries  of  the  camp  were  vivid  before  my  eyes  and  ring- 
ing in  my  ears;  and  more  than  once,  in  night  dreams,  appeared 
Rowdy  Bill  dressed  in  his  wife's  cap  and  short-gown,  and  stand- 
ing on  the  breast  of  Goliath ;  while  near  stood  a  dwarf  negro  with 
two  heads,  flourishing  in  his  hand  a  corn-hoe,  and  crying  from 
both  his  mouths — "Gouge  him!  Billy,  gouge  him!" 

Next  day  (as  I  was  told  by  an  eye-witness  and  in  triumph), 
the  new  converts,  amounting  to  more  than  two  hundred!!  were 
all  paraded  and  marched  around  the  camp-grounds,  under  the 
appellation  of  "virgins  following  the  Lamb!" — after  which,  they 
were  enrolled  and  acknowledged  as  "trophies  snatched  from 
Satan!"  It  being  impossible,  therefore,  to  gainsay  facts,  I  was 
constrained,  spite  of  my  latent  hostility  to  certain  Big  Meetings, 
to  acknowledge  to  my  friend,  who  insisted  on  my  immediate  and 
honest  answer,  to  acknowledge  that: — 

A  camp-meeting  was,  all  things  considered,  the  very  best  con- 
trivance and  means  for  making  the  largest  number  of  converts  in 
the  shortest  possible  time;  and  also  for  enlarging  most  speedily 
the  bounds  of  a  Church  Visible  and  Militant. 


CHAPTER  XLIX. 

"Amor  vincit  omnia" 

"Love  laughs  at  locksmiths !" 

OUR  present  chapter  treats  of  love  and  matrimony. 

Doubtless  it  has  occurred  to  the  reader,  that  John  Glenville 
is  yet  a  bachelor  and  ought  to  be  looking  out  for  a  wife.  Now, 
although  John  was  never  over  head  and  ears  in  love,  he  yet  was 
always  falling  into  it — knee  deep  at  least ;  but  as  yet,  he  had  never 
found  anybody  for  helpmeet,  though  several  were  disposed  to  be 
help-mates. 

My  friend  had,  indeed,  often  gone  "a  gallin"  among  our  log- 
cabin  beauties;  and  sometimes  received  answers  so  serious  to  his 
sportive  questions  as  to  make  his  backing  out  very  difficult  and  un- 
graceful. For  instance,  he  once  accompanied  Peggy  home  from 
a  might  meeting ;  and  on  reaching  the  cabin  she  paused  a  moment 
by  the  wood  pile,  when  John  playfully  said : 

"Well,  Peggy,  I've  a  notion  to  go  in  and  court  awhile,  what 
do  you  say  to  it?" 

"Well — maybe  you  mought  and  maybe  you  moughtn't — " 

"Why?  has  anybody  cut  me  out?" 

"Hey?!" 

"Perhaps  somebody  else  is  gallin  down  here?" 

"Perhaps  thar  is,  and  perhaps  thar  isn't." 

"Awh !  come  Peggy  do  tell  me." 

Here  Peggy  looked  down  in  some  perplexity,  as  balancing  un- 
certainties, and  after  kicking  up  a  large  heap  of  chips  with  the 
toe  of  her  shoe,  she  seemed  to  have  arrived  at  the  conclusion — "a 
bird  in  the  hand,"  &c. — and,  therefore  modestly  answered : — 

"Well!  John — I'm  a  kinder  sorter  courted  like,  and  a  kinder 
sorter  not  like, — but  I'm  more  a  kinder  sorter  not,  nor  a  kinder 
sorter — and  I  allow  you'd  better  step  in  and  see  daddy ;  tain't  late 
— although  mammy's  in  bed." 

Of  course,  John  got  out  as  awkwardly  as  we  end  his  adventure. 

But  once  Glenville  was  caught  more  effectually  and  much  more 
to  his  surprise;  and  yet,  he  backed  out  with  some  ingenuity. 
The  lady,  however,  had  ultimately  her  revenge.  He  was  on  a  visit 

390 


FOURTH  YEAR  391 

of  business  in  an  adjoining  state,  when  he  was  invited  by  the 
celebrated  Mr.  Brown  to  spend  a  few  days  at  his  house.  Here  he 
became  naturally  interested  in  Miss  Brown,  the  daughter — a  young 
lady  of  some  beauty,  of  much  good  nature,  of  good  talents,  and 
mistress  of  many  useful  acquirements  beside  several  ornamental 
branches. 

In  an  unguarded  moment,  John  sportively  popped  the  ques- 
tion, or  rather  popped  at  the  question,  by  wondering  how  Miss 
B.  would  like  to  live  in  a  cabin  with  such  a  Hoosier  as  himself ;  to 
which  Paddy's  hint,  Miss  B.  too  seriously  intimated  that  Mr.  G. 
had  better  consult  her  father  on  such  points.  Now,  generous 
reader,  Glenville  was  by  no  means  ready  to  forsake  father  and 
mother  at  that  time;  and  the  cabin  alluded  to,  was  so  open  and 
unchinked,  that  poverty  could  easily  enough  have  crept  in  all 
around,  and  love  gone  flying  out  through  an  hundred  crevices  in 
addition  to  the  doors  and  window.  In  plain  English,  the  fellow 
was  too  poor  to  ask  any  woman  to  share  his  poverty ;  unless  she 
belonged  to  the  Range,  was  used  "to  chinkin  and  daubin,  and  to 
makin  huntin  shirts  and  lether  brichis :"  hence  after  musing  on  the 
affair  the  whole  night,  he  seized  an  opportunity  the  next  morning 
of  renewing  with  Miss  B.  the  colloquy  of  the  previous  afternoon. 
In  this  he  painted  in  true  colours,  the  cheerlessness  of  his  rude 
cabin  and  his  half  hunter's  life,  and  the  privations  and  sufferings 
to  which  such  a  man's  wife  would  necessarily  be  subjected;  and 
then,  with  some  ingenuity  (certainly  with  some  boldness),  he 
wished  to  know  if  such  a  man  ought  to  ask  any  kind  parent,  in 
affluent  circumstances,  to  send  away  an  amiable  and  beloved 
daughter. 

To  his  relief,  Miss  B.,  with  a  slight  betrayal  of  surprise, — 
(John  said  "mortification,") — agreed  with  him;  but  after  this  his 
situation  was  so  awkward,  that  he  left  Mr.  Brown's  mansion  that 
very  day.  Here,  therefore,  is  another  proof  that  some  things  can 
be  done  as  well  as  others ;  and  while  this  affair  is  not  quite  so  odd 
as  that  of  Deerslayer  and  Judith,1  yet  it  shows  the  difference  be- 
tween truth  and  fiction. 

Well,  the  present  winter,  Glenville  being  often  on  visits  to 
Woodville,  and  circumstances  existing  to  alter  cases,  we  fre- 

1  See  Fenimore  Cooper's  "The  Deerslayer." 


392  FOURTH  YEAR 

quently  rallied  the  bachelor  on  his  courtships;  and  more  than 
once,  in  full  assembly,  voted  that  he  must  and  should  forthwith 
go  and  find  a  wife.  To  all  this,  he  opposed  the  stale  replies,  that 
he  was  too  old  now — could  find  nobody  to  suit  him — and  that 
such  as  would  suit  would  not  have  him, — till  at  last  he  consented, 
if  I  could  find  the  proper  person,  and  persuade  her  to  have  him, 
he  would  marry. 

Accordingly,  one  night  after  such  a  discussion,  Glenville  and 
myself  sat  alone  by  the  fire,  when  the  following  talk  went  on  in 
continuation  of  the  subject: — 

"But,  Glenville,  are  you  really  serious?" 

"Yes,  Carlton,  I  am  really  serious." 

"Still,  you  would  not  marry  if  you  did  not  love  ?" 

"Well — I'm  not  quite  so  sure  there.  At  all  events,  I  shall 
easily  love  any  girl  you  will  choose — especially  if  you  choose 
Miss  Brown." 

"Come,  John,  be  candid — did  you  ever  truly  love  her?" 

<rMore,  perhaps,  than  I  ever  loved  any  one  before,  or  ever  shall 
again." 

"And  why  did  you  back  out  so  foolishly  ?" 

"For  the  very  reasons  I  have  a  thousand  times  told  you.  I 
was  too  poor — my  home  too  utterly  dreary  to  take  such  a  girl  to 
— and  if  I  had  ever  dreamed  my  jesting  manner  would  have  been 
mistaken,  I  should  have  been  far  enough  from  trifling  with 
her " 

"Suppose  she  had  seemed  willing  next  morning?" 

"I  would  have  consulted  her  father,  unquestionably — but  for 
the  daughter's  sake,  I  should  have  regretted  his  consent." 

"Well,  Glenville,  what  do  you  say  to  Miss  Smythe  ? — I  think  she 
feels  tender  towards  you." 

"She  would  do: — and  with  a  little  practice  I  should  love  her 
as  well  as  most  men  love  their  wives.  But  Carlton,  the  Squire, 
has  been  cutting  round  there  the  last  six  months,  and " 

"No  odds — suppose  you  try?" 

"Willingly,  if  I  thought  there  was  any  chance;  but,  in  the  first 
place,  maybe  she's  engaged — next,  maybe  she  might  not  want  me 
— and  so  I  do  not  like  to  lose  my  time  and  run  risk,  and " 

"Tut !  tut ! — you  need  not  waste  any  time ;  for  I'll  write  a  love- 


FOURTH  YEAR  393 

letter  for  you;  and  as  to  the  other  objection,  I'll  bet  a  coon  skin 
you're  too  modest,  and  the  girl,  if  disengaged,  will  have  you." 

"Carlton! — will  you  write  such  a  letter?  If  you  will,  I'll 
deliver  it." 

"Done ! — and  I'll  write  you  as  many  more  as  you  like." 

"Suppose,  then,  you  do  another  for  Miss  Brown?  and  so  I 
shall  have  two  snaps." 

"Agreed — when  shall  I  do  them  ?" 

"Any  time  between  this  and  next  Saturday.  I  shall  be  in  Wood- 
ville  then,  you  know — so  'tis  settled, — come,  I'm  tired,  let's  go  to 
bed." 

The  two  letters  were  duly  concocted,  the  first  one  to  be  de- 
livered to  Miss  Smythe,2  the  other,  in  case  of  the  first  failing,  was 
to  be  sent  to  Miss  Brown;  but  if  Miss  S.  was  disengaged  and 
smiled  propitious,  John  was,  to  all  intents  and  purposes,  a  mar- 
ried man ;  and  Miss  Brown  was  to  have  no  opportunity  of  revenge. 

The  letter  for  Miss  Smythe  was  as  follows : — 

"Miss  E.  A.  SMYTHE, 

"A  knowledge  of  your  character,  derived  from  mutual  friends, 
from  the  opinion  of  all  your  acquaintances,  and  also  from  a  some- 
what intimate  personal  acquaintance,  induces  me  to  believe  that 
such  a  lady  would  fill  the  vacancy  in  my  domestic  establishment 
most  perfectly  and  delightfully : — although  I  am  not  vain  enough 
to  suppose  Miss  Smythe  will  necessarily  feel  herself  flattered  by 
such  a  preference  on  the  part  of  the  writer.  As,  however,  Miss 
S.  on  better  acquaintance,  might  become  interested  in  him — 
more  so  at  least  than  he  fears  she  is  at  present — he  very  respect- 
fully, yet  most  earnestly,  craves  permission  to  pay  his  addresses 
in  person. 

"Very  truly,  your  humble  servant, 

"But  great  admirer, 

JOHN  GLENVILLE." 

The  letter  to  Miss  Brown,  or  rather  for  her,  as  it  was  ad- 
dressed to  the  father,  was  this: — 
"My  dear  sir, 

"In  a  playful  conversation  on  a  subject  so  common  when  un- 

2  She  was  distantly  related  to  the  Smiths  in  the  city,  and  their  kinsfolks 
the  Smythes. 


394  FOURTH  YEAR 

married  persons  meet,  your  daughter,  Miss  Brown,  in  a  jesting 
manner,  remarked,  that  she  always  referred  gentlemen  to  her 
father — as  his  choice  would  always  be  hers.  What  was  jest  with 
her,  with  me  would  have  become  very  solemn  earnest,  had  I  had 
then  to  offer  any  thing  beyond  my  hand  and  my  heart,  to  induce 
such  a  girl  to  leave  such  a  home.  Happily,  circumstances  are  now 
favourably  altered ;  and  willingly  now  would  I  ask  that  father  for 
his  daughter  could  I  flatter  myself  the  daughter  could  be  induced 
to  gladden  and  adorn  a  hearth,  which,  however  warm  in  one  sense, 
must  be  yet  cold  and  cheerless  without  the  love  of  a  bosom  friend. 
And  such  a  friend  would  Miss  Brown  prove: — and,  dear  sir,  if 
you  think  such  a  match  suitable  for  your  lovely  daughter,  I  sin- 
cerely entreat  the  communication  of  your  favourable  opinion  to 
her  in  my  behalf — hoping  that  the  daughter's  choice  then  may  be 
as  the  father's. 

"I  have  sir,  the  honour  to  be 

"Your  obedient  servant, 

"J.  GLENVILLE." 

On  Saturday  Glenville  came;  when  after  reading,  criticising, 
correcting,  and  laughing,  he  took  copies  of  the  letters;  it  being 
arranged,  that  he  put  one  in  each  coat  pocket,  and  on  waiting 
next  day  on  Miss  Smythe  from  church,  he  should,  at  a  proper 
time,  hand  her  the  proper  letter.  And  all  this  he  accordingly  did^ 
and  with  no  greater  blunder  than  putting  his  hand  into  the 
Brown  pocket,  and  pulling  out  the  wrong  letter — which,  if  he  had 
also  delivered  it  to  Miss  Smythe,  would  have  made  our  book  still 
more  interesting — but  he  fortunately  corrected  his  error  in  time, 
and  prevented  a  very  handsome  laugh  at  our  expense. 

To  save  Miss  S.  the  awkwardness  of  a  special  messenger,  and  to 
avoid  prying  eyes  at  the  post-office,  Glenville,  on  bowing  adieu  at 
the  lady's  door,  stated  that  he  would  call  in  person  next  morning 
for  an  answer.  At  that  time,  therefore,  after  lots  of  speculating 
as  to  the  style  and  manner  of  the  answer,  Glenville,  with  Miss 
Brown's  letter  in  his  pocket,  and  anxious  not  to  be  too  early  for 
the  lady's  convenience,  nor  too  late  for  the  ardent  affection  he 
intended  to  have,  marched  off  very  bravely,  looking  back  once  or 
twice  and  shaking  his  fist  as  he  caught  sight  of  our  cachinating 
faces. 


FOURTH  YEAR  395 

Well,  in  due  season  he  returned — but  what  pen  or  pencil  can 
give  the  odd  expression  of  that  face ! 

"Well,  Glenville,  what  luck?" — (Can  I  ever  forget  the  pecu- 
liar intonation,  emphasis,  inflection  of  that  answer?) 

"Engaged!" 

"Is  it  possible ! — but  if  she  had  not  been,  what  then  ?" 

"Bah! — do  you  think  I  asked  her?" 

"Why  not  ? — I  should  like  to  know  what  she  thinks  of  you." 

"Why  not ! ! — in  case  she  did  not  fancy  me,  was  I  going  to 
suffer  a  double  refusal,  when  one  is  decisive?" 

"Haw !  ha !  he ! 3  what  have  you  done  with  Miss  Brown's 
letter?" 

"Dropp'd  it  in  the  office  as  I  came  along;  and  there's  a  chance 
for  Miss  Brown  to  have  her  revenge.  Bet  a  dollar  she  says  no!" 

The  case  of  my  friend  was  like  that  of  the  school  boy,  who 
described  his  disappointment  in  a  composition,  which  we  shall 
here  introduce  to  fill  up  the  time  till  the  return  mail. 

"COMPOSITION  ON  HUNTING." 

"The  other  morning  I  went  out  a  hunting  with  father's  duck- 
gun  what  he  brung  out  from  Kentucky ;  but  as  I  had  no  luck,  I 
allowed  I  might  as  well  put  off  for  home ;  and  so  I  turn  about  and 
goes  towards  home.  As  I  come  to  the  edge  of  our  clearin,  what 
should  I  see  away  off  on  the  top  of  a  dead  walnut,  but  a  black 
crow!  And  so  I  makes  up  my  mind  to  try  and  hit  him.  The 
critter  was  more  nor  three  hundred  yards  from  me ;  but  I  insinu- 
ates myself  along  as  near  as  two  hundred  yards  to  the  feller ;  when 
he  begins  a  showing  signs  of  flittin :  and  so  I  trees  where  I  was  in 
a  minute.  Well,  I  determines  to  try  him  there,  although  'twas 
near  as  good  as  desperut  to  try  a  black  crow  that  distance  with  a 
shot-gun;  although  father's  duck-gun's  the  most  powerful  shot- 
gun in  the  Purchis.  Howsomdever,  I  wanted  the  load  out;  and 
I  thought  I  might  as  well  fire  that  a  way  as  any  other — and  so 
up  I  draws  the  piece  very  careful,  and  begins  a  taking  aim, 
thinking  all  the  while  I  shouldn't  hit  him:  still  I  tuk  the  most 
exactest  aim,  as  if  I  should;  when  just  then  he  hops  about  two 
nearer  my  way,  as  if  to  get  a  look  round  my  tree,  where  he 

3  We  do  not  expect  the  reader  to  laugh  here,  unless  he  is  so  disposed — 
I  only  laughed  at  the  time  because  I  could  not  help  it. 


396  FIFTH  YEAR 

smelt  powder — and  then,  thinking  all  the  time,  as  I  said,  I  shouldn't 
hit  him,  as  the  distance  was  so  most  powerful  fur,  I  blazed  away ! 
— and  sure  enough,  as  I'm  alive — I  didn't  hit  him !" 

Now  Glenville,  from  the  distance  of  his  second  shot,  insisted 
he  should  never  hit:  yet  how  near  he  came  may  be  conjectured 
from  the  following  replies  to  his  epistle : — 

"JOHN  GLENVILLE,  ESQ., — 

"Dear  Sir— 

******        and  the  inclosed 
from  my  daughter,  to  whom  was  handed  your  late  communica- 
tion,    contains,     I    presume,    the    most     satisfactory    answer, 
*  *  *  *        and        *  *  * 

"Yours,  very  respectfully,  &c. 

"REDMAN  GREEN  BROWN. 

Now,  this  sentence  in  the  envelope  containing  a  sealed  letter 
from  Miss  Brown,  brought  "the  crow  about  two  feet  nearer :"  and 
John's  eyes  began  to  sparkle,  although  he  continued  humbly 
affirming  that  the  sealed  epistle  contained — "No !" 

"SiR:— 

"I  honour  you  for  honesty,  as  I  am  satisfied  you  assign  true 
reasons  for  not  taking  one  to  share  your  home;  although  the 
reasons  themselves  can  never  seem  satisfactory  where  one  was 
willing  to  share  another's  heart.  For,  like  most  girls  in  their  days 
of  romance,  that  one  cared  to  find  only  a  heart  when  she  married. 
As  my  own  home  is  sufficiently  comfortable,  there  can  be  no  in- 
ducement to  wish  another,  however  comfortable,  in  the  New 
Purchase;  and  where  its  owner  seems  to  think  'altered  circum- 
stances' are  important  in  winning  a  woman's  love.  But  to  show 
that  kindness  is  estimated  that  would  spare  my  delicacy,  by 
leading  my  dear  father  to  think  all  our  conversation  had  been 
sportive,  I  do  hereby  most  cordially — (here  John  looked!  oh!  I 
tell  you  what!) — invite  you  to  our  Christmas  festivities,  when  the 
writer  changes  her  name  from  Mary  Brown  to  Mary  Burleigh." 

"There,  Carlton!  I  told  you  so — I  said  it  would  be — no!  And 
yet  secretly  did  I  wish — ay!  do  wish  it  now — that  the  answer 
could  be — yes!  I  am  glad  the  girl  has  her  revenge;  but  still  I 
have  known  too  many  hardships  not  to  feel  happy  in  the  re- 
flection, that  one  I  did  love  a  little,  and  could  now  love  a  great 
deal,  has  never  been  called  to  share  them." 


FIFTH  YEAR  397 

And  so  after  all,  reader,  our  chapter  ends  without  a  wedding! 
proving  how  hard  it  is  to  get  an  old  bachelor  married.  Another 
year  we  may,  perhaps,  be  more  successful. 


CHAPTER     L. 
FIFTH  YEAR. 

"The  three  R's— Readin,  Ritin,  Rithmetic." 

London  Alderman's  Toast. 

****** 

"I  saw  a  smith  stand  witih  his  hammer  thus — 
The  whilst  his  iron  did  on  the  anvil  cool, 
With  open  mouth  swallowing  a  tailor's  news." 

A  GREAT  quarrel  between  the  Rev.  C.  Clarence  and  the  Com- 
monwealth of  Woodville,  was  in  reference  to  the  kind  of  educa- 
tion fit  for  Hoosiers,  Woolverines,  and  other  true  democrats.  Our 
man  of  learning  contended  for  a  liberal  and  thorough  discipline  of 
the  mind ;  while  we  insisted  on  a  practical  education.  He  argued 
that  no  course  of  education  paid  for  by  the  government,  ought  to 
have  exclusive  regard  to  any  class,  or  to  any  one  art,  trade,  or 
profession:  but  that  where  the  State  furnished  the  means,  the 
best  intellectual  education  should  be  given  both  to  the  poor  and 
the  rich.  Nay,  he  even  affirmed  that  men  ought  not  to  be  trained 
as  mere  Americans,  and  much  less  as  mere  western  or  eastern  citi- 
zens ;  but  as  men  of  the  world,  as  gentlemen,  as  Christians. 

About  this  time  Mind,  having  been  accommodated  with  a  pair 
of  legs,  and  the  said  legs  being  fitted  with  seven  league  boots,  had 
marched  our  way,  and  was  now  marking  time  very  furiously  in 
the  Purchase.  Indeed,  we  began  to  be  born  in  circumstances 
favourable  to  sucking  in  thought,  or  something  else,  from  ma- 
ternal breasts :  and  by  aid  of  patent  books  and  machinery,  we  now 
obtained  as  much  knowledge  by  the  time  we  could  carry  a  rifle,  or 
tree  a  raccoon,  as  our  grandmothers  had  acquired  in  a  long  life ! 
And  all  this  was  real  American,  United  States'  learning ! — useful, 
practical  stuff! — such  as  would  enable  a  fellow  to  get  his  own 
bread  and  butter ;  or  in  New  Purchase  terms,  his  hog  and  hominy ! 


398  FIFTH  YEAR 

In  the  far  east,  it  is  true,  circumstances  demanded  many  knowl- 
edges— chemistry,  botany,  anatomy,  conchology,  bugology,  insect- 
ology, phrenology,  animal  magnetism, — any  one  of  which  science, 
or  no  science,  could,  in  the  improved  era,  be  mastered  by  hearing 
three  lectures  and  reading  one  pamphlet,  and  all  of  them  in  a 
few  weeks;  at  least,  all  that  was  practical  and  useful  to  gain 
money  with:  for  so  nut-shelly  had  all  books  and  subjects  become, 
that  all  could  be  even  cracked  and  devoured  in  infant  schools ! 
Yea !  and  any  teacher  could  administer  a  rich  and  nutritious 
literary  pap,  that  made  children  bloat  right  up — and  till  they 
perspired  knowledges  through  their  very  pores !  And  yea !  again, 
till  every  body  has  been  taught  every  thing — and  curiosity  itself  is 
satiated ! — and  the  Mind  having  had  a  long  and  wearisome  march, 
and  a  toilsome  beating  of  time,  has  drawn  off  its  boots  and  is  laid 
down  in  a  deep  and  death-like  repose!  But  in  the  Purchase, 
utility  required  little  beyond  the  learned  alderman's  R.  R.  R. ; 
except  a  little  "Jogafree,"  and  "Surveyin"  enough  to  run  lines 
around  a  quarter  section :  which  were  "naterally  allowed  to  be  a 
sorter  useful  like." 

Nor  was  our  inference  to  be  blamed,  if  education  be,  as  it  has 
been  made  for  the  last  twenty-five  years,  and  is  to  be  made  for 
the  next  fifty,  thing  of  utility,  latitudes  and  meridians;  for  we 
New  Purchase  folks  lived,  not  as  folks  at  Boston,  or  New-York ; 
and  did  not,  hence,  need  the  same  kind  of  education.  Nor  cared 
we  for  other  people's  notions,  being  content  with  our  own.  If  the 
Great-North-American-United-States  Theories  and  Systems  are 
founded  in  true  philosophy,  then  the  Rev.  Charles  Clarence,  A.M. 
should  have  come  down  from  his  stilts,  and  become  popular  and 
useful,  and  have  educated  us  as  we  wished,  and  not  as  we  ought 
to  be.  And  many  were  the  friends  he  would  have  bought ;  ay,  and 
he  could  have  made  some  money  too,  had  he  spoken  in  favour  of 
Patent  Picture  Books  that  represented  truth  and  falsehood  too, 
enigmatically;  and  had  he  abused  classical  learning!  Had  he 
delivered  Taylorian  twattle!  or  sent  two  boxes  of  dried  bugs!  or 
a  chest  of  flints!  with  a  pair  of  globes,  a  double  wooden  cone, 
and  other  toys  to  common  schools!  And  had  he  not  advocated 
heathen  establishments,  where  poor  darling  children  read  about 
Jupiter,  and  Venus,  and  other  he  and  she  divinities,  instead  of 


FIFTH  YEAR  399 

those  noble,  man-confiding,  common  schools,  which  in  some 
places  so  abhor  all  gods,  as  to  acknowledge  none  either  by  public 
prayer,  or  the  reading  of  a  Divine  Revelation ! 

Fortunate  times !  when  a  politician  may  acquire  reputation  for 
all  learning,  and  patriotism,  and  wisdom,  and  philanthropy,  by 
making  a  fourth-rate  plagiarized  speech  before  some  third-rate 
Lyceum  in  favour  of  Practical  American  Education!  Or  by 
sending  five  and  a  half  dollars  worth  of  pebbles  and  toy-machinery 
to  the  People's  School  to  impart  the  knowledges ! 

Alas !  Clarence,  little  believed  I  once  in  your  predictions !  We 
thought  you  an  ill-boding  crow !  And  yet  Classical  Learning  with 
all  its  generous,  manly,  and  intellectual  cognates  is  in  most  places 
dead — in  all  dying!  In  his  last  letter  Clarence  himself  thus 
writes : — 

"I  am  now  in  an  incorporated  classical  and  mathe- 
matical academy  at  the  capital  of  a  boastful  little  State — a 
school  where  once  numerous  pupils  were  disciplined  in  my  favour- 
ite system,  and  in  due  time  became  men.  But  "Othello's  occupa- 
tion's gone!"  I  have  only  three  pupils  professedly  studying  even 
Latin !  and  that  only  to  understand  law-terms!  The  rest  are  liter- 
ally in  the  R.  R.  R.  and  Jogerfree!  Indeed,  in  a  population  of 
some  twelve  thousand  bodies,  we  can  count  but  twelve  souls  as 
classical  scholars  in  any  of  the  schools,  public  or  private!  So 
much  for  utilitarianism.  It  pulls  down ;  it  never  has,  it  never  can 
build  up!  It  will  hardly  go  to  heaven  if  not  paid  for  it!  Carlton ! 
are  we  out  of  the  woods?  Has  that  impudent  far-famed  Theory 
of  Practical  Education,  made  us,  as  was  promised,  richer  and 
happier  and  better?  Does  it  not  seem,  that  Providence  has  per- 
mitted our  losses  and  distresses  to  show,  among  other  matters, 
that  where  education  is  debased  into  a  system  to  sharpen  men's 
wits  and  appetites,  and  furnish  instruments  merely  with  which  to 
make  money  and  spend  it,  that  education  is  a  curse?  After  all, 
are  there  not  very  many  illiterate  fellows  worth  immense  estates, 
who  can  barely  "read,  rite,  and  sifer?"  and  who  are  vastly  richer 
than  the  best  utilitarian  school  system  ever  made  any  body  ?  And 
as  to  mere  knowledge  and  knowledges,  separate  from  mental  dis- 
cipline, are  they  not  productive  of  more  evil  than  good,  more 
sorrow  than  pleasure  ?  To  educate  men  for  making  most  money 


400  FIFTH  YEAR 

in  the  shortest  time,  tends  directly  to  content  them  with  the  short- 
est, the  cheapest,  the  most  paltry  education;  and  it  is  natural  all 
mere  utilitarian  schemes  should  degenerate  into  the  most  pitiful 
and  meagre  systems.  After  all,  an  education  in  mental  discipline, 
in  the  good  old  way,  is  the  best  for  practical  uses ;  and  if  a  dis- 
ciplined man  fail  in  making  money  or  gaining  worldly  houours,  he 
never  can  fail,  if  virtuous,  in  possessing  his  intellectual  superiority 
and  its  concomitant  joys;  but  my  paper  is  out.  Farewell."1 

Yes,  Clarence,  you  were  right  and  we  wrong.  Well  do  I  remem- 
ber your  lectures  and  conversations,  in  which  you  insisted  it  was 
wrong  to  appeal  so  exclusively  to  the  selfish  and  political  feelings 
and  views,  and  thus  coax  men  to  have  schools.  How  you  argued 
that  whole  communities,  if  disappointed  in  immediate  and  profit- 
able results,  came  soon  to  ask  "cui  bono?"  not  only  as  to  the 
classics,  but  even  as  to  the  sacred  R.  R.  R.  themselves.  For  what 
was  else  to  be  expected,  when  virtue  itelf  was  valued  as  it  was 
found  useful;  and  honesty  practiced  and  tolerated,  because  the 
best  policy? 

Yes!  yes!  thy  mantle  is  fallen  upon  me!  the  puerile  picture- 
book,  the  question  and  answer,  the  no-studying,  the  cheap  as  dirt, 
and  nearly  as  worthless  systems,  shall  all  themselves  come  in  due 
time  to  be  neglected !  Ay !  for  a  while,  a  time  and  a  half  time,  in 
some  degrees  and  minutes  and  seconds  shall  rage  utility  and  selfish- 
ness ;  and  this  lower  world's  honours  and  glories  shall  be  sought  and 
not  found  for  everybody  and  everybody'  son  in  the  lecture  system, 
and  the  common  school  system,  and  the  lyceum  system ;  and  then 
before  the  reformation  shall  the  friend-to-man  and  humbug-sys- 
tem, as  well  as  the  nobility-making  and  the  aristocratical  teaching 
first  receive  nothing  from  pupils,  and  then  pay  a  premium  for 
scholars !  Amen. 

Our  professor,  however,  did  persuade  a  few  to  lay  the  proper 
foundation  of  mental  discipline  in  the  proper  union  of  classical 
and  abstract  mathematical  studies.  And  so  well  did  he  cause  to 
appear  the  few  thus  persuaded,  in  contrast  to  equals  restricted 
elsewhere  to  the  beggarly  elements  of  a  good  (  ?)  English  educa- 

1  Since  writing  the  above  Clarence  informs  me  the  trustees  have  dis- 
missed him  and  shut  the  Academy,  as  the  people  do  not  wish  a  classical 
school  at  all ! 


o 
U 


FIFTH  YEAR  401 

tion ;  and  so  manifest  had  it  become,  that  the  R.  R.  R.  and  other 
common  and  even  uncommon  English  branches  could  all  be  ac- 
quired, while  pupils  were  laying  the  proper  foundation,  that  not 
only  were  some  of  the  Woodville  commonwealth  induced  to  try 
"the  high  and  big-bug  larnin,"  but  pupils  for  the  same  purpose 
began  to  come  from  abroad.  And  these  were  styled  Foreign  and 
Strange  Students. 

And  then,  dear  reader,  as  moneys  came  in,  you  have  no  idea 
how  converts  increased  to  the  doctrine  of  College-utility!  for 
none  could  deny  the  utility!  It  was  tangible,  visible,  audible! 
With  our  own  eyes  we  saw  Cash !  handled  it  with  our  fingers ! 
heard  it  jingle  with  our  ears!  And  all  at  once  "high  laming" 
became  as  popular  as  common  schools.  It  was  equal  to  a  pro- 
ductive system,  or  grammar!  It  raised  the  wind!  It  brought 
the  rhino!  Only  show  that  a  school,  an  academy,  a  college,  or, 
a  church,  will  advance  the  value  of  town  lots — bring  in  more 
consumers — create  a  demand  for  beef,  cloth,  pepper  and  salt, 
powder  and  shot ;  then,  from  the  vulgar  plebeian  dealing  in  shoe 
leather,  up  to  the  American  nobleman  dealing  in  shops,  and  who 
retails  butter  and  eggs,  we  shall  hear  one  spontaneous  voice  in 
favour ! 

But  wo,  Pedagogue,  if  all  are  not  speedily  benefited  by  your 
school!  Wo!  if  town  lots  rise  not!  if  boots  are  not  worn  with 
dandy  heels!  if  everybody  that  has  one  spare  room  and  two  gar- 
rets, obtain  not  boarders !  if  cloth  sells  not  ever  so  many  hundred 
per  cent,  above  cost !  if,  in  short,  you  enrich  not  all  your  dear  fel- 
low-townsmen ! — then  shall  you  hear  the  growlings  of  swine-like 
selfishness,  and  be  asked  "what's  the  use  of  learning?"  Then  shall 
you  be  complimented  with  many  honorary  titles,  as  "pitiful 
schemer !" — "book  worm !"  "idle  rascal !"  Or,  all  will  be  summed 
in  "darn'd  Yankee !" — the  most  comprehensive  A.M.  that  can  be 
bestowed  in  the  Purchase,  saving  two  lower  case  "d.  d."  a  few 
years  after  this  innocently  given,  because  he  was  "out  of  sorts," 
by  our  college  printer  to  the  worthy  and  reverend  Constant 
Bloduplex,  d.  d. 

The  star  of  Clarence  was,  however,  on  the  ascendant ;  and  he 
that  had  introduced  "the  d n  Yankee  trick"  of  exacting  writ- 
ten excuses,  was  suddenly  discovered  to  be  "a  powerful  and 


402  FIFTH  YEAR 

mighty  clever  feller!"  And  his  "high  larn'd  idees"  had  more  good 
in  them  than  one  could  have  conjectured!  But  when  two  gentle- 
men from  a  slave  State  appeared  in  Woodville,  at  the  opening  of 
this  summer's  session,  and  not  merely  with  three  boys  as  new 
scholars,  but  with  the  avowed  intentions  of  buying  town  lots  and 
living  with  us  till  the  education  of  their  sons  should  be  completed  ; 
and  when  these  gentlemen  were  seen  in  broadcloth  coats  with 
yellow  buttons,  and  canton  crape  pantaloons,  walking  round  and 
examining  sites  for  dwellings — then  was  the  college  extolled  to 
the  very  heavens!  And  Clarence!  what  did  he  not  become?  If 
not  a  demi-god,  at  least  within  a  fourth  of  it — a  veritable  semi- 
demi-one,  a  genuine  terrestrial  quarter-deus ! 

Poor  fellow !  he  was  a  little  inflated  by  the  popular  breath ;  and 
mistaking  the  vox  populi  for  the  vox  dei,  he  said  the  college  was 
safe !  and  that  Providence  had  some  remarkably  excellent  things 
in  view  for  the  great  valley  of  the  Mississippi  in  general,  and  for 
our  portion  of  it  in  particular !  Ah !  enthusiast !  how  you  made 
us  thrill  with  your  paintings  of  our  future!  How  you  thanked 
Heaven  for  casting  your  lot  among  us !  and  dreamed  of  sumptuous 
edifices  for  colleges!  and  libraries!  and  apparatus!  and  crowded 
recitation  rooms!  You  lost  sight  of  your  own  principles,  and 
thought  pyramids  could  be  built  on  air!  Happily,  my  friend's 
day-dreaming  was  soon  dispelled,  or  he  would  have  been  ruined. 
As  it  was,  he  increased  his  own  library  many  fold.  He  bought 
Minoras,  and  Majoras,  and  Homers,  and  Ciceros,  and  lexicons, 
and  concordances,  and  antiquities,  and  anthologies  and  architec- 
tures— and  would  have  ordered  the  whole  stock  of  the  Carvils — 
as  if  beastly  selfishness  in  a  community  was  the  basis  for  a  large 
library,  more  than  for  a  liberal,  manly,  gentlemanly,  and  Christian 
education ! 

In  these  pleasing  circumstances,  our  Principal  relaxed  not  the 
reins  of  wholesome  discipline.  And  at  this  very  juncture,  our 
Faculty  had  promulgated  a  decree  against  something ;  but  on  find- 
ing both  public  and  private  admonition  unavailing,  they  advertised 
that  the  next  transgression  would  be  visited  by  a  brief  suspension. 
On  the  very  next  day  two  pupils  were  seen  by  both  masters,  and 
in  the  very  act  of  disobedience;  and  of  course  Crabstick  and 
Thorntree  were  suspended  for — twenty-four  hours! 


FIFTH  YEAR  403 

Many  things  create  surprise  in  our  mysterious  world,  which 
are  followed,  some  by  contempt,  others  by  indignation  and  rage. 
A  tom-cat  exquisite  leaps  lightly  on  a  toilette  before  a  glass,  and 
for  the  first  sees  a  rival  waving  a  taper  tail,  arching  a  velvet  back, 
and  purring  with  the  most  provoking  complacency — all  where  he 
had  reigned  alone!  His  eye  dilates  with  amazement!  yet  in  a 
moment  he  intrudes  his  nose  behind  the  mirror  and  the  antagonist 
cat  is  vanished!  And  Tom  ever  after  treats  such  semblances 
with  the  coolest  indifference. 

Not  so  Haw-Buck,  who  came  into  town  to  see  the  battle  of 
Bunker  Hill.  His  surprise  was  followed  with  indignation  at  the 
reckless  chaps  that  handled  fire-arms  so  carelessly.  "Why  darn 
"em,"  as  he  took  off  his  ram-beaver  and  saw  a  hole  in  its  cylinder, 
"why  darn  'em !  if  they  hain't  a  firin  bullits !" 

The  surprise  of  Woodville,  in  its  consequences,  was  analogous, 
not  to  that  of  pussy,  but  of  Haw-Buck.  The  pupils  generally 
heard  the  sentence  with  a  look  that  said — "we  allow  the  masters 
don't  know  what  they  are  doing !" — while  Crabstick  and  Thorntree 
left  the  room  in  manifest  indignation !  And  then,  in  a  few  hours, 
the  fama  clamosa  was  conveyed  to  every  man,  woman  and  child 
in  all  Woodville;  and  in  a  few  more,  to  every  one  in  our  whole 
settlement ! 

At  first,  our  community  was  dumb!  Yard-sticks  were  arrested 
in  admeasurements !  Needles  stood  with  thread  in  the  eye !  Wax- 
ends  stuck  in  awl-holes!  Planes,  hammers,  axes,  saws,  and  other 
industrious  implements  ceased  operating !  And  our  folks  hurried 
forth  to  unite  wonders !  Every  store  became  crowded ;  and  every 
bar-room  and  doggery !  Knots  of  wise  persons  gathered  at  every 
corner;  and  all  places  were  full  of  winks,  shrugs,  elevated  eye- 
brows, puckered  mouths,  and  quivering  noses! 

It  was  soon  rumoured  that  Thorntree,  a  foreign  student,  had 
hired  a  horse  from  Liebug,  and  in  an  uncontrollable  fit  of 
dudgeons  gone  home  to  his  father,  Major  Thorntree.  And  then, 
if  our  regulators  had,  like  the  ass  in  one  of  his  phases,  been  dumb, 
they  now  imitated  him  in  another ;  for  no  unanimous  braying  of  a 
herd  of  donkeys  could  equal  the  hideous  outcries  of  my 
townsmen ! 

My  store  was  always  a  head  quarters,  for  I  was  a  leading  trus- 


404  FIFTH  YEAR 

tee;  beside  we  were  liberal  in  the  nut  and  apple  line;  and  also 
gave  third-rate  raisins  to  women  and  children,  and  fragments  of 
lead,  or  a  second-rate  flint  to  a  chap.  But  above  all  "Carltin  was 
the  feller  to  play  the  flute  and  the  fiddle,  and  his  ole  woman,  the 
body  what  could  rattle  the  pianny!"  For  some  days,  our  store 
was  now  jammed  with  representatives  extra  from  all  the  arts, 
trades  and  professions ;  yes,  and  ages  and  sexes ;  and  I  was  worn 
down  with  talking  and  hearing,  but  without  selling  a  dollar's 
worth.  I  took  revenge,  indeed,  by  giving  away  no  goodies,  and 
hinting  to  some  of  the  most  violent  and  abusive  a  settlement  of 
accounts. 

SPECIMENS  OF  TALK. 

"I  say,  Mr.  Carlton,  ain't  you  goin  to  put  the  fellers  out?" 

'Tut  out!  why?" 

"Why! — why  it's  plain  enuf  they've  gone  on  like  'ristecrats — 
and  won't  it  take  away  a  poor  man's  livin  ?" 

"Just  the  other  way,  if  all  was  understood " 

"Didn't  Thorntree  get  boots  of  me  ?" 

"Yes — and  cakes  and  candy  at  our  shop?" 

"And  what's  more  to  the  pint,  Carltin,  won't  the  Major  go 
agin  us  next  legislator?" 

"Well — arter  all,  what  did  the  studints  do?  only  break  a 
d d  Yankee  reg-lashin  for  five  minits  or  so?" 

"Yes — and  the  master  down  our  settlemint  says  he  never  heern 
tell  of  sich  a  rule ;  and  he's  sentimentally  of  opinion  it's  a  robbin 
a  boy  of  his  money  by  keepin  him  out  a  school  for  nothun  no 
how " 

"I  tell  you  what,  I  heern  Bob  say  he  expects  Squire  Brompton 
is  going  agin  'em — Clarinse  and  all " 

"That's  my  sentiments,  'cos  Major  Thorntree " 

"No — that's  not  the  why ;  but  Bob  thinks  the  Squire  won't  sell 
his  lots  to  them  what's  to  be  new  comers " 

"Have  the  gentlemen  given  up  the  bargain?" 

"Well,  I  don't  know  as  they  has ;  but  Bob  says  he  expects  the 
Squire  will  think  so " 

"What's  Sylvan  say,  Carltin?" 

"I  have  not  heard  him  say  any  thing." 


FIFTH  YEAR  405 

"You  ain't!  well,  Jake  says  ole  man  Hazel  told  his  son's  wife, 
that  the  doctor  tell  him  the  Fakilty  had  been  too  quick " 

"I  do  not  believe  it;  for  the  Faculty  acted  with  the  utmost 
deliberation,  and " 

"Yes — you  always  stick  to  thar  side ;  but  darn  my  leggins,  if  I 
ain't  powerful  glad  they  did  something  to  turn  them  out." 

"Why?" 

"Bekase  they're  sectarians  and  rats ;  and  its  high  time  the  rest 
on  us  had  a  chance.  'Rotashin  in  offus,'  as  old  Hickery  Face 
says — 'rotashin  for  ever!'  " 

"Pick  my  flint !  if  /  didn't  always  say  they'd  do  some  high-hand 
something  some  day,  as  soon  as  Clarinse  made  Polly's  step-son 
bring  excusis  on  paper  in  hand-rite !" 

"Joe  Patchin,  is  Crabstick  and  Thorntree  goin  to  come  back — 
did  you  a  sort  a  hear?" 

"Crabstick  is,  maybe — but  not  tother." 

"Why?" 

"  'Cos  he  said  to  Liebug  when  he  hired  his  hoss,  says  he,  'I  hope 
I  may  be  rowed  up  Salt  River  if  ever  I  cum  back  agin  to  school 

any  more,  if  the  trustees  don't  turn  out  Clarinse  and  Harwood !'  " 
****** 

"And  so,  Mr.  Carltin  your  Board's  a  goin  to  meet !" 
"Yes,  the  Major  is  here  with  his  son,  and  they  insist  on  a  meet- 
ing to  see  who  is  to  blame " 

"Bust  my  rifle !  we'll  dog  out  the  rats  now !" 

"Yes,  Ned,  but  if  the  Faculty  have  done  right " 

"Carltin ! — you're  a  honest  sort  a  feller — but  bust  my  rifle !  if  I 
ever  run  up  a  'count  agin  in  your  'are  store,  if  you  vote  for  the 
fakilty-fellers." 

"Ned! — I'm  sorry  you  would  bribe  me  to  do  wrong;  but,  Ned, 
a  man's  bribe  is  not  very  powerful,  as  long  as  his  old  account  is 

not  paid " 

"You  needn't  a  be  a  hintin  round  that  a  way,  Carltin — I'll  pay 
you  now,  if  you'll  take  all  trade — and  bust  my  rifle!  if  I'll  ever 

buy  a  pound  a  lead  in  this  'ere  store  agin,  no  how !" 

****** 

Such  are  selections  from  our  many  long,  boisterous,  and  angry 
dialogues.  But  pass  we  to  the  next  chapter,  which  narrates  the 
meeting  of  our  Board. 


CHAPTER    LI. 
Vox  Populi ! 

"Look  as  I  blow  this  feather  from  my  face, 
And,  as  the  air  blows  it  to  me  again, 
Obeying  with  my  wind  when  I  do  blow, 
And  yielding  to  another  when  it  blows, 
/Commanded  always  by  the  quater  gust; 
Such  as  the   likeness  of  your  common  men !" 

MAJOR  THORNTREE  having  come  a  wearisome  journey,  from  a 
love  of  justice  and  to  promote  the  welfare  of  Woodville,  (and  so 
he  always  insisted) — our  Board  could  but  consent  to  a  meeting; 
especially  when  the  Major  expressed  his  fears  that  certain  states- 
men x  might  unhappily  influence  the  next  Legislature  to  remove 
the  College,  unless  the  Faculty  were  better  watched  and  governed. 
Beside,  from  the  report  of  his  son,  who  was  a  very  honest  boy  and 
never  said  anything  to  a  person's  prejudice,  and  from  what  had 
been  stated  to  himself  since  his  arrival,  by  some  worthy  citizens 
of  Woodville,  the  Major  really  believed, — (so  he  said) — that  there 
had  been  gross  mismanagement  in  general  by  the  Faculty,  and 
much  shameless  partiality,  and  at  the  expense  of  his  son  particu- 
larly. He  thought,  too,  his  son's  punishment  was  for  a  very  trivial 
offence,  and  had  been  rash,  and  perhaps,  malicious ;  at  all  events, 
it  was  excessive  and  arbitrary,  aristocratic  and  unconstitutional; 
hence,  such  things  must  be  crushed  and  resisted  now,  or  there 
would  be  a  speedy  union  of  church  and  state. 

We,  therefore,  met.  And,  first,  were  convassed  and  rejected 
many  propositions  suggested  to  us  by  different  ones  of  our  num- 
erous lobby-members.  Among  these  proposals  were  some  remark- 
able for  boldness,  simplicity  and  ingenuity ;  such  as  "turn  'em  rite 
out!" — "send  'em  packin!" — "pay  'em  and  have  clone  with  'em! 
— "don't  pay  'em  no  how!" — "sue  for  damejis!"  But  it  was 
finally  determined  by  our  honourable  visitor,  the  Major,  that  we 
should  summon  the  Faculty  and  hear  their  defence!  Nay — he  was 
even  willing  to  have  a  trial ;  as  he  said  witnesses  were  in  attend- 

1  The  Major  was  himself  a  member  of  the  Legislature;  and  hence  had 
fair  opportunities  of  knowing. 


FIFTH  YEAR  407 

ance  from  the  citizens,  and  he  thought  it  proper  also  to  call  on 
all  the  students  for  their  opinion  and  testimony! 

This  was  adopted,  Mr.  Carlton  crying  out  in  the  negative ;  and 
so,  likewise,  would  have  done  Dr.  Sylvan;  but  unfortunately  just 
at  the  time  of  our  meeting,  the  Doctor  was  forced  to  go  and  mix 
medicines  and  then  to  visit  a  patient  in  a  remote  part  of  the 
county ! 

About  the  same  time,  Charles  Clarence  was  employed  in  castle 
building ;  or  what  was  the  same  sort  of  architecture  in  the  Pur- 
chase— in  College  building;  being  seated  on  "a  cloud  capt  tower" 
of  sublime  and  solemn  view !  But  awaked  by  the  braying  dis- 
cord of  Woodville,  he  started  from  his  dream!  and  spite  of  all 
past  experience  he  was  momentarily  amazed!  He  had  caught  a 
new  glimpse  of  a  many-headed  monster!  and  its  enormous  tail! 
He  became  sick  at  heart;  and  the  warm  blood  of  generous  self- 
devotion  in  his  heart  congealed !  He  seemed  in  a  vacuum — as  if 
all  the  air  was  blowing  from  around  him !  Yet,  soon  he  recalled 
important  truths,  such  as — "cease  from  man,  whose  breath  is  in 
his  nostrils !" — "put  not  your  trust  in  princes !" 

And  when  the  first  bitterness  of  the  soul  was  past,  he  remem- 
bered his  Divine  Master ;  who  did  good  to  the  wicked  and  thank- 
less !  yea,  to  enemies !  And  he  thought  the  very  folly  and  ignor- 
ance and  malice  and  idleness  of  a  community,  were  the  very 
things  Christ's  servants  must  strive  to  enlighten,  remove,  correct, 
instruct !  Ashamed  then  of  his  momentary  alarm,  he  recalled  the 
noble  saying  of  an  ancient  statesman  and  warrior,  who  builded  a 
wall  in  troublesome  times ;  and  he  resolved  to  imitate,  and  like  him 
said,— "What !  shall  such  a  man  as  I  flee !" 2 

Meanwhile,  rumour  had  been  tramping  about  with  her  crescit 
eundo;  and,  long  before  the  Faculty  received  our  Scytala,  they  had 
heard  her  cry — "The  Board  has  told  Major  Thorntree,  the  Faculty 
shall  be  tried  and  turned  right  out,  and  shall  be  sued  for  damages 
done  the  school  and  the  State,  and — Woodville,  by  their  uncon- 
stitutional, high-hand,  big-buggish,  aristocratic  yankee  notions ! !" 

The  accused  had  nearly  a  mile  to  walk  to  the  place  of  execu- 
tion; and  along  the  path  were  strewed  the  sovereign  people  to 
see  "the  fellers  go  along  to  git  it!"  Yet  instead  of  beholding 

2Nehemiah  6:  II. 


4o8  FIFTH  YEAR 

"two  fellers"  sneaking  along,  like  officeholders  trembling  about 
their  bread  and  butter,  they  saw  two  gentlemen  proceeding  with  a 
slow  and  somewhat  studied  gait,  with  heads  erect,  countenances 
serene,  and  not  rarely  illuminated  with  smiles  of  mingled  pity  and 
contempt,  benevolence  and  indignation !  Sneers,  therefore,  ready 
to  curl  on  noses,  and  looks  of  vulgar  triumph,  with  which  ol  TTO\\OI 
intended  to  greet  their  victims,  were  changed  into  remarks  and 
looks  of  vexed  admiration;  for  barbarians  of  all  kinds  pay  in- 
voluntary honour  to  calm  and  fearless  conduct  in  those  destined 
to  the  "torture.  Indeed,  the  crowd  to-day,  was  at  a  loss  to  say, 
whether  the  Faculty  were  going  up  town  to  be  tried ;  or  as  lords 
and  judges  to  give  and  interpret  the  laws. 

On  entering  the  court  our  gentlemen  bowed,  and  then  took  sta- 
tions where  such  could  be  found;  for  all  the  stools,  backless 
chairs,  and  even  bedsides  of  Dr.  Sylvan's  room,  where  we  had 
convened,  were  filled;  and  like  all  ultra  fashionables  at  a  jam 
some  of  us  stood,  till  politeness,  necessity,  or  whim  in  those  seated 
and  reclined,  gave  others  a  temporary  seat. 

A  real  calm  ensued;  we,  of  course,  not  knowing  how  to  pro- 
ceed with  our  prisoners,  as  we  were  in  the  predicament  of  the 
Pro-consul,  who  felt  the  awkwardness  of  sending  a  state  prisoner 
to  Caesar  and  without  any  good  accusation.  But  Mr.  Clarence 
himself  kindly  relieved  our  embarrassment  by  breaking  the  ice 
thus : — 

"GENTLEMEN  3 — We  are  here,  though  not  as  delinquents.  We 
come,  however,  not  merely  willing,  but  even  desirous  that  our 
whole  official  conduct  may  be  subjected  to  the  most  rigorous  and 
minute  investigation.  We  are  confident,  if  popular  clamour  be 
disregarded,  and  improper  interference  be  disallowed,  we  are  con- 
fident we  can  make  the  College ;  and,  if  it  must  be  a  reason  for 
the  aid  or  silence  of  some,  we  can  make  the  town.  We  are  ready 
then,  to  give  ample  and  minute  explanations  to  the  Board ;  or  an- 
swer any  question  of  any  of  its  members  about  our  plans,  rules, 
maxims — in  short — our  whole  discipline;  and  are  sure  that  the 
more " 

Here  the  Major  and  without  rising  broke  in — "this  is  all  very 

8  Paul  himself  said,  "Most  noble  Felix ;"  and  so  "genleman"  is  often  a 
title  of  office. 


FIFTH  YEAR  409 

fair,  Mr.  Clarence,  but  the  Board — (the  Major  was  no  member) 
— think  you  have  been  hasty  and  partial ;  and  /  myself,  think,  as 
my  son  has  been  unjustly  used,  you  ought  to  give  some 
satisfaction " 

"I  question  your  right,  Major  Thorntree,"  rejoined  Clarence, 
to  speak  thus  in  the  Board;  but  we  waive  our  objection;  and  if  it 
will  satisfy  you  or  the  Board,  we  submit  to  what  you  may  be 
pleased  to  call  and  consider  a  trial." 

"Well,  sir,  will  you  allow  the  students  to  appear  as  witnesses  ?"  • 

"Willingly  even — that!  And  yet  I  know  not  that  such  a  request 
ought  to  surprise  us  more  than  all  the  proceedings.  Yes,  call  in 
all  the  students — let  them  say  what  is  true — we  invite  the  truth." 

Some  one  here  asked  if  the  boys  should  take  an  oath ! ! 

"No,  sir!  no,  sir!  no!" — said  Clarence — "by  no  means — every 
consideration  is  against  it!  No!  let  them  speak  on  honour  what 
they  know  or  even  believe  to  be  truth!  And  beside,  we  pledge 
our  honour  that  we  will  never  remember  to  their  prejudice  what- 
ever disparaging  things  may  be  said  by  them  as  witnesses." 

A  whisper  of  approbation  began  to  buzz  around  our  lobbies; 
which  sussurration  reaching  the  People  without,  was  answered 
by  a  gentle  "hurrah !  for  the  Fakilty !"  At  this  the  Major  was  a 
leetle  disconcerted.  But  as  he  had  a  little  modesty  that  was 
natural.  He,  then,  remarked : — 

"You  ^seem  in  good  spirits,  gentlemen," — (Clarence  and  Har- 
wood) — "yet  if  I  am  allowed  to  bring  in  all  the  testimony,  your 
confidence  may  be  weaker.  But  how  shall  the  boys  give  their 
testimony,  sir?" 

"I  will  tell  you,  sir,"  replied  Clarence :  "place  a  chair  there : — 
now  call  in  every  body,  without  exception,  and  in  any  order 
deemed  satisfactory — do  not  omit  even  the  two  suspended  boys. 
Then,  let  the  boy  in  the  chair  for  the  time,  first  tell  an  unin- 
terrupted story;  then  let  the  Major,  or  any  member  of  the 
Board,  ask  any  questions,  leading  or  otherwise,  that  he  may  wish ; 
and  then  let  Professor  Harwood  and  myself  have  the  same 
privilege,  and " 

"That's  fair!  if  it  ain't,  bust  my  rifle!" — was  heard  from  with- 
out, manifesting  a  change  in  favour  of  the  right.  And  that,  as 
was  always  the  case,  had  a  corresponding  effect  on  matters  within. 


410  FIFTH  YEAR 

Hence  I  ventured  now  on  no  injudicious  interference.  The  Ma- 
jor, too,  was  evidently  awed  by  this  voice  of  his  masters :  and,  per- 
haps, certain  of  our  young  folks  were  thus  aided  in  speaking  the 
truth,  or  at  least  not  suppressing  it.  Whether  Clarence  designated 
to  be  so  politic  is  not  for  me  to  say; — but  we  lived  in  a  log- 
rolling country — and  even  the  best  of  men  will  manage  in  emer- 
gencies. Indeed,  our  Board  and  its  Major,  only  wanted  the  vox 
populi :  and  Clarence  only  contrived  to  make  their  god  speak — ass 
though  it  often  be. 

The  students,  introduced  one  by  one  into  the  chair,  (with  a  few 
exceptions),  gave  a  united  testimony  in  favour  of  the  Faculty :  and 
even  young  Crabstick  said  nothing  against  them,  save  that  they 
ought  not  to  have  suspended  him — and  yet,- as  it  was  over,  he  said, 
he  intended  to  return  to  school !  The  other  sprout,  Thorntree,  re- 
fused to  appear. 

The  Major,  thus  far  disappointed,  now  proposed  to  call  in  the 
citizens  as  witness,  as  "wrong  had  been  done  by  the  Faculty !  but 
that  boys  stood  naturally  in  awe  of  their  teachers ! !  and,  therefore, 
they  did  not  like  to  tell  all  they  knew ! ! !" 

Clarence  then  remarked: — "Had  not  our  amazement  all  been 
used  up,  gentlemen,  we  should  certainly  be  aghast  at  this ! — but, 
be  it  so — let  our  fellow-citizens  all  come  in ;  and  without  an  oath ! 
We  know  ten  thousand  idle  rumours  are  afloat: — but,  if  every 
honest  man  will  honourably  and  fearlessly,  like  a  backwoodsman, 
state  exactly,  and  neither  more  nor  less  than  what  he  himself  per- 
sonally has  seen,  heard,  and  knows  about  Mr.  Harwood  and  my- 
self, in  all  our  dealing  and  intercourse  with  them  as  citizens,  as 
men,  as  teachers,  as  Christians — I  say,  call  them  in — call  them  in — 

we  are  ready " 

(Outside.) 

"Pick  my  flint — if  I  know  any  thing  agin  the  fakiltymen  arter 
all " 

"Nor  me  nuther — bust  my  rifle  if  I  do !" 

"Well — all  I  know,  I  heern  Patchin's  ole-womun  a-sayin'  she 
heerd  say  they  was  powerful  ristocratty " 

"I'm  sentimentally  of  opinyin,  Ned,  there  ain't  no  use  a-goin' 
in,  if  a  feller  doesn't  know  nothun  of  himself." 

"Bust  my  rifle,  if  we're  quite  sich  fools !" 


FIFTH  YEAR  411 

"Agreed — them's  my  sentiments !" 

"Me  too!" 

This  thunder  on  the  proper  side  from  the  politicians'  god, 
was  operating  to  the  immediate  and  honourable  discharge  of  our 
prisoners ;  and,  perhaps,  with  an  apology  for  the  trouble  caused 
them;  when  the  Major  announced  one  citizen  as  ready  to  state  on 
his  own  knowledge,  things  adverse  to  the  Faculty. 

"Who  is  it,  sir?"  demanded  Clarence. 

"Mtendax  Liebug." 

"Mr.  Liebug!  and  does  Major  Thorntree  ask  this  honourable 
Board  to  believe  without  an  oath,  a  person  not  admissible  in 
yonder  court-house  as  a  witness  even  with  an  oath?  No  Atheist 
shall  ever  testify  semi-judicially  either  for  or  against  me:  and  I 
trust,  gentlemen,  this  will  not  be  permitted — but,  if  otherwise,  be 
the  consequences  what  they  may,  the  instant  Mr.  Liebug  enters 
that  door  as  a  witness,  I  take  my  departure  out  of  this." 

Several  members  of  the  Board  expressed  approbation  of" 
Clarence's  sentiments:  and  the  people,  led  by  the  Hoosier  that 
swore  by  his  rifle,  all  allowed  "it  would  be  most  powerful  onfair 
to  ask  folks  to  believe  anybody  without  swearin/  who  couldn't 
take  a  legal  affidavy."  And  Mr.  Mendax  Liebug  was  not  admitted. 

As  a  last  attempt  to  demolish  the  Faculty,  the  Major  said  he 
would  rest  the  whole  on  one  question  and  answer,  if  Mr.  Clarence 
was  willing. 

"I  am  willing,  sir," — said  Clarence, — "proceed." 

The  people  crowded  to  hear,  won  by  our  Principal's  candour  and 
readiness — two  things  all  potent  with  genuine  woodsmen: — and 
then  the  Major,  with  a  triumphant  flourish,  went  on: — 

"Mr.  Clarence,  you  are  a  preacher;  and  the  Bible  directs  us 
to  do  to  others  as  we  would  be  done  by: — well,  sir,  recall  your 
boyish  days,  and  put  yourself  in  my  son's  place ;  and,  how  would 
you  have  acted,  in  view  of  what  you  deemed  small  laws,  and  how 
would  you  have  regarded  a  Faculty,  that  had  acted  as  you  have 
just  acted  towards  my  son?" 

"Why,  sir,"  said  Clarence,  in  reply,  "I  should  have  acted  just 
as  thoughtlessly  as  your  son  has  acted,  and  as  most  young  men 
every  where  occasionally  act : — I  should,  then,  probably  have 
broken  the  laws  and  abused  a  Faculty ;  and,  of  course,  merited  and 


412  FIFTH  YEAR 

received  what  your  son  merited  and  received — discipline.  Thus  I 
thought  and  should  have  done  when  'a  child ;'  but  having  become  a 
man,  I  have  put  away  childish  things,  and  have  dealt  with  your 
son  now,  as  men  ought  to  have  dealt  with  me  then." 

"Hah!  haw! — perttee  powerful  smart  feller!  if  that  ain't  a  fair 
answer,  bust  my  rifle !  Come,  boys,  let's  be  off — I  allow  Clarinse 
and  'tother  fakilty-man  kin  manudge  collige  better  nor  us.  Who's 
goin'  squirrillin' — no  use  wastin'  time  here  no  longer  no  how !" 

And  so  away  went  the  people ;  and  away  went  the  Trustees ;  and 
away  went  the  Faculty.  But  the  Major  and  they  first  shook 
hands,  in  sign  of  forgiveness  and  amity:  yet  young  Thorntree 
was  not  sent  back  to  school,  and  the  Major  was  ever  more  sus- 
pected as  an  enemy,  than  loved  as  a  friend. 

The  next  day,  honest  Rifle-bust  walked  into  my  store,  and  began 
as  follows: — 

"Well — bust  my  rifle,  Carltin,  if  I  wa'rn't  most  teetotally  and 
sentimentally  wrong  'bout  that  fakilty  thing.  Here,  I've  brung  a 
dozen  squirl  for  your  ole-woman — and  I  want  the  worth  on  'em 
in  lead.  I'll  not  settle  our  whole  'count  now — but  next  week  I'll 
get  that  hoss-beast  for  you,  and  in  sang  time  I'll  likkefy  all " 

"Oh!  no  odds,  Ned!  I  didn't  fear  an  honest  man: — only  use 
your  own  eyes  and  ears,  and  you'll  do  people  justice — here's  your 
lead.  Now  just  step  in  and  see  Mrs.  Carlton,  and  she'll  play 
you  a  tune." 

Accordingly,  in  went  Ned ;  and  directly  up  struck  the  piano — 
not  with  any  of  your  new-fangled  fandangos,  but  with  those 
primitive  movements — "Polly  put  the  Kettle  on" — and — "Go  to 
the  D —  -  and  shake  yourself,"  and  so  forth :  and  soon  could  be 
plainly  heard  Ned  kicking  to  pieces  my  rag  carpet,  in  what  he 
called  a  dance ;  and  then  Mrs.  Carlton's  merry  laugh,  as  Ned  gave 
a  vernacular  version  of  "the  rumpus  'tween  Clarinse  and  the 
Major  and  t'other  fakilty-man,"  and  ended  with  his  "sentimentul 
opinyin  that  the  Majur  was  most  teetotally  discumfiisticutted,  and 
near  about  as  good  as  chaw'd  up." 

Our  Board,  after  this  disturbance,  met  and  enacted  a  code  of 
laws  for  the  guidance  of  the  Faculty,  and  ordained,  among  other 
matters,  that  for  a  first  offence,  should  be  private  admonition : 
for  the  second,  public  admonition  and  for  the  third,  suspension! 


FIFTH  YEAR  413 

This  beautiful  gradation  had  been  mentioned  in  some  venerable 
old  woman's  Prize  Essay  on  Education;  and  was  supposed  to 
embody  the  quintescence  of  all  experience  in  the  art  of  govern- 
ment. It  was  not,  indeed,  stated  whether  the  same  offence  was  to 
be  committed  three  times;  or  three  different  offences;  or  if  the 
same  must  be  done  by  three  different  pupils  in  succession,  or  by 
one  three  times,  to  secure  the  benefits-  of  suspension.  Nor  was 
any  thing  said  about  the  age,  the  understanding,  the  knowledge, 
the  temptations,  the  aggravations  of  an  offender  and  offence.  And 
no  notice  was  taken  of  looks,  words,  gestures,  &c.  &c. — any  or  all 
of  which  often  accompany  one  offence,  and  make  it  equal  to  three 
— ay,  to  three  times  three! 

Hence  our  skillful  application  of  patent  gum  and  gammon  for 
the  teaching  of  teachers,  wrought  as  the  Faculty  predicted — two 
offences  of  the  same  kind  were  repeatedly  committed  by  the  boys 
collectively  and  individually,  and  private  and  public  admonitions 
were  as  plenty  as  beech-nuts ;  while  the  ingenuous  youth  instead 
of  doing  an  old  sin  once  more,  did  a  new  one  twice!  Indeed, 
nothing  was  more  sport  than  to  get  admonition  No.  2;  for  the 
"fellows"  had  come  to  see  plain  enough  that  the  Faculty  were 
not  really  masters  unless  the  pupils  should  be  silly  enough  to  give 
them  that  advantage. 

In  this  state  of  affairs,  a  relative  of  Liebug's  entered  the 
school  and  purposely  committed  offence  No.  I.  Now  No.  I  had 
been  twice  committed  by  other  boys,  and  had  been  duly  rebuked — 
and  so  No.  I  was  decided  by  the  Faculty  in  this  case,  owing  to  the 
great  effrontery  of  young  Brass,  to  be  really  No.  3.  And,  there- 
fore, Mr.  Brass,  jun.  was  promptly  suspended  for  one  week. 

Immediately  Mr.  Brass,  sen.  determined  to  have  a  meeting  of 
our  Board.  But  we,  now  convinced  that  the  old  woman's  or  the 
impertinent  Mr.  Boston's  patent-twaddle-rules,  could  not  be  made 
to  measure  into  all  the  sinuosities  and  around  all  the  angles  of 
behaviour  in  merry  and  cunning  lads ;  and  that  after  all,  well 
qualified  teachers  were  as  competent  to  judge  of  things  as  pert 
or  Taylorian  lecturers,  or  persons  that  have  conducted  infant- 
schools,  or  short-hand  schools,  or  steam  schools  of  ever  so  many 
horse  power — we  now  refused  to  be  called.  Whereupon  Mr. 
Brass,  sen.  in  order  to  spite  the  rats,  went  and  established  a 


414  FIFTH  YEAR 

Sunday-school  in  his  own  house,  and  taught  there  gratuitously 
male  and  female  Owenism !  And  not  satisfied  with  this  revenge, 
he  once,  in  my  store,  tried  to  overcome  professor  Harwood  in  an 
argument  on  the  truth  of  the  Christian  religion;  but  in  this  at- 
tempt he  was  utterly  discomfited,  and  to  the  amusement  of  the 
auditors  seated  on  my  counters.  Wherefore,  Mr.  Brass,  sen., 
advanced  to  where  Mr.  Harwood  reclined,  and  calling  up  the  late 
suspension  of  young  Brass,  he  said  he  had  now  "a  powerful 
d mind  to  thrash  him  for  it." 

This  was  quite  a  favourite  mode  of  arguing  in  the  Purchase  and 
required  much  bodily  strength  and  agility.  How  learned  men  of 
slender  bodies,  pale  faces,  small  hands  and  green  spectacles  would 
have  felt,  in  prospect  of  rencontre  with  such  a  bear,  is  doubtful ; 
but  our  professor,  although  dressed  in  store  cloth  and  rather 
dandy  looking,  betrayed  no  emotion,  and  never  altered  his  half- 
recumbent  attitude.  Yet  plain  was  it,  from  the  flash  of  his  grey 
eyes,  and  the  hard  compression  of  his  lips,  he  was  ready  to  ward 
off  his  antagonist — perhaps,  even  to  spring  on  the  threatening 
brute.  This  Bruin  Brass  perceived ;  and  when  Mr.  H.  coolly  re- 
plied "Very  well,  sir ;  try  it — but  maybe  you'll  find  your  mistake  in 
that  argument,  as  quick  as  you  did  in  the  other," — he  affected  to 
laugh  the  whole  off  as  a  joke!  And  happy!  if  he  valued  sound 
bones ;  for  my  friend  Harwood  was  a  fine  square  built  muscular 
young  Kentuckian,  from  early  life  used  to  every  feat  of  strength 
and  agility,  and  able  now  to  lift  a  barrel  of  flour  in  his  unaided 
arms,  and  carry  it  before  him  and  without  trip  or  pause  full  fifty 
honest  yards! 

Even  the  Spiritual  Church  may  put  defensive  and  carnal  weapons 
into  her  children's  hands  to  keep  at  a  distance  the  sanctimonious 
assassins  and  murderous  snivellers  of  a  canting  and  unholy 
apostacy ;  and  so  cases  do  arise,  where  scholars  may  and  ought  to 
repel  club  logic  with  knockdown  argument.  Yea  and  nay,  an 
atheistic  bear  when  about  to  use  violence  must  be,  if  possible,  re- 
sisted with  physics,  even  as  the  veritable  shaggy-coat  himself; 
metaphysics,  here,  may  come  afterwards. 

My  friend  Harwood  had  conducted  the  debate  as  a  Christian 
and  a  gentleman ;  and  the  double  rebuke  given  the  atheist,  while 
it  had  no  tendency  to  change  his  heart,  quelled  his  beastly  spirit 


FIFTH  YEAR  415 

and  controlled  his  ferocity;  and  ever  after  our  Faculty  were 

free   from  all   fear  of   Mr.   Brass,   sen.,   and  all  trouble   from 
Mr.  Brass,  jun. 


CHAPTER    LIT. 

"You'd  scarce  expect  one  of  my  age, 
To  speak  in  public,  on  the  stage ; 
And  should  I  chance  to  fall  below 
Demosthenes,  or  Cicero, 
Don't  view  me  with  a  critic's  eye, 
But  pass  my  imperfections  by." 

A  GENERAL  truce  and  cessation  of  arms  had  taken  place,  and 
our  Faculty  begin  to  drill  the  quiescent  pupils  for  a  grand  exhibi- 
tion to  come  off  this  fall. 

This  was  to  be,  as  is  everywhere  usual,  of  speeches,  debates 
and  compositions.  Amendments  may  be  necessary;  but  all  ex- 
perience and  reason  itself  favour  generous  emulation  and  honest 
rivalry  in  schools;  and  nothing  better  prepares  for  the  stormy 
conflicts  of  life  than  the  literary  sham  fights  of  college  societies. 
It  is  preposterous  to  train  children  for  a  world  of  romance,  or 
for  a  state  possible  IF  all  were  good.  Beside,  manly  competition 
is  intrinsically  right;  and  is  promotive  of  many  virtues — and  all 
ought  early  to  be  inured  to  arduous  and  noble  contests  for  mas- 
teries. The  opposite  doctrine  is  hateful  for  its  pulling  effemi- 
nacy; and  at  war  with  our  nature  (as  God  made  it),  and  with  the 
Scriptures.  Thus  thought  our  Faculty;  and  so  they  acted — al- 
though evils  incident  to  their  course,  as  to  all  other  excellences 
in  this  life,  were  not  wanting. 

In  due  time  then,  came  the  week  of  examinations  and  exhibi- 
tion ;  and  all  was  turned  into  bustle  and  merriment  in  fitting  our 
Court-house  for  the  great  occasion! 

How  joyous  such  times  to  boys  ay — to  men  who  retain  the 
fresh  and  healthy  feelings  of  boyhood !  But  to  our  half-reclaimed 
young  savages — oh!  it  was  a  time  of  exuberant  joy  in  all  its 
phases  of  fun,  frolic,  raillery,  joke,  and  expectation! 

And  soon  all  Woodville  caught  the  infection;  and  all  were 


416  FIFTH  YEAR 

desirous  of  sharing  the  work  and  speculating  on  its  progress.  As 
for  Carlton,  he  could  not  ''tend  store;"  and  so  leaving  his  boys 
to  sell  what  they  could,  and  devour  the  remnant  of  the  raisins 
and  candy,  away  went  our  dignified  author,  and  soon  contrived 
to  be  elected  by  the  boys  Grand  Master  of  Ceremonies  in  general, 
and  Stage  Fixings  in  particular!  Then  what  a  hauling  of  boards, 
and  planks !  What  a  streaming  over  to  the  Court-house  of  rag- 
carpets,  and  calico  window  curtains !  Oh !  the  clatter  of  candle- 
sticks!— the  pitching  of  these  and  other  articles  on  pounds  of 
tallow  candles  done  up  in  brown  paper  and  tow  strings !  Gemini ! 
the  thundering  of  plank  a-throwing  down  from  two  boys'  shoul- 
ders, or  a-upsetting  from  a  cart!  Cancer!  the  whacking!  the 
pounding  and  nailing!  the  sawing  and  hammering  and  jerking! 
the  talking!  laughing!  screeching!  tearing!  stamping!  quizzing  I 
It  was  a  glorious  chaos. 

Soon,  however,  from  confusion,  came  order;  and  in  less  than 
two  whole  days,  all  was  ready!  a  short  time  considering;  for 
though  we  were  thirty  persons,  only  half  worked,  the  rest  being 
occupied  in  making  the  fun  and  hindering. 

The  work  was,  first,  the  stage.  This  was  erected  between  the 
doors  of  entrance  into  the  court-room  and  opposite  the  forum  or 
judges'  seat — that  honourable  place  being  transformed  into  an 
orchestra,  our  music  being  to  be  three  fiddles  and  one  triangle. 
The  stage-floor  was  spread  with  rag-carpets,  and  the  boxing  of 
the  stairs  ascending  each  from  a  door  to  the  second  story  *  was 
adorned  with  calico  curtains  tastefully  festooned — the  special  per- 
formance of  some  young  ladies  just  returned  from  being  finished 
in  a  boarding  school  of  the  far  East!  Front  of  the  stage,  in  a 
row  were  candles  in  appropriate  stands ;  the  tallest  candles  at  the 
ends,  and  the  shortest  in  the  centre,  thus  presenting  a  graceful 
curve  of  light!  And  all  the  stands  were  decorated  with  fancy 
papers  curled  and  cut  and  f rissled  most  fantastically ; — the  work 
of  Miss  Emily  Glenville's  boarding-school  misses ! 

Under  the  calico  festooning  stood  Windsor  chairs  for  the  Fac- 
ulty and  the  two  rival  societies !  And  near  Professor  Harwood's 
seat,  was  a  cow-bell  of  a  very  soft  and  mournful  voice,  whose 
use  was  to  ring  out  signals  for  the  fiddles  and  the  triangle — not  a 

1V\A.  Vol.  I. 


FIFTH  YEAR  417 

classic  signal  truly,  yet  one  to  which  our  musicians  were  accus- 
tomed, and  not  wholly  at  variance  with  the  harmonies  produced. 
Indeed,  even  to  our  own  cultivated  ears  never  came  sounds  so 
delicious  as  those  of  a  cow-bell,  which  once  ravished  me  with  its 
sudden  tinkle  when  lost  in  the  woods !  Hence  as  associations  like 
utilities  render  things  pleasant,  our  cow-bell  signal  was  not  un- 
acceptable to  our  woodsmen.  It  was,  also,  a  peculiar  link  con- 
necting rough  and  softened  life;  and  it  forcibly  reminded  us  of 
the  milk  of  human  kindness ! 

Our  seats.  These  were  of  doubled  planks,  resting  on  joist, 
logs,  benches,  or  other  planks  placed  edgeways.  Of  these,  not 
one  cracked,  split,  or  tumbled  over  during  the  exhibition:  hence, 
considering  their  loads  and  the  stamping  they  endured  in  the 
applauses, — and  every  thing  was  applauded, — we  have  proof  that 
our  work  was  well  done,  if  not  expeditiously. 

On  the  evening  preceding  the  exhibition,  the  Rev.  Principal 
Clarence  entered  my  store  to  obtain  a  pair  of  pumos,  wishing  to 
tread  the  stage  in  elastic  style;  and  nothing  so  conduces  to  this 
ease  and  grace  as  a  handsome  stocking  and  a  becoming  shoe.  Yet, 
in  vain,  was  every  drawer,  trunk,  or  box  containing  either  shoe  or 
shoe-leather  rummaged  and  re-rummaged,  no  pump  turned  up: 
and  the  gentleman  was  about  to  withdraw  and  make  up  his  mind 
to  walk  the  boards  in  a  shapeless  two-soled  pair  of  calf-skin 
boots.  But  just  then  I  had  mechanically  opened  a  drawer  of 
female  shoes;  when  some  very  large  and  coarse  moroccos  ap- 
peared, with  straps  to  be  joined  by  a  steel  buckle,  and  Clarence 
exclaimed : — 

"Stop!  Carlton,  the  very  thing!" 

"Where?" 

"Why,  those  machines  of  the  softer  sex." 

"Ha !  ha !  he ! — what !  wear  a  woman's  shoe  ?" 

"Certainly — if  I  can  find  any  small  enough — " 

"Buckle  and  all?" 

.  "Oh !  no :  my  wife  will  razee  the  straps,  and  then  the  affairs 
will  look  masculine  enough;  and  we  can  tie  them  with  ribbon, 
pump-fashion." 

"That  will  answer,  I  do  believe:  sit  down  and  try." 

A  pair  was  selected,  yet  perversely  bent  on  spreading  side- 


4i8  FIFTH  YEAR 

ways,  when  pressed  with  the  foot;  but  that  tendency,  it  was 
hoped,  would  be  corrected  by  the  new  mode  of  tieing:  and  hence 
the  man  of  learning  departed  with  his  bargain.  That  night  the 
shoes  were  cropped ;  and  the  Principal,  by  way  of  rehearsal,  was 
walking  in  them  in  his  parlour,  when  in  came  several  senior 
pupils  to  make  come  inquiry  about  the  exhibition.  In  a  moment 
the  transmuted  articles  caught  their  eyes,  and  so  captivated  their 
fancy  that  they  must  ask  whence  were  procured  shoes  so  light  and 
tasteful?  On  learning,  and  being  taught  how  the  sex  could  be 
so  readily  changed,  off  set  they  for  my  store:  and  the  con- 
sequence was,  that  soon  all  the  students  came  for  morocco  non- 
descripts, and  we  sold  during  the  next  day  about  thirty  pairs ! 
Hence  I  became  a  more  decided  friend  of  the  college  than  ever. 
Yes,  academies  are  useful!  I  cleared  by  this  one  speculation  just 
thirty  dollars !  True,  I  lost  about  five  dollars  by  not  charging  the 
usual  New  Purchase  per  centage :  but  then  we  must  sacrifice  some- 
thing for  the  advancement  of  learning,  and  virtue  is  not  always 
profitable! 

The  grand  evening  came  at  last :  and  long  ere  candle  light,  our 
young  gentlemen — (gentlemen,  surely,  when  about  to  speak 
in  ladies'  shoes) — could  be  seen  running  into  and  out  of  and 
around  the  court-house,  busy  as  bees,  and  with  sundry  bundles 
and  packages.  For,  rain  being  threatened,  it  had  been  concluded 
to  dress  and  put  on  the  fine  shoes  up  stairs,  one  society  occupy- 
ing the  jury  room,  the  other  the  council  chamber. 

Finally,  the  signal  for  assembling  was  given  by  the  school 
bell,  half  a  mile  distant,  and  by  a  tin  horn  in  the  centre  of  Wood- 
ville,  being  the  sacred  trumpet  lately  blown  to  convoke  us  to  the 
exhibitions  at  the  camp-meeting:  and  then  in  rushed  all  Wood- 
ville  to  fill  the  vacant  seats.  But  strange!  the  vacant  seats  had 
been  filled  an  hour  before ;  enough  girls  and  young  ladies  having 
been  smuggled  in  by  the  gallant  students  and  a  few  Woodville 
bucks.  And  among  the  number  there  sat  the  ladies  of  the  Profes- 
sors' families — and  all  the  girls  of  Miss  Glenville's  establishment 
— and  that  important  personage  herself — and  Mrs.  Carlton — and 
even  Aunt  Kitty  Littleton  herself,  done  up  in  a  bran  new  crimped 
cap  and  pink  ribbon ! 

As  to  Mr.  Carlton,  in  consideration  of  his  superintendence  and 


FIFTH  YEAR  419 

his  musical  penchant,  he  was  honoured  with  a  Windsor  chair  in 
the  orchestra,  and  adjacent  to  the  fiddles  and  triangles!  Indeed, 
Dan  Scrape  had  invited  Mr.  C.  to  play :  although  the  honour  had 
been  declined,  first,  because  J.  Glenville,  who  had  borrowed  our 
flute  and  fiddle,  had  come  over  to  the  exhibition  and  forgotten  to 
bring  back  the  instruments! — (sub  rosa,  he  left  them  behind  pur- 
posely)— secondly,  Mr.  C.  could  not  play  any  instruments  but  his 
own;  and  thirdly,  Mr.  C.  was  afraid,  as  he  had  never  practiced 
with  Dan,  that  he  could  not  "keep  up,"  and  so  on.  When  we 
and  the  fiddles  and  triangles  entered  a  little  late  and  through  a 
back  window,  behold !  a  dozen  of  the  "rabble"  were  crowded  into 
our  sacred  enclosure ! — (Notice  here,  in  public  places  all  that  can- 
not get  into  seats  are  rabble.)  However,  after  I  had  squeezed 
into  my  Windsor  chair,  along  side  the  leading  fiddle,  Dan  whis- 
pered for  my  consolation,  and  with  a  smile  and  a  wink — "Never-a 
mind,  Mister  Carltin,  we'll  fix  it  afore  long." 

As  if  by  magic,  at  a  private  signal,  forth  blazed  the  candles 
in  front  of  the  stage;  and  some  two  dozen  others  stuck  to  the 
walls  by  double  pronged  forks :  and  then  to  us  was  displayed  the 
whole  audience,  and  to  tfyem  the  stage  and  its  fixins.  In  some 
points  this  audience  was  similar  to  others ;  but  it  contained  more 
gems  in  unpolished  and  dull  caskets  than  some  eastern  congrega- 
tions. Hoosiers,  Woolverines,  Buckeyes,  and  the  like,  were  pres- 
ent, and  of  the  most  unbrushed,  unpomatumed,  unadulterated 
sorts — purer  than  are  there  now :  for,  like  the  red  aborigines,  the 
white  and  brown  sorts  are  fast  disappearing !  Poor  fellows !  that 
very  night  they  witnessed  the  entrance  of  what  would  become 
their  ruin! 

Unused  to  the  glory  of  polished  candlesticks,  and  cut  and  friz- 
zled papers,  all  eyes  momentarily  gazed  upon  the  stage  in  silent 
wonder!  In  the  next  instant,  and  with  one  consent,  burst  such 
a  hurrah,  as  cracked  the  ears  of  the  groundlings — yea!  shook 
the  glass  in  the  windows!  It  did  seem  the  very  walls  would  be 
split!  Nor  was  it  a  mere  hurrah;  for  many  an  Indian  fighter 
was  present  that  night;  and  these  sent  out  such  yells  and  war 
cries  as  made  one  instinctively  clap  his  hand  to  his  head  to  ascer- 
tain if  the  scalp  was  safe ! 

Following  the  uproar  came  the  modest  buzz  of  individual  won- 


420  FIFTH  YEAR 

derments  and  critiques,  such  as : — "Look  at  that  yallur  one,  Joe !" 
— "Most  powerful  shiney  them  are !" — "Ain't  them  are  red  things 
rity-dity  poseys? — "Law!  no  Dick,  them's  paper  fixins!" — "Well, 
I  never?" — "I  say,  Jake  ain't  them  danglings  up  there  like  Carl- 
tin's  ole  woman's  curtins !" — "Pick  my  flint !" — "Darn  my  leggins 
— its  powerful  big-buggy!" — "How'd  them  lite  so  quick?" — "Dipt 
in  tarpentine — don't  you  smell  it?"  But  in  the  midst  appeared 
descending,  the  rival  societies,  each  by  separate  stairs :  each  headed 
by  a  Professor;  and  entering  simultaneously  each  at  opposite 
parts  of  the  stage !  And  when  all  were  seated,  the  Faculty  in  the 
centre,  and  the  students  right  and  left,  the  smallest  next  and  the 
largest  at  the  extremities ;  all  in  new  suits  of  store  cloth,  and  with 
appropriate  badges  gracefully  inserted  through  button  holes,  and 
waving  triumphantly  from  their  arms  also ;  all  in  starched  collars 
and  black  neck  ribbons ;  and  all  in  female  slippers,  and  so  altered 
as  to  pass  for  males — the  yells  of  greeting  were  absolutely  terrific ! 

Professor  Harwood  was  now  seen  shaking  the  cow  bell:  but 
though  its  mellow  tinkle  was  inaudible,  the  fiddles  and  triangles, 
seeing  the  pendulum  motion,  knew  what  was  needed:  and  hence 
they  essayed  to  strike  up  Hail  Columbia !  Still  nothing  of  a  tune 
could  be  heard;  although  from  the  bewildering  activity  of  bows 
and  elbows,  it  was  manifest  something  nice  was  doing;  till  by  dint 
of  sight  in  some,  and  bawlings  out  of  "Silence!"  by  others,  the 
audience  in  the  pit  became  quiescent.  In  the  interim,  we  of  the 
orchestra  began  to  have  more  room :  for  most  of  the  rabble  near 
the  fiddlers,  especially  near  Dan,  the  Primo,  had  got  hints  to  make 
room,  in  the  form  of  hits,  some  in  the  stomach,  some  in  the  face 
and  eyes,  and  some  under  the  lugs — all  of  course  naturally  re- 
quired by  the  laws  of  motion  and  melody !  Indeed,  it  was  plain 
enough  that  there  was  more  danger  in  standing  so  near  good 
fiddlers  than  folks  had  ever  imagined!  And,  therefore,  our  un- 
invited soon  compressed  into  one  corner;  and  from  a  sincere  wish 
not  to  incommode  the  music !  And  thus,  by  the  kindness  of  Dan, 
whose  wink  and  smile  were  now  understood  and  his  mode  of 
"fixin  it,"  I  enjoyed  my  windsor  chair  in  ampler  space ;  at  least 
while  tunes  were  executed. 

For  this  kindness,  and  because  our  executioners  were  so  essen- 
tial to  the  exhibition,  we  shall  hand  them  down  in  history — they 
shall  be  immortalized! 


FIFTH  YEAR  421 

Dan  Scrape,  the  fiddle  prime,  was  by  far  the  prince  of  the 
New  Purchase  catgut  and  horsehair  men.  Like  Paganini,  he 
could  play  on  one  string,  if  not  an  entire  tune,  yet  parts  of 
nearly  two  dozen  tunes — his  whole  stock !  And  like  that  maestro, 
he  played  without  notes,  and  with  endless  variations  and  em- 
bellishments !  Ay !  and  he  played  no  worse  on  one  shift  or  posi- 
tion than  another!  Still,  Dan  differed  from  the  Italian  in  some 
things ;  for  instance,  he  held  his  fiddle  against  his  breast,  (perhaps 
out  of  affection,}  and  his  bow  in  the  middle,  and  like  a  cart-whip; 
things  enabling  him,  however,  the  more  effectually  to  flog  his 
instrument  when  rebellious;  and  the  afflicted  creature  would 
scream  right  out  in  agony !  Indeed  his  Scremonah  bore  marks  of 
premature  old  age — its  finger-board  being  indented  with  little 
pits,  and  its  stomach  (vulgarly,  in  the  East,  the  belly),  was 
frightfully  incrusted  with  rosin  and  other  gummy  things,  till  it 
looked  as  dark  and  care-worn  as  Methusaleh !  Dan  was,  truly,  no 
niggard  of  "rosum,"  for  he  "greased,"  as  he  termed  it,  between 
his  tunes  every  time!  and  then  at  his  first  few  vigorous  jerks,  fell 
a  shower  of  dust  on  the  agitated  bosom  of  his  instrument,  calling 
out  in  vain  for  mercy  under  the  cruel  punishment ! 

Dan's  main  difference  from  Paganini  was  in  using  his  left  hand 
to  bow.  And  yet  this  better  enabled  him  to  make  room ;  for  per- 
sons going  to  the  left  for  safety,  met  the  accidental  hits  where  least 
expected, — like  Ehud,  who  not  noticing  the  left  hand  of  Sham- 
gar,  got  what  English  bullies  call  his  gruel,  from  the  wrong 
quarter  !51 

Let  us  not,  however,  do  Dan  injustice.  He  certainly  did,  out 
of  benevolence,  administer  some  wilful  and  hard  blows,  and  yet 
keep  an  unconscious  phiz;  but  when  Dan  was  fairly  possessed 
with  the  spirit  of  fiddling,  he  never  even  dreamed  he  had  an 
elbow !  Then  his  arm  was  all  elbow !  The  way  it  jumped  up  and 
down !  and  darted  back  and  forth ! — the  velocity  was  too  dizzy  to 
look  at!  But  then,  if  a  spectator  valued  his  eyes,  let  him  stand 
clear  of  the  bow's  end! — not  the  point,  that  was  always  safe 
enough  on  the  strings — but  the  heel  or  slide  end,  which  never  visit- 
ing the  fiddle,  was  ever  flourishing  about  almost  invisible,  with 
reckless  indifference  and  the  force  of  a  bullet!  In  truth,  Dan 
always  fiddled  like  a  race-horse;  and  if  he  got  one  bar's  start,  I 


422  FIFTH  YEAR 

defy  any  body  to  have  ever  overtaken  him!  But  some  favourite 
tunes  he  played  like  a  tornado ;  such  as  "the  Irish  Washerwoman," 
— and  above  all,  that  satanic  rondo,  "the  D.  among  the  T's.  And 
I  know  this  is  not  exaggeration ;  for  once  on  my  asking  Hunting 
Shirt  Andy,  who  was  a  good  judge,  what  he  thought  of  Dan's 
playing,  he  unhesitating  declared  that  "Dan  Scrape  played  the 
fiddle  like  the  very  devil !" 

The  second  fiddle  was  a  pupil  of  Dan's.  And  the  master  had 
evidently  taken  great  pains  with  his — finger-board,  it  being 
crossed  with  white  paint  to  guide  the  pupil's  fingers,  who  still 
usually  hit  wide  of  the  mark  in  his  haste  to  overtake  his  teacher ! 
He  is  called  second  fiddle,  not  because  he  did  alto  or  tenor,  but 
because  he  was  usually  behind  the  first  fiddle  in  time;  nay, 
he  was  sometimes  so  utterly  lost,  that  Dan  would  tell  him  to  stop, 
and  "start  in  when  the  tune  kim  round  agin !" 

Some  may  think  these  defects  made  discords ;  but  then  this  was 
compensated  by  the  two  fiddles  never  being  tuned  alike,  accuracy 
of  stop  being  thus  rendered  less  important;  and  above  all,  be- 
cause the  exquisite  triangle  completely  obliterated,  filled  up,  and 
jingled  into  one  all  mistakes,  vacancies,  and  discords! 

I  shall  only  further  remark,  that  the  professor  of  the  triangle 
was  actually  self-taught!  and  yet  he  could  out  jingle  any  thing  of 
the  sort  I  ever  heard,  even  if  aided  by  the  cymbals  and  musical 
bells! 

"But  what  of  the  third  fiddle?" 

Let  Dan  answer,  who,  after  the  execution  of  Hail  Columbia, 
thus  whispered  me: — "Tim  Scratch  know'd  better  nor  to  come! 
he's  not  sick  no  how — it's  all  possum !  He's  no  fiddler !  I  kin  out 
fiddle  him  if  he  lives  for  ever  and  a  day  longer — and  plays  on 
Sundays !" 

And  so  it  was :  and  neither  Mr.  Carlton  nor  any  other  man  who 
values  reputation  ought  to  play  with  Dan  Scrape. 

The  Reverend  Principal  Clarence  now  arose,  and  in  pumps  and 
silk  stockings  advanced  and  made  something  like  the  following 
address : — 

"Ladies  and  gentlemen" — (a  kind  of  don't-gentleman-me-look 
of  certain  hearers,  made  him  add) — "and  my  respected  fellow- 
citizens,  we  rejoice  to  meet  so  large  an  assembly  and  so  full 


FIFTH  YEAR  423 

of  good  spirits,  come  to  attend  our  first  exhibition.  It  is  natural 
you  should  be  here:  it  is  your  own  school,  and  these  are  your 
own  sons  and  relatives,  who  are  now  to  show  before  you  their 
improvement  to-night.  We  are  here,  fellow-citizens,  to  witness 
what  Western  boys  can  do ;  and  let  me  say,  that  while  far  from 
perfection,  our  boys,  if  not  embarrassed,  will  not  disgrace  our 
wooden  country.  We  say  embarrassed;  for  any  confusion  or 
noise  accidentally  made  by  our  respected  fellow  citizens  present, 
in  time  of  a  speech  or  other  exercise,  will  hinder  our  unpractised 
speakers  from  doing  themselves  justice.  We  depend,  of  course, 
on  the  honour  of  our  hearers,  not  giving  any  order  on  the  sub- 
ject, or  making  even  a  request,  as  is  often  necessary  in  the  East; 
because  here,  in  the  free  West,  where  all  do  as  they  please,  Back- 
woodsmen naturally  behave  according  to  the  maxims  of  good 
sense." — ("Bust  my  rifle!  if  that  ain't  the  truth,"  interrupted 
Ned, — "we'll  show  'em  how  to  behave,  Mr.  Fakilty!") — "Just  as 
I  said,  stranger," — resumed  Clarence — "and,  therefore,  we  shall 
say  no  more,  but  will  instantly  proceed  with  the  exercises." 

This  was  ferociously  clapped  and  stamped;  and  then  the  exer- 
cises proceeded,  the  cow-bell  being  duly  rung,  first  for  the  music 
to  begin  and  then  for  it  to  cease.  In  the  latter  case  the  bell  owed 
its  efficiency  to  Mr.  Carlton,  as  Dan  was  always  more  ready  to 
begin  than  to  finish  a  tune.  And  hence,  and  as  the  orchestra  was 
louder  than  the  bell,  we  went  by  sight ;  but  Dan  never  could  see 
the  wag  of  the  bell,  till  Mr.  C.  gave  him  a  hunch  on  the  off-side ; 
and  then  his  Scremonah  hushed  up,  like  a  cholicy  child  that  had 
screeched  itself  to  sleep !  Had  Mr.  Carlton  been  on  the  bow-side, 
he  must  have  poked  Dan  with  a  stick,  or  met  something  tragical ; 
but  like  the  fox  in  JEsop,  he  had  learned  from  the  hits  of  others. 

It  is  unnecessary  to  detail  the  events  of  that  memorable  night. 
All  the  students  were  applauded;  and  not  a  few  with  the  ad- 
mixture of  Indian  yells,  so  like  the  savage-savage,  that  the  animals 
could,  like  the  ass-lion,  be  detected  only  by  the  skin!  Certain 
speeches,  too,  political  in  their  nature,  and  admirably  delivered, 
caused  the  audience  to  lose  sight  of  the  exhibition,  and  hurrah 
<for  Jackson  or  Clay  as  on  the  election  ground.  And  these  speak- 
ers, with  one  exception,  became  politicians,  and  are  even  yet, 
most  of  them,  figuring  before  the  world.  The  people  generally 


424  FIFTH  YEAR 

behaved  as  Ned  Stanley  (our  friend  Rifle-Bust),  promised,  and  as 
Western  folks  always  do  behave,  if  one  shows  a  disposition  to 
conciliate  and  will  employ  a  little  innocent  flattery ;  not  that  they 
are  deceived  by  such,  but  that  they  take  it  as  a  sign  of  your  de- 
siring to  please  and  put  them  on  honour. 

Let,  however,  a  self-complacent  gentleman,  full  of  city  impor- 
tance and  strut  essay,  in  a  dictatorial  way,  to  manage  a  free  and 
wild  assembly  in  the  world  of  woods  and  prairies — and  if  he  is  not 
shut  up  in  a  manner  that  shall  clean  wipe  the  conceit  out  of  him, 
then  is  my  opinion  a  mistake.  He  may  order  a  hackman,  or  a 
porter,  or  a  quill-driver,  or  a  sawyer — but  if  he  dare  order  free- 
men of  the  forests  and  the  meadows,  they  will  ride  him  on  a  rail ; 
and,  in  spite  of  his  stocks,  brick  houses,  fine  equipage,  whiskers 
and  curled  hair ! 

The  speeches,  excepting  a  few  humourous  ones,  were  all  origi- 
nal; and  equal  to  the  best  in  our  schools  and  colleges  concocted 
from  the  living  and  the  dead.  Generally  the  young  men  of  a  New 
Purchase  are  superior  to  the  young  gentlemen  of  old  settle- 
ments, in  both  scholarship  and  elocution;  and  for  the  follow- 
ing reasons : 

1.  The  young  men  come  to  learning  as  a  novelty.    It  is  opposite 
to  the  monotony  of  woods,  cabins,  pork,  corn,  and  axes.     Hence 
nothing  exceeds  their  interest  and  curiosity ;  and  it  is  long,  under 
a  judicious  teacher,  before  the  novelty  ceases;  and  afterwards 
the  habit  of  hard  studying  supplies  the  place. 

2.  The  young  men  regard  learning  as  the  lever  to  elevate  them 
— or  by  which  the  New  World  may  cope  more  fairly  with  the 
Old.    Hence,  day  and  night,  they  work  in  et  armis  at  the  machine ; 
until  they  even  get  higher  than  the  young  gentlemen  who  work 
lazily  and  feebly. 

3.  The  young  men  have  more  energy  than  the  young  gentle- 
men; and  this  directed  by  enthusiastic  masters  in  learning  pro- 
duces great  results. 

4.  New  Purchases  have  few  temptations  to  idleness  and  dissi- 
pation.    Indeed,  as  war  among  the  Spartans,  so  Colleges  there 
are  to  the  young  men   recreations,  and  more   delightful   than 
anything  else. 

5.  Ten  dollars  a  year — the  tuition  fee — was  too  hard  for  our 


FIFTH  YEAR  425 

young  men  to  obtain,  lightly  to  be  squandered.  And  ten  dol- 
lars with  us  would  buy  ten  acres  nearly;  hence  they  who  value 
land  as  a  great  earthly  good,  spend  not  a  small  farm  once  a  year 
for  the  privilege  of  being  idle.  Young  gentlemen  often  waste  two 
such  a  year  on  sugar  candy! 

6.  Young  men  are  inquisitive  like  Yankees;  and  hence,  they 
ask  endless  questions  not  contained  in  Parley-books.     And  by 
this  method  of  torturing  professors,  more  is  often  extracted  than 
by  torturing  nature. 

7.  Young  men  out  there  are  in  more  immediate  contact  with 
professors ;  hence,  if  the  professors  be  themselves  men,  the  ad- 
vantages of  the  old  Roman  way  of  education  may  be  combined 
with  the  modern  ways. 

We  have  seven  more  reasons,  which,  however,  we  shall  not 
inflict  in  the  First  edition;  but  to  fortify  the  seven  and  to  con- 
clude the  exhibition,  we  shall  present  minute  accounts  of  two 
young  men,  who  were  among  our  stars.  And  as  these  stars  still 
shine,  the  one  fixed,  the  other  wandering,  in  the  political  firma- 
ment, we  may  only  designate  them  as  the  George  and  the  Henry. 

George  possessed  not  uncommon  talents;  unless  perseverance 
be  a  talent,  and  that  he  did  possess  in  so  great  a  degree  as  to 
make  it  a  substitute  for  genius.  He  is  our  fixed  star.  Many  knew 
of  his  untiring  patience  and  plodding  diligence,  and  were  im- 
pressed with  a  belief  he  would,  after  all,  make  something;  but 
none  expected  him  to  shine  forth  tonight  a  star  of  the  first 
magnitude.  Not  only  was  he  great  compared  with  himself,  but 
with  all  others;  and  his  composition  on  the  life,  character,  and 
writings  of  Cicero  was  admirably  written  and  most  happily 
spoken.  I  was  myself  amazed,  fired,  captivated,  and  even  in- 
structed; and,  after  the  exercises  ended,  I  sought  him,  for  he  was 
one  of  my  favourites,  and  said: 

"Why  George !  you  did  nobly !  surely  that  composition  cost  you 
no  small  labour?" 

"Thank  you,  Mr.  Carlton.  As  to  the  piece — (I  have  no  desire 
to  pass  for  a  genius) — it  did  cost  me  thought  and  labour — I 
carefully  studied  and  re-wrote  it  thirty-six:  times." 

Well !  that  was  one  young  Man.  The  other,  Henry,  although 
never  among  my  favourites,  will  even  more  forcibly  sustain  our 


426  FIFTH  YEAR 

reasons.  In  a  pecuniary  sense,  he  was  a  poor  boy  even  for  the 
Purchase ;  and  lived,  in  homely  phrase,  from  hand  to  mouth.  In- 
deed the  loss  of  a  day's  job,  made  his  mouth  that  day  debtor  for 
its  food;  and  hand,  on  the  next  occasion,  did  double  duty.  He 
was,  however,  rich  in  expedient,  and  hesitated  at  no  job,  odd  or 
even ;  although,  it  is  to  be  regretted,  he  did  not  sometimes  refuse 
employments  not  strictly  honourable.  And  yet  even  that  may  be 
palliated.  But  no  apology  can  ever  atone  for  his  occasional  in- 
gratitude and  even  positive  injury  to  benefactors,  when  a  few 
dollars  were  the  price  gained  by  his  desertion  of  duty  and 
honour. 

No  sooner,  however,  had  the  Seminary  been  organized,  than 
Henry  determined  to  obtain  a  good  education.  He  had  credit 
enough  to  procure  some  decent  clothes  and  necessary  books ;  but 
as  five  dollars,  cash,  and  in  advance,  were  to  be  paid  to  our 
Treasurer,  Henry  was  forced  to  look  for  a  few  lucrative  jobs; 
and  hence,  he  one  morning  presented  himself  at  my  store  and 
commenced : 

"Well,  Mr.  Carlton,  I've  got  books  and  clothes;  but  I've  no 
silver  to  pay  the  session-bill — kin  you  give  a  feller  no  job  what 
will  bring  silver?" 

"Really,  Henry,  I  don't  know  that  I  can ; — but  stay !  we've  lost 
our  cow — will  you  take  half  a  dollar  a  day  in  cash  to  look  her  up  ?" 

"Ay !  will  I ; — when  did  she  put  out  ? — what  kind  of  a  crittur 
is  she? — which  way,  think  she  went?  &c.,  &c." 

Satisfied  as  far  as  possible  in  his  inquiries,  away  went  the  lad 
to  the  woods.  At  the  end  of  two  days  he  came  back,  cowless, 
indeed,  but  after  a  painful  search  through  thickets,  along  creeks, 
and  over  hills ;  and  during  which,  he  had  camped  out  alone  in  the 
night.  Our  hero  had  thus  one  dollar  of  the  tuition  fee. 

About  this  time  we  had  ceased  from  digging  a  well,  after  find- 
ing no  water  at  twenty-five  feet;  although  we  had  employed  a 
great  hazel-wizzard ;  and  his  rod  had  repeatedly  turned  down 
over  the  spot,  and  that  so  hard  as  to  twist  off  a  little  of  the  bark. 
Even  the  diviner  was  quite  at  a  loss  to  account  for  the  failure ;  in- 
sisting yet  the  water  must  be  lower,  as  "his  rod  never  twisted  so 
powerful  arnest  if  they  want  water  somewhere!" 

Now  Henry  was  of  the  same  opinion ;  annd,  therefore,  bringing 


FIFTH  YEAR  427 

Mr.  Hum,  the  wizard  (or  witch,  there  so  called)  to  me,  the  two 
prevailed  on  me  to  go  only  four  feet  lower — Henry  undertaking 
the  job  at  fifty  cents  per  foot!  I  had  supposed  the  boy  would 
have  a  comrade  to  work  his  windlass ;  but  no,  down  went  Henry 
alone  with  the  necessary  implements;  and  after  digging,  and 
breaking,  and  prying,  and  shovelling,  up  the  ladder  he  came,  let 
down  his  empty  bucket,  descended,  filled  the  bucket,  reascended, 
wound  up  his  load,  and  so  on  till  he  had  cleared  out  "his  diggins !" 
And  away  he  went  again  to  work  with  hammer  and  sledge,  bar, 
spade,  shovel,  and  bucket;  till,  within  a  week,  our  well  was  four 
feet  deeper  and  Henry  two  dollars  richer!  But  although  water 
was  "somewhere,"  it  had  not  risen  in  our  part  of  the  world; — 
the  bottom  of  the  pit  was  still  as  dry  and  comfortable  as  an 
oven! 

Our  hero  in  similar  ways  procured  the  other  two  cash  dollars ; 
and  by  the  aid  of  some  student's  mastering  in  private  several 
elementary  studies,  he  was,  at  the  opening  of  the  next  session, 
matriculated  as  something  more  than  a  Freshman.  And  now,  while 
attending  his  regular  studies,  he  still  by  jobbing  maintained  his 
mouth  and  laid  by  a  few  dollars  for  books  and  future  tuition  fees. 
He  contrived  even  to  be  appointed  sub-deputy  librarian  of  the 
Woodville  Library,  adding  thus  to  his  information  and  funds; 
and,  as  if  all  this  were  not  enough,  he  one  day  waited  on  Mr. 
Clarence  to  ask  if  the  school-laws  would  permit  him  to  study 
law  and  remain  a  student! 

"Study  law ! — Henry  ?" — said  Clarence. 

"Yes,  sir;  lawyer  Cravings  will  find  me  books;  and  thinks  in  a 
year  or  two  I  can  plead  before  magistrates.  If  it  is  not  against 
the  laws " 

"Why,  certainly  we  have  no  law  against  that ;  such  a  case  was 
never  imagined  as  probable  or  possible.  Do,  however,  not  neglect 
your  regular  college  studies,  and  then,  it  is  nobody's  business  what 
else  you  may  study  or  learn." 

Our  young  man,  sure  enough,  went  to  work  at  the  law,  Hoosier- 
f ashion  indeed,  and  still  attended  well  to  his  regular  studies ;  and 
in  two  weeks  before  the  exhibition,  he  did  actually  defend  and 
win  a  cause  before  Squire  Snab,  and  against  and  from  the  re- 
doubtable lawyer  Cravings  himself — and,  with  the  contingent  fee, 
he  paid  our  treasurer  the  tuition  price  of  the  next  term ! 


428  FIFTH  YEAR 

Very  good,  young  gentlemen!  laugh  at  all  this  if  you  please. 
But  had  you  heard  Henry,  ranking  now  about  Sophomore,  de- 
liver at  the  exhibition,  his  Speech  on  Man,  you  would  have 
offered,  as  is  usual  in  here,  a  price  for  it,  in  view  of  your  Senior 
Speech !  Come !  I  will  bet  you  two  dozen  raccoon  skins  against  a 
pair  of  kid  gloves,  or  even  a  pot  of  cold  cream,  that  if  you  wrote 
your  own  speech,  when  you  were  graduated,  it  was  not  as  good 
as  his! 


CHAPTER   LIII. 

"Such  a  noise  arose, 

As  the  shrouds  make  at  sea  in  a  stiff  tempest ; 
As  loud,  and  to  as  many  tunes ;  hats,  cloaks, 
(Doublets,  I  think,)   flew  up ; — and  had  their  faces 
Been  loose,  this  day  they  had  been  lost.    Such  joy 
I    never    saw    before." 

SOME  may  wish  to  know  how  our  Faculty  spent  vacations  in 
the  woods.  As  to  Clarence,  in  term  time,  he  preached  twice  on 
Sabbath,  and  sometimes  of tener ;  beside,  lectures  in  the  week,  and 
the  like, — but,  in  vacations,  he  commonly  did  more.  This  very 
vacation,  he  once  walked  five  miles  in  the  rain;  preached  an 
hour  and  a  half  in  the  open  air;  and  then  walked  back  the  same 
distance  to  Glenville's  new  cabin,  on  the  river.  Our  preacher 
was,  what  is  called  a  laborious  minister :  and  yet  his  ecclesiastical 
stipend,  and  that  in  trade,  averaged  only  fifty  dollars  per  annum ! 
yea !  he  has  even  been  without  a  morsel  of  food  in  his  house,  or  a 
stick  of  wood  for  a  fire — and,  in  a  cold  winter  day,  lay  thus  sick 
and  deserted ! 

Clarence,  however,  would  laugh  a  little:  but,  then,  for  this, 
Carlton  was  usually  to  blame.  Hence,  we  do  hope  "the  brethren," 
when  reading  this  work,  will  be  careful  to  condemn  the  right 
person — and  that,  not  too  severely;  as  the  author,  a  somewhat 
ubiquitous  man,  has  had  the  pleasure  of  hearing  Bishops,  Priests, 
and  Deacons,  as  well  as  the  inferior  ministers,  preachers,  and  ex- 
horters,  do  secular  laughing,  beside  "making  merry"  with  friends, 
according  to  the  Scriptures. 


FIFTH  YEAR  429 

Thus  our  Faculty,  in  vacations,  did  often,  what  classical  people 
do  elsewhere — nothing!  Sometimes,  they  did  next  to  nothing — 
smoking!  and  very  often  they  did — cutting-up!  And  this  last 
consists  in  cracking  nuts  and  jokes — racing  one  another,  and  slam- 
ming doors — in  upsetting  chairs,  and  even  kicking  up  carpets! 
Great  wisdom,  however,  and  art  and  tact,  and  gentlemanly  feel- 
ing, are  requisite  for  the  cut-up;  and  specially  in  knowing  where 
and  when  to  cease:  and,  of  all  men,  to  do  the  thing  right,  Har- 
wood,  Clarence,  Glenville,  and  Carlton  were  just  "the  dandy!" 
If  the  affair  is  not  done  up  to  the  point — it  is  teasing;  if  beyond 
— it  is  horse-play;  but  if  in  media  tutissimi — it  is  the  most  tick- 
ling and  exhilatory! — better  to  provoke  laughter  than  all  the  jest- 
books  in  existence.  The  cut-ups  were  usually  in  wet  weather. 

In  dry  times,  our  literati  strolled  into  the  forests ;  where  miner- 
alogy, botany,  and  natural  history,  suggested  by  dark  masses  of 
rough  rocks,  or  curious  stones  and  shells,  never  before  handled 
by  moderns ;  or  by  enormous  wild  flowers,  with  cups  large  enough 
to  hold  two  thimbles-full  of  dew ;  or  by  a  startled  snake,  ringing 
his  warning  under  prostrate  trunks  on  or  near  which  the  learned 
stood ;  or,  by  crackling  brush  and  whirling  leaves,  where  shone  a 
streak  of  bounding  wolf  or  glancing  deer — became  recreations  de- 
taining our  friends  till  dinner  was  deferred  until  tea,  and  tea 
until  supper,  when  all  were  devoured  as  one!  Perhaps  the  mind 
never  so  marched  towards  the  west,  as  once  when  Clarence  and 
Harwood,  and  several  visiting  literati,  were  seen  by  the  Author, 
all  in  a  line,  knee-deep  and  wading  towards  the  occidental  sun, 
through  the  fresh- fallen  leaves ;  and  thus  discussing, — at  one 
time,  the  Greek  Tragedians, — at  another,  the  Calculus  and  the 
Analytical  Geometry!  It  was  the  only  time  the  Author  ever 
witnessed  the  Grand  Abstraction  embodied  and  embattled !  And 
he  feels  elated  as  the  White  Man  who  talked — (in  Judge  Hall's 
Works) — to  the  very  Indian  whose  great-paternal  grandfather  had 
actually  heard  of  the  man  whose  father  had  seen  the  skeleton  of  a 
Gopher ! 

Often,  too,  would  I  seduce  the  Faculty  into  a  hunt,  by  quoting 
the  Greek  of  Xenophon,  where  Cyrus  the  Elder  inflames  his 
comrades,  by  descriptions  of  wild  boars  that  rushed  on  the  hunt- 
er's spear  like  warriors  in  battle,  and  of  deer  that  leaped — oh ! 


430  FIFTH  YEAR 

how  high !  But  this  vacation,  I  proposed  a  party,  to  visit  and  ex- 
plore a  cave  just  discovered  by  a  hunter  in  pursuit  of  a  fox, 
that  darted  down  a  sink-hole  and  disappeared,  in  an  opening  among 
some  rocks. 

In  any  village  is  it  difficult,  but  especially  in  a  New  Purchase 
one,  to  keep  such  intention  secret.  Soon,  then,  was  it  bruited 
through  Woodville,  that  Carlton  was  making  up  a  party  for  the 
cave ;  when  further  invitation  was  useless,  our  main  art  now  being 
to  keep  out  some,  whose  "room  was  better  than  their  company." 
And  this  must  be  done  without  seeming  to  interfere  with  people's 
liberty  of  going  where  they  liked.  The  prevention  was  partly 
accomplished  by  fixing  on  no  definite  day;  and  deferring,  till 
some  became  weary  of  waiting  and  left  town,  or  so  engaged  that 
going  would  then  be  impossible.  Some,  also,  were  specially 
asked;  but  not  before  it  had  been  ascertained  that  small  chance 
existed  of  their  obtaining  horses.  This  was  the  case  with  the 
Doolittles;  who,  as  we  rode  by  the  morning  of  the  expedition, 
answered  somebody's *•  expressions  of  regret  that  we  should  be 
deprived  of  the  pleasure  of  their  company,  with — "Well!  thank 
you  all  the  same  for  the  invite — next  time  we'll  look  up  nags  and 
critters  a  smart  chance  quicker !" 

Unexpectedly,  one  fine  morning,  the  rising  sun  shedding  hori- 
zontals of  light  and  shade  over  our  village,  were  revealed  one 
dozen  horses  at  Carlton's  rack,  and  about  an  equal  number  in 
other  places,  accoutred  and  accoutring — (passively)  ; — and,  there- 
fore, shortly  after  "sun  up"  where  we  could  see  him,  a  report 
was  spread  that  Carlton's  party  was  going  to  the  cave  to-day.  But 
rumour  was  not  long  requisite  to  advertise;  since  every  man, 
woman,  boy,  girl,  and  child  of  the  party  became,  about  8  o'clock, 
A.  M.,  notifier,  while  our  cavalcade  dashed  through  the  village, 
talking,  cantering,  whipping,  joking,  spurring,  laughing!  while 
some  screamed,  "come  on,  thare,  behind!"  and  some,  "not  so 
blame  fast,  thar,'  in  front !"  and  others  in  piteous  accents,  "La !  if 
I  ain't  dropt  my  ridicul' !" 2— "Awh !  stop'  won't  you?"— "This 
darn'd  ole  guth's  a-bustin' !"  Oh !  it  was  a  glorious  hubbub ! 

1  This  was  young  Capus  Smileal ;  who  was  aware,  I  fear,  how  the  matter 
was.     He  would  do  well  in  here  among  his  relations  the  Smootheys  and 
Glibs. 

2  Reticule. 


FIFTH  YEAR  431 

Alas!  how  dignity  forgot  decorum  that  delicious  morning! 
Even  our  literati,  the  teachers  of  proprieties  and  all  that,  even 
they  lost  sight  of  Lord  Chesterfield !  Why,  reader !  they  laughed 
outright  like  the  vulgar!  They  rode  with  one  foot  only  in  a 
stirrup,  and  let  the  other  dangle!  They  jumped  down  to  pick  up 
Polly  Logrul's  "bag  as  had  her  handkichif  in !"  And  more — they 
pelted  the  girls  at  a  distance  with  acorns,  beech-nuts,  and  horse- 
chestnuts  !  switched  Hoosier-dandies'  horses,  to  make  them  kick- 
up  !  rear !  run !  and  what  not !  And  if  the  grave  folks  behaved  so 
— what  did  the  others  ? 

Ah !  dear  Precise !  does  happiness  consist  in  skin-tight  garments  ? 
in  a  hat  or  bonnet  stuck  to  the  pate  in  a  style?  in  tying  one's 
limbs  to  the  dull  earth  by  straps  under  boots?  in  moving  with  a 
graceful  and  pointed  toe,  and  fingers  curved  and  adjusted,  and 
neck  arched  in  magazine  fashion?  and  in  riding  horses  with 
trained  gait — in  smirking,  and  simpering,  and  lisping,  by  rule?  If 
so :  go  not  to  a  New  Purchase !  Above  all,  go  not  w:th  the  natives 
to  explore  a  cave!  Depend  on  it — you  will  break  your  straps! 
your  corset-string,  male  or  female!  and  derange  your  curls! 
Solemnly — it  will  spoil  your  looks! — those,  at  least,  your  milliner, 
and  tailor,  and  perfumer  gave  you!  But  if  no  regard  for  your 
makers'  reputations  deter  you — I  tell  you  it  will  break  your — 
necks ! 

One  may  ride  a  trained  horse,  handsomely  caparisoned,  on 
macadamised  ways,  and  sit  perpendicular  and  graceful,  while  the 
beast  does  his  theatrical  starts  and  plunges  at  certain  secret  pulls, 
touches,  and  words :  but  put  the  same  rider  on  the  mischievous,  un- 
broken, wild  "crittur"  of  the  woods,  moving  in  a  compound  of  all 
gaits,  and  starting,  plunging,  kicking,  and  biting  extemporane- 
ously ;  and  on  a  saddle  that  does  not  fit,  and  with  a  girth  that  will 
break;  and  this  in  a  gully  road,  a  snaggy  ravine,  an  impeded 
trace,  or  a  tangled  and  pathless  woods ; — and  then  if  the  rider  for- 
get not  dignity,  and  grace,  and  rules,  adieu  to  his  seat !  and  maybe 
adieu  to  whatever  brains  nature,  or,  more  likely,  Phrenology  may 
have  given  him!  Situations  occur  in  both  the  moral  and  the 
natural  worlds,  where  a  man  becomes  a  law  unto  himself — and 
such  are  often  in  the  west.  But  this  is  digression. 

Our  party  was  to  consist  of  one  dozen  adults; — (children  are 


432  FIFTH  YEAR 

never  counted  out  there,  but  go,  not  as  shadows — they  are  mere 
accretions) — yet  spite  of  the  effort  to  be  exclusive,  our  select 
company  swelled  to  nearly  thirty !  And  this  before  we  set  out !  and 
then  so  great  was  the  excitement  produced,  that  some  who  had 
abandoned  the  intention  of  going,  suddenly  resumed  it;  so,  that 
just  after  our  entering  the  woods,  a  clatter  of  hoofs  and  uproar 
of  voices  and  leaves  were  close  in  the  rear !  and  there  was  a  hand- 
some addition  to  the  cave  party  of  some  dozen  more!  Among 
others,  was  a  hunting  crony  of  mine,  Domore:  and  behind  on 
his  horse  he  carried  two  of  the  Doolittles!  Other  horses  had 
duplex  riders  too ;  and  when  such  all  got  into  Indian  file,  nothing 
could  be  seen  except  legs  on  the  ground  kicking  dry  leaves,  and 
legs  in  the  air  kicking  horse  sides — that  being  answered  instantly 
by  a  very  venomous  switching  of  horse  tails,  and  an  occasional  and 
extra  performance  of  horse  heels. 

Perhaps  the  increased  company  was  also  owing  to  this :  several 
affianced  lovers  were  of  the  party;  and  rumour,  with  more  of  ro- 
mance than  reality,  had  said,  that  more  than  two  couples  were  to 
be  married  in  the  cave  under  ground !  Oh !  what  a  temptation — 
a  Hoosier  wedding  in  a  new-found  cave!  But  the  sternness  of 
truth  forbids ;  yet  the  Talemaquers  must  not  steal  this  idea :  when 
I  write  fiction  I  shall  make  a  story  out  of  it  myself. 

Seven  miles  from  Woodville  we  reached  the  cabin  of  the 
hunter,  who  had  discovered  the  cave.  Here  we  got  ample  direc- 
tions; not,  indeed,  from  the  male  hunter — he  was  absent — but 
from  Mrs.  Hunter.  These  are  here  condensed  for  the  guidance 
of  the  reader,  in  case  he  may  want  to  visit  the  cave  for  curiosity 
or  consumption. 

DIRECTIONS  OF   MRS.    HUNTER. 

"Well,  stranjurs,  I  warn't  never  at  that  are  cave;  but  I  often 
heern  him  tell  on  it;  and  I  allows  I  kin  a  sort  a  pint  out  the 
course  ne'er  on  about  as  well  as  Bill  himself  kin.  Now,  look 
here — you  must  put  off  ahind  the  cabin  down  the  branch  till  you 
amost  about  come  to  ole  Fire-Skin's  trace — (an  Indian  once  trad- 
ing there) — and  thare  a  kind  a  take  off  a  sort  a  so  like — (point- 
ing S.  S.  West) — rand  that'll  bring  you  to  Hickory  Ridge;  whare 
you  must  keep  down  like,  but  a  sort  a  leetle  barin  up,  till  you 


FIFTH  YEAR  433 

strike  B'ar  Waller — (a  creek) — and  thare  keep  rite  even  on  strate 
ahead  till  you  gits  to  Rock-Ford — and  some  wher  strate  ayond  is 
near  about  whare  Bill  fust  seed  the  wolf  or  fox,  I  disremember 
which  on  'em  'twas — but  no  odds  no  how — only  foller  on  thare, 
a  turning  though  left;  and  a  leetle  ayond  is  the  sink  holes: — and 
'twas  one  on  'em  the  varmint  tuk  into — I  don't  know  the  hole,  but 
it  is  a  powerful  big  one,  and  about  as  round  as  a  sugar  kittle." 

In  the  party  were  folks  that  had  killed  turkeys  on  Hickory; 
fought  bruins  on  Bear  Wallow ;  hunted  deer  around  Rock  Ford ; 
yet  had  we  not  fortunately  encountered  Bill  himself,  near  Fire- 
Skin's  trace,  and  received  directions  a  little  different,  we  should, 
indeed  have,  found  the  sink  holes — but  not  the  cave.  That  was 
in  a  sink  by  itself,  half  a  mile  from  the  others,  in  size  less  than  the 
least,  and  without  any  shape  whatever — a  place  none  save  a  fox 
or  a  hunter  could  ever  have  found! 

But  that  place,  by  Bill's  directions,  was  reached.  And  now  the 
nature  of  the  next  operation  being  better  understood,  our  explor- 
ing party  became  small  if  not  select.  Some  ten  feet  down,  after 
scratching  through  briars  and  bushes,  we  espied  a  rat  hole,  or 
to  make  the  most  of  it,  an  opening  thirty  inches  long  by  eighteen 
wide;  excepting  where  sharp  points  of  rock  projected  and  made 
the  aperture  an  inch  or  two  less.  And  this  hole  was  the  veritable 
door  of  the  cavern!  This  was  manifest  from  the  worn  trace  of 
some  kind  of  beasts;  but  mainly  from  Domore's  report,  who 
crawled  in  backward,  and  in-  five  minutes  crawled  out  head  fore- 
most, saying — "He  backed  in  a  rite  smart  chance,  yet  arter  a 
while  he  finded  he  could  a  kinder  sorter  stand  up — and  then  he 
kim  out  to  sartify  the  kumpine." 

Immediately  commenced  a  metaphorical  backing  out:  most  of 
the  ladies  declared  at  once  they  never  would  crawl  into  such  a 
place!  Some  also  refused  out  of  cowardice;  and  some  were 
bound  to  refuse  by  tight  corslets  and  other  bandages.  Yet  some 
half  dozen,  and  among  them  Mrs.  Clarence  and  Mrs.  Cailton 
(who  usually  kept  together),  defying  natural  and  conventional 
objections,  said  they  would  follow  the  preacher,  as  he  could  ex- 
orcise foul  spirits  ;3  and  as  to  other  inhabitants,  they  would  leave 
them  to  Domore  and  the  other  brave  hunters  with  us.  Some 

3  That  dirty  work  is  better  done  now  by  his  Holiness.4 

4  The  reader  will  have  noticed  from  several  passages  the  intense  and 
intolerant  anti-Catholic  bias  of  the  author. 


434  FIFTH  YEAR 

gentlemen  that  wished  to  go  in,  had  to  remain  with  the  recusant 
ladies :  and  some  hardy  bucks,  with  rifles,  preferred  hunting  an 
hour  or  two  "to  crawlin  on  all  fours  under  the  airth  like  darn'd 
brute  critturs !"  But  this  was  "possum" — these  latter  feared  to  be 
cut  out,  and  intended  to  stay  above  ground  and  improve  the 
time  in  sparking. 

One  affianced  pair  were  so  determined  on  the  descent,  and  so 
resisted  all  dehortations,  that  some  of  the  hide-bound  were 
tempted  to  go  along  with  us,  under  a  suspicion  that  the  lovers, 
if  they  went  into  the  cave  two,  would  return  one:  curiosity  being 
nearly  as  strong  as  corsets! — but  not  quite. 

To  all,  however,  it  was  strange  poor  Polly  Logrul  obstinately 
refused  to  go  down;  although  her  sweetheart  was  making  ready 
to  do  so,  and  her  rival,  Peggy  Ketchim,  was  to  be  of  the  crawling 
party !  And  when  all  knew  Polly  was  neither  nice  nor  timid ; 
and  would  not  hesitate  to  seize  a  wolf  natural  by  the  ears !  But, 
reader,  I  was  in  the  secret : — Polly  was  too  large  for  the  aperture ! 
Hog5  and  hominy  had  enlarged  her  physics  till  poor  Polly,  who 
had  hitherto  triumphed  in  her  size,  now  wished  herself  a  more 
ethereal  sprite:  for  I  accidentally  saw  her,  when  she  supposed 
all  at  a  distance,  standing  near  the  cave  door,  and  convincing 
herself  by  a  total  blocking  of  the  aperture  by  a  part  only  of  her 
form,  that  Peggy  Ketchim  would  have  Jesse — ah !  in  what  unseen 
part  of  the  underworld,  that  day,  all  to  herself ! 

At  length  all  was  ready.  Then  we  formed  in  Indian  file,  faces 
outward  and  backs  towards  the  entrance,  and  began  slowly  to 
retrograde  from  the  sun-light.  Domore  led  the  rear;  then  came 
the  braves ;  then  backed  in  Professor  Harwood,  then  Mr.  Carlton, 
his  wife  following  before  him,  and  then  Principal  Clarence,  with 
wife  ditto:  and  then — 

"What  then?  How  did  the  young  ladies  and  gentlemen  come 
down?" 

I  could  not  see  beyond  Mr.  Clarence.  It  was  arranged,  however, 
that  the  ladies  should  come  in  a  line  in  front  of  Mrs.  Clarence, 
and  the  young  gentlemen  bring  up  the  van — like  going  up  and 
down  stairs  in  monuments  and  steeples  to  the  east.  Doubtless  all 
backed  in  judiciously,  as  we  heard  no  complaints:  although  there 

5  Used   here   technically — not  vulgarly. 


FIFTH  YEAR  435 

was  incessant  laughter,  screeching,  squealing,  and  the  like ;  and  an 
occasional  exclamation,  as — "You,  Joe!" — "Awh!  now  Sam,  let 
me  be!" — "Go  away — I  don't  want  none  o'  your  help!" — "Take 
that  now!" — which  last  was  followed  by  a  hard  slap  on  some- 
body's face,  and  instantly  answered  by — "Darn  it,  Peg!  if  you 
ain't  a  bustur!" 

The  entrance  was  the  grand  difficulty;  for  on  squeezing  down 
a  few  yards,  the  rocks  went  down  like  irregular  steps,  and  our 
heads  began  gradually  to  rise,  till  by  our  torches  were  seen  the 
rocks  above  ascending  in  a  similar  way:  and  in  about  fifty 
feet  from  the  aperture  we  could  stand  erect  and  look  round  on  a 
vast  cavern,  widening  in  every  direction.  Here  the  rear  awaited 
the  centre,  and  then  both,  the  van ;  and  then  all  the  torches  being 
lighted,  we  could  see  more  distinctly  this  terra  incognita. 

Deep  fissures  were  apparent  in  the  rocks  below,  into  which  one 
might  have  fallen  in  the  dark;  but  we  met  no  accident,  and  con-* 
tinued  now  our  advance  to  the  Grand  Saloon,  or  as  Bill  had 
called  it,  "the  biggerest  cave  whare  he  couldn't  see  the  top  like." 
On  reaching  the  entry  of  this  room,  we  clambered  down  some 
rough  projecting  rocks;  and  thence  passing  along  two  abreast  for 
fifteen  yards,  we  all  stood  safe  in  the  Saloon  itself.  Here  nothing 
was  remarkable  but  the  size.  It  was  an  apartment  about  eighty 
feet  long  and  from  fifteen  to  forty  wide,  the  height  varying  from 
twenty  to  sixty  feet — although  in  some  places  we  could  not  dis- 
cern any  roof. 

Near  one  end,  however,  was  a  rock  not  unlike  a  pulpit,6  about 
four  feet  high  and  ascended  by  natural  steps  and  encircled  by  a 
stony  balustrade.  The  immediate  consecration  was  proposed  to 
our  lovers.  The  gentleman,  a  storekeeper  of  Woodville,  readily 
assented;  but  the  mistress,  a  pretty  and  interesting  young  lady, 
positively  declared  "she  was  determined  never  to  marry  any 
where,  but  to  die  an  old  maid" — sure  sign  of  course,  that  "the  day 
was  fixed;"  for  girls  make  no  such  silly  and  desperate  speeches 
till  either  mature  years  arrive  or  the  marriage  is  secretly  arranged. 
When  rallied  on  this  point,  she  took  the  other  tack  and  said,  "if 
she  did  marry,  it  should  be  above  the  earth ;  for  she  didn't  believe 

6  The  author  is  aware  of  indistinctness  here — but  that  is  owing  to  the 
amazing  variety  in  pulpits  themselves. 


436  FIFTH  YEAR 

a  marriage  under  it  was  legal ;  and  for  her  part,  when  she  could 
find  a  fellow  worth  having,  she  intended  to  adhere  to  him  till 
death!" 

"Well!" — said  Peggy  Ketchim, — 'I'd  jist  as  leef  marry  the 
man  I  lov'd  down  here  as.  not" — looking  tender  at  Jesse,  Miss 
Logrul's  beau.  Jesse,  however,  would  not  take,  being  yet  vexed 
at  the  slap  severely  done  to  his  face  on  the  crawl-way;  but  he 
very  ungallantly  replied : 

"Well,  darn  it,  if  I  wouldn't  like  the  joke  too,  if  Miss  Logrul 
had  only  kim  down — " 

"Poll  Logrul!" — (dixit  Peggy) — '"what's  the  use  a  her  tryin  to 
go  through  life  with  a  feller,  whom  she  couldn't  squeeze  into  a 
cave." 

Here  were  plainly  symptoms  of  a  squall,  which  it  was  expedient 
to  overwhelm  with  a  storm ;  hence  I  proposed  to  try  the  effect  of  a 
unanimous  and  vigorous  "hurraw !" — and  to  ascertain  if  the  party 
outside  could  hear  our  shouting.  This  was  agreed;  and  then  at 
the  signal  we  let  it  out! — and  oh!  the  uproar!  inconceivable 
before,  indescribable  now !  And  the  effect  so  different  from  noises 
in  the  world — in  a  few  moments  hundreds  of  bats,  hitherto  per- 
tinaciously adhesive  to  the  rocks,  took  wing,  and  flying,  with  no 
discretion,  they  dashed  in  panic  against  our  very  faces  and  open 
mouths,  and  speedily  extinguished  more  than  half  our  torches. 
Many  ladies  would  have  fainted,  and  most  would  have  screamed ; 
but  ours,  knowing  that  noise  had  brought  the  evil,  remained  quiet ; 
and  hence  the  bats  soon  withdrew  to  their  clinging,  and  our 
torches  were  relighted;  and — 

"Hark !— what's  that !  ?" 

"What?" 

"Listen!" 

We  did,  and  heard  an  indistinct  and  peculiar  noise — now  like 
whining — now  growling — and  then  it  seemed  a  pit-pat  sound  like 
padded  feet!  and  it  then  died  away,  and  we  were  left  to  our 
speculations. 

"Huh !  haw ! — its  them  blasted  fellers  outside  a  trying  to  sker 
the  gals  down  here." 

"Who  knows  if  it  ain't  Bill's  fox?" 

"Spose  it  was  Bill's  wolf— hey?" 


FIFTH  YEAR  437 

At  this  ingenious  suggestion,  the  ladies  all  in  unaffected  alarm, 
proposed  an  immediate  retreat.  Yet  Domore  and  Jesse  and  half 
a  dozen  other  chaps,  said  "they  did  want  most  powerful  bad  jist 
to  see  into  the  next  room  a  little  down  like,  afore  goin  back;" 
and  hence  the  ladies  kindly  agreed  to  wait  in  the  saloon,  with  a 
guard  for  their  return. 

The  explorers,  then,  set  off ;  and  for  a  time  were  heard  their 
footsteps  and  merry  voices,  till  all  were  hushed  in  the  distance; 
and  we  in  silence  remained  striving  to  catch  yet  some  faint  sound 
— when  forth  on  a  sudden  came  the  burst  of  terrific  screams  and 
outcries  from  the  exploring  party !  and  that  soon  followed  by  the 
noise  of  feet  coming  back  quicker  by  far  than  they  had  gone 
away!  And  then  into  the  saloon  jumped  and  tumbled  the  whole 
party,  a  few  laughing  and  jeering,  but  most  bawling  out — "a  Ba'r! 
aBa'r!!" 

Our  ladies,  of  course,  added  at  first  a  scream ;  and  there  was 
some  involuntary  adhering  to  husbands'  and  lovers'  arms;  a 
little  earnest  entreaty  to  get  out  instantly;  and  then  a  rushing 
towards  the  egress  of  the  cave,  and  then  a  rushing  back,  as  dark- 
ness in  that  direction  became  visible,  and  bats'  wings  flapped  again 
into  faces ;  yet  in  no  long  time  order  was  restored,  and  we  listened 
to  the  following  account  from  Domore. 

"Well !  I  tell  you  what  naburs !  if  I  warn't  about  as  most  power- 
ful near  a  treadin  on  a  darn  black  varmint  of  a  ba'r,  as  most 
folks  ever  was  I  allow.  You  see,  as  we  a  kind  a  kim  to  that 
tother  long  hole,  says  I  to  Jess,  Jess  says  I,  you  jist  take  this  here 
light  of  mine  here,  and  I'll  go  fust  a  head  and  feel  along  till  we 
git's  to  that  'are  room  Bill  tells  on,  whare  he  seed  a  crik  a  runnin 
across  tother  end,  says  I.  Well,  so  Jess  he  takes  the  light  and  we 
kim  to  whare  you  a  kinder  sorter  go  down  a  leetle,  and  I  was 
je-e-st  agoin  so — (action) — to  put  down  one  leg  this  a  way  so, 
a  holdin  on  so — (clinging  to  the  pulpit) — above  like,  and  I 
sees  the  rock  b'low  a  most  powerful  black  and  dark,  and  I  thinks 
as  maybe  it  mought  be  a  deep  hole; — and  with  that  says  I  to 
Jess,  Jess  says  I,  tote  along  that  light  a  yourn — and  then  I  holds 
it  down  this  a  way — (using  his  torch) — whare  I  was  goin  to  step, 
and  darn  my  leggins  if  the  hole  didn't  seem  a  movinin  and  a 
movinin,  till  all  of  a  quick  up  sprouted  a  ba'r's  head !  and  his  eyes 


438  FIFTH  YEAR 

a  sort  a  starin  so — (imitating) — rite  slam  smack  on  mine!  Well 
Jess  he  seed  him  too,  and  the  way  he  let  out  his  squawk  was  a 
screecher  I  tell  you !  And  then  all  them  tother  fellers  what  was 
ahind,  darn  em  if  they  didn't  squeel  as  if  they  was  skulp'd ! — and 
put  out  and  make  tracks  for  this  here  preachers'  room !  But  you 
see,  I've  fit  ba'r  afore  and  I  know'd  this  one  warnt  agoin  to  fite — 
and  I  seed  him  a  putting  off  afore  I  kim  away — and  if  I'd  had 
one  of  them  chaps  rifles  above  ground,  why  you  see  if  we 
wouldn't  a  cooked  ba'r  meat  down  here  to  day  thar's  no  snakes." 

"But  Domore,  suppose  the  bear  had  made  battle?" 

"Well — Mr.  Carltin,  'spose  he  had — do  you  see  this?" — draw- 
ing from  his  jacket  a  very  savage  looking  scalping  knife. 

"Yes!  yes! — Domore — and  I  would  not  have  asked  you,  if  I 
had  known  you  had  your  knife." 

"Well,  you  see,  Mr.  Carltin,  I  don't  mean  no  'fence — but  that 
a  sorter  shows  you  don't  know  all  about  the  woods  yit — albeit 
you're  a  powerful  feller  with  the  rifle;  a  hunter  doesn't  go  into 
timber  without  his  knife,  and  never  no  how  into  sich  like  caves  and 
holes  as  this  here  one." 

Fears  had  now  abated;  and  the  ladies  professed  great  confi- 
dence in  my  friend  Domore's  skill  and  bravery ;  still,  it  was  voted 
to  retire  immediately  into  the  world,  and  our  line  of  retreat  was 
as  follows. 

1.  Nearly  all  the  males,  headed  by  Jesse,  who,  wishing  to  show 
his  spunk  and  retrieve  the  disgrace  of  his  "screecher,"  led  the  van, 
now  in  front. 

2.  All  the  females. 

3.  The  Faculty  and  Mr.  Carlton. 

4.  And  lastly,  Domore  as  rear  guard. 

Without  memorable  accident  our  van  in  due  time  gained  the 
cave-door  and  crawled  out  head  foremost;  then,  aided  by  the 
upper  party  collected  around  at  the  unexpected  egress,  they 
helped  out  the  female  incumbents;  and  then,  amid  united  con- 
gratulations and  derisions,  we,  the  last  division  were  ushered 
slowly  once  more  into  ordinary  life. 

"But  where's  Domore  our  rear  guard?" 

"Oh!  I  hear  him,  or  something  else,  pushing  out — he  makes 
powerful  little  head  way  tho' — maybe  he's  draggin  a  ba'r — he's 
mighty  fussy  with  something  and  very  onactive." 


FIFTH  YEAR  439 

By  this  time  our  whole  party  had  come  around  the  aperture 
and  were  with  great  interest  eyeing  the  spot  to  greet  our  hero — 
when — could  it  be ! — the  hole  was  suddenly  blocked  up ! — 

"Goodness!  Mr.  Carlton, — was  it  the  bear?" 

"Oh !  no — no — no !  dear  reader,  it  was  the  full  disk  of  Domore's 
tow-linen  posterior  inexpressibles !  For  with  proper  regard  of 
self-defence,  and  yet  with  this  peculiar  breach  of  etiquette,  he 
was  coming  out  of  the  aperture  wrong  end  foremost ! 

Aye-yah!  you  may  hold  up  your  fans,  and  so  forth:  but  fans 
themselves  would  have  joined  in  the  universal,  uncontrollable, 
ungenteel,  and  almost  unendable  laughter,  that  for  the  first  and 
the  last  and  the  only  time  since  its  creation,  startled  and  shook  the 
grim  old  trees  that  day !  Laughter  like  that  occurs  only  once  in  a 
life  time !  And  this  is  said  deliberately,  and  to  enable  the  judicious 
critics  to  remark — "The  author  on  page  so  and  so  is  again  guilty 
of  something  like  laughing  at  his  own  stories." 

"Well," — said  Domore,  when,  at  long  last,  he  mnde  his  apology, 
— "well,  I  know'd  it  warnt  the  best  manners  to  back  out  like ;  and 
it  warnt  powerful  easy  ither;  but  you  see  it  a  sort  a  couldn't  be 
helped;  for,  says  I  to  meself,  down  thare,  'spose,  says  I,  the 
darn'd  b'ar,  or  some  sich  ugly  varmint,  was  to  kim  agin  a  feller, 
what  would  be  the  use  of  kickin  at  'im?  And  so  I  jist  sticked  my 
torch  in  a  hole,  and  drawed  out  my  knife,  and  kim  out  as  you  see, 
and  ready  to  give  it  to  any  varmint  what  mought  kim  ahind  me." 

This  was  voted  satisfactory;  and  Domore  was  cheered  as  the 
lion  of  the  New  Purchase;  showing,  too,  that  the  race  of  the 
Putnams  is  not  extinct.7 

Our  pic-nicery  was  now  ready;  and  we  began  to  regale  our- 
selves with  keen  appetites,  when  a  few  drops  of  water  made  us 
think  some  one  was  playing  a  prank;  but  alas!  no — it  was  rain! 
downright  rain.  And  now  if  I  had  the  pen  of  a  ready  writer,  I 
might  tell  how  quick  the  eatables  were  deserted — knives,  cups, 
plates,  cloths,  all  stuffed  and  crammed  into  saddle-bags — shawls 
pitched  on,  and  off,  too — bonnets  tied  under  chins — horses  sad- 
dled— mounted — and  we  away,  away,  over  Rock  Ford — up  and 

7  Referring  to  Israel  Putnam,  a  hero  of  the  American  Revolution,  who, 
according  to  the  story  of  his  early  days  on  the  New  England  frontier, 
crept  into  the  lair  of  a  big  wolf  and  there  killed  the  animal. 


440  FIFTH  YEAR 

down  Hickory  Ridge — on  Fire-Skin's  trace — and  once  more  snug 
and  spongy  behind  Bill's  cabin. 

Bill  and  his  wife  pressed  us  to  stay  all  night, — a  hunter's 
heart  being  always  bigger  than  his  cabin, — but  we  all  refused 
except  Domore :  and  he  stayed,  not  to  avoid  the  rain,  but  to  talk 
over  the  cave  affair  and  the  bear  scrape.  We  took  a  fresh  start, 
and  scampered  on  fast  as  ever  to  escape  now  the  coming  darkness : 
and  in  process  of  time  reached  Woodville,  a  sad  reverse  of  the 
gay  and  dry  party  of  the  morning !  Yet  how  we  looked  none  could 
tell,  for  it  was  then  a  coal  black  night;  but  judging  by  our  own 
plight,  when  standing  by  the  kitchen  fire,  our  whole  party  must 
have  been  a  remarkably  shivering  and  absorporific  compound  of 
mud  and  water ! 

Upper  class  and  aristocratic  gowns,  frocks,  hats  and  broad 
cloth  and  silk  in  general,  had  encountered  melancholy  accidents; 
but  none  so  serious  as  were  met  by  two  bran  new  second  rate 
Leghorns,  ambitiously  sported  for  the  first  time  to-day  by  two 
of  our  tip-top  young  ladies.  These  big-buggeries  were  not  only 
soaked  and  stained  with  water  and  dirt  of  divers  colors,  but  even 
torn  by  briars  and  branches :  and  this  utter  ruin  and  loss  retarded 
our  civilization  a  full  year!  it  being  all  that  time  before  the 
articles  were  replaced,  and  none  others  presuming  to  lead  our 
fashions  in  this  respect  except  the  two  pretty,  but  rather  vain 
Misses  Ladybook.8 

8  The  Misses  Owen,  afterwards  Mrs.  Irvin  Maxwell  and  Mrs.  Judge 
James  Hughes. 


CHAPTER  LIV. 

"But  ye  that  suffer;  who  have  felt 

The  destiny  of  earth, 
That  death,  with  shadowy  hand  hath  dealt 

Rebuke  amid  your  mirth ; 
To  you  this  tribute  of  a  word, 

When  other  sounds  have  fled, 
Will  come  like  lov'd  tones,  faintly  heard — 

The  memory  of  the  dead." — MELLEN. 

OUR  family  was  usually  very  harmonious;  yet  the  surface  of 
our  quiescence  was  occasionally  ruffled.  For  instance,  Mr.  Carl- 
ton  believed  that  Miss  Elizabeth  Carlton,  now  nearly  four  years 
old,  if  she  did  spell,  ought  to  do  it  by  sounds  of  the  letters: 
Aunt  Kitty  insisted  it  ought  to  be  in  the  march  of  mind  way — by 
pictures  of  things.  And  Aunt  Kitty  carried  the  clay,  affirming 
that  the  baby  could  learn  to  spell  in  six  days! — Mr.  Carlton  not 
caring  whether  she  spelled  or  not,  provided  she  had  plenty  of 
air  and  sunshine,  and  played  all  the  time  with  a  kitten  or  a  doll. 
But  when  he  obstinately  persisted  that  the  little  one  could  not 
ever  learn  to  spell  by  pictures,  and  must  do  it  by  the  sounds  of 
separate  letters,  away  flounced  Aunt  Kitty  after  a  caricature  book ; 
and  then  flouncing  back  she  said  with  a  voice  of  triumph : 

"There,  Mr.  Carlton,  spell  her  any  where." 

"Well,  dearee,  what  does  c-o-w  spell?" — covering  at  the  same 
time  the  figure  with  the  hand. 

"Cow,"  said  the  baby  in  an  instant. 

"There!  Mr.  Carlton— now  sir!" — durit  Aunt  Kitty. 

"How  do  you  know,  dearee,  that  it  spells  cow?" — said  Mr.  C. 

"I  sees  the — legs !" — replied  baby. 

Aunt  Kitty  put  out;  while  echo  maliciously  repeated — "There! 

Mr.  Carlton — now  sir!" 

****** 

— Dear  one !  that  was  true  learning  Aunt  Kitty  gave  you  daily 
from  the  Word  of  God.  She  did,  indeed,  by  her  living  voice, 
teach  in  figures  about  heaven!  even  as  the  blessed  word  itself. 
And  it  was  to  that  heaven,  dearest!  you  went  not  many  months 

441 


442  FIFTH  YEAR 

after;   when   death   so   strangely   quenched   the   light   of    those 

sweetly  soft  blue  eyes ! 

****** 

Parents!  have  you  children  in  heaven?  The  author  hopes  he 
has  five.  And  shall  we  not  strive  to  rejoin  the  loved  ones,  where 
day-dreams  are  no  more;  and  all  is  glorious,  satisfying,  unending 
reality  ? 


CHAPTER   LV. 

"There  was  a  sound  of  revelry  by  night, 
And  Belgium's  capital  had  gathered  then 
Her  beauty  and  her  chivalry;  and  bright 
The  lamps  shone  o'er  fair  women  and  brave  men : — 
A  thousand  hearts  beat  happily;  and  when 
Music  arose  with  its  voluptuous  swell, 
Soft  eyes  looked  love  to  eyes  which  spake  again, 
And  all  went  merry  as  a  marriage  bell — 
But  hush !  hark !  a  deep  sound  strikes  like  a  rising  knell  ?" 

WE  shall  conclude  this  year  with  a  wedding. 

"Who  is  to  be  married?" 

John  Glenville. 

"That  old  bachelor?" 

The  same. 

"To  whom?" 

Pardon  me,  I  may  not  tell.    The  courtship,  however,  had  been 
speedy.    On  his  side  an  affair  of  the  heart — not  I  fear,  on  hers. 

He  certainly  married  not  for  money;  she — but  she  is  in  her 
forest  grave  now — and  let  her  memory,  like  her  body,  rot.  Happy 
if  another  at  the  wedding  had  died — that  one  can  never  die  so 
peaceful  now !  The  serpents  of  our  woods  were  fatal — yet  they  gave 
warning — thou  wast  and  art  a  more  deadly  snake — and  warned 
not !  Traitor !  the  world  will  not  understand  this ;  and  may  deem 
it  fiction — thou  wilt  understand  and  sooner  or  later — tremble  f 
God  save  thee,  however,  the  horrors  of  a  death  bed ! 
****** 

The  society  of  Woodville  was  not  yet  refined  as  it  might  have 


FIFTH  YEAR  443 

been;  although  steps  for  the  sublimating  process  had  been  taken 
by  our  gentry,  and  with  some  success.  Such  attempts,  however, 
by  many,  were  regarded  with  jealousy,  and  by  not  a  few  with 
feelings  of  rancorous  hostility.  Sometimes,  too,  every  attempt 
had  failed,  and  that  owing  to  the  "galls:"  for  these  insisted  on 
mixing  with  our  parties,  and  also  on  taking  seats  at  table ;  or  if 
not  present,  it  was  owing  to  management,  and  not  a  tame  sur- 
render of  the  helper's  rights.  Not  unfrequently  had  an  embryo 
lady,  or  one  emerging  from  the  grub  and  hoosiery  form,  been 
compelled  by  the  discontent  of  her  help,  who  had  detected  the 
artifice  of  her  mistress,  to  soothe  the  young  lady  by  saying  before 
the  company: 

"Betty,  child,  I  do  wish  you  would  sit  down  and  a  sort  a  pour 
out,  while  I  run  out  and  bake  the  rest  of  the  cakes." 

Once  a  very  select  party  of  prospective  gentry  had  assembled 
at  Mrs.  Roughsmoothe's,  and  had  become  talkative  and  lively; 
when  the  gall-help,  wishing  to  increase  the  fun,  suddenly  descended 
from  the  loft,  into  our  company,  and  paraded  over  the  room  in 
her  lady's  husband's  brother's  old  buckskin  breeches! 

To  aid  the  polishing  of  society,  after  long  discussions  among 
the  ladies,  not  those  only  connected  with  the  bride  elect,  but 
others  intimate  with  our  several  families,  it  was  determined  to 
have  a  sample  wedding.  To  this,  indeed,  the  gentlemen  all  had 
objections;  but  the  weaker  sex,  as  is  always  in  such  affairs  the 
case,  proved  the  stronger :  and  so  away  to  work  went  all  hands  for 
the  grand  display. 

And  now,  the  truth  of  political  economy  became  manifest, 
that  extravagance  benefits  mechanics,  storekeepers,  and  the  like; 
for  we  sold  broadcloth,  and  trimmings,  and  silks,  and  satins — in 
short,  all  things  for  wedding-suits  dresses  and  decorations;  and 
every  mantua-maker,  milliner,  tailor,  and  shoemaker  was  in  im- 
mediate requisition.  Superfine  flour,  too,  was  needed — the  best 
teas  and  coffees — the  best  loaf  sugar — the  best,  in  a  word,  of  all 
persons  and  things  from  the  beginning  to  the  end  of  Woodville. 
Nay,  many  articles  were  required  from  the  Ohio  River.  Hence, 
so  many  messages  were  sent,  and  so  many  packages  brought,  by 
waggoners  and  travellers,  to  and  from,  that  long  before  the 
eventful  day,  half  the  State  was  advertised  of  the  coming  cere- 


444  FIFTH  YEAR 

mony.  Indeed,  not  a  few  at  that  time  came  into  Woodville  from 
adjoining  counties:  which  accounts  for  the  curious  external  cele- 
bration that  accompanied  the  internal  one. 

Nor  were  only  selling  and  buying  promoted  by  the  affair — it 
increased  borrowing  and  lending.  Many,  who  "allowed"  they 
would  be  asked,  had  agreed  to  lend  one  another  suitable  apparel, 
from  caps  and  curls  upwards,  to  shoes  and  stockings  downwards : 
and  our  bride's  folks,  not  having  domestic  means  enough,  had 
borrowed  far  and  wide  every  article  in  the  shape  of  china,  proper, 
and  mock,  and  silver,  German  and  real.  Consequently,  the  whole 
settlement  was  more  or  less  interested  in  our  wedding :  and  it  was 
clear  as  sunshine,  we  should  have  as  fine  a  gathering  of  Hoosiers, 
in  all  stages  of  refinement,  both  inside  and  outside  the  house,  as 
the  heart  of  man  could  desire. 

The  wedding  week  had  now  arrived;  and  notes,  prepared  in 
the  best  style,  were  sent  round  by  Wooley  Ben,  the  negro  barber, 
hired  as  waiter  and  to  discharge  a  dozen  other  offices  and  duties. 
Additional  waiters  would  have  been  employed;  but  this  was  the 
only  respectable  black  "nigger"  in  town:  and  as  to  hiring  a 
native,  white,  red,  or  brown,  you  might  as  easily  have  hired  the 
Governor.  Indeed,  nobody  had,  either  little  enough  brains,  or 
sufficient  temerity,  to  make  the  experiment: — a  hundred  to  one, 
we  should  have  either  been  jawed  or,  more  likely,  got  our  own 
jaws  slapped. 

Well,  the  grand  evening  came  at  last;  and  about  sundown  the 
wedding  guests  arrived,  and  were  formally  ushered  into  the  par- 
lour; which,  for  the  first,  saw  ladies  enter  without  bonnets,  an^ 
with  heads — some  profusely,  but  many  tastefully — decorated 
with  flowers  and  curls,  artificial  and  real.  And  never  had  that 
room  been  so  full  of  seats,  thread-lace,  and  bobinette!  It  had 
the  honour  of  sustaining  the  first  fashionable  jam  ever  known  in 
the  Purchase ! 

Across  the  entry,  was  a  dining  room ;  which  was  now  devoted 
to  the  supper-table,  and  its  fixins.  The  supper  differed,  however, 
in  no  important  point  from  an  eastern  affair — except,  it  was  twice 
as  abundant.  But  our  furniture  was  very  different.  Things 
went,  indeed,  by  usual  names ;  yet  the  plate  and  the  plates  were 
very  unlike,  modern  articles :  and  they  were  different  from  them- 


FIFTH  YEAR  445 

selves !  All  were  antique  vases,  goblets,  spoons,  and  so  forth,  the 
relics  of  broken  and  by-gone  sets ;  and  gathered,  not  merely  from 
all  parts  of  the  Union,  but  from  France,  England,  Nova-Scotia, 
Scotland,  and  Wales.  China  and  silver  representatives  were  on 
that  table,  of  all  the  grand  old-fashioned  dignity  once  pertaining 
to  the  ancestry  of  the  Woodville  grandees;  and  whose  preten- 
sions to  gentility  thus  shone  forth  in  a  dumb  show !  Not  a  bit  of 
plate,  pretended  or  genuine,  but  what  had  been  borrowed,  and 
several  pieces  had  even  been  sent  voluntarily ;  so  that  Ned,  one  of 
the  company  without,  very  properly  said,  in  his  vernacular : 

"Well!  bust  my  rifle,  if  I  allowed  thare  was  sich  a  powerful 
heap  of  silver  and  chanery1  in  these  here  diggins!  I  tell  you 
what,  Domore!  wouldn't  them  wot-you-callums  buy  up  ne'er 
about  Uncle  Sam's  land  in  these  parts  ?" 

It  has  been  said,  the  incipient  attempts  to  sublimate  and  crys- 
talize  society,  were  viewed  by  many  with  enmity:  and  hence 
the  male  clarifiers  had  opposed  all  grand  doings  now,  as  the 
whole  might  irritate,  excite  great  prejudice,  and  even  retard 
the  desired  improvements.  That  such  fears  were  not  groundless, 
will  appear  in  the  sequel :  but  an  episode  is  here  necessary. 

In  many  places  of  the  Far  West,  in  those  days,  was  prevalent 
a  custom  derived  from  the  Canadians,  called  Chevrarai;  or,  as 
pronounced  by  us  in  the  Purchase,  and  spelled  by  Mr.  Nonpareil 
Primer,  our  College  printer — Shiver -ree.  And  that  looks  and 
sounds  as  much  like  the  thing  as  its  echo.  Hence  we  shall  fol- 
low nature,  or  Mr.  Primer  (who  was  very  natural  in  spelling), 
and  call  the  thing  Shiver-ree.  The  Shiver-reeing  was  done 
by  a  collection  of  all  physical  bodies  capable  of  emitting 
sounds  from  a  sugar  kettle  to  a  horse-shoe ;  and  from  the  hoarsest 
bass  of  the  toughest  Hoosier,  to  the  most  acute  treble  of  the  ten- 
derest  Hoosierine — and  all,  at  a  signal,  let  off  at  once  under  the 
windows,  and  in  the  very  doors,  of  the  marriage  house. 

Commonly  fun  only  was  designed;  and  the  serenaders  good 
humouredly  retired  after  a  dram  of  some  alcoholic  liquor.  Still, 
a  little  frolicsome  mischief  was  sometimes  added.  For  instance, 
the  Shiver-ree-ers  would  insist  on  seeing  the  bridegroom;  and 
the  moment  he  appeared,  he  would  be  transported  to  their 

1  China. 


446  FIFTH  YEAR 

shoulders,  and  paraded  round  a  few  hundred  yards,  and  in  the 
very  centre  of  the  music;  after  which,  he  would  be  restored  to 
his  anxious  bride,  and  the  revellers,  giving  three  cheers,  would 
retire.  The  bridegroom  would  indeed,  sometimes  be  kept  too 
long ;  as  was  the  case  with  the  young  store-keeper,  who  had  been 
of  our  cave  party:  for,  the  Shiver-ree  folks,  having,  by  a  very 
cunning  stratagem,  caught  this  bridegroom,  contrived  to  carry  him 
away,  and  keep  him  locked  up  in  the  jury-room  of  the  Court- 
house till  near  day-break,  when  he  was  liberated!  And,  all  this, 
without  his  being  able  to  identify  one  of  his  persecutors ! 

But  the  Shiver-ree  was  used,  also,  to  annoy  any  unpopular  per- 
son or  family.  And,  then,  not  even  double  or  quadruple  drams 
could  purchase  peace.  The  moment  always  chosen  to  begin  the 
concert,  was  when  the  parties  stood  before  the  parson.  Then 
the  power  of  his  voice,  the  patience  of  the  groom,  and  the  nerves 
of  the  bride,  were  all  fairly  tested.  The  solemnization  was  as 
publicly,  and  loudly  announced  as  by  the  roar  of  artillery  at  royal 
celebrations.  The  art  within  was  to  elude  the  vigilance  of  the 
party  without :  in  which  attempt,  however,  to  the  best  of  my  recol- 
lection, the  party  within  was  always  preeminently  unsuccessful — 
it  being  not  possible  that  any  movement  could  escape  a  dozen 
practised  eyes  and  ears  watching  for  signs,  and  usually  aided  by 
treachery  within  the  house. 

Well,  to-night,  with  all  experience  against  us,  and  although 
notified,  by  ominous  sounds  of  rehearsal,  that  the  musicians 
were  ready,  we  tried  the  usual  ways  of  eluding — such  as  dropping 
the  curtains,  appointing  sentinels  for'  doors  and  crevices,  and  spe- 
cially by  keeping  up  no  small  noise  ourselves,  laughing,  talking, 
and  screaming,  up  to  the  instant  when  Mr.  Clarence  suddenly 
rose  and  met  the  bridal  party,  entering  from  an  adjoining  apart- 
ment. Without  delay,  he  began  with  the  notice,  that,  by  virtue 
of  a  license  in  his  hand,  he  appeared  to  unite  in  marriage  the 
parties  named  therein,  viz. — John  Glenville,  of  Guzzleton,  and 

Evelina  B ,  of  B :  and,  as  the  profoundest  stillness  yet 

prevailed  without,  we  began  to  exchange  smiles  of  triumph,  that, 
for  once,  Argus  had  been  beguiled.  Even  the  preacher  proceeded, 
with  unwonted  confidence,  and  said,  pro  formula — "if  any  one 
present  knows  reason  why  the  parties  ought  not  to  be  united  in 


FIFTH  YEAR  447 

the  bands  of  wedlock,  let  such  an  one  now  speak ."  If  any 

body  inside  answered,  the  voice  was  unheard  in  the  horrid  din 
from  without,  that  interrupted  and  replied  to  the  Reverend 
Gentleman's  inquisitorial  formula. 

What  the  din  resembled,  the  reader,  if  poetic  and  fond  of 
music,  may  imagine,  when  we  run  over  the  instruments  of  that 
extra-transcendental  quavering,  quivering,  shivering  and  roaring 
uproar ! — viz.  two  corn  baskets  full  of  cowbells  tied  to  saplings ; 
— a  score  and  a  half  of  frying  pans  beat  with  mush  sticks ; — two 
and  thirty  Dutch  oven  and  skillet  lids  clashed  as  cymbals; — fifty- 
three  horse  shoes,  played  as  triangles; — ten  large  wash-tubs  and 
seven  small  barrels  drummed  with  fists  and  corn-cobs; — one 
hundred  and  ninety-five  quills,  prepared  and  blown  as  clarionets ; 
— forty-three  tin-whistles  and  baby-trumpets,  blown  till  they  all 
cracked ; — two  small  and  one  large  military  drums  with  six  fifes, 
blown  on  D  in  alt.,  or  thereabouts; — add  imitations  of  scalp  and 
war  cries ; — and  inhuman  yells,  screams,  shrieks  and  hisses,  of  the 
most  eminent  vocalists! 

The  human  performers  were  estimated  from  two  hundred  and 
fifty  to  three  hundred  and  fifty !  there  being  about  two  hundred 
extra  volunteers  from  other  counties: — the  whole  mammoth- 
rabble-rouse  being  got  up  to  do  special  dishonour  to  "d d  'ris- 

tocraticul  and  powerful  grand  big-bug  doins !"  There  were  also 
super-human  vocalists ! — of  these  directly. 

Temperance  had  advocates  ready  to  shoot,  but  not  be  shot  for 
her,  in  our  party;  hence  when  the  ceremony  was  supposed  to  be 
ended,  by  the  parson's  being  seen  kissing  the  wife,  out  started  the 
two  groomsmen  and  several  volunteers  with  buckets,  pitchers,  and 
cups,  to  mollify  the  drinking  part  of  the  serenaders.  But  when  the 
customary  doses  were  administered,  not  only  did  the  musicians  not 
retire  with  the  complimentary  cheers,  but  remained  and  calling  for 
"big-bug  wine — fit  for  gentlemen !"  and  letting  off  at  each  repeti- 
tion of  the  demand  peals  of  shiver-ree;  till  finding  after  all  no 
wine  forthcoming,  they  manifested  symptoms  of  more  serious 
riot  and  abuse. 

This  awakened  an  angry  spirit  in  the  bridal  party,  and  threats 
from  without  were  answered  by  menace  from  within,  while  in- 
quiries were  made  of  our  host  what  arms  could  be  furnished  for 


448  FIFTH  YEAR 

the  defence  of  the  castle.  At  this  instant  a  window  sash  behind 
the  Miss  Ladybooks  was  cautiously  raised  from  without,  and  be- 
fore I  could  step  thither  to  hold  down  the  sash,  in  leaped  a 
musician — a  four  footed  swine,  some  six  months  of  age,  and 
weighing  some  fifty  pounds!  Master  Grunter  had  evidently  en- 
tered unwillingly :  and  although  in  his  descent  he  availed  himself 
of  one  lady's  shoulder,  and  another's  lap,  he  trod  elastically  as  an 
essenced  exquisite,  and  scarcely  deranged  a  collar  or  soiled  a 
frock! 

The  feat  was  cheered  by  piggy's  associates;  and  the  more,  as 
our  ladies  in  avoiding  the  unclean  gentleman,  had  sprung  upon 
chairs,  sofas,  and  even  tables,  where  their  alarmed  countenances 
were  visible  above  the  curtains  to  the  bipedalic  hogs  without. 
Young  Squeal,  however,  behaved  himself  just  like  a  pig  in  a 
parlour — he  sneaked  with  a  tight-twisted  tail  and  a  vulgar  grunt 
under  the  grand  bridal  sofa:  and  thence,  I  forget  how,  he  was 
unceremoniously  turned  out  among  his  former  friends,  where  he 
felt  himself  more  at  home. 

Virginia  and  Kentucky  blood  was  now  approaching  the  boiling 
point;  and  a  rush  was  made  by  some  of  us  towards  the  door — 
but  there  Dr.  Sylvan  had,  with  great  wisdom,  already  taken  post 
to  prevent  if  possible,  either  ingress  or  egress.  Still  the  door 
could  not  be  kept  wholly  closed ;  and  we  thus  caught  glimpses  of 
performers  mounted  on  the  backs  of  performers — the  super- 
human ones  being  large  four-footed  hogs,  which  were  held  on 
human  backs,  by  their  front  legs,  advanced  hugging  fashion,  each 
side  a  human  neck!  As  the  rational  creatures  capered  up  and 
down  with  their  riders,  those  irrational  ones,  in  terror  and  fierce 
indignation,  were  sending  forth  those  long,  woful,  keen,  nerve- 
shaking  appeals  for  release,  that  we  in  simplicity  had  till  now 
imagined  masterly  imitations  of  some  squeaking  even  better  than 
piggy  himself !  Nothing  like  the  true  hog  after  all ! 

Meanwhile,  two  thus  doing  piggy-back  in  reverse  order,  had 
gradually  advanced  to  the  door;  when  the  horse-pig  essayed  to 
force  a  wider  aperture,  intending  to  incline  forward  and  thus 
allow  the  mounted  animal  to  leap  into  the  entry,  and  thence  into 
the  dining  room  to  upset  and  demolish  the  table  with  its  goodies 
and  silver.  But  no  sooner  had  the  hog-ridden  serenader  thrust 


FIFTH  YEAR  449 

his  hand  into  the  aperture  than  Dr.  S.  aided  by  Harwood,  forced 
the  door  against  the  member,  and  so  held  the  gentleman  that  he 
cried  out  not  wholly  unlike  Mr.  Snout  but  a  moment  before  on  his 
back,  yet  now  let  fall!  It  is  wonderful  how  hard  a  fellow  can 
pull  when  his  hand  is  thus  caught!  Why,  spite  of  all  the  force 
against  him,  he  did  jerk  his  hand  out — and  left  nothing  behind 
except  the  skin  of  a  thumb  with  a  nail  attached ! — a  scalp  for  the 
victors ! 

At  the  instant  word  came  to  the  author,  that  his  darling  little 
girl  had  gone  into  fits  from  fright !  And  when  I  beheld  the  blood 
gushing  from  her  nose,  and  her  face  pale  and  death-like — *  *  * 
— yes,  I  rushed  out  bare-headed  and  weaponless,  followed  by  a 
few  bold  friends  with  lights,  Dr.  S.  having  left  the  door  to  attend 
to  the  babe!  Our  design  was  to  catch  some  in  the  act  of  riot, 
and  make  them  answer  at  a  legal  tribunal.  Aware  of  this,  the 
rabble  fled  as  our  lights  advanced:  but  soon  rallying  in  a  dark 
corner,  they  began  to  salute  us  with  groans,  hisses  and  stones — 
and  then  rose  the  cry,  "Knock  'em  down! — drag  the  big-bug 
Yankees  through  the  creek !"  And  so  our  situation  was  momen- 
tarily becoming  more  and  more  critical,  when  a  well-known  voice 
thus  arose  in  our  behalf: — 

"Bust  my  rifle — if  I'm  goin  to  stand  by  and  see  that  ither,  I 
say,  or  my  name's  not  Ned  Stanley — no!  no!  I  tel'd  you  to 
put  off  a  hour  ago,  when  me  and  Domore  kirn  up,  arter  they 
give  us  the  fust  dram.  Them  folks  ain't  to  my  idee,  no  how,  but 
they've  got  rites  as  well  as  the  best  on  us — and  I  ain't  agoin  for 
to  see  'em  trampled  on  no  further  no  how.  I  say  Bob  Carltin's  a 
powerful  clever  feller,  arter  all,  albeit  he's  thick  with  big-bugs — 
and,  bust  my  rifle,  if  any  man  knocks  him  down  to-night,  or 
drags  him  in  the  water,  till  he  tries  hisself  fust  on  Ned  Stanley !" 

"Them's  my  idees,  Ned," — responded  the  well  known  voice  of 
Domore, — "and  it  tain't  us  Woodill  fellers  no  how,  what's  car- 
ried it  so  fur — its  them  darn'd  blasted  chaps  from  the  Licks  and 
Nobs.  And  I'm  not  goin  ither  to  go  agin  a  man  what  was  with 
us  in  Bill's  cave — and  if  that  leetle  gal  a  hissin  is  gone  in  a  fit,  I'm 
most  powerful  teetotal  sorry  I  had  any  thing  to  do  with  the  fun 
any  how.  Come,  come,  darn  my  leggins,  let's  make  ourselves 
skerse — come,  fellers,  let's  be  off!" 


450  FIFTH  YEAR 

Mobs,  like  other  flocks  and  herds,  follow  their  leaders  by  in- 
stinct. After  all  Virgil's  poetical  great  man's  power  to  smoothe 
down  popular  swells,  this  night  showed  he  could  have  done 
nothing  that  way  in  the  Purchase.2  For  though  the  grave  and 
reverend  Clarence  was  with  us,  no  subsidence  in  the  boiling  sea 
was  visible,  till  Ned  and  Domore  rose  in  their  majesty;  and 
while  two  or  more  schoolmasters  were  abroad  in  the  land  that 
night,  the  quelling  of  riot  and  preventing  of  violence  and  blood- 
shed, was  by  radical  leaders  destitute  of  learning  and  gravity,  but 
full  of  courage,  manly  feeling,  and  muscular  power ! 

Man  may  be  known  from  books,  but  men  and  boys  are  different 
matters ;  and  the  phases  of  the  genus  Homo  in  the  Purchase  were 
then  different  from  the  phases  elsewhere.  Even  a  genuine 
Hoosier  mob  is  totally  unlike  a  scum  mob  in  an  Atlantic  city: 
generosity  may  be  found  in  the  former,  none  in  the  latter.  The 
first  loves  rather  the  fun,  the  latter,  the  plunder  and  blood,  of  a 
riot.  Fear  of  the  military  scatters  the  city  mob,  an  appeal  to 
manliness  disperses  the  Hoosier  one. 

Our  retreat  was  left,  of  course,  unimpeded;  nor  was  the  an- 
noyance renewed.  Yet  the  spirit  of  frolic  was  up;  and  aided  by 
the  spirit  of  the  still.  Hence,  away  rolled  the  tumult  to  the  forest ; 
where  the  prowling  panther  and  other  denizens  of  the  lairs,  were 
appalled  by  a  tempest  of  sounds,  such  as  never  before  had  dis- 
turbed the  solemnities  of  the  grand  old  shades.  And  the  orgies  of 
the  drunken-god  were  celebrated  as  in  primitive  times,  when 
Orpheus  was  hired  to  lead  home  the  raving  wives  and  daughters 
of  his  townsmen. 

Next  day,  Dr.  Sylvan  and  others  dreading  future  results  of  the 
Shiver-ree8  made  inquisition  for  leading  rioters.  None,  of  course, 
could  be  identified,  save  the  mam  without  the  thumb-skin;  and  he, 
taking  the  alarm,  became  "so  skerse"  as  never  again  to  be  seen  in 

2  Unless  he  had  a  cart  whip  like  a  priest — and  drove  tame  jackasses  — 
ours  were  wild  ones. 

8  The  "Sfhiverree"  here  described  was  at  a  house  still  standing  in 
Blooming-ton  at  the  south  west  corner  of  College  Avenue  and  4th  S'treet. 
For  many  years  it  was  the  property  of  the  Maxwell  family.  The  vulgar 
"shiver-ree,"  as  a  country  custom  in  Southern  Indiana,  has  survived  to 
within  recent  years,  but  it  has  become  a  rare  occurrence.  It  has  been 
superseded  by  miscellaneous  methods  of  annoying  bridal  parties, — the 
teasing  always  being  devised  by  the  special  friends  of  the  bride  and  groom. 


SIXTH  YEAR  451 

Woodville.  For  a  while,  therefore,  the  Shiver-ree  was  disused; 
but  by  degrees  it  was  again  introduced,  and  when  we  left  the 
Purchase  it  was  there  as  popular  and  noisy  as  ever. 


CHAPTER  LVI. 


SIXTH  YEAR. 


"MAR.  Alas  my  lord  I  have  but  killed  a  Fly! 
TIT.     But  how,  if  that  fly  had  a  father  and  mother? 
How  would  he  hang  his  slender  gilded  wings, 
And  buzz  lamenting  doings  in  the  air? 
Poor  harmless  fly ! 
That  with  his  pretty  buzzing  melody, 
Came  here  to  make  us  merry — And  thou  hast  killed  him!" 

BY  a  recent  charter  of  our  college,  it  was  appointed  that  the 
Faculty  should  oversee  the  Students;  the  Trustees,  oversee  the 
Faculty ;  the  Board  of  Visitors,  the  Trustees ;  and  the  Legislature 
the  Visitors ; — the  people  in  general  engaging  to  oversee  the  Legis- 
lature, and  the  people  of  Woodville,  the  entire  whole !  The  cause 
of  education  was,  then,  well  overseen!  And  yet  our  circle  was 
as  vicious  as  that  of  the  Church  Militant  and  Insultant;  which 
keeps  its  antagonist  foundations  in  perpetual  somerset — top  and 
bottom  being  always  at  bottom  and  top — and  yet  so  circumferential 
as  to  be  alike  destitute  of  top  or  bottom,  or  bottom  or  top — and 
bound  by  its  infallibility  to  roll  on  for  ever  in  its  absurdities ! 

And  now  was  to  be  found  the  rara  avis — the  white  crow — a 
good  President.  Distant  and  learned  gentlemen  had  answered  our 
first  inquiries,  by  an  earnest  recommendation  of  Mr.  Clarence; 
but  so  widely  did  that  personage  differ  in  opinion,  that  he  sup- 
pressed a  letter  written  to  himself  urging  him  by  all  means  to  be  a 
candidate.  He  plead  his  youth ;  and  his  wish  to  remain  in  a  sub- 
ordinate post  to  perfect  himself  in  his  favourite  studies, — lan- 
guages, history,  and  mathematics.  He  insisted,  also  that  good 
professors  were  as  important  as  a  good  president ;  and  with  a 
little  allowable  vanity,  he  added,  if  he  should  make  so  good  a 


452  SIXTH  YEAR 

president,  as  his  friends'  partiality  led  them  to  suppose,  it  would 
be  quite  a  loss  to  deprive  the  college  of  so  good  a  professor !  He, 
therefore,  did, —  (unwisely  as  Mr.  Carlton  thinks) — decline  a 
nomination,  and  earnestly  entreat  the  Board  to  look  out  for 
"an  older  man!" 

Professor  Harwood  then  suggested  the  Reverend  Constant 
Bloduplex,  D.D.,  of  Wheelabout ;  and  a  committee  was  appointed 
to  open  a  correspondence  with  that  gentleman.  But  as  his  reply 
was  not  received  till  after  my  return  from  collecting  certain  debts, 
&c.,  we  shall  for  the  present,  take  our  reader  on  an  excursion. 

Fortunately,  for  the  last  forty-eight  hours  were  collecting  rev- 
erend gentlemen  at  Woodville  to  form  a  travelling  party  towards 
the  south  to  a  famous  council,  of  which  Clarence  was  also  a  mem- 
ber; and  I  was  furnished  with  the  most  agreeable  associates. 
Regalists  may  sneer  at  dissenting  and  republican  clergy;  but  I 
repeat,  what  can  never  be  repeated  too  often,  that  such  clergy, 
when  evangelical  and  intelligent,  aside  from  a  spice  of  sec- 
tarianism—  (and  a  man  without  a  spice  is  no  man,  but  a  sneaking 
time-server) — are  the  most  benevolent,  instructive,  entertaining, 
cheerful,  and  liberal  of  men.  They  condense  and  concentrate  most 
qualities,  too,  essential  to  good  fellowship.  Ay !  they  are  usually 
men  of  greatest  courage.  And  when  and  where  duty  calls, 
whether  into  jeopardy  of  property,  or  character,  or  ease,  or  limb, 
or  life  itself,  no  men  more  fearlessly  or  resolutely  encounter  it. 
A  good  man  fears  God — and  that  absorbs  or  counteracts  all  other 
fears. 

Exceptions  occur;  yet  of  intelligent  and  learned  folks  the  true 
clergy  can  and  do,  most  easily  and  naturally,  accommodate  them- 
selves to  opposite  lives;  and,  not  to  acquire  fame  or  money  or 
power,  or  do  penance — but  to  do  good.  Influence  is,  indeed,  thus 
acquired,  yet  not  more  than  is  right  and  desirable.  Far  from 
my  beloved  land  be  that  hour,  when  her  own  republican  ministers 
shall  have  no  literary,  moral  and  spiritual  influence !  God  shield 
her  from  the  Egyptian  darkness  threatening  from  yonder  ominous 
cloud  rising  above  the  distant  horizon — shaped  not  like  a  man's 
hand,  and  pregnant  with  refreshing  rains,  but  like  a  man's  toe 
pretending  contempt,  spurning  overthrow  and  subjugation.  But 
I  smell  faggots ! — and  I  court  not  martyrdom — and  none  can  tell 
what  Hugheous  attempts  may  next  be  made  nor  when !  Sneer  on ! 


SIXTH  YEAR  453 

antipuritan !  if  you  fear  not  for  us,  it  is  high  time,  as  Cato  told 
Caesar  in  the  Roman  Senate,  we  should  fear  for  ourselves !  Bow 
your  own  base  neck — we  will  never  bow  ours  I1 

Our  party  was  increased  at  every  ferry  and  cross  path  till  it 
numbered  twenty-two ;  enough  to  hold  meeting  on  horseback.  The 
time  was  mid  Spring;  and  the  old  woods  were  glorying  in  the 
sylvan  splendours  of  new  dresses  and  decorations.  The  sun 
was,  indeed,  ardent,  and  rejoicing  like  one  to  run  a  race;  but 
then  the  dense  foliage  spread  a  screen  over  the  pathway,  while 
the  balmy  breath  of  zephyrs,  rich  with  perfume  of  wild  flower  and 
blossom,  fanned  our  faces  and  sported  with  the  forest  leaf  and 
spray.  Beauteous  birds  and  tribes  of  unseen  animals  and  insects 
from  every  branch,  and  every  bushy  lair  or  cavern,  were  pouring 
forth  choral  symphonies  of  praise. 

'  Was  it  wonderful,  then,  that  Christians  going  to  a  spiritual 
congress,  should  be  unable  to  restrain  hymns  of  praise?  Out  upon 
rationalism,  or  any  pseudo-ism  that  makes  men  dumb  like — like — 
"beasts?"  No;  "insects?"  No; — these  in  the  woods  God  planted 
and  nurtured  for  ages  are  vocal.  "Like  what  then?"  Like  a 
German  or  a  French  Atheist. 

Hymns  then,  as  we  rode,  were  sung ;  and,  with  heart  and  voice, 
in  the  solemn  and  joyous  words  of  king  David.  God  was  felt  to 
be  there !  His  grand  temple  was  around  us !  How  like  sons  and 
daughters  going  home  rejoicing!  How  like  the  Church  in  the 
wilderness !  We  have  before  said,  what  in  religion  begins  in 
poetry  often  ends  in  prose; — and  so  would  be  the  result  now,  if 
fanaticism  should  get  up  a  system  of  protracted  and  locomotive 
meetings  on  horseback !  The  poetry  belongs  only  to  the  accidental 
occurrence. 

Arrived  in  due  time  at  the  place  of  the  council,  I  was  induced  to 
remain  a  day  and  witness  its  proceedings.  The  weather  being 
favourable,  and  no  cabin  large  enough  to  accommodate  the  hun- 
dreds of  spectators,  many  of  whom  had  come  more  than  a  hun- 
dred miles,  it  was  arranged  to  hold  the  sessions  in  the  woods. 
Among  the  accommodations  was  a  large  wagon  body  placed  on 

1  This  volume  was  published  in  1843.  Nativism,  preceding  Knownoth- 
ingism,  appeared  in  American  politics  in  1844.  This  passage  suggests  a 
hint  at  "anti-Popery."  Hall  was  evidently  a  "sectarian"  with  a  good  deal 
of  vim,  if  not  of  venom. 


454  SIXTH  YEAR 

suitable  timbers,  to  serve  for  a  pulpit;  and  here,  during  the  re- 
ligious exercises,  were  seated  all  the  clerical  members — making 
with  their  aggregate  weight  a  half  a  ton  of  theologians,  if  not 
of  divinity.  Here,  also,  during  the  secular  business,  was  seated 
the  President, — and  supported  by  his  scribes  on  the  right  and  left. 

But  I  was  soon  hurried  from  this  Nice  council,  by  the  stress  of 
worldly  business ;  and  that  accomplished,  it  was  necessary  for  me 
to  return  alone  to  Woodville,  and  by  a  route  then  very  rarely 
taken  by  any  person,  and  never  before  nor  since  by  myself. 

On  my  first  day,  I  was  fortunately  overtaken  by  a  large  com- 
pany, unlike  my  religious  friends,  and  yet  by  no  means  unaccept- 
able comrades  in  the  vast  wilderness  I  had  just  entered.  It  was 
a  Surveyor  and  his  assistants,  going  to  run  some  line,  or  lay  out 
some  road.  In  genuine  Western  style  they  welcomed  me  not 
only  to  ride  with  them,  but  to  participate  in  their  dough-biscuits 
and  jerked  venison.  We  beguiled  the  way,  of  course,  with  anec- 
dote and  story  of  adventures  and  mishaps  till  tired  of  telling  and 
hearing;  and  then,  recreation  came  on  wings,  in  the  shape  of 
horse-flies ! 

The  tame  or  civilized  horse-fly  of  the  Atlantic  States,  is  well 
enough  as  to  size;  and,  when  half  starved,  can  bite  reasonably 
well ; — but  the  ill-bred,  barbarian  horse-fly,  or  rather  flies,  for  the 
sorts  are  countless, — can't  they  bite!  Like  all  hoosiery  and 
woolverine  things,  they  are  regardless  of  dignities ;  and  hence  suck 
blood  from  the  rider  as  well  as  the  horse !  They  even  make  no 
distinction  between  merchants2  and  men!  or  between  the 
"brethren"  and  "the  misters ! !"  Very  probably  they  would  suck 
blood  from  the  President  of  the  United  States! — the  greatest  of 
all  earthly  potentates — (in  breeches,  of  course!)  Ay!  from 
Uncle  Sam,  and  Brother  Jonathan : — although  their  blood  so  much 
excels  that  of  the  Russian  Bear,  or  John  Bull !  Nothing  like  the 
Great-Grand-North-American-Republican  Horse- Fly  !3 — ten  of 
them  can  kill  a  dandy ! 

Now,  a  man  can  endure  a  single  fly:  but  a  cloud  pitching  at 
once  on  him  and  his  horse,  requires  some  patience  and  no  small 

2  Perhaps  they  regard  such  as  shopkeepers. 

3  Except  the  Great-Crrand  Humbugs,  and  otftier  buzzing  fooleries,  of  our 
country. 


SIXTH  YEAR  455 

activity  and  diligence.  The  best  antidote  is  a  duck's  bill.  This, 
however,  is  inconvenient  to  administer,  as  it  requires  a  cessation 
of  motion  and  a  recumbent  posture.  Indeed,  to  be  fully  bene- 
fitted,  one  must  lie  down,  as  we  saw  a  cow  to-day  at  a  squatter's 
cabin,  and  permit,  as  she  did,  six  active  ducks  and  one  drake,  to 
traverse  the  whole  body,  and  gobble  up  and  down  the  flies  at  the 
instant  of  alighting,  and  make  repeated  successful  snaps  at  them 
on  the  wing ! 

The  best  defensive  armour  would  doubtless  be  to  have  one's 
whole  skin  tanned — (leatherwise)  : — and  next,  are  boots  and  leg- 
gins,  as  far  as  they  go:  but  summer  coat  and  inexpressibles  are 
as  good  as — nothing.  Some  advantage  is  found  by  inserting 
tops  of  broken  bushes  into  every  crevice  of  the  horse-trappings ; 
into  the  hat-band  and  button  holes ;  and  at  the  tops  of  boots  and 
leggins:  yet,  with  all  these,  will  be  lots  of  work  both  for  the 
man's  hands  and  the  horse's  tail. 

I  do  wish  Mrs.  Trollope  had  been  with  us  to-day.  If  she  had 
seen  nothing  to  amuse  and  interest  her,  I  am  certain  we  should — 
although  we  had  enough  as  it  was.  To  a  student  of  nature,  how 
interesting  our  appearance — all  bestuck  with  bushes — a  grove  on 
horse-back!  whence  issued  human  hands  slapping  hard,  as  a 
Catholic  self-inflicting  penance !  Then  the  madness  of  a  bushman 
missing  a  fly!  and  his  triumph  and  malicious  joy  in  mashing  one! 
The  horses,  now  stopping  with  one  side  to  stamp  and  bite!  now 
springing  away,  to  rub  off  the  torment  in  the  bushes!  and  then 
their  tails! — it  did  seem  they  would,  sooner  or  later,  switch  and 
swing  loose,  and  fall  off! 

The  grand  exhibition,  however,  was  by  a  poor  brute  of  a  horse, 
with  a  short  tail  and  a  tipsy  rider.  As  to  the  tail,  that  had  been 
partly  amputated  by  some  barbarian — (there  being  a  fashion  in 
horse-tails  as  in  whiskers) — and,  added  to  that  inhumanity,  was 
the  inconsiderate  behaviour  of  a  silly  colt,  into  whose  mouth  the 
tail-stump  had  fallen — the  hair  being  all  eaten  away  by  the  said 
colt,  till  the  denuded  thing  stuck  out  six  inches  only,  like  a 
wooden  article  of  the  same  name,  glued  to  a  toy-horse,  to  show 
which  end  is  not  the  head.  Think ! — to  be  with  such  a  make- 
believe  tail,  in  a  flock  of  horse-flies !  And  the  drunken  rider  had 
arranged  no  grove  of  bush-tops ! ! 


456  SIXTH  YEAR 

Had  the  flies  infested  the  human  beast!  but  these  sagacious 
flocks  knew  what  was  for  their  health,  and,  therefore,  stuck  to  the 
horse ;  thus  causing  the  animal  to  endure  a  thousand  fold  for  the 
sin  of  his  master.  In  vain,  then,  did  he  wag  that  stump  of  a 
naked  tail !  in  vain  halt  to  stamp,  bite,  and  kick !  in  vain  vibrate 
his  hide  and  the  tip  of  the  ears,  till  he  seemed  all  over  like  a 
church  full  of  moving  fans  ! — there  stuck  the  flies !  At  every  halt, 
the  rider  kicked  and  basted ;  but  never  moved  the  horse  away  till 
convinced  halting,  and  biting,  and  kicking  could  not  dislodge  his 
foes,  and  then  he  moved  to  be  sure — but  not  ahead.  He  did  it 
sideways,  till  he  reached  some  tree  or  bush,  along  which  he 
rubbed,  crushing  and  sweeping  off  the  flies ;  and  often,  very 
much  to  our  inward  delight,  barking  the  skin  from  his  vile 
master's  legs! 

At  last,  the  flies,  understanding  the  brevity  of  the  tail,  and 
the  defenceless  state  of  the  nag,  attacked  his  quarters,  head  and 
rear,  covering,  but  not  protecting,  his  entire  flanks !  What  could 
he  do  ?  He  reiterated  his  stamp — bite — vibration ;  he  sidled  against 
trees,  rubbing  and  kicking ;  and  then,  under  the  combined  attacks 
of  whip,  heels  and  flies,  seizing  the  bit  between  his  teeth,  he,  on  a 
sudden,  darted  away  as  if  borne  on  wings  himself !  Pencil  of 
Hogarth!  paint  that  sight!  Set  forth  the  trembling  spice-bushes 
divided,  broken,  crushed,  by  a  tornado  borne  on  horse-heels! 
Draw  that  nag  emerging,  ever  and  anon,  from  thickets  of  thorn 
and  briar! — a  human  leg,  despoiled  of  leggin,  rising  horizontal, 
this  side  now,  now  that,  and  instinctively,  like  the  scales  of 
justice,  keeping  the  equilibrium  of  a  body  recumbent,  with  head 
nodding  and  jerking,  amid  the  dishevelled  and  raggy  mane  of  a 
horse-neck! — hands  therein  clenched!  Depict  the  flocks  of  sur- 
viving flies  hanging  over  in  the  air,  and  waiting  for  the  race  to 
end!  And,  oh!  last,  yet  not  least,  though  so  very  little,  do  that 
tail! 

It  had  played  its  part  before;  now  it  was  worked  with  more 
than  one-horse  power!  It  spun  round  as  on  a  patent  gudgeon! 
It  multiplied  itself — now,  a  dozen  tails — now,  no  tail  at  all! — 
•  nothing  appearing,  save  a  white  circumference,  a  streak  made  by 
the  bone  where  the  article  had  been  amputated !  Its  motion  was 
no  longer  to  switch  away  flies ;  it  was  instinctive,  and  to  steer  by : 


SIXTH  YEAR 


457 


yet  whether  it  failed  as  a  helm,  or  steered  as  was  designed,  on 
our  galloping  up,  there  was  the  fly-bitten  pony,  wallowing  pig-like 
in  a  delicious  stream  of  spring  water;  and  the  rider  wading  out 
about  ankle  deep,  and  dripping !  And  so  ends  about  the  tail. 

The  tender-hearted  will  rejoice  to  know,  however,  that  upon 
this  poetical  justice  administered  by  the  horse,  the  master,  now  a 
cold-water  man  and  sobered,  kept  a  whole  wilderness  of  bushes 
about  both;  and,  that  he  abstained,  that  day  at  least,  from  his 
whiskey  bottle — partly,  I  believe  though,  because  it  was  broken 
in  the  fall. 

Shortly  after  this,  I  left  the  Surveyor's  company,  and,  pursuing 
a  solitary  trace,  reached,  late  in  the  evening,  my  lodging  place; 
where  I  learned  I  had  yet  forty  miles  to  travel  to  reach 
Woodville. 

"Stranjer," — said  my  host — "it's  a  most  powerful  woody  coun- 
try, and  without  no  road,  nor  even  blind  trace  worth  naming — 
it  being,  a  sort  a  kiver'd  with  ole  leaves ;  and  thar's  no  cabin 
nearer  nor  King's — and  that's  more  nor  15  miles.  Howse-er,  I'll 
set  you  over  the  river  afore  sun-up — and  if  you  don't  miss  the 
trace,  then  you  kin  git  to  King's  for  breakfast." 

Almost  devoured  by  flies,  and  then  frightfully  flea-bitten  in  bed, 
my  dreams  were  naturally  fantastic ;  and  I  had  visions  of  howling 
wildernesses,  tangled  thickets,  prowling  panthers,  and  great 
swollen  fiery  serpents.  Woodsmen,  also,  I  knew  had  been  lost 
in  that  unsettled  region ;  and  even  last  summer  two  persons  had 
wandered  about  three  days.  Yet,  I  longed  to  be  on  my  journey, 
and  to  know  the  worst ;  and,  with  a  hope  my  case  would  be  differ- 
ent. Beside,  I  had  a  secret  ambition  to  appear  well  as  a  woods- 
man in  Domore's  and  Ned's  eyes ;  and  I  was  aware  Sylvan  would 
even  think  better  of  me,  if  I  crossed  such  a  wilderness  alone.  It 
was  something  of  a  task  with  such  men. 

Accordingly,  by  early  dawn,  I  was  ferried  over,  the  river,  and 
sat  in  my  saddle,  while  my  host,  standing  in  his  scow  and  ready  to 
pole  back,  thus  issued  his  final  directions: 

"Ride  strate  up-bank  whare  you  be — then  keep  spang  a-head, 
across  the  bottim,  without  no  turn  at  all,  and,  in  a  short  quarter, 
you'll  strike  the  d'sarted  cabin.  It's  burnt  now — but  the  logs  are 
some  on  'em  a-layin'  in  a  heap —  that's  whare  the  poor  squatter 


458  SIXTH  YEAR 

was  murdered  and  skulp'd  in  the  war  time,  by  the  Injins.  Well — 
arter  you  git  thare,  ride  round  to  the  west  ind  of  the  ole  clerein, 
and  you'll  find  the  trace,  sich  as  it  is,  if  ain't  kivered — and,  if  you 
get  once  fair  on  it — I  sort  a  think  you'll  go  safe  enough  to 
King's." 

That  said,  good  byes  were  shouted;  while  the  scow  swung 
from  the  shore,  and  my  noble  creature  ascended  the  bank;  and 
we  began  to  go  a-head  for  the  burnt  cabin.  Some  declination  was, 
indeed,  necessary  to  get  round  unleapable  logs,  impassable  thick- 
ets, and  the  like;  yet,  prior  to  such  deviations,  having  placed 
myself  in  a  line  with  several  objects  before  and  behind,  I  easily 
regained  my  course,  and,  in  a  short  time,  came  to  the  cabin  ruins. 
Here  we  paused  an  instant,  to  contemplate  the  scene — so  like  what 
I  had  pictured  in  reading  border  tales!  But,  haste  and  anxiety 
allowed  only  short  delay,  and  I  rode  quickly  round  to  the  west 
of  the  clearing ;  where,  after  a  narrow  search  along  the  edge  of 
the  forest  I  discerned  the  only  semblance  of  a  trace;  and,  into 
this,  dashing  with  trembling  confidence,  I  was  soon  hid  in  the 
shades  of  a  true  wilderness. 

However  romantic  such  a  wild  may  be  in  print,  my  thoughts 
in  the  wilderness  itself,  were  all  concentrated  on  one  object — 
the  path.  And  long  what  seemed  the  path,  dim  always  and 
sometimes  obliterated,  as  it  led  far  away  into  the  gloom  of  im- 
pervious shades,  now  turning  almost  back  to  skirt  an  impassable 
thicket,  now  tumbling  almost  perpendicularly  into  a  deep  ravine, 
and  now  scaling  its  opposite  side,  then  mounting  a  ridge,  then 
circling  a  pond  of  dark  and  dangerous  looking  water,  and  then 
vanishing  for  a  few  moments  as  of  necessity  it  passed  through 
patches  of  weeds  and  briars — long  time  this  trace  occupied  all  my 
meditations  and  excited  my  intensest  watchings  and  kept  me 
asking  in  a  mental  and  often  an  audible  voice — "I  do  wonder,  if 
this  is  the  way?"  To  which,  as  nobody  else  replied,  I  would 
answer  myself — "Well,  I  guess  it  must  be — if  this  is  not,  I'm 
sure  I  don't  see  any  other!" 

And  then,  as  though  poor  Kate  shared  my  anxiety,  would  I 
say  "Come!  Kate! — cheer  up,  you  shall  soon  have  your  breakfast 
— let's  hurry  on  to  King's!"  When  gaily  tossing  her  fine  head, 
and  shaking  her  flowing  mane,  she  would  with  her  hoofs  redouble 


SIXTH  YEAR  459 

the  echoes ;  and  away,  away,  with  thrilling  hearts,  we  ever  bounded 
onward  and  onward  and  farther  and  farther  into  the  solemn 
grandeur  of  those  primitive  wilds ! 

In  some  two  hours  the  trace,  owing  to  the  nature  of  the  ground, 
became  better  defined  and  less  interrupted;  hence,  waxing  confi- 
dent we  indulged  in  a  colloquy,  self-congratulatory  and  maybe 
self-laudatory,  thus : 

"Well,  we're  safe  after  all,  Kate,  I  do  believe! — wonder  what 
Ned  will  say? — hey?" 

To  this  Kate  switched  an  answer  with  her  magnificent  tail,  and 
evinced  increased  eagerness  to  be  going  ahead ;  and  so  with  a  real 
"hurraw!  my  noble  Kate? — hurraw!"  on  my  part,  and  an  addi- 
tional snort  on  hers,  we  were  streaking  on  at  the  rate  now  of 
seven  miles  to  the  hour !  And  then,  in  about  four  hours  from  the 
burnt  cabin,  we  caught  sight  of  King's  cabin,  crowning  a  mound  on 
the  far  side  of  a  small  stream. 

Advancing  to  bespeak  refreshments,  I  was  met  at  the  door 
by. a  portly  lady,  who  proved  to  be  that  King's  wife;  and  though 
no  queen,  was  large  enough  for  two  queen  patterns  of  the  Vic- 
toria-Albert size. 

"Is  this  Mr.  King's,  ma'am?" 

"Well,  I  allow  so;  but  my  ole  man's  from  home — he's  went  to 
a  rasin  two  miles  off " 

"You  keep  public,  don't  you,  Ma'am  ?" 

"Well,  I  allow  so;  but  King's  tuk  the  bakun  with  him  to  the 
rasin " 

"Ay? — can't  I  get  something  for  my  nag?" 

"Well,  I  allow  so;  jist  go  round  to  yan  crib,  and  git  what 
cawn  you  like." 

This  done,  and  Kate  left  to  enjoy  so  much  corn  as  was  whole- 
some, I  entered  the  cabin  and  our  conversation  was  renewed. 

"Well,  but  Mrs.  King,  ain't  you  got  nothing  at  all  a  hungry 
fellow  can  eat?" 

"Stranjur — I'm  powerful  sorry — but  we're  teetotally  out — he 
tuk  every  bit  of  food  with  him " 

"What's  that—up  there?" 

"Law,  bless  you,  stranjur!  that's  a  piece  of  most  powerful 
rusty  flitch — tain't  fit  for  a  dog  to  eat " 


460  SIXTH  YEAR 

"Oh!  ma'am,  let's  have  it — why  I  can  eat  your  dog  himself — 
I'm  so  hungry." 

"He !  ha ! — well  you  ain't  proud  like  the  Fakilty  bigbugs  across 
thar  at  Wood'ill,  that's  sarten.  How  I  do  wish  King  hadn't  a 
tuk  the  food !  But  you  ain't  in  arnest  about  the  yaller  flitch  are 
you?" 

"To  be  sure! — clap  on  your  skillet,  M'rs.  King!" 

"Well — I  do  sentimentally  wish  it  was  better  like.  Let's  see, 
here's  a  handful  of  meal  in  the  bag  arter  all — and  I'd  a  got  it 
afore,  only  I  allowed  you  was  proud  like.  But  I  see  you're 
none  of  that  'are  sort — 'spose  I  do  the  meal?" 

"Thank  you,  ma'am!  I  know  you  would  give  me  the  best  if 
Mr.  King  hadn't  gone  to  the  raising." 

The  skillet  was  soon  hot;  and  then  received  as  many  slices  as 
could  lie  in  comfort  on  the  bottom.  The  colour  of  the  dainty  had 
been  originally  amber,  the  fat  being  then  semi-transparent,  as  it 
was  mast  fed,  i.  e.  fed  on  acorns  and  beech  nuts.  Time,  however, 
fatal  to  beauty,  had  incrusted  the  flitch  with  an  oxide  of  wonderful 
thickness  and  peculiar  dirt  colour,  and  turned  its  lovely  amber 
transparency  into  a  decided  and  opaque  yellow.  Something  of  the 
kind  I  had  often  seen  in  cot-days ;  when,  on  being  importunate  for 
buckwheat  cakes  in  the  kitchen,  Betty  often  threatened  my  face 
with  "the  griddle-greaser!" 

Mrs.  King  had  shaken  her  bag  into  a  large  wooden  bowl;  and 
the  deposit  was,  one  pint  of  second  chop  meal,  minus  half  a  gill 
something  else,  and  a  few  horse  hairs ;  for,  bags  in  attending  mill 
are  used  as  saddles,  and  pommelled  between  inexpressibles  and 
perspiring  horsebacks.  Water  then  was  poured  into  the  com- 
pound; and  the  lady  after  handling  the  mixture  without  gloves, 
produced  a  handful  of  good  chicken-feed.  Then  the  hissing  flitch 
being  hastily  turned  into  a  pewter  plate  with  a  damaged 
circumference,  the  feed  was  splashed  in,  like  mortar  into 
chinking,  to  be  converted  into  corn  bread.  This  transmigration 
over,  the  bread  was  associated  with  the  flitch  on  the  cloudy  pew- 
ter, Mrs.  King  remarking  that,  "her  man  had  tuk  the  crokry  to 
the  rasin;"  and  then,  after  wiping  each  thumb  on  her  woollen 
petticoat,  she  invited  me  with  the  formula,  "Well — come !  set  up." 

I  was  soon  seated  on  my  rickety  stool  at  the  board,  or  rather 


SIXTH  YEAR  461 

boards  (as  the  table  was  of  two  such  and  a  piece),  and  began  to 
flourish  my  blade, — the  knife  belonging  to  that  irascible  class  that 
had  flown  off  the  handle, — and,  also,  I  began  to  look  for  its 
partner,  the  fork.  But  that  had  flown  off  with  the  handle,  for, 
said  she — "He  tuk  all  thar  knives  and  forks  but  this  poor  bit  of  a 
thing,  and  that  was  left  'cos  it  had  no  handle!" — "but,  Stranjur," 
continued  she,  "jeest  lend  me  that  a  minit,  and  I'll  git  you  a  fork." 

Out,  then,  darted  Mrs.  King;  and  soon  returned  manufactur- 
ing as  she  came  a  fork,  and  saying  thus:  "Thar,  stranjur,  this 
'ere  I  split  off  a  rail,  and  cut  down  a  sort  a  so  to  a  pint,  'ill 
do  for  a  fork  better  nor  your  fingers — albeit,  I'm  powerful  sorry 
for  our  poor  fixins." 

"Thank  you,  ma'am!  all  the  same — you've  a  kind  heart;  and 
that's  meat  and  drink  in  this  world  of  ours,  sometimes." 

Yet  these  and  other  speeches  were  continually  interrupted  by  the 
rapid  ingress  of  lumps  of  flitch  and  balls  of  bread.  I  regret  to 
record,  however,  that  while  I  used  my  fork  to  pin  down  the 
fat  till  its  reduction  to  mouthfuls,  I  was  compelled  to  eat,  like  a 
democrat,  with  my  knife!  I  made,  indeed,  some  amends  to  a 
violated  good-breeding,  by  sopping  my  gravy  with  bread  in  my 
left  hand, — like  a  gentleman  eating  fish  and  other  things,  with  a 
leaky  silver  fork.  Singular !  how  the  extremes  of  refinement  and 
hoosierism  do  meet! 

DIALOGUE  CONTINUED. 

"Well,  I'm  powerful  rite  down  glad  you  kin  eat  sich  like  food ! 
what  mought  your  name  be — if  it's  no  offence !" 

"Carlton,  ma'am,  I  live  in  Woodville — 

"Well — that's  what  I  suspish'nd.  Ned  Stanley  was  out  here 
last  winter  a  huntin,  and  I  heerd  him  tell  on  you — as  how  you 
was  a  powerful  clever  feller — albeit  a  leetle  of  a  big-bug.  But 
I'll  take  your  part  arter  this — and  King  shill  too." 

"Oh!  Mrs.  King  if  we  were  all  better  acquainted  with  one 
another,  we'd  all  think  better  of  our  friends  and  neighbours.  But 
I  must  be  off — what's  the  damage  ?" 

"Bless  me!  Mr.  Carltin,  I  don't  take  nuthin  for  sich  a  meal! 
Put  up  that  puss,  if  you  want  to  be  friends — I'm  powerful  sorry 


462  SIXTH  YEAR 

King's  away — call  here  next  time,  sir,  and  I  allow,  you'll  git 
somethin  good  enough  for  a  white  man." 

"Thank  you!  Mrs.  King,  thank  you.  Well — please  give  me 
directions — I'm  not  much  of  a  woodsman." 

"Well,  you're  comin  on.  Howsever  you've  kim  the  wust  ind  of 
the  trace,  and  wont  find  no  diffikilty  till  about  fifteen  miles  on  at 
the  next  settlement,  Ike  Chuff's — whare  you  mought  foller  a  cow 
path — and  so  you'd  better  stop  thar  and  axe." 

In  due  time,  and  after  a  hard  ride  of  thirty  miles  from  the 
burnt  cabin,  we  came  in  sight  of  Ike  Chuff's  clearing.  As  the 
trace  ran  plain  and  broad  round  the  fence  and  across  a  small 
ravine,  I  was  unwilling  to  waste  time  with  needless  inquiries,  and, 
therefore,  followed  the  line  of  path  with  undiminished  confidence. 

The  trace,  indeed,  narrowed — it  once  or  twice  vanished — all 
that  was  no  novelty ;  but  at  last  we  seemed  to  reach  the  vanishing 
point,  for  now,  after  the  last  vanish,  the  path  never  re-appeared ! 
In  place  of  the  one,  however,  were  seen  four !  and  those  running 
in  as  many  different  directions  and  evidently,  like  Gay's  road — to 
no  places  at  all !  And  so,  for  the  neglect  of  inquiring,  Kate  and  I 
had  been  judiciously  following  a  cow-path! 

"Why  not  steer  by  the  sun?" 

That  is  easy  enough,  my  friend,  in  a  country  where  there  is  a 
sun.  I  had,  indeed,  seen  little  of  that  "Great  Shine"  all  day ;  and 
for  the  last  two  hours  nothing,  a  rain  having  then  commenced 
which  lasted  till  our  reaching  Woodville. 

"What  did  you  do  then?" 

Trusted  to  Kate  to  find  the  way  back  to  Chuff's; — as  we  had 
hardly  gone  two  miles  astray — and  that  she  did  in  fifteen  minutes. 

"What  then?" 

You  shall  hear  for  yourself — "Hilloo!  the  house!" 

"Well— hilloo !  what's  wantin!" 

"The  trace  to  Woodville — I  missed  it  just  now." 

"Sorter  allowed  so,  when  I  seed  you  take  the  cow-path  to  the 
licks — 

"Well,  my  friend,  why  didn't  you  hollow  to  me?" 

"  'Cos  I  allowed  you  mought  a  ax'd  if  you  ain't  a  woodsman — 
and  if  you  be,  you  know'd  the  way  to  the  licks  as  well  as  me." 

"Thank  you,  sir ;  will  you  show  me  now  ?" 


SIXTH  YEAR  463 

"Take  the  path  tother  ind  of  the  fence." 

Neighbour  Chuff's  settlement  differs,  you  see,  in  suavity  from 
King's.  Still,  the  Hoosier's  direction  was  right;  and  with  noth- 
ing more  romantic  than  our  feed  in  the  morning,  we  arrived  pretty 
much  used  up  to  a  late  dinner  in  the  evening  at  Woodville — hav- 
ing done  more  than  forty  wilderness  miles  in  about  twelve  hours ! 
For  the  whole,  however,  I  was  rewarded,  when  Dr.  Sylvan  that 
night  called  at  our  house  and  said  with  an  approving  smile : 

"Pretty  well  done !  pretty  well  done!  After  this  I  think  we  may 
dubb  you  a  backwoodsman." 


CHAPTER  LVII. 
"Ha !  ha !  ha !    D'ye  think  I  did  not  know  you,  Ha  " 

DR.  SYLVAN'S  visit  was  to  announce  the  favourable  reply  of 
Dr.  Bloduplex  to  the  letter  of  the  committee.  But  the  people  were 
in  a  new  tumult ;  and  a  petition  to  the  next  Assembly  was  circu- 
lating for  signatures,  praying  that  the  Trustees  be  ordered  to 
expel  either  Clarence  or  Harwood,  or  both ;  and  that  while  Bio- 
duplex  should  be  elected  as  President,  the  professors  should  be 
taken  each  out  of  different  sects.  For,  reader,  the  two  existing 
members  of  the  Faculty  were  both  Rats ;  and  Dr.  Bloduplex  was 
of  the  same  denomination !  This,  however,  was  then1  the  natural 
result  of  circumstances — that  sect  being  twenty-five  years  since 
pre-eminent  in  learning,  talent  and  enterprise.  And  this  I  am 
bound  as  a  true  historian  to  declare,  although  Dr.  Bloduplex  and 
myself  do  not  belong  to  the  same  sect ! — an  impartiality  to  be  re- 
membered to  my  credit  hereafter. 

I  perceive  we  have  thoughtlessly  given  a  clue  to  the  sect  meant. 
For  when  it  is  found  by  the  reader  what  sect  twenty-five  years 
ago,  was  pre-eminent  in  the  respects  named,  my  secret  so  nicely 
kept  is  out — he  has  discovered  the  Rats !  But  if  such  sect  cannot 
be  found,  then  among  the  fictitious  things  of  this  book  will,  I 

1  Learning  and  talents  now  are  not  necessary  in  teachers ;  for  there  are 
many  first-rate  teachers  without.  Owing  to  the  improved  era. 


464  SIXTH  YEAR 

fear,    be    placed    our    worthy    President,    the    Rev.    Constant 
Bloduplex. 

In  this  emergency,  it  occurred,  that  another  petition  in  aid  ap- 
parently of  the  other,  and  yet  subversive,  by  reducing  its  princi- 
ples to  an  absurdity,  should  be  sent  to  the  Legislature,  as  the 
proper  way  for  "Hoosier  to  fight  Hoosier."  Something  must  be 
done,  because  our  magnates  at  the  Capitol  would  certainly  essay 
something  disastrous  to  the  college.  Hence,  the  suggestion  meet- 
ing Dr.  Sylvan's  approbation,  the  framing  of  said  petition  was 
committed  to  Mr.  Carlton ;  when,  in  a  few  days  the  following 
able  paper — (hem) — was  submitted,  corrected,  approved,  and 
adopted  by  our  friends : 

"To  the  Honorable  the  Representatives  of in  General  Assem- 
bly convened  at  Timberopolis,  this  petition  of  the  People  of 
Woodville  and  the  New  Purchase  generally,  is  respectfully 
submitted: — 

"First,  that  the  existing  Faculty  of  our  College  be  requested 
to  resign  before  the  election  of  a  President,  that  all  denominations 
may  have  a  fair  and  equal  chance  for  places : 

"Secondly,  that,  there  being  nine  religious  sects  in  our  state, 
and  three  of  philosophers,  viz : — the  Deistical,  the  Atheistical,  and 
the  Fanny-wright-dale-owen-istical, — three  members  of  Faculty 
be  annually  elected  out  of  each  and  every  of  these  twelve  sects 
and  bodies — each  set  of  three  to  serve  one  month,  till  the  year 
ends,  and  then  to  recommence  with  other  sets  of  three,  and  so  on 
till  the  end  of  time. 

"Among  many  unanswerable  reasons  for  this  petition,  we  urge 
only  four: — 

"i.  It  is  the  true  Anti-federal  Democratical  and  Pure  Republi- 
can course,  founded  on  rotation :  for  it  is  useless  to  assert  that 
all  have  a  right  to  become  Professors,  unless  it  can  be  shown  pos- 
sible and  practicable : 

"2.  It  will  promote  learning:  for,  when  manifest  that  every 
body,  in  turn,  can  be  Professor,  every  body  will  go  to  studying 
to  get  enough  to  last  him  at  least  a  month : 

"3.  It  is  said,  confidently,  by  some  sectarian  leaders,  that  if  they 
were  in,  their  sects  would  each  send  one  hundred  students  to 
College!  Hence,  all  sects  doing  the  same — as  all  will  when  one 


SIXTH  YEAR  465 

does — our  College  flourishes  at  once  with  twelve  hundred 
students ! ! 

"4.  The  amazing  cheapness  of  the  plan.  It  will  cost  nothing, 
except  travelling  expenses !  Your  petitioners  have  been  repeatedly 
informed,  that  no  Democratical  Republican  and  patriotic  Citizen 
will  charge  a  dollar  for  his  one  month's  professional  services! — 
but  that  all  will  serve  for  the  honour !  and  hence  our  Transmon- 
tane  Commonwealth  shall  show  to  the  Whole  Admiring  World, 
the  noble  sight  of  the  Greatest,  Most  Wonderful,  Most  Powerful 
Free  School  System  in  the  Universe ! ! ! ! 

"This  petition,  and  reasons,  are  respectfully  submitted,  and 
your  petitioners — all,  at  least,  that  acknowledge  a  Supreme  Being 
— will  ever  pray,"  &c. 

This  petition  was  copied  by  James  Sylvan,  the  Doctor's  nephew ; 
who,  being  a  talented  young  man,  the  paper  was  generally  attri- 
buted to  him.  When  circulated,  it  soon  had  the  proper  number  of 
signatures — a  few  signing  with  a  full  understanding  of  its  nature, 
and  not  a  few  believing  it  auxiliary  to  the  other,  and  already 
signed  by  them!  These  latter  thought,  if  one  petition  would  do 
good,  two  would  do  more. 

Sorry  am  I  to  say,  both  Ned  and  Domore  signed  both  papers ! 
Yet,  afterwards,  Ned  insisted,  with  the  most  awful  "busts  of  his 
rifle !"  that  he  had  signed  the  first  only  to  please  his  neighbours ! 
and  then  ours,  to  counteract  the  other's  evil  tendency ! !  Ned  had 
a  little  of  the  Falstaff  in  him — and  Shakespeare  drew  from  life. 

Well,  the  petition  was  forwarded  about  Christmas :  and  a  wag- 
gish member,  who  affected  to  be  a  very  Adams  in  defence  of  the 
right  of  petition,  contrived  to  present  our  paper  before  the  ap- 
pearance of  its  enemy.  And  the  effect,  they  say,  was  such  on  the 
risibles  of  our  "grave  and  reverend  seigniors,"  that  Insidias  Cut- 
swell,  Esq.,  who  had  charge  of  the  other  paper,  did  himself  join 
heartily  in  the  laugh, — (he  always  laughed  if  the  majority  in- 
dulged)— and  never  took  the  true  people's-people's  petition  from 
his  pocket!  In -justice  must  it  be  said,  that,  while  that  petition 
had  been  drawn  up  by  himself  ad  hoosierandum,  he  was  secretly 
glad  to  have  it  defeated.  Still,  he  condoled  with  the  signers,  by 
lamenting  and  condemning  "the  unhappy  state  of  indecorum  at  the 


466  SIXTH  YEAR 

time  too  prevalent  in  the  House,  which  rendered  it  unadvisable  to 
submit  grave  and  important  matters  to  their  consideration!" 


CHAPTER  LVIII. 

"In  vain,  alas !  in  vain,  ye  gallant  few ! 

From  rank  to  rank  your  vollied  thunder  flew !" 

Campbell. 
" never  did  I  hear 

Such  gallant  chiding,  for,  besides  the  groves, 

The  skies,  the  fountains,  every  region  near 

Seem'd  all  one  mutual  cry!" 

THIS  autumn  was  remarkable  for  wild  pigeons.  The  mast  had 
failed  elsewhere ;  while  with  us,  the  oak,  the  beech,  and  all  other 
nut  trees,  had  never  borne  more  abundant  crops.  The  woods, 
therefore,  teemed  with  hogs,  squirrels,  and  all  other  nut-crackers, 
that,  like  the  primitive  men  of  poetry,  preferred  this  acorn-life. 

How  many  swine  were  slaughtered  this  fall,  I  never  learned: 
but,  within  six  weeks,  our  upper  and  lower  regiments  of  hunters, 
and  simply  by  shooting  occasionally  around  their  clearings,  on 
counting,  at  the  muster,  their  squirrel  scalps,  found  the  sum 
more  than  30,000 ! ! 

As  to  pigeons,  the  first  large  flocks,  attracted  no  unusual  notice : 
and,  yet,  were  they  mere  scouting  parties  from  the  grand  army! 
For,  within  a  week,  that  army  began  to  arrive,  as  though  flocks 
had  never  before  been  seen!  and  all  the  birds  under  the  whole 
heavens  had  been  congregated  into  one  company !  Had  the  leaves 
of  our  trees  all  been  changed  into  birds,  the  number  could  have 
been  no  greater ! 

With  a  friend,  I  stood  in  an  open  space  in  the  woods,  two  miles 
east  of  Woodville,  from  10  o'clock  A.  M.  to  3  o'clock  P.  M. — 
five  hours — during  which,  with  scarcely  thirty  seconds  inter- 
mission, a  stream  of  pigeons,  about  two  hundred  yards  wide,  and 
averaging  two  layers,  flowed  above  us,  and  with  the  rapidity  of 
thought !  It  was  an  endless  hurricane  on  wings,  rushing  innoxious, 
yet  with  such  an  uproar  as  seemed  to  be  prostrating  the  forests : 
and  the  deep  reverberating  thunder,  in  the  distant  wilds,  seemed 


SIXTH  YEAR  467 

to  announce  the  fall  of  their  ponderous  and  ancient  trees !  Never 
had  I  felt  the  awe  and  solemnity  of  sound  thus ;  even  in  beholding 
the  wind-tempest  pass  over  the  same  wilds,  blowing  the  submissive 
woods,  and  bearing  onward  their  wide  tops,  as  if  mown  off  with 
an  angel's  scythe  I1 

It  will  readily  be  thought,  our  hunters  and  sportsmen  were  in 
all  places  firing  away  at  the  living  torrent :  and  yet,  with  but  small 
loss  to  the  pigeons.  Rifles  are  useless  in  firing  at  very  distant  and 
flying  troops ;  and  we  had  not  more  than  a  dozen  Leather-stock- 
ings in  the  Purchase,  able  to  single  out  and  kill  a  bird  at  a  time. 

"Why  not  use  shot-guns?"  What  a  question!  "Well — but 
why?"  Why,  first  and  foremost,  that  toy  could  not  be  found  in 
twenty  houses  in  the  whole  Purchase.  Secondly,  our  men  could 
hardly  be  coaxed  to  use  the  thing,  both  out  of  contempt,  and, 
what  may  seem  strange,  out  of  a  little  fear ;  for,  as  Ned  said,  "the 
spiteful  critter  kick'd  so  powerful."  Beside,  it  is  unfavourable  to 
rifle-shooting  to  acquire  the  dodge  taught  by  a  shot-gun.  But, 
lastly,  the  pigeons  usually  flew  twenty  yards  above  our  trees — and 
that  rendered  the  Mantons,  or  any  best  shot-guns,  as  efficacious 
nearly  as — a  quill  and  a  spice  of  potato. 

However,  all  the  shot-guns  and  horse-pistols  were  sought  and 
fixed,  so  feverish  became  the  excitement,  and  since  there  were 
half-cut  backwoodsmen  enough,  and  some  degenerate  natives  to 
use  them.  But  here  was  the  next  difficulty;  powder  was  plenty, 
— yet,  who  had  shot?  In  our  store  was  not  a  pound;  and  it  was 
the  same  almost  in  the  others.  Still,  a  few  pounds  were  ferretted 
from  lurking  places,  and  readily  sold  at  thirty-seven  and  half  cents 
for  a  scant  pound : — whence  was  proved,  that  a  pound  of  lead  in 
shot-shape,  is  not  even  as  heavy  as  a  pound  of  feathers ! — the  air- 
pump  to  the  contrary  notwithstanding. 

With  immense  persuasion,  Ned  and  Domore  consented  to  shoot 
horse-pistols  :  but  they  both  utterly  refused  to  fire  off  "store-shot." 
And,  like  some  others,  they  hammered  bullets  into  bars;  which 
were  then  cut  into  cubes  and  triangles,  this  being  "a  sort  a-shootin 

1  There  was  a  place  about  eight  miles  east  of  Bloomington  which  was 
known  for  many  years  as  the  "Hurricane,"  a  region  of  considerable  size, 
consisting  of  wild  undergrowth  and  second  growth  where  the  great  trees 
of  the  primitive  forests  had  been  leveled  with  the  wind. 


468  SIXTH  YEAR 

bullets,  and  no  inkuridjment  to  store-keepers  to  bring  out  their 
blasted  baby  shot !" 

In  justice  to  my  own  manhood,  it  must  be  told,  I  stooped  not 
to  the  shot  concern  till  aiter  several  days'  failure  in  hitting  with 
my  rifle,  a  single  bird,  at  140  yards,  and  moving  as  near  like  "the 
greased  lightning"  as  possible:  nor  then,  before  the  following 
accident  showed  there  may  be  danger  in  firing  a  rifle  as  well  as  a 
shot-gun.  Satisfied  that  the  rifle  must  be  fired  now  by  the  doc- 
trine of  chances,  and  not  of  "the  sights ;"  and  that  the  chance  with 
one  bullet  was  a  "slim  chance,"  it  seemed  better  to  multiply  chances, 
and  load  with  two  balls  instead  of  one.  And  yet  the  spaces  be- 
tween the  flying  birds  were  as  plentiful  as  birds;  and,  into  these 
spaces  the  two  balls  chanced  to  go  when  they  parted  company,  or, 
if  they  stuck  together,  it  was,  after  all,  but  one  chance.  There- 
fore, we  at  last  ventured  on  patching  the  balls  separately;  and 
then,  indeed,  the  effect  was  considerably  different;  not,  however, 
upon  the  pigeons,  but  at  my  end  of  the  gun :  for,  at  the  flash,  I 
was  suddenly  driven  partly  around,  and  with  a  tingling  in  the 
fingers  supporting  the  barrel,  while  about  me,  for  several  yards, 
lay  the  silver  mounting  and  ornaments  of  my  rifle ! 

"What  was  the  matter?" 

The  piece  had  burst;  and  the  stock  was  shattered  up  to  the 
spot  sustained  by  my  left  hand !  and,  yet  had  I  received  no  material 
injury!  On  the  same  day,  and  from  the  same  cause, — (air  inter- 
cepted between  the  patched  balls) — another  rifle  burst;  and,  al- 
though the  owner  remained  with  its  butt  only  in  his  hand,  he  too 
was  unharmed  midst  the  scattered  fragments  of  wood  and  iron. 
Ned's  remark  about  the  accidents,  was  paradoxical,  for  he  "Bust 
his  rifle,  if  he  allowed  a  rifle  would  a-busted  no  how!" 

After  this,  I  descended  to  the  shot-gun.  But,  while  I  took  my 
station  in  the  opening  already  named,  and,  furnished  with  two 
and  a  half  theoretic  pounds  of  different  sized  shot,  fired  away  till 
all  was  expended.  I  was  rewarded  with  only  two  pigeons — these 
being  from  a  small  cloud  that,  by  some  accident,  flew  a  few  yards 
below  the  tree-tops,  and  both  killed  at  one  fire. 

One  evening,  shortly  after  sunset,  Ned  Stanley  brought  a  re- 
port into  the  village,  that  the  pigeons  were  forming  an  encamp- 
ment for  the  night  somewhere  to  the  south-east.  And,  not  long 


SIXTH  YEAR  469 

after,  this  was  confirmed  by  Domore,  who  had  surprised  an  out- 
post, nestling  in  the  woods  within  a  mile  and  a  half  of  Woodville. 

Had  a  scout  brought  intelligence  of  a  hostile  Indian  band,  our 
town  could  not  have  been  more  effectually  roused  and  speedily 
armed.  And  now,  verily,  shot-guns  and  shot  rose  a  thousand 
per  cent. — like  caterpillars'  eggs  in  the  mulberry  fever ;  and  every 
where  some  body  met  any  body  and  every  body,  legs  and  all,  full 
tilt  in  search  of  the  article!  Turkeys,  sang,  coon-skins,  ven's'n- 
hams,  and  even  cash  (hoarded  to  buy  land!) — were  offered  for 
guns,  pistols,  and  shot ! — and,  all  round,  could  be  seen  and  heard 
men  and  boys  hammering,  rolling,  and  cutting  shot !  Indeed,  many 
intended  to  fire  this  extemporaneous  shot  out  .of — rifles!  And 
when  hunters,  or  even  semi-hunters,  can  so  demean  these — the 
temptation  and  excitement  must  be  prodigious ! 

Some  could  not  procure  even  rifles ;  and  these  persons,  by  the 
aid  of  Vulcanus  Allheart  and  his  boys,  had  old  pistol  and  gun 
barrels  hastily  mounted  on  rude  stocks,  to  be  fired  in  partnership, 
one  holding  the  matchlock,  and  the  other  "touching  her  off"  with 
an  ignited  stick  or  cigar. 

"What  was  all  this  stir  about?"  Why,  for  a  night  attack  on 
the  Grand  Roosting  Encampment!  For,  since  the  Purchase  be- 
came a  purchase,  never,  in  the  memory  of  our  oldest  and  most 
respectable  squatters,  had  such  an  occurrence  happened,  as  for 
the  pigeons  to  roost  so  near  Woodville!  Now,  some  had  read  in 
Ornithology,  and  others  had  been  told  by  people  from  Ken- 
tucky— oh!  such  wonders  about  roosts  and  encampments!  how 
pigeons  covered  all  the  branches ;  and  then  perched  on  one  another, 
till  the  trees  became  living  pyramids  of  feathers !  And  how,  then, 
all  tumbled  down  and  killed  themselves,  till  the  ground  was  cov- 
ered with  dead  pigeons,  oh!  as  much  as  two  feet! — like  quails 
round  the  Israelitish  camp!  Yes!  and  the  pigeons  slept  so 
sound,  and  were  so  averse  to  flying  in  the  dark,  that  you  could 
walk  up  and  gather  birds  from  trees  like  wild-plums  in  a  prairie ! 
Ay!  and  the  farmers  used  to  camp  near  a  roost,  with  droves  of 
hogs;  which  (after  the  farmers  had  barrelled  up  enough  birds  for 
winter),  were  driven  in  every  morning  to  be  fattened  on  dead 
pigeons ! 

"Did   you  believe  all  that,  Mr.  Carlton?" 


SIXTH  YEAR 

Well — I  was  but  mortal — beside,  every  body  said  it  would  be 
such  a  most  mighty  powerful  smart  chance  to  get  such  a  heap  of 
pigeons !  I  did  not,  indeed,  go  as  far  as  some ;  for  I  never  ex- 
pected to  find  them  two  feet  high,  already  dead,  and,  maybe,  picked 
and  ready  for  the  skillet.  Beside,  I  wanted  to  go,  and  "who 
knows,"  says  I  to  myself,  "if  there  mightn't  be  some  truth  in  the 
account  after  all."  Hence,  after  five  minutes  cogitation,  I  hurried 
down  after  Clarence  and  Harwood — but,  mark  it,  reader,  I  was 
met  by  those  learned  gentlemen,  hastening  up  to  Carlton's  store, 
to  consult  on  the  same  subject!  For  these  persons,  living  in  the 
edge  of  the  forest,  knew  well  enough  that  the  pigeons  were  camp- 
ing, from  the  thunderings,  like  the  deep  and  solemn  mutter  of  an 
earthquake  (although  the  nearest  point  of  the  camp  proved 
nearly  three  miles  distant),  and  hence,  quite  as  excited  and  credu- 
lous as  we  small  fry,  they  were  posting  up  town  to  join  a  party: 

"Which  way  ?    Which  way  ?  neighbours !" 

"Coming  up  to  your  store, — are  you  going  down  to  College  ?" 

"I  was — did  you  hear  what  Domore  and  Ned  say  ?" 

"No — but,  hark !  don't  you  hear  them  ?" 

"What !— is  that  the  pigeons  ?" 

"To  be  sure ! — Carlton,  won't  you  go  ?" 

"That's  what  I  was  coming  down  for " 

"That's  your  sort — agreed.      Going  to  take  a  gun?" 

"No — guess  not :  all  Woodville  is  out  with  guns — pistols — rifles 
— match-locks — and  big  keys,  with  touch-holes  filed  in — let's  only 
take  things  to  carry  back  birds  in." 

"Agreed — they  say  you  can  pick  a  barrel  under  a  tree — what 
shall  we  take  ?" 

"Bags?" 

"Yes — and  a  long  string  to  tie  them  by  the  legs,  and  carry  back 
on  a  pole !" 

"Ready  now,  Carlton?" 

"Yes — yes — yes !  let's  keep  on." 

"Well,  stop  at  my  house,"  said  Clarence,  "and  there  we'll  fix  a 
bag  and  some  twine,  and  so  lose  no  time." 

All  was  done  quick  as  a  squirrel's  jump.  Then  guided  by  the 
sound,  we  put  out,  regardless  of  a  course,  and  unable  to  discern 
objects  dubious  in  the  dim  light  of  a  waning  moon,  and  partly 


SIXTH  YEAR  471 

obscured  by  clouds.  We  were  in  Indian  file, — now  trotting,  now 
running,  and  occasionally  walking, — here  stumbling  over  logs — 
there  scrambling  up  and  down  gullies — then  diving  into  sink-holes 
—then  ripping  through  briar  swamps!  The  conversation  was 
monosyllabic  and  suggestive,  performed  with  no  little  blowing  and 
palpitation,  and  broken  abruptly  by  exclamation,  thus : — 

"Hark!" 

"Ye-e-s!" 

"Like — ooh ! — thun-der ! — hey !" 

"Ve-ry!  Got— bag?" 

"Ooh ! — yes !    You — ooh ! — got — string  ?" 

"Oho!  ouch! — no!  he's  got  it — ooh!" 

"What  now?  oho!  ouch! — bad  briars  here!"  &c.  &c. 

In  about  two  miles,  even  this  laconic  dialect  was  difficult  to 
use,  being  lost  in  the  roar  of  pigeon-thunder — mingling  with 
which  was  heard,  however,  the  artillery,  the  outcries  and  shouts 
of  our  gallant  village  troops ! 

"Yes !  hark ! — they're  pelting  away !  Come !  come  on!  Get  that 
bag  ready — pull  out  those  strings — hurraw!" 

And  yet  it  was  curious — we  had  come  to  no  outposts! — had 
caught  no  drowsy  sentinel  pigeons  on  their  roosts !  What  on  earth 
made  the  thunder  so  late  at  night  ?  How  could  pigeons,  packed  on 
one  another,  and  with  heads  comfortably  stuck  under  wings,  keep 
up  such  an  awful  noise?  Was  it  snoring?  Ay!  maybe  it  was  the 
noise  of  pigeons  tumbling  down,  and  trees  breaking — 

Hark !  a  storm  rushes  this  way !  How  sudden  the  moon  is  hid ! 
Is  that  a  cloud?  Yes,  reader,  it  was  a  storm — but  of  pigeons 
rushing  on  countless  wings!  It  was  a  cloud — but  of  careering 
and  feathered  squadrons !  The  moon  was  hid — and  by  a  world 
of  startled  birds  !2 

In  vain  our  search  that  night  for  pigeon  bearing  trees !  In  vain 
our  bag  and  three  strings !  We  might  have  filled  a  bolster  with 

2  The  editor  remembers  seeing  in  his  childhood  similar  flocks  of  wild 
pigeons  flying  in  vast  masses  over  the  forest  trees,  near  Bloomington, 
armies  of  them  that  darkened  the  sky,  flying  north  in  the  morning  to 
their  feeding  grounds  and  back  in  the  evening  to  their  "Grand  Roosting 
Encampment."  There  was  such  a  roosting  place  in  the  Ketchem  neigh- 
borhood, ten  miles  south  of  Bloomington. 


472  SIXTH  YEAR 

feathers ;  but  no  bird  living  or  dead  burdened  either  our  sack  or 
lines !  The  myriad  hosts  for  miles  and  miles  were  on  their  wings ! 
and  guns  were  flashing  away  in  hopeless  vengeance  and  idle 
wrath!  Neither  shot  nor  ball  could  reach  that  world  of  wild 
fowl  safe  mid  the  free  air  of  Heaven!  Pitiful  our  bag  and 
string! — pitiful  our  very  selves!  and  all  Woodville  gazing  from 
the  dark  depths  of  the  woods  upward  on  that  boundless  canopy  of 
sounding,  black,  and  rushing  pinions ! 

To  remain  was  worse  than  useless — it  was  hazardous ;  at  every 
flash  of  gunpowder,  showers  of  shot  foreign  and  domestic  fell 
like  hail  on  the  leaves  around  us — and  we  fancied  rifles  cracked 
as  if  speeding  balls,  and  that  we  heard  the  peculiar  whistling  of 
their  death  dealing  music !  And  we  turned  to  go  home.  But  the 
way  thither  had  now  become  a  question.  That  we  were  about 
three  miles  distant  was  probable ;  yet  after  turnings  and  windings 
in  the  dark,  our  puzzle  was  no  wonder.  Besides  the  moon,  as  if 
unable  to  penetrate  the  cloud  of  wings,  had  never  re-appeared; 
and  clouds  of  another  kind  had  succeeded,  whence  heavy  and  fre- 
quent Tain-drops  now  pattered  on  us ! 

At  last  we  decided  our  course  by  instinct;  in  which  we  satis- 
factorily learned  that  human  instinct  is  inferior  to  brute:  for 
after  a  trot  of  ten  minutes,  sudden  torchlights  crossed  our  way  at 
right  angles,  and  a  voice  from  one  carrier  thus  hailed 

"Hilloo !  whar're  you  a  travellin  ?" 

"To  Woodville— whose  that?" 

"To  Woodville! — bust  my  rifle  if  you  ain't  a  goin  a  powerful 
strate  course  on  it " 

"Why  Ned,  is  that  you?" 

"That's  the  very  feller;  why  Mr.  Carltin  if  you  keep  that  course, 
you'll  reach  the  licks  about  sun-up! — why  this  here's  the  way — 
f  oiler  our  trail." 

"Ha!  ha!  Ned,  I  thought  I  was  a  better  woodsman — keep 
a-head,  we'll  follow." 

"Well,  you're  puttee  smart  in  the  day-light,  Mr.  Carltin — but 
it's  raythur  more  hardish  to  strike  the  course  of  a  dark  night." 

"Where's  Domore,  Ned?" 

"Foller'd  arter  the  d pigins " 

"Don't  swear,  Ned,  the  preacher's  here.    Did  you  get  any  ?" 


SIXTH  YEAR  473 

"Git  any !  Nobody  didn't  git  none.  Bust  my  rifle  if  this  ain't  a 
judjmint  on  the  settlemint  for  firing  shot  guns  and  shot  out  a 
rifles !" 

"I  think  myself,  Ned,  shot  guns  had  something  to  do  in 
scaring  the  birds  so.  But  how  far  yet  to  Woodville  ?" 

"Well,  I  can't  jist  about  say  sartinly — it  taint  more  nor  four 
miles  no  how — 'spose  we  a  sorter  stop  talking — it  hinders  runnin ; 
and  here  goes  for  a  fresh  start." 

And  start  fresh  did  Ned  and  his  party,  and  at  a  rate  extremely 
prejudicial  to  easy  conversation,  and  giving  us  genteel  folks  work 
enough  to  keep  in  sight  of  the  torches.  In  little  more  than  an 
hour,  however,  we  stood  in  the  edge  of  the  clearings;  when  our 
course  being  pointed  out  by  Ned,  the  parties  separated,  and  I 
went  with  Harwood  and  Clarence  to  take  supper  at  the  house  of 
the  latter, — a  supper  ready  to  greet  our  arrival  with  a  bag  and 

string  of  pigeons ! 

****** 

I  acknowledge  it — this  is  a  very  tame  and  spiritless  end  of  our 
pigeon  tale — a  very  bad  dove-tailing!  Yet  is  it  as  natural  as  our 
flat  and  unprofitable  feelings,  when  we  sat  down  about  twelve 
o'clock  that  night  at  Clarence's  to  an  overdone,  burnt  up,  taste- 
less supper — our  poetry  and  romance  all  flown  away  with  the 
pigeons,  and  washed  out  by  the  rain!  However,  we  may  add, 
that  many  followed  the  pigeons  all  night ;  and  once  or  twice  small 
flocks  were  found  settled  on  trees  where  about  one  hundred  in  all 
were  killed — but  the  grand  body  was  never  overtaken.  It  con- 
tinued, perhaps,  on  the  wing  till  a  favourite  roosting  place  some 
hundred  miles  south  was  reached,  that  being  their  direction. 
Domore  got  back  at  eight  o'clock  next  morning,  having  done 
twenty-five  miles  and  obtained  twenty-two  pigeons,  with  his  hand, 
however,  much  injured  by  the  recoil  or  bursting  of  his  horse  pistol. 
Hence  shot  guns  were  in  worse  odour  than  ever  and  no  light 
curses  heaped  on  "all  sich  spiteful  bird  skerers  and  them  what 
made  and  shot  em !" 

Domore,  indeed,  soon  recovered :  when  his  first  rifle-shot  after- 
ward was  so  melancholy  in  its  consequence,  as  to  make  him 
abstain  from  his  favourite  weapon  and  hunting  for  many  months. 
With  that  account  we  conclude  this  chapter. 


474  SIXTH  YEAR 

He  went  out  several  hours  before  day-break  and  lay  in  wait 
at  a  salt-lick  for  a  deer.  Here  he  waited  patiently  till  the  dawn ; 
and  then  opposite  his  station  his  keen  eyes  discovered  in  the 
bushes  the  cautious  approach  of  an  animal,  and  soon  he  caught 
a  glimpse  of  its  body.  To  flash  his  eye  through  the  sights  and  to 
touch  the  trigger  was  instinctive — and  then  came  the  cry  not  of  a 
wounded  deer  or  bear,  but  of  human  agony !  Domore  flew  to  the 
spot ;  and  what  was  his  horror  there  to  see  bleeding  on  the  ground 
and  apparently  dying,  poor  Jesse  Hardy,  his  intimate  friend,  and 
the  honest  fellow  who  had  been  with  us  in  the  cave ! 

He,  too,  had  come  to  watch  the  lick ;  and  had  Domore  been 
later  than  Hardy,  their  fates,  perhaps,  had  been  reversed !  Gen- 
erally great  precaution  is  employed  by  our  hunters  to  prevent 
such  mishaps,  yet  sometimes  with  all,  they  do  occur.  Happily  in 
the  present  case  the  wound,  though  severe,  was  not  mortal,  and 
Hardy  in  a  few  minutes  so  recovered  as  to  speak ;  when  Domore, 
after  doing  what  seemed  proper,  left  his  friend  for  fifteen  minutes, 
and  then  was  again  on  the  spot  with  the  assistance  of  a  neighbour- 
ing family.  The  wounded  man  was  carefully  removed  to  the 
cabin;  and  Domore  mounting  a  horse  darted  away  full  speed 
for  Dr.  Sylvan.  The  Doctor  came;  and  being  a  skilful  surgeon, 
as  he  had  in  that  capacity  served  in  the  war  a  regiment  of  mounted 
riflemen,  he  used  the  best  means  of  cure ;  and  in  two  months,  by 
the  divine  favour,  poor  Jess  was  able  to  return  to  his  domestic 
duties.  During  this  confinement  Domore  did  all  he  could  for  his 
friend,  and  also  for  the  widow-mother,  supplying  as  far  as  possi- 
ble the  place  of  a  son ;  and  although  after  Jess  recovered,  Domore 
hunted  again  with  his  rifle,  he  never  again,  while  we  were  in  the 
Purchase,  went  out  to  watch  a  lick. 


CHAPTER  LIX. 

"Like  other  tyrants  death  delights  to  smite, 
What,  smitten,  most  proclaims  the  pride  of  power 
And  arbitrary  nod.    His  joy  supreme 
To  bid  the  wretch  survive  the  fortunate; 
The  feeble  wrap  the  athletic  in  his  shroud 
And  weeping  fathers  build  their  children's  tomb." 

SCARCELY  had  the  gloom  from  the  late  melancholy  occurrence 
been  dispelled  before  our  settlements  were  trembling  at  reports 
of  a  coming,  resistless,  unpitying,  destructive  foe — the  Asiatic 
Cholera ! 

Innumerable  were  our  schemes  to  turn  aside,  evade,  or  coun- 
teract, this  fell  disease;  and  all  fear  of  other  sickness  and  death 
was  absorbed  in  fear  of  this !  As  if  God  had  only  one  minister 
of  vengeance,  or  of  chastisement!  As  if  He  was  to  be  dreaded  in 
the  thunder  and  tempest,  and  forgotten  in  the  calmness  and  sun- 
shine! Indeed,  that  only  dreaded  death  then  came  not; — God 
sent  another  messenger  of  terror  and  of  mercy — The ,  Scarlet 
Fever ! 

This  disease  appeared  first  and  without  apparent  cause  in  the 
family  of  Dr.  Sylvan.  Thence,  in  a  few  weeks,  it  spread  carrying 
death  and  mourning  into  most  of  our  habitations.  It  followed  no 
known  law,  sometimes  yielding  and  then  refusing  to  yield  to  the 
same  treatment  and  in  the  same  as  well  as  different  families :  and 
often  in  other  places  resisting  the  established,  or  different,  or 
even  opposite  treatment,  and  sweeping  all  into  the  grave!  The 
cholera  then  had  no  alarms!  The  King  of  Terrors  was  among 
us  in  forms  as  frightful  and  destructive ! 

Then  was  it,  dear  one !  after  days  and  nights  of  ceaseless  and 
anxious  watchings,  and  after  fitful  alternations  of  hope  and  fear, 
we  saw  those  eyes,  so  soft  and  yet  so  brilliant,  suddenly  and 
strangely  quenched — as  though  life  had  retreated  thither  to  a  last 
refuge  and  death,  having  long  before  triumphed  o'er  thy  dear,  dear 
form,  did  there,  as  a  last  act,  put  out  that  most  precious  light ! 
****** 

What  didst  thou  mean  by  those  mysterious  words  in  the  dying 

475 


476  SIXTH  YEAR 

strife? — "Father!  father!  how  tired  I  am!"  Was  it  so  hard  to 
die? —  *  *  Didst  thou  hear,  in  answer,  the  wailings  of  bitterest 
anguish? — or  feel  on  thy  cold  cheek  the  last  kisses — while  tears 
wet  that  face,  changing  and  passing  for  ever?  *  *  *  Sleep,  dear 
babe !  in  thy  bed  under  the  forest  leaves,  amid  those  lone  graves — 

we  shall  meet,  and,  never  to  part — no !  never ! 

****** 

Clarence  had  buried  two  children  in  the  far  East :  he  was  now 
called  to  lay  another  in  the  far  West.  That  Sabbath  morning  can 
never  be  forgot!  Among  others,  who  suffered  most,  was  our 
fellow-citizen  Mr.  Harlen.  His  four  children  were  all  deaf-mutes. 
Two  of  these  had  died  in  succession,  at  an  interval  of  eight  days: 
and,  when  the  second  lay  in  its  little  coffin,  in  front  of  the  pulpit 
in  the  Methodist  Chapel,  the  third,  a  fine  boy,  nine  years  old, 
distressed  at  some  supposed  error,  stole  from  his  weeping  parents 
in  the  church,  and,  advancing  to  the  coffin  of  his  dead  brother, 
placed  the  bier  as  to  him  seemed  suitable  and  decorous!  Poor 
darling  one !  on  the  next  Sabbath,  he  lay  in  his  own  coffin  on  that 
same  bier,  and  before  that  same  pulpit !  And  another  coffin,  and 
another  bier,  were  there — and  the  chief  mourner  was  Clarence! 
The  heartbroken  parents  of  the  mutes — (ay!  mute,  indeed,  now!) 
— had  entreated  him  to  pray  for  themselves,  if  possible,  that  day 
in  public !  He  did  so.  And  over  the  coffins  of  their  dead  children, 
he  spoke  to  others  and  himself  too,  words  of  consolation;  and 
offered  prayer  to  Him  that  can  and  did  bind  up  the  broken  in 
heart,  and  raise  up  them  that  were  bowed  down ! 

Mournful  train !  The  vision  is  before  me  ever — as  it  emerges 
from  the  house  of  God!  It  slowly  ascends  the  hill! — the  two 
coffins! — the  two  stricken  households! — the  False  One  between 
friends  at  that  double  burial!  The  train  is  entering  the  Forest 
Sanctuary!  They  are  separating,  some  to  lay  the  deaf  one  with 
his  kin — some  to  see  the  stranger  lay  his  babe  near  my  buried 

one! 

****** 
*  *  *  *  *  *  * 

Reader!  I  now  write  many  things  in  playfulness — none 

in  malice — yet,  years  of  my  life  passed,  when  sadness  only  was  in 
my  heart ;  and  words  and  thoughts  of  pleasantness  were  impossi- 


SEVENTH  YEAR  477 

ble !  Ay !  the  gloom  of  hell,  if  not  its  despair,  possessed  my  soul ! 
But,  I  have  found  religion  not  inconsistent  with  great  and  habitual 
cheerfulness.  Nay,  thoughts  of  death,  judgment,  and  eternity, 
may  be  ever  present  and  ever  dominant  in  a  mind  taught  by  many 
sorrows  to  make  light  of  the  things  of  time  and  sense ! 

How  do  these  solemn  words  and  things  sort  with  thy  cheerful- 
ness? For,  remember,  by  the  agreement  or  disagreement,  your 
character  is:  and  that  thine  most  certainly,  as  mine,  are — Death — 
— Judgment — Eternity ! 


CHAPTER   LX. 


SEVENTH  YEAR. 


"While  he  from  one  side  to  the  other  turning, 
Bareheaded,  lower  than  his  proud  steed's  neck, 
Bespake  them  thus: — /  thank  you,  countrymen: 
And  thus  still  doing,  thus  he  pass'd  along." 

"Smooth  runs  the  water,  where  the  brook  is  deep, 
And  in  his  simple  show  he  harbours  treason." 

CHEER  up!  reader,  only  one  and  a  half  year  more  in  the  Pur- 
chase !  In  this  time,  we  lived,  also,  very  fast,  and  were  so  occu- 
pied with  great  matters  as  to  overlook  little  things ;  therefore,  we 
shall  not  be  tedious.  Beside,  I  am  tired  riding  about ;  and  hence, 
you  will  be  dragged  no  more  through  the  wooden  world,  except 
to  the  Guzzleton  Barbecue. 

We  now  introduce  a  very  uncommon  personage,  a  most  power- 
ful prodigious  great  man,  the  first  of  the  sort  beheld  in  the  New 
Purchase — the  very  Reverend  Constant  Bloduplex,  D.  D. —  in 
all  the  unfathomable  depths  of  those  mystic  letters!  And  this 
character,  supposed  to  be  invented  for  the  purpose,  will 
be  an  important  study  to  the  literati,  whether  branded  on  the  head 
or  the  tail,  D.  D.  or  d.  d. — P.  or  p. :  and  who  aspire  to  dictate  ex 
cathedra.  All  such  strong-headed  men  can  here  receive  important 
hints  and  directions,  and  have  examples  how  best  to  discharge 


478  SEVENTH  YEAR 

their  official  duties.  We  can  now  show  "a  thing  or  two:"  and 
some  never  seen  or  heard  of  in  the  East !  Yea !  some  which  the 
wise  Solomon  himself  never  did  or  imagined  in  all  his  experiments, 
drunk  or  sober ! 

"Indeed !  go  on  then,  sir." 

Well,  the  Reverend  Gentleman  had  lately  written,  to  state  his 
acceptance  of  the  Presidency;  although  it  would  compel  him  to 
resign  much  more  eligible  stations,  and  make  very  unpleasant  in- 
terruptions in  his  domestic  comforts:  and  also,  that  he  would  be 
ready  to  set  out  for  his  new  home  in  the  early  spring.  In  due 

/• 

season,  followed  a  letter,  naming  the  time  his  journey  would  be 
commenced,  and  when  and  where  he  might  be  met  on  the  river. 

Then  should  you  have  been  at  Woodville,  to  see  our  folks  hop 
about!  All,  at  least,  favourable  to  the  conduct  of  the  Board. 
However,  some,  opposed  to  rats,  agreed  to  suspend  hostilities; 
being  persuaded  by  Dr.  Sylvan,  Mr.  Clarence,  and  specially  Mr. 
Harwood,  that  our  President  was  a  man  of  uncommon  worth, 
talents,  patriotism,  and  enterprise.  Yet,  a  few  honest,  but  per- 
haps mistaken,  persons,  from  a  sincere  love  of  their  own  sectarian- 
ism, remained  our  opponents,  if  not  our  enemies.  At  present,  we 
were  the  decided  majority,  and  therefore  the  people's  people: 
and  so  we  determined  to  do  things  in  style.  Out  of  reverence, 
then,1  to  the  man,  and  regard  for  his  station,  we  resolved  to  meet 
him  with  an  escort ;  to  honour  him  with  a  procession,  an  illumina- 
tion, and  a  feast !  And  all  this  was  by  and  with  the  consent  and 
advice,  and  under  the  superintendence,  and  at  the  expense  mainly, 
of  Clarence  and  Harwood,  aided  by  Sylvan  and  Carlton.  Hence, 
nemine  contradicente,  it  was  ordered : 

1.  That  Mr.  Carlton,  Sen'r,  and  James  Sylvan,  Jun'r,  be  the 
escort  from  the  river : 

2.  That  the  students  prepare  an  illumination  of  the  Colleges  : 

3.  That  Mrs.  Clarence,  and  a  dozen  other  feminine  citizens, 
fix  the  President's  house,  and  prepare  his  first  supper:  and 

4.  That  Mr.  Clarence  be  as  ubiquitous  as  possible,  and  see  that 
every  thing  was  as  straight  as — a  shingle. 

At  the  proper  day,  the  escort  started.  On  passing  through  vil- 
lages and  loggages,  we  so  fired  up  the  citizens,  that  in  many  places, 

1  Adverb  of  time.    Vide  Murray — or  some  of  his  pilferers. 


SEVENTH  YEAR  479 

it  was  promised  to  meet  our  Great  Man  with  inferior  processions, 
like  an  ovation — the  Grand  Triumphal  being  to  be  at  Woodville.  In 
one  town,  with  a  Jewish  name,2  we  met  no  encouragement — not 
from  want  of  good-will  in  the  inhabitants,  but  simply  because 
there  were  no  inhabitants  there.  Like  Goldsmith's  village,  it  was 
deserted — the  inhabitants  having  all  been  shaken  out  by  the  ague : 
although  we  could  not  say,  as  some  one  of  Ireland,  "in  it  snakes 
are  there  none."  «  . 

Finally,  after  an  uncommon  abrasion  of  inexpressible-seats,  and 
green  baize  leggins — (for,  like  Gilpin,  we  rode,  if  not  for  a 
wager,  yet  for  a  President) — we  dismounted  and  tied  our  horses 

at  the  Ohio. 

*  #  #  *  *  * 

(N.  B.  The  M|S.  here  was  so  blotted,  the  Editor  could  not 

read  it.) 

*  *  *  *  *  * 

and but  the  steamer  was  now  seen  descending 

on  the  swollen  bosom  of  the  waters,  belching  fire  and  smoke  as  if 
in  labour,  and  longing  to  be  delivered  of  the  great  weight  of  char- 
acter and  influence  she  was  painfully  bearing  to  our  inland  wilds — 
apt  likeness,  too,  of  Man  of  Puffs!  Oh!  the  exciting  moment! 
Now !  we  shall  see  a  Man ! — we  shall  have  the  honour  of  riding 
before  him — of  showing  him  to  the  natives,  as  Boswell  showed 
Johnson  to  the  Scotchmen !  and 

(Here  my  friend  Mr.  C.  seems  to  have  been  so  nervous 

that  his  MS.  defies  my  powers  to  decipher — several  pages,  there- 
fore, are  necessarily  omitted. — Editor.) 

" when,  then,  do  we  set  off,  Mr.  Carlton  ?" 

"To-morrow  morning,  Doctor.  We  will  now  cross  the  river, 
and  join  your  family  on  the  New  Purchase  side." 

"Is  this  our  skiff?" 

"Yes,  sir.  Well,  since  we  are  afloat,  Doctor,  how  do  you  think 
you  will  like  our  wooden  country?" 

"Don't  name  it,  sir.  I  already  repent  my  precipitancy:  if  all 
could  be  recalled,  I  should  be  better  pleased." 

"You  surprise  me,  Dr.  Bloduplex!" 

2  Salem. 


480  SEVENTH  YEAR 

"Yes,  sir,  I  have  been  hasty :  I  would  gladly  be  in  my  former 
place." 

"But,  our  College " 

"Mr.  Carlton,  plague  me  not  about  the  college — I  shall  have 
plenty  of  that  when  I  get  to  Woodville." 

Conversation,  where  one  is  ardent  and  the  other  cold,  becomes 
sissee  or  sissy: — a  dialogue  between  cold  water  and  hot  iron. 
Our  escort  had  too  much  at  stake  in  the  success  of  the  institution, 
not  to  feel  now  something  like  a  damper  on  his  spirits ;  and  he, 
therefore,  remained  in  a  ruminating  way  the  rest  of  the  passage — 
nay,  during  the  evening — yea,  when  he  got  into  bed.  In  vain 
chastised  he  his  own  zeal,  as  too  zealous — in  vain  apologised  for 
the  President's  want  of  firmness  and  lack  of  interest  in  Wood- 
ville matters — it  did  still  occur  that  the  good  Doctor  should  have 
counted  the  cost,  and  been  absorbed  in  the  "great  enterprise  for 
which  he  had  willingly  and  joyfully  sacrificed  himself  ?"  Had  he 
not  "left  riches,  and  honours,  and  glories"  of  the  Wheelabout 
country  deliberately  and  "conscientiously" — and  ought  he  not  to 
have  had  a  little  patience  with  an  escort  that  "had  paid  the 
postage"  of  a  horse,  and  nearly  ruined  a  pair  of  green  leggins  and 
a  pair  of  blue  unmentionables?  And  then  sneaked  in  remem- 
brances of  conversations  with  certain  "Brethren,"  intimately  ac- 
quainted with  the  President's  remarkable  life  and  history — con- 
versations once  attributed  to  envy,  and  jealousy,  and  odium  the- 
ologicum — and  yet  so  cognate  to  the  late  behaviour — that  battle 
the  suspicion  as  he  would,  it  did  seem,  as  they  said,  "we  should 
soon  find  out  and  be  bitterly  disappointed  with  Dr.  Bloduplex — 
that  he  was  no  safe  confidant — and  if  we  slighted  warning,  we 
should  in  the  end  find  a  person  that  could  blow  hot  and  cold  with 
the  same  breath." 

However,  we  resolved  to  make  the  inland  journey  pleasant, 
and  honourably  to  do  the  escortorial  duties,  and  boldly  throw  away 
all  suspicions  and  uncharitable  inferences — yet  to  be  guarded. 
When,  therefore,  next  day  the  President  showed  a  phase  differ- 
ent from  the  one  in  the  boat,  the  author,  after  listening  now  to 
an  enthusiastic  sermon  on  Colleges,  Woodville,  the  Far  West  in 
general,  the  Mississippi  valley  in  particular,  and  the  nobleness  of 
doing  good  for  goodness'  sake — away  packing  sent  he  his  base 


SEVENTH  YEAR  481 

and  injurious  suspicions,  and  began,  in  the  amiable  weakness  of 
his  nature,  to  look  up  to  the  Doctor  with  even  greater  admiration, 
and  no  small  admixture  of  filial  reverence !  And  then  in  his  turn 
— being  of  course  all  the  time  on  his  guard! —  Mr.  C.  opened 
his  budget,  and  told  about  Woodville,  and  the  peoples,  and  the 
Trustees,  and  Harwood,  and  Clarence,  and  Allheart,  and  Domore, 
and  Ned,  and  all ! 

"That  was  indiscreet,  Mr.  Carlton." 

Granted :  but  we  felt  then  like  a  son  with  a  father — were  anx- 
ious to  make  amends  for  our  mental  injury — and  beside,  this 
leaky  state  of  our  mind  seemed  so  to  interest  the  good  Doctor — 
he  condescended  to  ask  so  many  leading  questions — and  laughed 
and  cried  so  easy  and  naturally  at  various  narrations.  Indeed,  he 
innocently  started  fresh  leaks  in  a  vessel  that  never  held  well  at  the 
best — but  like  Robert  Hall's,  the  noble  Baptist,  used  to  pour  out 
at  the  slightest  excitements :  or,  to  change  the  figure,  the  Doctor 
finding  water  increasing  in  the  hold,  managed  the  pumps  so 
adroitly  and  incessantly  as  to  empty  the  whole  chest — or  some 
such  place  in  the  body  corporate,  where  secrets  are  contained. 

"Still,  sir,  you  were  too  much  of  a  gossip." 

Ah!  but  consider,  dear  reader,  we  had  nothing  else  to  talk 
about.  Moreover,  I  only  gave  story  for  story:  and  whenever  I 
told  any  thing  about  Woodville,  he  matched  it  with  something 
about  Wheelabout.  And  in  these  he  contrived  to  anticipate  and 
answer  all  inquiries  that  perchance  might  be  some  day  instituted 
concerning  History,  in  that  region — till  I  looked  on  him  as  a  hero, 
statesman  and  saint,  basely  maligned,  persecuted  and  driven — 
(for  driven  it  seemed  he  had  been) — away  by  cruel  foes  and 
unjust  popularity. 

"What  did  he  tell  you?" 

Excuse  me : — I  can  tell — but  that  would  betray  what  was  told 
in  confidence!  And  I  am  not  so  great  a  man  as  Dr.  Bloduplex, 
and  must  not  look  so  high  for  an  example,  although  twelve 
months  after  this  ride  the  Doctor — did  remember  all  my  gossip, 
things  said'  playfully  and  idly,  and  some  seriously,  and  did  narrate 
and  comment  on  them,  and  draw  inferences  from  them,  and  that 
before  discontented  students,  collected  at  his  house — before  Dr. 
Sylvan  alone — before  the  Board  of  Trustees  convened  as  a  court 


482  SEVENTH  YEAR 

of  trial!  Ay!  and  so  full  to  overflowing  was  his  remarkable 
memory,  that  he  recollected  "what  Mr.  Carlton  sfwuld  have  told 
him! — but  which  Mr.  Carlton  never  did  tell  him!3 

However,  let  us  get  back  to  Woodville.  On  the  way,  before 
arriving  at  a  village,  James  Sylvan,  Jim.,  would  hasten  forward 
to  announce  our  approach;  when,  by  previous  arrangement,  we' 
were  met  half  a  mile  south  of  each  clearing,  and  honoured  with1 
the  ovation :  immediately  after  which  we  usually  had  another  in 

3  The  editor  has  neither  desire  nor  intention  to  enter  into  the  merits 
of  this  college  quarrel  to  which  Mr.  Hall's  closing  pages  are  largely  de- 
voted. No  doubt  in  this  case,  as  in  most  differences  among  good  men, 
blame  may  be  safely  allotted  to  both  sides.  It  seems  to  have  been  almost 
entirely  a  personal  matter  and  what  appeared  large  to  the  participants 
seems  at  this  distance  of  time  rather  a  petty  matter.  The  people  of 
"Woodville"  were  soon  laughing  at  President  Wylie's  shoving  Prof. 
Harney  off  the  footlog  into  the  branch  down  by  the  "tan  yard"  on  South 
College  Avenue,  near  the  site  of  the  present  central  school  building. 
For  many  years  that  episode  was  one  of  the  amusing  stories  of  early  life 
in  Bloomington.  A  personal  feud  had  arisen  and  angry  passions  were 
aroused.  After  these  had  cooled  down  all  the  parties  to  the  quarrel  re- 
gretted, each  for  himself,  the  things  said  and  done.  Within  a  few  years 
Hall  felt  ashamed  of  some  of  the  passages  in  his  book.  He  was  ready  to 
forgive,  if  not  to  forget.  In  the  twelve  years  that  elapsed  between  the 
two  editions  of  his  book,  Hall  had  reasons  for  softening  some  of  his 
judgments.  The  asperities  of  the  old  quarrel  had  disappeared  and  re- 
flection had  mitigated  the  author's  sentiments  toward  his  college  asso- 
ciates at  Bloomington.  When  he  was  preparing  his  second  edition  in 
1855  he  wrote  to  Mr.  Nunemacher,  his  New  Albany  publisher :  "I 
looked  four  or  five  times  at  the  Bloduplex  business  but  could  not  con- 
dense to  do  any  good.  Professor  Bush  is  in  favor  of  the  omission ;  says 
it  was  'clique-like'  etc.  Dr.  McLean,  of  Princeton,  advised  to  leave  it 
out."  Hall  hoped  to  reduce  it,  but  later  he  wrote :  "All  the  chapters  and 
passages  relative  to  Dr.  Bloduplex  (President  Wylie)  are  by  all  means  to 
be  discarded.  This  gentleman  richly  deserved  all  that  was  done  to  him 
some  years  ago — but  he  is  now  in  the  other  life,  and  I  hope  in  a  better 
one."  In  another  letter  he  says :  "In  the  work  are  here  and  there  certain 
words  and  expressions  that  have  caused  me  often  much  sorrow  in  re- 
membering and  I  would  have  given  many  dollars  if  they  could  have  been 
blotted  out.  And  more  especially  there  would  be  so  manifest  an  unkind- 
ness  in  retaining  a  vast  amount  of  what  pertains  to  the  late  President  of 
a  certain  college  that  I  would  nearly  as  soon  consent  to  have  a  finger 
taken  off  as  to  continue  that." 

"I  have  thrown  out  from  the  work  about  130  pages; — the  raciness  is 
not  in  the  least  lost, — the  book  is  improved,  and  I  shall  not  be  ashamed 
of  it  now." 


SEVENTH  YEAR  483 

the  shape  of  eggs  and  bacon.    At  Melchisedecville  our  courier — 
a   little   waggishly — simply   announced   the   President!     In   the 
course  of  the  evening  our  hotel  was  duly  visited  by  some  demo- 
crats in  shirt  sleeves,  and  some  without  a  shirt — to  see  that  old 
character — President  Hickory- Face !    They  saw,  however,  a  hero 
with  a  much  smoother  phiz,  of  softer  words,  but  in  all  probability 
of  a  tougher  conscience. 

By  the  end  of  the  third  day,  we  could  hear  the  cow-bells  jingling 
homeward  towards  Woodville.  The  cows,  a  little  in  advance, 
were  hurried  forward  by  our  courier,  in  a  long  line,  with  un- 
wonted speed,  unusual  clamour,  great  mudsplashings  and  tail 
lashings;  from  all  which  it  was  conjectured  by  the  look-outs  in 
the  edge  of  the  Woodville  clearing,  that  something  was  coming! 
Indeed,  as  nothing  else  could  have  produced  such  commotion  and 
uproar,  Professor  Harwood  mounted  into  the  crotch  of  the  great 
old  Beech  at  the  Spring,  and  peering  thence  into  the  forest,  he 
soon  exclaimed : 

"Fall  in !  fall  in  \ — Sylvan's  behind  the  cows !  I  see  his  handker- 
chief waving  on  his  whip!  Fall  in!  the  President  is  coming?" 

Hence  when  we  came  within  a  few  rods  of  the  clearing,  there 
sure  enough  they  all  stood  in  double  file — 

"What!  the  cows!" 

Pshaw !  no — but  Harwood,  and  the  students,  and  the  citizens — 
all  in  their  Sunday  clothes !  And  then  taking  off  their  hats — all, 
I  mean,  that  had  any — they  gave  us,  as  we  passed  between  the 
opened  lines,  three  or  four  most  terrific  cheers ! 

How  the  President  felt  I  know  not — but  I,  fondly  hoping  our 
college  and  town  were  both  made — I  was  fairly  lifted  above  my 
horse!  and  stood  in  the  stirrups — I  rejoiced  as  for  my  own  hon- 
our,— thinking,  too,  I  foresaw  the  rapid  and  lasting  growth  of 
learning,  and  science,  and  civilization,  and  religion.  That  Clar- 
ence rejoiced  also,  I  well  know — it  was  for  this  he  had  voluntarily 
stood  aside  and  made  room  for  an  "elder,  I  did  not  say,  a  better 
soldier!"  That  Harwood  rejoiced  likewise,  I  well  know — nay, 
without  Harwood's  suggestions  and  after  efforts,  Bloduplex  had 
yet  been  in  the  peacefulness  of  his  earlier  wars — the  triumph  of 
his  first  victories  over  the  incautious  and  open  hearted !  And 
yet  that  Harwood  was  soon  hurled  from  his  own  office — his  living 


484  SEVENTH  YEAR 

taken  away — his  reputation ! — but  stay,  we  must  not  write  faster 
than  we  lived,  although  very  fast  did  we  now  live,  if  a  large  ex- 
perience of  evil  constitute  fast  living ! 

We  omit  the  supper,  and  pass  to  the  illumination.  Pause  we, 
however,  to  state  that,  in  addition  to  Little  College  and  Big  Col- 
lege, we  boasted  now  a  third  edifice,  which,  may  properly  here  be 
styled  Biggest  College.  Some  time  since  our  Board  had  ordered 
the  erection  of  a  new  building,  and  appointed  a  Committee  to 
carry  the  order  into  effect;  who,  being  carpenters  and  masons, 
lost  no  time,  but  taking  the  contract  themselves,  went  immediately 
to  work.  Hence,  one  morning  was  very  unexpectedly  'seen  a  sur- 
veyor running  a  line  across  the  Campus,  driving  down  stakes, 
&c. — and  also  several  labourers  digging  a  foundation!  Profes- 
sor Harwood  accidentally  passing,  asked  in  surprise  what  was 
meant:  and  he  was  answered,  "it's  for  the  New  College!" 

"College ! ! — why  we  have  no  plan  yet." 

"Plan! — why  it  is  to  be  like  the  Court-House — and  aint  that 
big  enough?" 

The  next  moment  Harwood  was  at  my  store;  and  out  of 
breath  began: 

"I  say,  Carlton ! — do  you  know  what's  going  on  our  way  ?" 

"No:  what?" 

"Why  they're  digging  away  at  the  foundation  of  the  new 
College " 

"No!  you're  quizzing " 

"Quizzing! — yes,  quiz  it  will  be  on  a  large  scale:  they  are 
actually  going  to  put  up  a  building  the  express  size  and  pattern 
of  that  odious  Court  House !" 

"Impossible ! — let's  go  down  and  stop  it." 

And,  sure  enough,  there  was  a  foundation  marked  off  for  a 
building  exactly  square,  about  50  feet  to  the  side!  Happily  we 
had  some  influence,  and  some  trustees  had  some  shame :  and  hence, 
while  the  work  could  not  be  stopped,  the  contracts  having  been 
secretly  disposed  of  and  shared  among  our  own  trustees  and  their 
friends,  an  order  was  procured  for  an  enlargement  of  the  affair, 
making  the  house  30  feet  longer ;  and  instead  of  two,  three  stories 
high!  And  this  is  the  true  history,  although  Dr.  Bloduplex 
prided  himself  with  having  suggested  in  his  letters  "the  just  pro- 
portions:" the  proportions,  just  or  unjust,  were  wholly  acci- 


SEVENTH  YEAR  485 

dental,  and  owing  to  the  cupidity  of  the  contractors,  and  not  to  the 
love  of  classical  or  unclassical  architecture. 

Well,  on  the  memorable  night  of  the  President's  arrival,  Little 
and  Big  Colleges  were  very  tastefully  illuminated  in  the  eastern 
way;  but  on  Biggest  College,  then  incomplete,  had  been  raised 
above  the  roof  a  pole  perpendicular  to  the  apex.  The  upper  end 
of  said  pole,  passed  through  the  centre  of  radiating  pieces 
bounded  by  a  circumference,  and  continued  to  rise  yet  a  few  feet. 
Near  its  top  crossed  a  bar  at  right  angles ;  and  at  each  end  of  the 
bar  a  candle  represented  a  Professor — a  very  large  candle  on  the 
extremity  of  the  pole  itself  personated  the  President.  The  Stu- 
dents stood  in  other  candles  around  the  circle  below,  and  just 
described ;  so  that  the  Greater  and  Lesser  Lights  of  the  Purchase 
glimmered  forth  to  night,  in  all  the  glory  and  effulgence  of  cotton 
wick  and  beef-tallow. 

It  was  a  proud  night!  and  not  undelightful  our  emotions  and 
anticipations,  as  we  stood  in  the  edge  of  the  wilderness,  late  the 
lurking  place  of  the  Indian,  and  yet  concealing  the  bear,  the  wolf, 
the  panther,  and  gazed  on  those  symbolical  tapers!  It  did  seem 
that  Mind  in  its  march  had  halted  and  erected  her  standard! 
But  even  while  we  gazed,  those  tapers  became  oddly  extinguished ! 
First,  one  after  another,  died  away  the  lights  of  the  circle! — 
then  the  lights  at  the  extreme  ends  of  the  bar,  first  Clarence,  then 
Harwood! — while  the  light  topping  the  pole  was  left,  feebly 
burning,  indeed,  and  spluttering,  yet  triumphant  and  alone ! 

"Was  that  ominous  of  what  follows?" 

So  Aunt  Kitty  insists.  Beside,  she  fortified  her  superstition 
by  a  dream!  She  dreamed  that  very  night!  that  Mr.  Clarence 
»vas  seated  in  his  great  rocking  chair,  on  the  top  of  Biggest  Col- 
lege, and  that  a  wind,  insidious,  noiseless,  and  yet  resistless,  came 
like  a  double-blowing  tornado,  and  hurled  him  to  the  earth ! 

Events  soon  happened  strangely  corroborative  of  the  old  lady's 
ideas  and  misgivings — and  we  can  only  account  for  those  things, 
as  Southey  for  the  unaccountable*,  in  Wesley's  life — "there  are 
more  things  in  heaven."  &c.  Some  said  the  Top  Candle  burnt  and 
smoked  the  longest,  because  it  contained  the  largest  amount  of 
gross  animal  matter,  and  was  most  w/cfc-ed;  but  still  that,  you 
know,  does  not  account  satisfactorily  for  Aunt  Kitty's  dream, 
does  it? 


CHAPTER  LXI. 

"Trust  not  those  cunning  waters  of  his  eyes, 
For  villainy  is  not  without  such  rheum : 
And  he,  long  traded  in  it,  makes  it  seem 
Like  rivers  of  remorse,  and  innocency." 

PRESIDENT  BLODUPLEX  was,  as  is  usual,  the  son  of  his  father 
and  mother,  being  born  in  very  early  life,  at  an  uncertain  moment 
of  a  certain  day  or  night,  near  Wheelabout.1 

His  talents  were  good;  his  acquirements  respectable  especially 
in  Classics,  Antiquities,  History,  and  Literature  in  general ; — still 
they  were  not  uncommon.  In  Mathematics  and  Sciences,  we  can- 
not state  his  attainments ;  and  simply  because  we  never  discovered 
them — yet  he  must  have  got  beyond  arithmetic,  since  Clarence,  in 
return  for  aid  in  Greek,  did  gratefully  assist  the  Doctor  in  Alge- 
bra. Harwood,  indeed,  thought  the  President's  attainments  in 
such  matters  inconsiderable;  but  then  Harwood  was  Professor 
of  Mathematics  and  may  have  expected  too  much.  At  all  events 
the  President  set  no  great  value  on  these  matters,  making  himself 
merry  at  Clarence's  expense,  on  accidentally  discovering  that  this 
gentleman  was  studying  Mathematics  under  the  guidance  of  his 
friend  Harwood,  while  Harwood  read  Latin  and  Greek  with 
Clarence. 

As  a  companion,  no  man  could  be  more  agreeable  than  our 
President.  It  was  this  led  our  young  Professors  to  unbosom  in 

1  President  Andrew  Wylie  was  born  in  Western  Pennsylvania,  near 
Wheeling,  West  Virginia,  April  12,  1789.  He  graduated  at  Jefferson 
College,  Canonsburg,  Pa.  in  1810  with  the  first  honors  of  his  class. 
He  became  a  tutor  in  his  Alma  Mater  immediately  after  his  graduation 
and  two  years  later  was  made  President  of  the  College.  In  1817  he 
resigned  the  Presidency  of  Jefferson  and  became  President  of  Washing- 
ton College,  Pa.,  seven  miles  from  Canonsburg.  Both  of  these  colleges 
were  supported  by  the  Presbyterians  and  Dr.  Wylie  hoped  to  unite  the 
two.  Local  rivalries  and  sectarian  differences  between  the  liberal  and 
the  stricter  and  more  orthodox  branches  of  the  Presbyterian  church 
prevented  this  union.  There  were  college  quarrels  at  Washington  and 
President  Wylie's  position  became  uncomfortable  for  him.  He  resigned 
in  1829  to  accept  the  Presidency  of  Indiana  College  which  had  been 
chartered  by  the  State  in  1828. 

486 


SEVENTH  YEAR  487 

his  presence — and  even  when,  in  an  unguarded  moment,  the 
President  remarked — "friendship  is  a  word  I  have  blotted  from 
my  vocabulary !" — they  thought  he  suspected  other  men  only  and 
not  themselves.  But  before  long  it  was  found  he  had  confidence 
in  nobody;  and  that  he  looked  on  all  men  as  enemies,  to  be  man- 
aged, resisted,  counteracted,  circumvented.  This  was  his  proton 
pseudos,  to  imagine  all  sorts  of  wickedness  and  chicanery  in  all 
others;  and  then  to  combat  all  with  such  weapons  as  he  fancied 
they  were  using  or  would  use  against  him !  Hence  said  Harwood 
once, — "depend  on  it,  when  Bloduplex  tells  us  of  the  meanness, 
and  duplicity,  and  falsehood,  and  machinations  of  Doctor  Red  and 
others  in  Wheelabout,  towards  himself,  he  has  used  the  same 
towards  them."  But  Harwood  was  a  young  man,  and  may  have 
been  mistaken. 

Doctor  B.  was  an  excellent  preacher,  and  a  still  better  lecturer, 
whether  is  regarded  the  matter  or  the  manner:  and  some  of  his 
pulpit  exhibitions  were  surpassingly  fine.  His  theological  opin- 
ions, like  the  Oxford  Tracts,  were  for  the  "Times:"  his  only 
decided  opinion  in  theology  being  that  "there  were  worse  men  in 
hell  than  Judas  Iscariot." 

Like  King  David,  our  President,  but  in  a  different  sense,  had 
been  "a  man  of  war  from  his  youth ;"  and  in  some  adroit  way— 
(he  attributed  it  partly  to  his  elocution) — he  had  usually  worsted 
his  enemies  and  even  his  friends,  too,  in  ecclesiastical  combats 
before  the  clerical  courts !  Indeed,  so  thoroughly  had  he  devoured 
things  as  to  have  "used  himself  up !"  One  demolished  brother  in 
the  middle  east  attributed  the  victory  over  himself  to  the  "Doc- 
tor's peculiar  memory,  which  had  no  tenacity  in  things  that  made 
against  himself,  but  retained  all  and  more,  too,  of  such  as  were  in 
his  own  favor."  But  that  was  the  fault  of  his  Phrenological 
organization;  and  he  only  acted  in  obedience  to  the  laws  of  his 
nature. 

My  own  opinion  is,  President  B.  owed  most  of  his  victories — 
and  some  of  his  defeats — to  his  Wonderful  Religious  Experience ! 
which  in  the  stereotyped  crying  places  always  when  first  heard 
inclined  zveak  believers  to  his  side !  I  well  know  the  peril  of  med- 
dling with  this  Experience;  since  the  Doctor  soberly  arraigned 
both  Clarence  and  Harwood  for  sniggering  when  they  heard  its 


488  SEVENTH  YEAR 

third  or  fourth  repetition — although  the  Judges  would  not  con- 
demn the  accused,  inasmuch  as  a  moiety  of  said  Judges  did  snigger 
and  sneer  a  little  themselves  when  the  Experience  was  enacted  for 
them! 

Ay!  the  Player  did  sometimes  so  overdo  this  part  as  not  only 
to  look  excessively  silly,  but  to  see  in  other  men's  faces  that  he  had 
been  making  a  special  fool  of  himself !  "A  donkey," — says  ^Esop 
— "boasting  descent  from  a  generous  race  horse,  failed,  however, 
in  a  certain  race;  when,  humbled  and  ear- fallen,  he  had  a  shad- 
owy recollection  of  his  father — an  ASS."  A  dim  remembrance 
of  that  donkey's  true  progenitor,  very  respectfully  named  in  more 
than  one  solemn  court  and  conclave,  and  as  an  accompaniment  to 
the  Religious  Experience,  may  enable  our  worthy  Divine,  if  he 
still  live,  to  see  one  reason  why  (if,  he  failed  not  often  to  destroy 
his  foes),  he  has  so  completely  destroyed  himself. 

"Yes — but,  by  your  own  account,  he  did  overthrow  both  Clar- 
ence and  Harwood." 

Reader — a  double-cone  seems  to  be  rolling  up  hill,  on  its  in- 
clined planes:  and  yet  is  it  all  the  time  really  going  down  hill! 
According  to  his  threat,  he  did  "trample  both  Trustees  and  Fac- 
ulty under  his  feet ;" — but  it  has  proved  to  himself  only  a  rolling 
up-hill  downwards ! 

Some  will  think  we  are  manufacturing  a  character :  and,  maybe, 
critics  will  say  it  is  a  very  poor  one  after  all,  and  that  any  second 
rate  genius  could  have  invented  a  much  better.  Well,  honesty  is 
the  best  policy;  and,  although  it  may  affect  the  sale  of  the  book 
one  way  or  the  other,  we  must  say  that  Bloduplex  is  really  a 
fictitious  character! 


CHAPTER  LXII. 

"Contention,    like   a   horse 
Full  of  high  feeding,  madly  hath  broke  loose, 
And  bears  down  all  before  him." 

SUCH  being  our  Fictitious  Bloduplex,  can  any  critic  say,  a 
priori,  what  will  be  suitable  action?  Perhaps,  the  popular  induc- 
tive method  had  better  been  followed,  and  the  ascent  to  the  char- 


SEVENTH  YEAR  489 

(  acter  taken  place  from  the  actions  a  posteriori :  and  that  would 
have  sorted  with  our  President's  favourite  English  use  of  that 
backsided  logical  phrase.  Let  none,  here,  exclaim,  Mystery !  We 
live  in  a  mysterious  age.  Is  it  not  the  era  of  Animal  Magnetism  ? 
— of  Phreno,  or  Phreney-magnetism  ? — of  Transubstantiation  ? — 
Repudiation? — Wax  Candles? — Holy  Vestments?  Is  there  not  a 
laying,  all  through  the  pomps  and  vanities  of  the  world,  clear  up 
to  heaven,  a  Spiritual  Rail  Way,  by  which  a  vile  sinner,  touched 
and  started  by  the  proper  persons,  or  their  deputies  and  proxies, 
shall  be  in  glory  in  a  jiffey? — and  that  whether  puritanically  con- 
verted and  sanctified  or  not !  But — 

Dislike  was,  in  due  time,  expressed  by  the  President  for  his 
Cabinet,  conjectured  to  spring  from — I.  His  jealousy  of  equals, 
and  suspicious  and  untrustful  temper:  2.  His  determination  for 
a  very  low  grade  of  studies — especially  in  Mathematics,  and  even 
in  Classics, — he  being  resolved  to  level  down  and  not  up :  3.  His 
love  of  ease,  and  wish  to  get  along  with  a  relaxed,  or  rather  no 
discipline :  4.  His  using  discipline  as  an  instrument  of  avenging 
himself  on  students  disliked  by  him:  5.  His  domineering  and 
tyrannical  temper:  6.  His  prying  disposition,  by  which  he  was 
led  to  have  spies  in  the  professors'  classes,  and  to  watch  when 
they  came  and  went  to  and  from  duties.  &c. :  7.  His  desire  to 
make  room  for  former  pupils  and  relatives:  8.  His  erroneous 
theology. 

Hence,  without  consulting  his  peers,  nay,  contrary  to  their 
known  wishes  and  earnest  remonstrances,  he  tried  to  discipline 
students  at  will,  and  to  suspend  and  dismiss ;  he  permitted  some 
to  be  graduated,  and  who  now  hold  imperfect  diplomas,  signed 
with  his  sole  name:  and  he  commanded  what  the  Professors 
should  and  should  not  do,  and  what  teach,  and  how,  answering 
their  arguments  with  insult  and  derision,  and  threatening  to  stamp 
them  and  the  trustees  also  under  his  feet !  He  pretended  to  think, 
and  dared  to  assert,  that  the  discipline  of  a  College  was  of  right  a 
President's  special  duty, — and  teaching,  the  Professors'.  And, 
therefore,  he  rudely,  on  several  occasions,  contradicted  his  Fac- 
ulty in  public,  and  aimed  to  consider  and  treat  them  as  boys! 
Nay,  once,  after  permitting  a  young  gentleman  openly  and  grossly 
to  insult  a  member  of  the  Faculty,  he  stated  in  public,  that  unless 


490  SEVENTH  YEAR 

that  member  and  that  pupil  could  make  it  up!  the  student  or 
Professor  must  leave  the  College!!  He  was  the  master  of  the 
school, — his  Professors  mere  ushers !  He  arbitrarily  prescribed — 
first,  their  duties,  and  then,  dared  enter  their  recitation  rooms  to 
ascertain  in  person  if  they  were  competent  and  faithful  teachers : 
where,  after  asking  questions  of  the  students,  showing  always  his 
impertinence  and  insolence,  and  not  rarely  his  ignorance  of  the 
subjects,  he  said  to  those  pupils,  and  in  the  very  presence  of  their 
Professors,  that  if  not  fully  satisfied  with  the  teachers'  explana- 
tions and  instructions,  they  would  come  to  his  study,  he  would 
supply  the  deficiencies ! ! ! 

"Mr.  Carlton! — were  your  Professors  men?  Why,  Professor 
Spunk,  of  our  place,  would  have  kicked  him  out!" 

Softly :  Clarence  was  a  Clergyman,  and  Harwood  good  natured. 
For  a  while,  too,  amazement  kept  them  speechless:  and  after  that 
they  were  inclined  to  take,  as  a  perpetual  apology  for  the  Presi- 
dent's rudeness,  what  he  once  offered  as  such  to  the  students  them- 
selves, for  a  hasty  act  of  discipline,  viz.: — "that  his  nerves  had 
been  disordered  by  a  cup  of  strong  tea  the  night  before,  taken  in- 
cautiously with  a  guest,  and  that  in  such  cases  he  was  sometimes 
forgetful  and  hasty !" 

Clarence,  indeed,  always  insisted  that  the  poor  Doctor  was,  at 
times,  partially  deranged;  and  that,  even  after  receiving  the  fol- 
lowing anonymous  letter : 

(Note: — The  Editor  is  unwilling  to  print  the  letter,  and  so  he 

always  told  Mr.  C.) 

****** 

This  letter,  Clarence,  on  opening  his  pocket  Virgil,  left  as  usual 
on  the  mantel  of  his  recitation  room,  found  in  the  book :  and,  not 
suspecting  its  character,  he  thought  he  would  run  it  over  before 
commencing  the  lesson.  The  hand-writing  being  apparently  the 
President's,  Clarence,  conceiving  that  his  master  had  chosen  this 
way  to  lecture  for  some  over-sight,  looked  for  no  signature.  And, 
therefore,  he  read  till  the  ending,  when  the  absence  of  all  signa- 
ture so  perturbed  him,  that  he  got  through  with  the  recitation 
mechanically  and  by  instinct  J1 

1  Touching  this  anonymous  letter,  Mr.  Matthew  M.  Campbell  (form- 
erly Principal  of  the  Preparatory  Department  of  the  University  who 


SEVENTH  YEAR 


491 


Great  was  his  distress: — could  it  be  that  Bloduplex  was  so 
cowardly  and  vile  to  write  such  a  letter !  ordering  him  to  resign, 
and  threatening  if  he  would  not !  Yet,  his  was  the  hand-writing ! 
— the  style! — the  very  expressions! — the  every  thing! — but  the 
signature,  and  that  was  wanting ! 

When  this  letter  was  thus  found,  it  was  a  time  of  restored  peace 
and  renovated  confidence — for,  Clarence,  being  then  a  man  of 
implicit  faith  and  trustfulness  of  spirit — (having  faith  in  man! 


was  an  early  student  with  personal  recollection  of  these  times)  told 
Judge  Banta  that  it  was  a  complaining  letter  and  reproachful,  asking 
Hall  to  resign  and  leave.  The  letter-writer  said  that  his  request  contained 
no  more  than  the  almost  universal  opinion  of  the  students.  Hall  was 
called  "indolent,  careless,  superficial,  and  shamefully  neglectful  of  his 
duties."  He  was  certainly  none  of  these  things.  He  may  have  been 
over-sensitive  and  too  suspicious  of  President  Wylie.  It  is  hard  to 
understand  why  he  did  not  burn  the  letter  and  say  nothing  about  it  to 
any  one. 

I  can  find  no  reason  for  doubting  Hall's  integrity  and  sincerity.  He 
probably  had  some  reason  to  complain  that  President  Wylie  afterwards 
made  use  to  his  detriment  of  some  of  the  innocent  gossip  in  which  he 
indulged  during  this  long  drive  from  the  Ohio. 

Evidence  of  Hall's  unselfish  and  sincere  devotion  to  the  College, 
his  wish  for  its  prosperity,  his  kindly  disposition  toward  Dr.  Wylie  upon 
his  election  to  the  Presidency  and  his  willingness  to  serve  the  new 
President  and  cooperate  with  him,  may  be  found  in  two  letters  of  Hall 
written  to  Wylie  in  1828  and  1829.  In  the  first  of  these  letters  written 
on  May  7,  1828  Hall  says: 

"Mr.  John  H.  Harney,  Professor  of  Mathematicks,  and  myself,  who 
both,  have  long  proposed  and  desired  your  election  to  the  Presidency 
of  the  College  of  Indiana,  cannot  but  be  extremely  solicitous  that  you 
should  accede  to  the  wishes  of  the  Board  of  Trustees,  which  by  this 
time  must  have  reached  you.  In  the  hope  therefore,  that  it  may  aid 
your  determination,  be  assured  that  the  call  of  the  Board  is  entirely 
unanimous  and  cordial,  that  it  meets  the  entire  approbation  of  the 
townsmen  and  of  all  the  principal  men  of  the  whole  state  both  in  publick 
and  private  life. 

"Should  you  come  hither,  Sir,  your  influence  may  be  exerted  upon 
a  very  broad  scale  towards  the  noblest  and  most  beneficial  ends; — the 
advancement  of  religion  and  of  liberal  education. 

"Hitherto  the  smiles  of  Providence  have  been  upon  our  Institution: 
and  the  very  hand  of  God  has  visibly  directed  all  events;  and  hence  we 
cannot  but  hope  that  the  same  Being  intends  this  as  the  scene  of 
your  future  labours. 

'The  publick  are  all  waiting  impatiently  for  your  decision:  and  great 


492  SEVENTH  YEAR 

according  to  the  modern  doctrine  of  Lyceums) — had,  child-like, 
looked  over  the  past,  and  hoped  afresh  for  the  future;  *  *  * 
Down  went  he,  after  recitation,  as  usual,  to  the  Doctor's  study — 
but,  accidentally,  the  door  was  locked !  Then  called  he  Harwood 
from  his  room,  and,  without  uttering  a  word,  put  the  letter  into 


and  universal  will  be  the  disappointment  should  you  by  a  sense  of  duty 
be  impelled  to  a  declinature  of  what  may  be  termed,  not  merely  the 
call  of  the  Trustees  but  of  the  whole  state. 

"Bloomington  I  acknowledge  is  a  new  town  and  in  a  new  country. 
But  it  is  widely  different,  in  appearance  from  new  towns  generally ;  the 
work  of  improvement  in  all  respects  is  rapidly  advancing ; — and  in  regard 
to  healthfulness  abundant  evidence  may  be  furnished  that  it  is  by  far 
superior  to  most  places  in  the  West,  and  equal  to  any  whether  in  the 
East  or  West.  For  instance  I  have  preached  here  to  a  small  congregation 
for  more  than  3  years  and  in  this  time  have  buried  but  one  adult  person 
connected  with  the  Presbytery  and  he  died  from  a  pulmonary  disease 
derived  from  his  parents.  I  have  buried  also  an  infant  child,  my 
daughter,  who  died  of  a  peculiar  eruption.  Besides  I  recollect  in  the 
whole  town  not  more  than  6  or  7  deatiis ;  and  all  from  casualty  or  some 
special  and  occasional  disease. 

'"With  regard  to  Mr.  Harney  and  myself  I  may  say  we  are  enthusias- 
tick  in  our  respective,  professions ;  and  that  we  are  abundantly  willing 
to  become  coadjutors  in  all  schemes  for  the  promotion  of  learning. 
And  this  will  doubless  weigh  in  your  estimation  when  it  is  remembered 
that  the  influence  and  example  of  this  College  are  to  be  felt  and 
imitated  through  the  entire  state.  Here,  too,  I  may  add,  that  no  similar 
situation  can  now  be  found,  and  no  juncture  ever  again  occur,  so  very 
favourable  for  the  adoption  and  wide  dissemination  of  any  plan  to 
promote  the  interests  of  education.  Nay,  Sir,  I  affirm  not  too  strongly 
when  I  say,  that  with  the  blessing  of  God  upon  judicious,  well  timed, 
persevering  and  united  efforts,  we  may  mould  a  system  of  education 
for  the  whole  state ;  that  this  College  may  at  no  distant  period  be  far 
superior  to  any  other  in  the  West ;  and  that  Indiana  may  ultimately 
become  one  of  the  most  enlighened  states  of  the  union. 

"With  these  and  various  other  considerations  which  must  have  occurred 
to  your  reflections,  may  we  venture  to  hope,  dear  Sir,  that  you  will 
prefer  Indiana  College  as  the  scene  of  your  future  exertions? 

Hoping  that  such  will  be  your  determination,  believe  me,  Sir,  to  be 
Yours,  very  respectfully, 

BAYNARD    R.    HALL. 

While  from  this  letter  we  may  conclude  that  Hall  and  Harney  recom- 
mended Wylie's  election  as  President  of  Indiana  College,  there  is  reason 
to  suppose  that  other  men  of  influence  may  have  first  proposed  it  to 
the  Trustees.  William  Hendricks,  the  second  Governor  of  the  State, 
and  at  the  time  a  U.  S.  Senator,  had  been  a  college-mate  and  a  student 


SEVENTH  YEAR  493 

his  hand.  That  gentleman  read,  and  trembled  as  he  read, — and, 
when  Clarence  asked — 

"Who  do  you  think  wrote  it?"  he  answered — 

"I  am  afraid  to  say !  but  it  seems  like  the  Doctor, — the  style — 
the  hand-writing — the  expressions — are  so  like  his !" 

Hastening  home,  Clarence  handed  the  letter  to  his  wife,  and 
without  word  or  comment.  She  read;  but,  soon  bursting  into 
tears,  she  voluntarily  exclaimed — 

"Oh!  Charles!— the  Doctor  must  have  written  this!" 

Harwood  had  now  joined  them:  when  the  anonymous  letter 
was  compared  with  several  letters  written  by  Bloduplex  to 
Clarence,  and  the  most  remarkable  similarity,  as  to  the  hand — the 
style — the  words — the  expressions — was  apparent:  nay,  in  some 
things,  was  an  identity.  And  all  this,  even  Dr.  Sylvan  afterwards 
acknowledged;  although  with  characteristic  caution,  he  expressed 

no  opinion  as  to  the  authorship. 

****** 

"Do  not  resign " 


of  Wylie's  at  Jefferson  College  and  Wylie  was  known  also  to  Governor 
Jennings. 

In  Hall's  second  letter  to  Wylie  (April  7,  1829)  written  after  the 
latter  had  accepted  the  invitation  to  Indiana,  he  assures  the  new  Presi- 
dent that  his  acceptance  had  "filled  all  the  friends  of  literature  apd 
religion  in  this  region  with  unfeigned  pleasure  and  satisfaction."  "Of 
course,  Harney  and  myself,"  says  Hall,  are  not  among  the  least  happy, 
still  the  doubt  remaining  whether  or  not  we  may  expect  your  propria 
persona  this  spring  gives  us  no  little  anxiety."  Hall  then  gives  a  list 
of  ten  reasons  why  the  new  President  should  come  soon.2  "Enemies 
you  know  from  Harney's  case  [Referring  to  the  sectarian  opposi- 
tion to  Harney's  election  to  the  professorship]  the  college  has;  these 
are  only  utterly  defeated  by  your  immediate  removal.  If  you  delay 
I  dread  new  plots.  If  once  defeated  they  can  never  rise  again.  .  .  . 
If  we  can  learn  when  you  will  be  at  Louisville,  Mr.  Harney  and  myself, 
with  Maxwell  and  others,  will  meet  and  escort  you  to  Bloomington,— 
to  this  we  entreat  you  to  consent,  for  as  many  reasons  as  are  given 
above." 

It  seems  quite  tragic  that  such  pleasing  anticipations  and  such  earnest 
and  loyal  purposes  should  find  an  outcome  in  the  personal  friction 
antagonisms  and  disappointments  that  followed. 

2  See  Judge  D.  D.  Banta's  History  of  the  University,  Alumni  Quarterly 
Vol.  II.,  No.  2,  p.  160. 


494  SEVENTH  YEAR 

"I  must,  Harwood:  external  enemies  and  mistaken  men,  I 
could  and  can  resist,  and  face; — but  this  domestic  traitor " 

"Perhaps,  after  all,  it  is  not  he." 

"Perhaps  so ;  yet,  I  cannot  endure  the  suspicion.  And,  suppose 
he  learns  or  guesses  our  suspicion — mutual  confidence  can  never 
be  again  after  that.  No.  I  am  now  awake:  and  let  me  say, 
dear  Harwood,  that  that  man  has  some  plan  for  you  when  he  is 
rid  of  me." 

"Oh !  you  are  too  much  alarmed — he  cannot  be  mediating  that ; 
— we  shall  be  too  strong  for  him " 

"Depend  on  it,  I  am  right.  What  we  have  heard  of  his  char- 
acter is  true :  and  he  that  has,  by  indirect  means,  gained  victories 
over  ecclesiastical  courts,  will,  by  the  same,  gain  them  over  us.  I 
must  and  will  resign." 

"At  least,  see  the  Doctor  first." 

"I  will — but  I  know  the  result: — it  will  end  in  my  resignation, 
and  in  your  final  overthrow." 

Clarence  accordingly,  taking  the  letter,  waited  on  the  President, 
who,  meeting  him  at  the  door  of  his  dwelling,  did  himself  thus 
begin : — 

"You  received  an  anonymous  letter,  Mr.  Clarence,  I  hear?" — 
(Who  told  him?) 

"Yes,  sir ;  and  I  have  come  to  you  for  advice." 

"Let  us  walk  up  the  lane.    Have  you  the  letter  with  you?" 

"Here  it  is." 

The  letter  was  taken  by  the  President,  but  not  read  all  carefully 
and  indignantly  over,  as  by  the  others !  And  yet,  at  a  glance,  he 
learned  all  its  items,  and  that  so  well,  as  to  talk  and  comment  on 
them !  But  still,  after  what  he  designed  should  pass  for  a  search- 
ing scrutiny,  in  a  moment  he  exclaimed, —  "I  know  the  hand  writ- 
ing— it  is  Smith's!" 

"How  you  relieve  me,  Doctor  Bloduplex,"  said  Clarence; 
"Harwood  was  right  to  prevent  me  from  sending  in  my 
resignation, — I  shall  continue " 

"Mr.  Clarence,"  replied  the  President,  "Smith,  7  know,  is  your 
bitter  enemy ;  and  I  am  told  you  have  many  more,  and  especially 
among  the  young  gentlemen  that  came  with  me :  now,  this  letter 
shows  a  state  of  great  unpopularity,  and  /  do  candidly  advise,  all 
things  considered,  that  you  had  better  resign!!" 


SEVENTH  YEAR  495 

"Doctor,  pardon  me,  my  first  belief  is  returned— I  know  the 
author  of  this  letter,  and  it  is  not  Smith." 

"Who  then,  sir?" 

"Come  with  me,  Dr.  Bloduplex  and  I  will  satisfy  you  in  my 
study." 

"I  cannot  now,  sir,  but  will  call  in  the  course  of  the  day." 

After  a  while  the  President  called,  when  Clarence,  conducting 
him  into  the  study,  said : 

"Dr.  Bloduplex,  from  my  inmost  soul  I  do  hope  you  may 
remove  my  suspicion, — but  I  much  fear  that  you  yourself  are  the 
author  of  this  letter !" 

"I! — the  author!  how  could  you  ever  entertain  so  unjust  a 
suspicion !" 

"God  grant,  sir,  it  be  unjust — but  I  will  give  you  the  grounds 
of  my  suspicion." 

"Name  them,  sir, — I  am  curious  and  patient." 

Here  Clarence  went  over  all  that  the  reader  has  been  told,  but 
to  a  much  wider  extent,  and  with  many  arguments  and  inferences 
not  now  narrated ;  and  then  spread  out  the  Doctor's  own  letters, 
to  be  compared  with  the  anonymous  one.  Upon  which  the  Doc- 
tor said: 

"Well,  Mr.  Clarence,  there  is  no  resemblance  between  them,  or 
but  very  little." 

"But  is  there  not  some?  Has  not  the  writer  tried  to  imitate 
your  hand — your  style — your  very  grammatical  peculiarities?" 

"It  does,  maybe,  seem  a  little  so " 

"It  does,  indeed,  Doctor  Bloduplex;  and  now  look  here! — the 
seal  is  stamped  with  the  key  of  your  desk!" 

Here  the.  President  coloured ;  of  course  in  virtuous  indignation 
and  surprise  at  such  roguery,  and  in  some  little  confusion 
exclaimed : — 

"The  wicked  dogs !  they  have  stolen  the  key  of  my  desk !" 

Clarence  was  here  affected  to  tears;  that  one  the  other  day 
almost  loved  and  trusted  as  a  father  could  be  by  him  no  longer  so 
regarded.  Ay,  hoping  against  hope  that  the  man  could  not  be  so 
fallen  from  high  honour,  and  looking  towards  him  with  streaming 
eyes,  he  said: 

"Only  assure  me,  Doctor,  on  your  word  of  honour  and  as  a 


496  SEVENTH  YEAR 

Christian  that  you  did  not  do  this  base  action,  and  even  now  will 
I  burn  this  letter  in  this  very  fire — (it  was  a  cold  day) — before 
your  face." 

"Mr.  Clarence,"  said  he  "I  solemnly  declare  I  did  not  write 
the  Better ;  but  stay,  do  not  burn  it — let  me  have  it  and  I  will  try 
and  find  the  writer." 

The  worthy  President  then  carried  away  the  letter  and  retained 
it  three  days  in  his  surtout  pocket;  after  which  he  returned  the 
paper — but  alas !  the  friction  of  the  pocket,  or  something  else,  had 
so  worn  away  the  seal  that  the  impression  of  the  desk-key  was  no 
longer  visible! 

Of  course,  then,  the  letter  was  not  written  by  the  Reverend 
Constant  Bloduplex,  d.  d. — for  he  had  the  best  right  to  know; 
and  he  said,  solemnly,  that  it  was  not.  Yet  Clarence,  "all  things 
considered,"  did  that  very  week  send  his  resignation  to  Dr.  Syl- 
van; offering,  however,  to  remain  till  the  meeting  of  the  Board. 
At  that  the  Board  offered  him  nearly  double  salary  to  remain 
some  months  longer  till  a  suitable  successor  could  be  found;  to 
which  proposal  Clarence  acceded.  When  that  gentleman  leaves 
the  stage,  our  history,  dear  reader,  is  concluded. 

Meanwhile  pass  we  to  the  next  chapter  and  refresh  ourselves 
with  the  Guzzleton  Barbecue. 


CHAPTER  LXIII. 

"I'll  give  thrice  so  much  land 
To  any  well-deserving  friend: 
But  in  the  way  of  bargain,  mark  ye  me, 

I'll  cavil  on  the  ninth  part  of  a  hair." 
****** 

"Now,  my  co-mates,  and  brothers  in  exile, 
Hath  not  old  custom  made  this  life  more  sweet 
Than  that  of  painted  pomp?" 

BEFORE  his  marriage,  John  Glenville  had  located  on  the  river ; 
where,  being  part  owner  of  a  tract  of  land,  it  was  determined 
to  make  the  village  of  Guzzleton.  And  of  all  places  in 
the  world  this  was  a — place.  It  abounded  in  wood  and  water,. 


SEVENTH  YEAR  497 

and  was  convenient  to  the  river,  or — could  be  so ;  the  county 
road  went  within  half  a  mile,  and  if  desired  would,  no  doubt, 
come  right  through  the  town ;  and  there  might  be  rail-roads  and 
.canals  across  it,  in  every  direction.  Nay,  all  the  advantages  of 
Paperville  itself  would  in  time  concentrate  in  Guzzleton !  Yea,  it 
would  eclipse  Woodville!  Ay,  and  if  some  folks  did  not  look 
sharp,  the  Legislature  would  remove  to  Guzzleton  the  State  Col- 
lege, or  at  least  create  there  a  branch  College ! 

Hence,  in  the  tremendous  excitement,  lots  at  the  first  sale,  were 
bid  off  at  fine  prices,  to  be  paid  afterwards ;  and  then  the  settlers 
began  to  pour  in  and  build!  But  after  Glenville's  own  dwelling 
and  store-house,  Tom  Beecher's  tannery,  and  two  cabins,  one  for 
a  cobbler  and  the  other  for  a  tailor,  had  been  erected,  the  rage  for 
improvement  ceased;  and  as  yet  the  place  was  only  Little 
Guzzleton ! 

The  Patroons,  however,  thought  if  a  Fourth  of  July  could  be 
got  up  and  the  place  become  a  centre  for  stump-speeching,  elec- 
tioneering, horse-jockeying  and  other  democratical  excellences,  a 
fresh  start  would  be  given  in  its  growth,  and  the  town  become 
Great  Guzzleton.  Hence  this  summer,  on  the  Fourth,  was  to  be 
there  a  grand  Barbecue,  with  the  reading  of  the  Declaration  of 
Independence,  and  great  speeches  from  Robert  Carlton  of  Wood- 
ville, and  other  fellow-citizens ! 

On  the  third  of  July,  Harwood  and  myself  went  over  to  indulge 
in  a  prefatory  "cut  up"  with  Glenville,  and  to  witness  the  arrange- 
ments for  the  Barbecue.  And  as  such  an  affair  may  be  novel  to 
some,  we  shall  confine  ourselves  to  that ;  taking  for  granted  most 
have  once  or  twice  heard  the  Declaration  and  also  the  patriotic 
orations  of  the  season. 

The  spot  for  the  Barbecue  was  an  enchanting  plateau  below  the 
cliff  on  which  Guzzleton  stood,  and  yet  sufficiently  above  the  river, 
to  be  considered  table  land.  It  was  about  one  hundred  yards  long 
by  fifty  yards  wide,  and  covered  with  fine  and  luxuriant  grass, 
usually  cropped  by  cows  and  horses,  but  now  smoothly  and  evenly 
mown  with  scythes.  The  hackberry,  the  buckeye,  the  sycamore, 
and  other  trees,  less  abundant  than  elsewhere,  were,  yet,  plentiful 
enough  for  ornament  and  shade;  and  this  had  led  to  the 
selection. 


498  SEVENTH  YEAR 

Near  the  centre  of  this  sylvan  saloon  was  the  table.  This  was 
eminent  for  strength  more  than  elegance ;  but  still  for  the  place, 
the  occasion,  and  the  company,  was  the  very  table.  Cabinet  work 
would  have  sorted  poorly  with  the  wildness.  The  table  was  one 
hundred  and  fifty  feet  long;  and  consisted  of  two-inch  planks  in 
double  layers,  resting  every  ten  feet  on  horizontal  pieces  of  sap- 
lings; which  in  turn  were  supported  by  strong  forked  saplings 
planted  several  feet  in  the  earth.  'Neither  nail  of  iron,  nor  peg  of 
wood,  confined  the  planks — they  reposed  by  their  own  gravity.  Yet 
an  unphilosophical  arrangement  of  fixins,  or  an  undue  resting  of 
plebian  arms  and  elbows  did,  now  and  then,  disturb  the  gravity 
of  the  table  in  places ;  and  that  disturbing  the  gravy  upset  also  the 
gravity  of  the  company — specially  the  ungreased  portion. 

Seats  differed  from  the  table  in  being  lower  and  not  .so  wide. 
They  ran  pretty  near  parallel  with  its  sides;  and  were  low 
enough,  that  our  mouths  be  as  near  the  food  as  possible — so  that 
if  the  legs  were  judiciously  disposed  under  the  table,  and  the 
head  properly  inclined  above,  the  contents  of  one's  plate  could  be 
shovelled  into  the  masticating  aperture  with  amazing  dexterity 
and  grace. 

On  each  side  of  the  table,  ten  feet  distant  and  at  intervals  of 
five  feet,  were  planted  in  the  earth  small  trees  with  all  their  green 
and  branching  tops ;  and  these  tops,  forced  together  and  tied  with 
bark-twines  over  the  table,  formed  a  romantic  arcade  seemingly 
of  living  trees  evoked  by  the  wand  of  enchantment  to  adorn  and 
shade ! 

Far  as  possible  from  the  arcade,  was  the  place  of  the  Barbecue 
Proper.  And  that  was  a  truly  gigantic  affair!  It  was  no  con- 
temptible smoke-jack,  steam-spit,  rotary-stove  contraption  to  cook 
a  morsel  of  meat  and  a  half  peck  of  potatoes  with  an  apron  of 
chips !  or  two  hands  full  of  saw-dust !  or  a  quart  of  charcoal !  It 
contemplated  no  f ricasee  for  two  or  three  guests  beside  the  family ! 
No!  no!  it  was  to  do  whole  pigs!  whole  sheep!  whole  calves! 
whole  turkeys !  whole  chickens !  and  for  a  whole  settlement — and 
all  other  settlements  invited  as  guests ! 

A  trench  was  cut  in  the  ground  some  twenty  feet  long,  four 
wide  and  three  deep!  And  that  trench  was  full  of  logs  lying  on 
brushwood,  all  to  be  set  on  fire  that  night,  that  a  mine  of  living 


SEVENTH  YEAR  499 

coals  be  ready  for  the  mornin's  cookery!  On  the  Fourth,  about 
day-light,  fresh  logs  and  brush  were  added ;  and  thus  in  due  time 
this  whole  kitchen  was  a  glowing  and  burning  mass ! 

Strips  of  nice  white  hickory  were,  at  cooking  time,  laid  at  in- 
tervals across  the  fiery  trench;  their  ends  resting  on  stones  or 
green  logs  along  the  edges  of  the  range,  and  thus  constituting  a 
clean,  simple,  and  most  gigantic  wooden  grid-iron.  And  then  the 
beasts  and  birds,  properly  cleaned,  skewered,  peppered,  salted  and 
so  on,  were  all  and  at  once,  spread  out  whole  over  the  mammoth 
hickory  iron;  each  creature  being  divided  longitudinally  on  its 
bosom  side !  And  each  was  kept  spread  out  by  hickory  pieces  or 
stretchers,  and  seasonably  turned  by  two  men,  on  opposite  sides, 
with  long  hickory  forks  and  pokers !  Never  such  a  cooking !  It 
seemed  as  all  the  edible  creatures  of  the  Purchase  had  taken  an 
odd  fit  to  come  and  be  barbecued  for  the  mere  fun  of  it! 

Nor  was  this  wholesale  barbecuing  deemed  sufficient!  During 
the  evening  of  the  third,  and  early  on  the  fourth,  backwoods- 
women  were  hourly  arriving  with  boiled  'hams,  loaves  of  wheat, 
pones,  pies,  tarts,  sorrel-pies,  Irish  potato-pies — and  things  un- 
known to  fashionable  gourmands  and  confectioners; — also,  meal 
in  bags,  and  baskets,  till  provisions  were  piled  in  kitchen,  and 
arbours,  and  carts  like — oh!  like — everything! 

Our  Fourth  was  ushered  by  the  roar  of  Hoosier  artillery — log- 
guns  done  by  boring  solid  trunks  with  a  two-inch  auger.  These 
filled  with  powder,  and  stopped  with  a  wooden  plug,  were  fired 
by  means  of  an  enormous  squib,  or  slow  match ;  and  made  a  very 
reasonable  noise  considering  they  could  rarely  be  fired  more  than 
once,  being  wonderfully  addicted  to  bursting !  The  day  itself  was 
bright  and  cloudless;  and  during  the  greatest  heat  we  were  so 
sheltered  under  the  grand  old  trees,  and  our  enchanted  arcade, 
as  not  to  be  oppressed;  while  the  river  flowed  below,  its  waters 
now  smooth  and  deep,  now  leaping  and  rustling  over  shoals,  and 
now  whirling  in  eddies  around  the  trunks  of  fallen  trees !  its  pure 
white  sands  looking  like  granulated  snows— till  the  very  sight 
was  refreshing! 

At  last,  three  beech-cannon,  our  signal  guns,  were  fired  and 
burst ;  when  the  procession  was  formed  on  the  cliff  and  in  the  very 
centre  of  Guzzleton — in  posse;  and  this — (the  procession,  not 


500  SEVENTH  YEAR 

the  posse)— consisted,  not  only  of  menbodies,  but  of  women- 
bodies  also;  since  true  woodsmen  wish  their  ladies  to  share  in 
all  that  is  pleasant  and  patriotic.  Then  headed  by  a  drum  and 
fife,  aided  by  the  triangle  already  celebrated,  and  with  as  many 
flags  flying  as  were  pocket-handkerchiefs  to  spread  out  and  wave 
on  poles,  we  took  up  the  line  of  march ;  we,  the  leading  citizens, 
who  were  to  read  and  speak;  and  then  the  common  and  uncom- 
mon citizens;  and  then  certain  independent  ladies:  and  then 
young  ladies  with  escorts ;  and  then  the  boys ;  and  then  finally  the 
rabble.  After  showing  ourselves  in  the  woods  and  bushes  along 
the  future  streets  of  Great  Guzzleton,  and  passing  the  store,  and 
the  tannery,  and  the  two  cabins,  we  descended  the  cliff  and 
marched  to  the  speaker's  scaffold  to  the  tune  of  Yankee  Doodle — 
or  something  tolerably  like  it ;  although  to-day  the  drum  beat  the 
other  instruments  hollow! 

The  literary  feast  ended,  we  again  formed  the  procession,  and 
marched  to  the  head  of  the  arcade,  while  the  music  very  judi- 
ciously played  "Love  and  Sausages."  There  halted,  our  lines 
were  separated,  and  duly  marshaled  each  proceeded  along  its  own 
side  of  the  table ;  when  at  a  signal  we  halted  again,  and  now  oppo- 
site one  another,  to  perform  "the  set  up."  And  this  delicate 
manoeuvre  was  very  handsomely  executed  by  all  that  wore  trou- 
sers; but  the  wearers  of  frocks  and  petticoats  showed  want  of 
drill,  making  an  undue  exhibit  of  white  thread  stockings  and 
yarn  garters.  In  some  places,  however,  active  and  skittish  maids 
stepped  first  on  to  the  seat,  and  then  with  an  adroit  movement  of 
one  hand,  as  in  going  to  milk  a  cow,  held  affairs  in  a  very  becom- 
ing tuck  till  the  blushing  damsels  were  safe  between  the  table 
and  the  seat. 

We  may  not  recount  our  jokes,  and  raillery,  and  tilting  of 
tables,  and  sinking  of  seats,  and  spilling  of  gravy,  and  upsetting 
of  water;  only  all  such  were  on  the  same  large  scale  that  best 
sorted  with  the  inartistical  and  undisciplined  world  around!  Tit 
for  tat,  and  even  butter  for  fat,  was  largely  done  that  day — and  in 
a  way  to  demolish  nice  bodies.  But  never  was  more  good  humour ! 
never  heartier  fellowship!  No  drunkenness,  however,  and  no 
profanity!  No  breaking  of  wine  glasses — no  singing  of  nasty 
songs — no  smoking  of  cigars — no  genteel  and  polished  doings  at 
all.  We  were  then  too  far  West  for  refinements ! 


SEVENTH  YEAR  501 

"No  reflections — Mr.  Carlton.  But  what  did  all  that  cost  and 
what  did  you  pay  for  a  ticket?" 

Cost ! — pay  for  a  ticket !  why  don't  you  know  ?  And  yet  how 
should  anybody  brought  up  where  they  sell  a  penneth  of  salad! 
and  pay  a  fippenny-bit  to  walk  in  a  garden  and  buy  tickets  to  hear 
sermons,  and  eat  temperance  dinners! — and  everything  costs 
something,  whether  to  eat,  or  drink,  or  smell,  or  touch,  or  look 
at ! — everything,  every  thing  except  preaching  and  teaching!  Cost ! 
why  nothing  in  the  sense  you  mean.  All  was  a  contribution — a 
gift — everybody  did  it — and  everybody  ate  and  drank  that  was 
invited,  and  everybody  that  was  not  invited ! 

"But  it  was  a  great  labour!" 

To  be  sure  it  was.  But  what  to  a  woodsman  is  labour  with  the 
rifle  and  the  axe  ?  A  single  shot  killed  each  victim  for  the  hickory- 
ism  ;  and  a  few  flourishes  of  the  axe  felled  trees  and  saplings  for 
fuels,  seats,  tables,  and  arcades. 

"What's  the  use  of  a  Barbecue  any  how  ?" 

Well,  its  uses  to  Guzzleton  may  be  mentioned  in  some  other 
work.  But  we  answer  now  by  asking: — Has  not  a  man,  who 
ranges  in  a  wide  forest  untrammelled  by  artificial  forms,  an  invin- 
cible love  of  freedom? — Will  not  he  who  feasts  like  Homer's 
heroes  despise  the  meannesses  of  a  huckster's  life? — Can  he  be 
content  to  live  on  alms  of  broken  meat  and  filthy  crumbs? — Is 
there  much  hope  of  subduing  men  whose  pastimes  are  to  the 
effeminate,  labours! 

And,  dear  reader,  out  there  the  noble  Declaration  of  Inde- 
pendence itself,  when  properly  read  and  commented  on  as  to-day 
by  John  Glenville,  has  an  effect  on  backwoodsmen,  such  as  is 
rarely  felt  now  in  here !  Oh !  could  you  have  seen  Domore,  and 
Ned  Stanley,  and  old  man  Ashmore,  and  Tom  Robinson,  rise  at 
one  or  two  places  and  clench  their  rifles  convulsively — and  with 
tearful  eyes  and  quivering  lips  stand  intently  gazing  on  the  face  of 
that  reader ! — oh !  could  you  have  heard  the  enthusiastic  cries,  at 
the  close,  that  came  warm  bursting  from,  the  very  hearts  of  our 
congregation,  men,  and  women  and  children — then  would  you 
have  deemed  perilous  the  attempt  to  put,  by  force,  a  yoke  on  such 
necks  I1  Vain  the  belief  that  our  native  woodsmen  can  be  tamed  ! 

1 A  worthy  tribute  to  the  free  democratic  spirit  of  the  west  and  to 
the  political  influence  of  the  Declaration  of  Independence. 


502  SEVENTH  YEAR 

Numbers  may,  perchance,  have  destroyed  their  forest  bulwarks — 
but  in  the  doing,  woodsmen  and  their  foes  would  all  have  fallen 
down  slain  together! 

I  only  add  that  notwithstanding  the  continuous  feasting  of 
many  hundreds  for  four  or  five  hours,  large  quantities — nay,  heaps 
of  provisions,  were  left;  and  that  these  in  the  spirit  of  native 
western  hospitality,  were  divided  among  the  poorer  of  the  guests, 
who  carried  away  with  them  food  enough  for  a  week. 

The  day  passed  without  any  important  accident  or  lasting  anger. 
It  was,  indeed,  very  like  the  colour  and  thrill  of  visions  in  my 
dreaming  age!  I  have  pic-nicked  in  pretty  places,  and  with 
amiable  and  excellent  people — I  have  heard  sweet  music  and 
merry  laughter  in  the  graceful  and  dwarfish  groves  of  the  east — 
but  the  thrill  came  not  there!  My  poor,  foolish  fancy  wanders 
then  far  away  off  to  that  wild  plateau  of  the  Silver  River,  and 
sighs  for  the  sylvan  life  of  that  rude  Barbecue ! 


CHAPTER  LXIV. 

"Eloquar  an  sileam?" 

"Out  with  it,  sir!" 

"Spectatum  admissi  risum  teneatis?" 

"You  won't  laugh  then?" 

CLARENCE'S  prediction  to  Harwood  was  soon  verified.  One 
member  of  the  Faculty  being  ingeniously  managed  according  to 
the  sensitiveness  of  his  temper,  the  other  was  to  be  dealt  with  on 
the  first  fair  opportunity.  Our  worthy  President  aimed  now  to 
be  the  Government;  in  humble  imitation  of  dear  old  President 
Hickory  face — but  not  by  the  same  means.  Hence  he  now  treated 
Harwood  as  a  child,  and  began  to  represent  him  as  lacking  manly 
judgment;  and  secretly,  like  Ulysses,  by  asking  insidious,  ensnar- 
ing, and  doubt  engendering  questions. 

At  last  a  noble  and  ingenuous  young  man  refused  to  acquiesce 
in  an  unnecessary  and  arbitrary  change  of  arrangement  for  an 
exhibition,  having  previously  received  a  solemn  pledge  from  the 
President  that  the  change  should  not  be  made;  and  that  change 


SEVENTH  YEAR  503 

being,  notwithstanding,  now  made  and, — without  the  consent  of 
the  Faculty.  On  this,  the  Government  and  without  any  confer- 
ence with  his  cabinet,  pronounced  in  public  an  immediate  sentence 
of  dismission  on  young  Heartly.  But  in  this  the  Faculty  neither 
could  nor  would  concur;  since  the  President  had  first  violated  a 
solemn  promise,  and  then  out  of  revenge  wished  to  inflict  sum- 
marily a  very  disproportionate  punishment.  Hence,  Harwood  not 
only  refused  to  acquiesce  in  a  hasty  decision,  but  he  in  private 
even  earnestly  remonstrated  with  the  Doctor;  after  which  Har- 
wood saw  Heartly  and  advised  him  not  to  leave  Woodville  till 
regularly  and  legally  ordered  so  to  do  by  the  Faculty. 

Well,  this  was  just  what  the  worthy  President  desired;  and  he 
forthwith,  both  publicly  and  privately,  denounced  usher  Har- 
wood as  having  rebelled  against  the  Government!  Nay!  as  guilty 
of  resistance  and  ingratitude  to  his  father !  And,  therefore,  Har- 
wood himself  must  and  should  leave  the  College!  He  declared, 
and  in  no  measured  terms,  that  it  was  High  Treason  in  Mr.  H.  to 
visit  a  dismissed  student;  and  then — the  President  himself,  that 
very  day,  did  visit  the  same  dismissed  student,  and  implore  him 
to  remain,  saying  he  never  would  have  suspended  him  had  he  not 
been  secretly  advised  so  to  do  by  Harwood  himself! 

This  placed  our  learned  men  in  what  is  called  hot  water;  and 
gave  us  a  beautiful  illustration  of  the  scriptural  sentiment,  "how 
beautiful  a  thing  it  is  for  brethren  to  dwell  together  in  unity !" 

Harwood  as  yet  believed  no  plan  was  laid  for  his  overthrow. 
He  thought  the  Doctor  was  sorry  for  his  haste,  as  he  both  in 
public  and  private,  professed  to  be,  himself  attributing  his  own 
rashness  and  forgetf ulness  to  the  disordered  state  of  his  nerves ; 
and,  as  young  Heartly  had  by  the  Doctor's  own  decree,  been  re- 
instated. Still  rumors  were  afloat  that  mischief  was  brewing. 
Harwood,  however,  uttered  no  threat  and  laid  no  plans  either  of 
attack  or  defence,  but  was,  as  usual,  wholly  and  laboriously  busy 
with  the  duties  of  his  office.  He  rarely,  in  truth,  taught  less  than 
five  hours  a  day,  and  oftener  more  than  six ! 

On  the  contrary,  the  President  true  to  his  favourite  rule, 
that  his  main  duty  was  "to  watch  and  administer  the  discipline," 
rarely  taught  more  than  One  Hour  a  day;  and  that,  sometimes, 
on  horseback !  Hence  he  had  abundant  leisure  to  exercise,  as  he 
termed  it,  "parental  care  and  government  over  all!" 


504  SEVENTH  YEAR 

The  extent  and  mode  of  this  care  and  government  may  be  un- 
derstood by  what  was  afterwards  called  in  the  Purchase  "the 
Celebrated  Saturday." 

On  that  day  Harwood,  just  before  the  bell  for  morning  exer- 
cises in  College,  when  all  the  Students  and  all  the  Faculty  statedly 
assembled  for  certain  duties,  knocked  at  the  door  of  Little  Col- 
lege, and  thus,  in  evident  perturbation,  addressed  Mr.  Clarence: — 

"Clarence !  something  is  brewing,  I  do  believe" — 

"Why!" 

"The  Doctor  has  sent  for  eight  or  ten  Students  for  a  body 
guard !" 

"A  body  guard ! — against  what  ?" 

"I  can't  imagine:  the  Mantons  were  asked — and  Bloduplex 
told  them  he  was  in  fear  of  some  violence,  and  asked  their  aid  in 
protecting  him.  One  brother  went;  the  other  declined,  and  has 
just  now  given  me  the  information.  What  can  the  man  be  about?" 

"Your  ruin !  But  why  does  so  large  and  able  bodied  a  man  ask 
for  a  guard,  and  in  addition  to  his  sword-cane?  or  why  does  he 
not  apply  to  the  civil  authority  ?  Hark !  there's  the  bell — 

"Yes!  and  see! — there,  sure  enough,  is  Bloduplex  coming  not 
only  with  his  sword-cane,  but  with  at  least  twelve  of  the  Students 
around  him!  What  is  he  driving  at?" 

"Let  us  go — we  shall  soon  find  out?" 

All  now  entered  the  Hall  and  took  their  places.  The  Faculty 
as  usual  ascended  the  Rostrum;  where  the  Government  took  his 
customary  central  seat,  between  Clarence  on  his  right  and  Har- 
wood on  his  left.  And  then,  immediately  after  Prayer!  solemnly 
and  tearfully  done  by  the  venerable  Pedagogue,  that  curious  per- 
sonage commenced  as  follows : 

"My  dear — (mellow  voice) — children: — For  I  must  call  you 
children, — I  shall  not  pursue  the  ordinary  course  of  our  duties 
to-day.  Instead  of  that  I  design  to  go  into  a  full  explanation  of 
the  nature  and  propriety  of  my  government.  But  as  some  things, 
by  certain  persons,  have  been  said  against  that  government,  I  beg 
leave  to  read  to  you  first,  my  d\ear  children,  a  few  out  of  very 
many  papers  and  testimonials  in  my  possession,  to  shew  you  what 
good  judges  in  other  places  have  thought  about  me  as  a  President, 
and  what  they  do  yet  think." — (Here  the  President  read  his  cer- 


SEVENTH  YEAR  505 

tificates,  consisting  of  official  dismissions  from  sundry  ecclesiasti- 
cal and  literary  bodies,  and  several  highly  laudatory  letters  and 
notes  from  former  pupils ;  and  among  them  a  very  eulogistic  one 
from  the  Hon.  Stulty  Pistolpoop,  who  probably  admired  the 
Clergyman's  sword-cane-propensities:  the  effect  of  all  which  docu- 
ments being  very  happy  on  the  Judges — the  Students  now  seated 
below  as  a  court  of  appeals — and  making  them,  for  a  time,  think 
their  Father  the  Government  was  really  as  great  and  good  a  man 
as  he  was  cracked  up  to  be), — "And  so  you  see  my  dear  children 
(voice  very  tender) — may  I  not  consider  myself  after  all  this 
competent  to  the  government  of  this  college  ? 

"But  I  wish  now  to  say  that  my  system  is  wholly  parental.  It 
is  not  regulated  by  printed  or  written  rules  and  laws,  or  by  the 
precedents  of  other  colleges,  where  some  people  have  imbibed 
arbitrary  notions;  no,  the  parental  system  is  that  of  a  father  in 
governing  his  family — it  depends  on  circumstances — it  differs  with 
cases.  Some  Faculties  govern  only  by  rules — rebvking,  suspend- 
ing, expelling,  according  to  the  letter.  They  will  take  no  pains  to 
discriminate ;  they  fix  the  iron  bed  and  stretch  out  and  lop  off  till 
every  one  is  made  to  fit.  Is  that  right,  my  DEAR  children? — 
(Several  of  the  Court  of  Appeals  cried  out  'No!  it  is  not') — No, 
indeed,  it  is  not :  and  persons  that  thus  govern  are  not  fit  to  govern 
— are  they?" — (No! — from  the  tribunal  below.) — "Deeply  do  I 
regret  to  say  that  the  worthy  gentlemen  of  the  Faculty  seated  on 
my  right  and  left  do  not  agree  with  me  in  these  views;  for  in- 
stance, Professor  Clarence  would  have  urged  me  to  discipline  Mr. 
Smith  according  to  rule " 

Here  Mr.  C.  interrupted 

"Doctor  Bloduplex  I  cannot  submit  to  this  public  insult  and 
injustice " 

"Sit  down,  sir — don't  interrupt  me,  sir !" 

"I  will  not  sit  down  till  I  explain " 

"Mr.  Clarence  you  may  speak  when  I  am  done." 

"Well,  sir,  go  on;  but  do  not  endeavour  to  prejudice  the  minds 
of  these  young  men  against  me." 

The  reverend  President  went  on ;  and,  although  he  alluded  re- 
peatedly to  Mr.  C.  and  named  many  private  and  confidential  mat- 
ters to  his  prejudice,  that  gentleman  concluded  to  let  the  person- 


506  SEVENTH  YEAR 

age    have    rope    enough    to    hang    himself    metaphorically    or, 
otherwise. 

"Well  now,  my  dear  children, — (voice  thrilling)  let  me  imagine 
a  case  of  parental  government,  and  propose  it  for  your  considera- 
tion and  vote.  Suppose  a  young  man,  rash  and  without  judgment, 
was  to  pursue  a  rebellious  course  against  a  President  and  Father 
of  a  college ;  and  that  after  every  means  of  private  rebuke — yes  I 
— (voice  sobby) — after  earnest  and  affectionate  entreaty ; — (voice 
breaking) — yes!  and  suppose  after — (sob) — his  Father — (sob, 
sob,) — had  even  shed  tears  over  him;" — (Here  irrepressible  sobs 
and  tears  for  a  few  moments  choked  the  Government ;  and  many 
of  the  judges  wept  out  audibly) — "Suppose  the  poor  rebel's  Father 
should  drop  on  his  knees  before  the  ungrateful  boy,  I  now  kneel 
before  you!" — (The  Government  now  dropped  on  both  knees  on 
the  floor  of  the  rostrum,  in  open  view  of  all  the  students) — "and 
should  weep  before  him!" — (Here  a  gush  of  many  tears  burst 
from  the  wretched  man — and  weeping  was  audible,  all  over  the 
court  below) — "And  shoujd,  with  his  hands  imploringly  clasped 
thus — (action  to  word) — entreat  and  beseech  that  poor  rebellious 
child ! — And  suppose  that  child,  while  his  Father  was  thus  on  his 
knees ! — thus  imploring ! — thus  weeping ! — oh !  suppose  that  child 
should  spit  in  his  Father's  face ! — ought  not  that  wicked  child  to 
be  instantly  cut  off  from  college  and  expelled  from  it  forever  ?" 

"Yes !  yes !  he  ought,  he  ought !" — was  answered  by  many,  if  not 
all  the  Students:  upon  which  the  Government,  still  kneeling  and 
with  hands  in  an  imploring  attitude,  cried  out  with  great  tender- 
ness and  gratitude,  thus : 

"Thank  you,  my  dear  children — thank  you !" — Then  rising  from 
his  knees,  the  miserable  Government  sank  back  exhausted  with 
his  exercises — (and  they  were  pretty  severe) — into  his  central 
seat,  and  hiding  his  face — (properly  enough) — in  his  hands,  he 
remained  thus  some  moments,  sobbing  and  recovering;  perhaps 
considering  the  next  act.  Hence,  taking  advantage  of  this  pause 
between  the  acts,  we  will  enlighten  the  reader  as  to  some  matters. 

Be  it  known  then,  that  the  rebellious  and  wicked  young  dog 
represented  by  our  Grand  Actor,  was  intended  to  be  Professor 
Harwood!  But  none  of  the  tender  scene  had  ever  occurred  in 
private ;  although  the  Actor  wished  the  audience  to  think  so.  Oa 


SEVENTH  YEAR  507 

the  contrary,  when  our  Professors  respectfully  yet  earnestly  had 
remonstrated  against  the  haste  and  illegality  of  Mr.  Heartly's  dis- 
mission by  the  sole  act  of  the  President,  Doctor  Bloduplex  had 
fallen  into  an  outrageous  fit  of  anger:  nay,  raising  his  clenched 
fist,  he  had  stamped  with  fury  on  the  floor  of  his  study,  and  ex- 
claimed— "I  care  nothing  for  the  Faculty  or  the  Board  of  Trustees 
— I  will  stamp  them  under  my  feet!" 

Some  may  think  the  acting  described  thus  far  must  have  injured 
the  actor  himself.  But,  gentle  reader,  it  was  done  to  the  very  life ! 
Clarence  said,  he  should  have  been  deceived  himself,  had  he  not 
discerned  the  hoofs  and  the  tail.  Had  the  performer  confined 
himself  to  his  rehearsed  parts,  and  not  ventured  on  a  certain  ex- 
temporaneous playing  to  be  named  presently,  Harwood  and  Clar- 
ence would  have  encountered  that  day  a  tempest  in  the  outcries  of 
the  Students,  which  must  have  immediately  driven  them  from 
their  offices — perchance  with  bloody  noses,  black  eyes  and  cracked 
pates ! 

Let  a  band  of  generous  young  men,  a  little  inclined  to  the 
mobocratical  tendencies  of  the  New  Purchase,  fully  believe  all 
that  a  venera'ble  and  not  ill  looking  clergyman  tells  them ;  let  them 
once  think  that  such  a  man  did  kneel  to  his  junior,  and  dehort 
with  tears,  and  at  that  moment  was  basely  struck  and  spit  upon 
by  that  youth,  and  there  is  no  act  of  violence  to  which  such  an 
excited  and  indignant  company  may  not  be  led  or  coaxed. 

For  a  while  our  Professors  sat  as  in  a  dream!  So  curiously 
wonderful  was  that  act  in  the  drama  of  their  lives !  Clarence  says, 
he  was  busy  awhile,  with  a  contrast  between  the  oddity  on  his 
knees  before  them,  and  gentlemen  and  men  like  Witherspoon,  and 
Ludlow,  and  Day,  and  Nott,  and  Smith,  and  Carnahan,  and  Green ! 
Harwood,  the  hard  hearted  rascal !  he  sat  with  such  a  lip  and  nose 
of  Kentucky  scorn! — but  soon,  as  was  his  habit,  when  having 
nothing  to  do,  he  began  strapping  a  round-ended  blade  of  an  old 
pocket  knife  on  his  boot — said  boot  tastefully  reposing  on  the 
knee  of  the  other  leg! 

Reader— that  very  knife  cut  the  thread  of  our  Actor's  intended 
speech  ?  Happily  it  was  fit  for  that  kind  of  cutting,  but  for  no 
other :  even  if  heated  it  would  barely  have  cut  butter !  That  blade 
was  springless !  pointless  !  edgeless !  I  have  handled  it  an  hundred 


508  SEVENTH  YEAR 

times.  Oh!  Bloduplex!  had  it  been  a  dirk!  a  Spanish  blade!  a 
Mississippi  tooth-pick ! — what  grandeur  in  that  attitude !  that  look 
of  horror!  that  piercing  thrill  of  thy  outcry!  when  starting  from 
thy  sobs  and  tears,  on  catching  sight  of  that  funny  old  knife 
through  thy  parted  fingers,  thou  didst  thus  exclaim  and  appeal  to 
the  Students: 

"Young  gentlemen ! — take  notice — there  is  a  knife  open  at  my 
left  side ! — and  I  know  not  for  what  purpose !" 

"Doctor  Bloduplex !" — cried  Clarence — "no  harm  is  threatened 
— I  know  that  knife — it  is  entirely  worthless — and  that  is  Har- 
wood's  habit — I  have  seen  him  do  it  in  church! 

Here  something  sticking  in  the  Government's  throat,  he  ejected 
from  his  mouth  a  gob  right  at  Clarence's  feet,  and  then  went  on : 

"I  have  reason,  my  children,  to  fear  Mr.  Harwood;  and  to 
protect  myself,  I  asked  some  of  you  to  guard  me  to  day !  It  was 
natural,  then,  I  should  dread  a  knife  so  near  me;  but  I  did  not 
mean  to  insinuate  he  had  it  out  for  a  bad  purpose  (!) — I  only 
meant  to  teach  him  how  impolite1  it  is  to  be  thus  playing  with 
hisknife.(!!)" 

Affairs  were  now  a  little  disordered :  although  to  the  Professors 
it  was  plain  this  thrust  at  the  knife  had  hurt  the  Government  more 
than  the  worst  thrust  from  it  could  ever  have  done.  Clarence 
then  rose  to  make  his  defence  before  the  Court  of  Appeals. 

"Young  gentlemen,"  dixit  ille,  "we  have  witnessed  a  scene  both 
amazing  and  surprising;  hence  I  shall  be  easily  credited  in  saying 
I  have  no  preparation  for  it " 

The  President  interrupted — "If  Mr.  Clarence  means  to  insinuate 
that  7  had  made  any  preparation,  he  shall  not  speak " 

"Sir" — rejoined  the  other — I  will  speak;  and  I  will  repeat  that 
I  have  no  preparation.  Further,  let  the  Students  notice  that  sur- 
prised and  amazed  I  am,  but  not  in  a  passion :  nay  that  I  am  calm 
and,  therefore,  competent  to  make  a  statement  of  all  facts  which, 
directly  and  indirectly  the  President  of  the  Faculty  has  seen  fit  to 
bring  and  lay  before  this  school.  But  why  he  wishes  to  involve 
me  is  wonderful,  as  I  have  already  resigned  my  office,  and  am 
only  to  remain,  by  contract,  for  a  few  months."  Accordingly, 

1  Spitting  at  a  Professor's  feet  is  what?— In  this  case  Satan  correcting 
Sin. 


SEVENTH  YEAR  509 

and  spite  of  re-repeated  and  brutal  interruptions  from  the  Govern- 
ment, Clarence  made  his  statements  and  ceased,  and  then  arose 
Harwood,  and  commenced  as  follows: 

"Gentlemen,  Professor  Clarence  has  said  he  is  not  angry ;  but  it 
would  be  wrong  in  me  not  to  be  angry  and  indignant,  too.  Doctor 
Constant  Bloduplex,  with  all  the  authority  of  his  clerical  and 
official  station,  has  openly  and  publicly  accused  me  of  a  design  to 
assassinate  him!  and  seeks  thus,  as  far  as  he  can,  to  destroy  my 
moral  character " 

"I  did  not  accuse  you,  sir!" — said  the  President. 

"Not  in  so  many  words,  Doctor,  but  you  did  insinuate,  and  you 
intended  by  your  whole  manner  and  your  words  to  insinuate  as 
much." 

"I  did  not." 

"You  did,  sir; — you  did!  And  now,  as  you  have  put  several 
things  to  the  vote  of  the  Students  to-day,  I  insist  on  putting  this 
matter  to  vote;  and  if  the  Students  acquit  you  of  ?vil  intention 
I  will  yield  the  point." 

"Agreed,"  instantly  replied  the  Doctor.  Alas!  did  he  not  see 
the  tears  of  the  Students  had  dried  away?  Or  dared  he  not 
refuse? 

Harwood,  then,  very  distinctly  stated  the  question,  thus: 

"All  the  Students  who  believe  that  Doctor  Bloduplex  did  not 
insinuate  that  I  had  out  my  knife  to  stab  him,  affirm  that  belief 
by  saying — yes." 

Not  a  voice  responded ! 

"All  the  Students  who  believe  that  Doctor  Bloduplex  did  in- 
sinuate that  I  had  out  my  knife  to  stab  him,  affirm  that  belief  by 
saying — yes." 

"Yes — yes — yes!" — from  twenty  voices;  and  from  one  louder 
than  the  rest— "Yes!  I'll  be  d if  he  didn't!" 

"There,  sir!" — said  now  Harwood  to  the  delinquent  Govern- 
ment— "You  well  know  you  meant  your  remark  for  an  insinua- 
tion ;  and  sir,  it  was  a  base  insinuation !" 

To  this  the  President  vouschafed  no  reply.  And  he  stopped  all 
further  preceedings  by  running  down  from  the  Rostrum  and  re- 
treating to  the  far  side  of  the  Hall,  where  he  declared  himself  now 
afraid  of  Harwood,  and  said  he  wished  to  be  surrounded  by  the 


510  SEVENTH  YEAR 

Students!  And  then,  after  abusing  the  Professors,  he  cried  out 
"let  all  the  Students  who  are  in  my  favour  follow  me  to  my 
house ;"  when  he  hurried  forth,  followed  by  a  few. 

Had  now  our  two  Professors  gone  home !  But  "evil  communi- 
cations corrupt  good  manners;"  and  so  imitating  the  Parental 
System,  they,  forsooth,  must  have  a  little  talk  with  the  Students ! 
— many  of  whom  remained.  They  did  not  say  much,  indeed ;  yet 
Harwood  was  imprudent  enough  to  say  there  "Bloduplex  is  a 
Liar!"  Nay!  the  same  impertinent  language  both  Professors 
used  afterwards,  the  same  day,  to  the  citizens  of  the  village !  And 
for  this  frightful  and  outrageous  insolence  Harwood  was  shortly 
after  excommunicated  from  the  Commission  of  the  Church!2 
True,  Harwood  had  a  dreadful  provocation ; — but  what  right  had 
he  to  twist  and  squirm  about  when  a  Holy  and  Reverend  Man 
stamped  upon  him  ?  Why  did  he  not,  like  an  humble  worm,  crawl 
back  wounded  into  his  hole?  True,  Harwood  offered  to  bring 
Clarence,  and  twenty  Students,  to  prove  the  truth  of  the  libel ;  but 
"no"  said  Bishop  Bloduplex,  who  himself  presided,  and  advo- 
cated, and  judged  on  the  trial,  in  the  inferior  court — "no;  the 
greater  the  truth  the  greater  the  libel :  and  let  him  thus  be  taught 
not  to  slander  and  abuse  a  clergyman !" 

Ay,  and  true  it  was,  that  Professor  Clarence  was  summoned 
before  our  Grand  Jury,  and  on  solemn  oath  declared,  that  to  the 
best  of  his  knowledge  and  belief  there  was  not  the  slightest 
ground  for  believing  that  Mr.  Harwood  intended  on  that  Satur- 
day to  assassinate  Doctor  Constant  Bloduplex!  But  what  right 
had  a  mere  layman  to  a  character?  What  right  to  defend  himself, 
by  saying  indignantly  that  the  accusation  of  Doctor  B.  was  mali- 
cious and  false? — What 

"Well,  but  Mr.  Carlton,  did  not  the  higher  ecclesiastical  court 
take  up  the  case  against  Bloduplex  on  Fama  Clamosaf — did  not 
the  officers  and  members  of  his  own  parish  lay  the  matter  before 
a  bench  of  Bishops?" 

2  Later  Professor  Harney  left  the  Presbyterian  church  and  joined  a 
small  sect  known  as  the  Wilderites.  Afterwards  he  became  an  Inde- 
pendent and  for  some  time  preached  in  Louisville.  A  short  time  before 
his  death  he  was  received  into  the  Episcopal  church.  T.  A.  Wylie's 
Hist,  of  Ind.  Univ.  p.  104. 


SEVENTH  YEAR  511 

No!  dear  reader,  no:  but  consider,  he  was  the  only  Doctor  of 
Divinity  in  the  whole  Purchase !  He  was  too  enormous  a  Big-Bug 
— and  the  sting  of  such  is  sometimes  fatal ! 

"Mr.  Carlton,  what  did  the  President  with  the  Students  that 
went  with  him?" 

Well,  several  of  his  body-guard  told  the  author,  and  gave  Mr. 
Clarence  written  certificates  to  the  same  purport,  that  "early  on 
Saturday  morning  the  President  had  sent  for  and  told  them  ex- 
pressly he  was  afraid  of  Harwood,  and  wished  them  to  protect 
him  from  violence ; — that  they  then  believed  him,  and,  indeed,  until 
the  knife  scene  was  presented; — that  afterwards  they  went  back 
with  the  Doctor,  but  only  to  hear  what  else  he  would  say ; — that 
at  his  house  the  President  treated  them  with  cakes  and  wine ; — a 
full  hour  in  ridiculing  and  burlesquing  his  character,  and  pro- 
nounced him  in  all  respects  incompetent  to  the  office  of  Professor 
of  Languages,"  &c. 

Any  more  questions,  reader? 

"No,  indeed,  we  have  heard  enough." 

So  I  had  begun  to  think.  Here,  then,  let  us  end  our  cele- 
brated Saturday — a  day  memorable  enough,  to  be  the  Last  of  our 
Seventh  Year. 


CHAPTER  LXV. 
CONCLUDING  Six  MONTHS. 


"That  such  a  slave  as  this  should  wear  a  sword !" 

Ha!  I  see  the  light  of  a  Clearing!  a  little  further,  and  we 

are  through  this  Romance  of  the  Forest! 

Beautiful  the  fresh  green  of  our  opening  spring !  Glorious  the 
wild  flowers  and  blossoms,  exhaling  their  odours  to  the  air !  Grand 
as  ever  the  dark,  solemn,  boundless  forest!  Full  of  awe,  yon 
swollen  water!  bearing  through  the  desert  wood,  on  its  raging 
bosom,  an  hundred  branching  trees,  and,  here  and  there,  the  shat- 
tered fragments  of  a  rude  cabin! 


512  CONCLUDING  SIX  MONTHS 

Hark ! — ah !  it  is  the  piteous  cooing  of  our  wood  doves !  And 
hark! — there! — yes,  scamper  away,  you  little  grey  gaffer,  and 
peep  from  the  dense  foliage  of  that  lofty  sugar-top!  I  knew 
it  was  you  squealing  your  cunning  song.  Fear  not !  shady-tail — 
my  rifle  is  at  home — I  have  no  heart  to  shoot  you  now !  There ! 
cracks  the  brush! — I  see  you — leap  not  away!  bounding,  timid 
deer!  Stay  and  graze  the  early  buds  and  tender  twigs  of  yon 
thicket — I  am  no  more  your  foe! 

Yes!  there  is  a  clearing  ahead!  A  short  moment  more  and  I 
leave  you,  oh !  deep  and  dark  ravine,  where  I  have  been  so  often 
buried  in  solitude ! — and  you,  oh !  beetling  cliff,  with  dizzy  brow, 
frowning  over  the  secret  waters  so  many  hundred  feet  below ! 
And  am  I  so  soon  to  leave  you  all — and,  for  ever?  Ah!  if  I 
revisit  the  Purchase,  you,  enchanting  trees,  will  be  prostrate! — 
you,  merry  squirrels  and  timid  deer,  will  have  fled ! — you,  solemn 
ravine,  will  be  desecrated  with  wide  and  beaten  roads!  Alas! 
the  secret  waters  will  lie  open  then  to  the  public  gaze! — the  tall 
cliff  be  stripped  of  its  grove ! — and  the  solitary  cabin  there  of  Ned 
Stanley,  be  supplanted  by  the  odious,  pretending,  and  smirking 
house  of  brick  and  mortar! — alas! — 

"Mr.  Carlton !— Mr.  Carlton ! !— Mr.  Carlton ! ! !" 

Sir!— Sir!! 

"We  shall  never  get  out  of  the  woods  at  this  rate." 

Thank  you,  dear  reader!  I  forgot  myself — I  was  away  in  the 
spirit  amid  the  apparitions  of  innocent  joys  long  dead.  Let  us 
return,  then,  to  history. 

Before  resuming  literary  topics,  we  must  say  a  word  of  what 
happened  some  weeks  ago  to  the  firm  of  Glenville  and  Carlton: 
and  which  dissolved  our  partnership,  and  sent  Glenville  to  the 
Farther  West,  and  Carlton alas!  whither? 

My  partner,  in  early  days,  had  "put  his  name  to  paper;"  a  se- 
curity, as  he  supposed,  but  making  himself  liable  as  a  partner. 
Notes  were  given  to  pay  for  produce:  and  this  was  loaded  and 
floated  to  Orleans,  and  there  sold  at  a  fair  profit.  But,  by  a 
singular  negligence,  the  gentleman  entrusted  with  the  boats,  and 
pork,  corn,  lard,  tallow,  and  hoop-poles,  never  came  back  with 
the  money!  And  hence  the  merchants  failing,  the  holders  of 
their  notes  got  nothing  for  their  paper !  For  many  long  years,  this 


CONCLUDING  SIX  MONTHS  513 

paper  lay  quiet  and  slumbering — till  a  lawyer  suddenly  appeared  in 
the  woods — and  the  repose  of  the  notes  was  broken.  And  so 
was  that  of  Glenville !  The  holders  were  now  taught  for  "a  con- 
sideration," how  to  come  upon  the  security — especially  as  he, 
after  a  long  and  doubtful  struggle  had  got  above  the  waves,  and 
was  swimming  in  comparative  comfort. 

The  security  was,  therefore,  advised  very  unexpectedly  of  his 
insecurity:  and,  in  the  next  moment,  stripped  of  all  his  hard 
earned  possessions,  he  was  soused  naked  into  that  very  figurative 
and  deeply  poetical  sea — a  Sea  of  Troubles!  Now,  folks  inti- 
mately connected  with;  others,  rarely  take  that  metaphorical 
plunge,  without  ducking  their  associates:  hence,  down  went  Mr. 
Carlton  into  the  deep  waters,  from  which  emerging  for  a  sniff 
of  air,  he  saw  most  of  his  external  good  things  swept  away  by 
the  torrent! 

Mr.  Carlton's  work,  therefore,  for  the  six  months  under  con- 
sideration, was  that  most  vexatious  and  profitless  Hnd  of  twist- 
ing called  winding-up.  Suppose  me,  then,  hard  at  work,  turning 
the  windlass  or  some  other  figured  crank  of  the  Wind-up-business, 
while  we  go  on  to  wind-up  also  the  story  of  the  College :  and  then 
Clarence,  and  the  rest  of  us,  like  other  phantasms  of  our  drama, 
disappear — perhaps,  for  ever ! 

After  the  Saturday,  our  Literati  continued  their  labours, — the 
Government  minding  the  discipline, — the  Professors,  the  teach- 
ing. Except  some  official  intercourse,  all  other  was  at  an  end: 
for  the  Professors  were  for  keeping  out  of  harm's  way,  and  not 
only  avoided  all  sayings  and  doings  in  company  of  the  President, 
but  even  looking  at  or  towards  him  out  of  the  tail  of  an  eye. 

Generally,  the  students  remained  neutral :  but  the  young  gentle- 
men belonging  to  the  governmental  party,  did  very  good  service 
as  partisans.  Among  other  things,  they,  one  dark  night,  girdled 
all  Clarence's  flourishing  and  ornamental  trees  set  out  by  him  years 
before,  around  little  College; — they  cut  off  his  beautiful  wood- 
bines, twining  up  frames  around  his  doors  and  windows — and  at 
other  times,  they  destroyed  his  garden  fence,  and  admitted  or 
turned  a  herd  of  swine  into  the  too  exuberant  fruits  and  vege- 
tables— not  to  name  other  civilized  feats  unknown  before  to 
Hoosier  young  men. 


514  CONCLUDING  SIX  MONTHS 

Harwood  did  not  share  these  compliments — not  because  less  re- 
spected— but  more  feared.  Kind  and  gentle  as  a  great  mastiff, 
still  he  was  not  all  patience :  and,  once  aroused,  he  would  not  have 
scrupled  to  shake  well  in  his  staunch  jaws,  the  sneaking  whelps 
and  genteel  curs,  so  annoying  to  his  clerical  neighbour.  Well,  in- 
deed, might  Bloduplex  have  been  in  awe  of  that  Kentucky  spirit, 
had  it  ever  dreamed  of  doing  him  harm!  True,  Bloduplex 
always,  now,  went  armed — his  sword  sheathed  in  a  cane! — ma- 
liciously pretending  that  Harwood  intended  to  whip  him! — poor 
defence!  had  the  Professor  once  seriously  undertaken  to  give 
him,  what  he  so  richly  deserved — a  hiding! 

And  yet,  accidentally,  these  belligerents  once  met,  and  Harwood 
was  upset.  First,  however,  be  it  remembered,  our  side-walk,  for 
a  mile,  was  paved  with  wood,  not  chemically,  but  mechanically :  a 
line  of  hewed  logs  ran  from  the  Colleges  to  the  centre  of  Wood- 
ville.  This  pave  was  used  in  miry  times — until  anybody  received 
two  severe  falls  after  which  he  stuck  to  the  mud-way  of  the 
vulgar  road.  Now,  it  was  the  custom,  when  two  peaceful  Chris- 
tians were  about  to  meet,  for  the  more  active  to  hasten  to  the 
end  of  his  log,  and,  stepping  aside  to  an  adjacent  block  or  stone, 
there  remain  till  the  superior,  or  lady,  had  passed. 

Well,  one  Sabbath  morning,  Harwood  was  going  full  tilt  up 
town,  to  visit  a  sick  relative,  and,  being  on  the  logway,  he  dis- 
cerned advancing  from  the  opposite  direction,  Doctor  Bloduplex. 
Accordingly,  he  hurried  on  to  reach,  by  the  laws  of  our  etiquette, 
the  step-out  place — but,  alas!  as  he  stepped  aside,  the  Doctor 
accidentally  quickening  his  pace,  suddenly  presented  his  shoulder, 
and,  with  all  his  weight  of  person  and  character,  tumbled  the 
Professor  off  his  feet,  and  had  the  honour  of  making  his  new  hat 
fly  ten  feet  away  into  the  mud! 

That  is  Harwood's  tale.  Here,  however,  is  the  Governmental 
version  triumphantly  given  to  our  Board  of  Trustees,  I  being 
present : — 

"I  had  been,  Mr.  Chairman,"  said  he  to  Doctor  Sylvan,  our 
President, — "I  had  been  up  town,  to  visit  a  sick  parishioner,  on 
Sabbath  morning,  and  was  on  my  return,  in  order  to  prepare  for 
the  sacred  duties  of  the  pulpit,  when  I  saw  coming  to  meet  me, 
in  a  threatening  attitude,  Mr.  Harwood.  At  a  glance,  I  saw  he 


CONCLUDING  SIX  MONTHS  515 

\\as  determined  not  to  yield  me  the  log:  and  I  then  resolved  so 
to  chastise  his  want  of  respect  for  my  age,  character,  and  station, 
as  for  ever  to  make  him  remember  the  lesson.  I  have  been  ac- 
cused of  fearing  that  young  man;  but,  Mr.  Chairman,  indepen- 
dent oi  this  cane,  in  which  I  carry  a  sword," — (and,  at  the  word, 
this  Christian  Doctor  did,  in  presence  of  our  whole  Board,  draw 
that  sword,  and,  with  a  real  Flagstaff  gravity  and  swell) — "in- 
dependent, I  say,  of  this  sword," — (driven  back  with  inimitable 
grandeur,) — "I  well  knew,  in  case  of  a  recontre,  I  should  easily 
knock  him  off  the  log!  8@cz>  because,  the  day  before,  I  had  been 
weighed  in  Mr.  Retail's  patent  scales,  and  my  weight  was  exactly 
One  Hundred  and  Ninety  Pounds !  and,  of  course,  when  we  came 
together,  he  found  himself  and  his  hat  where  he  informs  you ! !" 

"Is  that  true,  Mr.  Carlton !  ?" 

Yes,  reader,  it  is:  and  I'll  take  my  "affidavy  on  it." 

"What  meeting  of  your  Board,  was  this?" 

A  called  meeting,  called  by  the  Government,  vrith  a  view  to 
have  his  rebellious  Professors  instantly  expelled.  It  was  held 
about  the  middle  of  our  final  six  months :  but  it  would  make  too 
long  a  book  to  do  more  than  run  over  a  few  outlines. 

After  the  exchange  of  papers,  notes,  and  other  diplomatics,  the 
Board,  the  Government,  and  Faculty,  convened;  when  Bloduplex 
began — continued — ay,  and  held  on  even  ahead,  for  two  long 
summer  days,  "from  rise  of  morn  to  set  of  sun ;"  and  then  ended, 
because  fully  blown  out!  But  after  that,  for  other  speech  or 
reply  there  was  no  time,  and,  happily,  no  necessity. 

As  usual,  the  President  read  his  certificates — gave  his  religious 
experience,  and  miraculous  conversion  from  infidelity — told  of  his 
sainted  mother  looking  down  on  him — and  sobbed,  and  finally 
roared  right  out,  like  a  bull-calf  forcibly  held  back  from  the  cow ! 
From  this  recovering,  he  told  us  how  Harwood  and  Clarence  had 
even  ridiculed  that  experience!  and  expressed  suspicion  about 
those  tears,  when  he  had  indiscreetly  given  them  the  same  history 
in  private !  He  then  went  over  his  own  whole  life  and  character — 
did  the  same  for  Harwood,  and  ditto  for  Clarence :  in  all  which 
he  showed  the  pre-eminence  of  his  mnemonic-system,  by  detailing 
to  us  every  word,  joke,  pleasantry,  tea-drinking,  walk  in  the 
woods,  rash-saying,  silly-word,  indignant-exclamation,  &c.  &c. — 


5i6  CONCLUDING  SIX  MONTHS 

and  even  very  many  improper  things  that  "should  have  been" 
said  and  done  by  our  Professors, — but  which  never  had  been ! 

He  tried  his  hand  at  irony  and  sarcasm,  comparing  himself  to 
Dr.  Johnson,  and  Clarence  to  Boswell !  He  ridiculed  Clarence  for 
being  a  "charity  scholar:"  because,  at  Princeton,  he  had  paid 
nothing  for  his  Theological  education !  He  then  acted  the  bottle 
story — which,  however,  cannot  be  fully  represented  without  a 
diagram :  but  he  used  one  hand  for  a  bottle,  and  the  fore-finger  of 
the  other  as  corkscrew ;  and  then,  holding  the  -bottle-and-corked- 
fist  under  an  Honourable  Trustee's  nose,  he  suddenly,  with  cork- 
screw-finger jerked  out  the  cork,  and  let  out  the  whole  essence,  in 
that  remarkable  sentence,  "Billy!  you're  a  mighty  little  man!" 
And  "this,"  added  the  facetious  Government — "this  is  what  I  did 
for  the  students  at  my  house  on  the  Saturday  named,  and  to 
illustrate  Professor  Clarence's  character;  as  I  did  not  choose  to 
employ  a  sledge-hammer  to  kill  a  fly !" 

It  was  now  the  Government,  and  with  great  complacency,  spoke 
and  acted  the  celebrated  a  posteriori  mentioned  in  this  work,  and 
so  often  afterwards  repeated  by  him.  But,  at  length,  this  Great 
Engine  ceased  its  emissions  of  steam;  and  we  aroused  to  hear 
Clarence's  reply,  and  yet  with  looks  of  peevishness,  as  dreading 
another  long,  elusive,  windy  tempest  of  words.  Oh !  the  delicious 
refreshing  of  his  more  than  laconic  reply — thus: — 

"Mr.  Chairman,  and  Gentlemen  of  the  Board, — I  have  very 
much  I  could  say — but  I  shall  make  no  reply !" 

This  answer  will  be  better  appreciated  from  the  following 
dialogue  between  Dr.  Sylvan  and  Mr.  Clarence,  directly  after  our 
adjournment: — 

Dr.  S.  "Never,  sir,  did  you  do  a  happier  thing:  you  effected 
more  for  yourself  than  by  a  thousand  speeches." 

Mr.  C.  "You  saw  me,  Dr.  Sylvan,  for  six  hours  the  first  day, 
taking  notes,  that  I  might  reply  to  the  innumerable  slanders  and 
falsehoods  with  which  I  was  assailed :  but,  then  occurred  this 
thought,  amid  that  torrent  of  ribaldry,  viz : — 'If  these  Trustees  are 
gentlemen,  they  need  not  my  reply; — if  they  are  not  gentlemen, 
I  need  not  make  a  reply.'  And  then,  sir,  you  saw  me  crumble  up 
my  notes,  and  put  them  into  my  pocket:  and  I  shall  hand  them 
over  to  Robert  Carlton." 


CONCLUDING  SIX  MONTHS  517 

Our  called  meeting,  however,  utterly  declined  expelling  the 
Professors;  and  that,  notwithstanding  the  President  repeatedly 
said  in  his  oration,  that  he  would  resign  if  Mr.  Harwood  was  per- 
mitted to  remain!  We  recommended,  indeed,  if,  possible,  an 
amicable  private  adjustment,  and  referred  the  whole  matter  to 
the  new  Board  of  Trustees,  that  were  to  meet  in  the  Fall :  a  very 
cowardly  behaviour,  since  we  all  privately  felt  and  acknowledged 
that  President  Bloduplex  certainly  deserved  to  be  dismissed, 
whatever  the  Professors  may  have  merited. 

To  Clarence,  that  resolution  was  nothing :  he  had  resigned ;  and, 
for  weeks  past,  had  been  preparing,  as  all  the  town  knew,  to 
leave  the  Purchase!  The  attack  on  him  now,  was  to  have  the 
existing  contract  annulled ;  which  would  deprive  him,  it  was  sup- 
posed, of  the  residue  of  his  salary;  cripple  his  resources;  blacken 
his  character;  and  render  his  probable  story  of  events  less  im- 
pressive! But  Bloduplex  overlooked  Mr.  Clarence's  old  crony, 
Robert  Carlton,  Esq, :  and  he  saw  not  then  and  there  "a  chiel 
takin  notes !" 

Beside,  for  ever  to  prevent  any  evil  surmises  in  regard  to  Pro- 
fessor Clarence,  our  Board  (and  at  the  instance  of  Mr.  Carlton), 
not  only  unanimously  voted  the  full  and  entire  acquittal  of  Clar- 
ence, but  each  and  every  one  of  them  did  personally  and  individ- 
ually over  and  above  the  official  signatures,  add  his  own  name 
to  my  friend's  honourable  and  laudatory  dismissal !  Ay,  and  this 
man,  after  all  that  ingenuity  and  malice  (and  of  practised  cun- 
ning), could  invent,  and  colour,  and  say  of  him,  in  a  speech  of 
two  summer  days! — and  after  making  no  defence,  nor  an  appeal 
to  passion  or  prejudice,  was  acquitted! — and,  not  only  acquitted, 
but  thanked  and  praised ! — and  by  his  very  Judges ! !  "What  do 
you  think  of  that,  Master  Ford?" 

Harwood  now  stood  alone :  and  Polyphemus  having  "a  sorter" 
devoured  one  victim,  took  additional  steps  to  eat  the  other.  Sev- 
eral of  our  Board  had,  indeed,  agreed  with  me  in  thinking  and 
saying  that  "Doctor  Bloduplex  had  behaved  badly  and  even 
shamefully;"  yet  I  warned  Harwood  that  the  New  Board  in  the 
Fall,  who  "knew  not  Joseph  and  his  brethren,"  would  go,  not  ac- 
cording to  justice  and  truth,  but  according  to  their  ideas  of 
interest  and  policy :  because,  too,  some  Trustees  had  told  me  that 


5i8  CONCLUDING  SIX  MONTHS 

"they  feared  to  dismiss  Bloduplex,  lest  his  influence  might  injure 
Woodinlle! — that  after  such  a  quarrel,  it  would  be  difficult  to 
obtain  immediately  another  President — and  that  the  College  must 
not  be  destitute  of  such,  Mr.  Clarence,  the  maker  of  the  Institu- 
tion, being  gone  too !" 

It  was  now,  Bloduplex,  Lord  Bishop  of  the  parish  church,  sum- 
moned Harwood  before  his  little  ecclesiastical  star-chamber,  and 
had  him  excommunicated,  for  calling  his  Reverence  a  Liar:  in- 
tending said  excommunication  to  act  like  an  interdict  on  a  king- 
dom, and  prejudice  his  antagonist's  cause  before  the  New  Board 
of  Trustees  to  meet  in  the  Fall !  At  this  ecclesiastical  Inquisition, 
Bloduplex  himself  sat  as  chief  Inquisitor ! — he  made  the  charges ! 
— he  excluded  the  defensive  testimony  and  all  pleas  of  mitigation 
— all  entreaties  to  carry  the  whole  at  once  to  a  higher  court — he 
directed  the  officials — pronounced  the  sentence — inflicted  the 
torture ! 

As  Nero  to  the  primitive  Christians,  so  did  Bloduplex  to  Har- 
wood— he  dressed  him  in  a  wild  beast's  skin,  and  then  hissed  dogs 
on  him!  Ay,  he  was  cruelly  hunted  like  a  brute!  And  after  in 
vain  spending  his  hard  earned  dollars  in  seeking  redress,  he  in  an 
excusable  moment  of  bitter  indignation  left  at  last  that,  upon  the 
whole,  Best  of  Religious  Denominations !  But  let  that  Harwood, 
if  he  yet  live,  know  there  is  One  Bold  enough  to  raise  a  voice 
against  the  vile  Injustice  of  the  Past — one  that  knows — and 
says  Harwood  was  always  badly,  and  sometimes  basely  and 
wickedly  used!  And  let  him  know,  too,  that  under  better  aus- 
pices, and  but  for  some  mere  accidents,  the  Immense  Majority  of 
the  Denomination  he  has  left  would  have  done  him  justice  on  his 

Cruel  and  Unrelenting  Foe! 

****** 

Reader !  here  falls  the  curtain !  And  we  stand  before  it,  not  to 
announce  a  new  Drama — but  our  Farewell: — We  bid  you  adieu 
in  the  next  and — last  chapter. 


CHAPTER  LXVI.     . 

"Nay  then  farewell ! 

I  have  touch'd  the  highest  point  of  all  my  greatness : 
And  from  that  full  meridian  of  my  glory 
I  haste  now  to  my  setting:  I  shall  fall 
Like  a  bright  exhalation  in  the  evening, 
And  no  man  see  me  more." 

ABOUT  the  middle  of  October,  a  small  Christian  chapel  was,  one 
night,  filled  to  overflowing ;  and  deeply  impressive  was  the  sadness 
and  solemn  hush  of  the  congregation.  They  were  listening  to  the 
farewell  address  of  Charles  Clarence!  while  the  voice  of  the 
wind  moaning  in  the  dying  woods  around,  came  upon  our  hearing 
in  fitful  gusts  like  passionate  gushings  of  lamentation  for  the 
fading  away  of  their  glories!  Our  injured  and  persecuted  friend 
concluded  thus : — 

EXTRACT 

" But  I  must  cease,  and  that  with  no  expectation  that 

I  shall  ever  more  preach  to  you ;  or  you  ever  again  listen  to  me. 
This  is  sufficiently  solemn  and  mournful;  yet  other  things  exist 
here  to  deepen  now  my  sorrows.  For  some  years  this  has  been 
my  home — nay,  why  conceal  it  ?  I  had  once  cherished  the  hope  it 
was  to  be  my  home  for  years  to  come!  It  was  in  my  heart  to 
live  and  die  with  you !  I  came  to  be  a  Western  Man — but  God 
forbade  it.  I  have  shared  your  prosperity  and  adversity;  and  in 
your  hopes  and  fears,  your  joys  and  griefs.  We  have  interchanged 
visits  of  mutual  good-will;  we  have  worshipped  in  the  same 
temples ;  we  have  solaced  each  other  in  afflictions !  We  have  met 
at  the  same  house  of  feasting, — alas!  oftener  at  the  same  house 
of  mourning!  Yes! — my  children  lie  together,  in  their  little 
graves,  amidst  the  graves  of  your  children — that  moaning  wind 
is  stirring  now  the  leaves  ever  them! — dust  of  mine  is  mingling 
with  yours !  *  *  *  Can  these  and  other  ties  be  so  unexpectedly 
sundered  without  pain? — without  emotion?  But  the  hour  is 
come — we  part !  Come,  fellow  citizens  and  Christian  friends,  let 
us  mutually  forgive  one  another.  If  I  have  aught  against  the 


520  CONCLUDING  SIX  MONTHS 

misled  I  have  forgiven  it;  if  any  have  aught  against  me,  I  pray 
such  forgive  me!  Kindly  do  I  thank  many  for  past  kindness, 
and  more  especially  for  the  healing  of  their  balm-like  sympathy: 
and  now  let  us  say,  not  in  indifference,  much  less  in  anger,  but 

in  manly,  hearty  good-will — Farewell !" 

****** 

In  the  morning  his  house  was  tenantless; — Clarence  had  gone 
very  early  away  with  his  family — and  Woodville  with  its  pleasures 
and  pains  was  to  him  as  all  other  dreams  of  this  life — past! 

Soon  after,  the  fragments  of  my  shattered  fortunes  being  col- 
lected, we,  too,  were  ready  to  bid  adieu  to  our  home : — home !  did 
I  say  ?  Yes ;  had  we  not  graves  there  ?  Alas !  we  had  them  else- 
where too! — 

****** 

It  was  a  rainy  morning;  but,  notwithstanding,  our  little  wagon 
and  horses  were  at  the  door.  All  had  been  arranged  and  prepared 
for  this  morning,  and  all  farewells,  as  we  thought,  had  been 
spoken;  and  why  should  rain  delay  those  that  had  endured  so 
many  storms?  Emily  Glenville  was  to  go  and  share  our  fortunes 
— 'but  Aunt  Kitty — poor  Aunt  Kitty  was  to  stay;  for  we  were 
wandering  forth  we  knew  not  whither,  and  she  in  her  old  age 
must  remain  till  we  found  a  resting-place.  Home  we  expected  to 
find  no  more — (nor  have  we  ever) — and  we  had  then  the  desolate 
hearts  of  pilgrims — as  now  and  often  since ! 

Farewell! — dearest  Aunt  Kitty! — ah  break  not  our  hearts  by 
that  convulsive  sobbing ! — Farewell !  *  *  *  *  — and  then  we  were 
all  in  our  wagon — but  just  as  we  moved,  a  well-known,  a  rough, 
yet  softened  voice  in  a  tone  of  melancholy  reproach  sounded  at 
our  side: 

"Bust  my  rifle!  Mr.  Carltin,  you  ain't  a  puttin  off  without 
bidden  me  and  Domore  good  bye !  ?" 

"My  honest  old  friends!  no,  never! — but  I  could  not  find  you 
yesterday  when  we  went  round  bidding  all  the  citizens  good 
bye " 

"Well,  we  was  out  arter  deer,  for,  says  I  to  Domore,  Domore 
says  I,  lets  git  a  leg  or  two  for  Mrs.  Carltin  afore  they  goes — 
and  we've  fetch'd  'em  along  in  this  here  bag — if  you  kin  find 
room  for  'em  in  this  here  waggin." 


CONCLUDING  SIX  MONTHS  521 

"Thank  you,  my  kind  friends,  with  all  our  very  hearts!  I  do 
wish  we  could  make  you  some  return — we  should  be  so  glad  to  be 
remembered  when  we  are  away " 

"Bust  my  rifle — if  I  ever  forgit  you — and  Domore  wont 
nither " 

"No,  indeed,  Mr.  Carltin — and  if  you  chance  to  come  our  way 
like,  Domore's  cabin  will  be  open  as  in  old  times " 

"Yes ! — Mr.  Carltin — and  me  and  Domore  and  you'll  have  some 
more  shots  with  the  rifle — good  bye.  Mr.  Carltin — God  bless 
you — good  bye !" 

"Good  bye,  my  friends! — I  have  no  home  now — but  cabin  or 
brick  house,  wherever  you  find  us — I  say  to  you  and  all  other 
frank-hearted  honest  woodsmen,  as  the  old  General  said  to  you — 
'you  will  never  find  the  string  pulled  in !' " 

Here  I  started  my  horses;  and  then  the  last  we  ever  heard  of 
Woodville  was  something  very  like : — "Poor  Carltin ! — God  bless 
him — poor  feller ! — he's  most  powerful  sorry — and  don't  like  to  go 
back  to  the  big-bugs!"  And  then  through  the  uproar  of  the  in- 
creasing storm  came  the  voice  of  the  two  hunters  united  in  a 

loud,  cordial,  solemn,  last  Farewell ! 

****** 

Many  years  after  this,  on  the  pinnacle  of  the  Great  Cove 
Mountain  of  the  Alleghanies,  and  leaning  against  a  tree,  stood  a 
solitary  traveller,  who,  after  contemplating  for  some  minutes  the 
setting  sun,  thus  broke  forth  into  a  soliloquy : 

"Yes!  O  Sun!  thou  art  unchanged! — melting  away  to  a  rest 
amid  the  same  gorgeous  clouds,  piled  on  those  distant  mountains ! 
I  remember  thee  rising  in  the  brilliancy  of  that  Spring  morning! 
Here  Clarence  stood  and  looked  towards  the  Elysium  of  that  Far 
West— and  she  was  in  his  thoughts !  There  is  the  rock  where 
Brown,  and  Wilmar,  and  Smith  rested  a  moment ! Sad  remem- 
brances— bitter  emotions!  O!  Sun!  as  glorious  thou  as  even 
those  sumptuous  curtains  of  woven  cloud  around  thy  pavilion  as 
matchless  ! — 7  am  changed — alas !  how  changed ! 

"Far  West! — that  name  has  power  to  heave  the  bosom  with 
sighs — but  it  can  call  up  no  more  forever  the  illusions  of  the 
dreamy  days !  I  know  what  is  in  thee,  land  of  the  setting  Sun ! 

"A  world  of  shadows  is  coming  over  yon  vallies — darker  ones 


522 


CONCLUDING  SIX  MONTHS 


are  on  my  soul !  That  Spring  Morning !  The  comrades  of  that 
day — where?  The  scenes! — the  sufferings! — the  disappoint- 
ments ! — in  that  far  away  forest  land !  Graves  of  my  dead ! — 
why  need  I  care  to  weep,  where  there  are  none  to  mock.  *  *  *  * 

"World  of  Spirits! — around  and  near  me!  No  dreams — no 
shadows  there !  Sun,  farewell ! — thy  last  rays  are  falling  across 
those  graves  in  that  leaf-covered  resting  place !  But  they  shall 
fall,  to  rise  and  set  no  more!  Home! — I  have  none  now: — but 
there  is  a  home! 

"Awake !  from  this  dreamy  life !  True,  perfect,  uninterrupted 
happiness  is  neither  in  the  far  East,  nor  in  the  far  West : — it  is 
in  God,  in  Christ,  in  Heaven !" 

Reader,  dear  reader!  the  lesson  in  that  soliloquy  is  for  thee! 
Ponder  it;  live  according  to  it;  and  thou  wilt  never  have  read 
this  book  in  vain ! 


University  of  California 

SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 

405  Hilgard  Avenue,  Los  Angeles,  CA  90024-1388 

Return  this  material  to  the  library 

from  which  it  was  borrowed. 


1 4 

08-30-96P02:4f 

JAN  23 


RCVD 


,DO»QV  FACILITY 


A  A      000018959 


